Go to Everything
October 3, 2011 § 41 Comments
The other day someone told me that a well-known actress who had married late in life said that as a middle-aged woman on her own you have to go to bloody everything.
I thought about this last night as I ventured out. I am rather possessive about my Sunday evenings because I am usually so knackered at the end of the weekend, but I had been asked to a massive dinner and so swallowed my reluctance, and shovelled on the mascara. My hosts were people I don’t know well but like very much and I realised I had to go; the opportunity to widen one’s field and all that.
I didn’t have a fantastic time but I was made to feel welcome and had a nice enough time. I sat next to a medical big-wig happily married to his second wife. He had left his first wife and had a story about that to tell (I love getting unlikely men to talk about these things. My heart had rather sunk as I sat down. He had looked so formal and not up for it, but I probed a bit and bit by bit out it all came, the emotion and expletives and all, and in the end we laughed a lot, I enjoyed our conversation and liked him). On my other side, a very jolly academic. I am guessing he was gay and I liked him too. On balance, I am glad I made the effort and didn’t stay in because I had thought I’d rather watch Downton. The occasion was fun in itself, though stuffed with married couples and of course I left on my own as usual which is always dismal.
One of the great things about being married is that you don’t have to go to everything. Such a goddamn relief! You can say no, can’t be arsed, and you aren’t potentially missing the opportunity of a lifetime! When you are a plankton, every invitation could be the one where you meet The One. So when I am tired and can’t be arsed, and even actively dreading something, I feel the need to force myself to get up and go, because you never know… I have heard enough stories of someone who made herself go to something she wanted to go to as much as she wanted to be hung, drawn and quartered, and lo and behold, she did go and met the man of her dreams! It’s so commonplace this cliched story, it haunts me to the point I wonder if a woman ever met the man of her dreams at a party she did want to go to?
So I go out when I want to go out and I go out when I really, really don’t. Sometimes I enjoy the occasion like last night, sometimes I don’t, like the thing I made myself go to a few nights ago; waste of bloody time that was. Sometimes it’s more extreme: absolutely fantastic or really, really shit. In any event, I wonder if meeting someone will ever happen this way because it seems the world is teeming of married couples; even if you try to break out into the world of singles and get away from them, you’re always within 6 feet of one, like they say you are with a rat. Don’t get me wrong, I am not equating married people with rats – some (most!) of my best friends and all that – but there are a fuck of a lot of them.
I remember when I was young and single, I’d worked it out down to a tee. Take a party of, say, 100 people. 60 of them were married or boyfriend/girlfriend. The other 40 consisted of 30 single women (including me), 10 single men. Of those ten men, 4 were gay/emotionally unstable/commitment-phobes or SFARs (Single For A Reason); and the 5 vaguely reasonable ones were surrounded by 29 single women. Which left me, the thirtieth single woman, in a corner with the one handsome, clever, funny, brilliant, gorgeous single man who would invariably look deeply into my eyes and tell me how extravagantly, totally, completely, overwhelmingly, joyfully, passionately, manifestly in love he was with… a woman who couldn’t make it to the party tonight but whom, he assured me, combined the physical attributes of Brigitte Bardot and Kate Moss, and the intellectual ones of Simone de Beauvoir, and whom he intended to propose to within days and go on to have a hundred of her children.
Today, those stats have shifted slightly. Party of 100 people: 90 married; 8 planktons; 2 SFARs in their almost certainly in their dotage.
So, all this Going to Everything, all the effort and sticks of mascara and babysitting fees, where the fuck has it got me? Nowhere. But you have to keep on going to everything, just in case.
Just in my case, I sometimes wonder why the fuck I bother?
Except otherwise, I suppose, I might as well be dead.
The Plankton 
Ummmm, don’t suppose you are a SFAR yourself ? Just wondered, I mean what is a SFAR anyway ? What is it that so disqualifies these men for you ? You cannot claim to be Plankton if you so easily and casually dismiss members of the opposite sex yourself, or so I would have thought. Maybe I am wrong.
Chris:
I don’t think we Plankton “easily and casually dismiss members of the opposite sex.” We are all WAY past the point of expecting the tall dark handsome wildly rich, fantastic lover to show up on our doorstep. Give us some credit, please. However, that doesn’t mean we’re so desperate as to go out with ANY man, no matter how dire.
