Enjoyable Evening…

October 4, 2013 § 298 Comments

Thank you all for all your wishes of good luck.  I need it now more than ever.

And it was a lovely evening but I am, as I guessed, not much the wiser and I think of my current situation a bit like a game of pin-ball.  He can shoot his ball-bearing-self in the direction of any number of targets and will land more or less randomly at the destination of one lucky woman.  Chances of it being me?  A shiny nil.

No better than this time yesterday.  Though he did at one point tell me I was looking beautiful.  I hesitate to write that as it could make me sound like a self-congratulatory arsehole.  Only it doesn’t really because any nice fellow will say that willy-nilly to any woman who crosses his path at some point on Automatic Pilot Being Nice Mode.  It’s what kind men do to women, sure fire as “I’m fine thanks,” follows “How are you?” even if you feel like shit.

I take no more away from it than that the man has manners.

Subject of Matt came up, an old friend we both hung out with in the old days.  He said something about my sleeping with Matt, then.

“But I never slept with Matt!”

“What?  Are you serious?”

“Yes, I kept thinking it was going to happen and it never did.  I never did find out why.”

“But that’s why I never made a pass at you, because I thought you were fucking Matt.  Blimey…”

A “blimey” I hope imbued with regret, but can’t be sure.

“Well,” I said, “I wish…” Then I stopped myself.   Already said too much. It was obvious what I wished, and couldn’t afford to.

The subject ended abruptly , possibly with a bit of awkward laughter but it all happened so fast I don’t remember.

We are both free and available now and so the dot-to-dot seems entirely obvious to me.  I would pay my bottom dollar to crawl inside his head (as well as bed! Ha!) and find out whether it was so darn obvious to him, and he was just fleeing that obviousness.

In which case what a double-whammy waste.

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§ 298 Responses to Enjoyable Evening…

  • PY says:

    Oh, for God’s sake !

    Firstly, not every man will tell a woman that she is looking beautiful let alone out of a sense of pity or in an effort to get into bed with them. The fact that you have known each other for so long and clearly on intimate enough terms to be honest with each other, might suggest that this was a candid observation and you should take the compliment and flattery, bag it and store it in the recesses of your mind for a needy time in the future.

    Secondly, his reaction to the Matt discussion (to my male mind) strengthens that strand of honesty, which seems pretty self evident to those on the outside – well, me, at least.

    ‘Blimey!’ was probably quickly followed by a silent ‘Oh, fuck, cocked up there ‘ as the realisation of what might have been sank in. The envy that he may have felt slipping away from your bare shoulders like a young widows shawl.

    If you fail to capitalise on this opportunity, Ms P, I fear you are beyond hope. Engineer another meeting before the pirahnas nab him.

  • Erin says:

    What PY said. GO FOR IT!!!!!!!

  • EmGee says:

    Ms P, we need a moniker for this one, methinks he may be twinkling for some time to come.

    Please stop with the negativity, this get together seemed enjoyable as you wrote in your title. No sense in dwelling on ‘What may have been’ in the past, it has nothing to do with the present.

  • Eve says:

    I agree — go for it. Engineer away. To a point.

    Then the ball is in his court. He’s not an idiot. Believe me, he is picking up on the signals.

    If he doesn’t make a move, then relegate him to the friend corner and find someone even better.

    Just sayin ….

  • Eve says:

    Or get loaded, knock on his door with nothing on but a coat and go for it.

    What the hell do I know? I hate games.

  • Bonnie says:

    Go, Ms P! Think positive and keep moving forward. We’re all rooting for you! X

  • mel says:

    faint heart never won anything .
    he does sound like a nice guy and the ” not wanting to make a move on another guys squeeze ” seems to confirm that.
    ask him out for a daytime coffee dosent have to be a date , and TALK to him.
    it would be such a boost for us “nice guys ” to hear of one of our own getting an even break ( ladies always seem to fall for bad un’s )
    good luck P. xx

  • B says:

    I’m glad it was a success. I’d been hoping.

  • Claudia says:

    I don’t know P – could it be that he is a reader of The Times and has been joining up a few dots of his own? You know where this leads, don’t you? It isn’t you he’s fleeing – no, no, no. He just might be fighting shy of something else, maybe?

  • SMF says:

    So what happened to Matt?? Lots of dots, picture emerging, so do you think this old friend twinkle knows more than he lets on? He’s all yours for the taking but there is no guarantee of skipping off into the sunset forever after, you know that anyway. Just take the risk, see where it goes, nothing gained and all that. Face the fear, tackle it head on. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work, fail better next time.

  • James B says:

    Speaking as a man (I think I am still one, anyway): If I said something like that to a lady Ms P – then I would have meant it as a DEFINITE advance. Not just politeness. “Beautiful” is not the same as “You look nice” either. 2 buying signals …

  • Rosie says:

    P, please just do it! I know it’s a cliche but this really is IT. I came home from a night out yesterday (friend went home early because she’s moving in with boyf and had to pack) and thought about those aforementioned chances I’ve passed up in my life, and wept and wept. Don’t do the same!

  • Lydia says:

    If you want him, tell him so. I think those of us on where who are straightforward with men tend to find it a lot easier to get what we want than those who mess around with complex games.

  • tonedeafsinger says:

    I think PY’s right!

  • MissBates says:

    Make a move, Ms. Plankton. Or he’ll be snapped up by Tuesday. Or quite possibly lunchtime tomorrow.

  • Muriel says:

    I am not sure that the misty eyed reminiscing about ye olden days is really in your interest.
    You don’t want to be relegated to a cobwebby historical figure, a missed opportunity for a shag in the dim and distant etc.
    Next time he pays you an extravagant compliment, say “ooh, you are a one!!! How about we go out for a drink together then!”. Then you’ll know what he’s up to.
    (I have had another very brief convo with coffee boy and know his name now.)

  • Joules says:

    T – that is Hilarious. Think you are just after a spanking.

    Ms P. make some kind of move, this sounds like a good one.

    • T Lover says:

      No, Joules, I have a fear of pain. Or being constricted. Spanking? Not for me.

      Anyway, I see it now. Muriel, Ruprecht, canoe, Caledonian Canal.

      Muriel paddling, Ruprecht keeping an eye out for beavers.

  • James B says:

    P. Talk to us ..

    • T Lover says:

      Sorry, James B – you wanted the Blogger, you got…me.

      Apologies in advance for this bit of trolling. Excuses.

      One. The Blogger is becoming idle. Two. This link has a tenuous connection – to marriage.

      She nodded and cut the cake makes me laugh every time. Someone’s cooking onions in Manchester makes it worse. The five star crack is about the age of the bride – the heat from the cake was intense.

      Here we go.

    • zoe says:

      Yes, I’m afraid we must entertain ourselves…An old boyfriend contacted me via Linked-In the other day wanting to meet for a drink. I hadn’t seen him in ten years. I thought, “either he’s ill or he’s getting a divorce”. It turned out to be the latter. He looked bloody marvelous, super fit and glossy with professional success. I found myself thinking, if you want him back you better nab him quick. YOU BETTER NAB HIM QUICK?! Where did that come from? Here. It came from HERE! God help me. My mind has been polluted by plankton-think. I think I need rehab.

      • Fi says:

        :D

        Although I’m sure you actually aren’t joking as I have to confess this place has started to have the same effect on me. Eeeeeeek.

      • Muriel says:

        Zoe
        He’s not that special, and you’re not that desperate.
        Personally, having just had to pay off my ex and set him up in a nice flat (for which I’ll be paying till I’m 70) and transfer a big wad of pension. I’m not in any hurry to park my burned arse there or anywhere again.
        Many males on this site post about women who are after money, but I have rarely had a bf who earned more than me.

      • Fi says:

        sorry but there is something particularly distasteful about a man who sponges off a woman

    • The Plankton says:

      Sorry, I have been very remiss. Pxx

  • amouette says:

    All rooting for you Plankton, OK?

  • James B says:

    Fi (how are you by the way?) – why is it different which gender is doing the sponging?

    • Fi says:

      I’m good thanks. First mammogram soon – the last year has rushed past.
      Hmmm. Well I suspect you are asking that because you would argue that if men and women are equal then both should be able to sponge equally off each other. And you are right. I can’t convincingly justify my position and I have no logical rationale.

      I think though the bottom line is that I have little respect for a healthy man who is unable to, or worse – doesn’t think he should – support himself. I guess I think a man should be a (traditional) man with all that that entails, including having a shed and a range of power tools and knowing how to use them. :)

      • T Lover says:

        Fi,

        You can’t explain but you are right. All this equality clap trap masks the fact we are animals.

