Shakespearean Shit Day

January 8, 2012 § 53 Comments

Deeply shit day.

Shakespearean emotions from the past have risen up to flail me totally.

Haven’t been able to put proverbial pen to paper till this moment.  Have been feeling hurt and angry and sick and am all too aware of living the life, today, of quiet desperation, all the while needing to scream and shout, but cannot.  Must not.  And just because of a family situation which has grabbed me unawares and brought me down.  I have felt volcanic but have been having to hold it together – the restraint, oh, the restraint – and posting in the middle of it all was not possible.  The storm inside me has now subsided and I am calmer but am still a little shaky in the face of a certain upset in the wake of turbulence.

Of course, because of it – and it’s nothing to do with planktonhood, or at least not directly – I have been full of gloom and doom and thinking I am destined to be alone for EVER, because that is how I invariably think when other things are working against me.  I think, how are things ever going to change?  The humiliation is set to drag on and on and on…  This is how I see the world today.

And you don’t really want to hear it, why on earth should you?  I don’t want to digger-dump my tedious shit on you so I won’t bellyache on.

I promise: it’ll be business as usual tomorrow.

Tomorrow, it’ll be smiling and waving, smiling and waving all the way.

§ 53 Responses to Shakespearean Shit Day

  • So sorry ur having a shit day. Sometimes you just have to bear the shittiness. Don’t feel responsible for our happiness! You are such a trouper, you’ll be fine.

  • Erin says:

    Dear P, so sorry you are having a shitty day : ( You are allowed to dump your shit on us because we care. It helps to get it all out, so vent away. You don’t have to wear your mask on here. Big hugs to you today : )

  • Mezzanine says:

    Oh Ms P, I understand what you are saying and where you are in your head. I’m there too. You are not alone in feeling this way. I’ve had family issues to deal with and, boy, has it dragged me down. Different issues, same feelings!

    I just wanted to comment to say you are not alone and I hope things get better soon. Take care x

  • ToneDeafSinger says:

    oh my goodness – what’s going on? Problems with your children? Your mother? I hope it can be solved.

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you. I am sure it can be solved. It is one of those things which rises up from time to time – a fact of life – and then goes away again till another day… Thanks for your support. Px

  • MissBates says:

    Oh f*ck the “smiling and waving, smiling and waving,” at least for one day. So sorry you’re having to deal with a “family situation” (a more sinister phrase has never been coined) that makes you feel all the more plankton-y. Whatever it is, I hope it resolves soon.

    • The Plankton says:

      Thanks, MissBates. I would so love to rail about it to you all – ooh, I have so much to say – but it is one subject I can never broach, alas. I have made that pledge to myself, mainly for the sake of my children. My aim is never ever to write about anything directly related to them and my ex-husband and our family situation (except for the very rare and completely generic reference), so that I can never ever be accused of compromising them in any way. But I appreciate your concern and that of all my other kind commentators. Thank you so much. px

  • Barry says:

    Virtual Hug to P …..we are still out here…waiting …xx

  • rosie says:

    Oh no, sorry to hear you’ve had a shit day, P. If it’s any consolation I’m no stranger to (dysfunctional) family feuds or feeling I am destined to be alone forever. Apart from a visit to the cinema last night (the Iron Lady… Meryl Streep is fantastic as Thatch but the politics are somewhat glossed over) I’ve spent the weekend in solitary confinement for the however-many-thousandth-time in what feels like as many years. Which begs the question, how long before loneliness makes you go proper raging, stark-staring, box-of-frogs mad?

    But tomorrow is another day, as they say. x

    • The Plankton says:

      They do say it, indeed, Rosie. Sorry to hear you have had a solitary weekend, except for Mrs T. I am not sure I would choose to spend 15 seconds with her, so I can’t face the film. Two kindly friends scooped me up last night and spirited me off to a noodle bar before seeing The Artist, which put a smile on my face. That could be next on your list? px

    • MissM says:

      Ditto Rosie on feeling destined to be alone forever, and how I hate that feeling more than any other.

