Slit My Wrists

December 14, 2011 § 55 Comments

Not one fucking twinkle even.  What’s that about, Plankton of Plankton?

Danger at this rate I will finally run out of things to say and have to shut the fuck up at last.  Possibly a great relief to many.

No breath left.

SMW.  If only metaphorically-speaking.  I couldn’t really, because of all my goddamn blessings, obviously, that I live to count each day.


§ 55 Responses to Slit My Wrists

  • AnonW says:

    I know the feeling. Christmas doesn’t help either.

    My Christmas shopping consists of buying presents for my son and his partner and my secretary with a couple of bottles of wine for where I’m having Christmas lunch.

    Trees are for families and I don’t have one.

  • Sarah says:

    One word: internet.

    • AnonW says:

      I just hope it snows heavily and is sunny. Then I’ll just walk the streets of London documenting it all for my blog.

      Life is what you make of a handful of bad cards.

  • Lydia says:

    I suspect we should pay to send you on a feminist re-education course. Remember the old slogan ” a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”.

    Now I’m a man lover, have no female friends and love men (and sex for that matter and onl with men ) so I’m not someone like to spout that old saying but may be make it your mantra. Could cheer you up.

    This is really all about brain chemicals and mind set. There are things smaller than a plankton and even the lowest form of plant life plays its part. Look at all the billions we are ploughing into the God Particle experiment. I bet you’d fine a caring loving committed man for life if you became a Cern enthusiast. I get lots of interest from clever men with beards who have the personal skils of a newt. I suspect they make very good partners. They are certainly out there in droves. Usually the wife left because Mr Science goes through the motions of his commitments very reliably but may be isn’t very romantic.

    Cleave a scientist unto thy bosom today and may be all will be well.

    This broadcast is made by the Society for the Promotion of the Romantic interests of bearded science /IT Geeks.

    (I am not on commission).

    Anyway back to my own grindstone – busy busy times. Everyone everywhere seems to want a bit of me at the moment. I need to split myself up into many many particles… Perhaps I should place myself in the middle of the Grat Hadron Collider. Now that would be a good way to go unless of course God exists and suicide is a mortal sin.

    Perhaps that’s another thought – the selfishness of wanting self satisfaction, the moral wrong in moaning. We come back to the major religions and indeed the stoics – putting up with things, tolerance and indeed looking at what you can do to help others.

    • AnonW says:

      As a bearded engineer/scientist, who made his money in IT, I enjoyed your reply, especially after on Monday I spent three hours in a dentist chair in the Royal London, whilst three dentists removed a molar. At least one of the dentists had beautiful female eyes. Is that sexist?

    • Leftatforty says:

      Wow Lydia, you are in form today!

    • T Lover says:


      You having been having an early Christmas snifter? A bit confused?

      The “Cod Particle experiment”? Bearded men with the personal skills of a newt?

      You mean fish fingers not particle physicists?

    • Lydia says:

      I turned 50. May be that inspired me. Most people are happier in their 50s than 30s by the way. It all just gets better and better.

      I do exhort plankton to consider science types. They tend not to let you down. They do what they say. They can be quite clever which is a massive plus. They are steady and stable. They are less likely to be alcoholics than others. They can learn how to buy flowers and say the right things. You can shave their facial hair and buy them good suits. They fulfil their obligations to their families. they probably make good step parents and could help teenagers with science home work and are nice enough to take all that on.

      Despite all that I tend not to fancy them unless they look quite good or have a lot of confidence or have made a pot of money out of their ideas… my choice though and no doubt my loss.

      As for AnonW of course you can lust over your dentist. If people didn’t lust over each other none of us would be on the planet. In fact if the planktons woudl concentrate more on sex and less on the rest i suspect they would increase their number of suitors exponentially and still find one who would commit to them.

      (Sorry about the earlier typos)

      • AnonW says:

        The dentist was a bit young for me. But I suppose after what I’ve been through it might be a change. On the other hand, women under a certain age, have never experienced the 60s first hand. I did and in Liverpool, where groups were groups and the Beatles were John, Paul, George and Ringo. I must sound very old to some here. But remember, I’m a fully certified London mongrel and they have toughness in spades. The only bits missing are a couple of teeth and a small part of my of vasa deferentia.

