Boyfriend Bar

November 11, 2011 § 34 Comments

Yesterday a friend dropped by unexpectedly with a present.  I haven’t had a present for months and months – fewer presents than one once engendered is yet another wistful nail in a plankton’s coffin – and it brought tears to the eyes because it was so thoughtful and touching, and I am not one normally given to lachrymosity.  It’s not that I really mind rarely receiving presents.  Like compliments, any presents given to my children are for the most part more meaningful now than any dealt out to me.

The present turned out to be a little clutch of hot drink tokens for my local cafe.  I can’t tell you how much pleasure they gave me.  It’s pathetic, isn’t it, but my daily latte is my extravagant, illicit treat.  It’s the only money I really spend on myself regularly, and I justify it because it gives me just so much pleasure even if it does make me jittery. (First rule of planktonhood: extract as much pleasure out of the small things in life as possible because, children aside, the good big stuff sometimes feels a bit thin on the ground.) A few free lattes are even better.

The tokens came in wrapping paper with a chocolate bar which in itself never goes amiss but this one has been cornily if cleverly packaged in a pink box and is called Boyfriend Bar.  I know I am being manipulated by the marketing men but it brought a smile to my face.  On it, it says, with pale pink hearts between the words: Want one. Got one.  Need one. Got a Spare one.  You want my one.  Can’t stop wanting one. Quite fancy a new one.  I know the right one.  Like a good-looking one.  What about a funny one.  Would have to be a rich one.  How about your one.

To which this plankton’s responses are, respectively: Too fucking right I do.  If only.  Are you joking me?  Give me a break, I’d be happy with just one let alone a goddamn spare.  I haven’t got one for you to covet.  Why do you think I am writing this blog every single day?  Fancy one full stop, regardless of the “quite” and the “new”.  I do indeed, or at least think I do, but of course we don’t always go for the right one, do we?  Yes, although now my age and status is rendering me marginally less superficial with any luck, I am working on this one so that good-looking becomes less of a consideration than it once was when I was in more of a position actually to get a good-looking one.  Top of the list of priorities!  No, just solvent will do.  I am not in the business of considering, let alone stealing, other women’s men – dread phrase – end of.

Anyway, in the absence of what it says on the tin, sorry, box, ie. a boyfriend, I am now going to guzzle the bar.

There again.  Maybe not.  Or I’ll grow so fat I’ll never get one.

§ 34 Responses to Boyfriend Bar

  • june says:

    I love it plankton, another delight, makes me laugh but wants to make me cry at same time, such gems and could only be written by someone who knows what its like, ie, a plankton.

    As you say as a plankton it is the little things that count, especially when friends think of you in this way, where would we planktons be without our friends,and as i said yesterday having them proves we are not billy no mates loners, in spite of lack of males in our lives. Last sat i had a visit from the friend who dreads becoming a plankton,i was telling her bout the elderly contacts ive been getting and we mused on how hard it is for any mature women to find anyone, shes in 40s, she said her partner not perfect and he gets on her nerves sometimes but hey ho i guess ill have to stick with him. Another friend, a plankton, my age has been contacted again by a man she met before,online, he was in good shape for his age, they got on, but she felt him not solvent enough , bit younger than her, but no money,pension, house and a meinial occupation, i said but that doesent sound like your sort of man, but june she said im alone arent i, you cant have everything can you. So true, and i always wanted it, but now i just think like my friend, id settle , just to stop being a plankton. Even if you are a single woman who seems to have everything ,you dont, my neighbour was telling me about his cousin, shes bout you age he said,loads money, wealthy widow, always going on cruises, nice i thought,lucky her, but she does that he said as shes no friends ,she gets on everyones nerves, even rest of our family,im the only one she contacts.Shes a plankton, but a friendless one,surely worse, the money cant make up for that.

    • Chris says:

      You know, you are quite amusing. Over 60, want a younger man. Then you chat to your friend about a guy she met online…bit younger…tick …god shape for age…tick….but, oh dear wait, no money…tut….no pension…tut… house….tut tut……meinal occupation ( what the heck is meinial ??!! never heard that word !! )…tut tut tut. I really don’t know how to say this but it is an awful long time since you plankton were firm bodied beautiful twenty somethings. Even then only a small proportion of twenty somethings are firm bodied or beautiful, blame MacDonalds fo that !! I am 59, I don’t ‘ qualify ‘ women like you do men. I don’t care about their job pension house or much else. I don’t care if they have dentures. We all get older. And I am never lonely. We can all be picky and lonely, no problem there, but at least acknowledge it and accept that is the probable cause of not being able to find someone.

