No Fun

November 20, 2011 § 52 Comments

A plankton friend came round for a Saturday night in with a fellow plankton ie. me.  We discussed our different approaches to the problem: whilst I am pro-active, she is more passive.  Neither approach seems to be doing either of us any favours.

She says she doesn’t go out like I do and she never meets anyone but even so she does have one man who is keen on her.  Alas, she cannot endure the idea of seeing him naked.  End of story.  Nothing she can do.  Then she admits she cannot be ready for a relationship at all because the thought of seeing anyone without their clothes on gives her the heebeegeebees.

She slept with a lot of people in her youth but says she did not fancy most of them.  She doesn’t want to do the same, now, in her late forties.  On top of the pain there would now also be indignity.  People, she says, advise her “to have some fun”.  What, she asks, is the “fun” in sleeping with men you don’t fancy?

No fun.

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§ 52 Responses to No Fun

  • lujat71 says:

    People tell me the same but I’m with you guys, there is no fun sleeping with men you don’t fancy especially if they don’t know how to satisfy one’s needs! Good luck with the ongoing search, I can so relate to it!

  • Caz says:

    You could be speaking to me today Plankton. I have known a lovely guy for 6 months now…he is kind, easy going – lovely to do things together etc etc. Alas – he does not engage my mind or my body to the extent I would like. I am in a bit of a dilemma as it seems quite harsh to end a relationship which is beneficial to us both – but on the other hand is there someone out there who can tick more boxes for me?….or am I being totally unrealistic….and is it being fair to him to stay in this laissez faire situation while I make up my mind!

    The state of affairs plus the doom and gloom in the economy is giving rise to quite radical thoughts which I am unable to suppress. I’m very seriously thinking of quitting my job and renting out my house, throwing caution to the wind and just going off travelling.

    I have 3 independent daughters and a window of opportunity. Not sure if I can quite take that leap though as it really is burning a lot of bridges.

    I hope you don’t mind me using your blog to share my thoughts – but as you and your friend say – just leaping into bed doesn’t just do it for me anymore. I too question the fact that if I don’t want to see someone without their clothes on does it mean I’m not ready? or just picky?!

    ps – yes, I too have had lots of relationships in the past and been married for 20+ yrs

    • fi says:

      Caz I think its normal for women our age to question if we are where we want to be. I have and so have most women I’ve talked to about this. Our kids have either left home or about to do so, we can’t help but think about where we are and ask ourselves is it where we thought we’d be, and are we happy. Added to the fact that we know we’re on the downward stretch we know we have to make changes now if we don’t want things to continue. I’ve recently asked for redundancy at work as I would have liked to pay off my mortgage and then go off and work doing something I find fulfilling, maybe part time, but I was turned down. My friend and her husband have upped and gone to australia. Another one thought about chucking her job and running a cafe. Another women (teacher) considered taking over a post office. I think its normal as we’re living longer and after we’ve brought up the next generation we’re still here thinking its now time for us. Personally I would keep him as a friend but introduce him to other women, and explore the travelling option. Unfulfillment is unfulfillment and won’t be addressed by a bloke, and in some ways it would be harder to do things for yourself if you have to take into account his wishes.

  • june says:

    Ah plankton yes again i can relate to this, i dont think it matters if proactive or passive, ive tried both, neither seems to work.

    This past week been out 3 times, last sunday lunch with two friends, the friend who doesent want to become a plankton, was not in happy state, as relationship not working well,so even having someone can be wrong! Met them again tuesday night at friends, things the same, i said what a pair we are, i cant get anyone, and you cant get your relationship to work, an d friday La Boheme with another coupled up friend ,happily this time, but no opportunities at all for meeting a male of the specis., When i see my friend, i realise it has to be right, otherwise is there any point in having anyone and planktoness sounds simpler and not so draining, its just damm lonely, andto be honest apart from websites where do you meet anyone, going out you dont seem to meet anyone, well i dont, mind you i dont online. Its got to be an over 45 thing, because thats when it seems to start, women start to be invisible to men.

    Yes i often think like your friend, thats why i cant stand the idea of anyone overweight,or with dentures, im sorry but the thought of seeing them naked and toothless makes me feel quite sick and i know couldnt face it, yes im superficial and it shouldnt matter, but to me it does, and i just cant change.

