Freak

December 5, 2011 § 84 Comments

You can’t help but feel, what the fuck is the matter with you?

I am no longer eating chocolate or drinking vodka because that isn’t the solution to anything but, after so carelessly letting two twinkles slip through the fingers within a matter of days of each other, and there being not one other in the entire galaxy, I am left with a sense that I am some kind of freak.  Roll up, roll up, I shall be featured soon, just along from the circus, as the top attraction in the Hall of Curiosities, inside a vast glass bottle, my yellowing, distorted body dunked in sour formaldehyde for all to come and stare at in horror at tuppence a gaze.

I have a beautiful friend, just in the process of getting divorced, and the whole concept of planktonhood is one beyond her imagination.  As I say, she is beautiful.  And she has legs.  And she is warm, she is funny, she is cool.  Within moments of being separated from her husband, she has had a number of lovers and more than anyone’s fair share of suitors, and she now has a delightful, charming, kind, successful, well-balanced man in her thrall with whom she is rapidly falling in love.  One doesn’t have to understand quantum physics to glean from that that I must be physically repellent and poor company in the extreme not to have had any such real success in all this time.  I am not fishing for compliments here because none of you has met me and so, bless you, are not in a position to disagree.  And this is not about a certain morbid self-pity beginning to set in here.  I am just thrashing around for explanations because I am so profoundly puzzled.  It seems that a person’s “bad luck” over several years can no longer be deemed to be bad luck when it has gone on for as long as it has with me, but a complete and whole and utter absence of erotic or any other sort of capital to the point of becoming a definite female casualty and failing to function as an ordinary member of the human race.

Any normal person’s bad luck would have run out long ago.  Bad luck just can’t be this tenacious.

I soothingly conclude therefore, very simply and logically and without self-pity and because what else can possibly be the explanation, that I am goose-arse-ugly; fat and vulgar as a bouncy castle; thick as pig-shit; pavement boring; sheep-stupid; petty-bureaucrat-humourless; Scrooge-parsimonious; psycho-weird; withered as an old apple; clip-board-Nazi-unpleasant; hybernatingly-lazy; drain-pipe-dull; stinking as a ewe’s front bottom; playboy-thoughtless; unsexy as an elasticated slipper; graceless as a binge-drinker in the centre of a town of a Saturday night; toothless as the three witches; spotty as damp wall mould; grunge-greasy; frog-lumpen; inelegant as Jeffrey Archer’s prose; Birkenstock-earnest; beanbag-obese; ugly (again) – I mean deep-sea monster ugly ; lacking in vivacity; full of shit; brainless, dangerous, and morally repugnant as a fascist.

Otherwise, how could it be that almost every single man I ever come across gives me a wider berth than some Russian oligargh’s oil tanker?

From now on, I want to stay indoors in my vacuum of hope.  To go outside is to dally with the stuff.  When there is none.

I am bottle-bound.  Formaldehyde, not vodka.

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§ 84 Responses to Freak

  • I think we all feel like that sometimes and it’s not easy to deal with.

    I have a friend who says “It’s just not your turn yet” and I think she is right. When the time is right you (and I) will meet someone worthy of our time and love.

    Che sera, sera eh?

  • Lydia says:

    Chanel said there is no such thing as an ugly woman, just a lazy one. Ms van Teese may have something to teach us all (in one of the weekend’s papers). Or look at page 6 of today’s Times 2 – dwarves or vertically challenged or whatever you call them these days, very happy, many married.

    However men will always seek pretty women just as women want men they find attractive so of course there is some kind of looks currency going on.

    if every man you find attractive wants women who are more attractive than you are then you need to recalibrate your looks settings and go for someo of the bald ones or the ones with ab it of a paunch. Mind you I spoke to one this morning with a beard and rejected him on more and more counts… it was then made clear why he’d not been able to speak at the weekend (the “guests” who precluded a call at any time whatsoever at the weekend) were that he lives with his wife and daughter although (and I believe him) separated in the same house. Where do you go I asked? I suppose woodland can be erotic but it’s not a very long term comfortable alternative I said.. I suspect he’d not thought of that. However I see that as fun, a man I ran rings round and came out of it laughing. I don’t feel plankton like by the fact I’m single and rejected him.

    Just keep a positive attitude and keep going.

    Also one of my best bits of advice for everyone including my children when they have interviews (and people on dates) and it’s a very simple thing everyone can do. Smile. Most of us are attracted to people of warmth and who smile.

