December 22, 2011 § 36 Comments

Headache still flogging me like a dead horse but I am up and about, if rather at half-mast.  Another party tonight which I am not going to miss for anything because it promises to be a good one, even if there aren’t going to be any available men there.  Well, truth is, I’ve no idea if there are or not, but I can take a wild guess.

I’ve been thinking I’d like to give a big party and the idea would be that instead of asking the guests to bring a bottle, as is my usual wont, I would ask them to bring a man, be he divorced, a bachelor or a widower.  I have been thinking how this would tick all my boxes because they would all be friends of friends and it would make for an interesting mix and I could never again be accused of not being proactive.

But of course the operative word is “all” because there would be no “all” about it.  The party would consist of me… and… no one else, because no one would turn up.  My friends wouldn’t turn up because none of them has a spare man to rub between them  – save serious SFARs – even though they would dearly love to see me sorted, and no spare man would turn up because there aren’t any.  OK, there may be somewhere, but can you imagine any of them actually wanting to come to a stranger’s Bring-A-Man party?  I don’t think so.

I think this headache is sending me slightly round the bend.

Back to the pathetic paracetamol.  Back to the dreary drawing-board.


§ 36 Responses to Bring-A-Man

  • Patricia says:

    Chin up P! Totally empathise, but thank God for the British Up Chin – they just don’t get it here Down Under. How strange our language is…I am Down Under now,so I assume you & my nearest and dearest (grown-up kids and ailing parents) are all Up Over. But I digress….best..P x

  • Lydia says:

    (a) Give up alcohol. You don’t need to drink to get men and it’s not very good for most people. It’s also a known depressant. I don’t drink

    (b) if you like all these parties (I find it very hard to understand people who do when you might instead spend a quiet evening reading a book but it takes all sorts etc.) enjoy them and throw them too.

    (c) It would not be too hard to fix what you want to fix. If I’ve met 100 mostly suitable men but there just wan’t chemistry I could if I had bothered to keep all their details, dredge all those up and gosh plenty were lovely but weren’t quite right for me (eg beard, or not quite clever enough or just no chemistry or (very rare but sometimes happens) didn’t want me).

    If finding a husband by your friends, a friend of a friend is failing then any plan which involves more of the same – those friends bringing a friend is going to be doomed to fail. So you do something different. A school friend of mine went to France to buy a second home and ended up getting together with the French estate agent – she’d taken herself out of her usual box and met someone she might never have considered otherwise. I suppose if I could be bothered as we’re about to go abroad to ski I could hunt there and there probably will be suitable men around. I know people who met on skiing holidays. It can be a sort of filter because we’re only there if we earn enough to ski, we probably are fairly similar people and there with families and you do get a fairly big number of divorced fathers taking their children skiing as it can be a bit of a man thing to do – action, physical activity etc. Also you get people who are qutie fit. Most british people are fat and unfit, more are over weight than not these days and if they can at least ski may be they aren’t on their way out just yet.

    Despite all that I am going mostly to ski, rest, talk to the children and read although I am sure i will keep up a few dalliances with men whilst I’m there on-line.

    • Elle says:

      Lydia, are you real? Skiing isn’t just for the upper middle classes you know. I know people in run of the mill jobs who make sacrifices all year round (ie little or no drinking) so they can ski. If you go in a big group it can work out to be quite reasonable. We go to Austria.

      You’re right about the men. Lots of tall fit men swarming about the place, it’s heaven!

  • ToneDeafSinger says:

    I love the idea of a bring-a-man party but… how do you capture a man and drag him kicking and screaming? Only joking. But I am currently on 3 dating websites and having no response whatsoever. A few days ago I had an exchange of an e-mail a day for 5 days with someone, the longest ever, then he disappeared. I contacted someone else and after several days he replied that although he is new to the website, he is corresponding with so many other member (“as I must be”) that he feels he cannot take on any more… So it must be true that men get snapped up… I am corresponding with absolutely no-one out of three websites!

  • Barry says:

    This time I agree ..with Lydias’ “Get out the Box” So internet it is …”Everyone to MINE” on Facebook, and rip it up P…like you used to?

    I would love to see your face if every man who arrived WAS suitable P …

    New Years’ Eve is a cracking night for “Pulling” tho’ just chase an unhappy MM for the night ?

