Impossible Cad

August 31, 2011 § 16 Comments

I didn’t sleep with the kidnap negotiator.

Big gathering this weekend.  All my female relations told me how good-looking he was and how charming and what was my problem.  I couldn’t explain except to say there wasn’t the spark, for me; I am sorry.  You can’t manufacture these things, much as you might like to.

Then all my female relations spoke to him and the on dit was with me.  They agreed, as they might in a witches’ coven, that, yikes, it was true, he did just rather lack a certain sex appeal; hard to explain but they could see what I meant.  One of my closest female relations (not my mother; my generation) believes you have to meet a man three times before you write him off.  Wise woman.  She hadn’t been sure that she fancied her new boyfriend when she first met him and now he makes her stomach go flip and he is fast becoming the best relationship she has ever had.  These things don’t always start with a coup, and I know she is right about this.

I have now met the lovely KN four times and still my stomach doesn’t go flip.  Why the fuck not?  But I can’t force it.

Shameful admission: it did go a little bit flip instead for a brilliant cad and bounder who I have known and loved all my life and who is hilarious and impossible and sexy though aging and balding and has every habit going and is wonderful and hopeless and not to be touched with a barge-pole, and might have made a pass at me (I couldn’t quite tell; perhaps I dreamed it that night?), but anyway should be avoided at all costs.  He is the very last thing a plankton needs.

I am back.  I am home.  I am with you again, and fully intending to focus on work, and in idle moments on Smidgen and/or Long Shot.

School starts in a few days and I am full of (sensible) hope of which Impossible Cad is not a part.

Or if he is, may you lovely loyal hitters all rap me on the knuckles simultaneously.

Thank you.

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§ 16 Responses to Impossible Cad

  • John says:

    You really are one very picky lady…..Hey it is only a roll in the hay. Nothing serious….. 🙂

  • SARTM says:

    missed you babe

  • EmGee says:

    Glad you are back, I know what you mean about that spark. If nothing else, I hope the men reading this blog get a clue about what motivates their female counterparts (I am looking at you John). What ‘sparks’ us varies from woman to woman, and a guy either has it or he doesn’t. No amount of looks or charm or other positive attributes will over-ride that, it isn’t a question of being picky, it’s a question of getting picked.

    • Richard Addison says:

      Are you saying that you are picky if you do not get picked?This is a conundrum surely!
      I don’t think it’s about getting picked at all, I think you make it sound as if we are plums. I think instead it’s about why are you here, what is it that is important to you and what makes it worth your while?
      I for one feel like a Phoenix. I shall rise again.
      It’s a negotiation and a fulfillment of agreed requisitions, terms and conditions. That’s what makes everything work, it’s worth while.
      This is not a joke: What is the last thing a Plankton needs and why?

  • Sarah says:

    Yes, just because he is male, single and standing up doesn’t mean to say his pheromones will appeal to any female within sniffing distance. It’s got a lot to do with the twinkle in his eye too.

  • stormwind says:

    I think you now have to give up the title “plankton” or redefine it. You are definitely not at the bottom of the sexual food chain if you are turning down KN and Bounder all in one post! You’re not at the bottom of anything – you’re just finding it a little lonely in the tower while you wait for the right frog to jump over the wall!

  • John says:

    OK EmGee I thought I would get a reaction……….In all seriousness there has to be that “spark” which we mere males seek as well. Sexy bodies don’t necessarily make great lovers. There has to be “that something else”.
    Plankton it is lovely to have you back. We have missed you.
    J

  • june says:

    We have missed you.

    I have seen One Day twice, nor sure if its a good film for a plankton to see, but heyho i enjoyed it, wept of course, Saw it first time as my friend was seeing with her partner, they had a row,he wouldnt go, so she turned up on my doorstep asking me to go with her, i couldnt say i had arranged already to see it bank holiday monday with my old scboolfriend who was taking train journey to see me, i knew first friend
    would find it sad as shes had very traumatic and emotional time herself past year so couldnt let her go alone. we planktons need our mates.

    You have few irons in fire plankton, but know what you mean bout spark, i agree you need it, i have been chatting to chap on plenty fish, and we seem to be gettingon well, its uncanny his family originate from my old home village, hes never lived there, that would put me off. hes an only child and since his dovorce hes moved back to city as likes it.and hes younger than me, quite a bit, but says no problem as i look so young! what can go wrong, well something knowing my usual luck with men, but most hopeful so far,

    ,

  • Lydia says:

    Why not just mess around with the bounder for a bit. If you were having fun with him pro tem you might then feel sexier and better about yourself which in itself might make you find someone else?

