Circus Man

August 14, 2011 § 17 Comments

The reason I said yesterday that Long Shot was bound by now to be with a blonde in tight white jeans up to her nostrils was because of an experience I had a year ago with another man which has left me in a place where I rather have it in for blondes in tight white jeans up to their nostrils, as they never seem to be planktons.  I can never seem to be one of them.  My hair is not dark (I am not strictly blond) but I just can’t seem to be able to do the white jeans thing.

I met him at a party in London last July.  Very good-looking, dark, smooth, international type.  Just divorced.  He was the one available man at a party of, I dunno, 500 people.  I met him purely by chance when I went up to the host to say hello and he introduced us.  The man and I instantly started talking.  All those around us melted away and we had a great chat; comparing notes about divorce, mainly.  We stood under a pear tree and laughed a lot.  The funny thing about divorce is that it is one of those seminal experiences in life.  If you haven’t been through it, you cannot begin to imagine what it is like.  I thought I did.  My family seem to have had as many divorces as most people have takeaways.  But to go through it myself was a whole new kettle of fish.  Taught me more in a couple of years than I’d learned in a life time.  So it is, when you meet someone who is going through it at the same time as you, you have a lot to discuss.  The rawness and honesty of strangers in the same circumstances – male and female – has been affecting, and this man under the pear tree was no exception.  We talked animatedly and I liked him.  He was intense but I enjoyed the fact that I was so easily able to make him laugh.  I got the impression he wasn’t used to a woman who says it like it is, or at least if he was, then wasn’t used to one who does so with humour.

It became apparent that though he had only divorced a few months before the party, he had fucked a fair few women since the decree absolute.  He held his hand up to me and said that, even so, he was going to keep his wedding ring on for ever because it represented twenty years of his life.  He was clearly still kind of in love with his wife but also on the pull, thrashing around for alternatives in the vacuum.  I knew he could hardly be considered to be a safe bet: rich family, ex-City-type, now running a big show in exotic countries.  I could hardly compete with the youthful Eastern European gypsy trapeze artists he presumably gets to know and the taut contortions they presumably go in for in bed as well as on a parrot swing 100 feet up in a voluminous tent, and I wasn’t going to try.  Still, when he asked for my number and said he’d like to see me again, I thought, hey, why not?  See what happens.

The very next morning I got a wildly enhtusiastic text from him saying how he had loved meeting me at the party and that he wanted to see me again very soon.  I texted back a “Sure, OK, that’d be nice”- type response, neither too enthusiastic nor too chilly. Striking just the right tone, I imagined.

Hey and what do you know?  Resounding fucking blank ever since.

Until, that is, a few weeks ago, same party, given by the same generous friends, exactly a year later.  Who should I see but this man, only this time no longer available but with a lofty blonde draped all over him signalling for all the world that if anyone came within a mile radius of him, with intentions, she would personally see to their demise.  Her jeans wrapped round her linguine-languid legs were so tight I wondered that her eyes were not bulging out, but I only ever did see her back view so cannot report for sure.  She was so ridiculously unlike a real person that my normal, human-race friend Sophie stood beside her (though the woman still had her back to us so didn’t see this was happening) and asked another friend of ours to take a photograph.  One for the record, so like an Avatar creature did this woman  appear, only not on the face of it all that blue.  I would have defied anyone not to giggle.  We were quite drunk and, OK, a bit juvenile, and I admit we did giggle a bit.  I mean, you have to laugh.

There was a moment when I thought I might go up to him and say, Hi, remember me?  I am rather more squat than your new uptight friend but I bet your bottom dollar I made you laugh more in the half hour we chatted than she’s made you laugh in a year. 

But you know what, she had it over me in the legs department and I didn’t want to sound like an arse.  So purely in the spirit of self-preservation, I passed.

§ 17 Responses to Circus Man


    Well a few things come to mind here:

    The tart in white jeans all the way up to her bony arse is obviously fucking his brains out so he clearly still does his thinking with his dick.

    I wonder would tart in white jeans be so keen if he were not so well off.

    Why would you be interested in a mature man who still lets his dick do his thinking and if he has fucked so many women there is a sporting chance he has a dose of something by now.

    You were still intrigued enough to give him your number despite the fact he was fucking lots of women so the rogue element is still an attraction for a woman-even a mature lady such as yourself who is says she is looking for Mr Lovely.

    A year later there is sour grapes that he did not call you. I too have sour grapes that several women did not call me back or let things slide after a few dates. Thing is I am bloody good enough and so are you so don’t demean yourself by dwelling on Circus Man-sounds like he was a bit of a clown anyway!

  • quackers69 says:

    Hmmmmm. A bit gutting.

