There is Someone for Everyone. My (Substantial) Arse.

November 10, 2011 § 45 Comments

Once people have finished telling me to climb mountains to find a man (and they mean literally, but they won’t catch me climbing anything more than the naughty step in your average Victorian semi), or take up pottery (cf. Go on a Course); and once they have finished advising me to tamper with my vibes to make sure they’re overflowing with enough self-esteem to see off a thaumaturgy of therapists and haven’t got a desperate atom anywhere near them (How the fuck…?), or to stop thinking about “it” and just concentrate on being happy “in yourself” then it’ll happen when you are least expecting it, or to count my fucking blessings ie. once they have run through practically the whole gamut of bossy and unthinking platitudes known to Plankton, they think, here, I better come up with something really positive and upbeat and feelgood, so she doesn’t think I am being too negative, even if I do think she hasn’t got a hope in hell and there but for the grace of God et al.

“You know,” they say breathily as if no one has ever said it before in the history of the world, and they put the tips of their fingers on your knee and shimmer with the brilliance and empathy and condescension of their astonishing observation “there is someone for everyone.”

Hey, yeah, right?  So why are there so many miserable fuckers who are on their own when it’s the last thing they want to be?  And so where is he, then, when he’s not at home, this man that’s Someone for Me and all mine, because he ain’t under my fucking nose.

Smidgen may be twinkling a little more brightly these past couple of days than that to which I am accustomed, but I am by no means there yet, so I am still perfectly within my rights to have a little rant this dreary, apocalyptic Thursday about this particular patent shit so frequently peddled out to plankton.

There is someone for everyone.  My substantial arse.  Many a plankton must have balked at this resounding bollocks and asked, so where exactly?

When people say it to me – and trust me, they so often do – a few National Geographic-type pictures spring into my mind, and I am not thinking they are welcome.  I am a snob about the NG and have been ever since ancient and fraying copies of the magazine sat about in the school san.  I equate them with vomiting into a chipped enamel bowl.  Years later, I heard a genius photographer being very rude about NG photographs and implying – and I paraphrase – that they are to photography what Danielle Steele is to literature or chocolate boxes are to reality.  Anyway, “There is someone for everyone” prompts images in my head of a tribesman with a socking great spear through his nose, a painted face and a big smile, or a fellow on a boat before a sunset with a mobile phone inconspicuously but wittily tucked into his loin cloth, or some other such typically sentimentalised and technicolour portrait of global manhood.  And I think, is this how far-flung you are imagining my particular Someone might be, because Joe Bloggs from round the corner hasn’t exactly presented himself and you sure as hell ain’t introducing me to him, are you?  You haven’t got even one single Joe Bloggs in your address book, as you have already told me a million times.  So, is it that you are reckoning I should just get on a plane somewhere and start my search?  That’s, of course, if I had the money, the time, the childcare and, indeed, the inclination to embark on a journey of utter wrong-headed pointlessness.  Or is that me being negative and not thinking out of my stupid little box?  Or should I not be daft and should I be thinking closer to home, and take a day trip to Sheffield?  See if that pinpoint-Someone for me and me alone happs to be lurking by the town hall, changing a tyre by the side of the road, queuing for the bingo, or standing at a goddamn bus stop?

Even if there were someone for everyone – and regardless of the fact I think that’s completely fucking bollocks – how the fuck do you know, Plankton Patroniser?  Because the way I see it, these Someones for Everyone are not all managing to find each other, exactly, are they?  Or we’d all be bouncy-castling in clover right now, wouldn’t we?  And human relationships wouldn’t have gone for the most part belly-up the way of today’s Eurozone, would they?

If there is my Special Someone, we plankton should respond, where the fuck is he, ‘cos I ain’t met him yet, and he hasn’t yet met me, so precious little fucking good this neat pairing up you so confidently envisage, of 7 billion people, is doing for about 5 billion of them who are plankton and alone.

Eh?

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

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§ 45 Responses to There is Someone for Everyone. My (Substantial) Arse.

  • june says:

    Haha plankton, i too like most of our number have heard these platitudes so much There are a few more, which i am sure you have heard. ” He will come along when you least expect it” is another gem, why, he hasnt bloody done so so far, why would he now you think. “You are a lovely person, you deserve someone nice, they are out there”, Well yes i know im a lovely god damm person, not perfect, but lovely in my way, and he isnt bloody out there is he,out where, outer space, outer mongolia, austrailia, where exactly. Platitudes are one of the things that irritate most planktons the most,they do me.