      • Joules says:


        Do think you are correct about the science types. I am one and would consider that I am faithful to a fault. Most of my colleagues are as well, especially after they get over the “young turk” stage. My ex was IT – not sure about this lot – think he had a bit of difficulty “reading” people and so decided that he was going to replace me – which he failed to do for some time. But one bad apple does not necessarily mean the whole lot are spoiled.

        Happy belated birthday by the way.

      • Elle says:

        Happy belated birthday Lydia. You are right about the science types. There’s an approximate 50:50 gender balance of scientists in Ireland so most are paired off by their late 20s, mid 30s at the latest. The ones who remain in academia invariably pair off with each other while the spare men (mechanical engineers etc) tend to emigrate leaving the female scientists (microbiologists & other laboratory scientists) behind to metamorphose into plankton.

  • Barry says:

    Thank you for sharing your moment of madness P.

    Don’t you just Hate it when you lose your reason to Bitch ? I do .

  • Elle says:

    Don’t do it. If it’s any comfort, we all feel like doing this at times. I think that men feel like this when they’re younger, and women when we’re older, particularly if we’re single.

    You have great friends and you seem to have a good social life. A man certainly isn’t the only thing worth living for. There are many, many other good things.

  • Fi says:

    I am with Jo on the internet dating thing. Having not done it before I too was reluctant but I am now going to praise it and explain why I think it is the way forward. The pof site has a quarter of a million users on it. A number of them must live within travelling distance of every one of us, and assuming they are single, it provides access to a greater number of single people than any of us encounter anywhere else. It stands to reason therefore that there is a higher likelihood of us meeting the right person there than in a pub/dinner party/cinema or any of the other places we go. Yes there are odd people, those with mental health problems, perverts, idiots, losers etc but that’s the same as in real life. The greater number of people we have access to via the site maybe gives the impression that they’re all odd, but I don’t think so. There are also normal folk there, you just have to look for them. Out of the several hundred that have contacted me, there have been 4 that I’ve liked enough to chat to. But that’s still 4 folk I wouldn’t have met otherwise. I don’t want to take it any further with any of those 4 having chatted to them for a while, but maybe I’ll come across someone I do want to. The impression I get is that people somehow expect mr right (however narrowly he is defined) to be sitting on the website, waiting for them and if they fail to meet him, blame the concept of internet dating. No. Its just a tool that rounds up single people and presents their profiles to you, and presents yours to them. What happens after that is down to you and them. You might have to wait a while foR mr right, or he may not appear at all, or even exist, but saying internet dating doesn’t work because you haven’t met someone in the time you’ve been using it is like saying there’s no point learning to drive because you didn’t get a car parking space last tuesday. And that’s only one site.

    • Jo says:

      Oh Fi Fi Fi. Fantastically well said. There are no guarantees for anything. But if we plankton bemoan the lack of available single men, or despair at how few (indeed none), one meets through friends, dinner parties, groups, et al…..then it stands to reason that a dating site – especially Guardian Soulmates – is at least worth a try and not just dismissed out of hand. Literally hundreds of men out there. Yes, it may not happen and one may encounter any number of crappage on the way, but thousands of requests to friends, an encounter now and then and all will never place at your disposal so many people all looking for the same thing. Who knows? Hang in I say. Keep a clear and realistic head. The chances are greater than any number of hopeful ‘chance encounters’. I know too many people for whom it has worked.
      I know of none who have met someone at a dinner party, class, group, party, club, pub nor any of the other slimmer chance routes.

  • Aidan says:

    I would just like to go on record as saying that I think Plankton will find her man sooner than they find the Higgs Boson Particle and he will not be a bearded scientist looking for the Higgs Boson Particle (whatever that is)

  • MissBates says:

    I have been “twinkle-less” for so long that I know of no other existence. It’s too late for me — but save yourself! Try the effing internet, already! (Not just this minute, but set yourself the task for immediately after the New Year.) I readily acknowledge that it might be a huge waste of time/effort, but you can’t throw in the towel without at least giving it a shot, if only for a few months. If you don’t, and give up anyway, you’ll always wonder.

    And then, of course, there’s my hidden motivation of wanting to read what I expect will be your inimitable descriptions of the whole god-awful process.

    • The Plankton says:

      Oh, I will, I will be writing about them for sure, if and when, perhaps in the New Year? If I have gained the strength by then. Px

      • Jo says:

        You don’t need strength P. Get on with it. In the New Year. Stop building it up as some monstrous cave containing all manner of hidden horrors. For which you have to gird your loins ,build faith courage and strength..
        You’re only having a peek at a dating site. (Guardian Soulmates?).
        You’re not preparing to go to Afghanistan.
        I say this warmly and with a great deal of affection.

