Up My Arse

November 7, 2011 § 27 Comments

A couple of years ago I was feeling so desperately plankton-y one day that I rang a poncy dating agency called Shouting at Mars or Up My Arse or Give Me A Fucking Break or something along those lines but possibly with more of an element of euphemism about it.  A friend had said it might be worth a try.  She warned me it cost about a million pounds to join but its clients were all like-minded professionals.  The thought of it – the repellent expense and the frankly nauseating premise – made me want to perform hara kiri, but I was faintly hysterical so decided to put in a quick call just to sound them out and as I did so wondered, if they did manage to overturn my prejudices, how the fuck I was going to raise the GDP of Estonia to pay for it.

I needn’t have worried.  They started by asking me a lot of soothing questions about myself and as they did so, I thought what the fuck am I doing?  Has it really come to this?  But I ploughed on with my peevish answers because I knew that it had.  We went through my age, qualifications, professional credentials – the scores of which, in order, were: old; a clutch of O’levels and piss poor A’levels; none.  Put those in your poncy pipe and smoke ’em, Madam, I thought; some of us do have a brain but don’t happen to fit any conventional criteria which mean you can tick your graph paper box-sized boxes, I am afraid.  And, while we’re at it, I have a question for you.

For my million pounds, which I don’t have, what is the proportion of women to men on your books, eh?

“Well, Madam, of course, we do have a few more ladies than gentlemen but that is just the way of the world, Madam.   However, we do have a tremendous success with our ladies and many of them have been very satisfied and…”

“The proportion?”

“It stands at about 60/40 ladies to gentlemen at the moment.  Madam.”

Liar.  I bet it is more 90/10, and the men don’t even have to pay the extortionate fee, oh no, only the women.  Because it’s a buyers’ market, see, and they’re pulling the men off the City’s streets, anyone in a pin stripe will do, with whatever inducements they can muster – a free blow-job with a prostitute, just like a pack of baby-wipes might come free with a certain bottle of shampoo, before these unsuspecting dupes are forced to take another one of Up My Arse’s desperate middle-aged plankton off their books so as to ensure its elevated place on the dating agency equivalent of league tables.

Perhaps you won’t be surprised to learn I passed.  Maybe serves me right and that’s why I am still a plankton, but I don’t think so somehow.  Had I joined Up My Arse, I think I would still be one, only less the million pounds I didn’t have in the first place.

Consolation guaranteed.

§ 27 Responses to Up My Arse

  • Sarah says:

    The comparison with nightclubs is quite depressing. They charge men to get in, all on the pull, and won’t charge women, to attract as many bright young things as possible and maximise potential hook-ups for the paying blokes.

    When the bright young things become jaded and older, they get to be the ones to pay for male attention from a site such as the one you describe.

    That’s ‘blow your brains out’ thinking. Definitely a site to avoid as the whole concept screams ‘older women are losers, let’s screw them and give them false hope!’

  • kidrock says:

    Well, nothing in this world is free now is it?

  • rosie says:

    Haha, reminds me of a singles night I went to some years ago. Twice as many women as men, most of whom looked like they’d got lost on the way to the Star Wars convention. One bloke I attempted to talk to looked at his shoes throughout our ‘conversation’ and then just walked off while I was in mid flow.

    The women ended up sitting at the other end of the room, swapped a few horror stories and then left. Distressing.

  • “Shouting at Mars, Give Me A Fucking Break Or Up My Arse”

    Now, THERE’s a heck of a name for a dating agnecy!!!

    • Steve says:

      I’d like to join – is there a website?!?

      • The Plankton says:

        Can’t remember what it was actually called but would probably get sued if I could! Best P

      • Jane says:

        I have a fairly shrewd idea of which one she is talking about, but for the same reasons that P. won’t elaborate I can’t /won’t either….think celestial…!

      • Lydia says:

        Gosh yes, she’s hit on a winning formula there for many men. It might be an extra curricular interest more popular than the arts actually.Get it added to your dating CV and you might be home and dry.

  • Jane says:

    Love it P! wonderfully contemptuous piece and precisely the way these ‘holier than thou’ nasty, small minded agencies and their ilk should be treated. How dare they!

  • MissBates says:

    Thanks for starting my day with a laugh! Idle thought: I wonder if we could franchise a chain of “Give Me a Fucking Break” dating agencies? (“Up My Arse” might attract an entirely different, um . . . element.)

  • june says:

    Yet another gem plankton.and sarah of course get your point re older ladies!.

