So Much Love To Give

August 10, 2011 § 22 Comments

If ever there was a phrase which makes me want to reach with some urgency for the sick bag, So Much Love To Give is surely it.  But it is, I think, important at this point to say that planktons are not only looking for someone who can make them happy, they are also looking for someone whom they themselves can make happy, given half a chance.

I have had the odd comment on this blog along the lines of, Here you are saying what you want – cf. My Criteria – well, what are you planning on bringing to the table, Plankton?  Why should some man want you?

Fair comment, I guess, if a tad chippy.  (I fucking hate chippy but there we go).

Still, the thing is, I think planktons do have an awful lot to bring to the proverbial table.  I hesitate to say So Much Love To Give because it is, as I say, such a coruscatingly vomit-inducing phrase, but you get my drift.  The great thing about planktons is that we have had a few knocks, learned a few lessons and are in a perfect position to be better partners/spouses than when we were young and selfish and grabby (although we were all young once, if a while ago now, a great many of us weren’t ever that selfish or grabby, in fact, but I digress).  In the old days, we – or, at least, I – did want children and a career (such a sin? I don’t think so) and that was a very keen motivator.  I think a lot of women find themselves having to force the children issue somewhat, often against their better nature (as they know their partner/husband might prefer not to be hurried), but biology is pressing down on them and they have no choice.

As we get older, though, that particular issue having been dealt with in whatever way, for better or for worse, we can turn our thoughts onwards and upwards, not least to cherishing at leisure the significant person in our midst.  And by that, I do not mean smothering that person, God forbid, we are at that point in our lives when we relish our space too, only not whole blinking swathes and infinite frigging vistas of the bloody stuff.  I just mean being good to him and loving him, and doing it imaginatively and kindly and generously and well.


§ 22 Responses to So Much Love To Give


    “Planktons are not only looking for someone who can make them happy, they are also looking for someone whom they themselves can make happy, given half a chance”

    This is the mistake we all make-that we need someone to make us happy and that we can make someone else happy. If we are not or they are not in their/our lives we must be unhappy. It is a cliché that nothing outside of ourselves makes us happy but it is also a case in point that I have made this mistake in the past seeking my happiness through others.

    The best plan is to make a deliberate decision to be happy-in as much as you can be-irrespective of having that special someone in your life. Chances are when you are in this frame of mind you will be exuding a more positive vibe anyway and thus making yourself more attractive. There have been remarks made in this blog about desperation and desperation is a negative vibe which puts off prospective partners-on both sides.

  • Tanya Hyde says:

    Can I ask what happened to the previous Goddamn Him?

  • Butternut says:

    “I just mean being good to him and loving him, and doing it imaginatively and kindly and generously and well. ”

    I think that’s what every ‘significant other’ hopes for … it’s not a lot to give … or want …. but damn, it can be difficult sometimes!

    As an aside, just want to tell you I think your blog is bloody marvelous! It’s funny, rude, sad and clever – AND it speaks to more than just other ‘planktons’, like me, for example. I’m 48 and have been married for 20 years … and SO much of what you write I’m positive is experienced by individuals all along the sexual food chain.

  • Lydia says:

    Rory speaks the truth. First be happy in yourself.

    Studies have also show that “giving”, volunteering and all kinds of things like that make people happier (and of course work).

    There are people (probably not the plankton) who go on and on about what they want to get out of a partner from money to domestic services etc etc. What you need to look for is what you bring the party. It might be a large chest or good sexual techniques or a propensity to wear high heels and stockings, it might be an agile brain or business contacts or fertility or a small fortune or a huge load of other things, However there does need to be something there.

    For women it can be as simple growing your hair long, wearing even higher heels and getting slim. A recent study found that almost 100% of men who had an affair had it with a woman with longer hair their wife. Avoid the vicar’s wife crop.

    • stormwind says:

      I am slim, have long-ish hair, an agile brain, a large chest (good idea – useful for the linen!) and my boobs aren’t bad either! I’ll even negotiate on the high heels. I work hard and enjoy it – and volunteer for almost anything that needs support. How come they aren’t queuing up at my door?

      • Chris says:

        Well, I’m a geezer, I’m solvent, 6 foot tall slim and still got me hair. All I ask anyone to bring to the party is 5 inch heels and short skirts…..what a naughty boy I am…..but good fun !! That’s it, the rest of a person I’ll adapt to. I don;t give a damn about wrinkles, big noses, buck teeth etc. So as you can see my list is short and I am real easy going. As for you stormwind, if what you say is true I cannot see why you don’t have a queue at your door. All planktons have to do i think is make a bit of effort to please. From my experience of meeting planktons they certainly expect me to make some effort !!