    The thing is, even before getting to the last paragraph he sounded like a total arsehole to me. Still wears his wedding ring while dating/fucking new women??? Really? Yuk! I have to question the judgement of said new women. What’s wrong with them? Is their self esteem so low that they think it’s OK to be fucked by someone who has so unapologetically laid out their insensitive, piss-taking ‘stall’? Or hopefully, are they of the genuine frame of mind that they just want a good no strings shag and couldn’t care less where his feelings lie? Judging by your description he sounds like one of those ‘uber’ types – “Very good-looking, dark, smooth, international type” that will always be unobtainable to mere humans. I wasn’t remotely surprised to hear that he turned up the following summer with a ‘trophy’. And that story about the wedding ring is just the biggest load of crap – it’s probably just a tidy way to keep ‘lessers’ at bay until such (an unlikely) time as he may want to pluck them out of the pool and elevate them to girlfriend status.

    Annoying but…… life.

    However…………it’s not a hanging offense to date someone ‘fit’ – she may well be lovely. You should have talked to her and got the measure of her. You’re intuitive and intelligent and i’m sure you would have got her right. Chances are she probably would have been lacking and you would have been able to really put the boot in without recrimination that you were being bitter and/or unfair because unfortunately, in this instance, you do sound it, and being a huge fan, I don’t like it. I don’t want you to sound like that.

    He obviously knows how to be polite though and was intelligent enough to be able to hold your attention which was obviously enough for you to feel good about your conversation. It’s a deadly combination though – arseholes with manners. He sounds like a head-fuck. Not for you Plankton – don’t waste another minute of head space pondering it. Your gorgeous, lovely, decent, kind, intelligent man is out there – don’t keep him waiting wasting your time and thoughts on a non-starter.

  • june says:

    This definitely made me smile plankton.

    I am not a blonde, was a brunette, now dark red, think the rather unfortunate name for it is menopausal red! However i have to confess, though the fashion police would probably arrest me for this as i am probably considered far too old,i do own a pair of white jeans, tight ones at that, as i am a tiny size 6, but a 5ft nothing, these ones are actually and i kid you not, a 9 year olds pair from Zara!

    Unfortunately i have to say on the two occasions i have worn them this summer, our summers seem to have no real opportunity to wear white jeans, no men have been driven wild by them, in fact after they survived rather an unfortunate incident involving sangria, after a night in a friends hot tub, i have rather gone off them. So i guess the moral of this is possibly on a skinny, leggy blonde under 30, they could have the desired effect on the male of the specis, on us more mature beings they are a waste of time.

    • Miss J says:

      Completely off on a tangent here June, but how do you manage to be both menopausal and a size 6 at the same time?? This time last year I was a lithe size 10 and at 5’9 not in bad nick for a woman of my advancing years – fast forward to now when a 12 months of perimenopausal symptoms have me struggling to get into size 14 clothes!! I’m eating less than ever and yet my waistline continues to keep expanding.

      I had the white jeans too, and even if they didn’t make men go weak at the knees they at least made me feel good in them. I have the offending white jeans in my wardrobe in the vain hope that one day I might get into them again…but I fear they are mocking me along with all my other skinny clothes. I could buy them in a bigger size but I suspect they wont look nowhere near as good with a flesh coloured bumbag I’d doubtless be sporting as an accessory, and an arse that is beginning to look suspiciously like a bombay money lender!

      Sucks to be me right now!!

  • joules says:

    I have a pair (£5 on sale at the end of last summer – even have buttons to do them up – or down but so far I am the only one who has). I am nearly 6ft tall but they do not seem to have any effect on men for me either. I am brunette so maybe that and the approaching 50 mean that they won’t work for that purpose – but I still wear them anyway. Make me feel happy with myself that I can fit into them – something I would not have been able to do when I was still with the ex.

    • fi says:

      ComplEtely out of left field tonight a bloke I know said his mate LIKED ME IN MY WHITE JEANS!!!! So maybe they are working but you just don’t realise it?

  • E.A. Sjoberg, architect, Scandinavia says:

    Hi “Plankton”, do you know that when middleaged couples divorce in 3 out of 4 cases its the woman, who initiates the divorce?

  • peluchka says:

    I laughed out loud – particularly at the description of Eastern European gypsy trapeze artists – that’s who we are up against… great…. where were they whilst you were meeting under the pear tree? Clearly not swinging from it otherwise your number would never have made its way into his phone.

  • Rubycon says:

    White Jeans Lady may be attractive, but I hardly think she’s anyone to be envied. From the description of his mental and emotional state, especially the fact that he’s still wearing his wedding ring, she’s going to be someone to feel pity for after he uses her as a buffer from his failure and loneliness and then casually throws her away. He probably decided he didn’t want to get into another real relationship right after his divorce and would rather have casual fun with some arm candy. Headfuck is right; it’s only human to be attracted to these cosmopolitan charming types, but he probably spared you some serious heartache.

