Speeches and Declarations
July 18, 2011 § 7 Comments
A fair few of my friends have marriages that are, how shall I put this, testing. Many of them have their crosses to bear. (And, yo, do those crosses come in a variety of forms!) But some of my friends’ marriages are great, my standard-bearers, I can list quite a few, so I am often a witness to the happiness.
I think of the party on Saturday night and the words the host spoke so eloquently about his wife, full of humour, appreciation and devotion and love. I think of the words, too, the husband who gave me a lift said to his wife on the way home – how all his friends had said to him how gorgeous she was and how proud he had felt of her.
These things were – are – by any measure lovely to hear. They give rise to faith and optimism and hope, of course. But there is a danger for planktons that instead of looking at the bright side of such sentiments, expressed by other people to other people, a certain ego-centric view of the world intervenes to turn the good inside out.
Instead of thinking, “Isn’t it great that after so many years X still thinks so highly of Y and loves and prizes her so, and isn’t it fantastic that there is such love in the world and that it is possible,” on bad days I am inclined to think, “On my 50th, who the fuck man is there going to be wanting to say those things about me? What is wrong with me that I haven’t inspired those lasting feelings in someone and almost certainly never will?”
The way one looks at it is a definite case of glass half-empty or half-full. I want to clutch with all my might to the half-full glass. Believe me, I do try. Every aspect of my life is good and happy and fulfilling and I am fully aware of that – except this one. I do not – as one or two of my commentators have suggested – define myself by having a man in my life, but I do want a man in my life. But I guess you can’t – don’t deserve to? – have it all.
I know I have more than enough to be grateful for and the love of a man is not everything and self-pity stinks. I know… I know… of course I know…