The Dubious but Irresistible Loveliness of Anticipation

September 24, 2011 § 26 Comments

Date with Poppy Seed yesterday.

If you don’t fancy someone, there is nothing you can do about it.

I think he is nice.  We had good chats.  But I don’t fancy him.  Stomach did not go flip.  It could.  I am sorry but yesterday it didn’t.  I have to admit, and this is extremely poor form on my part, I am grappling with the age difference.

Friends are furious with me, saying don’t rule him out.  In My Criteria, an early post, I think I forgot to say that fancying the person should be a prerequisite and not a bonus.  But, maybe, as a plankton, beggars and all that, that is too much to ask?

I am not ruling PS out but I am meeting Longer Shot this weekend and foolishly anticipating that my stomach is going to go in for a series of Olymipic-style somersaults.

Of course I am setting myself up for the cold-turkey of disappointment, but it has got to be worth it  for the dodgy but lovely high I am feeling now, of anticipation.

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§ 26 Responses to The Dubious but Irresistible Loveliness of Anticipation

  • Mezzanine says:

    Hi Ms P

    I totally agree. If there is no intital spark then it’s difficult to foresee it going anywhere in the future, but not ruling PS out is good forward thinking. As for LS, well, I remember that feeling of anticipation too. It hasn’t happened for a while but I remember…

    Age differences do make it difficult and that goes for men who seek younger flesh. I remember going on a date with a man who is quite a bit older than me. The anticipation of meeting up with him sent me into a frenzy. New outfit bought; make up perfectly applied. I scrubbed up quite well. I got to agreed meeting place and things seemed to be going well until he said “can I be honest with you?”, to which I said of course he could. He then told me he didn’t like dating women of his own age but preferred younger women. Exit date. Month later I had an email from him wanting to see me again as he really enjoyed meeting up with me! Really? I couldn’t tell! I diplomatically told him to bugger off. Apart from him having a liking for younger women, we had no real common bond because of the age difference.

    Sparks make a difference, they can start raging fires.

    Another blog that hits the spot. Thanks

  • John, a gentle man. says:

    Perhaps you ladies, divorced and of ‘a certain age’ should set up a goal post moving web site. lol. But yes Plankton you are correct, the man of your dreams may turn out to be be poor as a church mouse, or pot ugly. If he floats your boat, then you will walk on hot coals to get him.
    Keep looking. Lots of un-kissed frogs out there yet.

  • june says:

    I agree so with what you say, was same with me and man from plenty fish, i felt no oompth at all,nothing and im sure he didnt either,i had high hopes as online there did seem something but in the flesh, nothing, as said would have met again but more in anticipation than hope, but have heard nothing so guess he feels no point.

    As i sit here on a saturday with nothing planned, well i mustnt be greedy iv e had two good saturday nights out, i think god is this how its going to be. i actually had an invitation from that social group i belong to,some are going to an 80s night, but i dont know them that well and the idea of going with a load of other planktons to that kind of thing doesent appeal,with my close friends yes, enjoy, have great time, but thats it ,i dont need anymore female friends, iv enough,they are ones i know, i am relaxed with comfortable with, and as all have partners they have no desperation, I just need that special someone. O yes there are men who belong to this social group but they seem to consist of younger ones who wont look at anyone over 55,and work their way through the younger women, or others so totally boring and unattractive no-one would fancy them! . What does one do?.

  • plumgrape says:

    Interesting. You dont rule out PS, but you have a “lovely high I am feeling now, of anticipation”! How does this fit in with being true? Or do you chop and change your mind as the wind takes you and you feel arguing any corner or semantic as it suits you, then not lambast men for feeling equally unconvinced?
    I find the expectations or wishes of most women, set against what they argue or give reprehensibly abysmal. I have met an open reliable and true woman or two, but they are a most scarce commodity, most I find only too ready to criticize, ready to hate or dump men at the drop of a hat when they know nothing or little about them and are hardly daring enough to make the effort to find out anything about the “real person” who may be behind the “not be so blatant or obvious” as to read on the surface only like something from Mills & Boon.
    Give me Bronte and Wuthering Heights, Plankton not Consuming Passion written by Emma Frost. I want intelligence in the conversation after the night before not a proverbial non plankton dumb blonde bombshell, ready to mince about the kitchen with long red nails that need filing and bear no kitchen task in a tight red mini skirt with a 46D silhouette ooohing and aahing as if the scintillation of conversation is prophetic and vocabulary pheremonal!
    Dream on Puppy, Long Shot. Just don’t say who you are. Admit it, you are a man?! I say Plankton is a dialog about Othello’s Iago. Whisper in his ear, and ask yourself: if above all you cannot, Hamlet, not “to thine own self be true”?

