Bomb of Inspiration

September 3, 2011 § 16 Comments

A couple of nights ago I went to supper with friends and was obviously on a bit of a high because one of them said, can I have some of whatever it is you’re on?

Well, I am not “on” anything, except the odd latte.  Optimism, I suppose, about various twinkles, and especially since yesterday early evening when inspiration struck me with the force of a bomb up my arse.

A member of my family, not what I call an immediate, but pretty darn close, is one of those wonderful people in life who has imagination and empathy.  A lot of people have these qualities but Janey is also pro-active.  These three ingredients combined – which is unusual under one roof, if you get my meaning – render her the adorable and indefatigable exception to my belief that nobody can be arsed to match-make for their plankton friends because they are far too wound up with the wearisome business of their own I’m-all-right-Jack-ness.

Janey is the soul and astonishing beacon amongst (non-existent) match-makers.  Boy, do I have stories to tell about her on this score – and will, another day – but just to say, at this point, that she is in a league of her own.  Generous parties, she gives, with more available men than any one person has a right to know or, indeed, has known in the history of the world.  (I still believe that there are no men, but Janey is fighting a lone battle to try to cure me of this affliction).  Merry machinations she goes in for, always of a very sophisticated, generous, efficient – and efficacious – kind.  (I’ve lost count of the happy-ever-after partnerships that she has orchestrated; she should go into business).  Some people may think a married woman who is trying to get others together is a fuck-off busy-body, bossy, interfering type, and they sneer peevishly and write her off.  Janey is not a busy-body, bossy or interfering, just thoughtful.  Yes, she is happily married to a dreamboat and they have a team of well-adjusted, charming, brilliant children, but she is not someone about whom to grunt and snarl and to generally resent.  Quite the opposite.  She is one of my standard-bearers and I love her for many reasons but not least because she is so keen to find the ultimate twinkle for me, and is so pro-active about it.

And she knows Long Shot!  That was the bomb which detonated at 16.48 (or thereabouts) yesterday afternoon!  More than knows him!  Is related to him even more than I am!  What had I been ON these past few weeks not to have thought of that? Derrrrrrr!

At 16.49 yesterday afternoon (or thereabouts), I put in the call.

We talked for almost an hour.  I said my mother and another significant parent had met him and raved, and I had read his book and foolishly fallen in love with him.  Janey told me a lot about him and suggested where there may be some drawbacks.  Maverick was a word that sprang to her mind.  I don’t have a problem with that; I love Maverick.  She hadn’t thought of the LS/Plankton combo before, but, hey, why not?  I told her that an immediate of mine – one of my closest female relations (cf. Impossible Cad) – had met her new boyfriend in a bar and once the relationship was up and running and really going somewhere, had asked her friends why they had never thought to introduce them.  Turned out they had thought about it for about a minute and rejected the idea.  Hadn’t thought she or he would be remotely suited or interested in one another, but how wrong they were!  When Janey said that she had not thought of LS and myself, I said that in my position I couldn’t afford to leave any stone unturned.  And, while he and I may possibly not seem compatible in some ways on paper, as it were, I had a notion he and I could actually be the very thing. On reflection, Janey agreed.  Perhaps it was a case of LS being under her nose (cf. Under My Nose), not for her (obviously) but for me?  Then most of the conversation was taken up with a discussion as how best to broach him, and what best to suggest to him and whether to mention my name into the equation.

Supper at her gaffe was mooted, with her, her husband, my best male friend (who knows him; cf. yesterday’s post) his wife; LS and me.  Not another plankton in sight, I begged, let alone a pre-plankton (single woman under 35).  No competition.  I’m crap at that (because I think most women are more attractive than me – even if it’s not always true – so give up.  And let’s not beat about the bush, fling my name in, why not, and if he replies saying he’d rather emigrate to the bottom of the fucking ocean than spend an evening with a divorced, middle-aged woman with desperation issues, a certain stench, and a slack cunt on botched legs (not that that is how I really think of myself, before any of you concerned commentators wade in with urgent advice to me to fix my self-esteem!) – well, then maybe he is not the man for me.  He may not be anyway, but if he’d just give it a go…?  Join us at Janey’s for supper?

