January 23, 2012 § 46 Comments
Sometimes I think that rather than being miserable during the shit times, we should in fact be extravagantly cheerful.
Everything in my life today seems as though it is shit and I feel literally sick. Emotional nausea. Fascinated by it as it feels so powerful but I can’t quite locate it. Popular opinion has it lurking in the stomach but I am not so sure. It feels to me, more, like a thickness in my throat. Anyway, that’s an aside: I wish I knew where nausea actually is? I feel it often enough.
Financially fucked (bad news layering upon more bad news on that score; I need so very little and can’t seem to manage to generate even that); tussles with a badly-behaving Immediate that I find dispiriting and depressing and even frightening; hostility from a former Immediate; less than nothing in terms of a twinkle, not even a twinkle that can only be detected on the world’s most powerful telescope but has been proven nonetheless actually to exist.
Days like this, when things are such unmitigated shit and slitting the wrists is the only logical solution, I have made it my business to turn things inside out and opt instead for the most irrational response.
I pray for more shit.
Why? Because the shittier it gets, the more likely it is that I will have hit rock bottom and the reason I so yearn to hit actual rock bottom is because presumably there is only one direction one can go from rock bottom. The sky is the limit from that particular view point, no? And that is a reason to be cheerful. Resoundingly cheerful.
Looked at like that, the time to feel depressed is when everything is going well, because it can’t possibly last and something has to go wrong. But it is only wretches who think like this: unhappy when they are unhappy and unhappy when they are happy. Most people, unless they are spoilt and ungrateful to a degree, when things are going well, count their lucky stars, recognise their amazing good fortune and enjoy every ounce of the moment. I think the trick is, best of both worlds, to appreciate the good times and to hail the bad ones as an indicator that more good ones are around the corner.
As I say, that is the trick. It’s not one I have mastered. But I am working on it.
So, instead of grappling for spare razor blades and job lots of paracetamol in my bathroom cupboard as my current circumstances dictate and I ought to be doing, I am instead throwing myself into thinking of imaginative ways of how I can get more work, earn more money, (the bottomless imagination of a fantasy novelist required); how to civilise the badly behaved Immediate; how to slough off the warthog image and become more attractive via whole new manifestations of myself.
The word that comes to mind is Everest. And while I don’t mean literally, obviously, I am talking about a metaphorical Everest here, remember, I am not someone who likes being outdoors much or going for a stroll to get the paper, let alone up a goddamn mountain, so I am starting from a handicap of several thousand metres below ground before I even reach its foothills.
Never mind. Step One, as I flail in shit, is To Be Cheerful, or I may just drown.
Reasons, reasons, reasons to be cheerful (NB. subtle difference from blessings which, as you well know, I already spend practically my whole my life counting!):-
I had a lovely lunch with two old friends yesterday, one I hadn’t seen for a year or so and he made me laugh so much I thought I was going to be sick and my stomach muscles are groaning today (or maybe that was the Bikram session, my second and probably last, I did on Saturday morning?)
I haven’t had my lovely latte yet today. It’s still pending.
I didn’t fancy the hero in last night’s Birdsong.
I have a day out with one of my children tomorrow.
The book I am reading is gripping.
I am seeing One Man, Two Guvnors later this week.
It’s BF’s birthday dinner next week, which promises to be full of old friends.
Gosh, carry on like this and I could begin to sound almost smug, though I hope not.
No, I promise it’s more in the spirit of cheer.
I am drowning in shit but feeling so astoundingly cheerful.