    • The Plankton says:

      Thanks, Lydia, though I spend so much time smiling, my face aches, and it still hasn’t got me anywhere. But I shall keep on doing so, if you say so! px

    • TwinkleToes says:

      Lydia, I’ve spoken to the separated-but-still-living-with-the-wife types. It often transpired that the wife didn’t realised she was separated. He was going to approach her about that as soon as Christmas/Easter/the summer holiday was out of the way.

      He’ll expect to be able to come to your warm and cozy home for liaisons. He’ll be very discreet and expects you to be too. So no telling your friends/family that you’re seeing him.

      No thanks, I don’t want to be someone’s dirty secret!

    • Jane says:

      So, Lydia, let me get this straight, you are asking a man you have spoken to for the first time, where he goes for sex? I think that is exactly the kind of conversation most people on here are keen not to have with someone they have never even met.
      I guess it may explain your apparent ease at finding men who are so very keen on you

  • JD says:

    I can’t really judge how you look but you make me laugh tirelessly… none more so than with “I am bottle-bound. Formaldehyde, not vodka.” that had me laughing out loud. A proper LOL. So I know that on at least one of your self-judgements you are very wrong and I can’t help but think you are on the other ones as well.

  • Patrese says:

    Px – I simply cannot believe that one who writes so eloquently can be anything other than eloquent herself. It’s the men in your life who are the freaks for not realising this. One day your prince will come – Rx

  • nutkin says:

    Maybe Plankton, you do not send out the “I’m interested, seriously” signal, maybe this is still parked somewhere that you don’t want to go, subconciously, maybe still reserved. You strike me as a witty, humorous and clever person with a touch of Dawn French about you. I wonder if your considerable skill of wit and humour masks any amorous feelings you might have have towards desired males and they just can’t see through it?

  • rosie says:

    From one freak to another, P, I hate your beautiful friend!

    Nutkin, I have heard it said before that humour in a woman is not conducive to the early stages of courtship. Which, if true, is not only wrist-slashingly depressing but means I want to come back (if there’s such a thing as reincarnation and I hope there isn’t) as a stunningly gorgeous woman of average intelligence who drops dead at 35. Or a man.

  • Penny says:

    Plankton, you are none of these things you say, I’m sure. You have a lot of friends and a full life. IT IS bad luck. I have had awful bad luck when it comes to men, and I’m older than you. Everyone says “you should have been snapped up” and I’ve been told I’m very attractive, its just that I’ve not been there at the right time to meet that right person. I have a friend who is quite attractive, she has been married 3 times, she has never spent more than a week on her own, seriously. I have known her many years. She has always fallen on her feet, sometimes it does get to me I can assure you, I’m only human! She has just been lucky all her life and thats it. I have quite a few Plankton friends, but as you know once you get over 40 its very difficult, we are all in the same boat.

    Do not despair maybe these guys just werent for you. Have the odd vodka and the odd few chocolates, and keep smiling.

  • Jo says:

    No platitudes from this end. I know you’ve heard the lot probably over time – as have most planktons – however benevolently meant. And I know that they are so meant. But sometimes…Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhhh!
    Phew. Sorry about that. Where was I? Oh yes. Oh my goodness P. You are an exquisite and hysterical writer. I’m sure there’s many a bloke here or who read your blog, who must surely have fallen for you by the experiencing the deepest pleasure of reading your words. Today’s had me wanting to hug and console you, whilst laughing out loud at its brilliance. All at the same time. Sublime penmanship. Or should that be pen-womanship? Or some such?
    Anyway. I think whatever you’re doing and thinking whilst wading through a reservoir of wretchedness, is entirely what you should do. However extreme and far- fetched. (As we champions of yours know for sure. Whether we’ve met you or not. We can just TELL.).
    Its what you need to do I think. To eventually wrench you through the other side of this.Hugs as ever.

    • The Plankton says:

      Dear Jo, Thank you for being so lovely about my writing. I am not so sure I agree, but it’s lovely to hear and means a lot. Fuck all else going for me, or so it seems! Pxx

  • rosie says:

    I agree with P, I’m afraid. If she could find a man on the strength of her writing she’d have been coupled up ages ago.

    Ruby Wax once said – and I’m paraphrasing – that she couldn’t get her head round not being able to laugh a man into bed. I agree with that too.

