I Fucking Hate a Beard

October 28, 2011 § 60 Comments

Last night I went to a formal dinner party.  I don’t go to formal dinner parties.  Ever.  But last night I did because I was invited by some friends who are older than me.  Their children were my original friends, but they (the parents) moved into my street and have become friends but they lead a different kind of life, a dinner party sort of life, which is not me at all.  But I like them, so I went.

We were eight.  I was the youngest by about ten years or more and with my cleavage and heels at the ready, Just In Case.  I needn’t have bothered.  The other seven consisted of three married couples and a charming man with a comb-over whose wife lives and works abroad.  The male guests were aging – balding, large stomachs, man boobs, and their wives looked jolly beady.   The merry comb-over on my left was there without his wife.  They have been together for thirty-five years, but have spent, he has calculated, just eight together.  The recipe, he laughed, for the perfect and long-lasting marriage.  I have to say, I thought it sounded rather good.  I just need to persuade dyed-in-the-wool-bachelor Long Shot that I would be up for that, and he’d be sold.  But I am not sure how I can bring that up in early-days conversation with him – that’s if I ever bloody get the chance to have another conversation with him!  But that’s by the by.  I digress.  He was a good and kindly man.  The man on my right on the other hand, an expert in his field, which is not my field, was in every way not my kind of man.

I am going to be deliberately provocative.  He was wearing a short-sleeved shirt, which is one of my pet-hates on men, and he had a beard which is another, on a massive scale.

Can I talk about beards?  If men are allowed to say what it is they like and don’t like about women’s anatomies, then I can bloody well have a rant about beards.  I fucking hate them, and without exception.  No man in the history of the world has been improved by facial hair.  Even when Brad Pitt and George Clooney and whatever sex symbol you can think of grows a fucking beard, they look like shit and render themselves as unattractive as a baboon’s arse.  Beards are about as sexy as a doormat, and the greying beard is as bad as it gets.  Why do men do it?  Fed up with shaving?  Fine, if you want to repel every woman within a hemisphere.  I hate beards with a vengeance.  I am sorry, I just do.  And I have never met a woman who is turned on by one, really.  Oh, they might tolerate them, to facilitate a man’s laziness with a razor, but turned on by one?  Give me a fucking break!

And I am not the first woman to feel this way.  Beatrice in Much Ado was prompted to declare, “Lord, I could not endure a husband with a beard on his face!” So right.  And as the Greek saying goes, a beard signifies lice not brains. Schopenhauer had some fantastic words to say about the beard, but I cannot for the life of me find the quote (when I do, I shall give it to you, I promise).

Anyway, the portly man on my right had short-sleeves and a beard and I asked him a little question here and there and he was off for twenty minutes or so, before I prompted him with another little question and, lo, I could think about my own stuff for the next twenty minutes unencumbered by discourse.  On the other side of the table his wife looked haughty, and cross with life.  When I slipped away, I said my polite goodbyes, but not wishing to break up the “party”, I omitted to say goodbye to the beard.  I went upstairs to put on my coat and a moment later, he ran up the stairs after me calling my name breathlessly.  He came at me for a hug, and I got a full scratchy face-full of doormatty beard.  I fled into the night.

I am not sure why I am telling you this story.  It’s not relevant to being a plankton, and yet at the same time it is.  I am not saying it is important that I met a man with a beard.  So what?  I am not saying it is significant that he ran after me especially to say good night.  So what?  It was just a banal experience.  So why am I telling it?  No one else would.  And yet it is all-important, precisely because it is exactly the sort of experience plankton have, and somehow, though so small, it just serves to make them feel, what?  I don’t know.  Not sad or regretful, exactly, just this is like it is: a man with a beard gasping up some stairs.

No more.  No less.

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§ 60 Responses to I Fucking Hate a Beard

  • Non beardy says:

    That post just reminds me of the Twits by Roald Dahl, hopefully he did not have things in that beard from past meals 😉

    • The Plankton says:

      I couldn’t bring myself to look too closely to be honest! Who knows what lurked within. Dread thought. You are so right about The Twits. Reminiscent indeed! Best wishes, Plankton

  • Aggie says:

    Relevant or not, it is hilarious. ANY story from you is worth stopping everything to read. Which i do every time i see your post in my inbox. Thank you again.

