Dates Update

October 9, 2011 § 24 Comments

The date with PS was fine, only alas still no spark.  He is kind and friendly and I tried and tried to fancy him, I really did.  I kept saying to myself that surely it’s better to be with someone who’s already convinced than to try to be with someone who is far from it and needs convincing, which is the case with LS and could be soul-destroying.  Throughout my few hours with PS, I kept trying to force it, the fancying, because he is so nice and companionable and keen, but it just wouldn’t come.  I said to myself, maybe it doesn’t matter, just go along with it and see.  But still it would not happen.  Nothing doing.  I tried a second time.  I failed.  I don’t think a third time would be fair on him.  Disrespectful and unkind.  So I am going to have to think of something to say, honest but kind, not sure what yet, not very good at this (so little practice).  But that has to be the end of the matter, or all the unkinder I will be, and I couldn’t live with that.  (Though, if according to my tactless friend in Men With So Many Women he is seeing a whole chain of women as every other man under the sun appears to be, perhaps I needn’t worry overly much about his feelings, but I honestly don’t think he is?  Who knows?  And it is my nature to worry about other people’s feelings.  Well, most of the time.)

Smidgen texted out of the blue yesterday as I knew he might.  My Times column (posted here last Tuesday) said that I feel a certain ambivalence on this score now, but on reflection, perhaps it has legs as a slow burner.  There is a great deal to be said for Smidgen.  I like him.  Very funny and easy-going.  My generation (which I realise now is a serious bonus); a couple of years younger, even, kaboom!  Local (the convenience is not to be sniffed at).  Not a flagrant multi-shagger, as far as I know (there again, what does one ever know?); hard-working; down-to-earth.  Funny.  I said that.  Sometimes very funny.  Etc.

Meanwhile, the pretext for contacting LS has materialised and there is quite a serious prospect of seeing him soon in a wonderful, adventurous, way-out-of-my-comfort-zone context.  I may not be able to pull it off but the miraculous, gorgeous, adorable, thoughtful, couldn’t-do-without-her Janey and another (male) friend who several months ago singled him out as the man for me, are with me on a mission to make him see the light of my perfection – not per se, I’m not quite that boastful – but perfection for him.  Should know in a few days and will, natch, pass on the news, good or bad.

Meanwhile, you may or may not – depending on whether you are a supporter or troll – be relieved to hear, I have put the bread knife away.  For another day.  Joke!

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§ 24 Responses to Dates Update

  • jane says:

    Ewww- good luck with that then. It has to be done for sure, but how DO you tell someone that ..actually this thing won’t be going any further, thank you. Finding just the right point between making sure you leave them with no hope (kindest in the long run) and not totally emasculating them. ‘It’s not you it’s me’…’I don’t think I am quite ready for another relationship’…..’I have too much going on to really give this the attention it deserves’…. all pretty grim and no-one is fooled by them. Still at least it shows you have made the effort to make up an excuse rather than just letting it ‘fizzle out’ or keep putting them off until they get fed up (and how cruel is that approach?) and behaved as decently as possible in the circumstances

  • june says:

    Well youve more prospects than me plankton, cause i dont have a blind bloody one.

    Yes last night round my friends was nice, my friend is a lovely by nature as well as looks, kind person,she has had lots of tragedy in her life, but she hasnt let it affect her, she has a nice easy going husband and a lovely little daughter.Her and her husband have a good relationship, you can feel the good vibes from them. But o dear my other friend, and partner,yes he came, the tension you could cut with a knife, she picked me up and in the car you could feel it. His kids were there to, one of them has been a total pain recently, but now as she always does my friend is papering over the cracks.pretending til the next time, god knows how she can keep doing it, but shes been doing it for 6 years now. Well you cant blame her who the hell wants to be a plankton, i am sure as hell getting tired of it. How do you feel with couples, do you feel a mixture like me of feeling happy they like you enough to want to include you in couple occasions and god why cant i have someone too, then i wouldnt feel odd. I love all my friends dearly but i do sometimes wonder are they including me to be kind, Do though prefer it to sad singles groups,like the social group i belong to where everyone seems to drink too much to hide their lonliness. That is just too depressing for words, as these groups never seem to have any fanciable men, and as you say that is important and you cant bloody make yourself fancy someone can you! like you ive tried hard, but if there is no spark,there is no spark..

  • Man Fifty says:

    My advice is to be as honest as you can, without being unkind. Only you can judge the balance. However, don’t forget that if you like him, but don’t fancy him, you can still continue to socialise as friends.

    By the way, I’m genuinely delighted that you now find yourself in the position to be able to make such a choice. But does your recent dating success not rather undermine the original premise of this blog?

    I hope and trust that your early elevation from from the sea floor, or wherever plankton swim, will inspire and motivate some of your other mid-life female to get back out there and start dating again.

    By the way, the majority of middle-aged men are neither SFAR nor sharing their affections with a coterie of women friends.

    • Man Fifty says:

      Whoops, I meant female correspondents, of course. Apologies for attempting to type on my phone whilst standing on the train!

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you, but just because I have one man interested in me (whom I don’t fancy), and I fancy someone else (you can fancy someone and still be a plankton; in fact, that is part of what it is to be a plankton) who probably hasn’t even clocked me, doesn’t elevate me from planktonhood. Even Smidgen isn’t really a prospect. It’s all just spinning, because there’s nothing else to do. So it is, I am still 100% a plankton, the original Plankton indeed, till the man of my dreams meets me, we fall in love with each other, and he actually does something about it (ie. decides he wants actually to be with, even marry me). Till then, a plankton through and through alas. Best wishes, Still-Plankton

      • Man Fifty says:

        Yes, I understand, of course. But does the man that you fancy know that you’re interested? Have you made it clear to him? In my humble opinion, most men are totally hopeless at reading or interpreting subtle femine hints and suggestions.

