Desperation Vibe My Arse

July 29, 2011 § 28 Comments

Can we talk about the vibe of desperation?

Some people have suggested that the striped shirt (cf. yesterday’s Married Man) fell for me precisely because I wasn’t thinking of him remotely in terms of romance so was completely myself.  The logical thing is to examine how I – and other planktons – behave, conversely, with men that we are interested in.  Perhaps with them I – we? – give out an off-putting vibe of desperation?

What is the vibe of desperation?

Hard to define, but crucial.  As I sit here, I am not sure, I am just plucking ideas out of the air, but I would guess when people talk about it they might be referring to a number of different things, or a combination of this number of  different things.  A tangible example might be, say, drinking too much and becoming too full-on as a result.  Another might be dressing in such a way as might prompt people to look at the too-much flesh and think, too unsubtle, too much information, too old.  Exaggerated body language is obviously a third.

More subtle desperation might manifest itself in the guise of debilitating shyness or an air that is defensive and/or brusque and which would seem to say, Why the hell do you think I’d be remotely interested in you, even while she is feeling quite the opposite?

It could be an anxious facial expression that hints of a certain yearning and neediness?  Maybe nervousness in conversation, a fear – and subsequent avoidance of – subjects that could be too close to the bone?  Or, quite possibly, the reverse: a bullish insistence on various topics, and a certain lack of dignity, perhaps even vulgarity, about things – sex being an obvious example – that in the given context might do better to remain more on the back burner?

I don’t know, I bet there are a million things, but I cannot think of them all off the top of my head.  I’m sure you can, I am sure you get my drift.  Whatever it is, it is that the pathetic, embarrassing, desperate plankton is getting it just plain wrong.

But the fact of the matter is, the whole the notion of the “desperation vibe” is utterly unimaginative, unjust and inaccurate.   I would go further.   To my way of thinking, it is nigh-on complete bullshit.

Planktons for all their quiet wistfulness – OK, desperation – come in an infinite number of shapes and sizes, of course, and behave and react to people in an infinite number of ways.  I am convinced that this “desperation vibe” is, largely, a myth and a conspiracy, one with which to beat all planktons down, to keep them in their place at the bottom of the food chain, and to make them feel even more of a failure, more frightened and full of self-loathing and low self-esteem than they might already feel.

Most of us planktons are not desperate on a day to day basis. We conduct normal working, family, and social lives.  We rarely moan and we laugh just as little or often as anybody else.   Only occasionally do we crawl into a hole (which in my case might mean feeling a bit sorry for myself and taking to my bed for an hour), but once every blue moon and no more than most. The majority of us, when we meet an available man, carry on as we would with anyone else, we don’t instantly morph into Venus Fly Catchers or flick some switch inside us which means a light bulb suddenly pulsates above our heads denoting Desperation.  We just get on with the conversation, maybe flirt a bit, maybe not.  We might vaguely think that perhaps it’s not a great idea to moan on about our circumstances, but moaning on to anyone about anything, be they an available man or not, is never a good idea.  We might make some discrete reference to our marital status or put out some tiny signal or other, but most of us don’t actually or metaphorically plead with a stranger to marry us next Tuesday.

Kind people, casting round for some explanation for our misfortune, like to say that maybe it seems as though we are “giving off the wrong vibe” (translation: “wrong” equals “desperate”).  This they do in order to help us feel that the fault is not in us but in what we are unconsciously “giving off”.  The cruel say we give off this vibe as strongly as people with Trimethylaminuria give off the smell of rotten fish, and they treat us with all due lack of understanding, sympathy and respect.

As I say, I don’t think the Desperation Vibe is nearly as common as people make out.  I own that it probably exists but think of it – perhaps controversially – as I think of many so-called wheat or dairy intolerances.  A lot of people kid themselves they have these as a way of disguising the fact they are on a weight-loss diet or to make them seem more interesting.  Only very few people genuinely suffer from them.

So it is with the DV.  There may arguably be a tiny minority of planktons who are unfortunate enough to give it off, this problematical stench, but, for the main part, it is a figment of other people’s imagination, just another stick with which to beat us and make us feel inadequate and failures and bad about ourselves.  These people’s very mention of  the DV means they view our situation as entirely our own fault, one that has nothing to do with the fact that we are currently just down on our luck and in any event men would rather have someone who was taut.

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§ 28 Responses to Desperation Vibe My Arse

  • What I need to ask here, is:
    1. Do you recognize how Plankton is affected by alcohol? Do you recognize how alcohol changes temperament?
    2. Can Plankton recognize a man completely and utterly besotted by her, in love with Plankton and who would give absolutely anything for the chance to be “in with her”? NB; “into”, as opposed to “not into”!
    3. Has Plankton enough self-esteem to see beyond “blind drunk womanly fog” to what is at the end of Plankton’s nose?
    4. Now I ask you: “Who is desperate”?

  • I don’t get the sense that this woman is desparate…

  • Sarah says:

    You can probably judge your DV levels by your boredom threshold.

    High boredom threshold, high DV (so desperate you’ll watch paint dry with a man who says it’s his favourite activity).
    Low boredom threshold, low DV (not so desperate that you’ll listen to crap all evening).

