Dead Blackberry

December 27, 2011 § 23 Comments

I keep wanting to hit my Blackberry, a bit in the way people do in films to someone who has fainted, to awaken them.  My Blackberry is as good as dead, though occasionally I detect that it pulses still, its reception bars going up and down a bit here and there, but it never beeps or sings or vibrates or farts or goes in for any of its more active signs of life.  Everyone has hunkered down with their family and beneath the sheer weight of brightly coloured boxes.  Or, if the papers are to be believed, they are all out shopping for hideous, fuck-off handbags that have been cut down from £576,321 to £19.99.  Whatever they are doing, they ain’t calling or emailing me.

There was something called something like WorldStores yesterday that assured me they were emailing me because I had bought something from them.  Looking at the type of shit sofas they were spamming me with, I found this highly doubtful, and became gloomy about the fact that it was to this which I have been reduced.  Spam and nothing else.  If in between the spam there was the odd, disappointingly nutty missive from a living, breathing SFAR that would be something.  But no such disappointment even, just a comatose Blackberry, and not a single plan from here to eternity.

As you can probably guess, the Matthew Crawley glow lasted about as long as one of those luminous necklaces you get at festivals.

Today I feel fat but empty, obese yet flat.

Not, it has to be said, the finest of combinations.

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§ 23 Responses to Dead Blackberry

  • The Real Lydia says:

    Me too. Loads of emails on pof still but all from old fat ugly men with combovers and cardigans. Or young men looking for sex. Or middle aged men looking for sex. It’s all so depressing really.

    • Chris says:

      Ummmm, sure you are not the female equivalent of those men you so casually dismiss ? Or do you have a fairly high opinion of yourself ? I only ask because I come across women whose attitude seems to indicate that when they look in the mirror they clearly do not see the same thing I do when I’m looking at them !! Sometimes I do wonder if some women have a rather inflated view of their somewhat limited charms.

      • Elle says:

        If their charms are so limited why do you talk to them in the first place Chris? Are you setting your sights low because you think you’re not worth any more?

        It’s funny, but I often find that men who are less favoured in terms of intellect, personality and looks (I put looks last for a reason) have the most over-inflated opinions of themselves and treat women with contempt. These are the men who letch over young girls at family gatherings and email women 30 years younger on dating sites.

      • Chris says:

        Well Elle, you see, you cannot find out what people are like until you actually have the ‘ pleasure ‘ of communicating with them. At least I do not use terms like ‘ fat ‘ and ‘ ugly ‘ like Lydia does !! But then you have to chuckle when some obese woman thinks she is entitled to a David Beckham lookalike, and will settle for nothing less !! Believe me, I’ve met ’em !!

      • Lydia says:

        Come on some women and men are fat and ugly, of course they are. SOme are impoverished and some are mentally ill. We all have things we avoid. I don’t have too strict criteria and therefore I have met a good few men and had some nice boyfriends.

        Of those listed above why discount the middle aged ones looking for sex – they probably want a relationship too. The younger ones I tend to reject on the basis they are less likely to want to setle down with someone my age with children.

      • Elle says:

        Lydia, middle-aged men looking for sex are lookin for sex, no more, no less. They DON’T want the bother of relationships or the bother of connecting or communicating with another human being.

        Why would they when sex is so freely available? If they can’t score the normal way and they have money they can always pay some unfortunate girl to service them.

  • Empress says:

    Somedays dear P the world just sucks, and the best you can do is keep holding on until it passes as it invariably does. This time of year never helps, look at it this way, the winter solstice has passed and we’re on the upswing back into the light, that has to count for something.

    Appologies for my absence I have unfortunately been dealing with my own imminent return to Planktonhood. A substantial hand grenade got detonated a few weeks ago and the ripples continue.

    I hope that the New Year brings happiness (in whatever form we seek) to all who linger here.

  • MissM says:

    “Fat but empty, obese yet flat”, perfectly said and you and me both, as they say, as well. I think it could have something to do with all the energy we called in to get through the actual festivities, and once those battles are over, the adrenalin drops back to normal and we have nothing left in reserve when we are forced to face our wounds (which we actually had before the whole shebang started, but managed to put out of our minds while we dealt with the immediate Chrissie crisis). At least that seems to be how I feel about it. Same old problems, less energy to deal with them. Not the finest of feelings indeed.

    I have a friend who has pj’s printed in a black and white cow skin pattern with “Grumpy Cow” written on the front. She decided to wear those all of Boxing Day. I can respect that. Sometimes it is just best to go with the flow and hope tomorrow is a better day. Hoping tomorrow is a better one for you too.

  • AnonW says:

    I sometimes think I miss out on a load of aggro, by still using a dumb Nokia 6310i. But then I’ve had it for nearly twenty years and it’s a dear and faithful friend.