  • Thomas M. says:

    Der Bart sollte, als halbe Maske, polizeilich verboten sein. Zudem ist er, als Geschlechtsabzeichen mitten im Gesicht, obszön: daher gefällt er den Weibern.

    Roughly translated: Beards, being in fact masks, should be prohibited by law. In addition they are, sex-indicators in the middle of faces, obscene. That’s why bitches like them.

  • I hate acrylic jumpers. You can be sure that the man for me, will invariably be wearing one.

  • fi says:

    Beards. Yuk.

  • Elle says:

    Apparently microbiologists who manage to grow the most micro-organisms on petri dishes all have beards.

  • Mark says:

    I just need to check: is it OK if I wear a long-sleeved shirt but then undo the cuffs and roll them up a bit? I prefer unencumbered wrists.

    Also, are you equally repelled by mustaches?

  • MissM says:

    Actually I have to confess I find a beard really sexy, as long as it is short, neat and deliberate looking, so that no remnants of past meals can be hidden within. I agree that facial hair that is just allowed to run feral and rampant is not very appealing.

    However a goatee is my ultimate favourite in male adornment and can make me swoon. Yes I admit I may well be weird. Perhaps you can keep the clean shaven ones for yourselves and pass me the men with goatees and we will all be happy.

    On a side note I have never seen a man go from sexy to truly dire so quickly as when Russell Brand decides to go clean shaven. Russell Brand ought never to be allowed to show his face in public without some facial hair.

  • Lydia says:

    Loads of women don’t date men with beards. I never do. However there is a typ of rather solid usually fairly low paid university types, sometimes who are quite clever in their own narrow way who do sports beards. I suspect some of them are lovely and make very good loyal husbands but they are not for me.

    I have so so so much to do that all this pointless socialising which just means you feel fed up, don’t meet men and don’t always enjoy it seems so very pointless. Surely a night in reading is more fun? Why not just ditch all the party stuff and relax and be at home or finding a man? It seems a very tedious very pointless social round.

  • Erin says:

    Unfortunately, this is a perfect example of a plankton evening and I’m sure after you left, the two men marveled to your host how they can’t believe such a great catch as you is not married. I’m surprised they didn’t say it to your face. If I had a quid for every time a married man said that to me when I was a plankton I would be a wealthy woman. I know it was a compliment and a sincere one, but it never made me feel better; as a matter of fact, had the opposite effect. You drive home alone while the rest of them make merry (because you are always the first to leave), wondering what the hell is wrong with you that if you are such a great catch, why no one has caught you yet. Hang in there, dear P. One thing a plankton has to become expert in is patience. It is hard, but has its rewards : )

    By the way, I don’t know any woman who likes a beard. I always think darker thoughts about what might be hiding in there. From the sour look on wifey’s face, guess we don’t have to worry about that one : )

  • Margaux says:

    Beards – let’s be honest- are prickly and scratchy -wherever you happen to have the misfortune to ‘feel’ them!

    I found this on a collection Schopenhauer quotes :

    “The beard, being a half-mask, should be forbidden by the police. It is, moreover, as a sexual symbol in the middle of the face, obscene: that is why it pleases women.”

    But – I think he got the last bit wrong!

    It’s a good story, P. The CWF obviously worked on your bearded pursuer. Think of it as a test run. At least you now know it works!

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you so much for finding me the quote. I’d only remembered the first bit and totally disagree, like you, with the second! Px

    • Thomas M. says:

      What a euphemistic translation. “weiber” even a hundred years ago was a somewhat derogatory term and “women” simply doesn’t catch this. “broad” or “chick” are a bit nearer to the idea.
      I guess Schopenhauer didn’t think very highly of weibers, especially those fancying uncultivated apes. 😉

      And I am sure he didn’t get the last bit wrong: the weibers of the age quite likely were attracted to beards. Which indicates that there is nothing objective about the rejection of this, in essence manly, feature.
      Just your personal idiosyncrasy that shows more about you than the bearded man.

