The Perversity of the Female – well, this female’s – Mind

October 12, 2011 § 30 Comments

I am now going to be fatally honest – setting myself up for a massive shouting down, I am – and anyone is at liberty to despair of me.  In fact, I demand you despair of me because frankly that is what I deserve.  But I am saying it just to test that I am not the only one who can at times be a little perverse?  And is it really so unforgivable?

I wrote and thanked Poppy Seed for the last date – the man to whom I was wondering how to say thanks but no thanks because he seemed so keen and I wasn’t – but he has not been back in touch.  Of course, he would only have got my – very appreciative – card yesterday and it’s early days but, you know what, I am very faintly vexed.

There!  I said it!  It’s out!  The ludicrous perversity of the female – well, this female’s – mind.  Shoe’s a bit on the other foot now, isn’t it?  Well, you had it coming to you, Plank, with your arrogant dismissal.  But it wasn’t really arrogant, unless it’s arrogant not to fancy someone, was it?  I don’t think so?  Still, my current slightly unsettled feeling of him possibly rejecting me, before I rejected him, is bristling with me a little.  I guess it serves me right.

Sorry, ignore me.  Wednesday morning babble.  But with thoughts like that, I honestly don’t think I deserve a break like Long Shot suddenly getting in touch!

Smidgen, on the other hand, has been in touch again and has asked me to the cafe again in a few days’ time.  And I’m going to go, and what’s more I’m looking forward to it.

And I’m going to pile on the mascara this time.

Just see how we go…

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§ 30 Responses to The Perversity of the Female – well, this female’s – Mind

  • Amanda says:

    I’m a bit confused to why you send a man a card to say thanks for a date – maybe you now look overkeen. Or maybe things are different where I’m from – we just say thanks and give them a peck.

    On the point about rejection – it always hurts to know that anyone, whatever your feelings are towards them, have gone off you, it’s part of human nature unless you are very hard-hearted.

    But it is very early days – blame the post office or that he is still waltzing deliriously around his home clutching your letter to his chest. Then what are you going to do…

  • Oxonian says:

    I can’t help feeling that women are more susceptible to this kind of navel gazing when it comes to the vaguest hint of rejection. As a man I find it quite easy to shrug and walk away – whether that’s because of genes or the fact that men, as the ‘askers’, get used to it.

    • Lydia says:

      We don’t all. You just meet people and if it work it works. If not you have 1000 things to do with work and children every day and anyone with enough time to fuss about all this tuff needs to adopt 3 more children or double their working time.

  • John, a gentle man. says:

    Dear P,
    you are becoming, in my opinion, less plankton and more human.
    When I personally evolve, to being in the position to ‘cast the first stone’, I will let you know, until then you have my total empathy with not a whit of criticism.
    Why ? because you are being honest about what you are doing, even when you do not understand why you do it.

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you John. You are becoming more of a gentleman by the day. Best Px

      • John, a gentle man. says:

        Dear P,
        One day perhaps we will sit down and exchange posts. I hope then that I will turn out to be consistent in my views, BUT, I also hope that I will be man enough to admit when I have not. xx John

  • Jes says:

    Could it be that now you have a weekly column in The Times and are gathering a greater following online, you may, in fact, have been “recognised” by PS and co.?

  • MissM says:

    Seems like a perfectly normal reaction to me, but then I am female also. Who wouldn’t rather do the rejecting than be the rejected?

    Regardless of what PS might think of you I feel you deserve better than him anyway. What on earth is the point of having a man you don’t fancy? Not fancying someone is not bad behaviour, it is not bad manners, it is a feeling outside your control. What would be bad would be going along with him for the sake of the money, and if you had done that I would have despaired of you.

    Of course you still deserve a break like LS getting in touch, though at the moment Smidgen is sounding quite promising indeed.

  • Redbookish says:

    I don’t think you’re being either arrogant or perverse. You’ve behaved politely to PS, and although you’ve been blunt here in saying that he isn’t for you in romantic terms (frankly his age would put me off and I’m a bit older than you!), you’ve actually agonised a bit about whether you’ve been fair. You’ve treated him as you mint wish to be treated. He did the running, and you’ve sent him a “thank you” and he hasnt responded. I don’t think that’s being perverse. I think it’s being irritated at someone else’s lack of courtesy.