      • MissBates says:

        Chris: I am actually still quite firm-bodied, thank you very much and still very attractive, albeit with ZERO illusions that I will ever have a man in my life again, so spare us your pat assumptions about plankton expectations. Jane’s friend (the one dating the insolvent fellow with no home, no pension, and a menial job) is obviously more lonely & desperate than I am — not because I have better prospects (I definitely don’t), but because she’s willing to date someone so obviously ill-suited to her. I, for one, wouldn’t want to get involved with someone insolvent and working in a menial job for two reasons: (1) I’d fear he was looking for a meal ticket because I AM solvent, have a prominent career, have a pension, two homes, and a BMW, all bought and paid for with my own earnings. So these days I’m not looking for someone who is “rich” to take care of ME; I’m looking for someone who is financially responsible (not necessarily rich) so that I don’t have to support him in a style to which he would like to become accustomed. (2) What would Mr. Insolvent Menial Job and I TALK about on our dates, hmm? Would we talk about the books I’ve read that he hasn’t? Or the plays/concerts/operas I’ve been to that he hasn’t? Or the vacations I’ve taken that he hasn’t? Or the toilets he’s cleaned that I haven’t or ditches he’s dug that I haven’t or the streets that he’s swept that I haven’t? Or about our mutual friends (oops — don’t have any). Or about our university reunion (oh — wait — that’s right — he didn’t finish school, much less go to university). Or about his mother who doesn’t speak English and my mother the Mayflower descendant? (The awkward family gatherings alone would doom it.) Don’t get me wrong — there is no indignity in ANY sort of work, but the odds that someone in his demographic would hit it off ROMANTICALLY with someone in my demographic are remote to none. But BY ALL MEANS — let me check and see if one of the messengers in my firm’s mail room would like to have dinner with me tonight — of course, he’d have to wear long sleeves to cover up his gang tattoos, but so what — I’m a desperate plankton, so I’d better be willing to settle for anything!!

      • fi says:

        I think both Chris and miss bates are right. Women are too judgemental and set up criteria that realistically won’t be met because however attractive we think ourselves, let’s face it we’re probably not. Apart from being physically older and saggier, we’ve been bashed about a bit by life and we’re not the same open friendly optimistic folk we used to be. So regardless of how attractive we think ourselves, nobody is rushing to our doors are they? However…while I see where miss bates is coming from, and agree to an extent, she is demonstrating that judgementalism. Why assume that someone who earns less won’t read books, see plays, won’t have gone to university, be covered in tattoos etc. Or assume that if they don’t do these things they haven’t anything else to offer?

      • june says:

        Chris i am still very firm bodied actually, 40 year olds would kill for my , figure, and i am quite attractive im told, and as i have my own teeth, my dad died at 98 with his and mine very similar, wouldnt want someone with dentures. Thats the trouble you see Chris we women ;look after ourselves, you men dont, so thats why we dont want you, you let yourselves go at 60 you look years older , and when i read what you have just written, i know why im still a plankton and will probably remain so, men like you really p… off. I am sorry i have expectations as i am after all an older plankton and i shouldnt of course, however good i look for my age i have to accept any crap.

  • Barry says:

    Merci x super Blog today

  • Lindy says:

    Covet, P, COVET!! 🙂 Your malapropisms are only obvious because of their rarity, but they do make me smile! x

  • Jane says:

    Awww this is a lovely post, what a nice present too. Makes me want to give you a hug P x….or is that a bit too touchy feely and weird

  • MissBates says:

    You keep enjoying that daily latte! It’s important to draw as much happiness to yourself as you can, even in small ways. It helps dilute the plankton-ness.

  • EmGee says:

    I looked up ‘Boyfriend Bar’ online. 🙂 How kind that your friend went to so much trouble with the latté cards enclosed, it was the thoughtfulness that made it so special.


  • rosie says:

    Chris, has Plankton suddenly aged at least a decade overnight, I thought she was in her forties, not 60 plus? And I’ve never heard of meinal or meinial either.

