My Immediate’s Response
January 10, 2012 § 42 Comments
I won’t make a habit of this because I dare say it’s cheating but I am spoilt today because someone else has done the writing, one of the loveliest and wisest people I know. My beloved family member about whom I wrote yesterday sent me this email by way of response, which I thought was well worth posting:-
“That was funny – I had just had an email from one of my girlfriends here. She used to write a lot about being single but when I first came to live here I matchmade her with my builder and the rest is happy ever after for them.
ANYWAY, she said I was in your blog so I read it and would never recognize myself as this person who has no trouble attracting men – I’ve told you that’s only because I have no standards and live in places where single men are numerous and don’t seem to be completely revolted by a bit of extra padding. It IS true about the not minding (most of the time) but it’s not true about the power – when I’m with them I get all needy and pathetic and critical, which is why I have to stop before I turn into a complete bitch and make them dump me. I totally get the power thing, but I think it comes funnily enough from not having a stake in the outcome – ie. that somehow they know I’m going to like them and be on their side whether they come through as boyfriends or not – rather than being confident in any other way. Think about how you feel about your many men friends that you adore without caring whether they fancy you or not. Think about how they respond to you. I believe that’s the key, or one of them.
What brings me relief from feeling like a social misfit is the conscious determination not to sacrifice the years I have left to pining for how things SHOULD be before I can be happy (remember when we were younger about the life-is-not-a-dress-rehearsal conversations?) – it’s bad enough doing that with the things we can change but fail to change (weight and food issues being the obvious one there) but completely pointless when it’s something we have no power over, as you expressed well today. I just refuse to waste time being unhappy about that OR (another big time waster) trying to make things happen and thereby setting myself up to be disappointed. It’s TRUE you have no power over it – it’s NOT true that it has to make you unhappy. Thereby lies the power and/or peace of mind and/or contentment with life as it is. That and in loving the many, many people we do have to love – I think you and I take our huge circles of love and intimacy for granted the way other people take wealth or beauty for granted [Plankton here: No, I promise I don’t!] – without truly realizing that a fuck of a lot of people don’t have that. Blah blah blah – I could go on and on but you’ve heard it all before.
As far as sustaining a relationship, or even attracting someone in the first place, those are whole other issues. Yes, luck and random factors such as timing have a lot to do with it, but also I am convinced that some people can do relationships and some can’t – nothing to do with whether they can attract people in the first place and not nearly as much to do with being nice or good or interesting as one would expect, which explains a lot of the mystifying stuff about how people that seem to you and me to be totally unattractive end up in relationships and others who seem utterly desirable don’t. I know I am crap at relationships. As far as attracting someone, I have NEVER assumed a new person will just come along (you know I’m not that confident) but I DO see being single as the door being open as opposed to the arid desert, and that probably makes a difference, you are right. xxx”