        Men behave differently. The men only tap room has been emasculated. A shed is an oasis for a bloke, a place he can call his own, have a quiet drag, gossip to his mates. Do blokey things. Keep bits of kit a woman does not understand. Like screwdrivers.

        It is a matter of male pride to a proper bloke that he provides for his family.

        But I have no such scruples this morning. Muriel, marry me.

  • Muriel says:

    Why T Lover, this delightful proposal is so unexpected! How romantic you are!
    I am swept off my feet! All I can say is Yes, Yes and Yes again, subject of course to provision of 6 months bank statements, full disclosure of assets and liabilities, with vouching, and credit checks.
    If all that proves satisfactory, I’ll have
    my lawyer prepare the prenup.

      • T Lover says:

        Fi,

        I don’t know why you think it’s funny. Send me back our engagement ring. I’m too tight to buy another. What did you say? I got it from a Christmas cracker. Well let’s not go there.

        Muriel has just fulfilled the female stereotype. She is not interested in me, the size of my canoe or in our soon to be hot relationship rather the contents of my bank account.

        And who in their right mind would enter into a relationship with a woman who insisted on a contractual agreement as a pre-condition of a relationship? So much for love. It smacks of dipping your toe in a relationship whilst making sure your financial backside is protected no matter how badly you behave. What sort of sincere commitment is that?

        PS. you are in remmission. You will be fine.

      • T Lover says:

        Remission

  • Muriel says:

    T lover
    I have two children to raise and educate, and my retirement to provide for. My ex would never dream of buying them a pair of shoes, far less pay any Uni fees. I cannot take on another ne’er do well, and meet my financial responsibilities. I’m not looking for a meal ticket, but neither am I handing out any more of them. Unromantic, maybe, but realistic.

    • T Lover says:

      Muriel,

      I was pulling your leg. Don’t go all defensive.

      I won’t marry again.

      A week ago I had an angry text from my wife. We haven’t spoken since the day she left. I have a long memory and bear a grudge.

      She told me she (not THEY), she’s been living with a bloke for five years come January, was going to move back to HER house. Imagine that.

      Women are nuts or what?

      • Joules says:

        Or what. Though your ex may be mad. As are you if you have left things so she could possibly do this. Change the locks NOW!

        And by the way I can use those screwdriver things – my Dad taught me.

      • Fi says:

        Joules-me too. And a wire stripper, An electric drill, hammers, a couple of wrenches and a saw, a jigsaw and a metal saw, pliers, a tile cutter and a number of spanners. But I still expect a man to know how to use them too

      • EmGee says:

        No one needed to teach me how to use a screwdriver. The router and power compound mitre saw have required tutelage and practice (measure twice, cut once, throw it away and try again), I must admit. Still wanting to learn how to sweat and solder copper pipes.

        So T, both your ex and erstwhile(?) girlfriend are nuts? I am beginning to see a pattern in your relationships, as if I hadn’t already guessed.

      • Joules says:

        Fi – it would be nice but I don’t think it standard operating kit anymore. I found that I had to run the jack hammer when me and the ex tore up the dog kennel designed to withstand a nuclear winter that the previous owners of our house had installed. Also a difference between understanding the theory but not the practicality.

        On the other hand I am assuming that T does know how to use this kit so I am hoping for his sake that he can utilise these skills to ensure the fortification of his abode. Which appears to be under imminent attack.

        Glad to hear things look good for your health. Fingers still crossed. My sis has 2 chemo treatments left for her ovarian cancer. No hair but lots of grit. We are hoping for the best too.

      • Fi says:

        J- really best wishes for your sister. Hope she is ok through treatment and afterwards. It’s all crap really.

      • T Lover says:

        Funny isn’t it? How women always want/claim to be able to do blokey things.

        I have never ever ever been interested in the intricacies of the washing machine, ironing or giving birth.

        And I don’t care less what the wife does – in fact I have told her she is quite welcome to move back. I now see her as a repulsive unfaithful cow. If I changed the locks the wife would know she has got to me.

        It’s the on/off girlfriend who wants me to change the locks. I just laugh at the wife’s stupidity, shrug and forget it. Then the new woman gives me earache for not doing as I am told viz changing the locks.

        The irony is it is the new long haired boss who winds up the wife because the girlfriend is in the wife’s house. And the joke about that is that the wife is jealous even though she is living with another bloke.

        The wife doesn’t want me but no-one else can either.

        Anyway, I want to leave and move to Scotland – to the new house. I want to start a new life at Christmas. Still haven’t heard from Rosie though. I think she’s snubbing me.

      • zoe says:

        “I have never ever ever been interested in the intricacies of the washing machine, ironing or giving birth”. My. How you surprise me TL.

      • Muriel says:

        Washing and ironing are a drag for 95% of the (male and female) population. And I would LOVE a “woman cave”,/shed/nuclear attack bunker to disappear into, bypassing the demands for food, help with homework, dispute resolution services, etc that face me when I walk in the
        door.

      • Fi says:

        I’ve never been interested in the intracies of the washing machine or the ironing either. Or the Hoover.

      • EmGee says:

        It seems to me that most men rationalize not helping with household drudgery, by convincing themselves and anyone who will listen, that women must do it because they like it, not because it is necessary to keep a household in working order. Being the knights in shining armor that they are, they let us carry on with these delightful tasks.

        To think that anyone in their right mind would want to go through a pregnancy and child birth as if it were a choice, is a true head scratcher, but once again, ‘someone must do it’ and women have drawn the biological short straw. (not to mention menstrual cycles – men act like we have them just as an to inconvenience THEM, poor babies)

        I also wonder, at men who are so amused by women who fix their own leaky plumbing, lay tile, mow their lawns, or in other words, try our little hands at ‘men’s work’. Perhaps they believe that we do indeed have 7 dwarves at our beck and call to take care of these things when they aren’t around to do it for us? Or we enjoy pretending to do important ‘manly’ things to get over our penis envy?

        T Lover is probably once again pulling our legs with his comment, but unfortunately far too many men regard ‘women’s work’ as beneath their dignity, and worthless.

      • T Lover says:

        EmGee,

        Would I pull your leg? Me?

        Don’t women get married in white so they match the appliances?

        Have smaller feet to get closer to the sink?

        Have a good weekend.

      • EmGee says:

        :D I lol’d! Busy weekend for me. Today’s my birthday, and this weekend is the annual studio tour, where we open our studios to the public to gawp at us, so I’ll be busy busy.

      • Fi says:

        Well you have a good birthday then and may you get many commissions

      • EmGee says:

        Thank you Fi! <3

      • Joules says:

        EnGee
        Good luck with your open day. Hope it all goes well.

  • Muriel says:

    T lover
    I take it that the house is jointly owned matrimonial property, and that you are still married. That would mean that you cannot exclude her. She could move in, with her boyfriend, with a whole harem of boyfriends. Why have you not divorced her?

    • Muriel says:

      And, I might add, if you buy a house in Scotland, while you are married, there is a risk that that may also become matrimonial property.
      I would see a lawyer (preferably qualified in both jurisdictions) asap.

    • Fi says:

      Muriel is right.

      • T Lover says:

        Comments/responses have crossed.

        My risk is in the fact I have put value on the place in Scotland. I have only spent savings she already knew I had to pay cash for the house and subsequently do it up. It is the added value which is the concern.

        Unfortunately, she had more in the bank than I did because I gave her my dosh to keep it safe and away from creditors in case my business went belly up.

        I have other assets which will complicate the picture further. A lawyer would have a field day – at my expense of course.

        So, I have dipped my toe in the water by writing a personal letter and am now waiting for the response.

        I have a couple of trump cards to play so I’m not desperately worried at the moment.

        Tally ho. Life’s not easy is it?

      • Muriel says:

        T lover
        Whatever you say about her, you are clearly still very emotionally attached to your ex. Otherwise you would cut the entanglements at whatever the cost. Some part of you still wants to deal with her and you (maybe her, too) can’t let go. Eurghh. Mess.

      • Fi says:

        Muriel – I don’t know that he is. Just because he hasn’t yet got a divorce doesn’t mean anything. Or rather it could simply mean that he deals with unpleasantness by not taking any action and hoping it goes away if he ignores it. As an aside though I went to see that new James Gandolfini movie Enough Said today. A plankton film but a good one.

      • T Lover says:

        Muriel, morning. I am still emotionally entwined. You are the money. Two years after she left – I knew from the start what she had been up to – up to again – I found out where she was living and went to see for myself. The discovery of her can outside this house, just as I had been told, knocked me sideways. I sat at the roadside my heart in my stomach. Almost in tears

        That feeling lasted ‘till the next morning when normal service returned. Hatred. The sly way she had been shagging in my house whilst I was at work. The manipulation of the children – I always tell them to put their mother first – manipulation which has lead to untold unhappiness from time to time and so on.