  • LOL…how bloody unthoughtful of the human body to produce hair in places you don’t like . I don’t know how we progressed as a species before your direct ancestor demanded the invention of razors , So ,no beards , must dress , smell,be formed, behave and admire as your wierd moods take you ? Good luck …. slavery is still alive and well in the “Plankton World”, you really need a Spaniel methinks ….yeah , ‘course I have a beard ,wear short sleeved shirts ,and re-married at 62 to a wonderful Widow of 47 ……. hairy isn’t all bad …just natural .

    • The Plankton says:

      Maybe, but enough men out there demand that women shave in every conceivable nook and cranny also these days, so fair’s fair!

      • I win then…I married a French Woman ….shaving is definately optional , sometimes she does ,mostly she doesn’t . I love her for what she IS not what she looks like , and it MUST be recoprocal . I do hope you meet a man who is smitten by the REAL you , not your projection .

    • Lydia says:

      Everyone differs but lots of us do think beards are repulsive and the short sleeved shirt look is disgusting. All men of style know that and avoid the look.

      However there is someone for everyone even those with beards.

    • rosie says:

      Barry, I think you’re looking for the Daily Mail comment boards…

      • Sorry ,you lost me . We are all inspired by The Plankton log .I’ve never actually read the history of this Blog , I believe a Woman Friend put me onto it , but the descriptive writing, and wry ,bitter humour strikes a chord in us all it seems . I did laugh at the thought of this appearing in the Daily Mail….I’m a Grauniad man myself . (Of course …beard, short sleeves etc. lol)

  • MissBates says:

    As no woman under 50 can have pubic hair these days (thank you, porn industry) without being thought disgusting, then surely we can complain about male facial hair. I’m just saying.

    The dinner party sounds hellish, and just the sort of event I’m invited to and feel I cannot decline. While I never, ever expect to meet someone AT such a party, there’s always the tiniest chance that one of the other guests might know of someone who works with the cousin of the brother-in-law of an available age-appropriate heterosexual man. Sigh.

  • Sarah says:

    Beards – yuk. Never know what’s lurking inside.

    On the upside of last night, as least you weren’t either a) cooking or b) clearing up. I rarely say no to the offer of a meal I don’t have to cook!

  • How about goatees, sideburns and moustaches? Do you dislike all male facial hair, or just full beards?

  • Margaux says:

    Ah …you alluded to the pubic hair issue in one of your replies ..and the wonderful MissBates boldly gave it voice.

    It has only fairly recently come to my notice that, since the easy availibility of internet porn, women feel they have shave/wax it all off.

    Is this now a general requirement? Hope not – winter’s coming!

  • Margaux says:

    Ah …you alluded to the pubic hair issue in one of your replies ..and the wonderful MissBates boldly gave it voice.

    It has only fairly recently come to my notice that, since the easy availibility of internet porn, women feel they have to shave/wax it all off.

    Is this now a general requirement? Hope not – winter’s coming!

  • Chris says:

    Now I just love, a wonderful irrational diatribe against men with facial hair. I agree with you. If I were a woman I would hate having to grapple with a beardie !! But it does touch on a more serious point. Yet again you are dismissing a number of possible males, thereby further narrowing you dating pool. Poor chap probably grew the beard to mask some perceived shortcoming in his facial appearance, who knows. Anyway, I loved reading this. Should you ever meet a guy you fancy who has a beard , get him to shave it off, Or if he won’t get yer girlie mates to sit on him while you wax that beard away !! Should be good for a laugh if nothing else !!

  • Lydia says:

    It’s partly a class things too. Many of the better professions just don’t have men with beards. People with beards tend not to earntoo much or are a bit like a hippy so tend not to be attractive to most women. It also suggests laziness and lack of attention to detail and just looks plain horrible.

    Sometimes of course they grow them to cover an ugly face, spots or strange features.