  • MissM says:

    I love to examine things to find the common thread, the factor that might link things, but I can only conclude it is down to luck, as Penny said. As fickle and elusive as that is. There are attractive people who are alone, and attractive people who are never alone. There are ugly people who are alone and there are ugly people who are never alone. There is nothing that is different in the group of people as a whole who are alone vs the group of people as a whole that never are.

    One thing that does stand out however, and I have friends who say they have noticed the same thing, there are some incredibly self-centred b*tches in the world who have the loveliest, most adoring, devoted husbands. I don’t know why this is so, I can only comment on what I and others have observed. By the way, I mean not just nasty to people who are not their husband, but nasty to their husband as well. I do not understand it at all. The only conclusion I have come to is that the best strategy is in fact to be a really nasty self-centred b*tch.

    That or be lucky.

    • The Plankton says:

      Dear MissM, My thoughts ENTIRELY. This is something I, too, have observed, for a very long time. I think I feel a post coming on… Perhaps I am not with anyone because I am not enough of a bitch!? Px

      • MissBates says:

        Oh my — there was a VERY popular book, I’m going to say 4 or 5 years ago now, entitled “Why Men Love Bitches.” I believe it even had a sequel, “Why Men Marry Bitches.” I saw it again recently on display in a bookstore, so can only assume it’s still in print.

      • EmGee says:

        Perhaps the phrase: “Nice guys finish last” applies to women as well. I am afraid I have to agree about the behavior of self centered cows, who, in their aftermath, leave a lot of once bitten, twice shy men. Making it doubly tough for us nice girls.

    • Elle says:

      I’ve noticed that as well. Perhaps it’s because the nasty self-centred cows don’t care if a man is married or has a girlfriend. Or if her best friend fancies him. While the rest of us would take time to get to know a man properly nasty self-centred cows rush in, grab the guy by the wallet and the balls and hold him tight in a vice grip for as long as they want him.

      I think that where good men are in short supply nasty self-centred cows win out because they will sink to any depths to get what they want.

      Despite this I can’t find it in me to be a nasty self-centred cow. So I’ll probably stay single.

  • MissBates says:

    Your friend is very lucky indeed, to have gone from husband to lover(s) to boyfriend without, it appears, missing a step. It does seem for some/most of us, though, that the longer we are without the validation of having a man (yes, validation — I don’t view it as such but society sure as hell does so what does it matter what I think) the harder it is to get one. It’s the dating version, I suppose, of the old job-search adage that you can only find a new one if you’re already employed.

    The longer we are plankton, the more our friends and co-workers see us and treat us as such, in ways both subtle and blatant. And so the more we feel it. And the more we feel it, the less confidence we have. And the less confidence we have, the more we retreat. And so our world shrinks, exacerbating the whole damn problem. I KNOW you are whip-smart and funny and articulate and I IMAGINE you as being attractive and stylish and just generally well-put-together. In other words, not quite ready for the bottle of formaldehyde yet, Plankton.

    • The Plankton says:

      Dear Miss Bates, Thank you and I agree totally about the whole validation thing being a vicious circle. And, I’ll put off the formaldehyde a while longer, if you say so! Px

  • zoe says:

    To cheer you up, P (and anyone else who needs a bit of a fillip), this is what American Andy Rooney had to say on the matter:
    “As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, ‘What are you thinking?’ She doesn’t care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it’s usually more interesting.Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress..,Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig for just a little sausage’

  • Jo says:

    Fuck all else going for you? I know it feels like that right now and I can totally understand why.
    But dear P. No. No. Don’t you dare think that. Only for a miniscule of time. ‘Cos we all go through that. But you have so much going for you. Deep down you know you do. It is clear. (Yes. I know you’ll refute this, as in,”how would you know?” But you know there’s more to you even than your exquisite writing.). The situation is not that you have fuck all else going for you. It is that where the hell are the fuckers who above all else should be going for you? Pronto.