  • Lydia says:

    If you don’t fancy them, whether you’re male or female, it’s not going to work. That’s the end of it. Men wouldn’t go to bed with someone they don’t find attractive (unless they were very drunk). No reason women should either. I tried it once and it didn’t work for me. He knew and was very good about it but we couldn’t make it work.

    However there are men who look fine all over the place. Just look harder. I don’t really know what’s happened this week (perhaps I’ve just been on line more) but I have had so many people getting in touch I’ve been hard pushed to remember which is which. However one today (a mason) just didn’t sound right. Another was too far away. One I quite liked and we’ll have dinner although the more we talk the more differences we find but I still quite like him. A good few are just after sex but they are easy enough to cast aside. Calling another one at 8, accountant.

    Then one going on about a private jet he’d used so I gave him a taste of his own medicine and then when he realised he weren’t in my league he back tracks to it’s people not money that matters. What fun. He may be okay too although I don’t think one side of things realy is compatibile and I’m suspicious of the ones who retire early. I’m also really busy so not really concentrating on men and finding one,. I like to have gaps to get over the previous person first.

    Actually this is all a bit much. If they could come along one a week so I could decide that would be easier. We’ll find in a week not a single one probably and I’ll regret the ones I’ve rejected may be. I’m not saying I have loads of suitable men. i am just saying that on internet dating there are loads of suitable me – just about every one of these is about 51. There was the one yesterday who sounded abi t wet and was my age and never married nor had a child and I thought probably emotionally damaged from his childhood and schooling so I cast him aside. He would a good one for a 30 something who wants babies actually. Just because I didn’t like him doesn’t mean he isn’t okay. Perhaps I should start a bureau.

    • june says:

      Perhaps you should Lydia, i really think a lot of whether you get anyone online is not always down to age,its what part of uk you in. My part, and i do love the city i live in, has two problems, as the area is a big retirement area, you do get lots of older men on it, who dont actually live in city, but on the coast or in the country,and i like city people, i come from the coast,i moved here, i do not want to revist there,i am not a typical retiree, i havent retired from life! or have one foot in grave, ive younger friends i still feel alive, not ready for a gradual decline. I do get younger men contacting but they are always miles away and i am not sure if just think you desperate for sex and would be grateful.Men actually in my city, younger or my age, rarely seem to be on dating websites.

  • EmGee says:

    Looks matter, no doubt about it. Good thing we all have different tastes, and standards of compromise.

  • fi says:

    Well after taking on board everyone’s comments on internet dating, I’ve taken the plunge and joined POF albeit I’ve knocked 2 years off my age. Will see how it goes…

    • Lydia says:

      Good luck. I just spoke to an accountant. I was disappointed so not very nice to him. Bad me. We got into my analysing why his daughters were so unsuccessful, – presumably because their mother was only a housewife.

      • Elle says:

        His daughters may not be successful in the sense of having a high flying career but they might have happy relationships & family life, something that eludes us planktons. Many people would consider us to be the unsuccessful ones no matter how our careers have gone.

      • T Lover says:

        When I read Lydia’s response to yesterday’s post (“Music”) it struck me that the tone and particularly the style of the prose were markedly different from its many predecessors most of which seem to have been penned by a hyper active loony.

        Today we are back to normal.

        Was the scriptwriter temporarily indisposed yesterday?

      • Lydia says:

        I am always I. I might be busier or in a different mood sometimes but I’m pretty consistent in my views.

        If you want to meld families it helps if there are some similarities, on a par. I’mn ot saying you cannot meld the family of the dustman with children at sink comp with someone very different but it’s certailnly then a more complex task and if you genuinely have loads of possible men you need a few filters, that’s all.

  • terracotta says:

    I think life is like a bowl of vegetable soup. Its easy to sit on the edge of the bowl and criticise the carrots (men) and the longer you’re out of the bowl the pickier you can get – but if you’re swimming in the soup the look of the carrot is less important as there is a lot of other, non carrot stuff going on as well (Ive confused myself here!) I also think it is sad you are searching for something when in a way you already have it – you have a talent for writing and the glory lies in that – not the man. You will leave a lot of readers bereft when you eventually land that fish!

