Mother of All Match-Makers

August 12, 2011 § 39 Comments

My mother is match-making me with someone.  Is this a complete no-no?

It has to be said, he sounds from her (and, since her, Google and a host of other people I know who turn out to know him) completely wonderful.

I have just read a book by him.  Have been up till 2am reading it these past few nights.  Of course, I have fallen in love with his prose and I suppose by extension, him in a way.

I haven’t even met him, poor sod, and am already weaving ideas above my plankton station.

It’s bound to end in tears, and only mine.


§ 39 Responses to Mother of All Match-Makers

  • SARTM says:

    Go girl! my fingers and toes are crossed for ya!

  • Nothing ventured, nothing gained! Good luck!

  • AnonW says:

    I sometimes feel it’s a great advantage not to have any parents left. Especially, in matters of relationships.

  • AJ says:

    this is most definitely good news, can hear faint flutterings of hope.. you simply HAVE to keep us posted on this one!!

  • Bambi says:

    Wait for it. Bet the Smidgen will make contact now….

    Might also be a good plan to balance the research/reading with an early night….before meeting yer man. (Alternatively, have the Touche Eclat at the ready).

    Poor Scott.

    Adieu and bon chance, fair Plankton….till we meet again…..!!!!???

  • T Lover says:

    Things are looking up then – for you and for me.

    I bet you didn’t know this- sit down, what a huge surprise this must be, I am not really Sarah, Duchess of WeightWatchers.

    I am, (fanfare), however, a leading academic recently commissioned to revise and add to the reference book “The Battle of the Sexes, One Finger or Two?” by M.C. Pig.

    Today, I have had to turn the commission down, today I am a new man.

    For two and a half years I have endured the slings and arrows of outrageous on line dating. Narrow escapes from the fleshpots – large chests, exaggerated claims of female sexual prowess et al.

    But yesterday, there I was collecting pictures from the saleroom when it happened. Yes it. I fell in love with a stranger. Bright, well spoken (very) and a magical bottom. How did she get in those jeans?

    So what to do? Behind my hand I whispered to the lady at the desk “get her number for me”. Response verbatim – this being the north – “yer wart?”.

    No worries. I went to the car with another picture and there was the vision. Admiring a watercolour propped against the steering wheel. We spoke. I liked her, she liked me. Without foreplay: “give me your phone number”. Just like that.

    Is this why the clouds have lifted and I am a new man? Sorry, no.

    I phoned the saleroom. Got that number, no need to trouble you. Are you going to phone her? Thinking about it.

    At that moment one could hear the female mind at work. As clear as some ancient vast machine in an industrial museum. “Playing hard to get are we?” No, wrong, wondering whether it is worth it.

    In the bath I weighed “it” up. Was she 50? Single? No children? Never had a proper relationship? Not a clue about give and take and compromise? Just escaped from one of those. A Vet who turned out to be a Vegan member of the League Against Cruel Sports who thought it was clever and feminine to fart.

    Or will there be children complications, can’t do this weekend because Lydia is home from the psychiatric unit, that sort of thing.

    And then again what will she say when she finds out I buy underpants in bulk from Asda and most are on the bedroom floor. Or like a naked stroll in the garden in the early morning sun.

    I am at peace with myself this today. The urge to engage with one of them there women finally went down the plughole with the bathwater.

    I salute you. The credit is yours. The torture I have endured whilst, for two years I have wondered why the one for me never knocked on my door has been totally salved by this blog. My eyes have been opened. Bless.

    • Sarah says:

      So are you going to ring her or not?

      (I got lost towards the bottom)

      • Bambi says:

        I reckon that the answer to that is in the negative, Sarah…. I think Magic Bottom – and any associated urges- have been swallyed down the plughole. Whoooosh!

        Meanwhile, the woman, presumably innocent of any crime against T Lover, awaits a phonecall from a man (a Smidgen, perhaps??) whom she met when she was Least Expecting It. And so, on and on the cycle goes….ensuring the continuance of this great, funny-sad, angry, amusing, serious, irreverent, cynical, ridiculous, sometimes desperate (as in, despairing, not awful) blog….

        I wonder, T Lover, if you have also “got lost towards the bottom”….in every sense 🙂 Not SAYIN’, like…..just WONDRIN’…..

    • t lover says:

      How many more bad “bottom” puns am I going to have to suffer? Swallied is a lovely word but the judgment that this prospect has been swallied down the plughole is a touch severe.

      The bum. It really was a cracker – pun intended – and her jeans were sprayed on. Delicious.

      What am I going to do? How the hell do I know? Be indecisive and think about it I suppose. After two and a half years on my own I don’t know how to work the washing machine. I’m just a bloke.

      In the scales are a drink with friends in an hour, shooting tomorrow, fishing Sunday, out for dinner the following Saturday, a wedding the next Saturday etc etc etc etc. Mix in an acre of garden to maintain, washing, cleaning and just generally managing to survive.

