Place Your Bets

December 9, 2011 § 35 Comments

I have to admit, I dragged myself to last night’s thing which isn’t entirely my sort of thing – cocktail sausages round someone’s fire and a few carols – because, as someone said and people always say, “You never know.”  Well, I kind of did know, I always know, but I went anyway, because I thought, well, I guess I am not completely omniscient.

It wasn’t enormously well attended and then only by people in their sixties upwards, the upwards lot with walking-sticks, but I had a very cosy welcome.  There was a fellow plankton friend who whispered, “Thank God you’re here.”  Well, I stayed long enough to hear Once in Royal and Hark, the Herald, and to join in very feebly, in between bouts of sausages and hot prunes wrapped in bacon.  I escaped to go and sit on Charlotte’s sofa with chocolates (only three!) and we gossiped and measured the circumference of our thighs, as you do, and giggled like teenagers.  Bliss.

Tonight it is a big thing and we are promised a “sumptuous” dinner.  I much prefer dinners not to be sumptuous, both in terms of a certain objection to the word itself, and not liking to eat too much quite so long before the assault by turkey and Christmas pudding and the general feeling of all round circumference appreciation which so faithfully delivers at this time of year.  Anyway, my friend who is organising this dinner tonight and sent out the invitations back in October, is one of those rare beacons who likes to bring people together.  She says there will be in the crowd no fewer than four single men.  And four plankton.  The symmetry is perfect, but of course the sums may not add up.

I am looking forward very much to meeting these fellows but thought it might be amusing to start a virtual (not real money, just guesses) wager on how many of the four men will be bringing their sumptuous new girlfriends, and how many of the four plankton will have a wonderful new man in tow?

Let’s just take a wild guess, eh?   Until I can with any luck provide the answers in tomorrow’s post.


§ 35 Responses to Place Your Bets

  • Sarah says:

    Just make sure you look drop dead gorgeous and up the stakes.

  • Lydia says:

    If the women are pretty non planktons and the men are planktonian men you will never match up. If the plankton women are true planktons and them en are superior, ditto.
    If you’re all mediocre you’ll get on fine. if you’re all great you will too.

    Have fun.

    It’s rather sad that I can be so internally happy not going to single social Christmas even other than with my own chilren and you can be at 72 or whatever the real number is and yet feel lonely.

    I think it’s about psyche, not our respective situations.

    After my rush of 6 men in 3 weeks (only met 3 of the 6 though) I will probably have a little break.

  • Jude says:

    I’ll start the ball rolling with: 2 of the men will bring SNG’s and 1 of the planktons will have a WNM in tow.

  • MissBates says:

    Well, were they invited with dates? Or did your hostess invite them solo? I will take a stab at it anyway, based on my own recent forays into the social quagmire:

    One will have a new Young Thing with him.

    One will spend the entire evening pontificating about the Eurodebacle, despite being ill-informed on the subject, but the other three plankton will be gathered about him with rapt attention. He will take two of the their phone ## but will call neither of them.

    One will be seated next to you (your hostess is so kind and well-meaning!) and he will not turn to speak with you — not once, the whole evening.

    One will have a comb-over and bad breath.

    All four will look through you as though are you invisible.

  • Barry says:

    One Man with a G/F ..No planktons with a new man . Go Gettem’ !

  • Elle says:

    Enjoy the sumptious dinner tonight. Make sure you look fabulous, enjoy the dinner and don’t worry about the men.

    My guess: one of the men will be Smidgen, another will be Long Shot, both on their own, another one will be a Daniel Craig lookalike with a new girlfriend 20 years younger and the other will be SFAR with halitosis, BO, no dress sense or social skills but with a hugely inflated opinion of his eligibility. He will drive everyone mad rabbiting on about his travels in South America, Thailand and the Philippines.

  • Geoffrey says:

    If I learn one thing from this blog it is to brush my teeth 5 times a day obsessively.

    • Lydia says:

      One of the men I recently had dinner with had terrible breath. It really does matter. A seasoned adulterer I know (although not “know” in the biblical sense as I’m not into that) on the other hand always seems to be off the dental hygienist and carries various emergency breath products such as gums and chewing gum.

      I dental floss my teether 365 days a year and never miss a dental appointment. These basic things can really matter.

      Yet another man who was quite keen has, despite being about to sell out for £10m, the worst teeth I have seen in London other than on a tramp and it is quite a thing for me to say that because I don’t haev high American standards and i don’t want or need ridiculously white straightened teeth but some teeth and looking after them makes a difference.

    • Bambi says:

      And could you spread the word too, Geoffrey? Please? 🙂

    • EmGee says:

      Flossing is a must.

  • Joules says:

    Apparently the real Daniel Craig is only 43 – and his new bride is 41. So not sure either fit the bill of planton age or in fact 20 years younger girlfriend.

    However, if your average plankton man does look like Daniel Craig I would agree that he somehow thinks he should have a girlfirend of 20 less years. Interesting isn’t it? Makes the real Craig all that more attractive.

    My guess is that at least one of the Plankton men will have a girlfriend, which if they have not brought her (i.e. not invited) they will spend the whole evening talking about so that you don’t get the wrong idea.

    My advice – for what it is worth – is to look as good as you can, laugh as much as you can and come away with a warm fuzzy feeling that you have such good friends. And you don’t have to do the dishes!!