  • LOTLWC says:

    Today I feel fat but empty, obese yet flat:

    BRILLIANT

  • Joules says:

    Hello Ms P. Good one, nice to see that your blackberry is behaving like my email. Have been hitting the old delete button at a rate of knots. Have not had time to hit the post christmas low, small children in this house with train sets all over. Too busy entertaining the hordes (only three of them but feels like more) of nieces and nephew. We had family photos taken today – of course most of them seemed to be shots of us all looking to see if the year old niece would smile or cry (mainly cry).

    Grandmas not feeling so well, one going in for knee surgery tomorrow.

    I go home on Thrusday – sure the silence of my house will be deafening. Last year went home and cried for weeks missing especially my little niece – just born last year. She is a joy!!

    Sometimes I think I park my heart on this side of the pond.

  • EmGee says:

    “Today I feel fat but empty, obese yet flat.”

    Loved being back with family, but I’m ready to get back home to friends and work.

  • Sarah says:

    What happened to the invitation to stay with your friends who had also invited LS? Is that still going ahead?

    I’ve just come back from Christmas with the family in the UK and my mother was glued to Downton too, I don’t watch it as a rule so was watching AbFab in the other room. I love AbFab so even though the actual programme was seriously flawed, I appreciated it in a gloriously uncritical way, especially Patsy who discovered for the first time what a wallet is.

    Had a brief phone chat with my ex-h after he’d spoken to the boys and my mother and he was suddenly struck by strong nostalgia for times past. Christmas is a difficult time for many people, even those in relationships, both old and new. You never know when your own personal tiger in the cupboard will burst its way out and make you awash with emotions you usually manage to keep at bay.

    • The Plankton says:

      Dear Sarah, Thanks for this. LS couldn’t make it to stay with BF for New Year and, as it happens, nor can I, the two facts not entirely unrelated but as it happens, I am having the children over New Year so couldn’t have gone without substantial difficulty after all. I shall be with Charlotte and her husband, at their house with a few mutual friends, very low key. It will be bliss. Px

  • anniebub says:

    Get an iphone! There are lots of things to do on it, even if you don’t actually get any messages. You can talk to it, and it talks back. It plays you music, you can watch films on it, and see your friends face to face. My children decided half way through Christmas day that I no longer needed my other half as I had become so hooked on this perfect portable companion. My blackberry is now RIP too. I thought I would never be able to let go, rather like an old partner, but I find my affections have transferred shamelessly to this new shiny version. Until the real thing turns up in your life, it is not a bad interim substitute…xxx

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you for the advice. I have been rather coveting the new iphone but I am holding off because it would be pure materialistic self-indulgence to go for it. Though I may succumb to the upgrade version coming out in a year or so? If I haven’t found a husband by then? Which I doubt. Px

  • Twinkletoes says:

    Flat and empty here too, P, so you’re not alone. I hate this time of year.

    Yesterday I signed up with another dating agency. It said free to register and search, and then came the catch… £24.95 for one month’s membership. I didn’t bother filling in any of my profile, it just shows a name, age and county.

    This morning, lo and behold, I have a message from Paul, 61, in Buckinghamshire. My cynic radar immediately started beeping furiously – there’s no info on my profile and I’m many miles away from Bucks. I logged in and could see Paul’s profile, with a bare-chested photo of him sitting by a pool. No chance of reading the message without paying £24.95 for a month, or signing up for longer, which reduces the monthly rate considerably but means you end up paying more in the long run.

    The most depressing part of all is that there are the same men on there in my area as are on PoF. Can’t see why I would want to pay to meet the same men as I can meet for free. Sigh!

    • The Plankton says:

      Sigh indeed! You are brave to have taken the step though. Best of luck and don’t get too low. Keep in touch. Px

    • june says:

      Yes twinkletoes many on plenty fish on other sites too. Also you will get men from miles away,i presume they think you are so desperate you will travel miles. Er no i wont, i like where i live i have no desire to live or spend my weekends elsewhere!

      Ive fallen for that free to sign up, and then to even see a message you have to pay, dont fall for it, i wasted 24.95 and it was a total waste of money, there was no-one worth having. I got the odd one or two chatted,then heard hide nor hair, maybe just looking for sex, who knows. Hope you have more luck than me but dont get your hopes up, I have given up all hope of any dating site finding me a man.People say, but people do,a friend of a friend did, or my cousin in scotland did, and you think well they must be very desperate, dropped their standards way down or be prepared to accept someone in outer mongolia then!

  • Lydia says:

    I just don’t have those experiences. Every day I get an email from a man via a dating site. Often they aren’t much good but sometimes they are and they aren’t the same men again and again. I virtually never come across the same ones.

    This is a great time of year. There is a surge in men who were lonely at Christma who make a new year resolution to find a woman. You need to seize this time of year with happiness and enthusiasm as it can yield much fruit,.

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