  • rosie says:

    Damn, I knew I was doing something wrong. I’m taking myself off to France to buy that second house as we speak. As for ‘earning enough to ski’, I’ve been skiing so I presume paupers are allowed to go as well, Lydia, as long as they’re not fat, unfit chavs? If nothing else, you’ll have fun on the slopes rejecting all those divorced fathers…especially the bearded ones, god help them.

  • rosie says:

    Actually, I don’t know why I’m getting my knickers in a twist as I’m convinced ‘Lydia’ is a wind up. Come on Lydia, come clean!

    • Elle says:

      I think that “Lydia” is a bored bearded ageing academic who earns a good salary but is bitter because he was pipped at the post for promotion by a dynamic young turk scientist who can get millions in research funding by strutting his stuff to female CEOs. Meanwhile “Lydia” gathers dust, nitpicks and gives his students hell and hasn’t got laid for five years. In between that he pokes fun at plankton.

    • Jo says:

      I’m with you on this rosie.
      Lydia. I am at a complete loss as to why you are on here…
      100 men…Plus, as you ‘rest, ski, read and talk to the children, whilst keeping up a few dalliances with men, whilst you’re there online’, I’m surprised why you don’t give yourself a little breather from all these men you have at your disposal. Must fair wear you out I feel.
      Yes, I’ll inform the kid that I am about to uproot her and take her out of school whilst we hunt for the second home in France in the hope of copping off with someone there…Also that we’re going ski-ing (Like rosie I am a ski-ing pauper too. Will be even more so when I’ve bought that second – Gallic – home. ‘Alhough not really ‘earning enough to ski’ as you term your select group, will probably preclude me from success anyway.).
      Hey, while you’re at it, why not ‘be bothered’ to hunt there and hook up with the ‘suitable men around’ that you feel so confident about. More to add to your past documented extensive list here.
      Words fail me……………..
      Though I’m sure these comments will give you immense pleasure. I just have a feeling about that.
      I expect to be stoned for these views. But sod it.

  • MissBates says:

    Oh, FFS, this is one of those ridiculous ideas you read about in magazines — “have a party and have each of your friends bring an eligible man!” Are they kidding? If each of my myriad friends knew or had even HEARD of an eligible man, I wouldn’t BE in this situation.

    As for Lydia, I think I am not alone in hoping that an avalanche during her veryveryvery expensive ski vacation cuts off the internet connection at the veryveryvery exclusive schloss where she’ll be staying with her veryveryvery smart children and meeting veryveryvery rich men (all of whom will fancy her because she’s veryveryvery thin and gorgeous and, did I mention it, veryveryvery rich and successful — oh, and don’t forget — veryveryvery well-read from all those quiet nights at home when she’s not working late at her veryveryvery high-powered job or tending to her veryveryvery gifted children — but wait, no — she has veryveryvery well-paid staff to do that so she can spend her time meeting veryveryvery eligible men online), SO THAT WE DON’T HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

    *cough* I’m just saying.

    • june says:

      Miss Bates, you are so funny, you and plankton could do a double both have me laughing out loud. Thank goodness my upstairs neighbour is deaf,he would think id taken leave of my senses.

      Yes Lydia does get to you doesent she, with her “I dont drink” and “i would rather be curled up on sofa” statements. And lets not get started on the second home in france, most of us planktons have enough trouble paying for one home! But i believe in free speech and everyone is allowed to express their opinion.

      I agree if i asked anyone to bring a spare man there would be no takers, as no-one knows any and if they did would say the usual, you wouldnt fancy him.

      I had my fellow plankton neighbour in for a christmas drink last night as shes off to a friend in London for christmas and she was telling me this friend, older than her and i,but still attractive was asked take part in an M&S wine tasting session with a man, in his 50s, seems he was quite taken with her and asked her out, she however thinks hes too young, personally id have given it a go, but she did go out with him more than once, but is wary as he seems to want to get too involved too quickly . But planktons it does give us hope, does it not. Will be interested to see how things went when my neighbour returns. We must all look out for wine tasting sessions in M&S then . Never seen one in my local store, i have to say .and its a very large one,

    • MissM says:

      Comedy genius Mis Bates, and proof that irritants do produce pearls.