“I will send him an email the minute I put down the phone,” she said.

Just minutes later she forwarded to me the most brilliantly-worded email possible that she had, true to her word (rare), sent to him, casually asking if he was around sometime for supper, and with a passing reference to thinking of also asking me, a (distant) family member whom he had never met.

We await his reply.

That’s if he hasn’t already dived to the bottom of the ocean, at the very notion.

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§ 16 Responses to Bomb of Inspiration

  • Lydia says:

    Good luck,. Leave no stone unturned. In fact if plankton are at the bottom of the sea the stone turning should be even easier. I wouldn’t though put so many eggs nito this basket. I would be more relaxed and see a lot more men and most you meet it won’t work with rather than anticipating this will be the very one….unless we think you can put yourself in a “this will work” mind set, that most of us ciould probably work with anyone, that plenty of us only married that particular person originally because both he and I were in marriage mode mindset at that very time and it coincided and because there are very many, not just one, people for all of us. I would still even then keep it cool.

    I have as few good male friends who are always being invited to dinner parties by married friends at which there will be a suitable single woman. Often she isn’t (I only hear their side of the story). I had lunch with one this week. I don’t know why he didn’t progress things with her. She seemed a bit too young and too much talk about whether she should have breast surgery to enlarge them. I don’t think most people resent others matchmaking but you sometimes you just think how could they possibly imagine we might be compatible.

    I wonder how the pheremones will work though if you’re related to him? Most cultures have people marrying someone from another village or like Genghis Khan men go forth and impregnant 100 foreign women and thuse do our genes remain strong and varied. Those who depart from that principle – 25% of disabled chidlren near Leeds come from the 3% pakistani families who marry almost as a matter of course their first cousin, not to speak of the European artistocracy who ensured haemophilia and sundry other genetic defects , never mind strange facial features, reigned supreme…. May be this is too distant for my pheremone theory to apply.

    (And keep up daily kegel exercises; never underestimate the importance of breasts, sex and food in dating)

  • I love your column more each day and if it were not for the fact that you have some Ankle/Knee/Hip/ Shoulder biters in tow I would gladly ask to be introduced.
    Sadly, as it is, I have “done ” children and could not stand them again.

    But I still enjoy your missives enormously.

    Geoffrey

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you very much for this. I am rarely able to reply directly to people who make comments which saddens me, but there are so many, it’d be a full-time job (it’s almost a full-time job blogging every day in itself!), but occasionally, if someone writes something particularly nice, as you have today, I do like to say thank you. Thank you very much, and please do keep commenting. Comments are what maketh this blog. Very best, Plankton

      • Lydia says:

        It’s not often a man or woman is open enough to saying they cannot stand to be with children again. Although if I were unusually putting on a pessmistic h at 60% of second marriages with children fail so there is nothing better you can do than ensure your next spouse has no children or none under about 21.

        As well as b eing a repository for married men who want to discuss their adultery I seem to get the ones I let get away who then remarried going on about the new step children too. It’s hard to find someone you can talk to to say how much you don’t want your new wife’s children around who will be nice about it and I suppose I am although if I loved a man I would also love all parts of him and the fact he has small children would not put me off despite the statistics. In fact I even like men who spend several days a week caring one to one for grandchidlren. It’s that capacity to love and related to children in a man which is pretty appealing to women and luckily a lot of men say one of the things they love about me is my relationships with and how I relate to my children.

  • How very kind of you to take the time to write back to me – I am flattered that you have picked me out!
    I really do wish you luck in your search ( I think I need some myself as I am not enjoying widowerhood a lot to say the least) In fact it is not much better for us widowers; most of the ladies I have met put “travelling” at the top of their priority list – presumably at my expense – but I have “Done” travelling as well as children. Keep up the good work on the Blogs.
    Kind regards,

    Geoffrey

    • Lydia says:

      Ah travelling – there’s another one. Someone last week emailed, we had been about to speak although I doubt he was realy right anyway and he said he planned to do a lot of travelling. I said why would you want someone who works full time very successfully with young children at home. Go forth and find an unemployed childless woman and she will have the capacity and desire to travel with you.

