A (Male) Guest Blogger Writes…
February 2, 2012 § 51 Comments
Below is a guest blog from one of our male commentators:-
Who am I? A 40 something, divorced professional bloke,living in one of the UK’s major cities.(OK, London!). Since P started her blog, I began a relationship, but am now single again. Am contemplating plunging back into dating and the rollercoaster that it represents.
However for the first time, I’m actually feeling quite happy being single( been two years since my last serious relationship) In a strange way, I think that will make me more relaxed when I do “date” again.
The following is just a combination of my thoughts/observations.. A lot of them do chime with my fellow forty something friends , as we’ve discussed quite a few of the subjects at some length at one time or other.
General
We (men) are pretty straightforward. a lot of the games/nuances will often be lost on us.
Not too keen on being chased. Maybe its the hunter./gatherer thing? Very subtle chasing:Yes. Any more is a turn-off.
Very assertive /high powered women put a lot of men off. Sorry.
We might stare at twentysomethings in the pub or wherever, but only one of my circle of 40 something friends is within someone less than 5 years younger.
Very beautiful women are seen as unattainable. And the unwanted attention and jealousy that would come with dating one (even if we could!) would be a nightmare Far better the woman “next door”
We are not obsessed about your weight. Far from it. We love the fact you’re a 12/14. We all love curves! Twiggy/Kate Moss is NOT the ideal of any bloke I’ve met.
In a social setting,a laughing/smiling women will be approached .Those playing it cool (however attractive) won’t.
Internet dating
A simple reply to a thoughtful, well written email from someone on a website is much kinder approach than ignoring . After all, by the laws of Karma – what goes around , comes around. This doesn’t apply if the woman has stated their desirable age range to be 25-35 and you’re 55!
Don’t lie about your age. Very embarrassing for both parties when the the truth come out.
Dating
Don’t dive into bed before at least the sixth date – you find that you then get into all the sexual aspects without really getting to know someone first. All my best relationships have come when I’ve waited. This is advice that I often don’t follow – and guess what, things don’t work out.
As P said in a blog , in the early stage of a relationship , things can wither on the vine pretty quickly.Criticising someone in the early stages ain’t a good idea. That can come later!
Offering to pay on first date is a nice touch – although we should be paying IMO. After four dates and we’re still paying for everything , our enthusiasm will wane.
I’d like to try and answer any points arising….so fire away!
The Plankton 
That is a really interesting, thought provoking, useful read.
Thank you.
Thank you for your kind words(and also those from the other contributors).
Apologies for delay in replying ,work has been frantic.
“…but only one of my circle of 40 something friends is within someone less than 5 years younger…”
Within? Freudian Slip perhaps? 😉
And should it be that only one of your friends is with someone more than 5 years younger?
Sorry, don’t mean to nitpick 😮 I used to proofread as part of my job at one stage, it becomes a habit and you never stop doing it. I’m the master of typing, re-reading, sending but still missing typos myself so not being nasty with this. Appreciate a male point of view so much.
Yes I saw that too Twinkletoes. It did make me chortle. And yes, I too thought hmm. Freudian Slip!
Should’ve proof-read it better,I agree.
It certainly was a rather freudian faux-pas!
A really good perspective for us to read, consider and digest. Thank you!
I have a few questions for you…
Firstly, how do you/your friends feel about single mums?
Secondly, I firmly believe everyone over 35 has some sort of baggage; do men every consider or think about this?
Re your first point -been out with sigle mums, so I think that answers that! There is the complicating factor
of “Dad” but that can be overcome.
I absolutely agree with you about baggage(I think you acquire it when your first major relationship goes wrong, so that can be far younger than 35). Men have just as much as women.
It’s great to get the male perspective. Very useful, and very informative. Thanks!
Thanks for sharing, Male Guest, it’s really useful to get some pointers from a man’s perspective. Can I ask you a couple of questions?
You say it’s been two years since your last serious relationship. Does that mean you’ve had non-serious ones since then or been, er, celibate by choice? And if you have seen people, how/where did you meet them and who decided to call time?
What constitutes ‘being chased’, eg phoning up/emailing to ask you out (just the once!) or something a bit more hardcore?
Re not jumping into bed with someone before date six… is this because you’d think less of the women if she put out, so to speak, or is there another reason things didn’t work out?
And that’s it! ttfn.
I’ve had non-serious relationships in the last two years. Non-serious in the sense that they haven’t lasted. I am(and was) looking for a long term relationship.Am definitely NOT a “playa”.
“Being chased”.I think more hardcore. For example a string of emails /texts. Hints that you are interested are definitely appreciated though!
Date 6 – I’ve just found when I’ve got to know someone a bit better and waited, there’s been a more emotional connection.
Thanks for writing this post, Male Guest. If I could ask a question mine would be on your own feeling of being happy as a single person, do you feel that it helps that should you wish to not be single any longer you have the ability to do do? Sort of in the way someone can deal with an unpleasant employment situation when they know it is only temporary. If on the other hand, you felt being alone was going to be how you would live until the day you die, would you feel as happy about it? Or do you just not look that far ahead, live for today and let tomorrow take care of itself?
