Long Shot

August 13, 2011 § 20 Comments

I want to say a socking great thank you to all of you have wished me good luck with the fellow that my mother and I are all excited about.  That is so sweet of you and I am very touched. 

Of course I am gagging to pass on any good news but, characteristically I guess, I am not expecting it any time soon.

Much though I was transfixed by his book and his winning character (so unwittingly but vividly conveyed), it has to be said, I fear, that he is something of a Long Shot.  Quite apart from the fact I have never met him even though he is a far distant relation, he is good and kind and funny and clever so already has a number of women after him, I gather.  When I know that about a man it freaks me out because, ever the defeatist, I think, oh well, bugger that then, what chance have I?  And I usually bow out of the ring before I’ve even entered it.

My mother and other beloved parent met Long Shot about three weeks ago, and they were very much under the impression that he was single then.  The other beloved parent, taking on the Mrs Bennett role, loyally extolled my virtues at some length, apparently, although he did so in a way that I am not entirely convinced made me out to be altogether irresistible to LSLS (Long-Suffering Long Shot).  But never mind.  Frankly, if my aunt’s wisdom (cf. earlier post, The Wisdom of My Aunt) is anything to go by, all Other Beloved Parent’s efforts will have anyway gone to waste.  LS will have already been snatched up before I have even managed to wangle one meeting and had one goddamn chance to strut my stuff.  (Oh, and what 47 year old stuff, too, ha bloody ha!)

This is inordinately vexing.  As we know, a good one that comes on the market, ain’t on the market for more than a millisecond.  Long Shot was seemingly available just a few Thursdays ago.

I kind of doubt he is any more but I suppose he can remain a Long Shot till such time that I receive absolute confirmation that he is a Man on the Leash of a Gorgeous Pouting Blonde in Tight White Jeans Up to Her Fucking Nostrils Who Though Brand New to Him Is Proprietorally Clinging on to Him for Dear Life.  Though, with any darn luck, and if his book is anything to go by, he is not attracted to that type, or at least doesn’t think he is but that’s before someone unlike me (never worn a pair of white jeans in my life and altogether rather more retiring) lands on his lap and gives him no choice.  (Which reminds me, I must tell you about Circus Man sometime, grrrr!).

But I am so enchanted by the idea of Long Shot – for that is all he is, as yet, an idea – that I have come all over teenage even though there are no definite plans for a meeting as yet.  How sad is that?  It’s just that he sounds so utterly wonderful.

So it is, Long Shot – ping! – Add to Basket.

Already Added to Basket some time ago: Smidgen and October Man (who I have yet to tell you about, but will anon).

I wonder – though am as yet taking no bets; I’ll leave that to you loyal followers – with which one of these “twinkles” as my godmother calls them, am I going to get to Proceed to Checkout?

If, God willing, any of them?   Probably none!

Ah, bollocks!  What the hell?  Perchance to dream.


§ 20 Responses to Long Shot


    Just so you know some Journo in The Irish Independent today did a write up about your blog.

    She is under the impression you come across as desperate and looking to turn this into a book. The writer regards you as “unwaveringly negative, hyper-analytic and convinced you are worthless as a sexual partner but quick to dismiss anything that does not conform to you ideal”.

    So that covers about 95% of the population so-both men and women!

  • Mezzanine says:

    Hi Plankton

    First of all I would just like to say that I love your blog. I am so glad I found it. You make me laugh and cry in equal measures (cry only when having a bad day), but best of all you make me think. That can only be good for a 52 year old plankton. I love reading the comments left too. Please don’t stop even if you do find another other half.

    As for Long Shot, get in there and do the business Ms Plankton! Don’t waste any more time. Whatever the outcome, don’t miss this opportunity. This is the stuff of life (TLover please take note!). If you, of all planktons, can’t make an impression on this man then I will give up lol.

    Go girl go……..and let us know, please :0)

    • T. Lover. says:

      It is six in the morning. Over the first pint of tea I looked and read your missive “T Lover take note”.

      Something has died, I don’t know where, probably between the floorboards, and squadrons of blowies are flying missions in the back kitchen. I can’t reach the window across the worktop with my weapon of choice so, like my alter ego James Bond, I visited M and kitted myself out with the latest. The Henry vacuum, extra steel pipe and that narrow nozzle. By the way, what do women do with that thing?

      Now I have become so skilful with this new kit I can nail bluebottles in flight. Vac on high, me on a high as with a tiny phut and a noise I can’t describe each of the b……ds rattles down the pipe.

      Yesterday, in the middle of nowhere, I found an abandoned cockerel. Out came the landing net in the game bag squawking went the young lad and at this very moment he is trilling a cockerel trill in the shed. A new mate for T Lover to chat to in the garden.

      The point. The radio is on, I am slurping tea in my own castle. Thanks to this blog my mind is at rest. I am not going to sing out of tune and put the result on YouTube to impress some bird. By the by, she must be easily impressed, he needed a good haircut and a reminder that an Angels are a figment of the imagination.

