My Single Friend

February 6, 2012 § 137 Comments

One friend has told me that My Single Friend is the way forward because there is something nice about a good friend promoting the candidates as opposed to the candidates promoting themselves.  “At least one thing’s for sure: they do have one friend!” she told me.  She has a point.  I have had a look on it and may look again.

But I am still not there yet with this internet dating lark.  I know this is my problem but the whole thing is so alien to me and more humiliating than I already feel.  As I Google various sites, sitting here on my own, it feels so utterly desolate and bleak.  Trawling through hundreds of little pictures of men, so many of which somehow manage to resemble sinister police mugshots.  All their studiedly jaunty descriptions of themselves.  The more I look, the more despondent I become.

I repeat: I know this is my problem and I shall just have to get over it.  But in the meantime, no one can stop me fantasising about match-makers.

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§ 137 Responses to My Single Friend

  • Not entirely certain that this will cheer you up, Ms. Plankton, but it’s worth a try- Sometimes when all seems hopeless, I enjoy watching some of those survival stories shows on television. No, I’m not some sicko, thinking to myself “gee, how cool, this guy almost got his head bitten off by a wild mountain lion when he went fishing last year, and now he’s lost an eye and an ear, and he’s got these huge painful looking scars…”

    Part of the reason that I find some of these stories to be inspiring and encouraging is that there are some situations in which all conventional thinking would tell you that the likeliest outcome will be a 0.00% chance of success, and some people still somehow find amazing inner strength and determination, and hence, these stories can then be interpreted (loosely with a bit of imagination) from survival stories into stories that are relevant to some of our day to day lives…

  • rosie says:

    P, it’s not your problem, honestly. Internet dating is a soul-sapping, spirit-sucking experience to match no other! The first time I did it and met up with someone I was so nervous I thought I was having an out-of-body experience. A tip from an old hand (old being the operative word)… when you’re sitting hunched over the computer looking at all those sad little faces peering out at you, just tell yourself that the half the world and his wife are doing exactly what you’re doing that very minute. That *kind of* helps. And wash it all down with a glass or ten of something alcoholic. That one’s a must in my opinion!

  • Jude says:

    NOW you’re talking! I’ve used My Single Friend a few times over the last couple of years and only have good things to say about it. I’ve met up with a couple of men and they look the same as their photos, seem to be the age they claim, and haven’t been weird saddos in any stretch of the imagination.
    As you say, there is something quite re-assuring that they have a ‘friend’.
    I know I’m not a regular commentator to your blog, so there’s absolutely no reason why you should listen to me, but PLEASE do take another look and sign up!
    Alternatively, don’t bother. I mean one less intelligent attractive woman over 35 just means less competition for the rest of us. Your Mr Right could be on that site right now, and it could be me going on a date with him. Just a thought…….

  • I have just read this mornings blog ‘A single Friend’ and I think I have a brilliant idea… I live in Belsize Park and you as I understand it, are in Notting Hill. Why don’t we organise a party called ‘a single friend’ (I did one years ago and it was great. The idea is we borrow a friend’s art gallery (which is what i did last time) and invite 100 single people, done by each single person bringing one or two (named in advance) making sure there are equal numbers. Everyone knows one or two single people and you have great music and great food and good wine and it works. What do you think? I wouldn’t be doing this as part of my business in case you were thinking that, but just because I think it would be a good thing to do.

    • zoe says:

      🙂 Best of all we will meet Lydia (in drag or otherwise) to finally put to bed all that speculation.

    • MissM says:

      I love that idea Charlotte, and I’d be there except for the fact that I live in Australia, which would make it a tad more than an average road trip to get there. I couldn’t supply any single males either, but have no shortage of single female friends I could bring, though since they are in Oz also, they would have the same problem with the length of the journey. But I certainly think it is a great idea for all of you in the right region.

    • MissBates says:

      “…..making sure there are equal numbers…..” <<That's the problem. EVERYONE knows 3,479 single women, and exactly one single man who is either gay or 74 years old, or both.

      • EmGee says:

        “and exactly one single man who is [either] gay…

        But at least if we each brought our gay single friends, they get matched up! Well, we have to start somewhere and everybody needs a chance! 🙂

    • The Plankton says:

      Dear Charlotte, Thank you! This sounds a great idea. But I don’t know any single men! I suppose I could rustle one up from somewhere. Px

    • ToneDeafSinger says:

      I have been very tempted to sign up to My Single Friend, then I decided to try Match Affinity and somehow I ended up signed up to 3 different dating sites, that’s the only reason why I did not sign up to My Single Friend… but if I decide to come off one of my current ones, I would certainly be interested in My Single Friend.

  • Jane says:

    Aaaaarrrgghhhhh! (Bites end off pen in total frustration) I mentioned My Single Friend on this site months ago, for the very reason, that, as your friend agrees, at least the people on there have one friend. I have looked at a lot of sites and the approach on that one is by far the best and friendliest, I think, even managing to inject a little humour.
    I realise this wouldn’t be your method of choice, you want to be set up by your friends…well clearly that ain’t working, so you have to be realistic and sort it yourself. Sad to say, that this, as with a lot of other things is something that you can’t just mill around and hope that something happens. As I have spent my childrens life telling them (and I truly believe) no-one is going to knock on your door and offer you anything, if you want it, you have to go out there and make it happen. And when it’s shitty and you feel like you can’t go on, you have to dust yourself off and get up and do it all again. You were musing a few days ago about the way when you were younger you didn’t make the most of your opportunities …do you not think that maybe you are a little guilty of this now, do you want to look back when you are in your 50’s or 60’s or beyond and think ‘oh damn, I actually had a lot going for me in my 40’s’ shame I didn’t make more of it. Get out there and grab life by the throat, while you still can!
    BTW- did anyone see Desperate Housewives last night, the wonderful Lynette found herself back on the ‘available’ list and went to a bar with a friend. She walked in and said ‘oh and I am the same age as the people here…. the combined age of all of them’ and haven’t we all been there!