  • EmGee says:

    Glad you didn’t write off poppyseed entirely, sometimes these things take time. I don’t recall your mentioning his age, but that can be a deciding factor. On the other hand, you may meet another his age, and feel that spark.

    We all have criteria for what we’d like in the perfect mate, and to be honest, some of mine are pretty shallow; regarding looks for instance, no some are not unreasonable; no sports fanatics please.

    I’m looking forward to hearing how things go w/ LS. Part of the anticipation is that you’ve had time build him up in your mind. I do hope he turns out to be “all that”!

  • Lydia says:

    Men have to find the woman attr active. There is nothing wrong with women needing to as well. I have had loads of first dates with them I haven’t then been attracted to and then I reject. It’s one of the most common reasons because before we meet I tend to have cleared all the other things that matter. Obviously if I had no choice of men and I had to have to keep me as I was on my uppers then I suppose someone might then just accept that man but if you don’t find them attractive it’s hopeless. Sometimes I’ve persisted but it rarely works. The last one suggested it might be because he was a bit younger and may be I liked older men. I didn’t have the heart to say I can smell your breath across the table and you need to lose 3 or 4 stone.

  • DAN says:

    GO FOR IT GIRL ! ! !

    YEAH ! ! !

    DAN.

  • John, a gentle man. says:

    Looks may attract a man to a woman, though less so as he gets older, but her mind will be what keeps him. For men who are not shallow or immature, and there are a few of us about, we know the value of the mind of a woman.

  • Rubycon says:

    What, may I ask, is the age difference here?

  • anniebub says:

    Indeed. How much older is he? Actually it is immaterial. If the spark is there, it is there. regardless of age. It is chemistry. You will always feel about sixteen years old if the electricity is there… I guess you know that. But, I think it is stronger if you find it second time round, because you are more aware of what you are up to.

  • MissM says:

    That age is of no importance is often the comment produced by a man after a younger woman. Though if you ask the same man if he would pursue a woman older than him and the answer tends to be no. ( I am sure June can confirm this.) If age is really not important then men should be equally inclined to pursue women older than them, which aside from some young men looking for sexual fantasies from a *cougar*, doesn’t happen.

    Age does matter, a large difference in age can affect compatibility, and there is nothing that is poor form if you are not comfortable with it.

    If some women like an older man then that is all well and good, but to assume that we all must is just nonsense. It is a left over from the days when women were not allowed to support themselves financially and a man had to have some resources behind him before he could begin a family that he would be the sole provider for. Women can support themselves now and so quite rightly should be able to choose men that they find attractive rather than are financially supportive.

    There is nothing wrong at all with wanting to have a partner who is your equal and your contemporary, and someone you fancy. Ignore negative comments from others if you reject a man, they are not the ones who have to get in the sack with him.

    Fancying someone is essential. Ideally you should pair up with a best friend that you fancy like crazy. That is my ideal anyway, and what I am trying to find.

  • Dawn says:

    I know women who married men for whom they felt no spark, but the men had impressive careers, and/or lots of money. Are they happy? No. They have lots of ‘things’ to show off, but they have no spark, period. It’s soul destroying.

    Hang in there. Onward and upward. Perhaps Long Shot will be just the ticket!

  • Lydia says:

    If they say age does not matter and they’re 65 and I’m nearly 20 years younger I say great – would you pursue a woman of 85 then? That usually catches them out. If you just want brief sex as plenty of people do or a year’s companionship before you toddle off to the care home then age doesn’t matter.