      • The Plankton says:

        To be fair, there hasn’t been much chance. I have only met him once and now he is far away. But I am working on it. Best, Plankton

  • Lydia says:

    I agree with Man F. You have to be very obvious with many men.My last boyfriend said on our first date I didn’t see keen. I don’t see how save for thrusting myself physically at him I could have shown it more.

    On the don’t find him attractive issue I tried that and it didn’t work. The feeling never came. What is the issue with that? If it’s just the clothes he wears that can be fixed. There’s someone I know who might be okay if he got his teeth fixed and totally changed his clothes.

    May be tell him you’re not feeling the right chemistry. Is it because of something he can solve or something that no end of new clothes or going to nicer restaurants or whatever would change?

    • Man Fifty says:

      Three ways to indicate to a man that you’re interested:
      1. Flirt (a lot).
      2. No, that’s not enough. Flirt some more.
      3. Nothing? OK then, pounce!

      • kidrock says:

        Put out on the 1st date?
        For me that is a good sign she is interested.

      • Lydia says:

        Now, now you two. Let’s keep calm. No putting out on the first date (unless you think it’s for keeps and I never would anyway. You wear steel knickers on a first date.

        It’s unpredictable. One man said he was sure I found him attractive because of physical signs and I certainly did not find him remotely attractive.

        I would never pounce.

        However I do think it’s worth saying if you’re keen on a man so then he knows. What I don’t like is those who ask me abou t 5 minutes into a first meeting with them how they are doing as if they were in some kind of trial or competition.

      • kidrock says:

        When it comes to dating, I believe there are no rules.
        Sorry Lydia, people who seem to think there are rules are simply deluding themselves.

  • Chris says:

    Wow, congratulations on your frenzy of anticipated dating activity which I feel is reflected in your somewhat frenetic writing style in this piece. Just one small teeny tine question naggeth in the remotest recesses of my slothful male brain. Just what percentage of middle aged men would you classify as SFAR ? I mean that would give us a ball park figure for the number of guys you consider ‘ out of your game ‘ and maybe put your fabled man shortage into some context.

  • John Dickson says:

    Miss P I fear that you appear to be forming opinions on these mere males after one or maybe two “dates”. From my experience we tend to be on our best behaviour on the first date and usually do and say what we feel the lady may like to see and hear. It takes a few dates to get under our skin and find out what the real man is all about. Yes he may be a serial adulterer or he may just be Mr Right. You have to give it a chance. Have you decided what you want?

    • MissM says:

      When it comes down to whether you feel like you fancy someone, if you don’t you don’t and that is all there is to it. If a woman does fancy a man even a little bit then she will be happy to date him further and find what ‘the real man is all about’.

      Are you aware of any cases where a man has dated a woman he doesn’t fancy in the hope he will do so in time? Most likely he doesn’t ask her out at all. If a man simply doesn’t date a woman he doesn’t fancy at all, then isn’t it a little unfair to expect a woman to do so?

      It is just a fact of life that the people we fancy do not always fancy us back.

  • Zambesigirl says:

    Hello Plankton

    I do understand there’s nothing worse than willing yourself to feel the mojo of another, who is, very possibly, it on the dating horizon.

    And, I agree, you just cannot fabricate the stuff.

    Thought you might enjoy the following link about the man desert in New Zealand. Absolutely tickled pink that only 51% of the male marrying eligibles surveyed thought it important a prospective wife/partner had a high school qualification. Yes! Not university. High School. Oh the years I wasted! Should have been perfecting the highlights.
    http://i.stuff.co.nz/life-style/5754668/Men-outnumbered-but-still-picky

    • MissM says:

      Well not so far over in Australia I am having trouble finding a man that has even a high school qualification himself, I guess that would explain why they don’t think it is important.

      • Lydia says:

        London is full of clever men. There is nothing as erotic as a good brain and fast mind mmmm.

      • Man Fifty says:

        Lydia, at the risk of unleashing a veritable avalanche of comments, I’m delighted to learn that you prefer the delights of a fast mind, to the attractions of a fast car….!

    • AMJ says:

      Unfortunately that article from stuff.co.nz is tripe, as it has simply used dodgy stats drawn from an internet dating site, applied different criteria to the sexes (i.e. compared single childless men who earn over $60,000 p.a. with ALL single women registered with profiles in the same age bracket) to produce a sensationalist outcome so that it looks like the man drought is far dryer than might be indicated by some credible stats from, say, the Department of Statistics, based on census figures. I read it on the weekend and it made me despair of NZ journalism

  • Zambesigirl says:

    Addendum: enjoying some of the comments on that link – very “on” topic. And for those with nothing better to do (like me), you’ll detect a perjorative view about NZ women weaving through the thread. It seems it’s not enough to move to Australia to get ahead, you actually have to be Australian. Oh dear.

    Plankton, of no real consequence, but one less obstacle nevertheless.

    Best…

  • Dawn says:

    So let me get this straight. We have to show men we like them so they’ll know. But if we seem to eager, we put them off because they like the thrill of the chase.

    It’s a miracle any of us EVER find a partner.

    Good luck with LS and Smidgeon. Would love to see you spoiled for choice.

  • Dawn says:

    too. too eager. *sigh*

  • DAN says:

    Good, put it in the drawer, and leave it there !

    The knife that is .

    Dan.

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