Long Shot’s Text

November 13, 2011 § 35 Comments

I remember, some weeks back, observing that the Sod’s Law about Sod’s Law is that it is always so predictable and reliable.  So it is that of all the texts I ever receive from men – and let’s examine the word “all” here and point out that, in this context, it is used in the loosest possible sense – they are invariably from those that I do not fancy and never from those that I do.

I met Long Shot at the colon end of September and now it is the large intestine of November.  While I have been going in for a bit of spinning which resulted in BF so incredibly generously inviting us both to stay at the same time (he has yet to hear if LS is going to be able to accept), I never contacted him myself in any shape or form.  Occasionally, soon after we met, I thought, on hearing the rather optimistic little bleep on my smartphone which hails a text, wouldn’t it be acid-trip amazing, if for once it was from someone like LS?  I mean, as opposed to my bank telling me that now my statement was available for viewing online (oh, and such joy to be extracted from that little pistol of news), or even a date request from the kindly but not-for-me Poppy Seed.  But I gave up on the dubious fantasy weeks ago that I might be blessed with contact from LS.  It ain’t ever going to happen, girl.  Pretty well never has in 47 years, at any given time, from the person of one’s dreams.  May as well get used to it.

On Friday morning I was sitting at my desk in full contemplation of my Boyfriend Bar which I fell to writing and banging on about for that day’s post.  (BTW, I realised I missed out Can’t Stop Wanting the Old One.  It is an oversight which I swear is not significant and my response to it is this: that was the case for a while but I have now so moved on, thank you).  My Blackberry was sitting beside me, and when it did one of its little moan-y judders like I imagine the rather measly orgasm of a small, deprived creature such as maybe a gerbil, I ignored it.  I have heard it so often, working up a little steam beside me, and it invariably disappoints.  Anyway, it was a while before I deigned to look down at its post-coital proneness and red-light breaths.  Picked it up unconsciously, and suddenly saw Long Shot’s name at the end of a text.  WHAT????  I couldn’t believe it.  Friendly, it referred to our meeting and conversation all those weeks ago, and asked for my contact details all the better to open the way to future communication.

Frankly, I was flabbergasted.  So much so, I took the rest of the day off to compose, with Charlotte’s invaluable help – and her husband’s crucial, male-perspective input – what was a pithy but pitch-perfect little response (two days later, I have not wobbled on this; it couldn’t have been bettered).  It took ages (well, about twenty minutes), but I replied only after a decent interlude of several hours.  Then I went to the cafe to meet a couple of girlfriends who said I looked so wired perhaps I should calm down and eat an iced bun.  I couldn’t have eaten an iced pine kernel quite frankly.  I felt that same silly, searing excitement that I experienced on receiving a letter from Gavin some weeks after he danced with me in a nightclub when I was fourteen to Le Freak then kissed me and turned me to liquid mercury during 10CC’s piss-take-saccarhine I’m Not in Love on which a whole generation depended for scoring a snog.

The difference between then and now is that I soon managed to take possession of my senses again.  The madness lasted on Friday for about four hours but then, thank God, plankton pragmatism (cynicism?) rigor mortified the foolishness.

One girlfriend said no man contacts a woman he doesn’t fancy.  Another (male, gay) said that that is not true; depends on the man; that I could read nothing from it other than that it was an opening gambit. Charlotte’s husband (of whom I am extremely fond) said I could probably take from it just one absolute: that the man had not found me completely and profoundly repellant.  Charlotte herself said it was significant.  Janey said it wasn’t, and that under no circumstances was I to burn other boats because of it, and that I could infer quite nothing from it.

My feeling today, after some contemplation (you can imagine!), is this.  The arrival of the text was probably the best bit, and it is downhill all the way from here.  Past experience, detailed many a time and oft in this blog, has told me that men I like who ask for my number, even text me the next day, suddenly disappear into the ether.  I think of the one whom, a year ago, I made laugh and cry at dinner and really believed felt something, as I did, and as was evidenced (I shouldn’t allow myself to turn that perfectly good noun into a verb, apologies) by the highly sexy way he asked for my number and who then… well, fuck all.

I have decided that if my expectations reside at nil, then I will not be disappointed.  The fact is, that was the first I heard from Long Shot and I can pretty well guarantee it will also be the last.