  • Fi says:

    I think (barring extreme weight gain) we basically retain the same level of attractiveness as we age. If you were a 2/10 at 25 then you’re still that at 55 unless you’ve had a radical makeover. If you were an 8 then unless you’ve had a massive weight gain or something similar then you’re more than likely still an 8. And that seems to be borne out by what people are saying here from their experiences – those who say they are unsuccessful say they were never that successful even when younger. That’s the angle I would tackle it from – upping myself to an 8 whether by changing my image, building my confidence, getting flirting training, whatever I felt I was lacking in. Separately there is the additional problem that men don’t look after themselves, and finding one that’s single and attractive is harder, but that’s not a reflection on our lack of attractiveness. It’s a numbers game. It seems to me that Plankton must be pretty attractive to have quite so many men interested in her to the extent they have been, when she is meeting so few that are single in the right age bracket in the first place. When we were 20 something we met hundreds of single and available blokes in the pub or at uni and there was no way you expected even 10 percent of them to fancy you, yet now you expect 100 per cent of the eligible men you do meet (which may be only 1 a month in your normal life) to fancy you or you take it as meaning you’re not attractive. Its not about how attractive YOU are in those cases, it about the low number of eligible and attractive men. My solution would be to increase massively the number of single men you come into contact with – and I think internet dating is the only way to do this – and look on a 10 per cent response rate as excellent, and improve how our presentation so we look more attractive. I’m sure that I will get lots of criticism for saying this, but it seems the only logical approach to take.

    • Fi says:

      Oh and instead of asking your women friends whether you’re attractive to men (how would they know??), ask your men friends. And ask them to be honest. Then listen to what they say. They’ll be speaking from your target audience’s perspective and are going to be more useful sources of advice than women. Although getting info out of them is never easy – look at all the ones who read these pages but rarely comment. Although when they do no-one listens anyway unless they say what people want to hear. And really what’s the point of that?

      • The Plankton says:

        You know, I have often thought of canvassing all my male friends for what I am doing wrong, but shelved that idea for fear of hearing the all too honest and depressingly slit-my-wrists-right-now answers, even if couched in the politest and most diplomatic terms! px

      • Fi says:

        A bloke I know says I can’t hide the fact that I think all the men he introduces me to are tossers and that’s my downfall. My response is ‘who wants a tosser?’. Introduce me to a man who isn’t one then and I won’t have to pretend. And before any bloke here jumps in to defend these poor blokes – they really are tossers.

      • june says:

        But Fi youve seen what internet dating is like, do you really think any of us have any chance of meeting anyone on it. I really dont think we have. We all seem fairly discriminating women. If we were not perhaps we would have a chance. But none of us seem very impressed with whats on offer. I know POF is free but its my experience the paid ones are little better.

        I did what you said once bout 2 years ago, asked a man why he thought men were not interested in me . I asked a man i was at school with, hes happily married but has known me since i was 11. He thought for a moment, then said june do you really want the truth, i said yes i asked you, he said you are attractive, you are still slim,you look very young for your age, in fact of all the women who were in our class, you have worn better than any, you are a nice person, but you are just not sexy, you are very glam, glam i said, hardly, no he said you are, but sexy no, you just dont have it. Well i wanted the truth,ive never dared ask another man since. But when i have had the odd date and its been a disaster,i have thought of what he said..

      • Fi says:

        Hi June – I haven’t given up on POF yet. I think in amongst all the loopers and the ones hunting women for sex, there must be some nice ones. I mean nice blokes exist, they must internet date too if they want to meet women, so there’s as much chance of them being there as anywhere else. I might have to take this back of course if I get any more “all fours” comments – interestingly he emailed today to ask if I’d changed my mind. Aha ha ha ha – but I have to give it a proper shot. I get what your bloke said about glam – mess your hair up a little and look more dishevelled. I knew a woman who was beautiful, perfect make up, smooth highlighted hair, great figure, but intimidating to other women. Not sure how men perceived her but I think probably as cold. She was in her 60s and as I am now 50, I try to retain a bit of dishevellment so I’m not giving off unapproachable vibes. Here’s something else interesting (you might not find it so of course) I have put 2 pics on my website. In one I look quite pretty. In the other I’m smiling and looking straight at the camera over the top of my specs. It is the second photo that appears to be generating the interest with blokes saying I look ‘dirty’. I mention this only to draw attention to the fact that its not how nice my hair is, or how pretty my features are that’s generating the interest, its the photo in which I look pretty rough but look as though I’d be good in the sack. Just sharing in case anyone wants to play up that angle of themselves instead of fussing about their figure or make up, cos I think that’s what attracts them.

      • MissM says:

        I’ve always made an effort with my appearance to do the best with what I’ve got. I’d have thought all plankton did the same. As I am in the not much luck when I was young category I am going to be in the shit out of luck category now. If I need to meet at the very least 10 eligible men in order to find one that likes me, I have zero chance, since I’m struggling to find one man who is not like the aforementioned “bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress”.

