Speeches and Declarations

July 18, 2011 § 7 Comments

A fair few of my friends have marriages that are, how shall I put this, testing.  Many of them have their crosses to bear. (And, yo, do those crosses come in a variety of forms!)  But some of my friends’ marriages are great, my standard-bearers, I can list quite a few, so I am often a witness to the happiness.

I think of the party on Saturday night and the words the host spoke so eloquently about his wife, full of humour, appreciation and devotion and love.  I think of the words, too, the husband who gave me a lift said to his wife on the way home – how all his friends had said to him how gorgeous she was and how proud he had felt of her.

These things were – are – by any measure lovely to hear.  They give rise to faith and optimism and hope, of course.  But there is a danger for planktons that instead of looking at the bright side of such sentiments, expressed by other people to other people, a certain ego-centric view of the world intervenes to turn the good inside out.

Instead of thinking, “Isn’t it great that after so many years X still thinks so highly of Y and loves and prizes her so, and isn’t it fantastic that there is such love in the world and that it is possible,” on bad days I am inclined to think, “On my 50th, who the fuck man is there going to be wanting to say those things about me? What is wrong with me that I haven’t inspired those lasting feelings in someone and almost certainly never will?”

The way one looks at it is a definite case of glass half-empty or half-full.  I want to clutch with all my might to the half-full glass.  Believe me, I do try.  Every aspect of my life is good and happy and fulfilling and I am fully aware of that – except this one.   I do not – as one or two of my commentators have suggested – define myself by having a man in my life, but I do want a man in my life.  But I guess you can’t – don’t deserve to? – have it all.

I know I have more than enough to be grateful for and the love of a man is not everything and self-pity stinks.  I know… I know… of course I know…

But.

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§ 7 Responses to Speeches and Declarations

  • mel says:

    as a single man who’s female friends are always saying ” any woman would be lucky to get you ” i just rationalise my lack of partner by thinking some people aren’t meant to be loved………
    hurts like hell for a while but then you gain strength from knowing…..
    the worst thing in the world is hope, it crushes you every day.
    may you be blessed with fortune soon.

  • asjbendall. says:

    But, “The cunning rabbit has three bolt-holes”, he likewise has his down days, but be never gives in! Neither will you. Imagine your walking into your home and tucked away in the fridge is a ” GU After Dark Lime and Mascarpone Cheesecake with a small bottle of chilled wine, If able I would produce to enable you to be pampered, on this occasion you will need to obtain this treat from your local super market. I likewise will continue viewing livestock in uncertain weather and I have enjoyed reading your Plankton all be it in rather nasty weather, but I have not been beaten by weather or difficult reception, hopefully weather better tomorrow and your spirits have been lifted by my treat!

  • Emac0 says:

    In contrast to the uplifting comment above, I fear I need to unsubscribe to this blog. Not because I disagree with a word, but more because it is worrying how this blog is writing everything that has gone through my mind over the last few years, over and over and over again. Why haven’t I got a nice man, why aren’t I worthy? What did I do to deserve being this lonely? I too have much to be grateful for, but I still think it isn’t enough. A life without love just doesn’t work for me. And reading these sentiments have left me in tears again. I can’t take anymore. Best of luck though

  • anniebub says:

    I don’t know how to say ths without sounding “smug married”. I don’t feel in any way entitled to give my opinion, but have been hooked on your blog from the beginning. Only because, even from the other side, ‘the adored wife’ etc., it is possible, I promise, because there but for the grace of God etc., to stare across the abyss and recognise the despair of your situation. It is SO unfair that you are deprived of the things that we, the still (sometimes only just) married, take for granted, just because things didn’t work out, or perhaps you had more guts than a lot of us to get out and try and improve your situation. You are every bit as full of the possibility of love and fulfillment as any woman who has it. What is wrong is these bloody men, who are getting away with it, in the way that they always have. Not committing, not being available, or just not being up to it. And, for why? Because they can. Where ARE all the heroes that we dreamed about? They do exist, you just have to find them. Finding them is the key. You have got to put yourself somewhere where you are likely to find them. And, as I said before, I think it just may be the starting place will be the dating site. Short of that, you are going to have to take up something. What?? Sailing??? Golf?? Some kind of exclusive society, which will cost money, but where you are likely to meet the ‘money’ that you require – not the fuck off type but the just comfortably off type.. Well it will all cost money, come to think of it, but, you are not going to do it from the kitchen sink. Please don’t give up – your description of the party was heart-rending. You sound like a great many of my good friends, and the sad thing is there are many more out there. Hope you will forgive me for writing at all.

  • Buster says:

    We can have everything else that life has to offer but without love it is all pointless.But try telling that to the marketers & their masters…..the social stability of the family & happy relationships just don’t make money! Far better to implement a social structure that disrupts the natural order of things and keeps us all strggling & trying to figure out why life sucks for most of us sooner or later.
    But hey, buy a fancy car, have some surgery, concentrate on a good career or just get the latest i-phone & all our problems will be over.

    Bollocks! We’ve all been robbed without even knowing it.

  • MissBates says:

    Yet again, you have described an experience that resonates so deeply with me. Often when I hear a husband/boyfriend say something affectionate or appreciative to his wife/girlfriend, my eyes instantly well up with tears because I know how unlikely it is that I will ever hear such sentiments expressed to me. The despair is just soooo close to the surface.

  • Buster says:

    I think it should be clear to any thinking person, by now, from many of the responses posted here that this is a problem for just as many men as well as women. The imature will always try to throw blame on the other side rather than try to understand both perspectives. It’s so easy to focus on the negative elements of society and ignore the positive, too.
    Our world creates winners & loosers by design. When we are winners we are oh so happy & often oblivious to the pains of the loosers. With time we all end up on the loosing end of the deal. It is right that we see the other side.
    Don’t harden your hearts, seeing only the bad, but see what is good in people. Show some love to the down hearted while you still can.

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