      • Bambi says:

        No queue? ‘Cos you missed a few…I know they were alternatives, but would you wear stockings with your high heels, how good are your sexual technique, fertility rating and chances of coming into a small fortune? And maybe you should grow your hair even LONGER?

        The problem with email/text/blogging is that it can be toneless. For the record, I am being totally irreverent, tongue-in-cheek, here (and sometimes elsewhere on this blog). Like Chris. And, I suspect, you, Stormwind. And Plankton. Sometimes that gets a bit lost in the seriousness of it all….

      • stormwind says:

        Ah, Chris, you sound wonderful! For you, I’ll even get up on the 5 inch heels – with stockings as well – but I’m then going to be noticably taller than you – is that OK? Oh – and I’ll only do the heels on special request – it can’t be an every day thing on account of a dodgy knee from an old sports injury. Stockings and short skirts I’m cool about – just as long as it doesn’t have to be all the time. I ride and train horses – one looks pretty dumb sitting on a horse in 5 inch heels and a short skirt. (Tongue in cheek? Moi?)

        Bambi, fertility rating: zero (I am 53, after all!). I’ll discuss finances after establishing compatibility with members of the queue on the sexual techniques front! In these very serious matters, it’s important to keep the priorities right, isn’t it?? 😉

    • Elle says:

      “For women it can be as simple growing your hair long, wearing even higher heels and getting slim.”

      Lydia, it doesn’t matter what you do. I have long hair, I wear high heels and train hard. You can turn yourself inside out but it makes no difference. I’m 44 but far from invisible particularly (ironically enough) to men 7-14 years younger. That’s fine, but I’m not going to delude a younger man that I’m long term relationship material. I’m based in Dublin and no offence to Rory, but once you’re past 35 few men in Dublin want anything but a casual hookup and always on THEIR terms, usually a midweek meeting at the drop of a hat. I’m sitting here crying my eyes out over a 49 year old right now. I dared to question HIS terms and now I’m toast! Does dating over 35 in Ireland mean that you have to forsake all dignity or else be alone?

      Maybe I should be more open-minded, there are lots of lovely younger foreign guys out there and if the guys my age or older don’t want a relationship, only hookups, then a short-term romance with an appreciative younger foreign guy might be worthwhile.

      • Bambi says:

        Elle, sounds like you and Rory should meet up… never know….!

        I’m in Dublin for a few days next week – I could act as neutral negotiator, perhaps, and draw up terms acceptable to both of you!!!??? 🙂

  • [sigh…] Never mind…

  • Max the Dog says:

    Apologies if comments are only supposed to apply to the particular days, but, having read all the entries I felt I would like to add my twopenneth in a general sort of way rather than a comment on any specific days’ entry.

    ‘Where are all the men?’ I believe is the general premise of the blog. It’s simple; they’re everywhere, just as men might say ‘Where are all the women?’ You’re also everywhere. However, just because something is everywhere doesn’t mean it’s available. I postulate that there are four categoties of men;
    Type 1.Married, as you’ve pointed out within various states of happiness and contentment. As you’ve stated, no point going there.
    Type 2.Already with someone, but not married, again in various states of happiness and contentment. Again, no point going there. Which brings us to the one that are single and ‘available’.

    It is said that as one becomes older, one has a tendency to lean more to the right wing of poitics than your younger days. Not 100% convinced but, that’s another blog. What I do believe, however, is that as one becomes older, ones tolerance level of the silly tricks played out from one gender to the other is very much on a downward slope. All of which results in lots of single people who would ‘like a relationship’ but for a number of reasons don’t want the ‘hassle’ that comes with another person being around. Around in all senses of the work not just physically.

    An example. I have more sinlgle, female friends than I do male – and no, I’m not gay in the slightest.You’ll just have to take my word on that. Thing is, all my male friends are with someone (in various states of happiness etc…)so me turning up on a friday night with the idea of painting a town red goes down,well you can imagine. So I go out with my female friends, and we do everything that a couple would do except share a bed. Meals at each others places, meals out, days out etc. At least I did until a few months back when one particular friend began dropping hints that things may move on. I resisted for twelve months for a number of reasons, not least of which was that said friend was a very busy person, with high pressure job, two children at the top end of their teens, parents that required time etc. but, eventually I, succumbed. Also how would the perfectly good relationships with my other friends be affected? Anyhow, three months dowm the line after ‘moving on’ with aforementioned friend we are now both one less friend, due to you’ve guessed it not seeing enough of each other. Now, I don’t have a high pressure job, I’m well solvent thank you, I’ve no kids, and my parents are long since departed, so I’ve quite a lot of time to do ‘stuff’. My point for this section is that women will not be told; she had made it perfectly clear that she was going to ‘move on’ with someone else if I didn’t take up the baton. So chances were that our ‘friendship’ was coming to an end anyway. That women in general will not be told has been a recurring theme across many years with women I’ve had relationships with; it is their way or I’ll get someone else. The concept of compromise is a difficult one. With one very lovely exception: my last partner, she was by far and away the most gorgeous, interesting, sexy yep, sexy woman I’ve ever been fortunate to be with. However, unfortunately for both of us, by the time we met she was terminally ill with a particularly vicious type of brain tumour. In the 18 months we had together, I had the best time of my life – (and she told me she did too) and no it wasn’t all about sex. It kind of focuses minds on only the most important things. No point scoring, no mind games.

