Dead Date

November 29, 2011 § 71 Comments

From yesterday’s Times:-

The scene was set to make it easy for a bachelor who may or may not have been nervous and shy in the face of possibility, and me.  We met in a relaxed, cosy restaurant with some other friends, and we ate and drank and were merry and when the restaurant closed we all went back to where I live.  Friends drifted home.  Smidgen stayed.  We talked and drank and I was fully aware of words spoken overlaying questions that remained heavily unanswered.  There was a canyon between the surface conversation and the two separate subtexts – his and mine.  Two of the three were obvious to me, the third a total mystery.  An hour or so later he, too, drifted away.

When I closed the door behind him, I felt overwhelmingly puzzled.  What was all that about?  Those months of lingering hours in cafes, the body language, the apparent interest?  Then a shining opportunity, and then nothing?

The next morning, friends – male and female – rang to say it was absolutely obvious that he was in love with me.  Well, not to me it wasn’t.  One said he had told her before we sat down for supper that he was nervous and she asked why that would have been had he not been in love?  The way he responded to me, they said, made it abundantly clear he was besotted, and they were shocked when I said he had left at one in the morning with about as much ceremony as a postman.  “Well, in that case, no wonder he is alone,” a girlfriend said.  “He is paralysed, unable to do anything, and if he can’t with you, in a situation like that, he never will be able to.”  “Perhaps he is a virgin,” said another, male, friend.

My feeling now is that it is immaterial if he is in love with me because if he can do nothing about it, then what good will that do either of us?  I am certainly not going to do anything about it.  My friends may have it all wrong and the thought might never have crossed his mind and friendship may be all he ever sought.  For me to do do anything to find out, and be rebuffed, would be a humiliation too far.

The case of Smidgen only serves to highlight the plankton’s plight in the face of the apparently “available” bachelor of a certain age.  He is not a bachelor for nothing.  He is one for any number of reasons – no wish to be tied down, gay, asexual, emotionally knotted so tight that the unpicking is painful to the point of impossible.  I don’t know into which category he fits, but today I don’t care if it is all of them, and more.  Smidgen and I: we’re history.

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§ 71 Responses to Dead Date

  • Caz says:

    …just off to work when your twitter flashed up Plankton.. Thank you for filling us in – I think we were all too polite to ask! However – maybe I am too forward (I like to think confident) but sometimes you write as if you are one of the Bennet sisters in P & P – endlessly looking for nuances of meaning, shades of sub-text in conversation…..so many thoughts about men and their intentions….although it does, of course make a wonderful blog.

    Why couldn’t you ask Smidgen about his intentions? If things had truly gone that far and he was in your house after a lovely evening – I would have moved in for the snog if I had really fancied him. Haven’t been rebuffed to date! there are ways of doing it without being branded a forward hussy.

    Anyway all the best – and hopefully things will progress with Longshot – all the best Cx

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you, Caz. Point very much taken. I guess I am just of that nature – generation? – which makes it impossible for me, but perhaps I should address the matter! I am planning on being a teeny bit more straight-forward with LS, but probably so teenily, he won’t even notice! Px

  • Jane says:

    No sorry P, you can’t hide behind the gnerational thing, I am older than you (early 50’s) and whilst I don’t think I would leap on the guy and snog him, – that really is something I expect them to make the first move on and not, I feel, too much to ask – I think I might be tempted to be rather direct in my conversation, ie: asking some rather searching questions as to their past romantic history and where they saw themselves going in matters of the heart in the future. Cheeky? probably, but hell, it’s your life he is screwing with and at least that way you’d be able to judge if he was just a prat with you, or a prat full stop!

  • zoe says:

    “My friends may have it all wrong and the thought might never have crossed his mind and friendship may be all he ever sought. For me to do do anything to find out, and be rebuffed, would be a humiliation too far.”