      • Bambi says:

        Lydia,perhaps your Email Man plans on travelling solo – and returning home (to you? Well, not now, obviously), full of interesting and entertaining tales of his travels. These travels could allow you the opportunity to have one-to-one/two/three/etc) time with your child(ren) and then luxuriate in an amorous/passionate reunion with the returning wanderer…followed by his amusing/dramatic/wonderful stories….

        As an “unemployed” (currently), “childless” (permanently) woman (do I detect a note of criticism in the descriptions!), I plan on continuing to travel, solo or with a companion, as circumstances and wishes allow. The expenses of such travels have always been and will continue to be funded by me (Geoffrey, please note!) so, if I cannot afford to pay for myself, it won’t happen.

        I think many people say that they like to travel – it has become almost a cliché – as they think it makes them appear more interesting and less insular. I wouldn’t take it too seriously, really. And I certainly would neither dismiss (nor be attracted to) someone on the basis of an expression of interest in travel. Many people possibly don’t actually ever get to do it and would probably be prepared to compromise on the matter anyway for the sake of a happy, fulfilling, enduring relationship.

  • Sarah says:

    Janey sounds a treasure. You are indeed blessed. I’ve got my fingers crossed.

    • MissM says:

      A treasure indeed. I wish I had someone who wished to play matchmaker with me. It is not meddling, it is giving some hope where there might otherwise be none. Unfortunately my friends are also plankton like me, and the one married friend I have doesn’t know any single men either.

      I have no doubt however that even if Long Shot turns out upon meeting to be a Complete Failure, that our Plankton will find a proper Twinkle of her own somewhere. If Long Shot turns out to be The One though, I am going to miss this blog very much indeed.

      • The Plankton says:

        Miss M, thank you so much for your lovely, kind – and hopeful words – but don’t worry. I ain’t goin’ nowhere fast, if at all! The blog lives, and with my luck most probably till I am in my lonely dotage when I shall have long given up hoping for Long Shot… All Best Wishes, Plankton

  • Redbookish says:

    Oh best of British, Ms Plankton. You go girl.

    And I know exactly what you mean about shrinking away from competition. I do that too. One of my sisters is the sort of woman who just *has* to have any man in the room at her finger tips, so I learnt from the age of 16 that I was not a runner in that sort of competition. I cede the field immediately.

  • Josephine says:

    Hi, regarding travel, Im a widow I love to travel with my girlfriends, or on my own most men I meet cant afford it, to busy paying for there kids, & supporting there ex-wives, I dont mind paying my share, but hell no I aint paying for a man, can afford to, but not that desperate for company, would never consider a man with teenage children, known friends that have, & they regret it, never said anything until after they married these guys.

    • Lydia says:

      We’re all different. I think as I usually pay for 6 of us travelling I don’t particularly wanrt to add a 7th dependent but I’ve never lived on male earnings and never will. I actually prefer men with children (unless they never see them) even though it complicates things. I understand them more and they will understand my life more too. It just shows there is someone for everyone.

  • Bambi says:

    Plankton, if Janey’s efforts fail, you might like to give this a try…. http://www.clare.ie/events/view/festivals-109/lisdoonvarna_matchmaking_festival-9.html

    Go on, do! 🙂

  • plumgrape says:

    “but if he’d just give it a go…?” Why does it have to be him? Why can’t it be you? Because you are picky? Honestly there is really something in pro-active. This is about what is worth your while and what’s it worth, nothing more and nothing less. What is it worth for you to come to Hong kong? Too busy?

    • Bambi says:

      I’ll be passing through Hong Kong airport next month….. Should I be looking out for Available Men/ Mr Right/ Adonis or similar…?!

      Btw, where has Stormwind gone? Come back, please…

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