Cleavage, Heels and Flattery

October 27, 2011 § 36 Comments

My tactless friend has told me that a plankton of certain renown in her circle has found herself on her own in her early fifties and has le tout London after her.  Someone else has told me that this paragon has no fewer than eight men circling and I am thinking, how the fuck…? How she does it according to my TF is straight-forward and threefold: cleavage, heels and flattery.

A thread of comments on this blog has recently concerned the sartorial choices of plankton.  I have not waded in myself because I cannot get myself overly worked up about clothes.  Not terribly interested, but if I am on the pull, as I think we used to call it in my twenties, then I push the boat out as much as I can.  I seem to remember owning one or two Result dresses.  Only the other day I wore a new little black dress to meet Long Shot, nothing too OTT for a weekend afternoon; simple.  It was groovy and sexy but not out-and-out-mutton-dressed-as-lamb.  I had worn it a couple of times and it had given rise to many compliments, and did indeed on the day from someone who hadn’t seen me for ages and raved about how I looked, so I must have been doing something right even if LS himself didn’t exactly openly marvel (though I wouldn’t have expected him to, on first meeting).  I had a better cleavage in my youth before weight loss and breast-feeding, but I can still bring it on with the aid of a good bra.  Having never exposed it to the sun, it is still quite youthful, and thankfully doesn’t look like the surface of cooling gravy, yet.  (Never room for complacency; never say never!)  I’m not very good at heels.  One lover, a transvestite, asked me to put some on during sex.  I brought out the highest pair I had but he was disappointed, told me his were higher.  These days I have a couple of pairs and wear them when necessary, even though they invariably cripple me.

So I can do cleavage and heels with the best of them, which brings us to flattery.  I can do that too.  Flatter, flatter, flatter.  Gift of the gab, bit of the blarney, call it what you will.  I can talk the talk; course I can.  And I always love asking them a million and one questions about themselves and actually enjoy listening to the answers (now, there’s a talent!).   And men seem to lap it up.  But maybe successful-lady-in-her-fifties is doing CHF in a way that I am not, because fuck all good it’s ever done me.  I mean, it hasn’t exactly been working for me, somehow, otherwise I wouldn’t be in this plankton position, would I?  LS and Smidgen, for whom I have done a good deal of CHF, should by rights, and if she’s anything to go by, have fallen for me hook, line and the rest, and would now both be beating a path and fighting over me, ho hum. I haven’t made quite such an effort to cripple myself and truss my tits up like a turkey and flatter for Europe when it has come to PS and KN, and it doesn’t seem to have deterred them.

Men, eh?  Fucking weirdos. Give me another 47 years and I still won’t have got to the bottom of them.

Still, I had better start on a dedicated program from now on of jostle, jostle; clicketty-clack; flatter, flatter.  Like this CHF specialist lady in her fifties, whatever she’s doing.  Like there’s no tomorrow.


§ 36 Responses to Cleavage, Heels and Flattery

  • june says:

    Well plankton, i adore clothes always have, have far too many, and precious good its ever done me in the man stakes, and always wear heels when out, again utter waste time, and yearsof HRT have given me a cleveage i didnt have one before but again no luck .

    8 men and in her 50s dear god she must be doing something right, perhaps your friend could have a chat with her and find out exactly what her secret is, she could market it, make a fortune, there are so many of us planktons out there!.

  • Sarah says:

    That’s exactly what men say about us women. “Women, eh? They’re all nuts!”

    Of course, your tactless friend might have been exaggerating a wee bit, or not know the whole story, and Ms CHF might be sobbing into her industrial strength gin every night.

  • Lydia says:

    I don’t know if it’s high heels and cleavage. I have certainly suggested it before now on here when I was trying to distinguish between plantkon and those with lots of male interest. May be it’s just how you feel as well.

    I like radiators not drains. I think I am optimistic and happy and life is good and men are great. May be that’s attractive.

    However most of us want a sexual relationship so being attractive on both sides does matter. If you think about sex a lot and are sexy then I suspect that is attractive to men

  • Elle says:

    Heels, cleavage, flattery… and a hefty divorce settlement from her ex-husband or hefty inheritance from her late husband, whatever the case may be.

    That would be more like what’s drawing the men to her!