    No doubt he entertained this paralysing thought too. I can’t help thinking that the essential problem here (and I don’t just mean this particular situation but the whole plankton kaboodle) is your own insistence on gendered behaviour. Give the guy a break. He’s human too.

  • tassiedi says:

    Dear P, I’m with Caz! If you fancy him, then as Eliza Bennett’s friend Charlotte said, you should leave him in no doubt of your affection! Why should it be up to the bloke? I fear it is a confidence thing, and I hope you can build yours up. A couple of drinks and dancing to rock music does it for me!

  • I think you called it right P ….I was once like Sidgeon…at age 15 ….. and he is a tad older …you may have had a lucky escape !

  • Steve H ( as there seems to be another Steve) says:

    I wouldn’t be so quick to write him off…..

    Making that first move is never easy (unless fuelled by copious amounts of alcohol!) .The fear of rejection runs deep.

    That fear will be worse for him as you are already “friends” .If he gets it wrong , he will feel like he has probably lost a friendship.

    Consider the facts and then say that he isn’t interested:

    1. He confessed to someone else that he was nervous.
    2. He stayed – Til there was just the two of you.
    3. In your words “There was a canyon beneath the surface conversation”

    As a bloke who has been there, bottled it and cursed myself on the way home, I would bet that that is exactly what he was doing as he left.

    • The Plankton says:

      Dear Steve H, Thank you, too, for commenting. The more the merrier, and I promise I do completely take your point. Very best wishes, Plankton

    • Jane says:

      oh, but come onnnnnnnn! does our poor P want to be stuck with a guy that can’t even screw his courage to the sticking post enough to declare his interest. She did her bit, she went along on the ‘date’, dressed up, put on her slap (as we all insisted she should)invited him back to hers, didn’t shoo him out when everyone else had left. Short of waltzing in with the coffee, wearing little more than a smile, with a rose between her teeth and whispering huskily ”here I am, come and get me big boy, I’m all yours” what else was she supposed to do? ‘He who hesitates is lost’ is very true. You called it right P, the guy would be way too much hard work in the long term..

      • The Plankton says:

        My thoughts entirely. Thank you Jane! px

      • Steve H ( as there seems to be another Steve) says:

        “she went along on the date” “dressed up” and “put on the slap” . Ummmm..so ? He certainly did the first,probably the second and almost certainly did the male equivalent of the third. So that doesn’t prove much!

        What we don’t know is whether he was receiving mixed messages even if that wasn’t P’s intention.

        And could there have been mixed messages being sent out anyway given that Plankton admits to an ambivalent attitude towards him in the first place?

      • fi says:

        And we can assume while your other friends were feeding back to you, they will also have been giving him encouraging noises too. So if he STILL doesn’t do it..well. Why would you want someone so useless?

      • DAN says:

        FI,
        Smidgen USELESS ?
        The poor guy as steve h has already explained had a lot to lose if things went wrong !
        He would have lost a lover yes but was not willing to lose a good freind into the bargain .
        He obviously only needed that slap of a fish in the face that a lot of posters have already talked about.
        Shy- definetly.
        Hurt before- possibly.
        Useless- definetly not !

        DAN.

      • fi says:

        And we can assume that while your other friends were feeding back to you, they will also have been giving him encouraging noises too. So if he STILL doesn’t do it..well. Why would you want someone so useless?

      • Leftatforty says:

        Agree.

    • Elle says:

      But why did he do this? If he got the slightest inkling that Plankton liked him why would have bottled it, unless he wanted to?

      Sorry to hear about the head wreck of a date, Plankton.

    • DAN says:

      Steve H,
      Your bang on the button !

      DAN>

  • DAN says:

    OH PLANKTON,
    you obviously dident beleive my last post !

    YOU just left one of the 80%s go.

    WHY ? For one of the 20%s i think. Long shot !

    One little nudge could have made all the difference.

    Smidgen dident stay with you ’till 1 in the morning if he wasen’t interested . Just needed a push .

    DAN.

