Snowman lV
October 8, 2011 § 26 Comments
I learned yesterday – and this was not the reason for my shit day – that Snowman (see trio of earlier posts called Snowman l, ll, lll), among all the other men I have heard about this week, is now also enjoying manifestly the benefits of being single, with women here, there and everywhere, to the point that he is shocking his children. This was not a personal blow because I don’t have feelings for him, haven’t seen him for months, but it does in some senses add to the general blow.
This week I have heard about several men for whom the single life is all about the merriment of betraying not one woman at a time but several. What larks! In fact the on dit is that men are at it to such an extent that if a woman wants to be with someone, then she has to lump it or leave it because that is just how it is and tough. We will just have to get real: this is the way of the world.
Perhaps because I was having such a shit and tearful day yesterday (don’t ask; it’s too tedious) and so far today is proving no less shitty, I am choosing to see the world only from one particular – exceeding depressing – angle. But it does seem to me extraordinarily true that the widowed/divorced men I know, or know of, are waking up to find themselves pigs in fields of clover and woman-infinite shit. Even the men like Snowman who was clobbered by bereavement or all the men I have met who have temporarily been rendered too raw by the experience of divorce to contemplate another relationship, are within a flash more “sorted” by more wonderful women than they could ever imagine they had coming to them.
One of my recently divorced girlfriends is the coolest woman in all Europe and when she found the man she was seeing was also seeing others, walked. But not so many women can find it in themselves to be so courageous. Many a plankton thinks, better a tiny slither of him, the rest of his slithers shared all about amongst half a dozen others, than no slither at all.
It’s true. It does feel like that sometimes. Wives clinging onto their dear husbands for dear life, knowing that if they lose them, however grim the marriage, what is out there – if anything at all – is a whole lot fucking worse.
My friends in Men With So Many Women (5th October) and the one who told me about Snowman, all safely married, seemed, in an inverted sympathetic sort of way, not to mind telling a plankton – for her own “protection”, you understand – about her need to wake up and smell the coffee, and to lower her already pretty paltry expectations. The hint is that we mustn’t get above ourselves and imagine that we are going to find a faithful man any time soon, and that is just the way it is when the erotic capital has gone the way of gravity.
Forgive me, I write today feeling bitter and twisted and with a bitter and twisted view of the world which doesn’t reflect all reality, of course.
Just get these days sometimes, when all seems bleak and depressing and hopeless and I feel insufferably and unforgivably full of sugary self-pity and the breadknife to the jugular seems like an attractive option.
More tomorrow about date with PS and pretext for seeing LS.
If I am still here.
No, shoot me down! I take that back. Of course I will still be here. Busy counting my fucking blessings.
The Plankton 
Oh, Dear Plankton, you really are on a downer today. Bright side, life swings like a pendulum, somehow, hang in there through the bad times, they make the following good times so much better.
On the second or third hand gossip from your ‘frenemies’, they remind me very much of my peers at college, all of whom, except me, had lost their virginity by the age of 12. Many years later this first experience turned out to be nearer 25 with some much later than that. Keep your chin up Lady, trust me, all is not as reported.
Thanks, John. You haven’t always been on my side, but have come good now I am down. Appreciated. Best P
Plankton! Plankton! Who is telling you all these things? Who are these ‘well meaning’ friends? They sound like frenemies to me…..don’t let them poison you with their view of the world.
Gird your loins, Plankton and don’t allow yourself to be swayed by jaundiced views designed to make you feel diminished. We are all rooting for you….
This is not how the world is. None of the men I’ve seen have had or wanted other women. You are just seeing the wrong kind of men and if 100% of people you know only know men who want to have several women on the go then you still are not seeing a representative sample.
Also let’s not be sexist. There was someone else posting about a stable of men. Women might enjoy several men at once too. I saw three one week I remember although I don’t go in for “plural marriage”/sleeping around so from memory I think that was mostly just dinner. In a sense plankton has several possibles on the go at once too although not in a going to bed sense.
As for polyamory that’s something that some men and women genuinely and honestly do practise and always have and always will. If you aren’t into it nor want to sleep with different men at o nce nor be involved with men who do then that’s not difficult. Most people don’t have several women or men on the go. Most of us find it time consuming enough to have one never mind more than that.