  • MissBates says:

    I agree re the “CHF” route, and I avoid dowdy like the plague. But here’s the thing: much like the old philosophical riddle of the “tree that fell in a wood and made no sound because there was no one to hear it,” if I put on the heels and display the boobs and am poised to flatterflatterflatter, but there’s NO ONE to see the heels/boobs and no object of flattery, where does that get me? I go to a fair number of events at which “CHF” is the appropriate attire/attitude –i.e., opening night at XYZ theatrical event, or a benefit dinner for the blahblah charity, and I clean up well, if I do say so myself. I am attending just such an event in couple of weeks, and it happens that a good friend of mine (married forever) is on the board of the organization and is planning certain aspects of the evening, including the dinner placement. “WHERE am I going to put you!?” she wailed the other day when we were having lunch, as though I am infected with the Ebola virus. That provided the opportunity to go over the guest list with her, and of the 90 attendees, there is not one (Not. One.) single heterosexual man of any age, EXCEPT for the honoree, a world-renowned person in his field; famous, in fact, with a decent-sized following of (non-plankton) stage door groupies. The spots on either side of him are (properly) being allocated to the organization’s major donor and the wife of the U.N. ambassador from the country in which the organization throwing the event is based. I expect I will be seated at a table near the kitchen, between an aging gay man-about-town who will be as disappointed in his placement as I am, and a very married man whose pregnant wife is glowering at me from the other side of the table. Seriously — the push-up bra might as well have the night off, and if I owned sensible shoes I could probably get away with wearing them. But I won’t, because “you never know.” Although in fact I DO know, and it’s bleak.

    Oh well, at least the CHF provides a diversion for my doorman, who ogles me departing for and returning from such events solo. Always solo.

    • The Plankton says:

      Dear Miss Bates, You are SO RIGHT. Your story is the story of my life. I have been to two small gatherings recently, of married couples and me, so no amount of effing cleavage and ten foot heels would of been of the faintest use. And that’s just the gatherings in the past week. It’s never any different. I often think, should I BE somewhere else? But where? px

      • Man Fifty says:

        Hi Plankton, Pedant here, nevermind the cleavage.. watch your grammar… perhaps “would’ve” or “would have” might’ve been better than “would of”…? Just a thought… I know it’s difficult to believe, but some of us really do appreciate a woman’s mind over and above her breasts or shoes..!

      • The Plankton says:

        Fair point. A howler indeed. I am appalled at my slip. But I have been writing every single day for around 110 days, so perhaps I can be forgiven? Best, Plankton

    • Lydia says:

      Why are you going? I just avoid any social event I might not enjoy and stay home and work or am with the children. I would prefer to spend time with a single man on a first date or a even a second one. If everyone there is married why not duck out of that event and spend an evening with a man instead?

      • Sarah says:

        I think you must have missed the bit where Miss Bates mentions there are no single available men in NYC. Backed up, I have to say, by a friend of mine who lives there.

      • Lydia says:

        Well even so why go if you aren’t going to like it? Take a cheap flight to a bit of the US where there are men. Go somewhere like a country area and visit a sheep show or something where loads of country men wanting wives probably hang out.

  • And what do you hope that these guys wear?

    Ah yes, that’s what I thought, you’ll probably hardly even notice, unless it is particularly torn or noticeably unwashed…

  • submodal says:

    I expect she is talking dirty 🙂

  • fi says:

    That’s whAt the other blokes on here (and Lydia) have said works. If it doesn’t work for you maybe you’re not doing it right? Am thinking of giving it a shot myself

  • Rory from Dublin says:

    As a hot blooded man heels and cleavage will get my attention, as will LBDs. However I do see beyond that too and am interested in brains too.

    But on a base level heels and cleavage will hook most men of a certain level intelligence-we are very visual creature for the most part! Would love to see the pics of said heels and cleavage and the LBD too-see-like I said-visual creatures us men!

    • Elle says:

      No need to look for pics Rory. Just go out any night in Dublin and you’ll see heels, cleavage and LBDs aplenty.

      Maybe this is the problem, the men are too busy looking at pics on the web and aren’t actually going OUT…???

  • A guy’s perspective, if you’re interested-

    There do exist some of us who actually see through the flattery routine pretty quickly- Yes, it is in fact, well… flattering- However, if someone whom you’ve only met once or twice before starts telling you that you’re just really so good at just so many things… Think about what that would look like to you if a man whom you’ve only met once or twice before starts saying that to you…

    • MissBates says:

      I think maybe a better term than “flattery” is “interested.” I myself think flattery can be a bit see-through, whereas “interest” — real or feigned — can be a powerful attractor in any social situation.