Examples of SFARs from my life (I’m sure we could all provide a list):
1. 44 years old, still lives with his mother. Has spent last 20+ years getting several postgraduate degrees, but has never actually worked in any field. In short, an unambitious sponger content to have his mommy do his laundry. No thank you.
2. A colleague’s mother died, aged in her late 70s. A few months after her death, the colleague asked me if I would be interested in being set up for dinner w/ her father (the surviving widower, also in his late 70s). At that time, I was all of 45 years old.
3. Asked me first evening we met whether I would be interested in going to S&M “dungeon” with him the following week.
4. The SFAR’s cousin (a friend of a friend of mine) was keen to introduce us, and told our mutual friend that “he’s sure that THIS time, the rehab was successful.”
Miss Bates, not by any chance from Hitchcock’s House on the Hill? 1. I am 58. When I am in Britain there is no where I prefer to be than visiting or staying with my mother where I can even spend all holidays and all summer too. I see the many benefits of study. I work as much as possible, but in case you did not realise it employment is a bit of a problem in Britain. I would like to suggest that laundry is a major problem. Most of my life women have dominated and been controlling for no other damn reason than in Plankton’s language the fucking laundry. A washing machine of my own is a real aspiration or honest goal if I am not in shared accomodation. Sponger I say if the shoe fits wear it. The laundry is something my mother is happy to do for me as repairing her computer or TV or any other appliance or going to the shops I am most happy to do for her. Put your money where it belongs, on “Quid Pro Quo”. Are you getting it? 2. Obviously you can always so no, just as your colleague’s father was lucky to be able to ask. 3. I think it was a joke to see how you would react. You are obviously easily frightened. It might have been dare I suggest it, a haunted house like we have on the pier in Brighton for children. Read Keith Richards’ book “life”. Patti his wife seems gloriously happy and he just got fed up with the “shit” (heroin). I suggest SFAR is you can’t find a good woman who’ll come out to play, who won’t give you the comittment phobe or talk long enough to be good company without stirring sexual jealousy expecting you do do as I say, not as I do. No I back, is the offer and then the deal worth your while?Short and sweet.
It’s much easier to spot the female SFAR. We’re fat.
Like your sense of humour, Dawn. Lol.
Another brilliant “I have to laugh otherwise I’d cry” post, Plankton.
I am very impressed that you get invitations to such events. Here in NY, a single middle-aged woman is about as likely to get invited to a dinner party as a homeless person. Instead, I get invited to things like my friends’ children’s birthday parties. (“Oh, look, Susie/Amanda/Andrew — it’s Aunt______ come to see you! She has a present for you! Can you help me with these cupcakes?”) This would be all well and good if they would also invite me to the occasional grown up event, but to no such luck.
MissBates, lucliky I don’t really get subjected to this (as in, I get invited to the kids things ocasionally, but also (mostly, actually) the adult stuff). However, not long after separating, a female friend suggested “consolingly” that we would “have a night out with just the girls”. I immediately said “Actually, no thanks, I could think of nothing I would hate more. I would like to continue to go out in mixed company as before. I’m dead happy to go out with you and your husband”. She was a bit taken aback, but she simply hadn’t thought about it. I was never into socialising with large groups of women (or men, for that matter) and have always enjoyed the dynamic of mixed (adult!) company, so that had not suddenly changed for me. If anything, I had probably become even more entrenched in my position!
Would you consider saying it to your friends? “You know, I really enjoy the kiddies’ parties, but, actually, I’d love to join you for an adult gig sometime”. (Add “MIXED adult gig”, if you think it necessary!). Of course, you would only do this if you are comfortable with being the 5th, 7th, 9th etc at the table (I am – it’s still preferable to being with a gang of kids or hens!), because this may be the outcome! Sometimes people just don’t think, or they make (incorrect) assumptions about us Plankton – so we need to verbalise our needs/wishes/preferences. Another thing I do is to host dinner parties where I may be the only one who is not married/in a relationship. It sends a strong message (which, to be fair to my wonderful friends, they have read and understood). Now I don’t think they even consider to be an issue the fact that I don’t have a “better half” – I’m on the adult invitation list anyway! Happy days!
Oh, and by the way, I have forbidden any of my friends to have their children call me “Aunt”. I’m NOT their effing aunt!