  • mel says:

    oh, its there , with some women, its probably beyond quantifying, but its there , we can sense it. ( tho i would concede some if its probably in our perception too )
    you never really get the feeling of it with younger women, maybe thats why a good percentage of men trade up to a younger version.
    a bit sexist but still true .
    i’ve heard plenty of men complain they aren’t getting laid enough , but never ever have i heard one complain he’s not in a relationship.

  • Joe Ehrlich says:

    Even mentioning that we are actually looking to be in a relationship and not just looking to get laid is against the Male Code Of Conduct. (MCOD)

    But yeah, I want the whole package, not just the kissy stuff.

  • Maria says:

    If everything is merely particles or waves of energy then we must interact on a subatomic level. Remember more than 50% of communication is unconscious not verbal and most of our behaviour is driven by our unconscious. So rather than focusing on the external world why not tackle the inner world, deal with the demons, befriend the shadow and you will attract someone with whom you truly resonate. It ‘s not just about age, looks, social status if you are looking for a life long commitment and falling in love is just a biochemical reaction anyway but to truly love is a life long journey.It is about opening the heart and connecting without fear of loss or hurt and staying true to yourself. Fall in love with yourself and start the journey.

  • toyman says:

    The age old…..man woman question!

    You guys and gals make it sound so difficult…………….

    A long time ago I was watching a movie with my five children, it was one of those summer camp kids shows and I asked my eleven year old daughter ” who was over weight ” which guy she liked and she picked out one, then I said why did you not choose that guy……and she shouted “Daddy he is fat, are you mad”

    Today that daughter is 25 and fit as ever, in the gym every dam day; but back then in her youth she answered without thinking and by so doing exposed the truth.

    We all have our personal standards; but tend not to consider others when searching for a mate…………

    PS

    I thought the internet would bring people together and we would all share our knowledge and become so much smarter……but it seems in my opinion; to confuse us more and then there are the fakes……..the women that write as if they are men and vise versa…

    • I think this identity issue is an interesting issue, certainly, Toyman. Perhaps it’s all about “feelings” and how you feel? Feelings can be notoriously fickle and unreliable and besides an individual may be moody or even under some influence too? I agree that straight talk is good and helpful like your daughter’s: “Daddy he is fat, are you mad”? But I also think if you remember the movie “The Crying Game” there is an interesting dichotomy between who you are and who you think you are! Do you remember when you too were like your eleven year old?

  • toyman says:

    Yes…………..I can remember when I was 11

    To me it was like yesterday…..

    Back in my days we took screen shots with our eyes, we had no mobiles.
    A tit was seen nearly as much as Yeti and when you got a glimse, well it had to last.

    The Crying Game is a movie, what I write about is my life, no stunt men, no make up and no happy ending, the star is going to die!

    Today a tit is made of plastic while siting very low on the list of things to do, just below cutting the grass.

    How did we let this happen Richard?

    We saved the whales, the polar bear and the do doo bird…………what about the tit!

    My sons rather play video games, I spent all my time climbing trees to watch betty….she lived two houses up.

  • Many truer words have never been spoken. Well done Toyman on all posts. Is Betty now 33?
    I too think Plankton is extremely evocative. What I love about her is her multifacetedness, like a well cut diamond! How do we tell her, and show her, that we love her when we need to see her and be with her and want her to be with us forever? She abounds with everything: beauty, interest, skill, you name she’s got it. I too remember a tree house! Perhaps Plankton will favor us, that we might be so lucky.
    On a more desultory note for mixed messages: I might mention Maria Shriver who in spite of her “irreconcilable differences” has bought a $10million home near Arnie Schwarzenegger! Go figure.

    • Dee says:

      Re: Maria Shriver – having separated from my husband and quite rightly so, we have remained physically close whilst very much separated on every other level, for the sake of the children …

  • toyman says:

    Betty is about 53 married with kids living in Toronto…………….

    Richard be careful how you use the word love…………

    I like The Plankton for her honesty and guts………

    I love my kids!

    Arnie is a man who had more muscle than brains, today he has no muscle but has gotten a little smarter, for he knows without that wife he is nothing……………..so its apparent to me he has put some honey on his tongue………..I would of done the same.

    • plumgrape says:

      Did you notice the story about the Iranian woman severely disfigured and blinded by acid thrown upon her by her husband forgiving him? She said that to forgive was more important than redeeming punishing restituion permitted under Sharia law? I don’t think Maria shows this munificence. Did Arnie not say he was sorry? Was it not a mistake? Does Arnie not know how important Maria is and has always been for everything. Their children are the product of their love. Why does she not forgive him? Love? I say it is love. I say “Love is all you need.”-The Beatles

  • Susan says:

    Maybe Arnie shouldn’t have put his honey in the housekeeper all those years ago. Maria has learnt a valuable lesson at age 55 – once a womaniser, always a womaniser – Arnie had that reputation from day 1 – and she still married him because of her petulance for preppy American boys. Silly Maria. Smart women often choose badly in love, it’s a proven scientific fact, I believe.

