Getting Your Rocks Off?

August 1, 2011 § 11 Comments

It’s amazing how many people want to know the answer to this question.  A plankton’s sex life is, it seems, the public has a right to know.

The questions, astonishingly, come virtually every day and in a number of guises.  Girlfriends I haven’t seen for a while are tactful. They say things like, “Have you had any interests of any sort?  Even so much as a kiss?”  I don’t mind on the whole and give it to them straight.  They are my friends, after all.  There are only one or two who are consistently smug and/or patronising, so with them I purposefully give nothing away.  Most of my men friends are discrete and leave me to tell them anything I want to, if I want to.  Occasionally they might ask, delicately, and that’s all right.  But the odd one can flail me.

“So, are you getting your rocks off with anyone at the moment, matey?” asked the husband of a friend of mine recently.  That puts him in a piss-poor light though in fact I am very fond of him.  It’s just he has his moments of staggering insensitivity.

My thirty or so posts so far attest to the fact, I hope, that I am far from a prude, but I fear I hate it when faced with the question put like that.  At best, days I am feeling strong, I can take it in relatively good humour and whip back that my life is shagtastic, thank you very much, though frankly what business is it of yours, you complete bollocks?  On vulnerable days, it feels intrusive and demeaning in the extreme and I want to tell them roundly to fuck off but the humiliation is overwhelming and has me (uncharacteristically) lost for words.

My godmother got it right on the phone the other night.  She said, “Have you had any twinkles?”

I knew exactly what she meant.  OK, so it sounds very Clinton Cards but, still, I thought that was a great way of putting it.  It’s gentle and, if deeply corny, accurate: precisely what I have indeed had so far – men in the near distance or far, most of whom do just that, twinkle, either brightly or less so – then dim.

At any one time there may be two, even three.  And I try to remember, despite it being the crappiest fucking cliche going, it only takes one to turn into a star.

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§ 11 Responses to Getting Your Rocks Off?

  • John says:

    How many of the thousands of guys who hang onto Plankton’s every word every day would want to be asked, maybe in a moment of intense passion, “So who have you been fucking Big Boy?”
    I maybe old fashioned but who my lady lover is playing with is her business and where I choose to put my “twinkler” is my business.
    J

  • Sarah says:

    Sounds like you might be getting more than a lot of married people…

  • You raise an interesting issue here- Until recently, I’ve been reading primarliy four (4) websites each morning- I read The Times online, then I look up the websites of BBC News, RTE news, and then CBC (Canadian broadcast news) websites to find out what is going on in the world, plus I sometimes read through the local newspapers online- Now, I read those four websites each morning plus The Plankton at WordPress, and I have to admit, I look forward to reading your posts each day- Not because I take any enjoyment from your frustrations, but because your posts are so well written and eloquent-

    -When you do ultimately succeed in your quest here, do we get a “Plankton: success at last!!” blog? Or will that be TMI for you to share with is?

  • asjbendall. says:

    My Best Man speech is ready, I have organised and managed the Stag week in the Lake District at a private complex at Chaple Stile, the pool was superb, the gym hard work and crags great! Make sure you get the arrangements from me for the wedding, It is a real event my associates are not city types, as you may have already considered from previous postings. Bambi have you worked it out! Plankton, individuals wonder what I am at, have I taken an overseas posting, recently had 2 high priority weddings now leave for my W.O.2.s bash and wedding. The chickens still refuse to lay, and your great. We need to identify you, maybe you could wave, for all of us at a Pre- arranged Earth Cam, because your site is being listed as” Contact to be identified” However with out your beautiful agreement I WILL LEAVE you as my private mystery! It does not mean that we can still not have a great party all together as originally suggested for your followers, Keep your views coming,because from me “THE GREATEST HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD IS THE KNOWLEDGE THAT ONE IS LOVED” and I would love the chance to woo you!

  • “Getting Your Rocks Off? It’s amazing how many people want to know the answer to this question. A plankton’s sex life is, it seems, the public has a right to know….”

    In fairness, you did write an article in The Times last month and then you set up a blog page devoted seemingly exclusively to your writing about this very subject…

  • “Getting Your Rocks Off? It’s amazing how many people want to know the answer to this question. A plankton’s sex life is, it seems, the public has a right to know….”

    Well, Ms. Plankton, to be honest you have now managed to arouse my sense of … curiosity on this subject matter…

  • toyman says:

    This really pisses me off…………………

    I have no interest in who is doing who!

    Goodie for them!

  • Susan says:

    I think I’d be asking “why do you want to know?” Playing psychological russian roulette is always fun to do with nosey-busy bodies. You sound like you’re doing as well as the rest of us – all those inflated stats about sex lives, how much sex we’re all having – the only people having sex are the porn actors. Bye, going to work now………….

  • Jacqueline says:

    There are a lot of people in relationships/married with barely any sex life either. I find when Im single I get questioned enviously by the attached, as some think I’m having an exciting time…

  • kidrock says:

    Well, maybe the reason people want to know about the plankton’s sex life is because the author of this blog and many similar to her can come across as highly strung. In most cases, I have found people who exhibit this kind of behaviour lack a good sex life. It’s amazing how much of an impact this can have to many areas of a person’s life.

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