  • anniebub says:

    Dear Plankton,

    Gosh, this is awful. I can’t bear it that you keep missing the opportunity for further potential interest, and then find that the moment has passed. One thing I do know is that if a chap says to you enthusiastically, love to see you again, then you must nail him down. Eligible chaps have an issue with their diaries. They are always booked. You have to get into them. It is no good saying in a non-commital sort of way so as not to look too forward, “that would be lovely, some time in the future”. You should respond with, ” Great. Why don’t we go to the open air jazz night in the park next week. Let me know which day suits. It is on for three days only. So and so brilliant is playing. Will bring picnic.” You have to be specific. And take the initiative. I have noticed from several of your blogs that you do respond positively to signs of interest but these are NEVER followed up by the chap. I think it is because you need to make the next move. It will be a relief to him. Then, at least, you will have the opportunity to discover if he is just a lazy swine, or lacks courage, or is genuinely too busy. Just so awful you lost out to the white jeans with legs. Also, I talked to my mother-in-law about you. She was widowed at 45, and thirty years later remains un-remarried. I don’t want to depress you. She was from a different generation, but still rings bells, being of the “nicely brought up sort of person” you say you are. In the months and years after her bereavement, she took a typing course, which appalled her sons, in case she needed to earn her living, went to gardening classes, thought about a choir but realised (like you) that she couldn’t sing, and even contemplated a dating agency, but never had the courage. She ended up having a long standing love affair with an old family friend, until he died, which was all very sad, but at least gave her some comfort. I am just telling you this because she took the path of not putting herself forward too much, and not having too many “interests” that she cared at all about. She knew the many occasions that you have described, of being the single woman who, in her case, was not even invited many places by her friends, and feeling like a pariah. In latter years she has become queen of the bridge table, (not that I am recommending this to you, as it would be death to me as an idea), but to reassure you that she is not a sad lonely person now. Another idea someone suggested to me, which is a bit radical, was to cultivate some gay friends. Because they go out and know how to have fun. And they are safe, and often have lovely heterosexual friends, and have money to spend on opera and theatre and other delights, where they take parties of interesting people. Just a thought. I had a lovely gay boyfriend in my teenage years who was my dearest friend. He loved my company, made me laugh till I cried, adored helping me get ready for parties, danced until he dropped and made sure I got home safely. He also, always knew the most interesting, exciting people to introduce me to. Sadly, he died from AIDS in his early thirties. Another worry I have for you. Maybe, just maybe, you need to think about moving area. You describe your suburban life desparingly. There are parts of the country, particularly on the far south east coast where there are pockets of arty, hippy happily aging individuals buying up swathes of the shoreline. Just a thought. I think of you as a sort of 21st century literary heroine. A sort of Jane Eyre for our times. Cast out from society through circumstances beyond your contrrol, and thrown back on your own resources to find fulfillment, with the occasional Mr. Rochester lurking on the far horizon. I would like to put you into a novel, but feel you are writing it yourself. I hope too, for that happy ending: “Reader, I married him”.

  • valpaparazzi says:

    June…redhead, size 6, 5ft nothing….I think I’m in love!

    But there again…

    Joules…brunette, nearly six foot, not yet 50, tight white jeans…I think I’m in love!

    We really are two-faced bastards us men, aren’t we!

  • Sarah Hague says:

    The white-jeaned chick might have got the clown, but she’s also unfortunately for her, the rebound relationship.

    CircusMan is following the schedule – divorce, wild shagging, rebound relationship. When he’s done, he’ll throw her over and look for someone more suitable.

    So if you get a call in a few month’s time, you’ll know why.

  • fi says:

    Its unfortunate and predictable that she would be young and blonde, but maybe she’s really nice. Or maybe he’s just taking opportunities that are presented now after 20 years of marriage and having fun. Which one of hasn’t had a male friend at some point that we really liked but just didn’t fancy? It happens. Maybe he didn’t call because he knew that although he liked you it definitely wouldn’t go anywhere so he decided not to waste your time?

  • kidrock says:

    I just loved the way you dismissed the blondie in question without even getting to know a single thing about her – very mature of you indeed.

    How would you like it if someone judged you before getting to know you better?

  • Joost says:

    Without assuming or trying to lay more meaning on a situation than we tend to do, I read this;

    Author meets nice man. Man seems interested but does not follow up. Man is met a year later and has the kind of woman the author thinks he is able to get. Author is apparently not that type.

    Yes, younger women are prettier and better for sex. Yes, older women might be more mature and easygoing, but that’s about as attractive to a man as nice guys who are stable and dependable to a woman who has options.

    Either the options dwindle and you’ll become interesting, or he has to consciously decide he wants to have what you offer. But instinctively, we are attractived to physically attractive and sexy women, just as you are attracted to this interesting and apparently very attractive man.

    • Jane says:

      I’ve just seen this…Younger women are prettier and better for sex….what complete and utter bollocks. You can’t make sweeping statements like that, some may be, but equally there are plenty of older women out there who are way more gorgeous than their younger counterparts. As for the sex thing….don’t even get me started, sexual appetite doesn’t have a whole lot to do with age, in spite of what the medical experts would have you belive about hormones et al if you like sex then you like sex, age don’t have a whole lot to do with it in my experience.

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