      The question of how long until loneliness makes you go completely insane is a good one. I am beginning to think it might be better to be a complete utter nutter than be sane and acutely and painfully aware of every minute of pointless existence on one’s own. Especially when all the future has to offer is more of the same. The delusional however seem to have the sort of bliss that can only come from ignorance. We’ve seen one who is the epitome of clueless happiness posting here. Oh the joy of those who are too incompetent to recognise their incompetence. So bring on insanity, I am somewhat looking forward to it.

      • Lulu says:

        Ditto Rosie and ditto Miss M on feeling destined to be alone. I think I am on the insanity border currently .. have been edging toward it for a while now but being back at work working in a solitary (and very dull) office, then going home to a solitary flat, is nudging me closer and closer to the edge methinks. Didn’t help speaking to a married friend last night, with whom I spoke of my desire (for the thousandth time) to be in a relationship again, only to be told that “happiness comes from within” and “if you are waiting for Mr Perfect he doesn’t exist”. If she had been in the room I would’ve punched her.
        Poor Plankton, so sorry you are having a bad day. I have had months and months filled with them recently so my heart goes out to you. Just remember the old, but true, saying … “This too shall pass” xx

      • The Plankton says:

        Dear Lulu, I am so sorry to hear you have been feeling so low and my thoughts are with you, as I am sure are many others here. As you so rightly pointed out to me: it will pass. Take care and very best wishes, Px

      • MissM says:

        Dear Lulu, your married friend certainly managed to find two of the most useless comments in the world to make to you. I can see how that was no help at all.

        I have had more that my fair share of bad days Lulu, so I can understand where you are coming from. You have my empathy and some virtual hugs. I count on “this too shall pass” all the time, but I am wondering if I will die of old age first. I feel thoroughly and utterly stuck at the moment in a most unpleasant point in life that shows no sign of changing at all.

        On being crazy, it seems more appealing than being sane at the moment. if I had the opportunity to sign myself into a nuthouse for a while I probably would. The thought of having no responsibilities and lots of medication sounds just great right now.

  • Empress says:

    Well said Miss Bates, couldn’t agree more. Take your time dear P, if more oblique “venting” is required I say go for it, specific details aren’t neccessary for your supporters. You already have our support, so do whatever it takes to feel better about this turbulence.

  • Lydia says:

    There’s a whole wealth of detail there that we cannot get into from disputes over contact time, new women, step mothers, step siblings, ex husbands with new babies, ex husbands giving up work so they don’t have to pay support and all the rest. Also many divorce consent orders and court orders say that certain details may not be disclosed so there may be legal as well as moral restraints never mind the law on the privacy of others. I always have a problem even with people who put up their children’s photographs on line without the child’s consent. So discretion is certainly a good idea.

    That lady who wrote in the Times about her son’s drugs problem as a teenager is a good illlustration of the issues even with anonymous postings. I think I try pretty well not to write about my off spring. I’ve said they exist but I doubt they would object to that.

    The only general advice that can be given is that all of us all the time have difficult things with which to cope. We cannot avod that. All we can control is how we react to and to an extent how we feel about those things and if we work on that area that can help.

    I have some problems of my own but I just try to keep going. I even called a man although I can’t stand the South African accent so we were off to a bad start, then got into why his wife earns nothing and was a ugh.. housewife… and well we had things to say and he’s quite nice but I don’t think he would be right for me but then again may be that is another brilliant single man about my age I am letting through my grasp. Am not that keen on his photograph either. His child even goes to a state school, Heaven Forfend…

  • Joules says:

    Dear Ms P.
    Solitary weekend here too with my cupboards and cleaning but not that shitty – but then I can ignore the needleing emails that I have recieved this weekend because I have no children to consider.

    I am so sorry you had a shitty day and can guess (a bit) what has sparked it. You are right to put your children first tho it can be hard. Hugs from me too – you have all my support – and admiration for doing a hard job (raising children) so well.

  • Elle says:

    Family situations can be very trying. I hope you and whoever else is involved comes through ok. You can always tell us if you’re having a bad day but you don’t have to tell us why. During bad times it’s good to have support and I hope that even virtual support helps.