        Your logic makes perfect sense. Unfortunately. Please pass me the chocolate.

    • ex-pond-slime says:

      Fi, you often say just what I am thinking.

      I agree: “increase massively the number of single men you come into contact with” + “improve how our presentation so we look more attractive” + in my case, really work on the mental side, believing that I am loveable and have love to give, and that every potential man, no matter how resistible at first sight, is a human being worthy of consideration (in both senses of the word) and that spending a little time finding out more about him is going to be fun.

      The first night in my life that I went out with all those boxes ticked was the night I met my husband. I’m sure that luck had a lot to do with it too, but I think all the things I did turned my chances from 1 in 10,000 to about 1 in 10.

      Mind you, after all that effort, I was ready to think that the first man to ask me out was the one! Perhaps that was all it took, or perhaps I’m just really really lucky.

      eps

      • Jo says:

        Oh blinking hell. I’ve said it a thousand times here and I’ll say it – yet – again.
        From what I’ve read here, POF sounds ghastly. But it is not the blueprint for every dating site on the internet. Taking it as such is generalised and misleading.
        Again I say that I know several planktons who over the years have met a really fab man on the internet and gone on to forge great, long lasting – still going strong – relationships with them. Yes there were more than a few false starts with this. (Not unlike life, hey?). Yes, there are some fuckwits, idiots, deeply unattractive in every way, sex – seeking only – charlatans on there. (Ditto not unlike life.). But it has worked out eventually for enough of these planktons for me to witness that it is more than worth giving it a go. Plus, I say AGAIN that all of these women are ‘fairly discriminating’. So the comment that ‘if we were not, (‘fairly discriminating women’) perhaps we would have a chance’ is unbelievably crass and insulting to these women. As was the comment in a former post last week – from the same person – that those who have had success on the internet ‘must have low standards’. Your experience is your experience – June – . But this sort of unkindness and rudeness to those who may have succeeded is beyond the pale. And they don’t deserve such damning words.
        And no. This is not an attack. Just truth, in the face of these repeated
        slurs on some other great, brave planktons.

  • Caro says:

    Another nail hit on the head there, dear Plankton. You really are the spokewoman for planktonhood and if it is any consolation, I (and probably a huge swathe of our fellow planktons) know precisely how you feel. Although, I doubt we could have expressed it in such a ragingly witty manner!

    While I know you really feel it’s true, I am equally sure you are none of the things you described yourself as. Which is why it is always so puzzling as to why we sit gathering dust on the proverbial shelf. One of life’s impenetrable mysteries. Shame, Brian Cox can’t come up with some explanation for that.The universe seems easier to understand!

    And a giant raspberry to the friend.

    Ahh, vodka and chocolate – cannot be beaten. In moderation, obviously! Just say no to the formaldehyde.

    • The Plankton says:

      I promise I’ll shelf the formaldehyde for a little while longer, Caro. And thanks for the kind words about the writing. It’s lovely to feel the readers of this blog appreciate me, if nobody (ie. available men) else does. xxx

  • Caro says:

    Rats. That should be spokeswoman.

  • Erin says:

    Wow, that paragraph made me howl – that was brilliant – but does not at all apply to you. I used to play these games with my head too, P. Why did she get a man before me? I’ve been single longer. Why did so and so deserve to find someone before me? The fact is, you don’t know what her situation is. She could have had every one of these men while she was still married. Mr. Wonderful could be a 2 year affair behind hubby’s back. I have said before, you never know what goes on behind closed doors, and it is so true. This man could be utterly charming in public and a total bastard at home. So please don’t do this to yourself – it will just make your imagination spin out of control and make you anxiety ridden. I was a Plankton for 15 years! I was 47 when I met my husband. Life is not over for you, dear P. But, (and I know I will sound like a nag here and a broken record) you will have to expand your way of meeting men. Two or three spins a year is not going to get you what you want. So I beg you again, please check out internet dating sites. What have you got to lose?
    Sending out a massive hug to you (and I do smell like a yak’s ass because I just got up and am headed to the shower) but you my dear, are no sheep’s bottom.

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you, Erin, that’s nice to know xx

    • EmGee says:

      That reminds me of a Plankton post awhile back where our heroine was bemoaning the fact that one of her single friends seemed to have men hanging off her like ripe fruit, only to have to redact that statement when the truth was revealed that the woman was somewhat of a stalker, and appearances can be misleading. This is especially true when we are down on ourselves, and the grass always looks greener.