        Normal service? I loathe her. I hate her and some. With a vengeance but I don’t let it show which winds her up.

        How the worm turns. She is mid change. She has lost her figure big style. I find her physically repulsive. She now has high blood pressure. She has had a one or two long spells away from work. Lover boy – a numpty – is not in tip top shape all of a sudden either. And so on. How green does my grass look now?

        I get on fine with my first wife. We went for coffee the other day. But number two is such an underhand cow I want nothing to do with her.

        Three neighbours have said they are not looking forward to the thought of me leaving, of her moving back with new bloke so, to my twisted mind, I am not the only one who can see the picture.

        This was a rant wasn’t it? Sorry.

      • T Lover says:

        discovery of her car

      • EmGee says:

        T Lover: “I sat at the roadside my heart in my stomach. Almost in tears

        That feeling lasted ‘till the next morning when normal service returned. Hatred.”
        I lol’d! T you have a fine talent for turning your misfortune into wit. Sorry about #2, she seems like a piece of work to be sure. Sounds like one of those entitled princesses

  • T Lover says:

    It is – as is always so in my case – a long story.

    My little smallholding includes one detached house, two stone barns and ten acres.

    She has the land and one of the buildings for her horses. We use the second building jointly.

    When she moved out (screwing another bloke) I don’t know where she went. But she later turned up in a cottage with this bloke – around a mile and a half away.

    The house is in the Peak Park south of Manchester and although house prices are not at London levels she could not buy me out and I do not want to stay. I want to go to the Borders and commute to work in Manchester a couple of times a week. She wants to move back to the house with lover boy. What else can she do with her horses?

    I have property in north Manchester as well. Sounds very grand but they are relatively modest. I can therefore stay overnight at work if I wish.

    This was my second marriage. I introduced all the capital and have been far and away the main earner. I am also mean. She has inherited a bit from an aunt and is likely to inherit a bigger chunk in the not too distant future. So, I think it is fair to say we have both waited to see how the financial cards fall before we make a move. It is to my advantage to wait.

    The “I’m coming back” text prompted me to offer to move out now the house in the Borders is almost habitable again. I have now made her an offer to allow her to move back but defer payment and am waiting for a response.

    Another funny thing. I have not spoken to her, not been in the same room for just under five years. I look at her when she is in the yard and feel repulsed. Nevertheless women seem to regard the piece of paper recording a divorce than the actuality.

  • mel says:

    emgee i wouldn’t fret about learning how to solder copper , i work as a plumber and in roofspaces and under floors i never ever use the calor gas, its easier to use pushfit and plastic, anything on show gets the traditional stuff tho .
    being a single man i get to do all the housework myself and it is a boring drudgy drag, but i do it so anyman can.
    i help out my single female friends with plumbing and suchlike but i’d much sooner show someone how to do it TBH
    i must admit i have in the past put shelves up for a FF in exchange for a couple of shirts ironed ( don’t need many , don’t go out much ).
    oh and good luck with the weekend

    • Fi says:

      That’s an excellent trade off. Much as I hate ironing I’d happily do some in exchange for someone to do those crappy jobs round the house. I can do them myself, and I do if I have to, but to be honest I much prefer not having to. Because I’m lazy.

    • EmGee says:

      Mel come show me how! My house is all plumbed with copper, I learned how to replace a saddle valve a few weeks ago when my undersink water filter sprung a leak, the valve was corroded too, and wouldn’t close. As you know, some things like that often need new copper pipe/tubing to refit it. My late husband was a general contractor, so he knew all that stuff, just didn’t have the patience to teach me.

      I don’t mind exchanging work either, but I’d like to learn as much as I can.

  • mel says:

    yes it works for me, i see nothing wrong with helping someone out and a kindness is usually returned .
    i’ve never been propositioned in a ” confessions of a windowcleaner ” way ( as if ) i’m not fat so i must be spectacularly ugly ! LOL
    and Fi, don’t be so hard on yourself
    i’d guess not lazy but more unmotivated, i sometimes find it hard to make a start on somthing i haven’t a natural aptitude for .

    • Fi says:

      I suppose it’s hard to make a start on any chores when there are fun things to be done and interesting people to do them with. And at the end of the day a chore is a chore is a chore. regardless of whether it involves a hoover or a hammer drill.

  • mel says:

    EmGee, the pushfit fittings fit copper pipe ( well they do if its metric , ie post about ’71 )
    not familiar with saddle valve installation, they are usually a DIY type of thing.

  • Peggy says:

    Hello, found this site by googling what does a 46 year old have to do to find a good man .. Ta dah, found you lot and haven’t laughed as much in ages. Having wondered what to do with myself tonight I’m now sufficiently buoyed up to tell my own Twinkle (otherwise known as shagger – nice) to carry on with his tenant and sling his hook. Thanks everyone x

  • mel says:

    why is it funny Fi ? if this site tells us anything at all its that you CAN exist without us men.

    • Fi says:

      Because you obviously haven’t been reading it that long. The assumption of the site is that women can’t cope. It\s called Plankton because it is about ‘life at the bottom of the food chain’ because nobody wants you after you are 40. And it isn’t meant ironically. Not all of us subscribe to that point of view obviously (I’m one that doesn’t), but a lot do. I’m surprised I haven’t taken a razor to my wrists I’ve been reading it so long. Go back a bit further….

      • EmGee says:

        Fi, you are neither right nor wrong:

        True, the blog is about middle aged women finding themselves at the bottom of the food chain, but the reason we are is because it’s also about not having to ‘settle’ for just any guy who will deign to acknowledge our presence, make unfair compromises when choosing a mate (eg, being the 3rd person in a marriage or put up with his philandering, drinking, mooching, etc), or staying in a relationship without any benefit from it, just because we don’t want to be alone, and putting up with censure, because others think we may be too choosy at this point in ours lives.

        I think it’s great if visiting this site gave Peggy the temerity to tell her worthless twinkle to take a hike, that there may be someone better for her, and if not, she’s better off alone that with someone like that.

      • Fi says:

        But we AREN’T at the bottom of the sexual food chain! What does that even mean? I still have blokes asking me out – OK they aren’t as handsome and slim as they were 30 years ago, but then we all age. I think that provided you don’t let yourself go you stay as attractive (and can be more attractive even) as you get older. I know blokes are supposed to go for younger models, but where I have known men to do that it is because they like the woman and she just happens to be younger, not because she IS younger. I’ve never been asked my age by a man that has asked me out. I actually think older women have an advantage in that men are more mature and look for other qualities than just shaggability. They are much more forgiving of ageing. And women are much more resilient and interesting to them.
        I think though that with only a few exceptions (you, Zoe, Jules, Maria, me etc) a lot of women commenting on this site still appear to feel unfulfilled without a man and devote lots of head space to looking for one. Personally I think women should just get on with their lives and have fun and they will meet men while they’re out doing that if that’s what they want. Me? I really can’t be arsed. :)

  • mel says:

    ive been reading it since it started in the times ( not sure how long it was out afore that tho .)

  • mel says:

    and your other post seems to imply that peggy would have been better served by hanging onto a dead relationship rather than try again ?
    apologies if i misread your meaning .

    • Fi says:

      Er…you did misread it but I’ll let you off. :D

      • Peggy says:

        Righto, well, 1. Having been intrigued I did read 2013 to date. 2. I’m 2 marriages down, no1. A nasty piece of work no2. Just one of those things and we are on very grown up civil terms. Have been pressurised by friends to ‘find a nice man to settle down with, because you’re gorgeous and deserve it’. So went about finding a man, met twinkle #1 who wanted a kid and was a bit of an overgrown kid himself so then met twinkle#2 aka ‘shagger’ very nice chap just can’t commit. Now, having read plankton I’m actually more confirmed to my original stance that life’s quite nice out of a bad relationship, I have my job, the kids, a house, chores etc etc where can I fit a man in (avoiding the obvious and immediate smutty remarks)? ALTHOUGH, AND MY POINT FOR THE ORIGINAL GOOGLE SEARCH … what if, just if, there was a good man out there?

      • Fi says:

        There are plenty of good men out there. But I find that having been on my own for such a long time that I actually prefer it. But that is probably my failing :)

      • Joules says:

        Fi – Not a failing.

  • mel says:

    not hard to see why i’m single lol

    • Peggy says:

      To Fi…. Why is being content a failing?