  • Sarah says:

    Poor guy, but you didn’t fancy him anyway, did you?

    Sometimes it just takes a smidgen (pun intended) of initiative to bring about the happy ending.

  • MissBates says:

    That faint, dull thudding noise you hear? That’s me, banging my head on my desk in faraway NY. I had such hopes for Smidgen….

    • The Plankton says:

      I am so sorry, Miss Bates. I did too, in a small way. Back to the drawing board. Px Ps. Don’t give yourself a headache!

      • Jo says:

        I think the answer to this is in your reply to Miss Bates who ‘had such hopes for Smidgen’.
        You write “I did too, in a small way”.
        We can give out mixed subliminal signals, even if we’re not aware of them.
        Your heart was not really with Smidgen. You had some hope ‘in a small way’. You are holding out hope in a big way for LS. These things seep out of us against our better nature. Whatever we’re doing or giving out on the surface. Whether he knows why or not (and how could he?), Smidgen could not but pick up on this. On -something.
        Forgive the poor man. It is all loaded on his making a move with mixed signals. I think he was interested. But confused by your unconscious mixed signals. He is only human. And vulnerable too. As are we all.
        I am not surprised it turned out this way. Give the man a break. Put yourself in his shoes in view of the above. Mixed signals. Not knowing whether you would welcome a move. And similarly -understandably-fearful and vulnerable to a rebuff.

      • The Plankton says:

        Dear Jo, This all makes sense. The awful thing is, I wasn’t 100% sure myself, and I guess I just lost my patience, but in a nice way of course. Px

  • Geoffrey says:

    I am in agreement with the other blokes here. For every woman like you dying for him to make the first move, there are 99 others who flirt all evening, only for the bloke to make the first move and then find himself roundly rejected. If he has experienced that even once in his life then it would explain everything. If you are keen, take a risk and escape the gender stereotyping!

  • Brigitte says:

    Oh, P! At least you have prospects! And you just wasted one of them. I have absolutely none. I work with almost exclusively women and my social circle is very small.

    Maybe I am more forward, but I just recently told my guy at the gym, with a nice smile, that I wouldn’t say no if he asked me out for a beer. He told me he wasn’t available, but that we should revisit the option when he was. And you know what? I survived. And I don’t even know for sure if he is interested in little old plankton me. Sure, I was a little embarassed, but not much. He still says hi and chats. Maybe he’s just being polite, but that’s OK, and he knows I’m interested. If he’s laughing at me, then he’s immature and doesn’t deserve me.

    Now, you wouldn’t have had to do anything so forward, but it would have been so easy to look into his eyes, linger silently there, and then maybe lean in a little. You might have gotten a kiss. But I agree with Dan on this one. Smidgen is one of the 80% (not exciting enough) and you are holding out for Long Shot who is more exciting (i.e. mysterious, dangerous) and one of the 20%. I just read a book on dating, and a dating coach says that if there is strong chemistry when you hardly know the guy, then he is most likely a bad boy or commitmentphobe and will break your heart. I believe this because my guy at the gym makes my heart go ‘flip’ and I don’t see any long term prospects with him were he to become available. But I am a sucker for chemisty, as I suspect you are. I hope Smidgen didn’t excite you that much. It would be a shame to have let one go that you fancied (even a little) just to hold out for LS.

    • The Plankton says:

      Dear Brigitte, Thank you for this. I think I was convincing myself about Smidgen anyway, to be honest. Maybe if something had happened… well, perhaps it still might, but I don’t think so somehow. Onwards and upwards, eh? Best Px

      • Jo says:

        Forgive me. But the truth is clear. You are almost relieved that it didn’t work out with Smidgen. The narrative of events, give you a good get-out.
        If he had moved forward with this, I believe you would have not known what to do next, as you don’t really want him and are holding out for LS.You are not disappointed about Smidgen. You can write about it as a no-go, reporting the grounds for that, with a sigh of relief.
        You didn’t want him anyway.Hence your own mixed signals to him. Conveniently blamed on him. Him alone.
        You want LS.
        Poor Smidgen. I feel sorry for him. We are all sensitive and I don’t think he deserves this.