      • The Plankton says:

        Point very much taken, Jo. And thanks. Px

  • MissM says:

    Write it off as a bad day and just wait, you may feel better tomorrow.

    A few days ago, when I was having one of my bad days, I came across this quote by Joe Abercrombie: “Truly, life is the misery we endure between disappointments.” I know it is not fashionable these days when we are supposed to be positive all the bloody time, but I find a quote like this so much more satisfying than the usual “aint life grand” types. Maybe it is because if I hear life isn’t all that grand for other people, I don’t feel quite so bad when mine isn’t all sunshine and roses either. It is the “life is all wonderful” people who cause me the most annoyance since that implies that my life, which is not wonderful, is somehow deviant, or a failure, for just not being fantastic, as opposed to it simply being an average, normal life.

    I’d prefer that you end this blog as a result of finding a twinkle that becomes a star in your life, not because you run out of things to say. If all else fails make a false profile on a dating site, no picture or details necessary, just so you can log on and surreptitiously take a look at what is there. There may or may not be a twinkle, but I am sure there will be blog material.

    Anyway, lots of hugs to you Dear P. May you find a rant in you again soon and in the meantime be very kind to yourself.

  • Jamie says:

    Looking back 6 months this has been like a daily therapy session hasn’t it? You rage eloquently against the dying of the light ( at least by comparison with your life as a 25 year old ) each morning and we hold out a metaphorical box of Kleenex, and empathise, whilst also gently reminding you that happiness cannot be achieved merely by getting a partner. It just isn’t a Holy Grail and if you hold out for it to be such, you will be disappointed. The sixty-something respondents are gradually telling you that they have achieved a measure of serenity by not placing that search at the centre of their lives. In fact they know that to some extent it would be exchanging one set of problems for another – gripey step children, new partner still in love with his ex etc etc. I reckon by the time you finish this blog you will have come to terms with that, and that will be the time to stop – but not before please!

    So don’t worry if your material is running short – just encourage us to fill the comments page and we will be happy!

    • The Plankton says:

      Dear Jamie, Thank you for this. Very encouraging and very reassuring and much appreciated. Px

    • Brigitte says:


      I can’t speak for P., but, I for one, hope to be over this ‘boy craziness’ and find serenity in my sixties (hopefully before). Right now, I have very few years left of a good face and body that will soon be showing signs of sagging, wrinkling, graying, etc. At 48, I’m very much like the thirty-something whose biological clock is ticking. I so very much want to be loved/made love to again, and will abandon the notion of ‘love-ever-after’ just for a few years with an attractive, steady, affectionate, sexually functioning male. I hope to ‘get my fill’ during this time so that I can relax in the afterglow in my sixties. By then I hope to be retired and travelling with a best friend. If I ‘hook up’ in my sixties, it will be icing on the cake!

      • Elle says:

        Brigitte, I am 39 (soon to be 40) and have already given up on the notion of a few years in an exclusive relationship with an attractive, intelligent, sexually functioning male. Society is changing and we plankton have to change with it and consider alternative relationship models as long as they are honest and respectful of all concerned.

  • EmGee says:

    Ms P, one of your shortest posts has generated some of the most thoughtful replies.

    I can’t imagine that you’d not be able to have at least one simple thought on planktonhood to share every day – after all, isn’t lack of twinkles a Plankton’s lot?

  • paolo says:

    I’ve been following this blog from the beginning, wondering almost the entire time: Why are there not whole armies of men marching to this woman’s doorstep, flowers in hand, madly in love? Plankton seems to possess most of the qualities that I (and I suppose many other middle-aged men) are looking for in a woman: Intelligence, wit, sensitivity, loyalty, a sense of fun, fidelity, and no fear of commitment. On top of all of these wonderful attributes, she’s a magnificent writer. Assuming she is, as she claims, reasonably attractive and fit, I have a hard time imagining any sensitive, intelligent, available male of her approximate age not falling in love with her.

    So, Plankton, do not – figuratively or otherwise – slit your wrists. Doing so would deny some worthy guy down the road the pleasure of meeting just the type of woman he has been looking for.

