Sighting of Smidgen
September 10, 2011 § 20 Comments
I saw and spoke to Smidgen yesterday, in a foyer; other people about. He was friendly and to all intents and purposes we had a merry chat, but I detected just beneath the surface of the conversation an amoeba of awkwardness. I think. And the doubts set in. I thought, what am I doing, exactly, spinning about a man who may or may not be interested, really, it’s hard to tell, and in all honesty I am erring on the side of thinking he’s not, and I wonder now, even, if I am? There was that invitation to stay in the summer, which was promising, then curious silence, and not much back-up since. A fellow plankton told me yesterday to give up all ideas of any man who doesn’t show evident interest otherwise one is just on a hiding to nowhere. She’s right.
The reason, I believe, that a plankton derives so much thought and hope from so little, and can so readily fool herself into conjuring up significance from the entirely insignificant, is precisely because there is almost nothing. No men. My original premise indeed. And her urgent longing for that not to be the case. I went to a party last night of, what, perhaps 150 people. Lovely party. Nice people. Delicious things to eat. Lively, friendly atmosphere. Not one available man, not that I was aware of anyway, and I knew most of the people there. I had an agreeable enough time, I guess, if that doesn’t sound spoilt, but it is a little disappointing. I hesitate to whinge, but you get out there, you make the effort and, still, nothing. I saw a friend there who said our mutual friend the ball-breaker, who was dumped last week, was feeling really low and taking it hard. He had got her where it really hurt and she is very upset. Presumably feeling humiliated into the bargain. Having been a bitch a few days back about her, I am now full of remorse and empathy. She may have misjudged things, allowed hope to run away with her, but there are reasons. There was a plankton context and I so get it.
Thus today I feel oddly flat. A friend who is very different from me but in the same boat has been burnt; can so easily see how that can happen. There but for the grace of God – so far – go I. A big party given by warm and generous and hospitable married people reaps little but a few light chats to other married people and a dark drive home alone. Again. Smidgen is receding. Longer Shot remains an absurdity despite yesterday’s email. Not a single other twinkle let alone a real prospect.
I am rarely down, and not even really down now, just a bit blue. But I am seeing a couple of my oldest best friends this evening. I have a very exciting day tomorrow, nothing to do with smidgens or shots or any kind of man at all, but a little triumph for one of my children. I have a week ahead of me of work that I have been gagging to do and can seriously tackle now the school term has started; and a happy night out planned next Friday. I am a few pounds down as opposed to up on the scales, which is always somewhat pleasing, even if it shouldn’t matter any more at my age especially when I wasn’t ever really fat in the first place.
The cup doesn’t exactly overfloweth, but in the face of a certain Nothingness re men, I am still just about managing to rachet up blessings that are entirely unrelated.