    • The Plankton says:

      Jane, I apologise. I do vaguely remember My Single Friend being mentioned a while back. I guess I wasn’t, then, so predisposed to such suggestions… Apologies for not having acknowledged it at the time. Px

      • Margaux says:

        P – your post particularly chimed as I have felt that way too – I am still a hesitant internet dater wavering & teetering at the edge of it all (and calling it ‘research’ !)
        But internet dating has become so common place and normal now – the stats bear this out – that, as you say, any notion of humiliation is all in one’s head.

        Mysinglefriend is an interesting one : I had 3 different friends write a profile for me and didn’t recognise myself in any of them! I came to the conclusion that I either had multiple personalities or, as I have said before, none of us can see ourselves clearly.

        I even contemplated posing as a ‘friend’ and, figuring I knew myself best, writing my own! How’s that for control freakery! :

      • Jo says:

        Hi P. I had a look at MSF ( not for me, obviously, but sort of on your behalf! ) and I must say, it looked quite interesting. Definitely a fascinating approach.

  • Patricia says:

    Charlotte I too have thought of this idea – I’m game! Just experienced an internet dating mishap this weekend, not my first experience of this kind of match-making and I don’t want to give up, but…..we emailed for just over a week and it was really exciting. A very witty clever and literary male, lots of hilarious email banter. I was feeling quite upbeat all week, and then we met. In a coffee shop. He was physically everything he said he was……but nothing like my imagination had created, I knew immediately there was no chemistry. He was still quite funny but sad too as he told me his stories, and we chatted for ages and then he asked…..”Why not miss the train and stay overnight?” I felt SO disappointed…..& remembered the wise 6th date comment. Thank God.

    • MissM says:

      I was all hyped up just reading your post Patricia, and to have him suggest that at the end, oh dear, that was disappointing. Don’t let that put you off entirely though, at some point you could get someone that is just right for you, and nothing ventured nothing gained as they say.

    • The Plankton says:

      Oh, I am so sorry! Grrrr! But good for you and I am so glad this forum was actively helpful! Px

    • June says:

      Yes Patrica, that was a bit simllar to my experience last summer, on POF, not many contacts, then suddently out of blue, one who seemed right, was younger than me, said that didnt bother him, we messaged backwards and forwards, seem to get on, i got my hopes up like you we had banter, we even discovered his mothers family came from my home village. We met and like your date he was perfectly presentable but nothing like the kind of person my imagination had created, but we chatted bout 2 hours, seem to get on ok, but parted with kiss on cheek but no further meetings planned but i thought he will contact again, ill certainly give it a go. He didnt contact, i did and was told we talked ok, but he wanted a “lover”. Well at least yours had the guts to tell you on the date., but like you i felt so disappointed, in spite of what he seemed, that was all he wanted. And yes Rule 6 sprang to mind, do any men follow that do you think.!

      Yes P i think it feels alien to me and i think that has always been the trouble and when things like above happen, im gettting to stage where dusting myself down and picking myself up again is all too much for me. Did take Fis advice and look at dating sites specifically for older people, started on one, seemed very american in concept, which always puts me off, says free to contact,then after you actually do all your profile,starts popping up with to contact people details, about how to use your credit card on it to pay, you sign up and what happens, no damm contacts. . Why cant they give you a week say free to at least see whats available in the area you want,because from past experience of my area, very little.Ive quite frankly wasted enough money on them. My special friend, not sure which friend i could get to fill mine in, but i bet in my neck of woods there would be very few canidates on that, wonder how much that costs,i will investigate, but Sarah Beeney has never struck me as a particularly emphatic person and i would again possibly think more attuned to the under 50s, am i rigjht.?

      • Dawn says:

        I think the reason they lead you to believe it’s free with lots of contacts, then ask for money and only then do you get the reveal that there are no contacts for you is because there ARE no contacts and a week’s free viewing would tell you that, at which point you’d leave without giving them any money. They’re in it to make money off us, not match us up.

      • The Plankton says:

        Do you think that’s the case with ALL of them, including My Single Friend? If so, even more depressing than I already thought! xx

      • Dawn says:

        That last comment wasn’t meant to sound as snippy as it looks in text. But I do believe we’re at cross purposes with the dating sites. If we find a match they get no more money from us.

      • ToneDeafSinger says:

        Well I have to say I disagree. Some websites like Match or e-Harmony have millions of people on them, obviously it depends on your own character and how choosy you are.

      • Joules says:

        Dear June and Dawn

        The site my friends registered me on was the Senior dating site – god how I hate being a senior – not nearly as much fun as the last year of high school. There do seem to be guys in my neck of the woods however. I am conversing with one (that actually my friends chose – due to common interests – lets face it I am not that great at making choices regarding love so maybe try one they liked for a change) and will meet up with him in the next week or so when my schedule frees up enough to actually contemplate the stress that this will cause me. (I know that you should meet up quickly but believe me that I am very busy right now with work – only get to read this blog every day or so and have not commented for ages.)