    If you want someone for the rest of your life why would you allow yourself to fall in love with someone who will die. I was thining about this with Nancy s and Paul McC who is 67 and she is 52 or something. In 10 y ears he may well be dead. Why risk the heartache?

    So then you ask list to me the advantages for someone younger of the olde rman if the younger woman is say 48 and the man is 68. Now he won’t be supporting her because he’s probably on a tiny pension. He won’t look so good. Bits will soon be falling off (I just spend a good few really nasty years with elderly and dying parents in their 70s and don’t really want to take on a repeat of that ). YOu might bget 5 years whilst he still has erectile functionality but then 20 years when you are his carer, chair lifts, incontinence, heart attacks. Tell me the advantages of the older man on a long term basis… they never can really . I suppose if he is worth £100m and will die in a few years and he marries you that might be the classic advantage. One I knew who remarried (not too much older than I am actually) he in effect saved his new wife from poverty and took on her child. He is her hero (ugly and dull though he is). For me he is not successful. For her he owns a house and can pay school fees fo he is so so so rich compared to her virtually on benefits life..He saved her.

    • John, a gentle man. says:

      Dear Lydia, your bitterness is burning my computer screen.

      • MissM says:

        Lydia sounded pretty accurate and practical to me. Would you date a woman who is good number of years older than you John?

        I don’t want to judge the women who need to resort to pandering to the male desire for a young woman for the financial gain, they have made some pretty tough choices no doubt, but there is absolutely no way I would consider going to bed with a man old enough to be my father. The whole idea makes my skin crawl. I prefer to insist on a man who is my equal and not someone I am a sexual plaything for in return for a well funded lifestyle.

        Most men who think they are desirable to women much younger than them tend to be seriously deluded. Lydia is right, there are no long term advantages for a woman to have a man older than her. Millionaires who leave you as the primary beneficiary of the will excepted perhaps. Personally I think Anna Nicole Smith should have got the lot, she sure as hell earned it.

      • EmGee says:

        Lydia may be cynical, but hardly bitter. On the other hand, marriage isn’t the commitment it used to be, if an older man thinks a younger woman will stick with him in sickness and in health, which would be more of the former and less of the latter, and showering her with gifts and money will seal the deal, I have the number to a good nursing home for when the time comes.

        I lived for a few years with a man 20 years my senior when I was in my late 20s. We are still the best of friends and he is still single and in rude good health at 69, and wears the same size pants as he did in high school (wish I did, lol!).

        We all have a motive for wanting to be in a relationship, some not as harmless or selfish as others.

  • maria says:

    Lydia, I love yours comments and I so agree with you!

  • Jo says:

    John, a gentle man
    I never say a word here, but I found your comments quite encouraging, thank you 🙂

  • John, a gentle man. says:

    Dear Miss M, the short answer is yes. In my 20’s I dated thirty year olds, forty year olds and even a couple of fifty year olds. Leave out 20 years now for being faithfully married. In my 40’s I dated fifty year olds and sixty year olds. I am now in my late 50’s and would be happy to date women of ANY AGE who attracted me, but would I be comfortable dating a woman as young as my daughter ? Flattered, yes, comfortable, no. However, find me a woman in her 70’s healthy enough to come with me overlanding in South America (last year), or travelling through Tibet to Everest base camp, (four weeks from now) and I would be very happy to make her acquaintance.

    • Lydia says:

      It’s just as bad with men who age too – the hip replacements, the dodgy backs, the obesity, the inability to move much Perhaps we each need physical tests like the army before meeting… I suppose occasionally I’ve asked when they’ve mentioned health issues – would you ski with me , would you walk through jungles with me, could you get in and out of small boats?. Physical deterioration also affects sex positions and abilities too.

      So I am similar to you age is not too big an issue although I don’t want someone who will die in the next 10 years but he has to be able to lead the life I lead. I will be in a jungle in a few weeks alone. My last dalliance couldn’t have managed that due to weight.

    • MissM says:

      Good for you John, but you are rather unusual in that respect. Most older men seem to be reluctant to date women who are even their own age. I figure they just see older women as being less physically attractive than young women, which is understandable, but they forget that older men are also less physically attractive than young men.

