December 3, 2011 § 51 Comments

Still can’t really move, but I can just enough to stuff my face with chocolate.  Fat arse Plankton speaking.  I no longer need to be thin – what for any more? (actually, maybe let’s not open that can of worms) – so am eating it at a rate which precludes writing a long post today.  It is a consoling but awfully time-consuming business all this chocolate and the chomping thereof.  Many apologies.


§ 51 Responses to Chocolate

  • Lydia says:

    Ah, we get the hug of things. Certain foods, substances and much else have an effect on the seratonin levels in the brain. Chocolate is one of them – it causes a rush of pleasure – affects the same pleasure centres as cocaine no less. You then have a crash. it is one of the worst foods for ensuring personal happiness on any kind of enduring basis. It will make you feel awful.

    Go for a run or any other exercise including tidying cupboards which gets up a sweat, make sure you eat 3 very healthy meals and get very busy. This the true route to happiness. Sex also increases beta endorphins but it sounds like there is not much of that on the horizon for the Plankton so I keep that off this list for today.

    • T Lover says:

      Apropos the medical effects of chocolate and apropos not a lot to do with this blog.

      Half past nine – high time for supper;

      Cocoa, love? Of course, my dear.

      Lydia thinks it quite delicious. Barry prefers it now to beer.

      Knocking back the sepia potion,

      Barry winks, says, Who’s for bed?

      Shan’t be long says Lydia softly, cheeks a faintly flushing red,

      For they’ve stumbled on the secret

      Of a love that never wanes.

      Rapt beneath the tumbled bedclothes

      Chocolate coursing through their veins.

      With grovelling apologies to Stanley Sharpless, Mr Sharpless I’m very sorry about the remains of your poem.

      • Lydia says:

        The incas fond the same with pure cacao. It can act like “speed” actually. I am not a scientist at all but the scientific of various substances and food on bits of the brain is the key to a lot of issues like who is fed up and who is content, who is cross, who is sad, who is moody.

      • Elle says:

        Who is cross, who is sad, who is moody, who is smug, who is condescending and who is patronizing…

      • T Lover says:

        Me – gulty.

  • Fi says:

    Try aversion therapy – join POF

    • Elle says:

      Hahaha – I love it! I was once on the fishy site myself so I know what you’re talking about. Too many offers of “intimate encounters” and nobody seemed capable of stringing a coherent sentence together.

      • Fi says:

        Actually there were a couple that were hysterical. One almost naked man in a yoga pose, pouting at the camera, asking to meet me for a cappuccino and chocolate tiffen cake, who likes reading women’s self help books and cecilia ahern romances. And cries at happy endings in movies. Aye right! I remember New Men from uni days when they clocked that joining feminist awareness groups increased their likelihood of getting a shag. I couldn’t resist going back and asking him if “he was in touch with his feminine side”. Why yes! He was! Thanks to the assertiveness training he was very comfortable expressing himself!! Bet one of his favourite ways was via sex. And another young boy (“hi sexy.”) posting pics of himself in ibiza who must have modelled himself on Jay from The Inbetweeners. I’ve kept their messages and pics to cheer myself up.

    • Brigitte says:

      They don’t call it Plenty of Freaks for nothing.

  • MissM says:

    I read a card that made the claim on the front that “Scientists discover why sex is better than chocolate” and inside the card it said “only joking, NOTHING is better than chocolate”. If I could I would send you that card Plankton.

    Fi is right, POF is excellent aversion therapy. I now only use it to make myself realise I am just so much better off alone than with any of what is on offer on there. Nothing quite as bad as the “on all fours” comment, that was truly outstanding and would have left me speechless, poor you Fi.

    Definitely loads of uneducated or just plain stupid men. I can overlook fat, but I cannot tolerate a lack of intellect. Lots of the “Hi how r u babe” openers, is that the latest mating call used by the human male? Does it ever work? I am pretty sure there are basic tutorial pages that will tell men not to use such a pathetic opener, and give them ideas of what they should say instead. I ignored every single one of those “how r u” openers, though I wonder what would have happened if I had sent back mail merely saying “Fine, thanks for asking”.

    Twinkletoes, while my internet dating experiences are just as dire, they take place in Australia, so it would appear the problem is not solely a British one. I have already scratched Ireland off the list of places to go to find men, Britain is not looking too promising either, does anyone care to comment on the USA?

    • TwinkleToes says:

      Miss M, in response to the “how r u” openers, I have often written back saying “fine, thank you”. The next message was always an offer of sex or there was no response at all.

