A Richesse of Nothingness

October 26, 2011 § 19 Comments

The emails I have received today from the kidnap negotiator are a plankton’s dream come true.  I thought I had heard the last of him and suddenly, out of the blue, I get a couple of emails asking me to join him in some nebulous country where he currently is and promises to look after me, and telling me that he is thinking of selling his house and buying one a cup cake’s throw from where I live.

If I was in love with this man I would be having palpitations of a sort that were handful-of-times-in-a-life-time-uncontrollably-wonderful.  If I had had the equivalent email from Long Shot, I wouldn’t now be able to breathe, the adrenalin would be at full pump and I would not be sensible.  In fact, I would be so overcome, I would have to lie down, and stay supine for several days till someone had the wit to pass me the smelling salts. I would have regressed to the absurd teenager I once was and still – alarmingly but not regretfully – have it in me to be, and I would be thinking that I was absolutely destined to be his wife, it was only a matter of time.

As it is, the emails coming from KN as opposed to LS have left me going about my normal bollocks with the faint feeling that at least someone is interested but, because it’s not the right someone, it’s business as usual.  Cup of coffee with a girlfriend round the corner; changing some sheets; spot of work; bite to eat; an easy-going response without labouring over every word and comma and dash and full stop because I am not concerned about the far-away effect, just want to be practical and friendly.

How is it that the greatest sod’s law about Sod’s Law is that it is so effing consistent?  I mean, of course it was going to be another text from Poppy Seed and a potentially life-changing email from Kidnap Negotiator, a mixed message from Smidgen and total fucking silence from Long Shot.

Slaughter me, do, for having all this choice, and for being so fucking tricky and spoilt and choosy and twinkle-rich, when many a plankton has quite nothing (it’s Bus Law, I promise; for so long I had less than nothing).  But if you don’t fancy someone and you have tried and tried but can’t help yourself, any amount of unfanciable suitors are as good as nothing in many ways, I promise you.  No, that’s not fair, of course it gives, in Reception language, a warm and fuzzy feeling to an extent, but the wham bam punch to the solar plexus romantic equivalent of a cyclone eludes me still.

I spoke to BF yesterday who is new to the game of female spinning and embracing it with admirable gusto and massive talent and enthusiasm.  He is needing to email LS and is wondering whether or not to tell him that I am invited to stay with the BFs at the same time that he (LS) is?  We pondered this one and have consulted Janey too.  We have all agreed that LS must not know because if he declines the invitation after all and then BF invites him for Easter instead, it is better that LS doesn’t think I was invited both times at the same times that he was or he may smell a rat…Keep up…BF originally thought he should drop it into the email in passing that I was going to be there but when I explained my logic he declared me a genius.  I told him I had been in this game for many a decade.  He has a lot to learn, but he is learning fast.

It is not total Nothingness.  My children may be away at the moment and I miss them to kingdom come, but at least I am blessed – still counting! – with the most fantastic friends and the odd twinkle, even if they are not the right ones.


§ 19 Responses to A Richesse of Nothingness

  • Elle says:

    Why so fussy? You could always join KN for a week or even a weekend wherever he is and see if things develop further. You have more options than most of us by the looks of things.

  • drchick says:

    Like you say… even the twinkles (if not the right ones) are nice… just take care of your heart when the fools come a rushing in!

  • Barry says:

    I kinda guessed that when the right offer …indeed ,ANY offer came along ‘ you would CHOKE. The whole facade of “planktonism” is now exposed for what it is …… “I am not worthy”
    Spare us your pitiful mewling and get laid fer gawds sake …try it …you may like it , and it’s got to be better than pretending there is no one on this earth you fancy ….properly .

    • Elle says:

      Barry, anybody including a plankton can get laid, particularly if the man is drunk. The problem we face is finding somebody who is in the full of their senses and doesn’t just want to string us along and play with us like little boys played with conkers in days gone by.

  • MissBates says:

    I don’t even remember who Kidnap Negotiator IS, but surely a flirtacious/suggestive msg must boost the spirits somewhat!

  • Margaux says:

    Barry – if only it was that simple. Female sexuality just doesn’t respond the same way. You either fancy someone or you don’t. If the KN doesn’t get the Plankton’s hormones going – there’s not a lot she can do about it.
    No point in accepting an offer just because it’s there!

  • EmGee says:

    So, Are you going?

  • Josephine says:

    Know where you are coming from, have had this guy (quite a bit older than me) madly in love with me for the last 4yrs, he is a lovely man, has homes in London, France & Switzerland, Has promised to take care of me & marry me, we meet quite often through my work, but like you I dont fancy him, there is no chemistry there, some people just dont get it, its not about finding a man, its about finding the right one, after all anybody could be with somebody.

  • june says:

    As you say plankton so many of us have nothing at all, think yourself lucky, but if you dont fancy him you dont.

    Personally as a sufferrer of SAD something my plankton state makes even worse,i am contemplating the long winters nights alone and its not pleasant so even a smallish twinkle, such as you have would be nice.

  • Geoffrey says:

    I am reminded of my granny’s favourite phrase – “set a sprat to catch a mackerel”. KN does seem more like a red herring but I would not have been put off Smidgen just because he brought a friend along – just treat it as a challenge to get him on his own next time. If you put all your (caviar) eggs in LS’s basket then disappointment surely beckons. Better to be actively seeking out other company before you hear of his decision about Christmas and then it won’t seem so momentous either way.

  • Lydia says:

    I don’t think you can really coujnt the ones you are not attracted to unless you think that if you see them a few more times you might get more into them. If you are sure you won’t then don’t waste time on them. I don’t.

    I would count that as one man you are attracted to. The others are interested in your but you don’t want them so don’t mess them around by keeping them hanging on strings. I tend just to say I’m sorry, it’s not working as I did to someone tonight. Whilst it might be flattering to have people showing interest if you know it won’t work just cast them off.

  • Elle says:

    Every twinkle is a star until proven otherwise.

  • Aidan says:

    Maybe one of the problems with KN, given the nature of his job it might mean a long term move to Baghdad or Somalia. Still some sort of involvement with the world of Somali pirates would liven life up a bit, never a dull moment with that lot.

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