Attractive men and women find partners. There’s nothing inthe description of plankton which suggests other than reasonably attractive so there should be no difficulty.
Much more important is how one feels, the state of the brain chemistry and whether feelings of self worth, contentment and happiness can be engendererd. This has nothing to do with external circumstances and whether one has a partner or not.
Keep hunting. Have fun. Have fun without a man. Have a man just for fun for once and deliberately not for a long term relationship, just to keep your hand in.
Yes, mustn’t get too uppity — I mean, who are we to want a faithful lover? Beggars can’t be choosers, etc., as our “friends” constantly remind us. “Meanwhile [giggling] isn’t Tom such a bad boy? Keeping those three women in rotation [more giggling]….he’s having SUCH FUN!”
OK PLANKTON — no, I’m not going to suggest that you will find someone when you Least Expect It — rather, go and sob in the shower or into your pillow or whatever, then splash some cold water on your face, have something to eat (preferably fattening, what the fuck), then get dressed and go for a long walk with your iPod on your favorite playlist. (Nothing suicidal, please.) Have a coffee and read a book in a cafe. Come home, repeat. You will feel an infinitesimal amount better. This is my weekend plan, and I share it with you at no charge.
That’s great advice! Will do! Thank you so much. Wow, I am spoilt with so many kind supporters. Best Px
I wpuld like to think that not all men are like this – give some of us a break
O dear plankton you are feeling down but you have my sympathies, feel bit that way myself.
After the last plenty fish incidents i am beginning to feel i really cant be bothered with it any more, but do i want to spent the reat of ,my life alone,no, but what the hell is the alternative,unless i am prepared to lower my standards so low they couldnt get any lower, also .with me its the approach of winter and bloody christmas, which isnt helping either, ive always felt more alone in winter. I think i will shoot the next person who tells me there is someone for everyone, in mens case it seems lots for everyone, women , well youve said it. I fear mine must live the other side of the world, cause he sure isnt here. Someone the other day told me you never know you might meet him in supermarket q ueue , why do people run on this crap, you want to bloody scream do you know anyone who has.
Tonight i am going to a dear friends house for a meal, she has a lovely, nice easy going husband,yes they are out there. ! However said friend with the not so great relationship is also coming, not sure if partner is, things have not been good lately there but she is clinging on as she does not wish to become a plankton and who would blame her, who the hell wants to be, everyone tells her shes lovely, she should give him up, she is worth more , she will find someome else. well yes she is lovely and worth more but would she find someone else, im not exactly ugly and want someone decent and ive been looking since probably her age, and ive never found anyone worth having.. I had bit of weep this morning actually plankton, i really dont know if i can stand being on my own for ever and thought perhaps should i have continued to see last planty fish bloke,he was lonely,i am, but then i though there was no spark,he was boring, lived in sticks, and was worse off than me! dont be so bloody stupid june. Whatever you do dont bother with online dating,it really isnt worth it,ive given up on paid ones now, it was good money after bad, it sometimes makes you feel feel worse, at least plenty fish is free. Enjoy rest of weekend as best you can, i will enjoy myself tonight,thank god for good friends.
Dear June, Hear! Hear! I completely agree with all you have said. Thanks for writing. Nice to know we aren’t the only ones! Best, Px
Absolutely not the only ones, I am in your group too. I was far too much in agreement with your blog today to even be capable of commenting. You said it all.
I know how you feel June, it is so hard to keep one’s chin up in the circumstances. I cannot drop my paltry standards any lower without resulting in having a man that would make me miserable and that would defeat the purpose entirely.
I am extra grateful for the other comments on the blog today, since there was no way I was going to be able to put a positive spin on this one.
Hear Hear, Miss M, and thank you once again. Best Px
well plankton went on the meal, had nice night, my lovely friend was lovely as she always is,bless she has had so much sadness in her life, her mum died young of breast cancer, she has inherited the gene, she has had both breasts removed herself to prevent it, her brother died young but yet she is a kind lovely person, always happy.the other friend who was there, yes the partner came too, the tension between them you can cut,.its there, but she papering over cracks again, got they are getting thin! but as i said whats the alternative being a plankton and who the fuck would want to be one of them, like you plankton im finding it really hard at moment, i dont know how much longer i can stand it, i am bloody sick of being a god damm bloody plankton, will it ever end.