They are also fully aware that I prefer wine to cupcakes. This is important. Verrry important :-).
Hi Bambi! Loved your comment. : ) You know, I *have* indicated to various friends how much I would love to join the “grownups” for dinner parties, drinks, barbecues, what have you, but they just don’t seem to take the not-so-subtle hint. There is entrenched resistance to inviting us plankton. I also invite couples to my apt for various things — a Christmas cocktail party, being a case in point last year — and lo and behold, with one exception, just the wives of said couples usually show up. I get the distinct impression that the wives don’t WANT their husbands to accompany them, for fear they might run into — shock! horror — single women!! (Don’t these women know that their husbands spend much of every day with middle-aged single women at the office — e.g., their fellow professionals — without wifely supervision?) It’s not a little soiree at my apartment that presents a threat, ladies….
And why not wine AND cupcakes, I say?
Wine and cupcakes it is, then, MissBates!
And maybe a change of friends too?!! :-). Just kidding – I know what you mean….Planktons do come under suspicion a lot of the time… Maybe I myself should have been more wary of Other Women when it came to my own ex hubby….and I mightn’t be in this Plankton Position now (Yeh, right, like it would have made any difference…. If a person is gonna cheat, they’re gonna cheat!)
Ps. Btw, did anyone go to the gig in London which was on (I think) last weekend – to do with attracting a mate/partner or such, as far as I remember… Just wondering if it was any fun…. I think a few people had said they were going…. would love to hear….
Great post once again. Those statistics are spot on, so either there is some reason I am not aware of that results in eligible men not attending anything, or they really just don’t exist. Maybe they chose the option of staying home rather attend anything *just in case* they meet the woman of their dreams. Maybe there is an alternative universe in which there are large numbers of desirable men gathered around wondering why there are no available women, and quite possibly in this universe socks never go missing either.
What I will enjoy most about finding a partner (assuming I ever do) is not having to go anywhere *just in case* ever again.
Could it be that fewer men show up to these parties because it is usually the hostess who plans and invites, so is more likely to invite her single girlfriends, and wouldn’t (or shouldn’t) have single boyfriends to think of inviting. Unless they are invited for the purpose of setting something up for a plankton friend. This isn’t 100% of the cases, but realistically, I think it is pretty reasonable to assume so.
Another beautiful rant Planky, even though I don’t quite agree with your logic, I too will force myself to a social event, just because…
Oh how I agree!It’s exhausting. ‘Don’t just sit at home hoping he’ll come and knock on your door’ I’m told so often. Another one I read somewhere and quite like ‘darling, one can only ever marry someone one has met’! So gotta keep going out…..
I love your honesty and your willingness to get pissed off . I’m 54 a single man and I have actually had pretty similar experiences allowing for the gender reverse. This goes against some of the assumptions that 45 + men are having a high old time out there with dating women . Now I’ve fessed up to my real age I find very few women are interested in me particularly those in their mid-forties – I seem to have become an old crusty overnight. Women seem picky and completely status driven. I’m nice looking and look young for my age but I can’t see all these young women dying to snag an old git. I’d be happy with a hot 50 something but despite getting out there I can’t find them.
why not amaze yourself and meet women over 60, contrary to popular belief we are not all totally unfanciable, some of us have good figures, my younger friends cant believe mine, we dress trendily,ie we do not wear dirndi skirts brevitt sandals and have a grey curly perm, we can hold a reasonable conversation and our much younger female friends seem to have no problem with us being over 60, why the hell do men!.
If you expect a woman ten years your junior to be interested in you you should have the decency to be looking at women ten years your senior also. Hardly fair that the woman has accept a much older guy when the guy has no intentions of doing the same. There is always a clause of I would date an older woman “if I found her attractive”. The truth of the matter is younger women also find older men to be as (un)attractive as men find older women to be.
I am in my early forties and have no interest in dating a man in his fifties, there will be plenty of time for me to do that when I too am in my fifties. If a woman my age was targeting men in their early thirties she would be mocked, double standards are still alive and well.
See my comment before yours, i would prefer men in 50s ones my age much too old and set in ways for me, men in 50s though seem to think women over 60 totally past it and not worth bothering with. I have many female friends in 30s and 40s , they seem to have no problem with me being 20 years older than them, but men a few yrs younger dont want to know. i have actually been told on websites you are too old even though man in question looked older than me!