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you. That’s a nice thing to say, but no chance of needing to give up writing this blog quite yet, though doing it every single day is quite an undertaking! Best wishes, Plankton

    • Lydia says:

      That’s the nub of what I’ve tried to say but I don’t write as well as terracotta (or plankton for that matter).

      Women don’tneed to be defined by nor only happy with a man. In fact if you’re happy without then men flock to you because they want to be part of that happiness.

      I feel I have loads of non carrot stuff going on and if I find a man that’s the cherry on the cake but I don’t feel like an 18 year old Pride & Prejudice girl sitting around with the sole purpose of my existence being to make the good match and sometimes plankton gives the impression of being exactly that (and I’m very lucky I’ve not been barred as I’m not much of a yes man on here)

  • Lizzie from Oz says:

    Plankton – your blog is so true!! But I guess it works both ways. How many of them look at US and think the same thing?! Which just compounds the problem! None of us look like we did at 20-30. By the way, no mention of Smidgen? Your date ‘next week’? that week is well and truly over….

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you. I promise I will let you know about Smidgen in the next week or two. I appreciate your interest. Px

    • june says:

      No Lizzie none of us look like we did at 20-30,why the hell dont we appreciate youth when we have it, but some of us have looked after ourselves, exercise, diet, sunblock, not smoking, good dental hygene, no sunbeds etc. so we possibly look good for our age,so why the hell would be want someone who hasnt bothered to look after themselves. i know its easier for women, we dye our hair, use make up etc. but some of the older men you see both in real life and on websites, look as though they have made no effort at all, and think woman will love them warts and all, and its a bloody lot of warts! Well sorry not me, ive looked after myself,so should they.

    • Elle says:

      Lizzie you are so right. How many men look at US but don’t like what they see? That’s why I often date men who don’t initially set my heart on fire. It’s a morale boost to be wanted and with patience attraction can grow if you have shared interests. A nice bottle of wine, some good music and kind lighting can be great catalysts when there’s no chemistry to start. And when your expectations are low anything good is a bonus. Indeed, the experience with such a man is often better than with someone who ticks all the boxes and sets expectations realistically high.

      That’s why I think Plankton should persist with Smidgen, he could turn out to be surprisingly good in time.

    • MissM says:

      I don’t think it is all just the looks alone (I don’t particularly have an urge to gaze at the figure of a man naked at all) and if all else fails, you can always turn the lights out. I can find a man who is overweight and balding as sexy as hell but that doesn’t mean I find all overweight and balding men sexy, just that the particular person I find sexy has something else that appeals to me. Rather than whether I want to see them naked I consider whether the thought of them touching me makes me want to vomit or not. Clearly if that thought makes me want to vomit there is no point in me being with them.

  • Chris says:

    Wow, what to say ladies. Hot news this week !! Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher split. Even super cougar La Moore could keep her hot younger guy out of the clutches of hotter younger ladies And this is a woman who could and did afford to maintain. So what chance the run of the mill plankton ? I leave that to you, but to come up with stuff like you couldn’t stand to see some guys naked in middle age, as your plankton chum said ? Nothing wrong with being picky but at some point reality has to kick in. So lets say it. You can only have the people who find YOU attractive. Set your sights to high and alone you will remain. Fine if you have no problem with that, but you have stated your quest is to find a man. Dating is a Darwinian business and we all find our own level in that dating pool. That is the reality check, not the wish lists and the dreams that some of your followers seem to promulgate.

    • Elle says:

      Demi is well shot of that overgrown schoolboy! I never understood what she saw in him, ok he’s nice eye candy for the under 30s but I prefer an erudite silver fox myself. That’s not to say there’s anything wrong with women dating younger guys, men date younger women & nobody bats an eyelid.

    • EmGee says:

      Hi Chris, welcome to last summer!

      Gotta run, I have a date tonight.

    • MissBates says:

      Chris: I must say I’ve not seen many “wish lists and dreams,” as you put it, on this blog or the comments thereto. To the contrary, I’ve read about a lot of women who are resigned to NOT having someone conventionally handsome, successful, etc., but who aren’t, on the other hand, willing to put up with slobbish, pot-bellied deadbeats just in order to be with ANY man. If that is setting one’s sights too high, so be it . . .

