Bikram Body

January 5, 2012 § 36 Comments

Inspired by me (who doesn’t even know what a single Bikram move looks like but has seen the transformation in my Bikram-mad friend), a close member of my family went to her first Bikram yoga class yesterday.  I am booked into my first class today, but this was the text she sent me:

“At Bikram the male instructor wore nothing but speedos, the girl next to me fainted and I had to lie down to make sure I didn’t throw up…”

I wasn’t imagining for a moment (visualising!) that I was going to find a heavenly body (somebody else’s; male) there for keeps, but I was planning on going purely to try to turn my far-from-heavenly body into a rather better one in the hopes that that might increase my chances of finding somewhere a somebody (male) for keeps.

Only now there is an ill wind: literal (kept me awake all night) and metaphorical (speedos; faintness and nausea on top of the stinking bodily fluids I have already been warned about).  I am suddenly not so sure the babysitter can make it as early as 5.30 this afternoon when the class begins.

Alas.  And procrastination anew.


§ 36 Responses to Bikram Body

  • Sarah says:


    My solution is an unexpected consequence of buying a new XBox for my boys with Kinect, in a bundle with Dance Central. It turns out the dances are really easy (at the easy level) and cool, and terrific fun, and I’ve been allowed to join in which is essential as I don’t know how to work the equipment…

    I love a good dance so this is how I’m going to be working up my heart rate in the immediate future. That and keeping up with Slendertone to buzz the hell out of my recalcitrant stomach muscles… Works a treat! Bzzzz

    • joules says:

      Try a Zumba class. Great workout and fun. Mainly females in classes though so suppose that is not so good for meeting possible partners but still a great workout. I have tried yoga but strangely enough it made my back worse instead of better. I also do belly dancing – well if you have it might as well flaunt it – found it is much better for my back than yoga. Have not had the courage yet to perform in public but might this summer.

      And Ms P – you must go to the class just for the humour factor and report the dress or otherwise of the instructor. Don’t eat before hand though – those speedos are definately off putting.

      • Sarah says:

        I’m not keen on classes, Joules, I’d much rather prance about in the privacy of my own home when I feel like it. I hate adding to my list of obligations by joining a group.

  • Lydia says:

    Go. It’s wonderful. It’s life changing. It’s one of the best exercises for health and body that there is on the planet. With the Lydia recommendation for it you have to go.

    The only bit I don’t like is the medically wrong mumbo jumbo about release of stuff and effects they feel they have to spout out there and at other yoga classes but you can let that wash over you.

    It’s also the same movements every time and people of all ages to it. there are usually a few very fat people, even old men and women. It’s very inclusive. I hope I’m still doing it when I’m 90.

  • Margaux says:

    Pilates, Plankton! No omming and sweating and communing with your higher self. No hippy philosophy. And no distracting speedos either.( ugh!) Just great exercises that stretch and tone and keep everything oiled and working.

    Started it a year ago .Once a week or sometimes twice if time allows. Result. More toned; flatter stomach ( miracle!); more bendy ( just need someone to find out how bendy) …and I’ve grown an inch taller!

    Tried yoga ( not the sweaty version I admit) but the attendant esotericism was not for me. Pilates – I can’t recommend it highly enough.

    • MissBates says:

      Another member of the PIlates brigade here. I used to like yoga but got sick of the chanting/granola crowd. Or maybe it was that hideous book, “Eat Pray Love” that put me off. I can’t recall. In any event, enjoy whatever class you decide on!

  • rosie says:

    Another pilates devotee here, so much so that I wouldn’t be able to walk if I hadn’t taken it up (had two slipped discs). There are even a few men in my class, although one of them is married and the other two… well, you wouldn’t really want to go there.

    The speedos sound hilarious but what’s with the ‘stinking bodily fluids? Are people crapping themselves mid workout?! Maybe you should stand at the front so you’re not downwind of anyone. But you have to go, if only to tell us all about it!