    .
    Even on here , where you think most fellow planktos would know better,you get them. . .. You know in spite of being over 60 i do not fancy men of my age or older, yes i agree i should, i know men do prefer younger women on the whole, but try as i might i cannot see anything in baldness, wispy hair, a fat stomach, no teeth of your own,old mens clothes, and a prehistoric attitiude to women, amongst other things , and sadly that is what most men of my age have and i am a bit tired of people on here, telling me i should give them a go, i dont bloody want to give them a go, they repulse me, ive looked after myself and have a young attitude to life why cant men.Noone thinks it strange that a man of my age would want a woman of 50ish,then why the hell is it wrong for me to want a man of that age,. God knows why any woman of 50ish would want a man of my age,most are so gruesome , i am not and yet its wrong of me as a woman to want someone of that age, and i must give up such an idea but for a man however grotty its ok. That smacks of double standards to me and in 2011 we really should have gotten away from this sexist crap.

    • TwinkleToes says:

      Hear hear, June, well said! Like you, I am on the fishy site and, at 56, often seem to attract the men old enough to be my father who seem to think I should be grateful they have shown an interest.

      Ms P, thank you for making me laugh out loud yet again. If there’s someone out there for me, he must have lost his way several times, and be too proud to stop and ask for directions!

      • june says:

        Same with me twinkle toes.i dont think mine has actually had directions !

        O dear the fishysite or POF as it now calls itself , what a motley crew we have on there,do you find you rarely get any contacts. I had a 51 year old, seemed nice, he said i looked so young my age didnt matter, we chatted for ages,thought my luck had changed, got quite optomistic, we met, chatted a while, seemed to get on, we looked bout same age, parted heard nothing, text him my friend said, cant do any harm, i did, got text back saying we chat ok b ut” i want a lover”, I was not sure if this meant he so didnt fancy me, there was never the remotest chance of me becoming his lover or whether he expected me to shag him over the wine bar table the day we met! Ive recently on another site had a 75 year old contact me, his wife couldnt cope with his various ailments, so she left him, why would he think a woman who describes herself on her profile as a youthful 60 plus fit and active and with many younger friends would want him i cant imagine.. He sent 2 winks and a message, i blocked him. As we women seem to wear so much better than men, and we live longer, surely it is us who should want and get younger partners, not men, the status quo needs updating twinkle toes, do you not agree?

    • Dawn says:

      You would think, wouldn’t you? But no. We most definitely have not. I have a friend who is 8 years younger than me who thinks I am far too old for him, yet he pines for another friend who is almost 20 years his junior and thinks it’s perfectly reasonable. And he’s one of the “intelligent” ones. Measured by university degrees, at least. Just boggles the mind.

    • Chris says:

      Shallow. Still into looks and girlish dreams at 6 !!!@@?? Oh well, carry on that way lies bitterness and loneliness,

      • TwinkleToes says:

        Chris, was that remark addressed to me or one of the other lovely ladies?

        June, the response varies, my profile gets lots of views, though I have mentioned my main hobby and that I’d like to meet someone who shares the same interest, which does tend to limit replies.

      • june says:

        Chris the more i hear from you,i know why all we spunky witty .ladies on here are planktons, you really are something else,

  • Marrvelous!, you answered my question P. You are not actually Plankton…you are Ms. SHREK ……and look what happened to him! I was presented with your mental picure of Plankton Erectus , selecting poor old Homo in front of his Cave…”And FUCK the survival…shave that Mammoth Fukin’ Beard off you (Almost) Cretin….bonne chance xx

  • Margaux says:

    Hear, hear! I love this post. The ‘someone for everyone’ platitude is indeed a load of bollocks.

    I had dinner with an old friend recently who did the whole ‘someone for everyone’ routine on me – qualifying it by stating that my ex obviously wasn’t the ‘right’ person – otherwise we’d still be ‘together’. Wtf?

    You mean I wasted 13 years of my life with the ‘wrong’ person???
    He was ‘right for at least 12 years -but sometimes life & circumstance can clobber the best of relationships. At least we have salvaged a friendship from the fall out.

    The whole Mills & Boon, Someone for Everyone, Mr/Mrs Right who arrives accompanied by a celestial chorus of angels and a big sign over their heads reading ‘Here I am ! – the Someone you’ve been Waiting For’ – is utter, unmitigated crap.

    Thank you for the reality check, P !

  • Lydia says:

    Why does it bother you what people say?
    Of course technically there are loads of people for all of us. If you decided to widen your pool abroad you’d get lovely men who want a British meal ticket but who could be wonderful to you for life. Men do this with the Thai bride thing and plenty of those Thais/Chinese are pretty good – look at Mr Murdoch’s second wife etc. You can import a great man, easily.