    I was mulling on this sort of thing yesterday my divorced neighbour and i went to the sunday lunch of the singles group we are members off, it was full of the usual sad singles, all getting totally pissed as is usual, thats why i rarely go to any evening functions. We left at 3, later i was bombarded with calls from the girl who organised it who was so pissed when left she couldnt remember leaving the pub and couldnt remember whether she had upset anyone and what she had done. one of few men i thinks she liked there left the venue with another, which didnt help. ,She also said to me why didnt i ever get drunk , this from a women in her 50s. I told her i sometimes got pissed but not on a sunday lunchtime with a load of people i hardly knew, but it would be on a good night out with friends i was close to, could trust and knew wouldnt judge me and make sure i got home safely. She also said i was really lucky as i seem to have friends, even coupled up ones,who really care about me. As i have been feeling rather sorry for myself lately and feeling a bit alone it rather brought me to my senses and made me think there maybe i am glad that i havent got so damm lonely, i have to try and find solace at bottom of a glass, cause you sure wont find it there, so perhaps shes right i am luckier than ive been thinking i am. A sobering thought, and it makes me really glad i turned down the chance of the christmas day lunch with them because i just know how it is going to end up and that would make one feel a damm sight lonelier Perhaps plankton we should count our blessings and sometimes its funny how we see it in most unexpected ways.

  • Barry says:

    Super P , another thank you for the laugh…..dammit no one offered me a free blow job and a night out for free….

    A mon Cul Dating Agency …reaches the places others reminisce about

  • Joe Ehrlich says:

    Turn-about is fair play.

    It seems like the women want what they were able to get in college. Haven’t those fellas repeatedly shown themselves to be complete losers? For years, I was the guy who was passed over for the tall, good-looking dancers that played sports. And I had to pay the cover charge at nightclubs. Now, I am a 50-something guy without vices,debt, ex-wives or any interest in sport. Feel free to ask me (or people like me) out for lunch.

  • Anabelle says:

    I think I know which one you are talking about. Totally gave me the creeps. Also the name is something to do with witchcraft or suchlike – nuf said eh

    Instead I hired a personal stylist to do a shopping day and makeover. Far more satisfying!!

  • EmGee says:

    I never went in for ladies’ nights, or bars in general, still don’t unless it’s for music. Joe, I’d go out with you, I like nice guys, and the fact that you quantified your post with “or people like me’ means you probably really are.

  • Chris says:

    Your first paragraph is sheer genius. I used to do you the disservice of gently inquiring if you were Liz Jones, but this is superior, in my opinion, to the introspective writing, of La Jones. Fantastic, this stuff is addictive !!

  • plumgrape says:

    Just excellent work, Plankton. Well done.
    This is a test:
    (No formatting table inserted for the results of an analysis! Please notify me if this is later allowed by Word Press.)
    I don’t think you should be too quick to choose a man, after all, I do think you choose. Think happy. Good luck
    Please come to Brighton when we can make a date. It would be great to see you, meet and talk.

  • DAN says:



  • Lydia says:

    There are various ones. I went to see one just after I divorced. I earn quite a bit and I tend to feel it works best with a man of similar income so I went along but they would only let you meet men whose photograph you had not seen and only 5 I think. It was pathetic and very unlikely to match you if you have any kind of specific needs.

    The principle that very high earners or people into horses or very rich men wanting younger girl (sugar daddy US thing is coming to London soon I think) or whatever you’re in to should look for dating agencies/sites/groups where they will meet the same is a really good idea. If you want someone posh you don’t hang out in Hull at the bingo or whatever. If you want someone who’s romany then you look there.

    However I would say (a) look – some people don’t put enough effort in going to where men or women will be and (b) look all over. Plenty of people marry someone they just happened to speak to on a plane.I am in Central America today although I don’t regard this as ahappy hunting ground for men as I like England but the man taking out on a trip who was far too over familiar( I got most of his life story) was telling me stories about the time after he divorced and how he rejected one English woman he liked as she didn’t clear up after he’d cooked them a meal. Also at one stage when he was on the road for work when single he’d ask random women if they wanted dinnerand an amazing number said yes and apparently quite a few said yes. Ask and thou shall receive…. although I’d met his second wife the day before and I was not comfortable with how close he was getting. I suppose in one’s 40s one shoud be pleased there is still interest but I think with him and somemen they just try it on with everyone, old habits die hard for him. My point? Just that look in all places.

  • thalia says:

    I met my husband through what sounds like the same place. I had some of the same problems with them that you mention, but still, they did the right thing in the end.

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