  • rosie says:

    Oh yes, the bitch factor. If all women are supposed to love a bastard it’s no doubt the same in reverse.

  • Housewife83 says:

    I’ve observed this phenomena too, beautiful/pretty women are never short of admirers whereas I being of the distinctly average sort was on the shelf for a while.

    It’s not much consolation but I’ve often observed by watching my pretty friends that being in the pretty category brings its own problems. Led by their baser instincts men gravitate to pretty women very quickly without really examining what that women is actually like more then skin deep. They don’t examine her personality, her dreams and ambitions or hopes for the future. Then they end up disappointed with the women because she doesn’t or can’t fulfil their deeper needs and she ends up chucked through no real fault of her own.

    Alternatively the pretty women has no reason to ever commit because their is always the chance of a better prospect on the horizon. I know many pretty women who have ended up alone and childless without really knowing how despite the fact they always had tonnes of admirers. They still have people to flirt with of course but that just causes them to self sabotage even further.

    I’m sure there is nothing wrong with you, your blog shows that you are far two self aware to be operating in the world in an unelegent or repugnant way. I’m sure despite your protests you’re not bad looking either 😀

  • Elle says:

    Plankton, your divorced friend is just very lucky. She is the dating equivalent of a lottery winner. Or maybe she had another man lined up before she got divorced. I read somewhere that most people who get divorced and remarry or move on to other relationships have those relationships lined up while they’re in the old one. I thought that was called CHEATING but it seems like the only way to get into another relationship when you’re a certain age is to be in one first, and line up the successor.

    A word of advice: vodka tastes better than formaldehyde.

  • Geoffrey says:

    P – I have a suggestion. I don’t remember you writing a post on your 25 year old self – how easily you found it to attract men then, and what they found attractive about you. Can we hear more about that time? Maybe writing about it would give you a filip. I agree with Fi – one never loses totally the attractiveness we had in our youth – and even if certain bits get saggier, we compensate by growing in confidence, and certainty about what we want and need. And lastly – I am definitely one of the men that has fallen for you on the basis of words alone!

  • GILLY BEAL says:

    I am with you on that one. I can’t quite believe that there is another woman who is as freaky as me. What a comfort – sort of. But really, to hear that you feel the same way as me – I have been a plankton for 7 years bow. I really appreciate your honesty. Made me feel a whole lot netter. BTW you live in the UK; try being a Plankton in Asia. Planktnhood to the power of 10.

  • Steve H says:

    “stinking as a Ewe’s front bottom..”

    Superb and caused me to laugh loudly in a quiet office. I’ll blame ‘ewe’ if I get sacked 😉

    Who doesn’t like to wallow in self-pity from time to time?My advice would be – go for it , for a while.

    The “no men” myth…..Over the last few days several people have been repeating this canard that there are no men(save the SFAR crowd) . This is just so not true.

    As a couple of people have posted today,the real reason for plankton(of boths sexes) status is down mainly to luck. We all know some people of both sexes (however “physically challenged” )that seem to always have a partner while the opposite also applies.

    While thinking luck is the biggest factor, surely it pays to improve the odds- hence online dating and the like..

    The opinions on dating sites seem to range from the bitter, negative “all men on dating sites are fat/ugly/only wanting sex” to the Lydia -esque “I’m having such fun”

    As always, the truth surely lies somewhere in between. Go for it*!

    * But not on PoF

    • june says:

      Ive tried white label dating thats under my local papers name, match.com, match affinity, friends reunited and one called Dating over 50, now closed down. As i am still a plankton i think that speaks for itself, Before anyone thinks its me being over choosey,i have a friend, same age as me, divorced 6 years and shes tried them all,and shes also still a plankton too, and she is still a very attractive women. We both live in the same city, not a sparesely populated rural area.

      Think possibly if under 50 might still have a chance, not a great one, and you would still have to kiss lots frogs, but possible, over 50 getting harder, over 55 harder still, over 60 forget it,unless you are prepared to accept anyone that is actually breathing and doing very little else.

    • MissM says:

      I agree that internet dating sites are pretty much the only avenue we have to meet someone. Yes there are some success stories of people meeting via these sites. It is correct that if we don’t give them a go we are doing ourselves a disservice by taking away a chance of meeting Mr Close-Enough-to-Right.