        I think that we need to think of these dating sites like the lottery – the way that lotteries work is that not that many people have to win that often – they just need to win big so that it changes their life – in order for all the rest of us suckers to pay our money. And dating would be like this – if we found someone to spend the rest of our lives with it would be be like hitting a jackpot.

      • MissM says:

        Spot on there Joules, we look at the few winners from online dating and want that so much we are willing to play no matter how bad the odds. Having said that I will never hand over any money to any sites that wont show me what is available before I give them my credit card details. I figure the reason they don’t show me what is on offer is precisely because they have nothing to offer, but once they have my money that is no longer of any concern to them.

        There is a certain amount of cross purposes going on when you consider that if you find a match and leave, the site no longer gets your money, but at the same time, your success might mean that you get more of your friends to join via word of mouth. I don’t think sites have a lot of control over what is on offer though, they only offer a service to the people who exist in the real world, and if there are less single men of a certain age they can’t just up the supply by increasing production numbers at a manufacturing plant somewhere (unfortunately).

    • Jo says:

      Sorry to hear your story Patricia. I suggest that, if there is a next time, that you spend a good amount of time speaking on the phone after all the emailing. V. important.
      Rosie and MissM are right too.

  • rosie says:

    Ditto to the single females and no males, no surprise there then.

    Patricia, sorry to hear your internet date wasn’t up to much. Did you speak to him on the phone first? I once had a date with a bloke who was Woody Allen, on screen at least, but turned out to have the personality of a lamppost – an unlit one – when I met him in person. In fact, he was so awful (in the first 10 minutes I’d heard all about his horrible childhood and how much he hated his job and when I asked permission to speak he told me it ‘probably wouldn’t be very interesting’) I ended up walking out of the pub, the one and only time I’ve done that. Horrid. If I’d spoken to him first the alarm bells would hopefully have rung.

    • MissM says:

      I was just having a good laugh at the lamppost being unlit comment ( I am so going to use that sometime) but almost immediately I was completely horrified to read that Mr Unlit Lamppost actually declared that anything you would have to say ‘probably wouldn’t be very interesting’. Wow, he managed to be boring and rude, what a combination. Evidently he thought he was fascinating.

  • rosie says:

    But then again the best date I had (the one I messed up) I didn’t speak to first, hardly even emailed in fact, so that advice is rubbish!

  • anniebub says:

    It struck me too, that perhaps we, your internet friends, could help out! It would be fun to meet anyway and it wouldn’t be exactly cold turkey. Would have to wrack my brains to come up with lovely suitable single dinner guests, but maybe someone else could produce someone and have a go. I will think on it. Just a thought… x

  • Patricia says:

    No I didn’t speak to him first! I think maybe that was because of the fantasy bubble I had built up and was reluctant to have it burst before I actually met him. But I so agree with nothing ventured nothing gained MissM, guess I will keep trying – and thanks to this blog I feel comforted in my Planktonhood. I’ve actually recently returned from Sydney so MissM, perhaps we could create that party you’re suggesting when I’m next there – but like you & P I only know single females!Aagh!

  • nope says:

    No offense, but it’s been a whole year and you’re still single? I haven’t followed your blog at all, I just followed a link from google and decided to check it out but that was dated a year ago!

    Maybe you don’t really want a relationship, or have low self esteem, or unrealistic expectations because this has gone on too long. I’m glad you’re trying at least with the internet dating but to be honest that is probably the worst way to find relationships… and you already know that. A lot of people on dating sites are there for a reason and reek of desperation.

    If you’re going to use the internet to get laid, try a more roundabout way. Find a local forum about a topic that interests you and get involved. Maybe do some charity work, like a fundraising walk or maybe cleaning up a beach park. You like books, so join a local book club. If you have no social hobbies, get one. Expand your world! The best thing would be to actually leave your comfort zone and go meet people in neutral territory. Get to know people without the pressure or obligation of romance. Plus people like people who are self possessed and unafraid to pursue goals outside of themselves.

    • fi says:

      I like this. Sensible advice. 😀

      • fi says:

        Well I liked the idea of using the internet to find something one is interested in and waiting to see if it led to meeting more people. But I suppose I would really as that’s what I said before.

      • EmGee says:

        @ fi:
        😀 I see what you did there!

        @ nope:
        “If you’re going to use the internet to get laid,…”
        Trust us when we say, just ‘getting laid’ isn’t the problem. There. I just saved you from having to read 6+ months o posts and comments. 🙂

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you for this. I can tell you are a novice when it comes to this blog. For a start, it hasn’t been going for a year (I began it on 2 July), and I think a closer reading, if you can be arsed, would make you see that your comment, even if no offense was intended, is nonetheless, rather misplaced. I wonder if my more regular commentators would agree with me?

      • Patricia says:

        I agree and nope – keep your unwanted thoughts to yourself. Enough said.

      • The Plankton says:

        Thank you, Patricia xx

      • MissBates says:

        It would appear that the commenter in question has not read your posts with any great attention, and/or is seriously out of touch with the Plankton world in general (lucky him/her!), where a mere year of middle-aged singledom is but the blink of an eye….

      • The Plankton says:

        Quite! My thoughts entirely! pxx

      • Jo says:

        I totally agree with you P.
        Nope. To come to this blog, having – in your words – ‘never followed it at all’ and then to make all manner of ill – informed views about P and this blog, is downright ridiculous. How wrong you are!
        Maybe if you can be bothered to read through the whole thing from the start, you will see that many of your views about P etc are totally misguided.
        You said ‘no offence’ (well actually you said ‘defense’, which like the rest of what you write, is an error,) but you’re wrong there. It was – in the absence of any of the historic blogs and past commentary – very offensive.