      Another good comment I once heard from a woman as a reply when a man of 60 and greatly her senior asked her out, was to enquire of him if the world had run out of 60 year old women.

  • plumgrape says:

    I value women of about my own age highly. I think that they are more interesting and mature than ones very much younger. The problem comes though when a woman irrespective of her age starts to criticize, becomes demanding, needy or domineering, tries to change a man, nags and acts as though the world created by her husband of so many years, because she knows no other, must be the same as the one you live in.
    It is not, I assure you. Mine personally is full of books and computers and paper, another’s I know is nothing but nature and gardens and cordon bleu cooking. These are very different worlds indeed. The question is about what you want and what you are able and/or willing to offer or give in exchange.
    If at an older age this is not company happiness and fun, you are deluding yourself that you have something that will work whatever sexual jealousy ploy, skittish inuendo, comment or baseless supposition and judgements, Plankton or any writing woman elects to engage!
    I feel that what I am seeing is fraught! I see suddenly in the human frame, copious amounts of disingenuity, inconsiderateness, calculation and a lack of the propensity to dialog. I feel sometimes it is a blessing to be on my own. At least I don’t have to worry about being nagged or different to myself and I can be quiet too. Know any good readers?

  • John, a gentle man. says:

    Dear Lydia, We all age, we all wear out, male and female alike.
    If asked, would I prefer to wake up next to a firm, toned body or a withered crone, then I have to admit to the former, but, for a companion to accompany me on the remainder of my life’s journey, I would wish for a compromise, a body, fit enough to match me, and I her, with a mind still sharp enough to enjoy the mental challenges ahead. In the inevitable course of time we would hopefully grow older and more frail together. Until then I still have many mountains to climb, seas to sail and jungle trails to hike.

    • MissM says:

      As you say we all age and wear out, but that only goes to emphasise Lydia’s point that there is no advantage for a woman to date a man much older than she is, since he has a head start on ageing and is only going to be going further downhill well before her. I can see why men like the idea of securing a nurse for the twilight years, but that is hardly ideal for the woman.

      If the choice was so simple I would guess absolutely every single one of us would prefer a firm, toned body over the withered old one. But if we are being realistic we should only expect to get what roughly matches what we ourselves offer. Those youthful, firm, toned bodies tend to pair up with other youthful, firm, toned bodies, and that is how it should be.

      Really, to all the older guys who want to ask young women out, stop thinking you are so irresistible and go and find someone your own age to play with. That age mismatch only works if you have the finances to trade for access to the youthful body you desire, and the woman in question considers that a fair transaction. (Funny how society labels the woman a gold digger but has no equal term for the man in the deal.)

      Growing old and frail together is an ideal I agree with. I would much prefer someone who is on the same rung of the ageing ladder as I am, that way the dubious delights of becoming decrepit can be a process we can share.

      • John, a gentle man. says:

        A quick Google search turned up, ‘Gold digger’ used for male or female, ‘Gigolo’, ‘Moocher’, ‘Scrub’, ‘Fancy man’, ‘Philanderer’, but I must here point out the stereotypical TV lady of a certain age, out to seduce the club pro or the tennis coach, also the ‘cougar’ comes readily to mind. I think that using ‘Gold digger’ for a female only, is just SO 20th century. lol

        Oh, Ps, at roughly what age does it become unacceptable to date a man, or a woman, significantly older than ones self ? If it was OK at 20/40, or 30/50, why not at 40/60. ???

      • MissM says:

        Just to clarify my opinion, and this is only my opinion remember, a 20 year age gap is not acceptable ever. I find it as repulsive at 20/40 as I do at 30/50 and 40/60. Why on earth you would think I approve of it at some other age bracket I don’t know, that would be terribly inconsistent of me. What people do with their lives is their own business of course, but I prefer to go to my grave single than stoop so low as to bed a man my father’s age, that is just way too creepy.

        If a 60 plus year old man asks me out I do think of terms like ‘pervert’ and ‘dirty old man’ (not to mention to wonder on what he bases the idea that he could in anyway be appealing enough to think I could possibly be interested).

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