      • Fi says:

        Being content isn’t, but preferring to be on my own probably is. Why do I prefer to be on my own? Because I do what I want, when I want, spend all my money on what I want, don’t spend any time pandering to anybody I don’t want to, eat what I want, sleep when I want…
        It does make one very selfish to do exactly what one wants all the time. And selfishness isn’t good. That’s what I meant.

      • Peggy says:

        Then I’m selfish. But would like to share on a utopian plain where harmony reigns, mutually respectful of each other’s space and kwerks, etc etc etc and they look like Hugh Jackman. I have been told to lower my expectations. But that is the point, for me, of Plankton. Why should I lower my expectations, I can not settle with someone who is neither fanciable, funny and clever, it wouldn’t last, I’d end up unhappy ( or they would ) But these types are few and far between.

      • Fi says:

        Well who doesn’t want that? :)
        But being disappointingly realistic for a minute, that isn’t what we’re going to get.
        I think though that we need to make the choice between settling for what is on offer, or not, every time we are asked out by a bloke. And whenever I make that choice I do so in the full knowledge that that may be the last time I am ever asked because I can’t assume that Mr Jackman is just around the corner, and if he is i shouldn’t assume he would want me.
        However, in spite of weighing that up every single time, I still come down on the side of preferring to be on my own. Although I have sometimes gone on dates for a few weeks thinking that I should just give it a shot, but ultimately I give up. I don’t think I am being unreasonable in looking for a bloke I like/have as much in common with as much as I do my friends. But that is another thing, the friends I think this way about are the ones I’ve had for a long long time – sometimes decades – so in a way it takes time to build those relationships anyway. I suppose though that I expect there to be the potential to build them with a bloke, and I do find that I don’t really meet any that I think have the potential.
        And it’s gone on so long know I think I’ve lost the facility to share and make the compromises necessary. I have in effect become so self sufficient and have been that way for so long, that I no longer have the qualities that would be required to make a relationship work. But that’s ok – I’m perfectly happy as I am. The problem is I think with people who hold out expecting Hugh Jackman and then he doesn’t turn up and then feel let down. But if you make your decision in full knowledge of the potential consequences then you have no -one to blame but yourself if you don’t like where you end up.

  • mel says:

    that could have been me writing that Fi.
    i feel the same, i’ve largely given up on love and even if i found someone i’d probably want to live apart together for too long to be worth waiting for.

    • Fi says:

      Sometimes i worry that i’m going to turn into some bad tempered old witch stomping down the street, scaring children away, existing on a diet of pot noodles, with my cats. Like a female Steptoe. I think I like Janet Street Porter’s vision of old age ie living in a huge house with your mates. Thank god I’ve got grown up kids and I am going to guilt them into looking after me when I’m really old. :)

    • Peggy says:

      Frankly, I think even Mr J’s appeal would wane if I had to spend any prolonged amount of time with him. I know (in my head) there’s not much of a need for a man, or space (in my life obviously as there wouldn’t be much of either in my head) but I do keep hoping. Why? Think I’m boarder line pathetic limp romantic. Bring on the cats.

  • mel says:

    i wouldn’t think contentment wouldl turn into being a bad tempered old crone, rather it will make you an attractive target for some steptoe-ish man like me,,,,lol
    it dosent sound like you have anything to worry about Fi.

  • James B says:

    Fi, I don’t think you should feed your cats Pot Noodles. They would probably prefer “Tuna Light Lunches”.

    • Muriel says:

      James,
      I don’t think Fi meant she would be feeding her cat pot noodles. That’s not the way I read her comment. No, I think the cat would get the rich tea biscuits and sweet sherry, the other old lady favourites.

      • Fi says:

        While I’ll be drinking a snowball and sucking on a Werthers as I knit. That’s what I’m aiming for anyway.

      • zoe says:

        Snowballs. Now you’re talking.

      • Fi says:

        Actually they are my favourite Christmas drink but with added gin and a squeeze of fresh lime and they truly are delicious.

      • zoe says:

        I have a weakness for substituting champagne for lemonade. Very bad habit. Only exceeded in its badness by my liking for advocaat neat.

      • Fi says:

        Champagne for lemonade sounds absolutely gorgeous, I don’t know about neat though. Like Bailey’s? On ice? or do you just glug it from the bottle :)
        Well that’s it then – we were obviously born to be old spinsters and blessed with the appropriate tastebuds to go with it.

      • zoe says:

        Heh. Who needs men when we can have each other? At least for Christmas :-)

      • Fi says:

        Heh. There’s a thought- you and me sitting on the sofa on Christmas Day in slankets watching the queen’s speech knocking back aadvocat straight from the bottle, asking ourselves why we haven’t got boyfriends when we are so gorgeous ;)

      • EmGee says:

        “…asking ourselves why we haven’t got boyfriends when we are so gorgeous ”
        Absolutely fabulous. :D

      • Muriel says:

        There should be a “like” button! :)

      • T Lover says:

        Oh, Fi, Zoe,

        What a pair of lushes.

        More trolling, I’m afraid.

        ‘Cos the Blogger has done a runner. And I do like reading your banter. So I hope this lot sets you off again.

        Instead of Snowballs and champagne hows about an evening class?
        Spring Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE?

        NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
        OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS. EACH CLASS WILL LAST FOR TWO HOURS

        Class 1

        Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat
        Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

        Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

        Class 2

        Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?

        Round Table Discussion.
        Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

        Class 3

        Is It Possible To Drive Past Marks & Spencer Without Stopping?

        –Group Debate.
        Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

        Class 4

        Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase–

        Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
        Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

        Class 5

        Curling Tongs–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?

        Examples on Video.
        Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
        At 7:00 PM

        Class 6

        How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Programme.

        Help Line Support and Support Groups.
        Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

        Class 7

        Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?

        Open Forum.
        Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

        Class 8

        Health Watch -They Make Medicine for PMT – and How To Use It!

        Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

        Class 9

        I Was Wrong and He Was Right!–Real Life Testimonials.

        Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

        Class 10

        How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.

        Driving Simulations.
        4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

        Class 11

        Learning to Live – How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .

        Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

        Class 12

        How to Shop by Yourself.

        Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

  • Julia says:

    Plankton,

    What’s happening? Any new potentials? How’s life?

    Please would you give us an update?

    Am also for some reason very curious as to which part of London’s home for you. You don’t have to say, of course. Am on the north end of the Met line myself… (aren’t the new trains an improvement??)

  • mel says:

    are you mostly a london based lot ?
    never occured to me before talk of the met line woke my curioisity.
    i’m a yokel from the sticks ( leics )

    • Fi says:

      No. That’s just Londoners thinking that everything that happens does so there.
      Muriel and I are from Scotland, EmGee is American, Maria is Portugese, Jules I think is American too but living here. Maybe. T Lover is I think from Up North and moving to the Borders, Malcolm is Scottish in Canada (I think). We’re all over the place really.

      • maria says:

        Hi, Fi! How are you doing?
        Here in the lovely city of Braga (formerly known as Braccara Augusta – during Roman times), in the northwest of Portugal, everything stays the same. I too am turning into an old crone who loves cats. Currently, there are about two dozens of them in my backyard and I’m not ashamed to say I love to feed and play with them.
        Re twinkles, I am now being wooed by my boss’s husband who is at least 10 years older than me and looks like Santa Claus. I’m now concerned that one of these days my boss might notice her lubricous husband staring at me and I might get in trouble.

      • Fi says:

        Good grief your English is becoming excellent. Reading you now there’s absolutely no way you can tell it isn’t your first language. Eeeek poor you. And you’ll get the blame for leading him on if she finds out he’s after you too! Wives always assume that an unattached woman must realy want their partner/husband no matter how repellant they are, and that we are secretly trying to steal theirs. You may have to pretend to be a lesbian. Or start spending a lot of time in church and tell her your thinking of becoming a nun. Or that you’ve never married as your heart was broken by a fiancé who died when you were young and it’s never mended. Otherwise you’ll find him pursuing you into a cupboard where she’ll catch you both and blame you. :)

      • maria says:

        Thanks Fi for your kind words. I must say that I teach English (and Portuguese) for a living to small kids, mainly 10 to 12 year olds.
        Re Santa Claus, I would never go there. I’m not ready to fuck Santa just yet, even though he is quite loaded and it seems quite easy to steal him from his wife (not that I would ever do that).
        It just puzzles me what bastards most men are. This guy has been married to his wife for more than 30 years, they don’t have any kids, she dedicated her whole life to him, they live a very comfortable life and here he is, willing to throw it all away for a (slightly) younger and (I hope) tighter pussy.