      • Jo says:

        I meant of course, that you wrote ‘offense’ when it should be ‘offence’.
        Lastly, nope. Get your facts right and up to speed before you wade in with stupid remarks.

    • MissM says:

      Maybe in stead of ‘checking out’ the blog you could try actually reading it and perhaps you will see that you have missed a lot of rather crucial points.

      I agree with P that you have made a totally misplaced comment, which you would know had you read the blog.

      A year being single being too long (do I laugh or cry here?) is probably a valid point if you are under 21. Using the internet ‘to get laid’, I gather you are male then, since I still haven’t met a woman who is using the internet with the aim of getting laid.

    • paolo says:

      So, let’s see if I understand. You “haven’t followed” this blog “at all,” but you’re still not the least bit hesitant to chime in with your two cents worth of insight that Ms. P has low self-esteem, doesn’t really want a relationship (i.e., just wants to get laid), and needs to “expand’ her world.

      Really? If you had bothered to read even a few weeks worth of blogs, you’d already know that none of these things are true about her.

      Congratulations: You have just made a complete fool of yourself.

  • MsHaversham to be says:

    P, I tried Internet dating and it can be successful. I approached it with the attitude that I didn’t expect to meet the love of my life but just go out on a few dates and do something as opposed to being at home alone. I met some bores, those who string you along and, unexpectedly, the love of my life. Alas it didn’t work out but I did meet someone within a month or two of joining (Match).

    I will openly admit there are some freaks but if you don’t have high expectations you could be surprised. A (real not urban myth) friend married a man she met online in November. I wouldn’t do it again but that’s because I can’t go through the dull dates, rejection/him not calling again (oh do I have issues) but I’m glad I tried.

    Btw Miss M- you may be single but Manly and Bondi provide great eye candy opportunities. I was there recently and wow are they pretty on those beaches!! I was tempted to fake drowning to catch a lifeguard.

  • V says:

    I don’t know where you live but Daunt in Belsize Park runs a walking book club on Hamsptead Heath and there is one coming up for the 26th of this month. Check it out Plankton!

  • rosie says:

    I was going to comment on nope’s post but couldn’t be arsed. Sounds like he’s (‘a whole year and you’re still single’… it’s got to be a he?) bored and just thought he’d do a bit of light trolling.

  • June says:

    Dawn i think you are right re the dating websites, when i was on match, as a [paid up ,member i did mention this several times, why do they accept women over 60 when men rarely want us, and they replied suggesting i ignored the ages men mentioned they want, and contacted them,to show interest. I tried this with a few but as ive said my area is very limited for any choice anyway, most ignored me, but two in their 50s, got back to me b ut only to say i was too old for them!, What made it worse they both looked older than me. a real confidence booster – not. I also mentioned when there were so few men available in my area why did they not tell you that it would be difficult to meet anyone. I didnt get a proper answer to that, just how you cant be too precise about where you want, or it will restrict who you meet, Well yes but how far do they expect you to go to meet someone, i had one from Holland, a teeny bit too far i felt.

    Yes P i do agree with you about Nope you have no problem with your self esteen, in fact from what i can see, none of us have, They also seem bit out with many other points regarding you, A book club i believe you do belong to, this is something i have thought of but there actually isnt one in my city. And a good friend of my age, who lives in a large town about 30 miles away from me belongs to one, she is happily married, but she says would be a waste of time if she wasnt, as its all females older than herself who after discussing the book go staraight home, she sometimes feel decades younger!

  • tvmunson says:

    When I originally began writing over here, I never thought this site would have any relelvance beyond a few comments I would idly read and just as idly make. Last week I was diagnosed with metastisized liver cancer; the primary source has not been identified. It appears quite likely that my wife who is 54 will be in the not too distance future a widow. I realize, from what many of you have said, that once she recovers from the grieving process she faces a formidable task in acquiring a new companion. And I want her to very badly. I want someone to be with her and comfort her as I have been comforted, I want her to be in love, I want other chapters for her. I do not think the “food chain” is much different in the Pacific Northwest than it is in England. It doesn’t seem fair that someone who was so true to her troth, who kept the vow ” ’til death do us part”, should be alone. But fair is where you have cotton candy, popcorn and rides, not supplied in real life.

    • Joules says:

      Dear tvmunson

      I am so sorry about your news – we were missing your input here. The important thing to do is to make sure it takes a long time for her to be a widow. I have had too many friends in similar situations – some have fought and won and are still with us. You are in my thoughts.

    • fi says:

      I’m really sorry to hear that. Best wishes to you both

    • June says:

      Very sorry to hear your news tvmunson, but lets hope this does not happen to your wife for a very long time, so much can be done now.

      Strangely on this theme i was last evening talking on the phone to an old friend whose husband had just died of a long term inherited illness, she had time to prepare, has kids, has grandchilden, but she said to me when you close the door june thats just you isnt it, thats the hard part.And yes it is. Another old friend has just lost her husband very suddenly of a stroke abroad, when she was at home, so unexpected, she had a messy divorce, remarried and now this, I feel for her so she hated being alone when her divorce happened and she was 15 years younger and her kids were still at home. But people have always been alone, why now does it seem much worse now. Is it because people have beome more insular now, we expect more from life, i dont know, maybe because we originated from the tribe, being alone is an alien concept, there no longer is any tribe to protect us if alone. , Sadly modern life, smaller families, divorce, the fact we all move around and no longer have that extended family has changed things, not always for the better, but its what we have now there is no going back and what is the answer.