      Sorry, there is a point. No Mr Hyde to bullock me because the radio is too loud at this time in the morning, she is trying to sleep. No Mr Hyde to tell me I can’t go for supper tonight with my mate and have a good boys giggle because so and so (her hideous cousin) is arriving (with her hideous brats) and they are desperate to see the two teenage horrors foist on me as part of the package that came with my new Angel.

      I am not making that phone call no matter how bonny “she” is, no matter how wonderful her bottie, her mind or any other thing she possesses. I am now, sister, a woman free angst free zone. This morning’s only worry: when I turn off the vac do they escape?

      Lads, spread the word. They want us, we don’t need them. And don’t have your brains rattled by the three a day Lydias they are barking and dangerous. Stand together (no dirty pun intended) we can redress the balance and put these dangerous creatures back in their proper place.

      Post script. My preference of choice: to have been still happily married but that is not to be. Her choice. So I am middle aged, on my own and free and about to have my financial pants forcibly removed. Does this explain why you gals are finding things a little more difficult and why I ain’t making that call?

      • Sarah Hague says:

        This made me laugh, because while women meet a man and immediately start planning an imaginary wedding gown (an innocent pleasure because it’s really just imaginary), you see a bottie and immediately see her and her kids move in with you.

        More and more divorcees think exactly like you, TL, and don’t want to give up their freedom even if they start a relationship with a lovely person. They don’t move in, they don’t impose and they don’t suck each other dry either financially or emotionally.

        That is the joy of a relationship with an adult who’s done the kid thing – options. You do what works best for you both.

  • Lydia says:

    It could all work. Go for it.
    I don’t agree that good men are not on the market long. Yesterday I spoke to 4 (excessive even by my standards. I need to keep better records. I once saw a woman’s blog of all men she’d met about 50 with height, eye colour, weight, sexual interests, hobbies, job. I don’t have that kind of time for excel spreadsheets so if I’m not careful they merge into one, such an abundance of single men in London are there for women in their late 40s like I am (superwomen rather than plankton.. I jest – it’s just a state of mind)… One has been divorced for a few years. Another admittedly is out of work but been single a while. Another has been single for a year. The fourth who lives too far away I think he’d been divorced 8 years.

    I’m not saying all 4 would be suitable for plankton but if someone as I am , late 40s, children etc can find so many around that I’m batting some away simply because there are too many others I am sure you can.

    They tend to come in phases though like buses. Christmas brings them out as they remember happy Christmases when they were married, Easter was busy and now it’s August and a time when they are out and about and hunting. May be it’s like hte shooting season so pick your time carefully. All good fun.

    It must be seen as a pleasure to have the privliege of talking to different and fascinating men even if there isn’t always the right chemistry. Aren’t we lucky? Isn’t life good?

    • Sarah Hague says:

      This is so true, Lydia. There are lots of fascinating men out there. They may not be suitable for a relationship in the end, but can still be great fun to know.

      What always amazed me was how good they are at turning a funny, interesting email. When you think that many men are not that chatty and are pretty discreet when you meet them, in email they really let rip and you discover a whole new world inside their heads.

      I really enjoyed indulging in email correspondence with the ones I was never likely to meet because they were across the Atlantic. They were funny, witty, intelligent, perceptive, challenging, receptive and open.

      When you marry, you never realise just how amazing other guys are because you can never get close enough. Divorce has many disadvantages, but one of the advantages is being able to meet a world of amazing men. Lucky us! 🙂

  • june says:

    Why plankton can you not meet this guy soon, as you say he sounds so good, he will soon be snapped up.

    I joy of joys just had an email pop up from plenty fish, have you had the wonder of this dating website, its so full of gems – not. The one i just received wanting to meet me was roughly my age, but looked considerably older , lived in in nearby seaside resort, why when i specifically state in my profile i only want to meet men from Norwich as i am a city person with city ideas do i get men from all points elsewhere, can they not read, this one certainly cant spell,so possibly not. I wouldnt go out with him if he was last man on planet, he looks and sounds like men i have spent my life avoiding and hopefully will go on avoiding .

    So meet this guy soon, believe me wait a few more years and what will be available, you just wont want to meet, even for a quick coffee,they are so dire, older women can meet men on dating websites, possibly, if they are so desperate they will basically accept anyone who breathes.! otherwise no they cant.

    Good luck.

  • Sarah Hague says:

    I do hope you get to meet him soon. He may well be quite picky too, you know, and won’t fall into the latest pair of hotpants, except for a little temporary light entertainment.

    Women are terrible for doubting themselves and putting themselves down thinking that every other female has a lot more to offer. They don’t, they have different stuff to offer, but your stuff may well appeal to him more than their stuff.

    Fingers crossed.

  • Caro says:

    Well, it might work and it might not, but there has always been the pleasurable anticipation, if nothing else.

    But no, don’t back out before even entering the ring. Sarah’s right – it’s not about other woman having better stuff to offer, just different. And who’s to know that your stuff isn’t what he likes if you don’t meet up

    Go for it!