      So it’s not just the UK, but men in general on dating sites by the sound of it. I think it’s something about the safety of sitting at home hiding behind their PCs that makes them very un-PC in their messages. I wonder how many of them would dare to speak to a woman face-to-face in the same way.

      Like you, PoF is a reminder for me that I’m better off alone than with a jerk. Paid dating sites are no better – I’ve looked at a few others, seeing the same pervy men on them over and over again.

      • MissM says:

        So, an offer of sex or no response at all, thanks for that TwinkleToes, now I know and I can’t say I am surprised.

        I am beginning to think men are not using these sites in a serious attempt to find a loving relationship, but to provide them with sh*ts and giggles when they are bored, or act as an aid for masturbation. With all the porn that is available one would think they could do us a favour and just go to the porn. Then what was left would be a true representation of how many men there are out there for a plankton, but I fear the number would be incredibly low.

      • T Lover says:

        Please. If you don’t mind.

        I have tried the internet a couple of times and still get the odd eMail with “matches”.

        On one site “Bi” women turn up. Just what I need.

        On another 50% of the women are looking for significantly younger men.

        Success rate has been very poor. Both women I have gone on to meet were, how can I say this diplomatically, the predator. One was a monster.

        So please don’t tar “men”, in my experience there are some pretty grim women out there too.

        Anonymously sitting at home with a PC? Just the same behind the wheel of a car? Behaviour changes. Women too.

      • Lydia says:

        Just to be fair none of this is my experience. There are lots of good men out there on-line. Spoke to another today and we might meet. Keep looking.

    • Elle says:

      I know nothing of the USA but one reason there are so few single men of any age in Ireland is that our dire economy is driving them to Australia. So you have a better chance of finding a good Irish man than I do!

    • Brigitte says:

      Same thing in Canada. Really scary stuff in fact.

  • Elle says:

    Plankton, I know exactly how you feel. Not so long ago I went through two bars of Green and Blacks cooking chocolate (one dark, 72% cocoa solids and one milk, 37% cocoa solids). Earlier this week I was trying on the party dress I wore all last Christmas for a desperate and dateless event last Thursday. It’s rather tight. First I thought “better do some exercise to get the lard off” and then I thought “nah, why bother, who cares anyway”.

    I ended up wearing a more forgiving wrap dress to the desperate and dateless. I got lots of attention – for the wrong reasons. The dress is somewhat tighter than last year and most of my weight goes to two particular places. This meant that most of the men I met spoke to my chest and not me.

    I may be plankton but my t*ts aren’t.

    That’s not much of a consolation so I’m going to stay off the chocolate and try to shift the lard.

    In the meantime Plankton you’re perfectly entitled to comfort yourself with chocolate but don’t let Smidgen and Long Shot win – you have to stay in shape for yourself!

  • More or less the same comment as yesterday (Fri. 12/02)- Most (actually all) of my male friends would order a 15″ pizza with extra everything, 2 pints of ice cream, 12 pack of cold beers, a weekend of playing your favorite video games, listen to your favorite albums on cd’s, maybe smoke some specialty herbs imported from the Caribbean, and by late Saturday afternoon, they’ll be saying something to the effect of “…ah she wasn’t that interesting anyway…. other fish in the sea…”

  • june says:

    Good point Fi, you could imagine what life would be like with some of the joys on there, spinsterhood never looked so attractive.

    • MissM says:

      Indeed, “thanks but I’d rather be a spinster” is the most appropriate response when on a dating site.

      As for all the men trawling for sex because they are too poor/cheap to pay for a prostitute, what on earth makes them think the women on these sites are looking to provide the same service to them for free?

      • Twinkletoes says:

        MissM, my theory on that, for what it’s worth. They aren’t just too cheap to pay for it. They want sex with a nice woman who hasn’t been paid for it by hundreds of other men. Doesn’t matter if they dump her afterwards and she gets her feelings hurt. She’s of no consequence.

        I had one prize specimen say that I should be hunting for men to use in the same way, “because women have needs too”. Euw, no thanks!

      • Elle says:

        The economy is in dire straits so they can’t afford a prostitute.

      • Fi says:

        Because actually, some women do trawl these sites offering it for free. In my opinion (only mine) we are bombarded with the message that its normal to have sex with someone you barely know and its empowering, and just as young girls do it, so now do some older women. Speaking to one older woman I know who does it, she says its “fun”. And she likes the anonymity and no follow up contact afterwards.

      • MissM says:

        Oh dear Fi, that friend of yours has an attitude that I cannot comprehend at all. Like a lot of women I cannot separate sex from emotional bonding. Apparently oxytocin, the pair bonding hormone, is released during orgasm in women so it is not just in the mind, so to speak, but a physical response. I just don’t understand how if you like someone enough to get so intimate with them you are then quite content to never see them again.