    • MissBates says:

      Interesting observation! Now that I think about it, you’re absolutely right. Other than a couple of guys who grew beards to cover acne scars and/or a receding chin, I don’t know one doctor, lawyer, judge, banker, broker, accountant, architect, executive of any kind within my personal acquaintance who has a beard. There are two guys in my entire (large-ish) office w/ a beard: one of the paralegals, and one of the guys in the photocopy room.

      Hm. I will keep my eye peeled for any exceptions to this “rule.”

    • Chris says:

      ‘ People with beards tend not to earn too much……so tend not to be attractive to women. Wow, Lydia, you really let the cat outta the bag. So woman ARE heavily into money. Thank you, you just upped my learning curve !!!

  • june says:

    I am not keen on beards myself plankton, or moustaches either, i remember many years ago my father grew a moustache, my dad was fair, the moustache was ginger! my mum refused to leave the house with him and it was removed!

    Something else which struck me plankton, the age of these people you went to dinner with would you say 60s possibly . You can now see why i am a plankton and why i dont want to date men of my age! Most of them tend to resemble the man at the dinner party, large stomach, old mens clothes, no hair, you see where i am going here. I am told i look 10 years younger, have my own teeth, very good ones,, dye my hair and just because older women shouldnt, im growing it,everyone likes it, im a size 6/8, and do definitely not wear old ladies clothes. I am sorry but i really could not deal with that men like that in the intimate sense, id rather be a plankton. There is the odd attractive man round about my age, but they are usually in relationships, or as attractive can attract younger women.Where did this idea that men wear better than women come from, because it sure isnt true, i know lots of women i know very few men.

  • EmGee says:

    While I prefer clean shaven, men I have been with have from time to time, grown a moustache, van dyke, or neglected to shave for a few days. In fact, I think my ex bf would do the last deliberately when he wanted to be left alone. Why any man would think a woman desires getting rug burn on any part of her body is a mystery.

    As for shaving the private areas, does anyone out there reading this have much first hand experience on whether or not everyday women are shaving every inch of their bodies, or is it just perception based on what is seen online, in magazines, etc? While I keep the lawn trimmed and tidy, I have delicate skin. By the time the rash has gone away (regardless of method and I have tried them all), the hair has long grown back. Sigh.

    My final thought on hair, is that personally, I hate shaved heads, it looks thuggish. I would prefer a a monk’s fringe (but not a comb over) to that.

  • Jane Ferguson says:

    Beards are appalling, but…have had to come to terms with short-sleeved shirts, living in Brisbane (in summer, anyway). Amazing what you can get used to.

  • RS says:

    I can just picture the bearded/short sleeved man. Eww. And the beady-eyed wives too. What a brilliant, familiar picture you have painted.

    I dislike beards on the type of man you have described. Horrid, and made 100 times worse by the sleeves.

    However, I adore the sometimes scruffy bearded face of the 30 year old musician I am lucky enough to see (I am late 40s) and shag occasionally. On him it works and is very very sexy to boot.

    I also adore a couple of days’ growth on the 12-years-younger management type I see on a more regular basis; to me it signifies that he’s let down his guard a bit and is willing to be less-than-perfectly groomed with me.

  • Jane says:

    Good grief!!! plenty of sweeping statements here eh? ‘Many of the better professions don’t have beards’…I’m sorry did I go to sleep in one century and wake up in another…the last one. This nonsense sounds like something out of Jane Austen. I personally rather like beards- if the face is ok in the first place. One colleague, whom I had never particulary fancied, rocked up with a beard and moustache and made me postively drool. I realise this leaves me in the minority…but hey I have also had a wonderful time with a bald guy (several of those actually) and that’s not everyones cuppa tea and also an excessively hairy (but incredibly delicious) man, whom a lot of women would have dismissed out of hand merely for his hirsuteness. Your loss gals!
    ‘No woman under 50 can have pubic hair these days without being thought disgusting’. Sorry but that’s a load of B****cks I know several men who actually don’t want women who have ‘whipped it all off. As one of them said, ‘I want a woman that looks like a woman, not a little girl’ C’mon ladies lets keep a sense of perspective here. We are gorgeous….in the immortal words of Bridget Jones ‘just as we are’. Who in their right mind pays attention to what the media/the porno industry or anyone else with a similarly warped view of womanhood, says we should be doing?