  • Penelope Sheridan says:

    Dear P. What has happened? I am so sorry. I follow you every day but do not normally reply (mostly because I forgot my password until some kind person referred us back to the original and lo and behold! Please try not to feel too down – it happens to us all – it will pass (like the proverbial!). I always find comfort in the fact that “I am not the only one” .and, As for the, I for one DO want to hear it. I do care! “Shakespearian emotions” doesn’t give us much of a clue – but, whatever, it has hurt you, and for that I am sorry. Just remember – we are all rooting for you!!
    Lol (in the old fashioned sense)

    • The Plankton says:

      Dear Dinah, This is a very kind comment and thank you. I am delighted you have been able to remember your password and do so. And thanks for following me so loyally. Much appreciated. Px

  • rosie says:

    The Artist is next on my list, although I can’t persuade anyone else to come with so it will be a solo outing. Will make it an afternoon viewing rather than evening so I don’t feel quite so much like an axe murderer!

    • The Plankton says:

      You know what? I was going to go alone on Friday afternoon, or yesterday afternoon, and couldn’t quite face the trip alone, so hit on a couple of obliging friends to go with me last night and am so glad I did. I do occasionally go to films alone but if one can find someone to come along, it is so much nicer, not least for the debate afterwards! Let me know what you think of it. Px

    • ToneDeafSinger says:

      I want to see The Artist too… I hope to go on 15th Jan. with a local cinema club which has only just been started… only one meeting so far (3 showed up). I hope it continues!

  • anniebub says:

    Don’t go and see The Deep Blue Sea for heavens’ sake! I dragged my best friend to watch it last week, and she was not very well and I felt such a heel afterwards. (It is off the main circuit but keeps turning up in B rate cinemas, of which we have a fine example in our local town), and anyway, is not the sort of film that would cheer you up in any way, shape or form. Apart from a brilliant performance by Rachel Weisz, who plays a repressed wife who loses her head to a heartless cad, it is unremittingly miserable!! Just in case you were thinking of it. As for family situations… you have all my sympathy. No point in going into it, but the worst for putting a dagger in your heart. Hope your wheel of fortune is going to turn soon. xx

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you, Anniebub, on all counts. I was wanting to see The Deep Blue Sea, but think I now won’t bother. Thanks for the tip-off. Also thanks re wheel of fortune! Fingers crossed. xx

      • ToneDeafSinger says:

        This “deep blue sea” plot sounds a bit like Visconti’s film “Senso” of 1954… I’m not as old as that, I must have seen it much later… I suppose some stories are immortal / timeless. Madame Bovary, too. Stuck in an unhappy marriage, throws everything away for passion and… it all ends belly up. Not that I ever got the chance and my marriage was desperately boring… I mean lonely…
        I now have two men writing two me from two different dating websites. One lives a bit too far in my opinion, the other one looks like Adolf Hitler in the photo… although he claims he does not in real life… and he does sound a bit weird. I wonder how it will all end up.

  • Lizzie from Oz says:

    This does not sound good. Time is of the essence and time will heal it or at least make the insufferable sufferable. But this is not much help right now. Virtual hugs and offerings of chocolate and cappacinos.
    And may I send you a favourite quotation of mine, which I think might ring true for all of us….
    ‘There are some people, they are like countries. And when you are with them, that is your country, and you speak it’s language. And then it does not matter where in the world you are with them, you are at home’.
    Christopher Isherwood
    The World in the Evening

  • MissM says:

    Dear P, of course we do want you to “to digger-dump my tedious shit” on us, as much as the boundaries of your privacy will allow. Sharing the bad times strengthens bonds and understanding since we have no doubt all been there ourselves and can relate. Sharing problems lightens the burden on the soul even if no actual solving is done. The bright cheerful smiling mask is for the outside world, this is the safe place to come to and be yourself when things are not all roses and sunshine. We are here to support you through good and bad. A fair weather friend is no friend at all. My thoughts are with you today, with best wishes that things will improve for you soon. Sending lots of virtual hugs.