    • AMJ says:

      Do you mind, Brigitte, if I ask if the dating coach gave a rationale for saying that if there is strong chemistry when you don’t know someone, then the bloke is either a bad boy or commitmentphobe? Because it isn’t self-evident, and doesn’t seem logical. i.e. why would strong chemistry necessarily lead to heartbreak?

      • Brigitte says:

        Hi AMJ,

        The coach didn’t elaborate. She was giving advice to the author of the book who was running a year long experiement on different ways to meet men. The author said she rarely telt like persuing dating most men, that she felt chemistry with very few. The coach warned her that what the author thought was chemistry was probably an attraction to physical beauty mixed in with excitement of the unknown (the so called ‘mystery’ we find exciting). The men she would have continued dating were all elusive and were either fresh out of a relationship or were moving out of town within a few months. None lasted. I should point out that none of the less ‘chemically inclined’ men worked out either and in those cases she chose to leave.

        I think a lot of people mistake attraction and the heart going ‘flip’ for chemistry. Like you, I believe if there is chemistry, then it means both parties are contributing to the reaction and feeling it. Genuine chemistry felt by both parties is certainly a good start and doesn’t predict the future of a relationship. One person feeling their heart go ‘flip’ for someone they haven’t gotten to know can result in unrequited love.

        As for P. and Long Shot, I wonder if she is feeling her heart go ‘flip’ vs. real chemistry. I don’t think she has talked with him enough to feel chemistry.

  • T Lover says:

    True story with slight variations to protect my neck in case the subject of this comment reads it.

    I know a bloke well. Circa 40. Virgin. Desperate for a woman. Very bright. Not bad looking. Family has dosh. Professional job.

    We have had several very long conversations during which I have told him it is dead easy. It’s a numbers game. Don’t be upset if you are given the KB. Move on to the next.

    Hold her arm briefly. Use your hand to change her direction as you are walking along. See how she reacts. Give her a gentle playful pinch in an “innocent” place like the waist. And if she pulls away she is saying no. Close the book and move on to another. Easy peasy.

    Well, these never ending conversations centred on a high flying lady he worked with from time to time. He knew she was on the market as he spotted her on a dating “site”.

    Me to him: for ****’s sake ask her. This went on through all sorts of other suggestions including: if it is so bad, buy a tart – something I have never done but it was desperate stuff. It is like riding a bicycle, your truly would say. Once you have the confidence you will never look back.

    Then the revelation. He had become so desperate, so lacking in confidence he had had therapy. An intelligent man had, unbelievably, staggeringly paid a psychologist and still couldn’t manage to even ask this woman out.

    This is not a cheap joke (oh dear – or pun) but my cockerel doesn’t need a psychologist to get its leg over, neither does the dog. No classes to teach the chickens to lay eggs or my dog to give birth.

    Why does a bright bloke have these problems? I was flabbergasted. And if the bloke does have an “issue” would he make a good “partner”. In bed? Might be rampant when the inhibitions go? Out of bed?

    Hey ho. Just a thought.

  • Jane says:

    Steve H – yes but he was also in her home, invited by her and he stayed after the others left, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out the possibilities open to him. I think that’s what is called having it presented to you on a plate, if he can’t then go forward from that springboard, there truly is no hope!

  • Elle says:

    I cannot believe that any single, sentient man over 35 should have any problem asking a woman out. When the numbers are so much in his favour and the women so keen to meet someone how can he fail?

    Unless he actually WANTS to.

  • june says:

    O dear plankton, all this longing,poor you.