  • Margaux says:

    I read somewhere that the porn / ‘whipping it all off ‘ thing is something reported by beauty salons as a growing trend amongst younger women.

    As for beards and the professional classes …. Richard Branson, George Clooney, Billy Connolly, Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, David Beckham … – hardly any of Lydia’s low earning hippies!

  • DAN says:

    BRILLIANT PLANKTON !

    YOUR BACK !

    I feel the exact same way about a different part of the female anatomy though, the hairy snatch !

    When you go down there and see this dense forrest in front of you it can be really off putting !

    God , you wonder whats really in there .
    Is something going to jump out of there and bite me ?

    So ladies, a little tip !
    Shave or use a hair removal product !
    I like mine just like me, bald and goodlookin !

    DAN>

      • fi says:

        That’s what I thought when I read what DAN wrote too but thought it was only me. Bet he’s fighting them off.

      • Mrs Hirsute Troll says:

        Leave Dan alone – you are hunting in a pack.

        Now here’s a conundrum: why do women remove their body hair?
        Eyebrows, legs, those shadows on the lip, under the arms, Bikini line, need I go on? I could.

        But they then spend a bomba at the hairdressers – on the bit on the top. Or even on a wig if the cranium area is not up to scratch.

        So, by extension, why are you so offended when a bloke suggests that instead of stopping at the bikini line you should carry on motoring further north?

      • EmGee says:

        Mrs Troll, When people like you and Dan make sweeping judgements on the other half the population, or any large group, you are bound to raise some ire. I am surprised your trolling only netted 2 responses. I too, had typed out a response, but cancelled it, as I don’t often succumb to feeding the trolls.

      • Mrs Hirsute Troll says:

        EmGee,

        If all the Blogger’s female correspondents stood side by side and used all their fingers and toes they couldn’t count the number of sweeping statements they have made about men.

        I think the statement that kicked off this nonsense was “I fucking hate a beard”. Dan’s crime was to admit that he wasn’t keen on a girl with a sumptuous George W. Difference?

        I did not make a statement, I posed a question. There were others like: why do women pluck their eyebrows and paint lines in their place?

        Its not my fault – I’m just a naïve old gimmer – I don’t understand. Thankfully.

      • EmGee says:

        Mrs Troll, we do it, and we do it to different degrees, because the society we live in expects it. The lives of all of us, men and women alike, are based on that, and we are taught all our lives that to be accepted is to conform. Styles, fashion and tastes change. Personally, I must not feel quite as much need to conform as other women, because I only get my hair done once every 3 or 4 months, rarely wear make up, I have the eyebrows God gave me, and most of the hair on my body too. I pluck stray hairs on my chin, and I rather like the feel of clean shaven legs, but as as fi said, I draw the line at painful/messy.

        That is my comfort zone, and I am sure there is a man out there who shares the same space. If not, then there is something to be said for the thrill of the chase. 🙂

      • DAN says:

        Jane you obviously have never been in the afore mentioned position !
        Believe me when i say its to die for, given the right circumstances !

        DAN.

      • T Lover. says:

        EmGee,

        How completely bizarre. Total strangers, one with aspirations to be a gentleman- aspirations are probably as high as it will get, discussing a stranger’s pubic hair – a lady of all things, in public forum.

        “Society” does not demand the total annihilation of ones eyebrows nor that they should be replaced by paint. It is one of those absurd, illogical things that women do.

        Now you may take that as an insult but the plain fact is that men and women are very different and no amount of political correctness will change that basic fact.

        In my book the differences are to be celebrated as is being true to yourself, being your own man.

        Barry is on the money – he loves his wife for what she is whether she shaves her armpits or not.

        Shame that more of us don’t see it that way. There might then be far fewer lonely people around.

      • EmGee says:

        😀 T Lover, you are a riot!

        To say that what women do to enhance their appearance is absurd and illogical, was hilarious!

