November 19, 2011 § 45 Comments
As a plankton – The Plankton – I don’t listen to music. Almost never. A commentator wrote yesterday that she had given up (in terms of finding someone, or even trying any more) but that music sometimes gives her joy. The comment came when I had already thought about writing a post on the subject. It’s killer. I don’t like listening to it because it gives rise to searings which feel thwarted and dangerous. It either flings me instantaneously back to the past and regrets, or it grabs be by the throat and squeezes my stomach and makes me want to dance and live and is too poignant for words.
Yesterday one of the children was playing one of my favourite songs loudly and it caught me unawares. Happened to be something which always gets me; we all have those songs. There are plenty of them. As I heard it, I felt an awareness of life brimming inside me and felt it was poised all of a sudden to volcano out. There was this heightened mingling in the uneasy present of the mixed past and the uncertain future. A sense that I was locked into the confined walls of my house but what I unexpectedly wanted during that uneventful early evening flimflam moment, heart beating inordinately, was to drink and dance and move and talk and laugh and live dangerously and love someone, and yet there was no outlet then to do so. There so rarely is. As a young woman, there was a life lived to chime with the music listened to, edgily. Sex and drugs and danger and immortality.
Today there is a different kind of danger. And music makes you feel so many things and yet you can’t get to them, are no longer even sure you want them. Instead, suburban feelings of fear and disappointment and lost hope and impending death stamp crushingly on the yearnings and hope and beams of life remaining within. And certain bits of music make you feel this all the more than even you do when you are going about your daily dreariness, and it flails you.
That is why I don’t listen to music. Times a plankton cannot afford to, for fear that it will dangerously derail her further, with promise and possibility which can most likely never be fulfilled.