    However leaving aside the fact of course there are literally thousands of men for us all why do you need a man? I am very happy on my own. If I find a man I love enough to live with or hook up with in a semi detached way I will do that/have done that. If I find one to marry even better as long as we protect my assets from a second divorce (once bitten twice shy).. If I don’t being single is wonderful too. Can’t the world be looked on as a wonderful place?

    I got back from my trip in warmer climes today thinking it was a Wonderful Life. Here I am 49, single, solely financially and practiclaly responsibel for all the children with huge debts because of what I had to pay their father working at least 6 days most weeks and I feel I have a wonderful life. I never get one weekend a year child free. I never get one night a year child free. I cannot even offer a man every weekend without the chidlren but it’s a wonderful life and I am genuinely happy. I also like my own company and if things don’t work out with a man then I might eventually get to live alone – something I’ve never managed and I’ve years left of chidlren here too which is nice. Good if they go. Good if they stay.

    There was a Times science magazine I was reduced to reading on a plane as all I had left of my reading pile, and it went into detail about plankton. Apparently we are all dependent on them, crucial in the food chain. Without them we’d die. So perhaps we need to encourage them. I suippose the more miserable planktons rejecting lovely men the more of those lovely men are available for those of us who are superior life forms… laughing as I type.

    • Lydia says:

      PS
      Mind you thinking of your boss’ second wife (Mrs Murdoch the second) of whom we’d better not speak ill as we butter up those who pay us she did follow classic oriental man snatching processes. First bag your ticket to the West, then steal the husband from the couple who were sponsoring you in the US, then move on to the husband of a pretty wealthy man who was long married and much older; then he’;ll die as with these huge age gaps and you’re young and pretty enough to nab someone else.

      It was certainly put to me by one man I know that the best way to get a suitable second husband is fine your married target and lure him from his wife. I don’t do that. i want my annual certificate and reward from married women nationwide although I suppose my moral good in the rejection of their adulterous husbands ultimately has no effect as there are plenty other men or women happy to play around with the spouse of another. Risky business as 90% of married people of both sexes never leave their spouse for their lover.

      • Dawn says:

        Leave it up to me to be in the 10% whose spouse did waltze of with another. Although to be honest, they did me a favour. I could still be with the jerk. 🙂

  • MissBates says:

    I feel like printing off a couple hundred copies of this post and circulating it to the furthest reaches of my social circle before the Hell of Holiday Parties arrives and I (who will of course be attending said parties solo) am subjected to a relentless stream of this kind of patronizing drivel. Unbidden, mind you — it’s not as though I walk up to people with a cocktail in hand and begin blabbing about being single. (I save that for here, aren’t you lucky . . . )

    Thanks for another brilliant one, Plankton.

  • Sarah says:

    There probably is someone for everyone. It’s the hooking up that’s the problem. Being in the right place at the right time.

    It’s luck, pure luck, and not being too blind to see.

  • Erin says:

    LOL – P, you are quite acerbic today and I had to giggle a bit while drinking my coffee : ) And hate it as you do, it is true – there is someone for everyone (except for serial killers, but even they have women wanting to marry them). How do I find said someone, you ask? Effort, and lots of it. Lots of time, lots of emails, lots of dates, lots of patience. You take advantage of every avenue available to you and you treat it like a job. Is it fun? No. Can it be disappointing? Yes. But if you put forth the effort required, you will find your someone, and that’s a fact : )

  • Dawn says:

    When people tell you all those things? It’s really their way of saying, “Don’t talk to me about it anymore.” Because there is nothing they can do about it and the knowledge that ‘there but for the grace of God go they’ is terrifying.

  • Jane says:

    Funny lady! love this P, you made me laugh out loud and after the shite day I have had it couldn’t have been more welcome. Maybe that’s the answer – become so obsessed with travelling the world looking for ‘the one’ that you do actually not worry if he appears or not

  • june says:

    Ah we are all in fine form on here today,such gems from us all.

    It does amaze me plankton that here are all us witty spunky women and men dont want us, could that be it do you think,we are just too witty and spunky, for the average male,could this be the problem. Well tough dont know about you girls, but i dont intend to change me, .love me as i am or dont bother.

    • Jane says:

      Hmm! you may not be so far from the truth there June! there are quite a few men who just can’t seem to handle women with guts and don’t even mention women who are funny……funnier than them, you wanna laugh? fine, you’ll be doing it on your own!

      • june says:

        yes jane, thats it. i mean we all seem to have plenty of friends, so we are not unpopular, boring loners are we,so why dont we have a significant other. makes you think.