        A television program discussing the subject recently had young women saying that they didn’t really want to behave as if sex was as meaningless as a game of tennis, but felt pressure was placed on them to act that way or be social outcasts. That is the result of those media messages that having loads of casual sex is an empowering thing. It used to be that a woman would be frowned upon for saying “yes” but now it has gone too far the other way, in that she is frowned upon if she says “no”. Some of them have the strength of character to resist this pressure but others don’t. I find it sad really.

  • But it’s a good way to go ……xx

  • AJ says:

    For once I’m in agreement with Lydia. I’ve learnt that going to the gym, doing a really physical class (such as bodypump) really helps the mental fatigue and knot in your stomach.

    Hope you’ve got friends and family with you this weekend.
    Hugs x

  • Steve H says:

    I’ve had a quick look at POF and recoiled in horror.

    My experience with Match was pretty good . Met some nice women who, when our date chat turned to experiences via Match, confirmed that they too had met some decent blokes.

    Yes , it is far from perfect, but then so were bars/clubs even when we fitted in there!If you dismiss ALL dating sites you are overlooking one of the best(only)dating avenues for people over 40 in the 21st century.

    • Fi says:

      Oy. Recoiling in horror? I’m on there though not for much longer. Maybe I’ll try Match instead then on your recommendation.

      • Twinkletoes says:

        Far from dismissing all dating sites, I’ve checked Same old faces, same old “I’m such a nice guy” profiles. Same men who I met through another paid site, who seemed like nice guys at the first meet, but then sent lewd texts or emails the next day. Same men who subsequently turn up on PoF too. Can’t see the point in paying to meet the same dirty old dogs.

      • Fi says:

        Well where are nice blokes then? They’ve surely not all given up? I don’t agree with all the commentators that say once we hit 40 we’re too old as I can honestly say I get flirted with probably half as much as when I was 20 something – I just think though that it would be nice if some of them were clever, funny and slim so I could fancy one of them. I don’t know why my experience seems to be different from other folk here as I’m no supermodel but I’ve found that as I’ve got older the blokes who are interested in me are still my contemporaries, although I have a lot of young ones too and I think that must be the older woman fantasy. I’d never go there, but that’s quite flattering. Have blokes given up because of bitter divorces? Are they at home on internet dating sites but just well hidden amongst the dross? Are women subconsciously giving out keep away/desperation signals that we aren’t aware of that men pick up on and that’s why they stay away? Or could it be that we can’t read their signals when they are interested, or they’re unwilling to try again? I don’t know but I just don’t believe that we become invisible when we’re older because I haven’t and like I say I’m not helen mirren, catherine deneuve, susan sarandon, kristen scott-thomas, or that lovely french woman who was in chocolat (can’t remember her name). They’re all older yet still very attractive to men.

      • Fi says:

        And it depends what you class as ‘flirting’. I think the young man behind the counter in my local bistro who starts to make my espresso when I go through the door and then brings it to me as soon as I’ve sat down and asks me how I am with a smile, is flirting. Its not going to go anywhere, but it makes me feel good, and attractive, and I smile at him and chat for a minute. And its not just good customer service otherwise there wouldn’t be anybody else left standing at the counter waiting for their coffee to be made and handed over – they’d all be getting their coffee brought to them. I think flirting can be an end in itself- it doesn’t have to go anywhere.

      • Lydia says:

        I am not getting this at all. of course there will be men who want only sex but there are really really loads of men who want a relationship. I spoke to someone for 90 minutes today and had dinner with someone else on Friday.Those two no way just wanted sex. If they had there would be heaps of women 20 years younger they could have it (as they’re reasonably well off). That is only two since Friday.

        Of course most people wanting a boyfriend or girl friend would expect there to be some sex at some point though so it does no harm to find out if the other person is interested but most people our age – late 40s or 50s also need someone they can talk to.

    • Jo says:

      Lydia. Steve H. You are spot on. I don’t know anything about POF but it sounds like a horror.
      I know several planktons who, after some false starts have over time met a great man on the internet and gone on to form long term – still going strong – relationships with them. (None of them ‘must have had very low standards then’ as one commentator unkindly and unfairly wrote in a comment on a recent post here. Not nice. And insulting to those women. They are quite the contrary.). POF seems to be quoted in ghastly terms. The great planktons I refer to did not use that site and it is not the only one. Any viewpoint gained from it should not be taken as a generalised blueprint of internet dating.

