Turista and Crunt!

January 1, 2012 § 35 Comments

Absolutely best possible New Year’s Eve.  None of the usual enforced shenanigans.  Just the five of us altogether at Charlotte and her husband’s house, delicious supper, lots of craic and the Dictionary Game, my favourite.

The two new words we learned which we liked best were:-

Turista – diarrhoea suffered by tourists to Mexico.  Not South America or India or Sheffield.  Just Mexico.  I am serious!  It’s too good to be true.  I shall have to think twice, obviously, before deciding it should be Chihuahua to which I should to plankton-venture.

Crunt – A blow on the head.  Which is very fitting, as I dare say some of us may be feeling this morning that this is what we perhaps suffered during the night?

We voiced our resolutions for 2012.

I am not going to be handing out fivers to those of you who can guess what mine was and indeed still is this morning as it has been every morn, noon and night for the past few years, and will probably remain until 2043.  That would be quite the quickest and most stupid way in all the world to bankrupt myself entirely.

But Happy, Happy New Year to you all and, at the risk of sounding cornier than all the feet seen to by Dr Scholl, let all our plankton dreams come true!

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§ 35 Responses to Turista and Crunt!

  • Charlotte says:

    Happy New Year! Wishing you a year full of fun and happiness!

  • MissM says:

    Happy, happy New Year to you dear Plankton, and all readers whether they be plankton of any sort or not. Let there be lots of good luck forthcoming in 2012 for us all. Personally I’d be thrilled to have only one particular wish fulfilled for me this year, and no prizes for guessing what that would be for. I suspect the Grand Receiver of Wishes, whoever that may be, is hearing the same wish being sent from generic plankton all around the world. I’m going to hope for lots of generosity in wish fulfilment for everyone this year.

  • Elle says:

    Happy New Year Plankton and thanks for starting this great blog in 2011! I hope you get what you wish for in 2012. I probably want the same thing but I’m going to wish for other things as well, just in case the gods can’t fulfil my first one.

    Change is always good for a new Year. Remember, if you keep doing the same things over and over again you will keep getting the same results.

  • Lydia says:

    The wish should be happy as one is (and then if a man come along so much the better and if not it doesn’t matter).

    Or to change those things which make people not find a man like mental attitude or clothes (although I won’t suggest breasts given the problems over implants we are seeing today). Or to double working hours and income to ensure no time for naval gazing.

    Happy new year to all.

    • The Plankton says:

      And Happy New Year to you too! px

    • Elle says:

      Double working hours and income. If only it were that simple. Thanks to the economy there are people whose income has practically halved even though their working hours have increased significantly. Only greedy consultants and the like can command more income these days if they work harder.

      • Mezzanine says:

        Too right Elle. I work for a trade union (don’t hate me for it, I love my job) but I deal with our members’ work problems every day and it breaks my heart that we are, once again, at the point of no return. This is the worst recession I’ve ever seen and I’ve lived through a few. I’m absolutely sure things will get better eventually but to suggest that you double your working hours to boost your income, please, Lydia, get a grip.

      • MissM says:

        It’s just one of Lydia’s stock answers, basically translating as ‘shut up and get back to work’. I’ve never yet heard of anyone on their deathbed saying they wished they’d spent more time during their life at work. Instead it seems to be pretty universal that when it comes down to the crunch, people value their relationships most of all. Not to mention that money doesn’t necessarily buy happiness. As long as basic needs for a warm home, meals etc are met I’d rather be poor and partnered than rich and alone.

        This along with suggestions like ‘get boob implants’ (a suggestion only now withdrawn purely due to the latest problems), ‘go to medical school’ or ‘buy a second home in France’ will only get added to the list of ridiculous and unrealistic solutions offered by Lydia for plankton.

      • Lydia says:

        I have never suggested get implants as I think women should be defined by their careers and hobbies and achievements not by their bodies. My looks are about 5% of what I am and if I lost them I wouldn;t care. Far too many women are brought up in sexist homes adn made to be virtual clothes horses who expect to lie on their backs and get kept by a man for life. This is the rot we need to root out.

        Yes, I am very conscious of the recession. However if half the time spent moaning (I don’t necessarily mean plankton but people in general) were spent in all the effort I put into marketing stuff which usually fails they might find they do better. Go out today with leaflets offering to run parties for chilsren or to clean gutters of leaves (has the advantage the latter of weight loss without cost too and nothing to stop women climbing ladders) – The Female Gutter Service. I just invented it. Anyone impoverished on this page can be my first franchisee.

        The principle that the devil makes works for idle hands etc though is sound and the unemployed (and housewives) are often depressed.I don’t agree that people on their death bed never wished they’d had a more fun and lucrative career. Plenty do. the William Boyd novel I just read was full of how poor this chap was in his 70s when ill and old and no longer able to eke a living from writing.

        Women in particular can come into their own post 50 in career terms as their children get more independent. It is a golden age for us but you have to lay the foundations as a teenager with good A levels and degree and a sensible career choice or a good business idea and hard work later on.