  • june says:


    Ive thought about pilates does it really make you taller, as someone of barely 5ft this sounds a encouraging prospect. My mum suffered badly from osteoporis and as i have tiny bones,i guess i am at high risk and understand pilates very good .for helping to prevent this.

    Think any kind of dancing good for backs, the only joy of the POF disco was the dancing helped my back,it felt better than had for months.

  • Margaux says:

    June – I promise I am an inch taller! I measured myself as I was starting to feel taller and was wondering if I was imagining it.

    I think this is due to a combination of things. Better posture as a result of building strong core abdominal muscles , a better aligned spine and general muscle stretching.
    I always feel fantastically ‘stretched out’ after a class which is a great de-stresser too.

    I would strongly suggest finding a class to begin with rather than trying any exercise dvds, as a good teacher will make sure you are doing everything correctly.

  • paolo says:

    It’s nice to read all these comments from middle-aged women who claim to be exercising. It is immensely attractive to me (and I assume other middle-aged men) when a woman cares enough about her health and body that she exercises. Even if the exercising does not produce a slim figure, the fact that the effort is being made is always appreciated. I’m more attracted to women who are a little overweight but are making the effort through diet and exercise, than I am to women who starve themselves thin but don’t exercise or eat healthy food.

    Ms. Plankton – how about just walking a few miles each day at a quick, steady pace? It’s easy, it’s good for you, and there are no speedos involved.

    • joules says:

      Well at least not in Britain in this weather – in reference to the presence or otherwise of speedos.

    • Lydia says:

      I think is a blog read by reasonably well educated and well off fairly successful women etc and in the Uk they tend to take exercise and stay slim. Weight issues tend to be class based in the UK.

  • rosie says:

    Paolo, I don’t know if you’ve ever tried walking a few miles each day at a ‘quick, steady pace’ in London but it’s a tall order!

    Re pilates, I’d also recommend finding a good teacher before trying any DVDs etc, otherwise you could do yourself some mischief.

  • Jo says:

    Each to their own. Don’t go on say-so P. Make up your own – considerable- mind. Why not try some of the things you may find appealing and see which one takes your fancy? What may/may not work for others may be the thing you love the most. Or not. I’m an (ashtanga) yoga girl myself. Never met any ‘chanting/granola crowd’. How generalised is that?!! Plankton are used to generalisation about the kind of women we are. Please don’t apply it to other areas folks…….
    I tried all of the above, to see for myself. Before I settled on one that I liked most. Can’t know otherwise, if decisions are based purely on others’ personal views.
    Don’t procrastinate. Give it a go.
    A good motto for Life I find actually……..

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you, Jo. it is extremely flattering to be told I have a considerable mind, almost to the point I might not bother so much with the body. There again, maybe not such a good idea! Best wishes, px

    • MissBates says:

      Not generalizing, Jo, merely accurately describing MY experience at the various yoga establishments I’ve frequented. YOUR yoga classes may well be filled with completely secular, enthusiastic consumers of red meat who smoke two packs a day. MY classes, however, were filled with vegetarian women who were very much devoted to the spiritual (i.e., “chanting”) side of yoga practice. Good for them! Not for me!

      • Jo says:

        Sorry MissBates. You’re right. That’s YOUR experience. That’s it. Yours alone. Apparently filled with ‘vegetarian women’ etc etc etc….
        But you ARE generalising. How on earth would you know the kind of women (and some men actually) who may ‘fill’ my yoga classes? I didn’t describe them. Nor painted them with any wholesale description of ‘completely secular, enthusiastic consumers of red meat (!!!) who smoke two packs a day’! Bloody hell. What on earth is all that about? Baffling. Ridiculous and ludicrously unfair.
        I’m surprised. I usually love your comments, but this is plain daft and idiotic.