  • toyman says:

    I am waiting to hear someone say:

    It is God’s will, any moment now………………………

    It worries me when adults start to behave like children………………………………….

  • MissM says:

    I can so relate to June, and not at all to Sarah and Lydia. Fascinating, funny, witty, intelligent, perceptive, these are not adjectives for any men where I live. Monosyllabic, hairy-palmed, knuckle dragging neanderthals is a more fitting description.

    I will also agree with June that they don’t read profiles, and I am not entirely sure they even can. Plenty of Fish seems to be full of men who think books are those things that were best avoided since school. Indeed they are too dire to even have coffee with. I don’t know how one finds people from further afield since others seem so focussed on local people only.

    Good luck Plankton, it’s an old platitude but if he were the sort who would be swayed by a Gorgeous Pouting Blonde in Tight White Jeans then you wouldn’t want him anyway. You deserve someone who appreciates the things that you have to offer. Those that don’t appreciate you simply don’t deserve you.

  • T. Lover. says:

    ………..”because while women meet a man and immediately start planning an imaginary wedding gown”. Wrong. They imagine a ring through the male nose.

    “an innocent pleasure because it’s really just imaginary” Wrong. Only a woman sees buying a dress as a pleasure. It is not imaginary at all, it is out and out scheming.

    “you see a bottie and immediately see her and her kids move in with you” Wrong. Thanks to a couple of years of unsuccessful internet dating and this blog (which has confirmed the worst) I see a nice woman and think trouble.

    “More and more divorcees think exactly like you, TL, and don’t want to give up their freedom even if they start a relationship with a lovely person.” Wrong. I would be better off with a female. I like the feel of them especially when they have nowt on in the morning as you are sharing a mug of tea in bed. I would do more at home and work if I didn’t have to do the cleaning.

    But time changes people. I was in love when I got married and for fifteen years. Then there was a bad spell at work. Then I wasn’t paying her enough attention so someone (I still don’t know who) started paying her attention at my home whilst I was at work. My world imploded. Two years apart. Financial disaster. Kids in turmoil. She then comes back. Son leaves. Then Daughter. Not paying her enough attention in the empty nest apparently and she’s at it again. THIS is the sort of story you hear again and again. This is why there are more and more divorcees and why you lot are finding it more and more difficult to mug a bloke.

    Twenty years ago the money I generated before this marriage would have been mine and the dosh I inherited. Now her new bloke must think – putting in crudely – that his old boy is in the Klondike. She had no financial incentive to make our marriage work. No peer group pressure. No social disapproval.

    “They don’t move in, they don’t impose and they don’t suck each other dry either financially or emotionally”. True. They aren’t going to cross the threshold full stop.

    “That is the joy of a relationship with an adult who’s done the kid thing – options. You do what works best for you both” This one had me rolling round the floor. Even the dog (a girl, politically insensititive even in this diatribe to say a bitch) was giggling. Typical woman. “Both”: you mean T Lover and A.N. Other. You women always assume one of these things, a woman, a bird, you mean, wash my mouth out and hold my nose, a wife, a partner a gal is a must have for me, yurs truly. No: a bloke is a must have for a woman not the other way round.

    “Has done the kid thing options.” Translated into real world bluntness still means inheriting her children, jealousies and dislike between mine and hers. Then the jackpot. She is a Grandma and abandons you to spend her time babysitting.

    Welcome to the real world sisters and cheerio.

  • Miss J says:

    T Lover….I can see why you’d think like you do given your experiences, but can I just say, we’re not all like that you know. That statement is all the harder to back up when you see the lengths some females will go to to bag her a man…and not just any man, but one who fits in with her 5 year plan and ticks every single box on HER wish list.

    Not everyone has an agenda, not everyone needs another person to make them happy but some do. They’re the ones who get us 40 something women a bad name. Looking at this blog from a male perspective, I can see why the scheming, the second guessing,the amateur psychoanalysis and the downright dirty tricks some women employ to change their Plankton status would make most decent men run a country mile. Whatever happened to honesty – or am I being naive?

    • lulu says:

      Miss J – I totally agree with you.
      I am embarrassed by my fellow sisters who seem – in general – to be of the opinion that ‘any man’ is better than ‘no man at all’. Am I alone, I often wonder, in my not defining my identity from whether I have a man in my life or not? And it seems I am swimming up-stream on that one! I can’t count the number of times that men (well-meaning or otherwise) have looked at me and said they can’t believe that some man hasn’t “snapped me up by now” (I am 45, attractive, intelligent, no children, never been married because I’ve never met someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and just have a ring on my finger for the sake of it). Like I am some ripe fruit just waiting to be plucked …..
      Also, whilst on the bandwaggon, I have to say that I wince whenever I hear a woman say she has been “planning her wedding since she was a child”. Eugh. Naive childish fantasy aside, that just smacks of plotting and scheming and making the man fit with the ideal.
      Not my way at all.
      Sorry to offend anyone.
      Plankton, I LOVE your blogs. Keep them coming.

    • T Lover says:


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