    Which brings me back to the other two types of men. It is said that the two most common reasons disharmony for couples is money and sex. Someone spends too much money/spends not enough money, too much sex/not enough sex. My last partners’ most favourite adage was something along the lines of :
    ‘If you’ve got sex sorted, then everything else is do – able, with suitable compromises. But if you haven’t, just watch how it infects the rest of your relationship’.

    Type 3. The man who gets his sex from his PC. Assuming he is in some kind of relationship, he has, after a period of years given up. He’s been rebuffed many times, wife/girlfriend was never that bothered even in the period of affection, before it all became that awful term ‘mechanical and perfunctory’. Let us keep in mind that just because a couple have been together 20 years doesn’t mean they are still happy.

    Type 4. The man who gets his sex from paying for it. Again he’s given up. He might be single, he should be single, doing that while with someone is beyond the pale. MP’s take note.

    Now, I’m not in any way condoning any of the behaviour mentioned above in types 3 and 4. They are just observations garnered from my life, the life of others, comments, conversations. The fact is that humans treat each other on occasion terribly, and on occasion wonderfully. I think the article by Kathryn Flett in the Sunday Times 10 July says it all; in essence ‘be happy for a while’.

    And since when did we (men) have the monopoly of being SFAR. There are, I’m afraid female versions.

  • Rubycon says:

    Good Morning Ms. Plankton,

    As someone in a similar boat but with with biology breathing down her neck, I can say with certainty that it is definitely a big perk to have already had your children. Some of us are going ever deeper into the unfriendly wilderness that is your Thirties without ever having met a husband to divorce in the first place. It puts pressure on everything and I’m starting to become a stereotype that I NEVER wanted to become. It makes me very sad. But, enough of that. Life goes on. You may or may not find this interesting or helpful, but I’ve been reading/youtubing a lot of Osho lately. He was an Indian Mystic with communes and a considerable following who gained in popularity in the 70’s and 80’s. He’s not for everyone-he’s very provocative and iconoclastic, which rubs a lot of people the wrong way, but that’s actually what drew me to him. Anyway, he wasn’t right about everything, but I think he was on to something with a lot of his ideas, and during my own adventures in singledom, I’ve found him to be insightful. He suggests that to be in love, one should first be selfish…

    • Bambi says:

      Oh God…it’s that “old chestnut” again – See August 3rd blog….”You have to love yourself”…

      Nice hat though…..

      • Rubycon says:

        the hat is seriously amazing; it may have changed my life. I don’t think of it as an old chestnut; actually, I think people regurgitate it all day long without having the slightest grasp of what it means. The same people who say it don’t love themselves deep down. People like to give advice and not take it. Most people seek to escape themselves.The fear of being alone is the glue that holds many (if not most) relationships together. It’s cliche because people say it all day long-and if I hear someone saying it I immediately roll my eyes-not because it isn’t true, but because they haven’t experienced it. People like to submerge their emotions in alcohol, video games, exercise, work, tv, etc and do whatever they can to avoid uncomfortable feelings. I love the Friedrich Nietzsche quote, “Your love of your neighbor is your bad love of yourself” So many people don’t even know themselves or what they want, let alone self love…oh well, Osho’s not for everyone.

        PS-he wears the hat because he is bald.

  • june says:

    Yes again words of wisdom plankton. people funnily enough often say to me you are a lovely person, you have so much to give, although i dont feel i am totally a lovely person, eg not a sainted sort, just a faliable human being, i get their drift. i normally reply well i cant be that lovely or fate would have smiled on me and not left me alone.

    I am way past child bearing age, well we know in this day and age of fertility treatments, no-one is, but i decided my cut off date for kids was 35 and i havent changed that view, elderly motherhood is not in my opinion one of better things medical science has brought us in past few years. so for me that is one thing i havent a problem with.