  • anniebub says:

    I think whoever it was who said if you’re feeling sexy then you’ll be looking sexy is right. So it doesn’t really matter how much is on display if you not giving off the right vibes, and you might as well feel comfortable in your skin, in what you like to wear. I am pretty sure you have your own very distincive style in any case. By the way, I wanted to ask a few blogs back about the Smidgeon date, what was Simon like? Did you give him the once over or were you just so irritated by his presence that you didn’t take him in? When I was young I thought I fancied a very good-looking boy who was hanging around quite a bit, and wasted a lot of time mooning over him, but he always brought a friend with him. Then it turned out it was the friend, who I had hardly given a second thought to, who was the one who declared his love, and blow me down, the scales dropped from my eyes in moments, and I realised I had been blind all the while, and here was this extraordinary, wonderful person, (far more interesting than the other one), with whom I instantly fell totally in love. And of course, he then broke my heart…

    • The Plankton says:

      Dear Anniebub, Alas, I didn’t think much of Simon and anyway I think he has a girlfriend or wife, and is aeons younger and all in all not the man for me (nor me the woman for him!). But thank you for the thought and for the story – which I thought was going to end happily, and then…I’m sorry. Smidgen is away at the moment, but I promise to keep you posted of any developments on his return. Very best wishes, Px

      • anniebub says:

        Oh bother. Then bang goes that theory. And Smidgeon must remain a smidgeon, for the time being. Hmm. It is back to the waiting game again. I know how this is, especially at this time of year, when, for some reason everything else is feeling so fruitful and romantic, Hell’s teeth, this is a tough place to be; measuring out one’s life in coffee spoons and all that. Something has to happen soon..surely.

    • EmGee says:

      “if you’re feeling sexy then you’ll be looking sexy is right.”

      Very true! Although it helps to have the right attire (flattering, not necessarily revealing) to encourage the mindset. Some nights I am just ‘not on’, no matter what I wear.

      • T Lover. says:

        I speak as a bloke who buys trolleys in packets of five for a fiver from ASDA and laughs at blokes who use aftershave. I like a quality (hair) cut – it shows a girl has class. I cannot find the quote but it runs along the lines – the further the bust sticks out the further brain recedes.

        On the way to the bank I take a shortcut through the make-up department.

        Aside. Bonus: there is the most stunning (natural) blonde behind the something or other counter. Caveat: she opens her mouth and you are back to earth with a big bump.

        On the way back I walk one level up and enter the shop in the ladies underwear department before taking the down escalator.

        The point: I giggle to see these women sampling expensive perfume and having their faces larded with different colours of paint by earnest assistants. I marvel at the range of contraptions designed to alter the shape of women’s bodies.

        Men and women have been falsifying their appearance since at least the middle ages, reference Troll: “The History of Underclothes”. Before that woad? The dog has a daily roll in something foul.

        I was desperate to have a Trollish swipe at the absurdity of our behaviour (confession, women’s behavour) but have come to wonder whether this correspondent, EmGee, is right. Is it what you feel about yourself?

        Or might I pull the new woman for whom I am desperate by using an enormous codpiece on my next trip to the supermarket?

        PS. How do girls handle stage two? No pun intended. When she discovers that that department is not quite what she thought when she spotted me in the frozen food aisle?

      • EmGee says:

        My personal feeling is that it is one thing to look one’s best, but ‘false advertising’ is a slippery slope. As a rule I avoid perfumes, but I have a nice scented body lotion or 2 and often men compliment me on how nice I smell. I rarely wear make up, but when I do, when I am going ‘out’ I use a little concealer, powder, blush, mascara if I am confident it won’t wear out before the night does.(it is part of dressing up to go out, same as wearing nicer clothes, spending a little more time on hair etc)

        I don’t wear dresses, unless the occasion absolutely demands it, I am a casual person, with an average body type for my age (ie, I would like to lose about 10-15 lbs). I have found plenty of clothing at Victoria’s secret that is quite sexy, but don’t reveal the bits that at my age (unless you work out every day at the gym and are buff) should never see the light of day, like upper arms.

        Perhaps what I really need in a man is a podiatrist. I am 5′-8″ and the very idea of wearing high heels makes my feet and back ache. While men are attracted to women in heels, I on the other hand, do not have hammer toes or other foot deformities, nor do I have any issues with my back, legs, or varicose veins. I think if there is one thing I take umbrage at when it comes to appeasing men, is women’s willingness to cripple themselves by wearing high heels.

        So to answer your question about 2nd base/stage 2 – well, in my case even if you hit a home run, what you wake up to the next morning pretty closely resembles what you went to bed with the night before. As far as ‘that department’ is concerned from my pov, it is all a part of the bigger package. Unless your nickname is ‘Stubby’, overall appearance is much more important, and I think most women would agree.