    Why should you expect less than standard politeness?

  • MissBates says:

    My money is on Smidgen!

  • Jude says:

    Hi. I’ve been reading yr blog avidly since the beginning and think its about time I posted a comment to say how much I enjoy it and often relate to it. The post when you and your friend were at a drinks do, had a few too many and took photos of you next to some bird in Tight White Jeans was bloody hilarious. In the ‘regular’ land of coupledom it probably seemed quite odd behaviour, but in the heat of the drink-fuelled moment I totally got it. Brilliant!
    Anyway, re the above post and lack of recent communication from PS – I don’t despair of you. We’re all human and want to be wanted, so I think your feelings are only natural. However, if you’re really not that bothered if you don’t see him again, don’t waste your time analyzing the situation, instead put all your energies into the mascara application for date with S. Hell, paint your nails and apply some lippy too. Good luck!

  • Jane says:

    Perfectly acceptable to be miffed and nothing to do with politeness, everything to do with being a perverse female. Probably bad to say it, but who doesn’t want to have the upper hand.

  • Erin says:

    I too wonder if PS has recognized himself in your column but hey, you gave it a few dates and the chemistry is not there. Personally I agree with the poster above who said he is not good enough for you. You still don’t know why he had a mistress (wife in a coma or just common cheating snake) and there could be major heart wrenching trust issues there. You did the polite thing and sent him a thank you note for the dinner and when he calls, you can politely explain that it is just not going to work for you, and case closed.

    Am loving your attitude re date with Smidgen and can’t wait to hear all about it!

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you. I find myself, unexpectedly and stupidly excited by the prospect, even though I am still holding a candle for LS. Perverse or what? Px

      • Erin says:

        Nope, not perverse, just hopeful. I just re-read your former entries about Smidge and compared to yesterday’s post. I do think he was putting out feelers very very gingerly in the past and quickly withdrew them when responded to with only “friendly” replies. Please P, on your date with Smidge, push aside all thoughts of LS and let your mind only concentrate on Smidge. Try not to compare the two. This is Smidgen’s chance now to be in the spotlight of your attention. Maybe the playful clownish giraffe will seem a lot more appealing when the aloof brooding lion is out of the picture for the afternoon.

        In our fantasies, we want Mr. Rochester but is he really what we need in reality? Would he fit in well with our children? Would he put our needs first? Would we ride the emotional rollercoaster with him time and time again? I think you know the answer to these questions.

        Am hoping upon hope that Team Giraffe prevails : )

      • The Plankton says:

        Thank you, Erin. You know, I am feeling very spoilt with all my commentators’ support! I really appreciate it. Px

  • Empress says:

    The hand written card wasn’t simply good manners, it was thoughtful and also avoided the “would you like to go out again?” factor that may have arisen had you called. I agree that you are not being perverse merely normal, who amongst us would not have been similarly miffed.

    As to Smidgen, lots of mascara, but light on the lippy, lipstick marks on glasses and cups can be very off putting to some men and invariably you only discover that when its too late. Enjoy it, relax and have fun.

  • Rory from Dublin says:

    You can’t have it both ways-you were not interested and then he lost interest so now you are pissed off-and even if he did come back in a day or so you would be still be more pissed off a she had his chance and he blew it-even though you were not actually interested and then still not go out with him, thus making yourself more pissed off as he lost interest anyway and you were not really that interested but how dare he be interested and then lose interest-the bastard!

    I crack myself up sometimes. Park your ego and decide that Mr Right now might just be better than waiting for Mr. Right then!

  • Chris says:

    Actually, Plankton, as a man I find your perversity rather charming. You see, you make a common mistake that so many other women make. You presume you know what is going on in a mans mind….and you don’t !! You think you had the signal that Poppy Seed was keen…..but was he ? This is the problem with modern dating for both sexes. Everybody is so busy playing the ‘ game ‘ they tie themselves up in knots and as a result never find the happiness of a proper relationship they so crave…..or do they ? If people really wanted permanent relationships they would form one with someone….someone that is who also wants them, not someone unattainable. If not permanent loneliness beckons. One last thought. None of us lives forever so at so point we have to compromise our ideal. I’ve compromised all my life and chosen from those I knew were available to me. I have hardly ever been lonely, but then my criteria are not demanding and in all fairness to myself never have been. Anyway, good luck as your quest progresses !!