Why not try the senior’s centre?
Worth a shot.
Look no further, ferrarafiore!
There are at least half a dozen on this blog, I suspect.
Signed: Hot 50-year-old-who-looks-about-40ish.
Yes SFAR applies EQUALLY well to the fairer sex , does it not?
Or is it the fact that all women over 40 are gorgeous,bright,caring lovelies whilst all the men are unkempt /boozers/obsessed with their Exs etc? ;))
Maybe a long look in the mirror and trying to get to know someone before blithly dismissing them as SFAR might be in order?
Just a thought……
No, Steve — not all men over 40 are unkempt boozers,etc. THEY, however, are the only ones who would deign to date a woman their own age, because they can’t get anyone else. Sorry, but the planktons don’t want them, either.
I also think you do not quite “get” what we mean by the SFARs. You seem to think that we regard as as “SFAR” any man who is not a handsome hedge fund manager with more money than God, and a dynamo in the sack. Wrong! Most of us are far too jaded to set our sights that high. Most of us would be thrilled if we were noticed by an educated, not horrifyingly unattractive, not too-overweight guy within 5-10 years of our own age, who doesn’t have drink/drugs issues, and who is steadily employed, not necessarily earning a bundle, but at least successful in his line of work, whatever it is.
As for the 40+ single women all being “gorgeous bright caring lovelies” — you are also missing the point. NO, we DON’T all fit that description, but even those of us who DO are by and large still very much alone.
THAT’S the difference.
Reading your description of an ‘ acceptable ‘ man, I actually think you are asking rather a lot given the state of our economy and employment market. Seriously, you are dismissing a large proportion of men with your criteria. Many middle aged people of both sexes these days are not so fortunate as to be steadily employed, let alone what might be called successful if they are steadily employed. Myself, I think having steady employment itself is a sufficient mark of success in the harsh times in which we live. The heady noughties seem a long way away now. I guess planktons are lagging in their adjustment.
ALICE M,
These boozers as you call them ordinarly may be sound individuals who have no other way of dealing with there present circumstances of being in the exact same place as all planktons, and are using booze to deal with that situation.
But remember that given the chance may change this behaviour, upon meeting somebody of the opposite sex that actually show’d an interest in them, and showed them that yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel after all !
I have seen it on countless occaisions !
I am seriously getting worried about all you female planktons out there at the moment.
The way ye’re heading is to ultimate destruction !
I’ve heard everything from cats to dogs, illiterate, to god knows what as excuses for not even considering either speaking to ‘not to mention going out with someone that could possibly be in fact your future soulmate !
YE’VE automatically already rulled out 90% of the variable peole that are available to actually meet with that special someone that could make all the difference to all ye’re lives .
I actually think ye dont want at this stage to actually meet someone, but would rather wallow in ye’re own world of self pity and critisism of others.
For god sake lose the higher thinking level and yes im going to say it,
WAKE UP AND SMELL THE ROSES !
Time is of the essence at this stage !
If ye don’t ye’ll be on ye’re own forever , believe me !
And i know ’cause thats exactly where i am, and always will be.
DAN.
Well that is the thing DAN, when I weigh up the options I would rather be alone than with some illiterate old codger. I am totally flexible on other aspects, he can be fat, live with mum (the real trouble with those ones is they wont actually ever leave mum) and be penniless, but personally I do draw the line at anyone unintelligent and significantly older than me. This is because I do want someone with whom I can converse and have sexual relations, and if I don’t want to do both of those things with a man I fail to see why I would want to keep him around.
😀 Yep, it cuts both ways.
It’s just a myth. There are heaps of single men around.
I don’t go with this having to go to everything thing though. I love being at home. if I’m going out then yes I’d go on a date with someone but not to do lots of random socialising with people I may not want to be with. My time is far far too valuable to waste onthat but then I’m superwoman or something, not a plankton which is perhaps the difference. Anyone who gets me to go out is very lucky indeed and I turn most things down. Thus I am a rare jewel whereas someone who can always be relied on to turn out to everything is not going to be rare. They will be common plankton perhaps.