Dear P – please don’t take to heart others’ experiences with internet dating. Just because someone had a bad experience doesn’t mean the same will happen to you. There are nice men on there and lots of them. The key is the perameters you put for your choices. A woman in her 60s looking for men in their 40s and younger is obviously going to have slimmer pickings than a woman in her 50s looking for her age and above. I know I was harsh on you yesterday but lately you are feeling sorry for yourself and starting to wallow, settle for less than you want, and you are too good for that. Please consider the internet dating! If you are waiting for a friend to introduce you to Mr. Right, you could be in for a mighty long wait, and time is not to be wasted now. Hope you are feeling better today and apologies for the tough love. PS and LS are not worth your time and effort. They will undoubtedly lead to nowhere. You are settling to be with PS when you truly aren’t even interested, and LS is just a hot mess of rejection waiting to happen. Hugs to you, and hoping a little reality check will pull you out of this hole of funk that you are in. Time to expand your horizons, dear P : )
There are loads of suitable men on line. I spoke to one yesterday and emailed a couple more today. It’s an ocean full of super whales of them never mind plankton men. You just need to see a lot more so you are choosing from man not a few who seem a bit inadequate.
Sometimes when the world is against you as it clearly is right now, a wallow is the only solution. However it must be a wallow with a time limit. It must also be a wallow with a little self indulgence.
My personal favourite is an old black & white movie (preferably a weepy, a good cover for the sob) and some chocolate but that’s just me.
The most important part of all this is the time limit, 2 hours, 4 hours, a whole day at the very most, after which you must step back into the world and face it, otherwise the temptation to stay in your cocoon becomes dangerous.
Thank you, Empress. I agree 100%. I promise to try to be over it by the end of the weekend! Best, Px
Yet another one that rings very very true. Yes, P – I am 10 years further on than you, and have had/known quite a few Snowmen (mostly internet-met…that in itself tells a story or two…),and like your friend, I too have walked when I realised what was gong on behind the curtains – or the sofa. BUT I have to admit that once I came to see just how sad and desperate and lonely these men are, i have some pity for them?! And it’s been a wake-up call. I have read and heard everything there is to know about these men in clover…….could tell you more but just want you to know, as you do, you are not alone and that there really ARE some men who want only one bed of clover. Most just can’t BE ALONE so they keep trying other fields. Sad pigs, sorry, men. But I do know they get a bit disenchanted and bored finally – by which time they are old and ugly and there’s no more clover. Just be patient.
Surely if you date someone and they are seeing other women it’s on a par with having an affair?……..I just wouldn’t be interested if I was one of the gang.
ps…a long walk is a panacea for all ills.
Maybe you are feeling a bit tetchy because of the upcoming dates making you feel a bit nervous?
Part of being human is feeling shitty and bitchy sometimes, we can’t always be shining points of light, and anyone who seems so is faking it!
The most terrific thing I heard today was that you realize it’s only temporary, and you’ll be right as rain in a day or too – a bit like having a cold – misery while you are in it, and it must be suffered through, but it goes away. It always goes away.
I think you should bed as married men as you can . It’s not the married state that should make these friends of yours smug.
You mean to stop them being so smug because she’s had their husbands the week before? I doubt that really is much of a route to happiness.
how will she know if she hasn’t given it a shot?
if they are honest w the people they date, I think no problem, then any woman who doesn’t want that can walk away. Nothing wrong w either a woman or man having multiple partners as long as exclusivity isn’t promised – I see it as another way of seeing if there is a connection in bed.
agreed.
i also share the same perspective.
June June June.Please stop dissing and generalising about the internet.In your quest for a younger man,that has been YOUR experience.I know too many people for whom it has been a rewarding experience.Generalisation is not fair to those who may be considering it and those for whom it has succeeded.Your-constant- message that the internet is a waste of time is plain wrong.
sliver , P , sliVer , although the devils can be as slithery as snakes , I know !