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you, Paolo. It is especially lovely to hear from you when you say such nice things. I think I am right in saying this is your first comment? Well, thank you very much indeed. px

  • Tried to tell you last weekend, I believe that I have already offered to you all of the potentially useful thoughts that my brain could computate at this point about how you might be able to succesfully find a new male partner in 2011…

    I can still remind you again how I de- stress when I am unable to find any women who have any interest at all in me….

    Inhale….. lengthy pause, and then exhale…. and to think this stuff is still legal in The Netherlands…

    Hey- It got me through the 1990’s…. …. just saying….

  • ToneDeafSinger says:

    Perhaps you could write every other day…

  • june says:

    Well im not quite sure, as our our friend Jamie says that i am one of the 60 year olds who have found serenity accepting my lot. I am definitely not a serene person, but i have decided as i said to stop beating myself up about not having a man, . There is no point, i was making myself far too miserable and i decided it had to stop. In spite of what Fi says i have no faith at all in dating websites, especially for someone of my age, yes if i was prepared to compromise greatly in looks, weight, appearance, distance, age etc i might just strike lucky, but im not so i have to accept things the way they are. Give it a go plankton if you wish by all means, just dont expect too much.

    I met an old work colleague today for lunch and we were discussing various people we knew who were coupled up. Some of things she told me, about them, made me realise being single is not the worse thing in the world, what some women live with im sorry i just couldnt. She is very lucky she has an easy going, caring and nice partner but she said to me june id rather be like you than them. And i thought yes so would i. I am sure i will get down about being alone and i will get upset again, but plankton we have got high standards, we would not give most of these men other women have houseroom, certainly not what i was hearing about them i wouldnt. We have friends.lots dont, we are lucky in that respect. Many women will accept anything to avoid being alone, i know many, we wont thats the difference in us and them and i think we have to live with that, i am thinking its the only way forward. Thank you for that as i think its your blog and all the people on here who have convinced me of that . At least we have here to rant on. Like many others i look forward to your comments if you do try interenet dating. Should be fun. .

  • Margaux says:

    P – it’s effing Xmas. Guaranteed to make us single male and female planktons feel inadequate…IF we let it.

    It’s all a con though. Lets not forget this is the season of rising divorce rates, family arguments and disappointment. Throw in a good mix of stress and the pressure of rampant commercialism and it really isn’t what Hollywood cracks it up to be.

    Think of it as a period of taking stock.There’s a new year just around the corner. Anything is possible. But – one thing I do know …(yes, another of my mantras !)

    “If you do what you’ve always done – you’ll always get what you’ve always got”

    So – time to try something new, maybe? ( the net???)

    Big hug today x

    • The Plankton says:

      Thanks, Margaux. You’re probably right that it’s time to try the net. I know, I know. But I am going to put it off till sometime after Christmas. I cannot face it yet. Px

    • AnonW says:

      My late wife, was a family barrister. She used to really enjoy christmas, as she knew that when she got back to work, there would be lots of work.

      In some years, the chambers were so busy over the festive season, they had an on-call barrister for urgent cases. She often volunteered, in case something really expensive came along.

      Don’t knock Internet dating. I found my wife because of computerised dating at University and we were together for over 40 years. It wasn’t actually computerised matching though, as I was a friend of the organiser and got first pick.

  • rich2305 says:

    Don’t do it Plankton. How about you encourage all your male followers to download pictures of themselves (after your blog the other day we all know that women just aren’t your thing lol). Maybe the man you’re waiting for is already there. Can’t believe there won’t be somebody along very soon but make sure you stay fussy!! You’re worth it. x

  • Candy says:

    Dear Ms P

    I have been lurking here a few months and reading your blog on a daily basis but I have never left a comment (like, I suspect the majority of your readers ), but on this occasion I feel I must reiterate the pleas of others and beg you not to stop!

    You’ve made me laugh and you’ve made me cry and I grown to know your followers and empathise and agree with many of them …Miss Bates, June to name but a couple. Lydia either makes me laugh or grit my teeth (sorry Lydia, please continue commenting). The comments from AnonW and Paolo tonight brought tears to my eyes

    You at least are in a better position than me in that I still love my ex husband and am sooo not interested in others, had my share of Smidgeons, Poppy Seeds and Lost Causes. This 46 year old Plankton has just resigned herself to a ‘Treeless Christmas’ and no ‘Happy New Years’, but I don’t want to lose my daily fix of your Blog!