Surely the only issue is do I want to go to thing thing and see these people rather than some self imposed rule you h ave to go out to things? But then I would be happy single as much as happy remarried so I don’t have the same internal and mental pressures.
SFAR – single for a reason? Well some people just aren’t attractive to others but someone else might want that particular person. You have to be open minded about it. I speak to people who don’t tick many or most boxes. I am tomorrow and you just never know. It might be fine. Tuck the criteria away if they are so tight you don’t see many men and see how it goes. Have fun. Life is fun even (or particularly) if you’re single.
Lydia, I have been following just as much as P… could I have some of whatever it is you are having?
feel your pain – but hey, being a ‘married’ ain’t all that sometimes either. When the ‘other half’ – god what a dire bloody expression that is – doesn’t want to go anywhere and you either go alone (but you don’t even have the luxury of being able to snog someone unsuitable in the conservatory without tongues wagging, which is a possibility if you are a plankton) or stay home with him indoors and fall asleep with sheer boredom in front of the TV
Maybe that is why planktons are perceived a so ‘picky’. We may not know what we want, but most of us don’t want a repeat from our past!
My late husband could never figure out why I would rather read a book than watch back to back episodes of ‘Cops’, and when a commercial came on, he thought nothing of using that as ‘quality time’ to interrupt my reading and talk. One of the first things I did after he died, was cancel the cable, the second was to sell the 52″ monstrosity, and after a few weeks, I realized I never had the tv on at all, so I unplugged the little one too. He never like to go out either, and when he did encourage me to go out with friends, when I got home, he acted as if I had abandoned him!
I must say, Plankton, your social life is unrecognisably better than almost every Plankton I know! Most of them are trapped: – either because they don’t have limitless funds for going out (because their ex-husband rushed them into a settlement that does not give them much spare cash) or because there are just not that many parties and dinner parties in my particular city, or because they are still very bruised by being abandoned at a vulnerable time of life. In their position I just don’t see what options they have other than the internet. And most of them have teenagers who keep on telling them not to even think of getting a partner!
Ah another gem plankton, if i feel down about my situation as i am a bit after my last two encounters from the plenty fish site, reading your blog always cheers me up as i realize i am not alone.
Yes this must not turn down invites wears a bit thin at times, I am very fortunate in that my attached friends do invite me out in mixed company. This did not happen in the small town i come from, but the city seems different. My friend was amazed when i expressed surprise at being invited to her birthday meal attended by her partner,his kids, other friends partners and kids, she said why the hell wouldnt you come, you are my friend, we are not loved up teenagers, why wouldnt i invite you.i pointed out different here to my home town . I spent new years eve with same friends and it isnt a problem, i do not feel like a token single! i do however also go out with same friends on all female nights out. So perhaps it depends on what to, and who invitations are from.
Today i was contacted by a women from the social group i belong to, some pleasant people belong to this, male and female, not many fanciable males i must add, but at times it just feels like full of a sad singles, many and have to say it, who drink far too much, they went out yesterday lunchtime she said, all got sloshed, this does seem rather occupational hazard of some single people, hiding being a sad single in alcohol.i like a drink by the way, but you get what i mean . She asked me did i want to go out for christnas day lunch with them,, i hedged as i really dont ,Sitting around christmas day, in a pub,after lunch, trying to gloss over fact we are all single and lonely, ending up p……with people i really dont know very well, doesent really fill me with joy,id rather hope for invite from close friends or and i dont really enjoy spend christmas day alone, spend it at home by myself. Any comments from anyone on this.
I like your attitude June. Holidays can be difficult, but I don’t think I would want to change one sort of misery (being alone) with another (being in miserable company, no doubt commiserating).
I don’t have children, the rest of my family live 2 1/2 days’ drive away, and flying is not convenient, both are prohibitively expensive. Last year I did go ‘home for the holidays’, and it was not too bad, because (unbeknownst to the family), I had a boyfriend eagerly waiting for me to come back. I am trying to decide whether to scrape up the money and go back this year, or just stay here. I have the fortune of having friends who are like family here, so if I choose the stay home, I won’t have to be alone. On the other hand, my father has dementia, and it means a lot to him and my mother for me to go back.
As someone else pointed out, we often don’t go out much because we don’t have the disposable incomes marrieds and single men have, statistically speaking. And it’s nothing to do with alimony – I always find that comment a kick in the teeth, any way you look at it.