      What profit then in chasing a woman I may not to like? Or like but I end up hurt? Or disappointed because even I concede that the nicest backside in the known universe need not be the property of the nicest person.

      If I phone and she says “yes” she won’t say lovely to hear from you. I will show you how to hold the iron, make you a casserole then show you a good time provided you buy me a half of lager and a packet of crisps is she? No, it will be haircut, suit, champagne, races, champagne, meal, champagne then bye bye I don’t think you are my type. All this whilst the weeds are advancing down the garden – time could be better spent.

      In this next day cooling off period I therefore ask: do I want the mither any more?

      And it’s not fair to assume she is sitting by a silent telephone waiting for me. To the contrary, she might be praying that I don’t phone and she has to make an excuse. She has my number too (I think so, yes I think she does) so she could phone me if she was desperate. If she showed she was keen and ‘phoned I would say yes. Yes I would.

      I love women. The trouble is: finding the right one and whether the looking is worth the result.

      • Bambi says:

        Ok, I might be exactly where you are on the last paragraph(substituting “men” for “women”, of course) but….what ever happened to a good ole “would you like to meet for a stroll and a coffee”? You could even stop to tie your shoelace and let her walk ahead for a while for you to admire the view. And you could wear jeans, cos going for a walk in a suit looks silly. Pick a windy day, when longer hair looks cool and sexy, so no haircut required. Simple.

        Go on. Ring her. Take a chance. Enjoy the journey.

        And btw, I want to be bridesmaid… (or are Planktons only ever Matrons of Honour….? Yuk – horrible term!)

      • Rubycon says:

        yes I agree, why mention her if you didn’t like her? Give her a ring and do a casual date first — and if she’s worth a second date, *then* do the champagne and haircut.

      • T. Lover. says:

        Bambi, I am disorientated by your good natured response.

        Let me try again. The wife walks. You feel something is missing and think (underline think) you want another.

        You try, because everybody says do it, the internet.

        You then enter a surreal world where nothing is fact. I have learned a lesson. I will never trust a woman again. The crap, the deceit.

        You bang your head against the wall, beat yourself up, but one day the penny drops. You don’t need a woman, you have interests, you have friends. Why risk your financial pants being pinched again? Why are your emotions beaten up by a crap relationship?

        Women are lovely. Delicious.

        This diatribe would have been alien to my parents and horrifying to my Grandparents. You, the sisters, have made your bed. You have lost sight of the fact men and women are not equal we are different animals. Therefore, and despite the kind terms in which you put your response, I will reply in the language of the gutter. I have had so many knocks, I can’t be arsed to make ‘phone call. It seemed sexy yesterday but another picture is sexier today.

        Scott, send me your number, I’ll marry you. Condition: no sex. Lydia, bring that big chest once a week. Happiness will reign.

  • Lydia says:

    I think although it’s good to be optimstic some women do far too early be visualising the wedding whilst they are having the first dinner, whilst all he’s thinking about is either the food or what might she look like in her knickers.. Good luck with it.

    As for wearing tight jeans when you have a nice bottom I wiould certainly agree that TL is right. The advantage of the pubilc/bar/choir/salsa pick up is that you see the person whereas if you drag the computer troglodytes away from their computer screens for internet dating you don’t really know what they look like even from a photograph until you meet them.

  • DAN says:

    Plankton, without sounding too corny,

    Give it a go,

    Or you’ll never know.


  • Sarah says:

    Well at least you can blame yer mum if it all goes horribly wrong. 🙂

  • asjbendall. says:

    Roxy”s, maybe, the signs are good, 3 eggs on return, the Omens have spoken, hope he can keep you in the manner you feel, appropriate to your standing in life, get Miss Bates to do your pre nup agreement in case it alters your existing settlement. Trust you have considered your family, will they likewise enjoy no longer being the centre of your attention, imagine he could make you the subject of his next book, how he fell in love with a _ _ _ _ who likes to swear, and has told the world of her exploits,”The Whale, Not Speared, But Caputured By Plankton.” Best wishes, Stormwinds comments of yesterday were brilliant! The more I read, the greater my curiosity. It would take a very special person to fall for all of Planktons ideals and not be able to have her follow any of his activities, PLANKTON many men through out the world nowadays do Sport, Outdoor pursuits(land and water based), Cook and Entertain, Spectate and Participate in all manner of activities, that appear to not come in to your guilded views! Maybe your looking for a provider rather than a lover and soulmate, e.g. a BMW/AUDI, rather than MINI. Dream On!!

  • june says:

    Well it seems you are all gettijg a little too optomistic here people or am i just an old cync.

    My mum never matchmade for me she always said i was far too choosey and would never meet anyone, and what do you know she was right.i always said id like someone like my dad, and she would say your dads not perfect, no but he was kind, generous, easy going sociable and he actually liked women,as people, i think thats a pretty good start, and its my experience, precious few men have those qualities.

    I only hope plankton your date has them, keep us posted.

    • Bambi says:

      One total cynic here, June.