  • terracotta says:

    OMG! Your accountant lives across the sea – would that be the Atlantic?! At first I thought you must be India Knight because I thought she had something of a ‘gusset’ allergy and then LS must be Rory Stewart because he’s a great traveller and always trotting round Afghanistan in the face of terrific adversity – but now Im not so sure. He used to be unmarried for a long time but maybe he is now – I refuse to google and check! Mmmm. I really must stay away from the lap top. Glad you have friends and family as well as the chocolate. Plus I presume you still have your own teeth so your’re not gumming it to death – in which case – la vita e bella!

    • The Plankton says:

      I do indeed have my own teeth but am beginning to think I must look like the Elephant Woman. What else can it be? px

      • MissM says:

        Even though I have no idea what you look like, don’t in any way think it is a personal failing of yours, be that in the looks department or anything else, that has resulted in your planktonhood. I have noticed there is a number of physically very attractive women who also still have the status of plankton, so even good looks are not enough to let a woman escape the situation. It would appear that as soon as any woman has her 40th birthday, an inevitable cloak of invisibility is surreptitiously dropped on her.

      • Brigitte says:

        As MissM says, P., don’t take it personally. I used to turn heads; now they look, take a second to realise I’m over forty, and don’t look again. I still look good enough for the initial look, but then they see the slightly sagging skin around the mouth. Age trumps beauty.

  • Sarah says:

    Hang on in there, P, tomorrow is another day… and LS is not worth beating yourself up over.

    Glad you have friends and family to offer moral support.

    I know how you feel – one summer about 6yrs ago, I expected to meet a guy I was mad about. He was a shit, should have called to finalise a weekend date, didn’t, I kept waiting for the call, kept trying to call him. When reality hit, I hit my bed and didn’t get up for a day. Felt a proper adolescent lovesick stupid prat, but it was ‘plus fort que moi’ and I just cried for the rest of the day.

    Big hugs.

  • ToneDeafSinger says:

    Sorry, what is PoF?

  • Chris says:

    Aha, so this is why Britain has the highest percentage of obese women Europe. Unrequited longing is a terrible thing !!

    • Twinkletoes says:

      I wonder what the reason is for all the morbidly obese men that I keep seeing on PoF? Do they harbour unrequired love? They usually describe their build as “average”, or “a few extra pounds”. Several extra stones more like. Curiously, they often state that they are looking for a woman who is slim and attractive and that fat women need not apply because they won’t fancy them. Never fails to make me laugh.

      • Twinkletoes says:

        or *unrequited love even 🙂

      • ex-pond-slime says:

        “unrequired love” is rather good as a phrase (not as a feeling, though!)

      • Elle says:

        Obese IS average for men on both sides of the Irish sea. I had to negotiate my way through a bar of beer bellies at a recent desperate and dateless. Many of the women were under 35 and superiors standard. They didn’t have much more luck than me but as I said, planktonhood starts at 30 in Ireland.

      • MissM says:

        Sorry but fat men are disqualified from making requests along the lines of fat women need not apply. I just made that rule up, but I really like it. It works on the idea of you can only have available to you the equivalent of what you have to offer. It will be filed under ‘rules of fair trade’. Someone should let them know.

      • Chris says:

        You know the problem is we British are not a terribly good looking people….and I mean both sexes. We are not blessed with the greatest features and then we compound this by becoming overweight and dressing really quite badly. If you doubt this go somewhere like Italy, Sweden or Kiev, or Venezuela, whose beauty queen has just won Miss World….again !! Interestingly enough this took place in London but you would never have guessed it from the lack of media coverage in this country. At the same time a lot of British people have a rather inflated view of their somewhat limited charms…again, both sexes. I only add this comment really as perspective, nothing more.

  • rosie says:

    Brigitte, same here re the looks. Some of them even look away like they’ve been stung once they’re close enough to realise you’re not the spring chicken they thought you were. How fucking depressing is that. Makes me want to run up to them, grab them by the collar and scream, ‘I’m not an animal, I’m a hoooman being’. One of these days I won’t be able to stop myself.

  • rosie says:

    Brings to mind that chilling little ditty Marilyn sang, ‘Men grow cold as girls grow old….’ If only I had dome diamonds it might not be that bad.

  • rosie says:

    Fi, how old are you? Forty is very different from nearing fifty. I pulled a gorgeous 35 yr old in a club (I don’t know what I was doing in there but anyway) when I was 42 and saw him for almost two years before he dumped me. He’s now going out with a woman in her late 20s.

    And surely you’ve hit the nail on the head by wanting some of those contemporaries who flirt with you to be ‘funny, clever and slim?’

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