        And as for what subjects are fit to be discussed? 😀

        Okay, so personal grooming habits are inconsequential, but minding our ps & qs are of utmost importance when out to snag a male? And, Do Not -under any circumstance- mention or even hint at the words: ‘pubic hair’. Got it, thx.

        And all this time, I thought it was my reluctance to shave those tiny hairs off the tops of my toes.

      • Today Troll is T Lover says:

        I am struggling to write this riposte without thinking of Julian Clary.

        I am an alien. I have just disembarked from the (intergalactic) banana boat the “Last Word”. Tell me in a couple of sentences why it is logical or in any way appearance enhancing (except on Halloween) to remove your eyebrows and replace them with painted facsimiles

        My daughter used to put makeup on the dolls, groom her horse in every spare moment and even put lipstick on the poor old dog.

        Come on, face facts it is a girl thing. It might have its roots in genetics or anthropology but it is hardly logical in 2011 and if you won’t concede “absurd” at least admit an aging alien might find it odd.

        Having been prohibited from the use of the term “pubic hair” can we euphemistically use the phrase “Basil” for the hair covering your frontal genital region.

        With acknowledgments to Woody Allen: is sex dirty? Only if it is done right. Find that funny? If not you won’t be into the merits/demerits of a bald eagle or a Brazilian or the thought that you can spice up the relationship with your man by adjusting/ removing your Basil if only in the hotter months.

        Some people (of both sexes) get it others not. One of those things.

        Public discussion. I would not discuss your Basil to your face – not until we knew one another very, very well.

        This afternoon I might try an experiment in the Bank. I shall go down the row of cashiers and ask (in turn) “do you have a Basil? A Brazilian? A billiard ball? “.

        I don’t think so, therefore why is it acceptable to debate it over the internet with a stranger – a woman. Very ungallant.

        Finally, did you call it (off with the Basil) a messy and painful procedure? Honest, trimming the Basil does not involve a general anaesthetic and an overnight stay. The surgeon at the bedside holding your hand….a Brazilian? 50:50 chance I’m afraid.

        BTW – it’s true, I am an alien. And I arrived by intergalactic banana boat.

      • EmGee says:

        Today Troll is T Lover:
        :-)Basil? Basil!? How about Chia Pet?

        Some of us, men and women alike, have very sensitive skin, and hair removal can lead to razor burn, painful (not to mention unsightly) rashes, ingrown hair, and I am sure a few other uncomfortable skin reactions.

        The only women I know who have no eyebrows, are those who have been through chemo, so I can’t help you there.

    • fi says:

      Hunting in a pack? Scarpering in the opposite direction more likely. Funnily enough I for one am not attracted to a man who would find me as repulsive as Dan would appear to find women unless they undergo painful/messy procedures to keep him happy

  • Patrese says:

    Men hide behind beards (and both sexes hide behind big glasses and/or sun glasses and/or hair than falls across their faces) – what are they hiding? Who knows, but it seems reasonable not to entirely trust them! PS however, I hope there’s some exemption for those of us blokes who will be growing moustaches during November in support of Prostate Cancer Charities!! PPS I have no theories about short sleeved shirts – they’re just naff (unless it’s a Hawaiian shirt and you’re on holiday!)

  • Empress says:

    I have to say that I have absolutely no problem with short sleeved shirts provided that they are not worn with a tie. Add a tie and it’s too hideous for words.
    As to the beard issue, I have a problem, I prefer clean shaven, my beloved goes through phases, sometimes he sports a goatee which I can handle, alas at other times he veers towards, well “hairy biker” describes it best. I will never, ever like it, but as I am rather partial to him I am learning tolerance and he is learning that he gets kissed more when he’s less beardie.

  • Barry says:

    Empress ,you nailed it ! When I go Native…I’m off with the lads ….closer cut….I’m in cuddles again…and She always tells me when I’m fluffing out too much . We really are a strange breed.

  • I honestly thought a beard suited Gandalf, but in general, the species fills me with horror. Men with beards or any kind of facial hair are clearly shifty, emotionally cold, almost subhuman. Hitler said it best by deed, if not word.

    I’ve seen women who claim to be into men with beards, but I smell desperation and pathological issues with judgement.

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