I have promised Janey that this is where I stand now (after my initial misplaced euphoria) with regards to the text: I am glad that I never contacted him; it was nice, in a find-a-£10-note-in-an-old-coat-pocket kind of way, that he contacted me, although I am under no illusions that he will ever do so ever again; I am not about to burn my boats; my date with Smidgen is still on for next week and I am still looking forward to it; I can sleep at night and, perhaps most impressive of all, I have absolutely not taken to leaping upon my Blackberry every time it shows its rather half-hearted little signs of being in the throes of an email orgasm.

I promise.


§ 35 Responses to Long Shot’s Text

  • Barry says:

    Wonderful prose…perfect resolution of the situation ….sweet dreams, and a Very Happy Ending . Thank you encore .

  • Jane says:

    He’s obviously interested….realistically, probably not enough though. Does anyone in your ‘real life’ know you it’s you that writes this column?, could he have read about your interest in Smidg and decided, dog in the manger like, that actually he might be keen enough to pursue this? Men are so perverse like that, very non-committal until they think you may be interested in someone else.
    So glad you are not casting Smidgen to the wind, he’s worth an outing I feel and I’ve found that men are like buses, you wait for ages then get two at once, you get choosy and pick the ‘best’; one, only to find that the chosen one suddenly has other commitments/ an old girlfriend re-emerging/smallpox or something else that means he disappears over the horizon and ceases to be a serious contender. Consequently you are back to square one having cast off the less favoured suitor.

  • Love your blog Plankton. Been following ya since Femail day. As a 51 year old single mum I totally GET you. In fact you changed my own life around, got me a hot young 32 year old on 26 Sept after following your words and determining NOT to be a Plankton. He behaved very typically, I poor thing got more emotional than I chose (though was great feeling – HOW many endorphins are released during that “Wow he’s fantastic” phase. More perhaps for Planktons than our younger counterparts?

    Anyway, that has all now cooled down considerably, I was left frazzled, drained, melancholic, (but like you the coping mechanisms kick in, and you end up feeling, rather too practical perhaps, that the power of the (can I say?) o*g**ms MUST have done your body some good, so the whole episode WAS definitely worthwhile.

  • MissBates says:

    I understand and approve your descent into self-protective plankton-cynicism, but I am still going to allow myself the tiniest scrap of vicarious giddiness.

  • Sarah says:

    What I can’t understand is, if he is sending you a text, he obviously has your contact details, or does he hope you have multitude of numbers, email and snail mail addresses tumbling out of every orifice so he’s got choice if, one day, he decides to contact you again but can’t decide how… Would the poetry of the moment demand a stolid email, or a flighty text, or a careful, beautifully written invitation to his wedding/party/breakfast meeting/picnic or carol-singing soirée…?

  • Joules says:

    Congratulations on this level headedness. Very impressed. Wonder what the email will have in it. Please keep us informed. I am starting to wonder what is going to happen to this blog if you get happily hitched to either Smidge or LS. The odds are getting better for you. At least you have two irons in the fire.

  • Lydia says:

    What did he say? I wouldn’t get too excited about it. If people want someone they tend to get on with it within hours but keep at it.

    I can’t quite understyand teh concept of soeone who can afford to take a whole day off work just to write one text back. It sounds like strange priorities and a very indulgent life without the normal need to earn money etc.

  • Jane says:

    It’s fantastic news Plankton that LS has finally responded. It makes me think that maybe he has been waiting all this time to hear from you first before he answered your mutual friend’s email re Christmas because you are foremost in his mind to spend the Christmas period with! It does strike me as strange that he didn’t contact you sooner after your date/meeting but maybe he’s just one of those men that likes females to make the first move!

  • june says:

    Did he mention anything re the christmas arrangenments plankton, perhaps thats why he decided to contact you, looks promising.

    Lucky you, my love life is as depressing as ever, had lunch with two friends today, one was the friend who dreads being a plankton, and looking at me, who could blame her. My love life or lack of it came up,another mutual friend was discussed who met a man online, but he was quite overweight, something thats a no no for me, yes i am sure some will say at my age i cant be that fussy, or like my friend said well perhaps if a little bit overweight it wouldnt matter, yes it bloody would matter to me, old overweight men do nothing for me, i dont want them. If i was you plankton id settle for someone soon as in 10 years time people will be saying the same crap to you. Once a women hits 55 people seem to imagine she should be happy to settle for anything or be alone. No shades of grey at all.

  • Geoffrey says:

    June, I am just back from the pub so I am going to be direct. I would never date a woman who did not understand when an apostrophe is needed or when an I needs to be capitalised. Your love life would be vastly improved by a grammar class.