      • The Plankton says:

        Good on you Fi for coming up with the geographical stats. Thanks. Pxx

  • steve says:

    You mean that there’s life outside London??

  • Julia says:

    T Lover,

    That was FUNNY. :)

  • Joules says:

    T – how much time do you spend thinking up this stuff just for our delectation? Interesting.

    Fi – I am in Britain, opposite end of the country from you, though did the old piled higher and deeper at Glasgow Uni. Think instead of an old cat lady I am turning into an old scat lady – chasing cats out of my garden and picking up their deposits.

    Steve – definitely life outside of Londinium, but I like the Ginko trees.

    Does anyone think Ms P is coming back – wonder if the old friend has turned into something else? – Speculation I know.

    • Fi says:

      yep – you’re a scientist aren’t you?

    • T Lover says:

      Joules,

      How long do I spend thinking these things up? Don’t know. I’m a plagiarist without a single original thought of my own. So I suppose the answer is not very long.

      Interesting? Why? I have no idea why I do it – comment – because those times reading the blog gave me a lift have gone. I feel a lot more settled nowadays. I have to admit I do enjoy putting the odd cat amongst the odd pigeon.

      And there are some odd pigeons who comment aren’t there? Only takes five minutes reading the blog to work out which women you might rub along with, which ones are a touch sad.

      • Muriel says:

        Ah now t lover you’re in a huff.
        I get tired of the stereotype of the simpering idiot female who can’t reverse park, shops all day etc etc.
        So I made the most unladylike comment I could think of.
        It made me laugh anyway, but then I have a vulgar streak a mile wide. (I do a job where i have to maintain decorum, composure and extreme formality at all times, and no I’m not an undertaker)

      • T Lover says:

        No I’m not, Muriel.

        There was a moment during which I wondered if you were a transvestite but huffy? No.

  • Richysaysrelax says:

    I thought my single years between wife (1) and wife (2) were also Plankton given I seemed to be invisible to anyone. I tried to be kind, polite, worked hard at the social game of work (very demanding in hours and effort) relationships (none really) and trying to fathom why I had become Plankton. I now settle for being Pondscum in that I am settled in a relationship which has lasted since 1990 for reasons I don’t understand. I am ordinary, often frightened by events I cannot control and counter this with a very (false) strong happy positive outlook. I guess my friends would never guess. Being Pondscum is perhaps no different to Plankton except how others see me. Quote (mental only) I can be in a room full of people at a party and still feel I am the only person who should not be there! ps. I have loved reading your blog…

  • Shai says:

    Hello.. wanted to get back into dating pool.. searching for tips found this wacky site a couple of months back. The search key words described my ‘symptoms’ and ‘diagnosis’ came as ‘plankton’ !! im 49 but still gosh im still v sexy in my mind. was wondering why my ‘twinkles’ couldnt see it….ok so now im back in the game but better equiped to accept the ‘indications’. and had a OMG this is me reading Zeo’s ‘comment if you want him back you better nab him quick. YOU BETTER NAB HIM QUICK?! Where did that come from? Here. It came from HERE! God help me. My mind has been polluted by plankton

  • Peggy says:

    It is wrong to succumb to a gentlemans advances knowing that he’s not right and is going to get hurt isn’t it? Or, should one ‘give it a go’ ‘try it on for size’ ‘go for a test drive’ all the while hoping that that first analysis was wrong?
    What happened to the heady days of a quickening pulse, butterfly stomach and bright expectant eyes when someone asked you out? Now all I can think is, it’ll end in tears.

    • Fi says:

      Agree. I started giving it a go because I thought it was ridiculous to expect sparks at my age and thought I would give it a shot. The downside though is that the sparks never appeared and in the end I decided my first instinct was the right one. If there’s no chemistry there then it doesn’t magic itself up out of nowhere no matter how much you may want it to. I just stick to being friends with them now.

  • Richysaysrelax says:

    I am now panicking. Having accepted that I am pondscum am I in fact a surface-feeder? If the analogy is true then sf’s are content, pondscum content for reasons they cannot fathom and plankton are visible but not valued as equals in a relationship in its developing stages. I was content to be pondscum but now worried I may be a sf by default…………

  • Ms. P- No word from you for three entire weeks now, everything okay?

  • Tamara says:

    Scott, this was her last on 25th October.. *Sorry. I promise to post tomorrow if I can with an update. Not that there is one. Only bad. ie Fuck all! Pxx* ..

  • Just Saying says:

    Nothing ventured, nothing gained… I learned long ago you have nothing to lose by going for it. Heck, even if you think someone is in a relationship – go for it. The “worst” thing that happens is nothing comes of it – the EXACT same time, as if you never took the chance. So go for it. You literally have nothing to lose.

    Of course, most guys will never say “no” if a woman is easy on the eyes, even if he is in a relationship, and if she knows what she is doing, he’ll keep it going. Nothing may come of it, but it’ll always be fun… The only thing limiting you, is you…

    • Fi says:

      You’re as bad a T Lover in trying to get women wound up. :)

      • zoe says:

        Damn right, Fi. I’m wound up. But I’m keeping out of it
        .

      • Fi says:

        They’re a bit bored….in they come looking to lob a conversational hand grenade in before they sit back and wait for the explosions, highly entertained and boredom alleviated. Best to let them remain disappointed I think.
        Mmmm…the nights are drawing in and it’s nearly that time of year for cosying up in front of the fire drink in hand… :)

      • EmGee says:

        I had a feeling that comment should have wound me up, but the more I read it, the less sense it made.

      • T Lover says:

        That’s nce….”You’re as bad a T Lover”.

      • Fi says:

        I was being overly critical of him. He’s nowhere near as bad as you ;)

      • T Lover says:

        Oh, that’s OK then, I’m happy again now.

    • Muriel says:

      I was out on Saturday night with an old boyfriend. We were over donkeys years ago but stayed friends because we get on very well and are in the same line of work. Anyway for some reason he was hassling me all evening, suggesting we go on holiday and trying to feel me up. He is in a long term relationship. I don’t know why I didn’t just tell him to p off. But I didn’t go along with it either. It’s been bothering me since- would I want to get back with him? I don’t know. :(

    • Peggy says:

      Yeah, you bumble along having harmless fun, enjoying the moment then he goes and does something stupid #1 dumps girlfriend without any consultation and expects to move in 😧 #2 announces that he’d really like to start a family #3 proclaims that his earnings are very sufficient and would you like to be at home more waiting on him. I say no way Jose and he gets hurt and huffy. Nah, not for me.

      • Fi says:

        surely every girl’s dream? :)

        I bet his girlfriend dumped HIM which is why he turned up at your door looking for someone to take him in.

  • zoe says:

    I’ll just whistle and think of alcohol-spiked egg nog.

  • Claudia says:

    ‘the unremitting negativity of these pages’ ?

    Well yes, we need to have something or someone to blame – we can’t very well blame ourselves, can we?

    Have a positive day

  • Richysaysrelax says:

    I try not to see negativity in what others say but more the realistic aspirations they have of their lives and how they feel they are noticed or otherwise. Unusually for a bloke I have a reputation where I work (part time thanks to age and two pensions) of keeping secrets. I never discuss with others what ladies tell me when they simply want someone to talk to who is discrete and non-judgemental. The single ones often want the reassurance that they are not invisible and respond to polite observations…..your hair looks nice today, love the shoes etc…..without me having to grope them or embarrass them (or me) with sexual innuendo. Sometimes the conversations are very explicit about how they think and perhaps the feedback, equally truthful, makes them feel better. Am I offering false hope? I really would be hurt to think I mislead them. I think everyone has something to offer in a relationship but am starting to understand a girls perspective that sometimes having nothing or very little is a lot better than a relationship that is second, third best, unfulfilling and ultimately reinforces the concept of being ‘sexual (and emotional) plankton’.

    • EmGee says:

      “The single ones often want the reassurance that they are not invisible and respond to polite observations…..your hair looks nice today, love the shoes etc…..”

      People respond to comments and compliments depending on how they are feeling in that moment. The response to something as simple as, “Your hair looks nice today”, could be processed in many ways:
      A normal common response might be the self affirming, “gosh, it’s nice that someone likes the way did my hair, maybe I’ll keep it this way for awhile”
      Another may think, “Hmmm I wonder if he’s gay? He gets along well with the women around here, and seems to have some fashion sense”
      A third: “What? does he think it looks like crap every other day?”
      A fourth, “I wish he’d ask me to drinks/dinner after work, he seems like a nice fella’
      Yet a Fifth, “I think tomorrow we shall be wed”

      Really, the list could go on and on. Anytime we give a compliment, the best we can hope for is that the recipient takes it in the manner intended, but it shouldn’t stop us for fear that at any given time, it may be taken negatively or think there is any more to it than what it is. A spontaneous compliment is nearly always a welcome boost to the ego.