    • fi says:

      The reason is obvious and you keep choosing to ignore what you’re told. Which is fine but why keep pretending you don’t know why you’re on your own? Here it is – you’re critical, negative, judgemental, narrow minded, bitter, angry, rude, have an over inflated view of yourself and seem to think that the only thing that matters is that you are a size 6/8 and have your own teeth. The clear message coming through is that material things and appearance are the only things that matter to you, both in relation to what you’re looking for and what you have to offer other people. And you spend your time whingeing constantly about how unfair everything is because you bizarrely think men should be throwing themselves at you. And pointing the finger of blame at everyone but yourself that you’re on your own. And taking it upon yourself to be the spokeswoman for all middleaged single women assuming wrongly that you represent us. Not me you don’t.

      • june says:

        My dear fi the idea of men throwing themselves at me is something i can assure you i wouldnt expect, i should be so lucky, im not in in bad shape for my age but i have no illusions, and i am certainly not judgemental or narrow minded,i have helped and guided friends with relationship problems, i am sure they dont find me judgemental,anything but.

        Surely all women must have some kind of standard they set with men,plankton with her hatred of beards and facial hair for example,what i object to is the fact that once a women reaches a certain age, she is expected to drop any standards at all, accept someone who resembles quasimodo, because well you and here we go with the platitude, ” cant be too choosey can you” if kind they leave out at your age, but its always intimated. Men seem to have no such problems. Its the double standards that annoys me. Im blamimg noone else that im on my own, when i was younger i was too choosey,i am first to admit it, but you can only drop your standards so far til you get to stage you have someone totally unsuitable for you, whom you have little in common with, and surely being alone is better than that.If you think not, you must think ok for a woman to be in an abusive relationship then, because they cant have any standards can they, or self esteem, but hey they have accepted whats on offer, even if the man treats them like crap, hmm no i think id rather have a few standards even if people like you think it wrong. .

      • fi says:

        God June I have standards too. And I’m on my own. But I’m realistic to accept that that’s my choice. Either I accept that the person I’d like isn’t a viable option, or I change what I’m looking for to include what’s available. Its not rocket science and there’s no point going on and on about how unfair it is. Whether it is fair or not, its just the way things are. As the prayer goes something like ‘change the things you can, accept the things you can’t, learn to tell the difference between the two’. Do you want to live out the rest of your life miserable and seeing the negative or seek out the pleasurable things that are available? I can tell you that focusing on the pleasurable is more likely to make you enjoyable company and bring enjoyment into your life whether it is a man or not.

  • anniebub says:

    Dear Plankton i have just read asnippet in the Mail today Ephrain Hardcastle column to say that Tatler’s Christmas staff party invitation says ‘partners are invited’ ADDING ‘to make it less excruciating, if you are single, please bring a friend someone else might fancy’. Do you by any chance have any contacts on that magazine??? Just a thought. Might be an improvement on National Geographic! Xx

  • EmGee says:

    Someone for everyone isn’t even statistically true, how can it be true in love?

    Great rant, P.

  • Jane says:

    Oh as an aside- I bought ‘They Call Me Naughty Lola’ the collection of Personals from the LRB , after someone recommended it on here. Well worth it, very amusing.

  • rosie says:

    God, the very same plankton patronising bollocks from my dear ‘go read a book’ sister. How is it possible for so many platitudes to come out of one person’s mouth?

    I was thinking about you today, Plankton (honestly!) and I might have missed it from an earlier post but wanted to ask, if it’s not too cheeky, why you got divorced, or did you have no say in the matter? If I’d known when I finished with my last long-term boyfriend, at 34, what was in store for me I’d have hung on to him. If you’re going to ruin your life may as well have some company. Hah.

    • The Plankton says:

      Dear Rosie, It’s completely reasonable to ask and I don’t object in the slightest. Plenty have asked the same but I made a decision at the outset, even there is loads to say and it is partly relevant, never to write about my ex-husband, the divorce or the children at any point, only to say a divorce occurred and to mention that I do have children, but I am afraid that that is as far as I am prepared to go, for a million reasons which I won’t go into but you can probably guess (their privacy etc…). Apologies. Best Px

  • Leftatforty says:

    I usually get ‘men must be queuing up outside your door’. Yeah, right…

  • Joules says:

    Excellent post – I do love this blog. Saying all the things that I think often during a day but I just smile sweetly and accept. People probably are just trying to make us happy – but the lack of acknowledgement of reality is often what is most frustrating. Glad to see reality in black and white in the blog.