    • T Lover. says:

      How shallow.

    • plumgrape says:

      Geoffrey, I think you are drunk!
      Where is the mileage in nit picking? Is this an english lesson? So what, did you spend 4 years at university studying, linguistics? Go on, tell me you did and the next thing you’ll say is about phonics we teach to three year olds.
      The point Geoffrey is double standards, “spinning” (did you get that one? Are you married or is your wife just frightened of you?) pretending to be holier than thou, this is the context.
      Think about when your heart was last broken and why? Plankton is good reading.Try reading Keith Richards’ (oops, be careful, apostrophe may be in the wrong place) book “Life”, if you prefer. The book should keep you more amused or maybe it’s too long? Keith’s heart was broken also. Personally and honestly I can’t imagine why? Can you?

    • Jane says:

      I would imagine that June is heartily grateful that you wouldn’t date her, it would save her form more o fthis nastiness!!

      • T Lover says:

        Yes, and I bet the correspondent “Chris” is equally grateful – didn’t she call him a “piece of shit”?

        Where are all the nice people?

        Or are some of the correspondents really real? Real like kidnap negotiators, high flyers in the circus world, wonderful authors, famous actresses “we” know, multi millionaires et al.

    • fi says:

      Am I the only person who thinks this is Geoffrey cracking a joke??

    • Elle says:

      Geoffrey, if I were to apply that rule to the men on internet dating sites I would not get to reply to any of them. I suggest you join one of those sites – you would not believe the spelling, grammar and syntax clangers that abound!

      Thankfully I don’t allow a man’s grammar to put me off. I hope you don’t allow a woman’s grammer (hehehe) to put you off, if you do it might explain why you’re coming back alone from the pub on a Saturday night!

  • plumgrape says:

    Well done, Plankton, good, honest post. I really know the feeling you describe so well. Indeed, I am still even waiting, for “the text” myself, but I think Jo has gone back to her husband again.
    The problem I appreciate is twofold: (i) What Steve Jobs’ parting words said about: “Don’t wait”, and (ii) Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Perhaps you can persuade LS entirely to your way of thinking if you get the chance. I think you must keep spinning for unless you get some really truely loving relationship intent, explicitly, I think, vociferated as such, very much can fall apart. “Reap as you sew” and I hope your “seed shall not fall on stoney ground” comes to mind! Good luck.
    I am really going to try to get all these posts printed when everybody is finally done. The post and contributions are absolutely first class.

  • Margaux says:

    Well, now we are all agog at what the email will contain!

    Hopefully, given LS’s professional reputation, it won’t be some self promoting marketing guff about his next book signing or similar but something personal & pertinent. If it is a self promotional communication – any invitation, opinions sought or input required still opens the channels of communication.

    Don’t write him off yet, P. Play the long game. You are right – no expectations = no disapppointment. But hey, whatever happens – at least you know you made an impression!

    Lydia is wrong – sometimes we meet people and file them away until circumstance and an ‘r’ in the month conspire. Just because he didn’t come hurtling after you when you met doesn’t mean that it couldn’t happen in the future. (I have personal experience of that)

  • Margaux says:

    Just a thought re Geoffrey’s post.

    At the risk of incurring the wrath of fellow commentators, don’t forget we are all tribal. Our writing styles reveal us in many ways. In a blog where who we will and will not date is openly discussed ( age,solvency, beards etc ) – he has merely contributed his own preference.

  • Geoffrey says:

    Apologies, particularly to June, for any offence caused by my earlier post. I was neither drunk, nor tongue in cheek, merely uninhibited. And Elle – it was Sunday night, not Saturday!

    Perhaps what we can agree on is that it is not just the sentiments which P expresses, but the way she expresses them which bring us back daily to this blog. And for me her excellent grammar, turns of phrase (the email orgasm being just the latest find addition to the canon) and style are all part of that.

  • Erin says:

    Dear P, am so glad you heard from LS, and so disappointing that you can’t allow yourself to enjoy it properly. But you are doing the right thing by being cautiously optimistic. A plankton’s heart is especially vulnerable and unlike Smidge, this man is uncharted territory. I will be on vacation for 2 weeks with no access to the Internet. Am hoping when I get back and sit down with a glass of wine to enjoy the missed entries of your blog, that there will be wonderful turns of events and happy goings on in your life. Things are looking up, P! As always, wishing you the best : )

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