  • Chris says:

    Hiya Planky !! Feeling shitty and pissed off ?? Nothing wrong with that. Quite normal actually. That is what I like, when you are pissed you just come out and say it. Just like real life. Looking forward to the masterpiece that may result from your gloom !!!

  • june says:

    Poor P, hope you soon feel better. Thats the trouble with being a plankton isnt it, you have to cope with the whatever alone.

    I ve been feeling down too,think its the after christmas flatness, How strange it is, everyone rallys around making sure you not alone at christmas, they forget all the other weekends you will be alone. You know i said id accepted the being alone P, well its lasted about 2 weeks, i havent accepted it, i sat and had a weep tonight thinking god ill always bloody be alone,and can i cope with it.

    So forget the smiling an d waving P you dont have to do any of that, we all commiserate with you, We can only hope we can all find the resources to cope with our planktoness in 2012, and maybe, just maybe, at this time next year at least a few of us,if not all, willl be planktons no longer. Hope sadly is all we have.

    • The Plankton says:

      Dear June, Thank you for this. I hope you are feeling a little better now? I am going to bed and to call a close member of my family who is abroad, to read my book, and thank God, to sleep. Night night. Px

  • Jo-Jo says:

    Thinking of you………sounds like you are going through tough times, tougher than ever, you have many friends out here in ‘cyber-land’ and we all wish you well……((((hugs)))))

  • Dawn says:

    Never mind smiling and waving. Stomp and curse. Get it out. And then tomorrow will look sunnier. Hope so, anyway. Shitty days. We all have ’em.

    @ Rosie – Proper raging, stark-staring, box-of-frogs mad? I’m at 15 years and counting and still sane. *wibble*

  • EmGee says:

    I have no idea what this post is about, except there is a possibly a serious recurring family trouble that has cropped up? Not that we need to know, and I understand your impulse to let us know why you haven’t regaled us with new Plankton-isms, but I find always really annoying when someone feels compelled to make excuses, and at the same time in both an overly dramatic and obfuscating fashion.

    Sorry Ms P, please don’t take offense, but a simple post to the effect of “family comes first, and I will rejoin the conversation soon” would do just fine.

    I hope that whatever it is that has caused you so much distress will blow on through without causing you and those close to you further hurt. Take care. ❤

  • Sarah says:

    Whenever I feel “hurt and angry and sick” it is usually as a result of my ex-h’s actions; only he gets to me in that way, so I understand your feelings (even if they aren’t due to your ex-h although I suspect they are). I remember on one occasion beating my pillow up and shouting expletives at it my frustration and anger was so intense.

    I hope you are feeling better about things today and can put the negative stuff behind you. Sharing the frustration even without specifics helps, I think.

    Anyway, you know you have a sympathetic audience here no matter what.

  • Twinkletoes says:

    Sending a belated hug to you, P. I had a bad night’s sleep and am suffering for it today, so am not really up to writing coherently. Just wanted to say that all the crap does pass in time.

    I’ve been on my own a long time now, have relatives who aren’t worthy of being called family, so I get to spend every bank holiday alone, and every other weekend, not just Chrismas. I haven’t turned into a box of frogs yet (love that term), and I’m appreciating the things I can do alone. So for those who hate it, big hugs to you too. In fact, big hugs to all. Sorry for the incoherent rambling!

    • The Plankton says:

      No need to apologise! Thank you for writing when you are not really feeling up to it. I am aiming to write something before it gets dark, but may not manage quite so soon, though I will at some point before the witching hour. Apologies to all! Px

  • AJ says:

    Hope whatever it is P, will be resolved without too much upset for you (or any of your family). Hope you can talk it through with someone close.

    Sorry I haven’t been posting for the last week or so, I’ve had a bad few days myself, feeling down about a few things.

    AJ x

  • Jo says:

    Oh dear P. So sorry. No platitudes. Just a tidal wave of sympathy for you and whatever has caused you this distress. (Understandably private).
    And a warm, enveloping hug. Please don’t smile and wave tomorrow if you don’t want to. We all have to do enough of that elsewhere and absolutely not here! x

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