    • The Plankton says:

      Dear Candy, I am so glad you have commented and thank you. I will do my very best not to give up the blog although I shall have to warn everyone that my posting hours may become a bit more erratic with the Christmas holidays. I am definitely going to try to post every day still, though sometimes it may not be till the evening. Life is a bit haphazard at this time of year so my posting times might reflect that a little and not be till the evening, for example. I am so glad you are enjoying it so much and that you have been moved to comment, to laugh, and to tears. Px

  • Joules says:

    Dear Ms P. You HAVE to keep going with this blog. It has become one thing that I look forward to it every day – even if right now I am in the midst of my family and very busy. I am sure there are loads of plankton out there who do the same, not just those of us who comment. You give us an eloquent voice that us plankton feel we have lost.

    By all means hold your nose and go for the internet – will be interested to know which one you go on and what it is like.

    I do think that there is something in the coming to terms with being alone. Think I am going that direction, not the internet. I am always being told by friends that they wish they had the ability (usually monetary but sometimes other reasons) to walk out on their husbands and just be alone with their kids. (Though for me it was the other way around – he walked out on me). My sister (married but not smugly so) would rather be on her own – so she says but then does nothing about it. It is hard but I do not feel I am entirely on my own and with the community of this blog I know I am not.

    • The Plankton says:

      Dear Joules, I am so glad that this blog is giving you some comfort, and I know precisely how you feel re moving towards an accommodation with the idea of being alone. I am certainly getting to that point myself, although the last fight against it is still holding out, just. I will keep posting every day, although over the next couple of weeks or so the timings might be a bit more erratic than usual ie. sometimes I might not get to post until the evening. But I will do my best not to let down my loyal followers such as yourself, I promise! Very best wishes, Px

      • Liz says:

        I used to resent it when people told me to enjoy my life as it was, without a man, especially because society never tells men to just be happy being alone–ironic, since women are judged so much more harshly for being single.

        Something changed after I passed forty though. I felt like “enough.” Maybe it was biological, maybe it was sheer exhaustion. I had been dating furiously for a decade by that point, and I was tired from the endless searching. I decided to focus on the positive aspects of being alone and to go out and solely pursue my own interests as opposed to those in which I thought I might meet someone. And also to quit hoping I’d meet someone when I was out doing my own thing– to just concentrate on enjoying dancing, or seeing a comedy show, or experiencing the outdoors, with no expectation that there’d be an attractive man in attendance.

        I can’t say I’ve accomplished this 100%, but I’ve done fairly well at it, and I’ve been so much happier. I’ve also accomplished a lot more– for one, I am trying my hand at producing a theatrical event in my spare time.

        I went to a dance last night with no expectations other than hoping I’d get asked to dance by skilled dancers who were not physically or socially offensive in some way. And for the most part, I did, and I had a great time and felt like I got a good workout. My friends who went hoping they’d meet some men they were attracted to spent the whole evening disappointed. I just can’t spend my life like that anymore…

    • Twinkletoes says:

      Ms P, another plea for the blog to continue, as and when you can, because I also look forward to reading it every day. And I can’t wait to hear your experiences of internet dating in the New Year. x

      • The Plankton says:

        Dear Twinkletoes, Thank you, that’s very sweet of you, and I promise to continue as much as possible, and may well try the internet in the New Year in which case I’ll definitely keep you all posted! xx

  • Lydia says:

    The absence of a 15 December post following a 14th one about slitting wrists makes those of us who are fairly reponsible a little anxious.

    I am from a family of psychiatrists and slitting wrists is probably not a phrase to use on a post as it’s quite a serious issue for some.

    Anyway hope all is well.

    Remember your new mantra from Lydia – “a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”.

  • june says:

    Do i get a feeling here plankton that your blog has been like a sort of therapy for lots of us planktons and its not just helping me to come to terms with it but others too. We can bore our friends with our thoughts and even if they love us they may get rather fed up with it all. On here we can rant and the fact that on here there are others in same boat and like us, they are socialible attractive and normal people, not a load of “saddos”. It does help to see our situation more clearly. So plankton none of us need expensive therapy, we have your blog. Thank you for that.

    As Liz says sometimes you just get tired of it all, and you feel you are wasting your life worrying about it so. I know we will all still have those difficult moments, i am sure i will, but i have decided to try my hardest not to ruin the rest of my life over it. I am lucky i have my health, ive aged quite well, i have lots of good friends who care, im happy where i live, i cant imagine still living in the small town i was born in. I am going to try and concentrate on those positives. If i want a rant about it,ill do it on here.

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