    On Desparation – I think when we want something pretty badly, we’re all a bit desparate – possibly helps us get what we want. Playing it too cool seems unnatural to me and probably sends an unnatural signal which our biological programming rejects. I have often said to my male friends that they confuse enthusiasm and pleasure with a male’s company, with desparation on the part of the woman. Just because we are enthusiastic around you, doesn’t mean we want to spend the rest of our lives with you. It just means we like you. So I do agree with Plankton in that I think it is a male construct aimed at keeping us at a safe distance – until men feel confident about their feelings for us which is perfectly fine. If a guy thinks I’m desparate, he’s not for me anyway – the guy for me will know how to interpret my enthusiasm correctly.

  • RORY O CONNOR says:

    We all want the same thing in the end: Companionship, romance, friendship, sex and all the other things that go to make a successful relationship, I yearn for an interesting woman with hopefully the ultimate aim to make a go of things with, on a long term basis and yes attraction is part of the deal too. I don’t regard divorced women in their forties as desperate or needy-no more than myself anyway. I am not that interested in woman younger than 40. I am 50 myself and unmarried. I have been treated badly by more than one woman in my lifetime, I have been a bit slow to mature emotionally and on more than one occasion let my dick do my thinking rather than my brain but my self esteem is high. I would suggest there is nothing wrong with dropping a hint or two to a man that you are available and that you are interested in him. Most men including myself do miss the cues as we are so caught up in the same worry as you-that we are needy and nervous too so on some levels we don’t put ourselves forward to an available woman..

  • toyman says:

    Susan
    A man can emit honey from different places………..
    Its a term my Grandfather used to use, it translate to sweet talk roughly, the I love you miss you kinda thing, I was wrong, you are right, I am sure you’ve heard it all before……………………

    Arnie has grown to like being famous and powerful for things not connected to a dumbell, he will bend over backwards to keep it…………

    Now……….remember this is my opinion……………

    Any healthy man cannot resist watching another woman………………..
    When they stop, its time to put them down………………..
    Plus even you as a woman wont like them……………………
    Be very careful what you wish for……………..

  • toyman says:

    L O V E !

    Arnie’s big head makes him Love his wife………….

    Arnie’s small head makes him share the love throughout the household………

    Arnie is a man, plain and simple……………..

    If he tries to stop, he will get sick and lose his form like Tiger Woods or even Rooney……….

    The longer he tries to be good; the more damage it will do…………..

    Basic….Use it or lose it!

    The only way to get good at something is to do it many times, or be Lucky genetically………….My dad at 60 had children with his 21 year old Brazilian girlfriend…..The only way to learn about women is from women and they teach you only if they like you. I am just another stupid man myself, just schooled by many women.

    Again this is my opinion and experience.

  • plumgrape says:

    I think your opinion and experience is most valuable and worthy. Thank you, Toyman and thank you, all teaching ladies.

  • toyman says:

    Hell hath no fury as a woman’s scorn………………..

    A woman can make you or break you…………………

    A woman will leave home knowing she intends to have sex tonight……

    Men leave home hoping for the best………………….

    I no longer call myself a man plumgrape…………..

    I now call myself a morph…………………..

    A morph is a man who has the ability to think like a woman………..

    Plankton has a problem, so she came out in search of answers………..

    Men suffer in silence…………..s i l e n c e !

  • Miss J says:

    Here’s something which was sent to me when I turned 40 and found myself sadly lacking in the dating arena……

    A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, ‘What are you thinking?’ She doesn’t care what you think.

    If a woman over 40 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do – and it’s usually more interesting.

    Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the theatre or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

    Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated. (Ain’t that the fuckin truth!!)

    Women get psychic as they age.You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

    Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a wanker or if you are acting like one. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her, if she says she loves you…then she means it!

    We praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons, unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in teenager’s clothes making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress!

    I say don’t write all us over 40’s single women off just yet!

  • RORY FROM DUBLIN says:

    Or us men in 40s and me now in the start of my 50s. In praise of ladies my own age-you are wonderful.!

  • toyman says:

    That relic in teenagers clothing can’t get his dick up, he believes the 22 year old will help, soon he realises that she does not and if we are lucky he will start to drink alcohol, if we are not he will start to rent call girls and take out his frustration by beating them up; when that doesnt work he can go totally mad in some cases and blames every single call girl for being the cause for his dead dick; this is when we start finding bodies by the creek…………..

    My mother went beserk when she had her hot flushes; but she never drank alcohol or harmed anyone. In the end she overcame and became stronger for it.

    Men are not as capable, most thankfully today turn to viagra others alcohol……………..

    I believe if we both understand the differences between the sexes it may bring us together……………………………….

    Again I feel compelled to mention I write only my personal observations made over the course of my relatively short life experiences………..

    Plankton thinks she has problems…………………..

  • Chuck Finley says:

    I believe there can be a desperation vibe. Men send it out all the time when they like a woman. Women detect this in an instant.
    However,
    Men are not good at picking these things up. Subsconcious cues are invisible, and most often are fairly overt indications as well.
    If you have a “desperation vibe”, any of your women friends would be able to detect this as soon as they see you around a man you have any fancy too and should have the decency to tell you.

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