  • Lydia says:

    Most divorces are initiated by women but even those that are may include a man who has committed adultery. Lots of men and women don’t leave one partner until they have the next one lined up. That’s not how a lot of us behave but there is a sub group who are like that..

    Anyway the point is life is great.
    You can have a better life single than married so why do people fret?
    There are loads of people for everyone who wants one and isn’t ridiculously fussy about it.
    Few of us are attracted to negativity.

    Ergo most who are single are single by choice.

  • june says:

    Yes possibly we are single by choice Lydia, but this being single is possibly ok if you have lots of single friends,sadly in my neck of the woods being coupled up is very common, being single isnt,so in spite of having lovely friends most are coupled up and i find single women i know not great company,i do prefer my coupled up friends, so it does make for lots of lonely nights sitting in by yourself. I am a very gregarious person i like to chat, as ive said i dont want a husband or a live in partner, but one can tire of being alone so much , It can get quite depressing especially in winter, and as a pensioner i cannot afford to constantly go out, neither do i want to,especially to singles groups, which i honestly find rather depressing . Learning to live with your own company is not easy, i dont know if you ever really suceed , we are really not meant to live alone so much i dont think, its a problem of the age we live in sadly.

    • Lydia says:

      i think I was born like that. My happiest moments even at 13 would be alone, on an isloated hill in the sun or in the public park reading a\ library book and having so very many chidlren I don’t get a day a year alone here in the house so I haven’t had the chiance to test out in my entire.life living alone (although moist women even if they marry end up alone unless he is much much younger) so I’m sure my time will come and I will look forward to it with relish.

      Is that one difference? That for me if and when I ever rid myself of these gorgeous children I am alone that is something I would savour (although if I fall in love and marry etc that would be lovely too – I have not taken a vow against marriage. I’m a pro marriage person).

      Also most people I know work until they die because we love it and picked good careers. I suspect that has a major impact on one’;s life too. My father worked full time to 77. my chidlren’s other grandfather works part time at 85 ish.

      Could you not chat to people on line – isn’t that good company? Surely ther eis always someone to get to know over the internet. Or volunteer to help the house bound etc.

      • june says:

        Yes lydia i agree with the working, i intended to work til i was 65 and beyond but sadly my company got cold feet about all the over 50s they employed and there were a lot of us, and scared would never get rid of them so certain policies were introduced that should we say encouraged us older ones to leave, and i felt it impossible to stay,i certainly didnt retire because i wanted too.My dad worked til 75 so for me it seemd normal. I have had no success at all in getting another job, after all theres young people who cant, dont think much hope for me, what would i do, I really cannot see many openings. I was even rejected by a large high street chain who tell you how they employ older people,well yes maybe people they have employed for years but not new members of staff, I didnt pass a stupid role play exercise i was told. as i didnt try and sell a complaining customer something, Well ive worked in customer service for 20 years and thats the last thing you do. Sadly ageism is rife in ordinary jobs, more so now, they have loads to chose from.

        Also im on facebook, i do chat to people on line, ive got friends good ones, it isnt friends i lack, its that special someone,and i could do the visiting of the housebound etc if i wanted but im not really a do gooder, it wouldnt make up for the lack of someone in my life,maybe you are happy on your own, well you do have your children, i have no children and little family, but im not, i thought i would be im a only child and i was a perfectly happy only child actually, never wanted brothers or sisters, and i thought id be happy by myself but since my dad died ive realised i hate it, maybe when he was still bere, i could cope with it, now hes gone i find it so hard.

  • maria says:

    Sorry Mrs. P, but why hasn’t my comment been published? There was nothing wrong with it.

  • maria says:

    I apologise Mrs. P, it was indeed published in another post comments section “Boyfriend Bar”.

  • DAN says:

    FANTASTIC PLANKTON !

    STILL LAUGHING AT YOUR VERY FUNNY RANT !

    MADE MY WHOLE DAY !

    DAN .

  • DAN says:

    WOW PLANKTON,

    Just read some of the replys to this post .

    You’ve really opened a hornets nest with this one !

    Theres everything in there , from agreeing with you to downright attacking your views , but a lot of anger and resentment .

    What i think most of the female planktons reading and responding to this site still havent cottoned onto is that if what your doing at the moment just isen’t working you have to change and adapt to your predicament.
    Just like in buisness, if your not selling you have to either diversify or go under !

    So stop blaming everybody else, change your attitudes, and then maybe, just maybe your life will improve .

    DAN

  • Lydia says:

    There’s nothing like reading a Jeremiah if you’re a Pollyanna ( as I am) to cheer yourself up. My sister’s daily moaning emails I’m afraid make me feel so much better always ditto here. Keep up the good work.

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