    There is one thing that you said that worries me slightly about him older and and a batchelor, and what he might be, as he is.Well im , and god i hate this word, it sums up someone so unlike me,i cant bear using it, a spinster, does that apply to me and any other older woman who has never married or cohabited. I have to say ive never been mad on sex, i mean i dont miss it really, can live with or without it, so there are times when i have wondered if i could be asexual, i certainly am not gay, but i have had my odd passionate moment, quite a few years ago now,so maybe im not asexual. im not emotionally knotted, i am quite a warm caring person and affectionate with my friends, not a confirmed spinster, no i long for companionship and i get lonely on my own. I just think that ive never met the right person,ever, and i know lots dont, many friends of mine have just settled , but i cant, so maybe smidgen is same, and i hate to say it maybe you are not the right person,maybe he just sees you as a good friend.Sorry to say this but i as a fellow never attatched,i am trying to see it from his point of view. Maybe this is time to move on dear plankt on.

    • fi says:

      June, since your issue seems to be one of loneliness rather than sex, why don’t you just get a pet or a lodger to keep you company?

      • june says:

        i live in a one bedroomed flat fi ,i think a lodger might be difficult and i think a pet in a flat extremely unfair on the poor animal, and a flat is not suitable anyway. And how anyone can think a animal replaces human companionship i will never know. I am not lonely in the accepted sense, i have friends, they all have partners, end of story , ive tried singles groups, full of sad people getting pissed to hide their lonlieness,no thanks.

        And surely sex isnt the only reason for wanting a companion,. god if it was sure anyone even me, could get someone to sleep with them, im not that repulsive. It must be about more than sex surely,or is everyone in this society so sex obsessed thats all they think important. sex drives vary,some are highly sexed, some are not, we are all different, mine just isnt that high, i know i should be gasping for it, but im not, sorry but im not, and if was that desperate id b uy a vibrator!

      • fi says:

        June if its not too impertinent, can you maybe explain WHY you want someone? If its not for sex or companionship, what do you want them to give you and what do you think you’ll offer them? Am genuinely interested to know as I can’t be the only person trying to understand this.

      • MissM says:

        Fi can you not see see that most people need an intimate companion in life, and that this a role that cannot be filled by friends or pets? Sex is a fantastic part of a relationship, but not the only point of a relationship surely. If all a woman is after is sex, June is right, any woman can get that. I would have thought most plankton want a partner in life with whom we can connect with on both a physical and mental level. At least that is what I am after, and I suspect so is June.

        Also loneliness has also been described as “an uncontrollable discrepancy between desired and actual levels of intimacy and social interaction, with the desired levels higher than the actual”. Which is why it is not just about having another person around, but having the sort of person around that we can connect with and give us the depth of intimacy and connection we need in life.

        Interesting side note I did also read that psychopaths never suffer loneliness in the absence of human relationships, because psychopaths simply have no interest in other people.

      • DAN says:

        MissM,
        brilliant !
        Keep it up .

        DAN

      • Fi says:

        Jo. There was me thinking that I have close relationships with friends and family (including my 2 adult kids and their partners) that allow me to share my thoughts and feelings, and interests that bring me pleasure, a strong sense of self that allows me to be centred regardless of what’s happening around me and an openness to welcome new people into my life if those people can enhance it rather than to fill gaps. I also can see that where I am is a result of choices I’ve made in my life, and bits I don’t like I change. There was me thinking I was ok. Apparently not – this demonstrates what a psychopath I am. Although I think you may mean sociopath.

      • DAN says:

        FI ,
        NO, you’ve just got problems like the rest of us !

        LOL,

        DAN

      • Fi says:

        Sorry that was directed at missm, not jo!!

      • MissM says:

        Fi, how you think I said you were a psychopath I have no idea, but I am sorry you came to that conclusion. Perhaps I was not clear enough in my writing, for that I apologise. You have wonderful relationships with friends and family and as such you do not suffer from loneliness. I said the psychopath doesn’t suffer from loneliness “in the absence of human relationships” which is clearly not the case for you. You are lucky enough to have family and friends whose relationships give you a comfortable sense of being enmeshed in your world, which is great.