      Among the things I count as blessings, I add being able to participate in a blog that has such talent, not only from Plankton the Original, but also those who post in the comments section. It has taken me from feeling shame at being a plankton, so obviously a reject, to a sense of pride that I am in the company of such wonderful, clever, insightful, funny people who clearly cannot be described as rejects.

      June, if that friend is rejecting a man in his fifties for being too young for her, she might need to be checked for a pulse also. Admittedly you didn’t mention how much younger he is. But send me a man anything up to ten years younger than me and I’d be thrilled to bits. Anything more than ten years and I’d be cautious, but if he initiates the interest, I’d certainly give it a go.

      • june says:

        Me too Miss M, when my neighbour returns from London after holidays i will check and see how going. He was 52, well like you i would have no problem with that, not like hes bloody 20 is it, he comes under the “baby boomer” range. My neighbour says the friend is still seeing him now and again. Are men in the big city happier to accept older women do you think. I had a guy in his late 40s from London on POF say he had a female friend over 60 who had no problem getting younger men, and if he lived nearer he would certainly go out with me. In my provincial city this certainly not the case.

        The friend im going to christmas day was asking on facebook yesterday could anyone tell her where to get mistletoe. I asked if i should be hopeful at this, and did she have anyone for me to kiss under it. She said her daughter wanted it. Ah well,another hope dashed.

      • MissM says:

        June, I have no idea if men in a big city are more accepting of older women, I can only speak from my own rather remote ‘geographically challenged’ position where I am surrounded by plankton and there is not an eligible male in sight. The only woman I know who managed to find herself a man had to import him from another state. (I don’t know what bait she used to lure him, but I was very impressed that she managed it.) Unfortunately for her he went back when he couldn’t find work here, and she feels she can’t leave her ageing parents to be with him there. That is the closest thing to a success story I have from here. It’s a lovely place to live if you are coupled, which I was when I moved here, but should you end up as a single woman it is dire indeed.

    • Jo says:

      MissBates. Re: Lydia. Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!
      God you made me laugh so much. Brilliant. Fabulous and true.
      Thank you.
      Bravo MissBates.

      • Fi says:

        I do think Lydia is a bloke although I’m prepared to accept she’s a female that has never had female friends. Overlooking the stories she tells which frankly aren’t credible and seem designed to just irritate the other women here, her contributions do not read as if they’re written by a woman. Instead of doing any kind of empathising, which is what women tend to do, she offers solutions. Instead of showing modesty about her achievements (if real), she brags and boasts. And it is the same in every post that she has ever written. Even her use of the phrase ‘lucky me’ is not a recognition of the part that luck has played in her life (which again most women think as they tend to downplay their achievements) but a boasting about how clever she is and that she deserves her achievements. So apart from whether her stories are true or not, she just doesn’t talk like a woman does. She doesn’t reveal anything about herself (apart from her material circumstances), nor does she seem to care to bond with the other writers here (who agree sometimes with each other). She just doesn’t communicate like a woman. But she does come across as a man pretending to be a woman who is trying to wind us up. In my opinion

  • Joe says:


    I don’t ski, I dislike snow, am somewhat bearded and plainly overweight. However, I am single, no kids or ex-wives, debt-free and a good cook.

    I must have landed upon the wrong website by mistake.

    • TwinkleToes says:

      Joe, I’ll snap you up 🙂

      I’ve been nearly crying with laughter at MissBates post. Hilarious! I also think Lydia is a figment of someone’s imagination.

      Wasn’t there an episode of Sex and the City where they had a bring a man party? I can’t remember it in any detail, but I don’t think it was a success.

      P, sending you a hug xx

  • Candy says:

    I think I luv you Miss Bates…your comment re Lydia had me in stitches laughing

  • Elle says:

    “Spare man.” Isn’t that a contradiction in terms? In Ireland 3 men are emigrating to every 2 women emigrating. That applies from age 18 to 60. We had a man shortage before emigration started, even when the hunky Polish builders were here.

    So you can imagine how dire it is here. Any woman who knows a spare man is keeping him for herself! Actually, lots of Irish men have emigrated to the UK, Canada & Australia, so if you’re from there get yourself a hot Paddy while the going’s good. They get snapped up fast!

  • ToneDeafSinger says:

    Joe, we must be a good match then… I match you in three out of four attributes you list above!