      Your women coworkers are lucky to have a man around who is non-biased and can give a nonjudgemental opinion from a man’s pov. It can be difficult to even ask if it is of a deeply personal nature, but how else does one find out?

    • Fi says:

      Yep i’d think gay.

    • malcolm says:

      Bloody hell, do you enjoy walks on the beach also?

    • Muriel says:

      PY
      You’ve been having a similar experience to me then. The return of the childhood sweetheart, aka the curse of Facebook.

  • Peggy says:

    We need Ms. P to prevent us from disappearing into our own navals.

    And well, as to Richys…..ax’s comments about finally “getting” a girls perspective on “having nothing or v little is better than a relationship that is 2nd or 3rd best; unfulfilling and ultimately reinforces the concept of being sexual (and emotional) plankton” hallelujah and at the same time what tosh.
    Yes some women have sufficient self esteem to not settle for crap relationships and of that corps some have sufficient spine to recognise when an erstwhile happy relationship has run its course and address matters. Rather than hanging around bemoaning the good old days being utterly miserable. But frankly the very idea that being alone automatically equals being sexual and / or emotional plankton is ludicrous. Yes it’s tougher as you get older,
    1: you become more discerning and finicky
    2: gravity has had its wicked way
    3: we’re scarier –
    4: we’re busier
    Consequently finding ‘Right’ is very challenging but if RSR thinks we’re therefore instantly categorized as invisable is a mistake

    • Fi says:

      Heh. We’re certainly scarier . Or so I like to think ;)

    • Fi says:

      Richly You sound as though you think we’re “left on the shelf” like a Victorian maiden aunt, an object of pity. The reality is we’re out partying, and holidaying with our friends, visiting the gym and spending time taking care of our minds and bodies. And of course spending our money on anything we please.

      • malcolm says:

        Some of you are. Others, not so much.

      • Peggy says:

        I like my shelf. The view is great, I have a lofty perspective and I get taken down quite often to be admired, polished and shown off.

      • malcolm says:

        Can people have a “shelf-life”?

      • Fi says:

        Yes and No. I do think that there isn’t any stigma attached to being on your own, and you can get better and more interesting with age (Marie Helvin, Jane Seymour, Rene Russo, Judi Dench etc etc, but I think you can also get worse – fatter, more bad tempered, develop illnesses, lose your hair and teeth etc. So yes unfortunately you can have a shelf life. But it all depends on how you look after yourself too.

  • PY says:

    Like, advocaat !

    So, a former girlfriend from 30yrs ago contacts me, out of the blue, through Facebook. We meet for lunch as she is passing through London, on a rare trip. She has been married for at least 25 years and it is at least that long since we last saw each other but the years melt away surprisingly quickly. Friendship is enduring but affection ?

    The surface is scratched and deeply buried emotions from a shared traumatic incident well up . Eyes dampen. The hug at the end is genuine, even needy. As we part, lips are instinctively proffered and linger a little too long than is decent but it could be another 25 years.

    Nothing more is said but there is a glint in the eye and a minx-like hint of a smile as she returns to the Shires. The dangers of ‘social media’ become very evident.

  • Muriel says:

    RSR,
    You pay them compliments to save yourself “having to grope them”???
    Then you would also be saving yourself from having your collar felt by the filth for sexual assault, me old mucker. I may on occasion tolerate it from an ex when on a binge drinking mission, not so much from male colleagues at work.

  • Richysaysrelax says:

    The dangers of showing interest. Firstly I am not gay, just straight. I do not see a conversation with someone who opens up with stuff that is private as an invitation to ‘verbally’ grope. I do not pity anyone on the basis that they have problems but do feel an empathy with those, who like me, sometimes do not understand why relationships can be hard to find, destructive, damaging and unsettling. For the record I have been in a rewarding, fulfilling marriage for 23 years……..I simply confess that I do not understand why I feel insecurities in my life and that there are bits of life I find frightening. Perhaps I should find someone I can talk to…….

    • Fi says:

      RSR – if you want to comment here you really need to a) stop being so earnest and b) get a sense of humour. :)

    • Peggy says:

      Or read a self help book. Think I read one in my teens, feel the fear and do it anyway. Not read one since, must’ve cured me. (Or confirmed that self help books didn’t do it for me)

  • gary says:

    one blog entry a month, if that,.time for a mercy killing?

    • T Lover says:

      Blogger breezes in, blows air kisses to favourites, to the empathetic and breezes out – we must talk amongst ourselves.

      So here is something to lower the tone. The theme? Why do women always have to have the last word?

      It was my birthday yesterday. I am now 93. All day my intestines played tunes. Most peculiar. My Secretary could hear the rumbling and a gurgling. We went for a pub meal in the evening, me and “her” that is, not me and my Secretary. The car broke down. We, eventually, got a lift to the end of the track, about half a mile from the house.

      To digress, my pal was telling me how he had to force his daughter out of the shower at midnight in a desperate attempt on his part to reach the loo, how they had had words because she wouldn’t shift, how he had gone into work early the next day, how it was good job because he had an almighty bout of uncontrollable wind followed by a minor underwear accident, how his other daughter’s boyfriend had had similar trouble last weekend.

      Anyway, we were halfway up the track, halfway home when, in the space of three strides, I was suddenly (and unexpectedly) desperate. Me to her: Would you walk on ahead? Her to me: What’s wrong with ‘please’? Me to her (I will not break wind except in the privacy of my own company and I dislike women who do it in public): Hurry up. Her to me: Stop telling me what to do. Me to her: Please just walk on. Her to me: I can’t remember the exact words but it was on my birthday, the car had broken down, an Asian taxi driver had refused (as they do) to take us home because I had my dog with me but nonetheless, she let rip a blast of effing whatever and stomped off in an obvious temper.

      She claims not to have heard but I then could no longer control the biggest, longest, loudest bout of wind I have ever known. From man or beast.

      I once saw a spoof – a young couple enjoying a romantic, horse drawn sleigh ride when, as she lit a candle the horse lifted its tail – you know the end – the girl had her eyebrows burnt off. That horse could not have held a candle to me. The pun was poor and deliberate, sorry.

      I stumbled home in the complete dark to be told how I had sworn at her (she now admits I did not), shouted (I know I did NOT but who wouldn’t in my circumstances?) Being bossy (she is scraping the barrel with that one) etc.

      She would not back down. I was all wrong, she was all right. My accident victim mate even took her side and said I should have explained why I had wanted her to move on on her own. What a creep. Would he like to tell me what he said to his daughter who refused an emergency request to budge from the shower?

      Why will women never admit that they have jumped to the wrong conclusion, back off, apologise for being wrong and let me enjoy the rest of my birthday?

      • Fi says:

        the problem seems to me not to be about who is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ (if there is such a thing, and what does it matter if everyone or no-one agrees or disagrees with your view anyway), but the fact that you both seem to assume the worst about each other and you appear to have a combative relationship. Not for the first time…..what on earth do you get out of being in it?

      • T Lover says:

        Socks washed.

      • T Lover says:

        Oh Fi, I don’t know. I lay in bed last night wondering what on earth I was doing.

        She is away home to London now for a few days, so I am on my own. I am going to be a slob and have a good think.

        It’s just one or two things. She is never wrong. She always have to have the last word. But even women accept she is a typical woman so what hope is there? Of finding an untypical woman?

        She hasn’t worked out that that earache and sex life increase and decrease in inverse proportions. That there is an art to being a woman – getting her own way – without having the last word.

      • Fi says:

        well still….what do you get out of it? You never tell us. Instead you just talk about her shortcomings so instead of focussing on those, or thinking that if there are only a few of those then it’s ok, why not tell us what is good about her and why she’s right for you? it’s not the quantity of someone’s shortcomings that males them right for you.Everyone has shortcomings but what about her good points and the things you have in common. Are there any things? I suspect you just get involved and then find out afterwards that there are things you don’t like and try to put up with them before getting more disillusioned as time goes on. Here’s a thought – why not evaluate them and see how much you have in common BEFORE getting involved?

      • Peggy says:

        Because on the whole (and no apologies for being base) it’s very hard to listen to your head when your nether regions have a particularly large and loud voice …

      • T Lover says:

        Evaluate before getting involved? You never really know anyone until you have either lived or worked with them. “Lived ” includes going on holiday.

        And don’t you go up the aisle with Dr Jeckyll and walk back with Mr Hyde?