        What I guess I would like to convey is that it is perfectly NORMAL for people who have not the good fortune to have enough people to fulfil their relationship needs to suffer from loneliness. It is a natural part of the human condition in that situation and I would prefer that people at least did not have to feel ashamed in feeling it. That in fact to NOT feel lonely IN CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES is what is not normal in most humans, psychopaths excepted. (Sorry for caps, I’d prefer to italicise but I can’t here.)

        Also there are two types of loneliness. One is where those who have the intimate close partner relationship but are left wanting more in the way of friends and social interactions outside their main relationship. Which is why you can hear of a happily married person who still feels lonely. The other is people who have a great sense of social belonging through friends and their social circle but are lacking in having an intimate partner for that deeper and more intimate connection, which I think is the type of loneliness plankton generally are at a higher risk of suffering from.

        The level of need also varies between individuals so that some people get more satisfaction from quite low levels of interaction, which others might find no where near satisfying enough. Thus a situation that is perfect for one person is unbearable for another. Someone here once proposed an idea of having a partner permanently live a few houses away rather moving in together, and just spending time visiting each other, which some others agreed was a wonderful idea. To me I can’t see the point in having a partner if they live elsewhere, I’d certainly like the two of us to share the same home. It doesn’t make one idea right and the other wrong, merely different.

    • Jo says:

      June. You’re very very good at moaning and self-pity. Constantly. But I don’t think you know what you want. Each of your comments reveals more and more about you. And the fact that your being on your own is not such a simple cae as you make out. Primarily that it’s not just the men’s fault for your Planktonhood.

      • june says:

        Thank you jo. i obviously dont need a therapist i have you.

        What i was asking plankton was, why do people think people male or female who have never married or cohabited, are strange,when they get older.. We are not necessarily gay, asexual, emotionally tight, weird, odd or anything else, and it fucks me off that people think we are. Maybe we have just not met the right person, and we would rather be on our own than with the wrong one. After all .lots pick the wrong one ,or there would be no divorces. I have spent a lot of time in my life helping out friends who are with the wrong one, but are so scared of being alone,they would put up with anything, and would “love” someone who is with them even if they get treated like crap. But in societies eyes thats better than someone who has never cohabited because its not natural, so being humilated, hit possibly, abused, insulted etc. is ok because you are “normal” and in a relationship, whereas someone who hasnt because they want better, is not normal. Well i dont know about you jo, but i think i know which person id rather be. There is someone for everyone they say, well perhaps some of us just never meet that person, and in 2011 on e would imagine that people who havent cohabited would be considered perfectly normal, but it seems not, we are still considered weirdos.

      • DAN says:

        JUNE,
        Not in my eyes !
        your not a weirdo and don’t ever listen to anybody that try’s to tell you otherwise .
        Your choices are your own .

        I’m seriously worried about some of the very harsh comments that are being made against certain individuals at the moment on this blog !

        Please remember everyone has feelings and it costs nothing to be nice !

        Lets keep it clean !

        DAN

      • MissM says:

        I agree with Dan about some of the harsh comments, but I think they reflect badly on those who make them, especially as being nice is indeed free. Perhaps I am old fashioned in remembering the old idea of if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

        Some people may not write as well as others might like, but as in most things they will get better with practice, which is something they wont get if they feel ostracised. Some people may have an attitude that irritates others, too positive (yes overly positive people drive me insane, a case of too much of a good thing perhaps) or too negative, or whatever it may happen to be. It is a fact that everyone is different and it would be wonderful if we could tolerate the differences.

        As out dear Plankton the Original repeatedly says we only see one facet of her life in reading what is written for us, since the writing is limited to a theme. It is a bit much to think we really know anyone here when all we have is a mere fraction of a single facet from what could be a very complicated gem.