    • MissM says:

      So sorry to hear that piece of news, and you are right about the only fair in real life being the one where there is cotton candy, popcorn and rides. I do hope your cancer progresses as slowly as possible, that whatever treatment you get works well, and that you and your wife can still have a long time together yet. You have my best wishes.

    • paolo says:

      You wrote, “I realize, from what many of you have said, that once she recovers from the grieving process she faces a formidable task in acquiring a new companion. And I want her to very badly. I want someone to be with her and comfort her as I have been comforted, I want her to be in love, I want other chapters for her.”

      I am so profoundly moved by these sentences. This is what real love is all about. So many people, finding themselves in the same situation as you are finding yourself in right now, would think only of themselves, and not of the future welfare of their partner. Assuming that your medical news is as bad as you say — and it may not be (I’ve known several people who have been faced with a similar prognoses and are still alive and kicking many many years later) — telling your wife that you hope she will find love again is one of the greatest gifts you can give her. It speaks volumes about how much you love her.

      .

    • Jo says:

      So very sorry to hear this news tvmunson. You and your wife have my very best wishes.

    • tvmunson says:

      Thank you all for your kind words.You must be superior people to comment so generously. June’s question is a good one; in a unexpected, perhaps even perverse way, our modern life which is calculated to make as many of us as comfortable as possible has also made it more anomic than it has ever been. Just take leisure, for one example. When people had only radio, you’d see them joined, maybe in some solitary pursuits such as reading, but still together listening. Then television, more absorbing by more than half, but still people were clustered much like in a movie with at least a modicum of communal interaction. Now computers, internet, hand held devices that make it possible to be isolated in your own world even when out with friends! I notice this at social functions that are our generation’s equivalent of cocktail parties.Our generation has some vestiges of the social graces necessary to make polite conversation with strangers (at least middle class people) but I notice the younger ones have much more of a struggle. It seems it’s easier to “stay connected” than to “connect” thses days, and the devices which facilitate the former undercut, significantly, the faculties which contribute to the latter.

    • EmGee says:

      I am very sorry to hear about your diagnosis, both for you and your wife. I wish you both the best possible outcome. That you care so much for your wife’s welfare above your own is very touching.

      • Jo says:

        Tvmunson. I’m sure your wife is proud of you. As I am feeling of you.
        In your selflessness, thoughts and generosity towards her at this awful time, you reveal yourself to be a partner of the highest order.
        For what it’s worth, I salute you.

      • Jo says:

        Sorry tvmunson. I must withdraw my ‘I’m feeling proud of you’ etc etc etc comment. In the light of your very recent words on theprivateman blog, which have come to light and which I have now read for myself. I retract that particular comment of mine.
        The best wishes for your health and your wife remain.

    • zoe says:

      tvmunson, I am very sorry to hear your news. The internet is extraordinary in that it connects us to total strangers who, despite the fact that they remain strangers, somehow come to matter to us.

      As you have already had so many well wishes from this blog, I hope you will forgive me if I make a break with convention that others have so carefully observed.

      You say: “I realize, from what many of you have said, that once she recovers from the grieving process she faces a formidable task in acquiring a new companion.”

      The Privateman, the blog to which you frequently contribute, agrees. At the end of January, it addressed 53 year old Liz Jones who had admitted in print that she is still looking for love in the following way:

      “You’ve hit the wall. Your value in the sexual marketplace (SMP) is in the bargain basement, damaged goods section of the store.”

      I know you are aware of this, because you too in the comments section explained to Liz Jones that she was only good for a “mercy-fuck”. Why? Because she was over 50.

      “Men want nice pussy, and that means young pussy, and yours ain’t and no surgery will make it thus. NONE”.

      You wrote this 14 days ago.

      We must hope, if it does come to your wife being on her own, that the attitudes your wife encounters will be less riven with hatred and spite than those of the people you have been hanging out with on the internet.

      The wrong moment to press the point, perhaps. If so, I am sorry. But somehow I think you will understand. I think this stuff matters. We create the society we live in by what we say as much as by what we do. The glee taken in every opportunity to put women down for being older and undesirable creates a disabling atmosphere in which your wife may have to make her way on her own – in which, indeed, we all have to make our way.

      I do wish you well, tvmunson. Yours is a brilliant, unique and engaging voice. It’s never predictable and is likely to surprise with its trueness of feeling as much as its searing invective. I still recall you describing intimacy in terms of the incremental permissions lovers allow each other. It was the best I’ve ever heard.

      And so it is that I find myself wishing that you will rally to come back and be perfectly awful to us all again..

      Good luck.

      • Dawn says:

        Hard to believe those comments were written by the same guy. But there they are in black and white.

        http://theprivateman.wordpress.com/2012/01/23/i-might-date-liz-jones/#comments

        Perhaps all of us women over 50 should just hop onto the nearest ice floe and save mankind the horror we represent.