        Her good points? Awkward finding an honest, truthful answer. A character. Very bright, well educated. Pilots license. Can play the piano to an on the stage standard. Not concert but good. Entertaining. Etc. Nothing fazes her. What does she see in me? Lawd knows.

        I think her problem for is that when married she wore the pants – she is now a widow.

      • T Lover says:

        Peggy,

        As you get older companionship is more important than sex.

        Acccording to Tom Sharpe (and no apolgies for deliberately misreading your comment) women prefer men who are smaller because they have to try harder to please.

      • Fi says:

        yep that was me – but I’m older now and i’d like to think that when i make mistakes i don’t make the same ones. And i think you’re right companionship does become more important so why not use that as criteria for evaluating someone. Am i missing something? why is that hard to do?

      • EmGee says:

        “Why do women always have to have the last word?” Is that a trick question? A paradox perhaps? Because if one doesn’t, then the other does? Maybe the answer lies elsewhere? How about a relationship where ‘having the last word’ isn’t an issue? Being mature enough (at 93(!)), to realize that ‘having the last word’ isn’t all that important, except maybe to the less mature of the two? A wall of questions!

        ‘Socks washed’ is not a good enough reason to stay in a miserable relationship, although my bf finally returns in 7 days, after a 10 week absence and I have really missed his insistence at washing dishes. He does a terrible job, but it trumps having to do it myself. Our relationship isn’t miserable though, either.

      • T Lover says:

        Em,

        We all like the last word. Everyone knows what “having the last word” means.

        The key to my complaint is the word “always”. Women ALWAYS want the last word. As you, EmGee have just illustrated.

        My home grown solution is just to ignore her – which makes her cross – or to commit the black is white statement which has just crossed her lips to memory and repeat it at some later, unsuspecting, unguarded future moment. That really winds her up. I laugh. She gets cross.

        Delighted your bloke is on the way back. Remember the angst when you thought he was playing away with his landlady?

      • PY says:

        TL – you must realise that you really are letting the side down a bit . A mna can very easily claim the bragging rights of the ‘last word’ for every argument .

        All you have to say is ” Yes, dear.” Problem solved – dont know what all the fuss is about.

        Investing in some ‘Shreddies’ might help the true course of love for an ageing windbag as well –

        http://www.myshreddies.com

      • Peggy says:

        PY & T Lover,

        No tabards, and only socks in the bedroom, you do make me laugh. And as to the ‘yes dear’ last word …, it is infinitely frustrating and will work.

      • Peggy says:

        Shreddies – hilarious. Never knew such a thing existed. Will be buying in bulk to gift out for Christmas, never was there a time a year that required them more

      • Fi says:

        “My home grown solution is just to ignore her – which makes her cross – or to commit the black is white statement which has just crossed her lips to memory and repeat it at some later, unsuspecting, unguarded future moment. That really winds her up. I laugh. She gets cross.”

        And you wonder why your relationship is combative and crap?

      • T Lover says:

        No, Fi, it’s not crap it’s 20% crap,80% OK.

        And she has a head start in female circles. She has bragging rights. My old man is grumpier than yours – along those lines.

        Gives her something to moan about.

        I sometimes wonder if I would be better off with two, women that is. Then they could slug it out with one another for the last word.

      • T Lover says:

        PY,

        What has the male model (in the underwear advert) got in his underpants? Perhaps peggy will tell us.

        Imagine a moment of passion. Darling, that is an unusual pair of knickers you are wearing. Yes, Lover, I have to wear them because my gas smells really bad.

        What about the noise? And did you see the testimonials? The number of women that have an “odour” problem.

        And that marquee on the home page. The man sniffing the girls backside.

        My oh my. I’ve never lived.

      • zoe says:

        Man in underpants: Yes, TL, I confess I waited until all the images completed their full cycle again, so that I could examine that particular one more closely. Purely to further my understanding of dominant cultural codification in advertising you understand.

      • EmGee says:

        TL: “The key to my complaint is the word “always”. Women ALWAYS want the last word. As you, EmGee have just illustrated.” :-)

        As for my bf’s absences, Yes, I remember my previous angst, which I didn’t harbor on this last trip. He’s been feeling a bit homesick these last couple of weeks.

      • malcolm says:

        This should be good. A competition between T Lover and EmGee about who can refrain from having the last word.

      • EmGee says:

        It begs the question Malcolm, is the last posted response considered having the last word? I just :-) ‘d, hoping that that is not considered word-like, since in real life, it would just be a smile, no further comment.

      • Peggy says:

        “I just ‘d, hoping that that is not considered word-like, since in real life, it would just be a smile, no further comment” …. The female equivalent of ‘yes dear’. Touché

      • Peggy says:

        Hmm man in white underpants. Different model to man in black underpants. White pants has tattoo on right arm and I suspect a devil on horseback or pig in blanket secreted in pants as a mid photo shoot break hors d’oeuvres. Or quite possibly a different tasty treat to nibble upon when feeling peckish.

      • py says:

        Nah , Peggy – surely it’s your discarded and rolled up socks which have been secreted ?

      • T Lover says:

        It looked like a piglet in a blanket.

    • The Plankton says:

      I am under no obligation to blog ever again. Just FYI. Pxx

  • mel says:

    for all the talk of negativity on here , it seems to be us blokes that post most of it ( not me i hasten to add )

    • Peggy says:

      T Lover …. Couldn’t agree more, just occurred to me that if you couldn’t fathom the basis if your relationship with Ms. Havetohavethelastword then sex might be the reason. You wouldn’t be the first or last to be locked in for that reason. Personally I’m on a crusade (and before everyone tells me to adjust my aspirations I know it’s an ambitious crusade) of finding the perfect balance of friendship (1st) companionship and ease of being (2nd) and sock poppingly good in the sack (1aiii-2a)

      • PY says:

        Peggy ,your personal Crusade to be “sock poppingly good in the sack” is, indeed, a noble quest.

        I’m sure some chivalrous Knight-errant will eventually trot along and be eternally grateful for your self sacrifice (assuming, of course, that you don’t already have a cast off tabard regularly dangling from your bed-head ).

      • T Lover says:

        Peggy, you wear socks in bed too? Oh no.

  • T Lover says:

    Sorry, what a load of pompous rubbish I offload as comments. Just want to keep the banter going. Sorry.

  • Peggy says:

    Beginning to worry about Ms. P. Do you think she is healthy and safe or has been struck down by something or abducted, or maybe broadband is down

  • Lou Smorrals says:

    Christ ! Are you lot still here? Talk about same old same old. I’ve been married and divorced twice since I last saw you. :)

    • Fi says:

      That’s us- sobbing into our gins, wringing our hands and mourning our lost youth . Or maybe that’s just me. ;)

      • Lou Smorrals says:

        Oh come on Fifi – even without the wink we both know that’s a load of bollocks ….. so save me searching back across countless sad pages, have those long stockinged legs of yours pulled while I’ve been away? :)

      • Fi says:

        Ah well. There are 2 men who are interested but I have nothing in common with either of them and don’t find either attractive, and another one I do find attractive, don’t know well enough to know whether I like him or not, who is absolutely not interested in me. Isn’t that just the way life always works out?

  • Come on, Ms. P, we need a new post here… At least let us know that you’re okay ….

  • Peggy says:

    Fi, sounds like me 12 months ago. Oh, and six months ago

  • Muriel says:

    Fi
    Yep I’ve got a lot of that going on too.
    I made the mistake of not having an early bath at a work night out and got groped by my married, unattractive boss. He did get told to feck off and has been sulking ever since. (ignoring me at work). The news of my marriage break up has only recently got round and all the Wierdos have been lunging at me, honestly it’s like Sean of the Dead.

    • Fi says:

      :lol:

      Must be your pheromones – especially if not having a bath produces that result.

      • Muriel says:

        Eh, should have said AFTER a night out, I should have left sooner. I actually don’t think I have any hormones left, it is merely this idea that being recently separated (not that recently, actually) I must be desperate. Also that there isn’t a tropical gent to come after them with a machete. And yes, he did import his machete from his country of origin, purely for keeping the shrubs under control, of course.

      • Fi says:

        Now taking a machete out of your handbag when an amorous middle aged men started pawing you would really put them off! You wouldn’t even have to start waving it about, just place it gently on the table next to your glass of wine at the first sign of trouble

      • Lou Smorrals says:

        With the size of this thread you guys look a bit too dependent on Miss P, what are you going to do if she doesnt come back. Why dont you check out tribe.net and form your own tribe because tha’ts what you appear to be. Its American and some tribes are clearly weird but others are down to earth and totally sensible. It also has features that allow you to PM each other. Just a thought

    • @ Muriel- The title of the movie to which you’re referring to is spelled “Shaun Of The Dead” (2004)

      And Muriel, I like women who don’t bathe- Do you want my cell phone # ?