        I’d like to think that this is the safe place to come an bemoan our lot as plankton, since we certainly cannot do it in our outside lives. Here we can explore the negatives that may be a taboo subject elsewhere. Here we should be safe in the knowledge that others here are plankton also and thus understand us at least a little.

        At least that is what I would like to see in this blog. Personally I can say I have found it comforting to know at least I am not alone in the bottom of the sexual food chain and that others have experiences that are like mine. There is not any other place on the net like this, not any that I have found anyway.

      • The Plankton says:

        Dear MissM, Thank you for this thoughtful contribution with which I entirely agree. Best wishes, Plankton-the-Original x

      • Jane says:

        Well said, there’s a nastiness creeping in here which doesn’t make for entertaining reading and surely isn’t doing anyone any good.

      • DAN says:

        JANE,
        Correct !

        And you managed to say it in fewer words than i did !

        DAN.

      • DAN says:

        MissM,

        YOU SAID IT ALL !

        Love ya to bits !

        DAN>

  • ToneDeafSinger says:

    Hi Plankton, a few years ago I found myself in a slightly similar situation. There was a man I was keen on, and one summer’s day I had a barbecue which carried on into the late evening. One by one everybody else left except him. And then we chatted for another 20-30 mins about this and that (including, I remember, house extensions…) and then he said good night and left. And he is not gay, asexual or whatever because I recently found out (though Facebook) that he recently married and became a daddy. Often men give me the impression they behave like customers in a shop: they have a good look at the merchandise, sometimes even try it on for size and colour, but they can walk away without buying. And that is what this man was doing: considering his options, deciding if I was worth his while. I don’t think the comment posted elsewhere, that some women flirt all night and then reject the man, applies here: these are the young and slim ones who know they can have their pick. Myself, I am 48 and a size 20 and I would not waste my or anybody’s time in this manner. I think Plankton, this is no reflection on you: it was not meant to be. I would not want to be involved with someone who’s half hearted about the situation – who goes for me just because I was all that came his way. That is heartbreak saved for later.

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you for this comment. px

    • Elle says:

      “Often men give me the impression they behave like customers in a shop: they have a good look at the merchandise, sometimes even try it on for size and colour, but they can walk away without buying.”

      One of the best observations from planktonites so far. However, there are few women who can flirt all night and know they can have their pick. Yes, it gets harder for a woman as she gets older but from what I observe it isn’t easy for any woman at any age, even for the pretty ones in their early 20s. The men who surround the women in their 20s are often lecherous drunks that no self-respecting mother would want near her daughter. Tragically, the nicer men can’t get through the swarm of leches and these lovely girls in their 20s may, some years down the line become plankton.

      Smidgen may be very nice and I would give him another chance but if he hasn’t the cojones to take matters into his own hands he could be very hard work indeed.

      • ToneDeafSinger says:

        I read your comment with interest. You know, I suspect when men comment that a woman has flirted all night and then turned them down, sometimes I wonder whether it’s all in the man’s head. Perhaps the woman was not flirting at all, just being polite, especially if the man is a lecherous drunk. Something else happened to me about 20 years ago: I went to the cinema twice with this young man and we chatted, had a drink (orange juice for me). Then I met my then future, now ex husband. The two knew each other so cinema man told future husband to be careful, I must be a bit weird, because we were going out together and then, all of a sudden, I dumped him for no reason. What?!?!?

  • EmGee says:

    Regardless of his behavior, if you yourself had been interested enough, say it was LS instead of Smidge, I think you would have been a bit more forward.

    Second guessing what is going on in another’s mind is a fruitless task, and in my case, invariably wrong. Since we all here know that this happened a week ago or so, I think it is safe to assume the embers are only smoldering if not gone altogether cold.