  • EmGee says:

    I agree about Pilates -great form of exercise, although I confess I cannot stick to routines myself, I stuck with pilates the longest. Yoga is great, but too much New Age Baggage, esp out here in CA.

  • Lydia says:

    Singing is good too for making people feel good. I was just at the piano singing and playing this

    • Margaux says:

      Wolf’s Verborgenheit ????

      Lydia – are you for real???

      • Lydia says:

        I might be differentb ut I’m real. Why should I not like singing? I acecpt it’s a piece to sing when you’re miserable, true. I sang it again and again when I failed my driving test aged 17. It’s a gorgeous piece however and singing does make people feel good because you fill your lungs with air.

        People don’t sing anything like enough these days. They used to sing at work and whistle in the streets. It’s a pity we’ve lost that.

      • MissM says:

        Of course she is not real, but that reached new heights of hilariousness. Whoever has created Lydia has a talent that needs to be taken to television. Just imagine a show along the lines of ‘Life Lessons with Lydia’. It could cover important subjects such how to ensure the ski resort is very exclusive and why one simply must own one’s own island, with a special visit to Lydia’s very own pile of sand in the ocean. At every opportunity some comment would be made about any passing male suggesting how much he desires her, like all men do, since it is only natural – cut to man trying to avoid her presence as much as possible, like the poor cat in the classic Pepe Le Pew cartoons. The scene when she is at the piano singing this would be absolutely priceless though.

      • Twinkletoes says:

        Oh Miss M (January 7 at 10:29 pm), that had me cackling! Thank you!

  • rosie says:

    Course she’s not. Too much to ask to block her?

    • Elle says:

      Why should Lydia be blocked? I like her contributions even though they’re a bit off the wall sometimes. Real or not she makes the place interesting and challenges popular opinion without being intentionally hurtful.

      There are other contributors who are downright sadistic, albeit implicitly. Lydia is not like this.

      I think we are all very lucky to be allowed contribute here. Why should we grudge that privilege to anyone else?

  • rosie says:

    Jo, it’s called irony.

    • Geoffrey says:

      I know Lydia may express opinions which are different from most, but in her defence this song is rather appropriate and very beautiful. And I didn’t know it till now. So thanks Lydia – and everyone else, keep an open mind!

      • Lydia says:

        it would be a dull planet and indeed blog if everyone had the same views. For me if a man can sing well that’s a huge plus point but I certainly don’t have perfect pitch and superb at sight singing on a massive long list of criteria.

      • MissM says:

        I couldn’t even sit through the whole thing myself, but that means nothing since everyone has different tastes. To each their own. Glad you found something new that you liked though.

    • Jo says:

      Thanks for the lesson Rosie. Not.

  • rosie says:

    Ok, maybe asking for Lydia to be blocked was a bit extreme although I’m not sure she ‘challenges popular opinion’. Either someone out there is taking the piss or she really does believe the rubbish she writes. It might not be sadistic but it’s more than a little contemptuous, imo, anyway. And, tellingly, she never defends her more outrageous remarks when she’s picked up on them, just carries on regardless. But I guess I can always skip her posts.

    • Elle says:

      Lydia is equally challenging to everyone here, that’s Plankton-in-Chief and the rest of us. If some people find her annoying so be it.

      However, other contributors are sweet to Plankton-in-Chief but are overtly and covertly nasty to almost everybody else and especially to anyone who dares to disagree with them. These people leave a stench of sulphur in their wake and being nice to our leader doesn’t disguise their true motive, which is to ridicule single women of a certain age for the possible amusement of people on other blogs.

      Of course I could be wrong about this.

  • Jo says:

    No. Lydia must not be blocked. It is important that everyone’s views are heard. Even if they’re disagreed with or annoy people. There could be reasons for P to block someone (if she wishes to -this her blog after all ), but Lydia and her views are not reasons to do so. To each their own.
    You carry on Lydia. Even ‘though I often don’t agree with what you say!

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