      • Jo says:

        It’s 5am and I’m up early for work.
        Fi and Dawn. I decided to check out tvmunson’s words written 14 days ago in that blog.
        Until now I’ve avoided theprivateman blog. Because I didn’t want to waste time reading vile invective and had got a measure of it from what had been reproduced here for us to read and also from the input here from its various nasty commentators.
        But I decided to check out the reference mentioned here about tvmunson’s recent comment therein.
        I feel bloody sick. And foolish.
        Here it is. Read on.
        ‘I read your article; I took it be, at least in part, “tongue in cheek”. Well, my dear, unless you want that to be the only tongue probing YOUR cheeks, you better listen to your Uncle Tom. Now. And learn. Fast.
        You yourself have identified the problem, or the majority of it. It’s the journalstic equivalent of creating a back fire. You think by identifying it yourself, to some extent exploring it, you disarm your readership and thus can continue more or less in the same vein as regards your actual, personal life. And it is probably true; you have disarmed them. Not me; I am not only NOT disarmed I am annoyed at your rhetorical device.
        The problem? “Pefectionism”. Only coming from you you make it sound like a virtue; it is not. And it isn’t perfectionsim it’s narcissism. Recall that couple you mention, the perfect one, having everything you have plus one-youth ( and I suppose a companion). What did the wife look like? How would you compare her to you facially? How about in a thong? Evening dress? You see Liz unless your (honest) answer is “compared to her, I’m an 8, she’s a 9″ (I said honest) you have come the crux of the issue. The type of woman who can insist on the perfectionism you describe (looks, status, money-the lot) is her-and then only for a rather narrow length of time (there are certain exceptions-Jackie O for example, but then Ari wasn’t all that in the looks dept. was he?)
        That type of woman does not exist past 50-period. Even Madonna now looks ropey, like she got left on top of a stove, melted some, and then got put back hurriedly, leaving her a stringy, not quite completely reconstituted model of her former self. And that’s Madonna-where do you stand in comparison to her? Rather like the aforemntioned young wife I should expect.
        Now listen further you dizzy bitch.Things like “success, money, power, nice things” attract WOMEN-NOT MEN! I could not give a flying tuna fish fuck if you are the most powerful woman in NY or wherever the fuck it is you live I’ll jump over you like a goddamn kangaroo to bang a hot Dairy Queen swing shift cashiier. Rose Kennedy was rich, succesful (in her fashion), had power, had access to nice things like Kenne-whateverthe fuck even if she didn’t out right own it-and I”d as soon eat a bowling ball as go down on her dried up steelwool grey Brillo pad of a cunt patch. Men want nice pussy, and that means young pussy, and yours ain’t and no surgery will make it thus. NONE. And all the accoutrement you describe would only serve to make an honest man aware that there is something akin to a bribe afoot and thus require he pop more Cialis to perform his less than inspiring magic on you.
        Now let’s really get down to it. As i said it never WAS perfectionsim-it was narcissism. The
        man” you describe was no more than a spear carrier in your little opera, a thing that filled out your lifestyle (when I hear that word I reach for my revolver -Goebbels), to go along with your purse and your people-crushing SUV. Real men like to watch football, sports-real women, or rather real lovers, make allowances. What you look down your (probably reconstructed) nose at is the simple tranquility of an average married people. Admit that much Liz. You’re not just better than the men in your lives-your better than everyone, like all you elitists believe. Right? Or is there still a part of you unready to make that leap to the truth?
        Well here’s some truth for you Liz. It is not about “settling for less”-it’s about defining what is ESSENTIAL, making that your focus. prioritizing EVERYTHING and goddamnit Lis I mean EVERTYHING ELSE in relation to it. It’s called growing up. You never did that; I doubt you ever could and, frankly, doubt you ever will. I can just picture you walikng out of that couple’s house and saying what you said-because it’s all surface to you Liz, all of it. Say it with me-surface.

        And if you’re only going to play on the surface well, Liz, my dear, be ready to pay the price when that surface ages, as it must, and withers, as it shall, and finally crumbles, as it will.
        BTW privateman has been generous, as I have not been. He is an actual living breathing male, with all the limits, peccadilloes, small, simple pleasures that entails-the kind of man (and person) you don’t take account of as the headwaiter slides you by to a table he (and people like me) had to wait over an hour to get-you, less than a minute. I’d look into his proposal were I you.
        Or do what I hope you do and in fact know you will. Stay exactly as you are. I gauge that right now you’re probably at “Liz Jones-Mercy Fuck to the Stars”. That will last for a while with a few tucks, peels, lifts, but just about the time you’re about to get a goatee (oh wait-you probably have a brazilian, yes, it would make sense, you’re not going for that steel wool Brillo pad Rose Kennedy look are you?) you’ll begin to notice that even your Designated Fucker for the night is starting to wonder just how much erectile dysfunction medicine he can consume before he strokes out-and begs off with a head (he doesn’t specify which one) ache.
        So happy trails old girl. I guess in my phillipic I neglected to spell out the advice I promised. Grow up. Seriouslly consider what you HAVE to have in a man-make that ESSENTIAL (see above). May I suggest something? IF you find one that you know in your heart loves you and will forsake all others for you, grab him. That’s it. Tom Synder once remarked that dating/romance before 40 was all “Me Tarzan, You Jane”, but that after 40 it is, or should be, “we’re going to die anyway; we might as well love each other.” Grab him, learn to love him if you have to, and even if all you can offer is a form of intimate affection do so if he loves you , needs you, wants you. Keep him, to have and to hold.
        Even if he watches football with the shades drawn.
        guardedly
        Uncle Tom
        P. S. Should you be tempted to respond, be advised that my brief reference to your Ted Kenndey-like driving skills was only the barest tip of a very large iceburg and if you elevate me by so responding I would unload upon you such as you have never never in your privileged life been unloaded upon and in manner that will have your friends, and more importantly your enemies, quoting me to your very death bed. Challenged? Oh I hope so Lz I hope so; like the Devil said to Father Karras- “it will bring us together”. ( William Blatty’s “The Exorcist”)’ .

      • Jo says:

        Apologies. Meant zoe and dawn. Sorry Fi. x

      • fi says:

        🙂 you didn’t comment last time we did discuss tv munsons comments – think you were away? – but he got pretty extreme around women’s bodies decomposing in coffins.