  • Chris says:

    A lovely lilting piece of writing. You really are on a hot streak at the moment. As for Smidgen, who knows ? The could be a myriad of reasons for his behaviour. Only he knows why he does what he does

  • Lizzie from Oz says:

    Hmmmmm …………… this is a very interesting topic this one isn’t it! It is a shame that the embers can be just smouldering, and then left to go out, when things could have easily been turned around by the slightest movement, on either part. It is a shame.
    But it is there, the elephant in the room. I do think that even though this could be reignited at any time, it instead has been allowed to die completely out. A missed opportunity maybe, but doesn’t it have to FEEL right??
    I am thinking there would be no such trouble if you were in the same room with LS.

  • june says:

    Thank you dear Miss M you have summed up my feelings exactly, and thank you and Dan for your kind words.

    I think sex should evolve as part of a relationship,when you get to know someone, instant sex without love and affection is in my opinion one of the saddest things in the world, and i dont want it.Companionship is much more important.

    As i said i do have many caring friends,its just that they all have partners, i am not a sad single. When i was living with my dad i suppose i as i had him,i didnt notice it so much.

    I agree with you, some of the people writing on this blog are becoming extremely personal and and unpleasant, something i too consider wrong, I always try to be kind and understanding myself, when others are not i find it extremely hurtful. I do sometimes think i want too much but surely just having someone for sake of it is wrong, and in the end will only make you more unhappy.

    .

    • Jo says:

      June. I have NEVER advocated having someone for the sake of it. I can’t think of anything worse. How ghastly. Far better to be on one’s own I think.
      You write that you consider it wrong to be ‘personal and unpleasant’. That you always try to be “kind and understanding myself.”
      With all due respect, the comments that you have hitherto made about men who have contacted you via the internet (or whose details you have viewed), have been anything but ‘kind and understanding’. Damning and generalised scathing. And you have rarely even bothered to meet them. Simply reacted to their profiles. Granted, that you have had disappointments there. But why conclude that a look at others is not worth a damn and that it is dismissed wholesale as wretched?
      I know too many friends who – yes sometimes after some false starts,but what’s wrong with that? Not unlike life I think – have met their wonderful partners (no ‘settling’ there). Enough to know that wholesale unkindness and damning is wrong. and yes, unkind.
      Can you imagine if your details were similarly scathingly written off in the same way? Horrid. Kindness and understanding about some people who have bravely put themselves out there on the internet would begracious. Rather than wholesale generalised lashing of them and it.

    • MissM says:

      I send you hugs June, from me, all the way from Australia. Hang in there, I definitely empathise with you and want to thank you for sharing with us. It is very brave to show vulnerability on the internet, and we can see why. I don’t recall you ever having said an unkind word to anyone, which is a positive character trait indeed.

  • june says:

    Thank you Miss M for your kind words.what you said about having good friends and social interactions but still lacking that person you could have an intimate relationship rings so true.I do have good friends but as i said they do all mostly have partners.Yes i have tried a singles group, perhaps that was what Jo meant when she said i have been unkind, saying they all seem to think they can hide their lonlieness throught getting sloshed, but i dont think that unkind, i think it just being honest, Thats not the way i want to go. These groups are very superficial, people are in them because they are lonely and you never seem to get to know anyone well. My coupled up friends are all people either i worked with for years, or have known since childhood and with them i can feel much more relaxed, comfortable and enjoy socializing,even if they all coupled up, with the singles group i dont feel that way, i just dont.

    Also with men on these websites, i have been out with several, one i got quite keen on til we met and he then seemed a different person, wanting only sex , and as ive said for me that comes later,when i know someone.I can see no point in going out with someone if you find them repulsive, and i have to say many older men are,i dont want to meet someone overweight, who smokes, and doesent live anywhere near me. It seems that my comments that i dont find men of my age attractive is common,i was talking to my hairdresser today and she says she has a friend,same age as me, she said very youthful like you, i didnt say it she did. she feels the same,and i cant imagine her or you with any 60 plus man i know. It seems also i read today many women of 60 plus are divorcing their husbands as too old for them, too boring , set in ways, and looking much older than them ,so i feel i am not unusual or unkind whatever Jo may think. .

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