  • rosie says:

    There will be three hideous knowitalls with comb-overs and the fourth will be vaguely passable but spend the entire evening staring down the Grand Canyon cleavage of mutton-dressed-as-lamb plankton.

    They will all look like George Clooney, the female planktons will be fat and hideous and you will go home with four phone numbers.

  • EmGee says:

    “how many of the four men will be bringing their sumptuous new girlfriends…,”

    It’s just my opinion, but the men will have dates, even if they have to pay a girl*, because they couldn’t stand the embarrassment of coming alone. Planktons, on the other hand, wouldn’t want to give the impression that they are ‘taken’, so will arrive alone.

    *(I don’t mean a ‘professional girl’, just someone who will go to a dinner party if the payoff is an expensive gift, straight up hard cash, or just a chance to mingle with interesting company – esp if there is potential to snag some other man-not-her-date – and also, if you are paying, why not get a pretty one?)

    • Joules says:

      Emgee – in which case who would want them anyway?

    • Lydia says:

      An ex boyfriend fo mine who looks pretty good, alpha male ish etc does this but the other way round for a good female friend. She dosen’t like to go to dinners etc on her own and he is great company so he goes as her “walker”. No money is involved although both are pretty well off and she’s mega wealthy. I suppose it shows that if you’e in that position as a woman it’;s not hard to find men for dinners and dates. It is no different from with men,.

      So the moral is get your daughters to found their own companies, become actuaries or whatever else it takes so that they (a) are not reliant on men for money (b) aren’t plankton when they are older and (c) can attract men – huge numbers of men seem to like that I’m reasonably well off because their ex wife earned a pittance and then took what was left on the divorce and they are fed up with women who leech on men financially and (d) even if they can’t attract them they can always ensure they have a decent one for dinners etc in the way this lady does..

  • june says:

    Well plankton im out tonight too, meal with my closest girlfriends , all apart from 1 have partners, so dont expect i will meet anyone, but they are all good friends, all good company so will be a nice night. Hope you have good time to.

    I was just re reading some past blogs and comments and it suddenly struck me, when i read the comment from someone about the hole in prospective lovers underpants and she then couldnt do anything, All of us alone are like this, we wont accept what lots of other women would. Id have been like her. I have friends, attractive, charming, fastidious women who have accepted men who were not like this ,but it was someone, better than being alone, they presumably thought and they have improved them somewhat, but not so much that you sometimes think she could do better. So maybe plankton that is the answer,i dont think i can change my standards,can you, but it does make you think..

  • Margaux says:

    Laughing at MissB and Elle’s responses!

    One will behave like he’s single & available and flirt with all and sundry but actually have an SNG tucked away somewhere. This fact he will reveal just as he is leaving

    One will be recently divorced, his wife having run off with the foreman of the newly built loft extension. He will be moaning to anyone who will listen about the appalling price of building work

    One will be SFAR. Over dessert and too much brandy he will suddenly announce he is gay. No one will be surprised.

    And one will be acting like a rutting stag in the midst of a field of planktonian doe. But our Plankton will pronounce him a No Doe area due to his lack of literary appreciation and dodgy clothes sense.

    As for your fellow planktons. An absence of WNM and the heels and the cleavage count will be high …

    Have fun!! x

  • Redbookish says:

    Have a wonderful time. Just go to enjoy yourself, and enjoy the food.

  • EmGee says:

    All 4 men had facial hair, amirite?

  • Dawn says:

    This is what contacts me via online dating sites:

    “they see me as a work alcholic. that is one of my problems i am always smiling. my children is my most cherished things. also my grandchrilden. some one to love for the rest of my life. i am looking for understanding in my partner, i am very passionate about fishing.”

    Help. Me.

    • Fi says:

      I get much younger ones;

      “come on bbe! cany believe ure no want sum fun .me and u we hotel x”

      You have ro say it in a Scottish accent to get the full effect but thE translation is “come on babe! I can’t believe you don’t want some fun . Me and you in a little hotel.xl

    • MissM says:

      Seriously Dawn, that is pretty much the blurb written by every man on the online sites where I live. The only other sort are the “Hi sexy how r u?” ones. That is it. None are any more advanced than that. Truly. I wish I was kidding.

      So if anyone is wondering why I have little hope in online dating sites, this is why. How anyone meets anyone from that lot is beyond me.

      • Fi says:

        Well I’ve been chatting to one who seems quite clever and amusing. Of course he may have his own madness ( well hidden at the moment) but he seems ok so far. My faith in internet dating is still intact so far.

      • MissM says:

        Lucky you Fi. I’d even overlook madness, as long as it didn’t involve an ax, if he was clever and amusing. Still waiting to find one who is not either a sleaze, incapable of basic words, or both.

        I’m somewhat pleased to know I am not the only one who has had read those incredibly illiterate profiles and just shaken my head in despair. I was beginning to think it was unique to where I live. Although maybe the total absence of anything else is a feature of my location. *sigh*

      • Lydia says:

        There are literally thousands and thousands of love single sane men out there on internet sites. I spoke to one this morning. There really are an awful lot and they can’t just all come in my direction because of me. I am no better nor worse than any other 40s or 50s woman on here.

        Just keep trying.

  • Erin says:

    These are the funniest replies ever! Well done! I predict one of the men will come with his boyfriend. that’s as far as I can go. Dear P, I hope you have a smashing time and at the very least get a few laughs : )

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