Thanks again for this opportunity for a male perspective.
I think the short answer would be “yes”.
I think I do have the opportunity not to be single. Whether that opportunity develops into a concrete relationship, is a different matter altogether.
If I felt that I was going to be single forever and a day , that would be a tough mindset to adopt.
Thanks a lot for this. It gives a great overview of how men operate – useful for all women to know, in a relationship or looking for one (or not looking for one!) Very positive, realistic, constructive, and thanks for offering to answer points arising. The cautionary note at the end about getting to know someone before sex makes a huge amount of sense – so many affairs end in tears, for everybody. Maybe many would never even start if the strayer got to ‘know’ that person before jumping into bed with them. Anyway – thanks male blogger!
oh, and one I forgot, sorry! … How would you define ‘very assertive/high powered?’ Eg, that the woman mustn’t be more intelligent than the man or if she is she has to keep it under wraps/that she earns more than the man or if not then she has a much more interesting/academic job while he does Something Boring 9 to 5?
Thanks!
I would put highpowered AND assertive. Just slightly intimidating – think Michelle Mone for example.
Have got no problem with having a relationship with someone who is very bright. I’m bright in some areas but a dunderhead in others.
As for earnings – not a problem there either.
Dear Male Guest – very interesting to get your point of view – I often think a group of women discussing men are like a group of crones bent over some Brussels Lace, bobbins clacking, working and reworking, fretting over every single little stitch in the pattern looking for hidden meanings, different interpretations etc when basically there are none. As the mother of several sons as well as several daughters I agree boys/ men are much more straightforward. One of my daughters is a doctor and she has a doctor friend currently serving in Afghanistan – apparently all the men out there wear plastic pants (well tougher than plastic I suppose) to protect their ‘bits’ – their bits rating higher than their legs if anything was blown off. Its easy to underestimate how important a man’s ‘maleness’ is to him and think they are all just interested in sex – it is sort of their prize possession.
Also curious re your definition of “assertive/high-powered.”
OK, I understand you prefer not to be “chased” (and I, for one, am only too happy not to be the pursuer) — is that synonymous with “assertive”?
As to “high powered,” do you mean a woman who earns more than you do? ranks higher than you on the corporate ladder? has a higher level of education?
Sigh. As you have gathered, I fall in the “high powered” (if not terribly “assertive”) category.
Depressing.
I hope the reply to Rosie covered this.
I am a happily married man, in a partnership with a very wonderful Mrs Standard Bearer, so my reaction to the male guest blog is from a rather theortical perspective and I am prepared to concede that the reality might be different if I was single. I am also a bit older, mid-fifties, so maybe my perspective is not the same as for one in his forties.
I certainly find myself in agreement with the curves and the similarity in age – you need to have common points of reference such as the Falklands War, Punk Rock, New Romantics, 1966 World Cup etc. However I like high-powered assertive women and count many as friends. I am sure that it is these towards whom I would gravitate. Beautiful ones even better. Ones who do the chasing – difficult to imagine a life more perfect.
So all you assertive, beautiful women out there don’t let Guest Blogger put you off the chasing.
As a postscript I have to say that I’m not too sure about this sixth date business. For we who were teenagers in the seventies that seems far too long and involved. Much better to get the sex thing out of the way early on and get to know each other thereafter. Thirty-odd years ago I met a girl at a party, shared a bottle of tequila and in accord with the mores of the time, slept together within a few hours of first meeting. We have now been married for twenty six years and I haven’t touched tequila since.
That’s just too gorgeous. But stop, please! Or you’ll get us all thinking that the best ones are indeed already taken..
IanW,
What a lucky chap you are.
Lucky, that is, not to have to find a mate amongst the rabble of assertive women desperately trying to gouge each other’s eyes out yesterday.
Have you read that carry on?
Excellent post ianw, thank you, it is nice to get a broader range of male perspectives. It just goes to prove that one man’s view is never going to be entirely the same as another’s. Let’s face it, us women on here can’t agree on everything (or anything sometimes) so there is no reason all men should be some sort of homogeneous group.
Ianw, I remember the 70s too, with nostalgia, although I suspect that in this day and age it is probably best to stick to the 6th date rule… the 70s, I fear, cannot be repeated.
Refreshing. Wonderful to have a view from the perspective of a 40+ divorced male. You have confirmed what so many men say about the things that attract them to a partner, and yet so few women who are looking for a partner believe these to be true. Weight, overt sexiness etc. Thank you. Anne
Thanks Anne
I was interested to read this. So, no bed before the sixth date – no surprise there. What I was wondering about: so when would it be alright to let him know my surname / my landline / my address?
The whole privacy issue is a tough one. Can’t think of any helpful advice apart from doing it gradually – maybe mobile phone first, as you can change that bit more easily than your landline.
This entry reeks of male chauvinism. Male blogger seems to have a real problem with women who make any kind of advances toward him, or are “high powered and aggressive”. Really? Are we still hung up on gender roles?