      • fi says:

        And after that nothing he has said before or since sounds that bad…

      • Jo says:

        Fi. yes. I was away for a while and obviously missed all that even grimmer stuff.
        As I said to him, I’m sorry about his news and send best wishes to them both.
        But that’s it.
        Ugh..

      • fi says:

        Zoe – you are a really interesting and insightful woman.

  • Caz says:

    ….great post P – just a note of caution re alcohol….my daughter signed me up ages ago on msf after a couple of glasses of wine…put in my d.o.b – and instead of taking off 3 yrs she added them! that was soo embarrassing.
    It’s always put me off as you have to add a photo……and as there aren’t that many in my county I would hate friends to see me so deleted profile. However – it does seem one of the more “caring” dating sites.
    But hey – I’m going to London this w/e with a guy I’ve been seeing for quite a while but still not sure about…. so hoping to wander around Portobello and feel chilled and happy – fingers crossed!

  • Margaux says:

    Dear Tvmunson ( Tom)

    When I saw your name come up as I scrolled down this blog I thought – aha! Tv is back for some more sparring!

    I cannot tell you what a shock it was to read your news.
    Rage, rage as you do so well & kick the big C in the a** as it deserves

    Prayers, thoughts & best wishes to you and your wife & family from this side of the Pond
    M

    • Jo says:

      Margaux. I must confess I thought the same. But life astonishes us all.
      I did not expect to read what followed. Shocking, profoundly moving and humbling.
      Yes. Rage rage against the dying of the light tvmunson. You have spirit in abundance. May it serve you well.
      You and yours are in my thoughts.

  • Margaux says:

    Indeed, Jo. I feel quite humbled too.

  • Jo says:

    Brings what really matters right down to the wire doesn’t it?
    Night night dear Margaux.

    • Jo says:

      One last thing Margaux and I’m sorry if it seems slight in the light of this news. Just interested. How did you know tvmunson’s name is Tom?

  • Margaux says:

    It really does.
    A reminder that we are all just trying to live this life and get through the best we can.
    Night night to you, too, dear Jo x

  • Jo says:

    Oh. My comment has come up before your last one!

  • Jo says:

    Sorry Margaux. Seems such a stupid question at such a sensitive time.
    It really doesn’t matter. Goodnight. x

  • Paula says:

    I don’t think it is just you that feels despondant trawling through all the “mug” shots. I also feel as if they are just out of prison or the mental asylum. Cannot find a single “normal”, whatever that might be, picture. Also what is with these guys who have no tops on, do we really want to see a semi naked body staring at us? Only if said naked bod had abs like steel and eye candy to us! Ah well back to the torture, maybe there really is a Prince amongst all the frogs.

  • tvmunson says:

    Jo

    When I wrote those remarks, I mistook her for a different Liz, the American one who crashed her car into a group of tourists years ago.My reference to Kennedy car crash (in the same area as hers) was part of my misidentification. They are both journalists. The Liz I am talking about has said a number of other things that I vaguely hint at in that piece. I vented a lot of stuff about that Liz (I can’t remember her name) thinking I was addressing that one. If you see the entire post over at private you’ll see I finally figured it out. I didn’t do an extended apology-maybe should ahve. But note it is I who tells her (the correct Liz) to forego ticking off her material wealth to attract a man, to discover what is ESSENTIAL to her, discover that in the man who seems to need her, be he bald (she wrote about that) , impecunious relative to her, may have some mildly offensive idiosyncrasies (she has mentioned some of these, not in the column private is talking about but elsewhere), all of it couched in some nastiness as I thought it was this other Liz.

    When I realized my mistake I should have written a retraction, taking out not only obvious errors (Kennedy/Chappaquidick reference for example) and taken the overall tone down several notches. THIS Liz deserved some of what I had to say, but certainly not all of it and not the way I wrote.

  • tvmunson says:

    All the elitism stuff doesn’t apply to Liz Jones for example. So much of it is nonsense and only explainable if you realize I had the wrong Liz.

    But I was wrong, and explanation should never mean exculpation. I wrote a rather cryptic “oops” after the philippic. I should have done a line by line retract, leaving what would then be a very truncated comment which would be “don’t be superficial Liz”.

    I didn’t do it; mostly ‘cuz the guys at private don’t care that much (more explanation; see above). IF I ever make that mistake again I promise I shall eat so much humble pie that I will actually crave one of your British beef & kidney ones.

  • MissBates says:

    Oh! You got the “wrong” Liz Jones! Whew! Well then, I guess we’ll just have to assume that your comments about “old pussy” vs. “young pussy” are no longer offensive. I do hope your widow’s anatomy is of sufficient quality to attract someone of a higher caliber than you, after you’ve shoved off.

  • Caz says:

    Bravo Miss Bates!

  • Patricia says:

    Indeed BRAVO MissBates! Thankyou so much for your comment – you prevented me from coming in with something far worse – amongst them, wishing his widow many brilliant Brillo nights. Hope he lives to regret his comments, he should have kept them to himself. For HER future self. Anyone read RD ‘Kiss Kiss’ ? Sometimes widowhood is better…..Sorry but you started this TV

  • rosie says:

    If you can’t take it, don’t dish it out. A simple but effective moral code, I always think.

  • Margaux says:

    When my mother had liver cancer ( diagnosed too late for any treatment other than palliative ) I said I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy…..

    I still feel that …

  • tvmunson says:

    Not the wrong Liz Jones-the wrong Liz something.