  • Jo says:

    Yes. June is right. Everyone is entitled to free speech. Absolutely. Very important.
    But what baffles me about Lydia is how freely her speech (es) are about all the many men she has to cope with who run after her. But who she – rather exhaustingly – has to bat away. (Except for, as she says the ‘very rare’ ones who ‘don’t want her’.).
    Free speech. Yes.
    But not sure what this contributes to this blog about Plankton. Except perhaps to show us the error of our ways. After all, next to her, the rest of plankton must be doing something wrong. She has to expend so much energy keeping them away and can attract even more if she chooses to… At any time.
    Maybe it’s about making us rejoice at her abundance and to look on longingly. So, yeah. Free speech…Ok. Whatever the (grating) content.
    Oops. Sorry. Sort of.

    • MissM says:

      I am sure it is not really a surprise to anyone that Lydia doesn’t have any female friends. (The fact that she admits it is a little odd though, I’d have thought that might blight the otherwise perfect image.)

      All Lydia’s posts are the same and consist of:

      “I am better than the average plankton in every way. Let me tell you about all the ways I am better than you. You know it must be true because I will tell you about all these men who are just waiting at my feet for me to throw crumbs of attention to them, but I wont because they are not worthy of my greatness. But all you general plankton need to do to be almost as great as me is go and be filthy rich and important in the business world. Simple. You see how great I am, I’m so great I’ve even given you the answer to all your problems. Silly general plankton not being filthy rich and important in the business world.”

      Observing that all her posts consist of that, they become quite hilarious. The implied insults are water off a duck’s back to me since I’m happier with being poor and a nobody and single, than being pompous and insufferable and single.

      • Fi says:

        She doesn’t have any female friends – if indeed she is a woman – is because actually she despises us. That comes across I think.

  • Patrick says:

    Dear ‘Plankton’, you refer to certain men as SFAR – is it possible that some women are also SFAR? Patrick

  • paolo says:

    I love reading this blog (thank you again for your labors, Ms. Plankton), and I love reading the reader comments. So, Elle, MissM, Miss Bates, Lydia (even you, Mr. Lydia), and the rest of you – please continue posting!

  • june says:

    Like all of you i suspect Lydia is a man, No women ive ever known talks this way.

    However if she is a woman, i seriously worry about any women who has no female friends. All of us planktons say how our female friends keep us going and how our planktoness would be unbearable without them. Not having any would turn me to into a quivering wreck. I just cant see how Lydia can get through her life without any. Yes you can live without a man, well we all are, but without female friends it would be impossible. I would be spending christmas day alone if it wasnt for one of mine, a happily married one, who has invited another female plankton friend to.

    • Fi says:

      I’m not “living without a man”. I’m living without having sex with one, but that’s not the same thing. Apart from my friend’s husbands, I do have male friends of my own I spend time with. Which is probably why I jump in when I think they’re getting bashed unfairly. Because I do like them and (I know this will set off a torrent of rage) I think women are often horrible to them.

  • Margaux says:

    Over the last year this blog has become my daily ‘Must Read before I do Anything Else’ absolute pleasure.

    MissM is right – your writing is a joy and I love reading all your fabulous commentators too. Such distinctive, clever, funny insightful voices – each and every one.
    And then there’s Lydia.
    ( Lol!!!- sorry, couldn’t resist…)

    As for MissBates – you are priceless! Another Bravo! from me…

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you, Margaux. Not sure I can keep it up, but will try, for the likes of loyal readers such as yourself, amongst others, loyal or not. Might be a bit haphazard over the next few days as it’s awfully difficult to post from my mum’s house, which is full to bursting with folk. (I have escaped back to my own house for 24 hours, for last minute shopping and parties, of course!). I have to use the lap top of another family member, who is not always willing, and it’s harder to keep my posts from prying eyes, so if some seem a bit hasty, I hope you’ll understand and forgive me. Px

  • Margaux says:

    Enjoy, enjoy, Plankton – your posts are always worth waiting for …whenever they may come …
    Have a fabulous Christmas – think of it as a time to recharge your emotional batteries …..2012 is just around the corner – may it be an Olympic year on the man front for you! x

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you, Margaux. I will let you into a secret. I have done something that could be considered nothing short of saintly (no need to go into what), and so am hoping against hope that God may look kindly on me in 2012 and deliver me of a nice fellow who will turn out to be a husband. There again, I am not sure where I am on the believing in God front? Px

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