I personally wouldn’t want a guy who would be intimidated so easily. Even a woman’s looks is enough to scare the male blogger away (beauty is a kind of female power too). Any man so threatened by a woman’s sexuality or personality is full of insecurities. I hope for Plankton’s sake there are some men in UK who defy this stereotype, otherwise she should perhaps start looking at foreign men for some companionship.
Someone got out of bed on the wrong side!
I’ve covered most of your comments in replies to Rosie et.
As regards looks, all I said is “very beautiful women are seen as unattainable”. Just trying to be honest and reaassure folk that we’re not just waiting for a supermodel to rock up.
I am not seeing the chauvinism here, just one man’s pov and that of his mates, who very likely share his values. mores, etc. He isn’t speaking for all malekind, but that doesn’t make what he says any less valid than our collective points of view.
Thanks for guesting. Most of my questions have already been posted. I eagerly await your responses.
Thanks Emgee.
Dear male blogger
a well written piece offering lots of useful tips to all the plankton out there….I already feel a bit sorry for you having to deal with the deluge of questions you have unleashed!
A nice antidote to the cat fights of the last couple of days and look forward to your responses.
It has got a bit lively hasn’t it? Is it all this cold weather making people irritable?
I agree with much of what male blogger says, and I am 49 and single too. As for single mums – bring them on! I would probably choose one with children compatible with mine, but that caveat apart, I would much rather have someone who can empathise with my parenting issues and who has experienced the ups and downs of a serious relationship before, than a career singleton.
Chasing is an important issue. There is nothing more uncomfortable for anyone than being chased more keenly than one is feeling oneself. And few men want to be put in the position of being a rescuer – equal partnerships are much more satisfying. The trick for both sexes is to be enthusiastic without appearing desperate. A fine balance!
I loved ianw’s reply… That’s more the kind of honest male response I’m used to than Guest Male Blogger. He also is a typical male but a bit more on the conservative side, I’d say. The honesty is great, but six dates before shagging? You’re having a laugh. Although you did admit that you’ve often disregarded your own advice but I don’t believe that’s the reason those relationships didn’t work out. Please tell me you’re not some male version of a Rules girl – you sound more intelligent than that.
Hmmm. IanW is more “honest”. Surely the word is “different”. I never claimed to be speaking for the whole male gender.
Why am I having a laugh about “six dates”? Just saying in my experience when I’ve waited a bit longer, the relationship has progreesed better.
It’s not like six dates is an eternity is it?
Geoffrey, I think ‘career singleton’ is a construct dreamed up by the Daily Mail to blame every working woman over 30 for not being able to find a man – because she’s too busy having to earn a living, just like a man.
I really appreciate and take on board all that this male has to say – thankyou for writing this,Mr Honest – it confirms a lot of my ‘feelings’ about men.Yippee- I am not stick thin and I laugh and smile a lot, – I will like myself more now that i don’t have to starve myself….
Thanks Mel
ianw,
Mr Ironwood, is that you? 🙂
EmGee,
Good question.
I have two broken marriages behind me.
Why do some couples stick and others split?
I can’t face the trauma of another breakdown.
Ironwood,, IanW, bottle your marital success secrets and sell me a drop.
Hmmm. Interesting…
No – really I’m not. I think he’s US based isn’t he? I recall that his message was that the cost of divorce in the US is so high that women have effectively priced themselves out of the marriage market to high earning alpha males. And the attitude of many of my US-based Investment banking acquaintances do give this some credence. “Rent not Buy” is a common mantra amongst this class. Leaves them sexually and financially fulfilled but rather empty spiritually. Hence the “Credit Crunch”
How ghastly.
“Very beautiful women are seen as unattainable” If all men think like this then maybe the beautiful woman is very much attainable surely?! I’m considered by friends, male and female, to be very attractive yet I very rarely get asked out and have been single for almost 7 years now. I would love to be asked out rather than gawped at so please change your thinking on this one guys!!
Michelle Mone… I would have thought she’d be every blokes dream: glamorous, rich, owns her own lingerie company? Meanwhile, ex hubby looks like a pudding in a nasty suit.
God, we haven’t got a hope in hell really, have we.
Michelle Mone announced her divorce yesterday.
Now we can witness the true acid test live and in real time, how long will it be before she finds another partner. (Being Australian I know nothing of her personality but her pictures online make her look like a woman any man would be proud to have on his arm. Is her personality really so bad?)
MissM. We don’t know her. We don’t know the facts. We don’t know anything about her personality. ‘Bad’ or not.
Whatever. Divorce/ separation is painful for whoever it is.
We know nothing about her or her circumstances or – again – her ‘personality’.
As she herself has said. Splitting – for whatever reason – is painful.
I feel nothing but compassion for her. And absolutely no judgement as to her ‘personality’, or anything else.
We don’t know the facts. We should not judge.
Where can I meet you and your fellow blokes? Any of you visiting South Africa anytime soon 🙂 Must love dogs.
Gosh, that was unexpectedly really nice! Thanks for the male perspective. It isn’t often that I come across something like this, so I just had to say thanks!