        It’s January so my ideas to you all today are forget men and think about a weight loss idea or even dating as your business idea of the day. Self reliance uber alles can be our slogan for today both from a life and business point of view and also in terms of relationships with others.

      • Elle says:

        I know a woman who set up a very successful jam making business in her 50s after her children had finished school. She learnt the basic recipes from her mother-in-law and her eldest daughter (a chef) helped her develop a superb range of upmarket preserves which sell in Ireland and abroad.

      • Elle says:

        The woman who makes the preserves didn’t need A-Levels to set up her business, just entrepreneurial spirit, her mother-in-law’s recipes and some ingenuity.

      • Ian Ironwood says:

        I guess Lydia’s responses are valid only if you don’t want men in your life. I know a lot of single dudes, and when they’re looking for potential mates I can assure you that “business acumen” and “earning potential” don’t make the top 30. Self reliance is seen as a very positive trait . . . in other men. If a woman is “self-reliant”, then why does she need a husband?

        SO sure, encourage your teenage girls to go take the corporate world by storm and pile up a lot of money . . . but you can forget about grandkids. If you want a man in your life, then you should pay at least some attention to your femininity along with your homework. Because if you squander your early years, then all you have to look forward to is one long series of paychecks and pant suits and lonely Saturday nights.

  • EmGee says:

    May your Resolution-Which-Shall-Not-Be-Mentioned come to pass, and that you won’t run out of things to say, come what may!

  • EmGee says:

    Ooops! forgot to tick the Notify box 🙂

  • Barry says:

    I’ll second that P … hope all you wish for comes true in 2012 .

  • june says:

    Indeed Plankton lets hope all our wishes come to pass for 2012.

    However after yesterday happenings with a dear friend of mine and her relationship, that she keeps patching up, as she is terrified of becoming a plankton i feel we are all wise to wait for someone who is right for us. She came to new years eve party without the partner, as he didnt want to come, he isnt sociable like her, one of the problems with relationship, and things are not good. Fear of lonlieness is no reason for having someone just to fill a gap. So if im ever tempted to just settle, i think of her and know i cant. and would rather be alone than be with someone who wants to change me into someone else, hates my friends, and just isnt right for me. So think on all you planktons, hard as it may sometimes seem,there are worse things than being a plankton.

    • Lizzie from Oz says:

      Oh June, that story sounds so familiar! I think that this is the worst time of the year ‘when things aren’t quite right’. Every emotion is magnified and there is such pressure to have a great time, that if you are not having a great time, or at least not even on the same level as your partner, then it feels like shit.

    • Lydia says:

      Very much worse things. I was never as lonely as when I was in my long unhappy marriage and never as happy as single.

    • Ian Ironwood says:

      If you truly believe that, then go to the hospital and find a spinster in her 80s and ask her if she’d “settle” instead of living out her life on her own if she had a second chance. I’m sure her answer might surprise you.

      • june says:

        Well Ian i am sure if she had settled for a control freak who treated her like crap she might have wish she hadnt settled.

        When i see what men do to women, i am sometimes very glad i didnt settle, We had the delightful bloke today who had 6 guns, and decided to take one to kill his partner, her sister and another girl. Also another charmer who kidnapped his girlfriend the mother of his new born child, and murdered her. Also i know of many others, who maybe dont go this far, but women are so scared of being a plankton they put up with all sorts, friends of mine have and do. A good relationship is lovely but a crap one isnt Ian and as a spinster, horrible bloody word, conjures up someone i dont feel like, id rather be on my own than have to contend with what lots of women put up with. Lydia may talk rubbish at times, but quite frankly so do you. Yes i know women are not perfect,im not but on the whole we are a damm sight more perfect than lots of men, those four poor girls i mentioned previously, will never have a chance to get to 80, thanks to the creeps who were their partners. Yes there are good men , i know friends who have them and my own lovely dad was one, but dont tell me i will regret being a spinster rather than be involved with the bad ones, cause i wont.

  • june says:

    Yes Lizzie i do think Christmas and New Year bring lots of emotions to surface in relationships. My friend is a lovely person, and very attractive but her lack of self esteem makes her think she isnt, and her and partner just not suited. She is terrified of becoming a plankton so puts up with whatever, Very sad her friends mean so much to her as she doesent get on with her family, the usual today, parents remarried etc, As shes younger than me i feel quite maternal towards her and she always turns to me and our other friend who is happily married with a very understanding husband who is very fond of her too luckily. So sad this dread of planktoness that makes people put up with anything to avoid being one. That i, and i am sure all of us on here could never do, we all want a relationship but with someone who suits us and d accepts us as we are, id really rather be a plankton than be with the wrong person.

  • rosie says:

    I know people who haven’t slept together in years, or actively dislike each other, but are so scared of being alone they stick together no matter what. I’ve considered a platonic relationship before now rather than face the alternative for however much longer, as long as he didn’t make my skin crawl and we got on well. Then again, that would probably be harder to find than someone you did want to get down to business with.

    Let’s hope 2012 bucks the trend for all of us and that planktonhood becomes just a bad memory. Pretty please!