Very true EMgee, we do not. I have a friend who stays in a relationship where she is not happy because she just cant afford her morgage on her own. Living alone is expensive and i feel i do not want to waste my money doing things and going places with people im not very close to, so i have it to spend doing the things i enjoy with the people im closest to. I have little family being an only child and my dad died last year, i have good friends as ive said but christmas can be difficult as sometimes they go to partners families etc. But on reflection think id rather spend christmas day alone than with a load of sad singles, i dont know very well ,all getting p…….cause they cant face going back to their empty homes.
Maybe you’d be better going down to your local pub, or fuck off for a weekend now and again with another plankton.
To me you seem to be going to all these whipdidoo functions all the time
Get down and dirty and maybe give the ordinary joe soap a try !
You may be pleasantly surprised !
DAN.
|Sorry dan i can be not very well off on my own thank you. All i am asking for and so are most other planktons i think,is a man without one foot in grave, in reasonable shape, a non smoker who is actually solvent, not rich just solvent.I live in a one bedroomed flat,i own it but its only big enough for me, so i have no desire for anyone to move in with me.i do have a company pension but its not massive,and i cannot suppport a man. The guy i met saturday was living in house association property, had no job or pension and was living on benefits. Yet he expected me to want to see him again, we had little in common, but guess he was lonely. Well im sorry but if you really expect any sensible older woman to want someone like that in her life,you dont know women very well, id rather be alone for ever.
“Very true EMgee, we do not. I have a friend who stays in a relationship where she is not happy because she just cant afford her morgage on her own.”
I stayed in my marriage far to long because I was afraid I couldn’t make it alone, then my husband died suddenly, and I had no choice but to make changes. One of the biggest was to be determined that I will support myself. I do live from month to month, but I have a roof over my head and enough to eat.
Fortune smiles on me in unexpected ways: for instance, I have free internet because I am an access point for a friend’s wireless business. So I may not be able to ‘get out’ as often as I’d like, but I can at least socialize online. I am volunteering at the local music festival, so I get in free, get a couple good meals, and have a backstage pass for just a couple hour’s work a day, where a 2 day pass costs $80 plus expenses.
I will be meeting up with someone who I only know so far from facebook, with a mutual interest in music and photography. It’s all kind of exciting and adventurous!
The feeling I get is that the biggest problem is a fundamental lack of confidence, whether it is in the money going far enough, or the man picking up the bill. This must be a quid pro quo world. Women have the vote and in most cases if you ask me the jobs. If you will look down your nose at an unemployed male living off the state then you may indeed spend the rest of your life on your own! Bra-burners on the pill, women, you have taken men’s work and self esteem. What have you offered in return? Lonliness is the price for us all .
Oh my. This brings a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘trolling for women’.
See my post above, not all women have the same items on their list of requirements any more than all men want the same thing. I have my own home and really prefer to pay my own way, I am not after a man to provide for me. I have sought the company of men who were unemployed, living with mother, a perpetual student, overweight, penniless, living off the state or a combination of the above because for me it the person that is of interest, rather than what they do or own.
My aim is for someone whose company I enjoy and whose body I desire to get intimate with. That is tricky enough, since when I find a man I feel that way about, he doesn’t necessarily feel like that about me. In fact one man I desired decided, although he liked my company and intimacy, I didn’t fit his criteria of being thoroughly passionate about Australian Rules Football, red wine, and Argentinian techno music. So men too can have their own list of requirements that are impossible to live up to.
Are we in 1963?
It would seem so, Dawn.
“When I find a man I feel that way about, he doesn’t necessarily feel like that about me.” About this I can concur. I have found the same. The problem is a dialog and the context in which this can occur. If minds are already made up with pre-conceived notions then there is no level playing field. The problem I feel, as with the Australian Rules is moving goalposts. One woman I know professed to be divorced, but there was no decree absolute because property was not settled and unable to resolve their investment in joint equity they got back together, no doubt for further tribulation to follow!
Do you see that Plankton can’t give up her real name or a phone number? She would be inundated with calls. No shortage of men then I’m sure. She really will be like a Chinese acrobat spinning plates! I profess she is a man!
I might also mention that one woman’s strength if come to be appreciated and understood by a man, can not showing up in others, leave many wanting.