        While the male posters seem to primarily want 2 things on display: legs and cleavage.

  • june says:

    Im interested in this looking sexy stuff, plankton i always feel ive never been very sexy,possibly why ive never had much success with men.

    A year or so ago, i was talking to a man i used to go to school with so hes known me since i was 11. Hes happily married by the way. I asked him why he thought id never had much success with men as hed known me for years. He thought for a moment than said, june you are a nice person, attractive, have a nice body, very youthful, i would say of all the women who were in our class you have worn best , but, and you can feel the but coming cant you, you are just not sexy! well i did ask, and i told him i wanted the truth, seems i had all the material but it never came together, and if i couldnt attract ,men much when 20 how the hell do i expect to attract them now. So i dont think its to do with how you dress, whether you wear high heels, cleavage or anything else, youve either got it or you havent, and some of us havent.

    • fi says:

      Like Cliff Richard. On the face of it he should be sexy – worn well, good body, – but not sexy or attractive in the least.

    • Elle says:

      How rotten of him! Don’t believe a word of what he says. He hasn’t been a plankton for years wading through a dismal dating scene. It doesn’t say much for the state of his marriage either. He might “appear” to be happily married, but if he’s making remarks like that to you I wouldn’t be so sure. I wonder is he nice to his wife behind closed doors.

      Sometimes a change of scene can help. I remember a skiing trip last year where a huge gang of us went to Austria. OK, they’re not fussy in the apres-ski bars but there were all nationalities there – Irish, English, South African, German, Austrian and Dutch. Out of all the nationalities the Germans, Austrians and Dutch paid me the most attention. I came home from that holiday feeling sexier than I had in years. The effect wore off sharpish but it’s good to know that somewhere in the world men find me sexy.

      June, maybe you need to move somewhere people appreciate you.

    • Lydia says:

      It’s not just looks. It may even just be your testosterone levels. I don’t sport a beard (men will be pleased to know) but I’ve always thought mine were likely to be fairly high although theyhv’e never been tested. Indeed a good few women take testosterone including in their 50s. Read the Jane Fonda autobiography – she did into her 70s.

      Anyway I don’t take any hormones, never even been on the pill, don’t even drink. So if you are fairly sexy and I think you know if you are because a good proportion of the day you’re thinking about sex – that’s a good way to determine if that’s what you think; if you think of it as one of your best hobbies etc then you probably have “it”.

      There is no right or wrong about this. Lots of men and women are more or less sexually interested than others. However if you as a man as quite keen on sex then you probably want someone who is equally keen rather than tolerating it as the price to pay for being with you. Do you ile back and think of England or spend a good category of each day thinking up various scenarios etc.

      I think a good illustration of this principle is that Camilla Parker B was always much sexier than Princess Diana. The latter would have been better dressed younger etc but was not as into sex or as sexy. It’s hard to explain.

  • plumgrape says:

    I love the effort a beautiful woman with soul makes to select fabulous, sexy attire, a woman who wears super high heels and of course the mutually adoration party just adds to all fun and flare, but can you talk to Plankton, or is she just so hard to get as you get older that you have to fail by default? I find myself thinking “fucking women”, that’s what you hope they are, but are they coming, are they calling, can they reach for a phone after their short shrift and talk or be friendly? No, they are aloof, restrained and reserved, cold of heart, convinced they are right, know better and ever and ever more difficult to get.

    • fi says:

      It sounds like they don’t like you and you’re doing something wrong.

      • plumgrape says:

        The problem is the chat! Preconceived notions lead to impulsive responses that just do not weigh up. It’s probably something like a day traders response when you are thinking about something long term for your pension or even to run until death. You know, “until death us do part” and all that? Not much if you want short term gains in hours like a day trader and you intend to sell before youproblem. Thank you for your comment fi. Who are you? Can you tell me more if Plankton will allow, or does she have a monopoly on us patrons who love her?

  • Margaux says:

    Simon isn’t Smidgen’s werritty is he?

    just a thought ……

  • Chris says:

    ‘Twer I feel that kinda raised the heels and cleavage bit methinks, though not quite in the way you have spun it. Reading this piece there is one huge ingredient you could introduce into your mix. CHARM. Then again i get the feeling you rather enjoy being a waspish Plankton. I certainly find your venomous sharpness makes for a highly rewarding read.

  • […] Cleavage, Heels and Flattery « The PlanktonOct 27, 2011 … These days I have a couple of pairs and wear them when necessary, even though they invariably cripple me. So I can do cleavage and heels … […]

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