      • Muriel says:

        Good grief, wherever did you get that idea?

      • Fi says:

        Scott has tried pretty much all of us at some stage- you’re just the latest. Any woman, anywhere, any continent. Next he’ll tell you to google him as he uses his own name and he’s one of 3 folk with his name and he’s not the chef…

      • You said so yourself- “I made the mistake of not having an early bath at a work night out and got groped by my married, unattractive boss….”

        So I got the idea that sometimes you skip baths or showers…. I do too sometimes

      • And yes Fi, I do like to google myself a few times per week- I yahoo myself and I bing myself too, I’m curious to see just exactly what information about me (accurate or otherwise) is making it onto the worldwide web- Believe it or not, I actually once found my name in an obituary, and the reference really was to me, not to one of the other Scott Benowitz’- It turns out that I’m actually still alive, someone whom I had interviewed had died, and the magazine was reprinting some quotes from the interview which I had conducted with him in the obituary…

      • T Lover says:

        It’s a load of fanny but for pheromones see Falkus and Behan (Professor of Neurology at Glasgow) on women/fishing/salmon.

        The theory was that if you wrapped your (fishing) tackle in (used) women’s underwear you were likely to catch more salmon- if, of course, you were not arrested and if, of course, you could stand the ribbing.

        Just Googled “T Lover” – nothing.

        And Scott I don’t think “I like women who don’t bathe” is the best chat up line I have heard. It is a bit obvious, judging by the state of your trainers.

        Curiously, Muriel did respond to your telephone number offer, so you must have something. They just ignore me.

      • T- If you spoke the American version of the “English” language, in which the phrase “not having an early bath at a work night out…” means quite literally what it sounds like, and nothing else, what would you say in response to that?

      • T Lover says:

        Well Scott, that is a difficult question.

        I never know whether to laugh or cry at some of the things you say. The problem is I cannot see you, rather like the woman wearing Ken Clarke’s burka bag whilst giving evidence, I cannot see a twinkle in the eye or whether you are serious.

        That said, there are some expressions in usage in the UK which are so obvious it would be difficult for an American to misunderstand. For example, if I said to you: I’m going to play hide the sausage with Muriel, would you think that Muriel and I are going to buy a pound of Cumberland and take it in turns to hide it round the garden? Or in my case a couple of ounces of cocktail sausages?

        What would you say if someone said to you: That T Lover likes to drop his anchor in Poo Bay? It is a rhetorical question. I don’t/have never tried but what if someone said that to you? Surely a bell must ring? Surely you would not take the phrase literally and start Googling “Poo Bay”

        But your sin is not quite misunderstanding. You might have made Muriel giggle if instead of saying: I like a girl who doesn’t bathe, you had said: I like a dirty girl. In which case Peggy – with her sack aspirations – might also have come running. Should I re-phrase that? Oh dear.

        And surely you cannot really believe that Muriel has to leave a works do early because she actually needs a bath? Scott B, I accuse you of hiding behind a common language excuse.

  • mel says:

    an early bath is a kind if sporting shorthand for leaving early ( from the pitch usually )

  • Muriel says:

    Scott, “having an early bath” is a reference that comes from football, or rugby commentators when someone gets sent off. “Ooh, he’ll be having an early bath if he does another one of those slide tackles!”.
    You have already invited me to google you, and offered me your phone number, but I think I have explained before that one essential for any suitor is that his main residence should be within a 50 mile residence of the town I live in. As that town is in Scotland, and you live in America, you are ineligible.
    I would also add that I prefer men to be well washed, and as you are a self proclaimed soap dodger, you are disqualified on that grounds also.
    Sorry about that.

  • Claudia says:

    The thing that makes me giggle about this blog is the way the poor blokes are bullied by the girls and then search their consciences for mis-English-speaking, but no one would even dare to suggest – equally facetiously, of course- that Fi got her pheromones in a twist, or that Muriel transmuted hers into hormones. Girls, I hand it to you – you’re AWESOME. Ms Plankton, I hope you’re giggling too. And if you’ve now embarked on that novel, here’s wishing you the very best of luck. What you have is that rare commodity – talent.

  • Claudia says:

    I really like that expression someone used the other day – ‘blood under the bridge’. Could apply to all sorts of other things – bile, bitterness, fear, resentment – all under the bridge. Let go, gone.

  • Shai says:

    Really envy men.. .. and especially today having discovered both my ex’s (of 10 yrs and 10 mts)have special fb a/c with sexy girls half my age all showing and glowing… iv tried hard enough to think like a man… wow they can happily blow rolls of dough on that… iv tried but just hate freeloaders..whatever size !!! took a nude video of myself for comparison with those hoties..im shocked.. should i be.. guess not.. but im crying !!!!

  • “… have special fb a/c with sexy girls half my age all showing and glowing… iv tried hard enough to think like a man… wow they can happily blow rolls of dough on that…”

    That’s what we do?

  • “… have special fb a/c with sexy girls half my age all showing and glowing… iv tried hard enough to think like a man… wow they can happily blow rolls of dough on that…”

    Perhaps I’m doing this wrong…. I don’t have any special accounts on any websites with any women anywhere….

  • Muriel says:

    Scott,
    You did suggest I phone you, and invite me to google you, and I must have been having a very boring day because I did (google you, that is). However, as I am over the age of 12 I am not interested in having a penpal-type thingy, or even a telephony thingy, even if you were the most wonderful man in the world. You don’t really present yourself as such, you must admit, although if you were Jewish that would definitely earn you points. But still not enough.

  • Shai says:

    @Fi …im a princess from the land of snake charmers :) @Scott can try his luck ..as of now alllllll applicants are being scrutined :) talking of which i must update guys that my belief in the goodness of men has returned in a single day. 2 days back for fun put up profile in frdship site as 18 yr with realllly sw8 & sexy pic..as expected i was hit with over 300 visitors with approx 20% fav & likes and msgs…my ex is also on site…so for heck of it put up one of my best pic but with real age profile etc… !!! and you will not guess this….i have already got 435 visitors with over 30% fav / like and msg !!! i swear for a min i was like hv i logged in as that 18 yr hotte !!! Scott ur right !! and Girls …forget wobly thighs..guys are real when they r looking for serious nookies…ok we will have to see how they cope with the reality !! but that for another day … im flying high today..

    • I’ve given the elusive Ms. Plankton official permission to give out my real email address to any planktonettes who are interested- I get the sense that she’s stopped reading her own blogsite by now though….

    • mel says:

      bless you shai, it dosen’t matter if they ARE all just interested in getting laid, you are on their radar and it shows they aren’t blind to your charms.
      take confidence from that and build on it, nothing sexier than a woman who is happy in her own skin.
      good luck .x

  • EmGee says:

    From what other people who have tried online sites have said, if you are just looking for a hook up right out of the gate, you’ll get lots of choices. It’s wading through all those trying to find a potential partner is where people have the most trouble.

  • Claudia says:

    ‘ A Princess from the Land of Snake Charmers’?

    Well, I don’t know. In the land of snake charmers, ‘Shai’ means ‘Tea’. Are you an avatar, or just an alias, Shai?

    • Shai says:

      @Claudia u hv me in splits :) hmm.. Tea is Chai.. and Im too famous to use my full name :) really !! So Shai is just half of me !! ok update of my busy day.. day 3 iv lost out in the number game with 18yr hottie.. she crossed 500 !! and actually i dont blame the guys !! being her for 3 days iv fallen for her as much as all the guys. you know most of them are single in age grp of 20 -25…im supprised. Real me has got mostly in age grp 25 – 50 !! Mel thks.. im going to approch my emotional response scientifically.. so now im planning to introduce a new avtar..a 35 yr MIF and do a bell curve analysis accross parameters. This is the only place i can share the details of my ongoing extensive research.. so Sorry guy.

  • Shai says:

    Ohhhh @Fi @Zoe u guys are making me question my zombe obsession !! Im all you say – mind of a man (still trying & almost there) behaviour of a teen (waiting for knight in shining armour) & shell of a 49.4 yr (plankton).

  • Shai says:

    @ Mureil yes thx.. i agree.. but how do i get my knight not to settle into a free bed & breakfast mode !!!! and the thought of missing all those free fancy dinners is making me really sad… dont mistake.. im on a diet.. but jst the vision of me all dressed up there .. sign !!!! and how did ur walk go… beats me why you should go for free walk dates… we are well past our teens !!! if the guy cant do better.. he should stay home !!

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