  • Lydia says:

    Don’t be sexist. It’s terrible. There is a lot in common between men and women and anyone who is interested in someone even a bit who then finds that person has someone else is inevitably mildly put out. It’s just human nature, even if you didn’t want that person in the first place. I find this as much amongst men as women.

  • june says:

    Well yes perhaps plankton you are being bit perverse, but i know i am sometimes, and i am more of plankton than you,i have no men i am meeting, emailing chatting to, you have some irons in fire so to speak. I think when replied to the text of the man who told me he wanted a lover and said was i on my own cause i wouldnt sleep with someone on first meeting, or men just didnt fancy me, i expected him to text back and say, you are very attractive, just no vibes from me or something similar, when he didnt i felt quite deflated,although there was no spark with me either. But i would have met him again and hoped maybe next time might be a spark. I think planktoness sometimes makes you perverse, you clutch at straws however small as you dont like being alone so much and you wonder how the hell you are one who are,when everyone you seem to know has managed not to be.

    So bring out the mascara, the lippy, everything for the next encounter, . and be grateful you have even the faintest chance of meeting someone, something sadly lots of your many fans dont have.

  • EmGee says:

    I too am going through the have I, or have I not been rejected’ feelings, so I empathize fully with your anxiety.

    However, a thank you card in and of itself does not imply a response is expected back, yes? Or for all you know, he has tenderly put it up on his mantle to gaze at affectionately, and fondly remember the evening in question and that you thought enough of it to thank him in such a personal way.

    So expecting a response from your note may not be realistic, but hoping for more interaction is. Just be wary of your motive – you aren’t looking simply for validation are you? I would find it quite understandable if the male visitors to this blog would be a put off by the implication that you don’t want him, just his continued attention while you wait for LS or Smidge to come around.

    However, I am sure your intentions are pure, and you are just willing to give PS more time to light your fire.

  • Geoffrey says:

    I agree with Empress on make-up. Mascara is fine, but too much glossy lippy is dangerous and as for a heavily made up face with cakes of powder – no thank you! After all, if things progress one could be waking up next to one’s partner before she has time to slap make-up on at all. Women should rely more on their natural beauty – if you can get away with just a little moisteuriser, that shows real confidence. My view is that the more make-up applied, the more a woman has to hide.

    • EmGee says:

      I agree with Geoffrey and Empress. Usually I go without, but on a date, at most, I put on a little powder, a little concealer, and blush. Sometimes a little mascara, but I am prone to smudging regardless of brand. I do feel like I am wearing a mask if I go the whole route, and eventually it either melts off, or the wrinkles it is meant to conceal are accentuated. I figure wysiwyg, when you asked me out in the first place, it ought to be good enough. Once again, maintaining that mask is hard, expensive work.

      I don’t think a woman necessarily has something to hide under too much make up, but I do think there may be issues with low self esteem.

    • Jane says:

      hahahaah…that’s hollow laughter! this comment is spoken like a true man! the ‘natural’ look works fabulously if you are young and dewy and gorgeous to start with, if you are not it just looks like you can’t be bothered. As the years progress you can end up looking old, tired and a lot of other uncomplimentary things besides if you don’t give your face a little bit of a helping hand, I agree ladling it on with a trowel isn’t good, but a clever bit of dabbing and pencilling, doesn’t do anyone any harmand by the time you get to the waking up together au naturel hopefully they will be so knocked ou tby you that it won’t matter, but in the early stages, make up is th way to go.

  • Bambi says:

    Ah, the handwritten thank-you note – a subject dear to this poster’s heart.
    See the link below – article inspired by a thank-you note received for a mere pizza dinner!

    http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/finance/2011/0307/1224291484489.html

    Good on you, Plankton. Shows class! I bet PS was well pleased to receive it – but there is really no need for him to “reply” so please do not be vexed. Alternatively, he may be a little upset at your rejection and may just be processing that….

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