      I’m so cynical, I suspect Plankton may just be poking fun (or maybe looking for an out from the onerous daily blog requirement). Not that I would blame her, to be honest. It’s a big responsibility!

      • asjbendall. says:

        “Touche Eclat”, from the translation,”” Captures the light, banishing signs of fatigue and fading out imperfections.”” An unusual blessing, trust your Big dinner date goes well, otherwise bring it on, my soon to be real Plankton, I am available for lunch dates and all social functions, as the Plankton is now otherwise engaged, and I will soon have caught up with my beauty sleep.

      • Bambi says:

        Huh, ASJ. The position of (first/second/third?) sub does not flatter me. Now I am sulking…. 😦

        Anyway, you might need to own your own aircraft…….or a boat.

        But at least your hens are laying, so all is not lost. THREE eggs, no less!

      • asjbendall. says:

        Omlette for dinner! splendid. Northern or Southern Hemisphere? Lucky that I have an up to date passport, “”Switch me on, Turn me up, Your just made for love, Dial up my love.”” Could I not use a parachute, or could that upset the local chickens.

      • Bambi says:

        ASJ, Ryanair would be easier. Parachute would upset the locals, not to mind the local chickens.

        I thought this was a blog…. Or have I erroneously happened upon an online dating agency by mistake….!?!!!!

      • Bambi says:

        Ups. tautology in last post. Meant to type either “erroneously” OR “by mistake”. Not both….

    • asjbendall. says:

      A blog is a continual tour, our guide is the Plankton, we are the audience, developing as a community, ideas shared and friends cultivated on line. You mentioned Galway horse racing, well here is the link, go onto You Tube,”” The Big Cheese Cheltenhams, Cross Country Course:”” or “”The Bridge of the Ship, The Stewards Box”” both at Cheltenham Racecourse you will see me in the racing world. You will then see there is no hope for me, but Horse racing is my love and the safety of the the horses and the jockeys is my priority. But thats not to say you cannot speak when I am at Punchestown or at the National Stud, or at any other time.

      • Bambi says:

        No so, ASJ – there is hope for you – especially now that it seems Plankton does not even have a definite date. You may still be in with a chance…. a duel at dawn between you and Scott? And maye then Long Shot or Smidgen…. I’m backing you!

        Did I or someone else mention Galway races? I don’t recall. Was there myself recently – what fun! Didn’t see one horse, though – except on a TV screen (Hanging head in shame! Me, that is. Not the horse.)


    Be careful what you wish for and unfortunately even after all these years of my mother offering advice I have to find in her favour that she was generally right.As a mother you too probably know this too even if it kills you to admit it.

    So if he is good enough for her there is a sporting chance he will be good enough for you too. What about all us poor fools who are addicted to your blog-where will that leave us?

    • asjbendall. says:

      We will all be at the Wedding, as Ushers and Bridesmaids, God help him if he lets her down, because one by one we will all attend to his every need!! How could he otherwise deprive us of being able to lead Plankton through married bliss and mutual harmony, from the Bedside Blog. (Now their is an idea for LYDIA!!!)

  • EmGee says:

    There is no high quite like the high one gets from creating a romantic fantasy around someone else. Like any high, we come down from it eventually (oftimes w/ an emotional hangover, aka lovesickness), but it is great while it lasts.

    Asking whether it is right to let Mom arrange a date far too broad a question, some people you trust in this issue, most you don’t. I think the thing to remember, if one accepts the challenge is, it is \\just\\ a date. No one’s getting to know anybody, because everyone’s on their best behavior.

    Enjoy your date, Plankton.

  • Mack says:

    The only advice i can offer is to make sure you get a bikini wax beforehand. Clear the cobeebs and all that.

  • Rubycon says:

    I look forward to hearing all about it!

  • toyman says:

    Gee’s People………….
    I feel like I am late today……………

    Plankton; a matchmaker your mother is not……………

    I am sure her intentions are good and you may get a date out of it; but a matchmaker is a professional that can be found in the Asian culture since time………..

    Your date first has to like the matchmaker before they trust their judgement and ultimately; lead………………….

  • The annual Perseids meteor shower is going to be visible tonight from the northern hemisphere of this planet, if it is a clear night in England- Since the dawn of written language during the neolithic era, all kinds of strange things seem to have to coincided with the annual Perseid and Pleaides meteor showers-

    Perhaps the presence of the meteors tonight just might bring you luck, perhaps their presence somehow pulls at the right time on the pheremones and the hormones of mystery man, and tonight Ms. Plankton and Mystery Man just might maybe go for a walk to go stargazing together alone in a backyard or in a park and then in the dark, they might hold hands together, and then …. …. and then … … . and then… …. ….

    • AnonW says:

      I agreee with Scott. I shall be watching from Primrose Hill, if I remember to go.

      Good meteor showers are much less predictable and beautiful than any television.

  • peluchka says:

    mothers who can really match make? Fiddler on the roof or miracle?

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