    Very few people sit down at 80 and think I wish I had avoided these 10 relationship. They are much more likely to Betjeman who when he was old said his biggest regret was not having more sex in his life.

    If there’s no spark with someone though never do it. It will never work. you can stll see them a few times just in case things change but whenever I’ve tried that it never does change. some people say it does. There are masses of arranged marriages worldwide where there may be no spark to start but they grow to love each other. It’s a bit of a risky thing to try. Also if you go to bed with someone you don’t find attractive it will never feel right.

    • MissM says:

      That is certainly a different viewpoint to mine. I most certainly wish I had not had a couple of relationships that brought me vastly more quantities of pain than they did pleasure. They would definitely be on a list of things to avoid if I could live my life over, although I am not one to dwell on the past as that is over and gone.

      I can’t do sex as something separate from a relationship though, so maybe that is my problem. That is something men are rather better at than women. I recently read this may be due to women’s bodies producing oxytocin during sex which helps with empathy and trust and is known as a bonding hormone. Whereas men simply get a rush of dopamine which makes them happy, but also happy to just walk away afterwards. So possibly there is a biological reason and not mere social attitudes to the differing reactions.

      Glad to have Plankton back, though I agree with Stormwind, the title no longer seems altogether fitting. If a “plankton” has this much success I guess I must be a rock for failing to make the sexual food chain at all.

      • Lydia says:

        Depends what you mean by relationship. You can have a relationship and be close to someone without its necessarily leading to marriage. I don’t do one off casual sex either. It sounded like she knew him and liked him and it could be a relationship even if his deficiencies were likely to mean it wouldn’t go anywhere./

        Some people just get kind of atrophied./ They forget what it’s like to put on high heels and feel good and be taken out by a man. Doing that for a bit with someone you like and are attracted to probab ly wouldn ‘t do any harm.

        I also think it’s much much better to be hurt (to l ove and lose) than never to be hurt. Some people conversely wrap themselves up because they’ve been hurt to much in the past so that they never again risk suffering that pain. That’s a shame. Being brave enough to risk vulnerability and hurt (which equally applies to men as women) is often a risk worth taking.

        There are male/female differences but they are exaggerated. Most men do want a close loving relationship with a woman. Plenty of them (and women) could have someone different every other night (it’s not hard) but they don’t want that. any more than women do.

  • Maria says:

    Yes you really should come clean and admit that you are probably doing research for the next how to find the love of your life ?
    Bet you have a lovely man or two and if not pl can you post your cast off’s email addresses

  • TillyVon Trap says:

    Missed you soooo much – glad you are back and keeping the flag flying for planktons everywhere!

  • Richard Addison says:

    Isn’t it all really, just about happiness? Does this or that make you happy?
    I think Stormwind is right: “You’re not at the bottom of anything – you’re just finding it a little lonely in the tower while you wait for the right frog to jump over the wall!”
    Sorry, Plankton, I still think you are a man! I think you are interested in good stories and know no better way to get them. About this I would agree with you. There is no better way that through the Word press or The Times or the Sunday Times or a good book or something well recommended!
    Good luck, keep up your work

  • AJ says:

    Now Plankton, I’m coming over all schoolmarmish because you really need a bit of a repremand.. I’ll explain – this is your second holiday in the space of a month or so (lovely), you obviously have a very large family and enjoy each others company (lucky you) which equals built in baby sitters (even better) AND… you had four, yes FOUR dates with someone who sounds lovely and good looking to boot (cor blimey) so you see, it’s nothing to be woeful about – your glass is not half empty, it’s three quarters flippin full.

    You make this cad and bounder (such old fashioned words) seem like a proper twat – a much better description for him. Hate to think what habits you refer to – does he put his hand in his pocket, rearrange his balls and then offer to shake your hand (I used to work with some who did that ALL the time – I had a wicked thought that whoever his “handshake” victim was, they ought to take his wrist, turn around, place his hand on their arse and fart). I digress, back to you.

    My advice? Read the book “Attached” by Dr. Amir Levine, I reckon KN is a “Secure” man (which is why you don’t feel a spark) and if he is, he’s your pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. And if you really still don’t like him, do the decent thing and send him my way!

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