    Of course i do not want to live with someone all the time, i lived with my lovely dad til a few years ago and yes i have to say living alone all the time is not a great experience, and as a single person in a coupled up world doubly hard. kind though ones friends are, they dont seem realise a visit now and again would be nice, and a text or a email,even a phone call is not quite the same as human contact, also that when you go out with them its you that returns to an emplty flat. im retired and yes often feel a part time job would help but some of my friends seem to think i should definitely get one as it would give me a purpose,! with the job market how it is, i cant quite see employers queing up for a 64 year old woman, even a quite youthful one like myself, the other option i get is volunteer it would make you feel better bout yourself, no it wouldnt,i feel quite good about myself anyway, do gooding woukd make no difference to me, its company i lack and as you say plankton where the hell is he.!

  • Bambi says:

    “….planktons are not only looking for someone who can make them happy, they are also looking for someone whom they themselves can make happy, given half a chance”.

    ‘Fraid this Plankton isn’t. Been there, done that. The next beneficiary of my (not inconsiderable stash of) affection will need to have nothing else other that some level of inner contentment. My (future) ex always looked to externals to make him happy (still does, still not happy). Nothing – not me, not anyone else, not wealth, not love, nor success – will ever “make” him happy. Not even a Mistress! Unless someone has an inner contentment (absolutely NOT to be cofused with “loving oneself”!), lavishing any amount of affection on him/her Will Not Make Him/Her Happy. Btw, my ex’s name is not “Rory” and he is not “from Dublin” – though he (the ex) seems to have made the same mistake as RFD (I applaud your honesty in admitting it – I was at the opposite side of the mistake you say you made, Rory).

    Despite being a Plankton, I have to say that I am inherently happy. Yes, there was the period 8 years ago where I felt the force of a concrete block being smashed in my face (metaphorically speaking, that is), periods of sadness at what was lost (still have those occasionally), times where, of course, I would love to be sharing a bed/an experience/time/a laugh/fun/”stuff” with someone….but it isn’t a defining thing…. Nor have I become “invisible”, despite being 50 – so that positive (non-desperate) vibe definitely does work…if not in attracting a life partner (to date, anyway), at least in attracting possibilities…. not all of which are Stripey-Shirts- Marrieds….. And, hey ho, if the Life Partner thing doesn’t happen, then that’s ok too, as has been suggested by quite a few of the bloggers here….

    “I just mean being good to him and loving him, and doing it imaginatively and kindly and generously and well”.
    Now, THAT I agree with….So long as it is not expected to “make” him happy.

    Now, enough navel-gazing (sorry Chris) – am off to decide which of my many pairs of 5-inch heels (another nod to Chris) to wear for the dinner date I’m going on this weekend….. Wish me luck! With the date, not the shoes!

    • Rubycon says:

      inner contentment is just another way of saying self love. It’s less worn out so kind of sounds better, but it means the same thing ultimately. Enjoyment or contentment of one’s self from within. Po-tay-to po-tah-to

  • Emaczero says:

    Plankton, perhaps you could try one/some of the self help, power of positive thinking, mind power, how to love yourself books I have tried over the last year?! They don’t help, of course, as they all say the same thing ‘think cheerful thoughts and you’ll be cheerful’ but, hey, they pass the time. And let’s face it, in planktonville, what else is there to do?

  • Caro says:

    See, men say they like women in 5 inch heels, but when confronted with me standing at over 6ft 3in in them, I tend to find the reaction becomes slightly less positive!

    And Plankton, thanks for so eloquently, and amusingly, expressing the thoughts and feelings I have had since my divorce. Also to all the other commentators. It is a relief to know that I am not the only person doing all the right things but still experiencing plankton life!

  • toyman says:

    Osho is talking out of his butt………………………..

    Nonsense, he is not a man; but a mouse parading as a cat!

    He looks like my father if he did not shave for a year and wore a silly hat!

    Why is it that anyone who wants to come across as being in the know has to resemble Moses?

    I have observed that most marriages fail; but most people who just live together tend to stay together…………

    Even homo sexual’s who lived happily together and fought for the right to get married, ended in divorce after getting legally hitched………….go figure………….

    Sexual attraction is a instinctive primitive ability we are all born with, its competitive according to Darwin for the strength of the next generation……… that’s his theory…..

    Just like any athlete who is in preparation for the Olympics, one must prepare……………..fact……

    I went to the gym this morning, just ate some yogurt with grapefruit………..

    I want a companion and I am preparing as best as I can for it, for I am sure no woman will be attracted to me if I am out of breath during a mere conversation………………………….

    S P A R T A N !

    Prepare to do battle people…………………………….

    You want a mate………….well hell, go get one and stop the fuckin whinging!


    If I did not shave for a year, wore a hat like Osho and wore a backpack, I would probably be arrested in Victoria Station!……fact

  • toyman says:

    RE: Max the dog………..

    Maximus your comment was very intelligent!

    You are one bright dog!

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