    I wouldn’t dismiss someone with a menial job – there are plenty of people out there with ‘crap’ jobs who haven’t been to university and who have got a brain – but I’m certainly not doing skint again. Trouble is if they’ve got no money but they’ve got the edge, they’ll never go short of women (Long Shot?). They might get kicked into touch when and if the woman comes to her senses but it won’t take them long to find another one, plankton or not.

    • Chris says:

      Wasn’t addressing Plankton, was addressing June who if my memory serves me well is over 60. And I stand by what I said. I am 59 and my girlfriend has dentures and I do not give a tupenny damn. I don’t care if the grey roots show through in her hair, I let a lot of stuff go because if you really like someone you do. That is what I am trying to get to. And why do women here presume that if you are a man of almost 60 you are decrepit. I still have my hair, not gone grey yet, no dentures, tall and slim. But I do not go around with inflated ideas of my own self worth casually dismissing perfectly nice members of the opposite sex. That makes someone a not very pleasant person regardless of gender. And generally speaking unpleasant people are not much liked.

      • maria says:

        Chris, spot on. I stand by what you said 100%.

      • june says:

        Well chris you are a very unusual man of your age then,but my experience is there are not many of you, sadly most men seem to let themselves go badly.

        What annoys me is society seems to see nothing wrong in a man however he looks and acts wanting younger women,considerably younger in some cases, wheras a women even if in good shape for her age mustnt even prefer men a few years younger and is told she must accept shes too old for them.. That is defintely double standards.

        I can assure you i am a very pleasant person, i just have certain standards, i am sorry but i do, it always seems be the women who must compromise, i dont , yes that probably is why im on my own,even my mum used to tell me that, years ago , and as for the person who says i require a vibrator, no thats the last thing i need ,its not sex i miss but companionship.

  • Jules says:

    God you made me howl with laughter!! Which as a fellow plankton I SO needed – you are much funnier when raging! X

  • june says:

    Sorry Miss Bates put reply to Chris in wrong place. but you seem to be writing to him on same lines so guess its ok. Its men like him who make me realise why i am a plankton, and likely to stay at way if i meet pieces of crap like him. i know lots of women who settle, i dont really know if my friend will have this guy, probably not when it comes down to it, i agree re the meal ticket.Im not quite in your financial league but i do have my own flat and a small pension from my previous employer plus my state one so i would like someone solvent themselves.Ive other friends who stay with men not really in their league, but who are so scared of planktonhood they stay with them,not sure how that works really when house ect is in their name and they are in control, is there always a feeling from the man hes being controlled. Not sure if id like it but each to their own.

  • maria says:

    Oh June, just stop. I for one won’t settle, I’d rather be a plankton for the rest of my life. My brother is currently living with me as he was kicked out by his wife and he’s really getting on my nerves. Men are such slobs!
    I honestly don’t get it why would any woman want to live with a man and be his domestic slave.

    (once again I apologise for any misspelling, not being a native speaker and all…)

    • EmGee says:

      June, I just found another quality to add to my list – Virgos. Apparently they are tidy, neat, and efficient. Come to think of it, my first husband was Virgo and not only appreciated a clean environment, but actively helped out to make it so.

      • june says:

        actually could that be geminis as well, my dad was a gemini and he was very domesticated,and for man if his generation that was very unusual.

    • Lydia says:

      That’s a big generalisation. My children’s father was better domestically at the start than I was as he’d run his own house. Plenty of men tidy up after themselves, do all the cooking etc particularly if their other half is a very high earner. Money and power tend to lead to more equality in relationships.

    • june says:

      Agree maria, i lived with my dad for years and , for a man born in the early part of the 20th century he was very domesticated,he was also kind, considerate and liked women as people. And before anyone says it, no i am not looking for anyone like my dad, he was stocky and bald,and i dont fancy stocky bald men, however he was a very nice man and i suppose i have always looked for men with those qualities and never found them.

      I know friends of mine who work full time and do everthing at home, their partners beggar all, this still seems to be so common even with younger men, as you say who wants to be a mans slave.

      • maria says:

        True June, that seems to be the rule too, here in Portugal. Most women work full time, do everything at home and are also responsible for the raising of the children. Honestly, I don’t know how they manage. I couldn’t live like that, that’s why I’m on my own (except for my brother).

      • Lydia says:

        It is not the rule in the uK and most women do not tolerate that nor men want it. If you love your spouse you want to ensure fairness both at work and at home. Women who tolerate sexism at home usually get no more than they deserve.

  • Angelita says:

    hello there,

    Nice, post here
    keep update

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