      • Chris says:

        Dear Miss Bates ( sigh ) All I said was you can only have who you can attract. You find your own level in all walks of life. If all you can attract ( hypothetically, of course )is pot bellied slobbish deadbeats ( as you so eloquently put it ) then so be it, that would be your level. End of.

      • Chris says:

        Hee hee, this is fun !! No seriously, somewhere someone called T Lover has followed my comments closely. Wow, bit worrying that. Thing is, I am not in bad nick for me age but I do not push the envelope in what I seek in a woman. I like the roughish slightly tarty type of woman, not the brightest but simple, honest and without an agenda. Probably the sort of woman you would employ as a cleaner. My personal taste, nothing wrong with that, my life.my choice Thing is, unlike you nice ladies I do not think in any way I could be described as aspirational in my dating desires. In fact I think we are so far apart as to be from different planets. Candidly, from what I have read here, if I met a Plankton I would run a mile….and I do not think I would be the only man to feel this way !i

      • lydia says:

        Plenty of men want clever pretty sexy nice successful women. Alphas date alphas etc
        Tis the law of the jungle
        Plankton date plankton or have no one
        We each find our level but it is not true that bright successful men want cleaners and Thai brides. They genuinely want women they can talk to

      • EmGee says:

        @Chris. Just because a woman has a low paying job, is cleaner, doesn’t mean she is dim, nor is she necessarily honest or w/out motives. However, I gather you are collecting your evidence from limited personal experience of women willing to date you, just as you appear to judge all planktons by the handful of people who post comments here.

      • T Lover says:

        Chris, darling, no need to worry. Here I am the someone, somewhere who read what you had to say and, sit down when I tell you this. Ready? Remembered!

        Now having for some weeks enjoyed the (figurative) sight of “Chris” poking a hornets’ nest (Geoffrey, is that apostrophe in the correct place?), I am sorry. I disagree with you.

        Your life, your taste (in women/cleaners) is your business. Personal. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

        “I like roughish women” “probably not the brightest sort of woman …..employ as a cleaner”.

        Now, what do you mean by “bright” and how do you measure brightness? If she pleases you and can keep the relationship going perhaps she could give some lessons to other contributors to this blog many of whom seem to be clueless.

        Our fundamental difference is as to taste. In teens and twenties anything, anywhere any time. A former RSM said to me a couple of weeks ago that young men can be/are like dogs – anything will do. Mind you, looking around the town centre on a Friday and Saturday that might well apply to women too.

        But as you become older I think your taste in women changes. Sex becomes less important and other characteristics more so.

        So perhaps as time goes by sexual excitement will give way to intellectual stimulation? No? You don’t think so?

    • Lizzie from Oz says:

      Exactly. Just as I said in my post, We need to come down to reality. It’s ok to say we keep ourselves well, still reasonably attractive etc etc, but have a good hard look at us naked???? Works both ways.

      • MissBates says:

        Ah, Chris (insert condescending sigh of my own, as well as roll of my eyes): No actually, that is NOT “all that you said.” Re-read your own comment. And my point is that I am very attractive, slim, stylish, and financially successful, and I would rather be ALONE than f**k said slobbish deadbeats. I’m NOT saying I can attract anything else at my age. Ergo, the central dilemma on which this blog and its comments are centered. Curious what YOU are doing, trolling around here, though: bald? overweight? dead-end job? Up to your eyeballs in debt? Thinking you might find some desperate plankton willing to take you on? Most of us would rather not, thank you very much.

      • T Lover says:

        Miss Bates, miaow.

        Now, if instead of being catty you had had a brief backwards tour through this Blog you would have seen that “Chris” is circa six feet, slim with his own hair et al.

        So he says.

        But he also says his 50 something girlfriend wears her skirts high, shows her roots and has false teeth.

        Now me. I would eat my own scrotum before getting involved with a lawyer…….even if she looked like Calista Flockhart. You are a lawyer? Sorry. They are pretty dull? You don’t think so?

        I, apparently, look a bit like Harrison Ford so you never know, maybe Calista Flockhart might hanker after me? You don’t think so? Well maybe you are right. Ok I plead guilty. I am only three feet tall.