    Lydia’s answers are so ridiculous and clueless, if indeed they and she is for real, as to not be worth commenting on anymore.

    • MissM says:

      Oh yes indeed Rosie to have planktonhood become nothing more than a bad memory is all I would want from 2012.

      I thought about the platonic relationship thing to for about all of 2 minutes. I concluded, as you have, that finding a compatible person to live with who didn’t want sex was going to be probably even more difficult than finding a person who could be a partner in bed as well. Plus I really do miss the physical aspect of a relationship and it is the thought that my future will never contain any romantic physical affection again that is the most terrifying thought of all. Casual sex is not an option, sex and love are too closely interwoven for me. I tend to think of love as a pretty basic human need also, to quote from “How Soon is Now” by Morrissey: “I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does”.

      Lydia’s comments are still amusing me for just how incredibly ridiculous and clueless they are. I’ve never seen anything like it. If Lydia is real I have to say she certainly is not on the same planet as the rest of us. Her mind seems to exist somewhere up in the outer stratosphere (perhaps this is just because she sounds so spaced out) from where she drops what she imagines are pearls of wisdom on us mere mortals. Unfortunately we haven’t the good grace to go out and lose the four stone (four stone is rather a lot, nearly half my entire body weight, and why am I doing that when I am not supposed to aiming to be a glorified clothes horse anyway) while cleaning gutters as part of our new, fun and lucrative career which will be ever so fulfilling and also enable us to go buy that second home in France. All I can really say is lol.

    • EmGee says:

      Not quite *well nigh impossible*, but one in a million perhaps. A month in, and having the ex bf living with me is working out. It probably ought to be mentioned that he didn’t leave me last spring for someone else or for ‘greener pastures’, just got overwhelmed with life in general and being in a relationship was too much. He pulled his life mostly back together over the summertime, and by the time we were getting comfortable being friends in autumn, he found out he was losing his living place by the end of Dec. I offered a place to live and store his things and he accepted.

      We are only slightly more than room mates; I delight in being able to cook for more than one, he likes to cook things too, and helps with cleanup and general chores around the place. We sleep in the same bed and even snuggle a little, but he’s just not sexually charged, and my desires aren’t overwhelming, either. No second honeymoon yet. Love and affection trump sex for me, after having been in a loveless marriage with someone who wanted little more than gratification in bed. If I can’t have it all, I’ll take the current situation.

  • Margaux says:

    Oh I don’t know, Rosie – half the fun is in trying to decipher what she means!

    This one had me foxed all morning:

    “However if half the time spent moaning (I don’t necessarily mean plankton but people in general) were spent in all the effort I put into marketing stuff which usually fails they might find they do better”

    Why put in time ‘marketing stuff’ if it is going to fail?

  • rosie says:

    If she’s advocating names like The Female Gutter service I’m not surprised her marketing efforts fail. Sounds more like a homeless shelter for crack-addled prostitutes than a cleaning firm. It’s nonsense like that and the total lack of empathy, humour and self awareness that makes me think she’s not real. If someone can say, with all seriousness, that people with regional accents should be seen and not heard, and that’s just one gem of many, on a public blog it suggests they either do live in the stratosphere or they’re not the sharpest tool in the shed. Which is probably the same thing.

    • Cadders says:

      I’ve lurked here for a few weeks (not really got anything to add re planktonhood as I am a happily married man) but this;

      “If she’s advocating names like The Female Gutter service I’m not surprised her marketing efforts fail. Sounds more like a homeless shelter for crack-addled prostitutes than a cleaning firm.”

      Well, I’ve just sprayed my coffee over my keyboard.

      Just though you should know.

  • rosie says:

    ps, or that they’re winding us all up.

  • Joules says:

    Dear Margaux

    In my experience marketing people do not care really about whether something succeeds – just if they can be shown to do something regarding marketing. Regardless of outcome they are usually rewarded financially for this. We have a director of marketing and membership at the conservation charity where I work – what a waste of money! The man would not know a thought if it hit him right between the eyes.

    Sorry Lydia but money is not the only reason some of us have a career.

  • june says:

    Yes Lydia cannot be real can she, its impossible, what she is saying seems to get more and more ridiculous every blog.

    Yes Rosie people do stay together for fear of lonlieness. Ran into my friend today, shopping, retail therapy always hits the spot with her and me come to that, its one of loves we both share, she said hes ok today, she will paper over cracks as she always does. Yes being alone can be crap as we all know but surely there is nothing more lonelier and crap than a relationship that isnt right and the feeling the person no longer loves you. How the hell does anyone put up with that. Yes Miss M i think to find a man who doesent want sex would be nigh on impossible. In Fenmail today 59 year old Linda Kelsey was saying how she likes sex and enjoys it and how women over 55 are doing same, Well perhaps she would like to tell all us over 55 year olds where the hell the men are to enjoy sex with, cause i and noone i know can meet anyone to even go out with,let alone enjoy bloody sex. If you know her Plankton with your journalistic connections , perhaps you would like to ask her.

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