The Callousness of Luck
September 28, 2011 § 30 Comments
Such were the fascinatingly, wildly differing views as to whether I should text Long Shot – both from commentators and friends – that I found myself completely at sea (a plankton’s natural habitat, after all).
In the end, I didn’t – which doesn’t mean I won’t, I may yet give in, but on balance, today, I feel it is better not to. These are my reasons:
1. It goes against my DNA to pursue a man so overtly (as opposed to madly spinning – cf yesterday’s post – out of their line of vision).
2. My pragmatic friends say that he should be contacting me; no way me him. It’s too soon. At least give him a chance to do the contacting.
3. He is by all accounts wonderful but complicated. Do I need complication? Have I the energy for it, attractive though he is?
If I give in over the next few days, these will be my reasons:
1. A simple text with a pretext can hardly be construed as stalky pursuit.
2.Who is to say my DNA is right?
3. Nothing ventured, and all that.
4. He is a man, I hear, in need of a nudge.
It was my cousin who said that I need a man who wants me, not who needs to be pursued by me, marketing myself that I am good news. He needs to see it for himself and do something about it; act of his own volition. Anything less than that, she says, I should officially be, Not Interested. She is so way off being the type who ever goes in for such drivel as, “Because you’re worth it,” and I think it was because of this that I found her argument for doing nothing so convincing.
There again, Janey and her husband, who know LS, and another friend who has it on authority from his sister-in-law, ALL say he is a special case because he is so hopeless in these matters so I must initiate the correspondence. And another very old male friend who is tremendous when it comes to matters of the heart had heard from his wife about my dilemma and stopped me in the street to tell me to damn well text. This is what they urged me yesterday. When I started writing this, I was in my cousin’s camp (she doesn’t know LS). And now, as I write, I can see the light of Janey (and her husband’s) infinite wisdom, so by lunch time will doubtless have done the deed and texted (the wording will take me a good hour to craft till it is pitch perfect, even if I only use a minimal number of characters).
The truth is, there is no wrong or right. I know a woman who scarily stalked a man in an extreme parody of what I was brought up not to do, and got him. I know a man who told me he had been stalked by a (beautiful) woman but he found the stalking so unsettling he ran a mile. I think it is all down to luck. Pursue a man and he’ll either love it or he’ll hate it. Depends on the man, and you. Don’t pursue him and he’ll either pursue you himself, or never even think of it and barely be aware of your existence. He could be turned on – or off – by pursuit, or lack of pursuit, just as he could be turned on or off by someone who is tall rather than short, or serious rather than funny, or vice versa. He either fancies you or he doesn’t; possibly he doesn’t know he does fancy you but that’s a whole ‘nother territory that is quite beyond my capability.
The only way I could be sure of doing the right thing would be by setting up camp inside his head and reading his mind. Can’t do that, alas, so remain completely clueless.
So it is, whatever I decide, it’s down to sheer luck. And luck is so capricious and blithe and unforgiving. So callous about towards what and on whom it deigns to beam its sparkly light. It is luck if he did fancy me, or if he is unsure whether he did or not, then whether or not I got it “right” the other night and/or get it “right” from here on in. Luck and only luck. (“Right” in this case I guess means having inspired him enough when I met him, or am now inspiring him enough with a text or email – or without one? – to gain his attention enough to be lasting and potentially able to morph into passion and lasting love…tra la!).
I know, I know, me too, I shouldn’t think about it all nearly so much. Either text or not, but put up and shut up, especially as it is all in the end and either way just luck.
You are all at perfect liberty to tell me to fuck off.