        Gawd, I read some of the universal truths, received wisdom and downright unkindness you gals come out with and thank the stars I ain’t hitched to one no more.

      • june says:

        Well yes lizzie we do, but i have appeared in a bikini in front of my younger female friends and was told they couldnt believe i had such a good figure at my age,im n ot saying it, they did. I am sorry im with Miss Bates on this, slobbish fat deadbeats turn me off, and if is all thats available i will remain a plankton, Surely as she said we are allowed standards, and if we dont meet anyone who reaches them then we will stay alone. I think what we are all trying to say here and im sorry Chris you may be in good shape, but lots of men are not, woman on the whole do have more standards than men, and if you are happy to be with someone who has to remove their teeth at night i am not. Thats your choice. I knew someone and it would be a man would bring up Demi Moore, but would you say same thing if the man was older,no of course you wouldnt, double standards again.

        I know some friends of mine think me too choosey and think if i hate being alone that much,i should accept anything, one told me when referring to a mutual friend who has rather a large partner, well look at ……..shes got someone, and isnt lonely you are, but as i pointed out i am not her, i am me, and i just dont do fat or dentures, or ugly either.Im not Miss world, but i am slim,i have my own teeth and i am reasonable looking, surely it isnt too much to expect the same in a partner, not a hunk perhaps, god at my age im not getting that, but reasonable, as people have said you have to be intimate with this person so you have to fancy them . Like Miss Bates and the others on here if i cant then a plankton i will be, but i dont have to pretend i like it, if i did i wouldnt be on here would i, would any of us, we can say things we cant say to our friends even, because we are all in same boat. I met a happily married old schoolfriend today, nice that us planktons do have quite lot of friends, makes you realise we must be quite personable people, in spite of our planktoness. I was telling her about this blog, and she she said it must help as you all in same boat, and understand,whereas we coupled up,dont always. So true.

      • Chris says:

        Fascinating how people jump to conclusions and miss the nuances of life. I mean do I really express myself as would an uneducated man ? I never said anyone was a cleaner, I said they might be the sort of person you would employ as a cleaner, given that you could afford one. Cleaner was use in a metaphoric sense. Also, how does simple equate to dim ? I was referring to a lack of a calculating personality. And where that comment about Thai brides came from gawd only knows !! Actually, many Thai women are highly educated and highly capable. I think you lot are a bit behind the curve on that one !!

      • EmGee says:

        @ Chris
        “not the brightest but simple” what other conclusion would one naturally draw, but that you meant dim witted, as in simple minded, as opposed to someone who is guileless.

    • Lydia says:

      Of course, you find your own level. TYou tend to find ugly men with ugly women and very pretty ones with others who look good and a lot in the middle. I don’t think anyone would dispute that.

  • fi says:

    Can anyone advise? Have so far had 8 men saying on POF they “want to meet ” me. Does that literally mean that or is it code for something else? Also, I’ve disregarded the ones who have called me Babe and Darling, can’t spell or punctuate properly. However I’ve only been on 24 hours and I’ve had emails from a further 10 that look ok. I’m feeling overwhelmed by the monumental task of sifting through them to see if any of them are right for me. How do I do that? How long do you engage in conversation (in a completely artificial environment) before you can work it out? Is this response an abnormal one because I’m new and can’t expect it to continue after the first couple of days? What do you other folk do?

    • Sarah says:

      My experience of internet dating is that any new person is welcomed with an avalanche of requests. Look out for the scammers who usually over-flatter, look too handsome to be on a dating site, seem too good to be true, and want you to leave the dating site so you can just communicate by email.

      As for the others, take them one at a time if that’s all you can cope with. I found the best way was to filter them by nearness to me because they are the best bet for easy meetings. Also, I liked to meet them ASAP so as not to waste time. If after a few messages things are going well, suggest meeting up. If they can’t get away easily, they are probably married or in a relationship and just want something on the side.

      Good luck!