      At the same time has anyone actually tried getting non-biased statistics on the success rates of these sites? (As in statistics not published by the sites themselves, which they massage into something that best benefits the business.) They are quite hard to come by and I think it has something to do with the fact that they are not all that flattering to any of the sites. The most recent reputable page I found said that 90% of people left dating sites without having met anyone. So 1 in 10 people provide us with those feel good stories, the people we know of, or hear of, that have met someone. But 9 out of 10 will find themselves as alone as before.

      So let’s not get too carried away with the greatness of online dating, the online dating site is not necessarily going to mean an end to planktonhood. It is a numbers game, and the numbers are still not good.

      I need more luck. Lots more luck.

      • Fi says:

        I think though that we have to look on internet dating as simply an introduction service and nothing more than that. It gives us access to a large number of people who may be eligible, and exposes us to the same people. It’s up to us what happens from then on in, and whether it works or not.

      • Jo says:

        Hi MissM. I did not write about nor put forward the view that online dating had any ‘greatness’ at all.
        I merely said that I had known enough people over the years who had had some luck on it. (And yes, you’re so right. It is a numbers game I guess.).
        I put it forward as therefore, perhaps giving it a go. Maybe. Or maybe not. Whatever one wants to do.
        But I couldn’t bare the constant slating of it as an avenue – that may have worked for a few, but it did work. So at least they had a result.
        Nor could I bear the remarks attributed to those planktons I know (all over 50 and one 65) who, because they had had success, must therefore have ‘low standards’ (not so ). Or not be ‘discriminating’.
        I felt this unfair and downright rude and wanted to offer another point of view to the slagging off of the internet route. And these brave planktons.
        (As are we all.).

  • Barry says:

    GREAT BLOGGING P Thank you ….it must have hurt …a little , no one could write that wonderful script if were really applicable…Why not “Flirt” a bit ? As long as you are not serious, it really boosts ones self esteem…I find .

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you, Barry. But flirt with whom? Px

      • EmGee says:

        “But flirt with whom?”
        Anybody! The 20-something slacker serving lattés at the coffeebar, the guy standing next to you at a crosswalk waiting for the light to turn green. The simple act of innocent flirting has a very positive effect on a person’s self esteem and feeling of well being. True!

        Maybe those fat balding old men know something we don’t, when they constantly try to engage the sweet young things.

  • Liz says:

    I know how you feel. I remember one evening when I went into an emotional tailspin over the fear that I must have bad breath, and all these years everyone has been too afraid to tell me, and that is why I have been alone.

  • terracotta says:

    Lawks Miss Plankton you are in the doldrums. You can’t be that bad or Channel 4 would be queueing up for a documentary. Your writing reaches new heights when you are being thwarted in love – if you meet someone it will be ‘Went to Sainsbury’s’ The End. Where to go now after the chocolate and Vodka – will it be ‘Plankton does Mechanical Engineering evening class’ or ‘Plankton goes on a Singles Cruise’? My latest fixation is that you are in fact a man, and AA Gill to boot!

  • Sarah Perris says:

    There is no logical explanation. All I can say is that it took me over 10 years to find someone – and he is not at all what I thought I was looking for. And I would like to think that I am relatively attractive, sexy, intelligent, good company etc. etc. It’s the roll of the dice

  • Dawn says:

    “… goose-arse-ugly; fat and vulgar as a bouncy castle; thick as pig-shit; pavement boring; sheep-stupid; petty-bureaucrat-humourless; Scrooge-parsimonious; psycho-weird; withered as an old apple; clip-board-Nazi-unpleasant; hybernatingly-lazy; drain-pipe-dull; stinking as a ewe’s front bottom; playboy-thoughtless; unsexy as an elasticated slipper; graceless as a binge-drinker in the centre of a town of a Saturday night; toothless as the three witches; spotty as damp wall mould; grunge-greasy; frog-lumpen; inelegant as Jeffrey Archer’s prose; Birkenstock-earnest; beanbag-obese; ugly (again) – I mean deep-sea monster ugly ; lacking in vivacity; full of shit; brainless, dangerous, and morally repugnant as a fascist…”

    We’re never going to fit that on our club T-shirt.

  • june says:

    O Plankton i have been sitting here having a bit of weep about my situation and then i read your blog, and it says what i have been thinking so completely about myself.Why me,im not that grose surely. We are not plankton,look at how many of us there are on this blog. How happy are all these people who have relationships,do they stay together because they dont want to be like us,we dont really know do we,do they put up with things we wouldnt, i know how you feel,we all do, but why do we always blame ourselves, we are what we are. I beat myself up to about it, as you do.But should we.