      • fi says:

        Thanks for advice. Switched on my phone this morning and between going to bed and now I’ve had another 5. Have now added in additional criteria too for deleting them: anyone more than 5 years younger than me, anyone who uses text speak (LOL, RU ok etc) and those blokes who use sexual references in their names. Its like falling into a tank of piranhas. Fingers crossed though there are a few gems in there

    • MissM says:

      It is true that since you are new you count as “fresh meat” so do expect that you get less interest after the initial rush. On the other hand, congratulations you! As for how you sort them out I have no idea, mine were always so obviously dire as to not need much thought at all. I always ignored the “want to meet” as I interpreted that as “can’t be bothered or is incapable of writing a message”. Maybe it is code for “I only fancy a shag” but I never explored it to find out.

    • Dawn says:

      @ fi

      Not sure if “want to meet” is truthful or just code. It seems a bit premature if you’ve only just joined and haven’t had any online conversations with them. There are trolls on every site who watch for new members and then pounce. Take your time looking through those early responses. In a week or two it’ll calm down and all the newbie trollers will have pounced on the next newcomer.

      After a while, you get better at weeding out the unsuitable ones. I don’t know what the men are like in your area, but here there are many who send a message that consists solely of, “Hi.” I ignore those. If you can’t think of anything more to say in an e-mail, how awkward is conversation going to be? Ditto, the ones you have disregarded, the Babe and Darling and functionally illiterate ones. Or the ones that are clearly just looking to get laid.

      There are some who want to meet immediately, with very little online conversation first. They’re just checking you out and may also be looking to get laid and nothing more. They don’t care what you’re like, just what you look like. I’ve learned to ignore them, too.

      Others will email until the cows come home. They’re either married, living with someone or too socially inept to want to actually meet a woman. They just like to flirt and fill their time, but they don’t want the mess of an actual relationship. Give them the heave ho, too.

      Ideally, I’d like someone who wants a bit of online conversation first to get a sense of each other and then one of us cuts to the chase and suggests meeting.

      Good luck!

      • fi says:

        Thanks for this advice. Have also disregarded the ‘Hi’s’ and am going to now disregard all those that send one sentence emails that end with Xx

  • plumgrape says:

    Where is the fun in fancying someone rotten and then not being able to sleep with them?
    Maybe fun is what we need to make.
    I am glad your friend was invited to sleep with so many men when she was young. I do not remember being quite so fortunate myself to receive such invitations! I think what I met was the adage: “women never call men”!
    The problem is finding sexual life disappointing after a lifetime.
    Bring love on, Plankton. That’s what we need.
    Go girl!

  • rosie says:

    If you don’t fancy them after the second date or if you need to drink a bottle of Jack Daniel’s before getting down to business it’s a non starter.

    I’m not that bothered about looks, within reason and I can’t do overweight, but they do need to be smart and funny. The problem is that smart, funny men have women hanging on their every word, no matter what they look like. Look at all the fat, hideous comedians (eg Johnny Vegas, ugh) who have gorgeous partners.

    Chris, I can’t recall seeing any wish lists or dreams either but if pot-bellied deadbeats are all that’s left at this stage then I’ll have to remain single until the day I die. I’d be interested to know what you look like.

    • Chris says:

      Rosie, I am tall and slim with fair hair. But there is one problem. You see, I am told I look like someone famous. Problem is that person is….Prince Charles. So you , see for todays modern woman even though I might tick a few boxes my resemblance to his maj probably kills it. Just as well I have a sense both of proportion and humour !!

      • Elle says:

        Chris, are you sure it isn’t Charles Dance? He is also tall and slim with fair hair. Prince William has fair hair but Prince Charles doesn’t and never did.

        You’ll be glad to hear that Charles Dance fathered a child at 65 with a 39 year old woman.

      • EmGee says:

        Re: “You’ll be glad to hear…”

        I find that appalling. When the subject of men siring children past their forties comes up, there seems to be 2 camps: One which applauds the virility of a man’s 30 second contribution, and the realists who are of the opinion that fatherhood is commitment to the life of the child, not the other way round.

  • Penny says:

    Interesting what your friend said. I couldnt sleep with someone I didnt fancy, I have more respect for myself. Anyway what is the point? I’d rather have a cup of tea and watch tele!!!

  • kidrock says:

    “…..She slept with a lot of people in her youth but says she did not fancy most of them…..”

    Karma is a b1tch ain’t it?

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