    Met a friend today for lunch, we discussed christmas, its only one day june she said,this women has been happily married for 30 odd years,she has no kids, her mother is still alive,she has a niece she is very close to. Dont get me wrong she is a kind women,we meet every two weeks,she emails me every day as she knows how i am,she is one of the friends im out with friday night. But how can she possibly understand what its like to be me, in my position. It may only be one day but it seems like im the only damm person who will be alone.

    When i got home went into my facebook page to see a quote from someone i usedto work with years ago,about me,saying i was too outspoken,this is why im single as i happened to say i cannot understand why people like x factor!. I really needed that didnt i. She said Karma june Karma. I deserve to be alone then do i. No i bloody dont.nor do any of us on here, we just are.

  • Patrese says:

    If I were single (and younger) I now know the first place I’d come looking for a new partner – all the commenters on your blog!

  • ToneDeafSinger says:

    I can’t write much as I’m in my iPhone on a train but Plankton I think you got it right on the first ever blog of yours that I read. You could be the sexiest most attractive etc woman in the world and – still there would be no men. Other than SFAR. I don’t blame myself and I don’t think you should blame yourself or feel bad, either.

  • rosie says:

    I think some women, even the pretty ones, aren’t that fussy, which is why they always have partners. I’ve got friends whose boyfriends I wouldn’t touch with a barge pole and I try to hold that thought as some kind of consolation but it doesn’t really work because I know they’re not the ones who are unutterably miserable. And even if they’re not ecstatically happy they’re not miserable enough to dump them for planktonhood. Quelle horreur!

    As for Jeffrey Archer’s prose there is nothing and no one as inelegant, not even a ewe’s stinky front bottom!

  • Carolyn says:

    Sorry to be a lone dissenting voice but you have everyoe rushing out Plankton and are riding a tidal wave of self-pity…..both LS and S deserve another go – you have dismissed them so quickly for no real reason.
    I have been divorced 12 years and in four good relationships….one current. Re-assess your situation – and give these guys a second chance!

    • Lizzie from Oz says:

      Definitely. It seems rather odd that everyone accepts the fact that you have dismissed these two, plus dismissed any comments that ask you to reconsider, plus have not given any real, concrete and understandable explanation for doing so.
      Yet everyone is riding the tidal wave with you.
      I sympathised. I asked you to eat chocolate tenthousandfold. Now I want to hear why.
      I am number two dissenting voice.

      • The Plankton says:

        Sorry. I do read every single comment but the volume is increasing daily – which is absolutely fantastic – and while I try to answer many, it’s becoming increasingly difficult and some do slip through the net. To answer your question: I haven’t dismissed either of them out of hand. I still like both of them. But I have come to a point with both of them when I need them to do the running. If they do, I am open to suggestion. If they don’t, and I doubt they ever will, then so be it. Proof of the pudding and all that. I did my best but now I have done my bit, I feel, and there is little more I can do. As it happens, I saw Smidgen yesterday and he was very sweet and later sent me a text to which I will send a friendly reply. And, four days after receiving LS’s rather self-obsessed email, I did send a short but friendly response. I am polite but no longer on a mission because when I was, the mission was far from accomplished. It bombed so I lost the will. Best wishes, Px

  • Leftatforty says:

    I am beautiful, just in the process of getting divorced. I have legs.  I am warm, I am funny, I am cool. I am a plankton too.

    It is not you, Plankton. It is them. As you said, no one to flirt with…

  • Penny says:

    My goodness Plankton, you have had 59 comments! a lot of supporters. A lot of encouragement, so dont worry. 🙂

  • rosie says:

    Leftatforty, if you’re just in the process of getting divorced you hardly qualify as plankton. Try 14 years more or less (with too much of the ‘more’) on your own! And if you’re as beautiful as you say and still only 40 chances are you won’t be on your own for long.

    • Leftatforty says:

      Thank you Rosie. But I am plankton. It is an state of mind and that is how I feel and hence what I am. I was left and cheated on, see? I obviously wasn’t beautiful enough…

  • mary says:

    As a new reader and subscriber I am amazed by how your thoughts and musings echo so many of my own. It’s uncanny. I have laughed and laughed and wept a little. Imagine though, being a widow, just the otherside of 50? Catastrophic!

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