    Wow Miss Bates-quite a blast. Beware the karmic circle my dear; you’ve been so busy explaining it to me perhaps you’ve overlooked its application to you.

    I do love to hear you cackle.

  • tvmunson says:

    Miss bates, Caz & Patricia

    I can imagine you enjoying my death. I’m sure you’re all “Christians”, correct? I’m sure you put on your Sunday best, parade into Church all prim and proper, perhaps let a tear go now and then as the liturgy is given, perhaps meet the (?) vicar (?), piously proclaim your self-righteous redemption, and feel not the slightest twinge of anything as you come here and cackle over my agonizing death, a death you want to see because of my intemperate remarks, a death you hope brings misery to my wife who has never said or done anything to you,-no, in fact you’ll go to church this very Sunday prim and smug in your salvation, showing your religiosity, licking your Christian lollipop, and then come back here and again wrap yourself in satisfaction at my death. If I have “dished” something out, be quite sure I can “take” it. And do so remember the words of your Savior-I’ll not quote them to you. Enjoy yourselves m’ladies, And please do your worst. I shall be back here to give you many opportunities.

    Oh and please begin your justification of it now. Again I am being presumptuous in assuming you claim “Christianity”. Tell me how I deserve your venom, that if I had read that one of you is in my predicament I would of course behave worse than you because you see I am not a “Christian”, and that of course because you are and thus are “saved” can do as you please, not only NOT love your enemy but kick him and his family when they are as down as it possible for humans to be, and then drape the mantel of your piety over your shoulders and proclaim your troth to Almighty God.

    • zoe says:

      tvmunson, As you have in the past hoped that your prose would induce its targets to “slit their wrists”, I imagine you chose the Christianity angle for this post as you judged it your best chance of inflicting maximum damage. But my guess is you chose wrongly. In the UK, we’re a pretty ungodly lot. Can’t speak for MissBates, of course, as she comes from New York (although that city has never struck me as particularly pious either). Unlike y’all over there, we just don’t do the religious thing at all well. When Tony Blair started talking about it, we all got a bit cross with him. His press secretary had to slap him down with a “we don’t do God”. And we don’t. It’s not, as in the US, a requirement for a politician to declare his or her faith. It’s a embarrassment. Ditto for the rest of us. Only something like one in ten people claim that they attend Church with any kind of regularity in the UK and that is thought to be an overestimate. And the ones that actually do often originate from outside the UK or be engaged in the cynical exercise of trying to secure places for their kids in Church schools for the grades! Not of course that I know the particular beliefs of MissBates, Caz or Partricia – I could be wrong in these particular cases – but I reckon the chances of your having hit your mark with this one are rather low. Just can’t seem to be able to get a handle on the Brits, can you? It’s a bit like the irony thing all over again. Sorry. (But I still wish you well :-))

      • Mel says:

        I suspect that the 3 female commentators are responding more to the comments on your blog about older/younger ‘pussy’ etc etc than your health issues. Having read your comments too, I really wish I hadn’t read them.Unbelievably horrid.

  • tvmunson says:

    All the Christians I know react like rattlesnakes whenever their ego is affronted. But you my fine ladies have raised the bar beyond where even I thought it could go.

    Enjoy my death. May it comfort you immensely. Be sure to say your prayers.

  • tvmunson says:

    Patricia

    Your cackling over my death-and I’m supposed to regret MY comments?

  • tvmunson says:

    Find what you need in man, make that essential, make that your focus, find that man who you know in your hearrt loves you and will forsake all others for you-yes, I see where that would be a horrid concept for you and your ilk.

    Say all you want ladies-I have had 34 years of love and will have it right up to my dying breath. Enjoy thinking of my wife’s misery and loneliness. As for me, at least I have the gutss to be horrible. You don’t even have that. You are latrine moss, and I don’t ever contemplate getting a “handle” on you.

    I will do you this one considerable favor. I shall conitnue to be the one you can deprecate the most. It is a rather piddling contribution I recognize, but in ahting me you will be distracted (I presume (?)) from any other worries, disappointments, concerns in your lives. I have been hated by much more formidable types than you, and I doubt you can achieve let alone sustain that kind o fhatred.

    By the way following yesterday’s procedure I had an immense vomitus that included a fair amount of blood. My wife’s sreams echoed throughout the basement of the hospital (I was told this later; it knocked me out). I am sure that is an image that will resonate with you. don’t worry; I’m not about to die. I’ll have much more of this and I’ll tell you all about it, unless our editor disapproves.Think how much more we’ll have: I’ve got surgery, radiation, chemotherapy and much more besides!

    • fi says:

      Tv. Why not just leave it instead of trying to be confrontational and provocative. Focus on your wife, family, friends and looking after yourself. To be honest its a waste of your time trying to upset people here because I doubt they care enough about you to feel anything more than temporary irritation at what you say. And you aren’t familiar enough with Brits to know what to say to upset us. And most of all, you should be focussing on getting well and spending time with people who matter to you, not directing hate at a bunch of anonymous people on a website.

      • zoe says:

        Well said, Fi.

      • Margaux says:

        Absolutely. Fi is right. Try and cease the outpouring of female directed vitriol Tv, -all this hatred and anger will not help you – it will only add to the poison that’s inside you. Go concentrate on beating it and being kind to yourself. Having seen that journey up close, I know what you will be facing now and I wish you well.

        By the way, as Zoe said – Christianity is not a big cultural thing here and it is certainly not tied into our political system. If people have their beliefs they are respected but that’s more about personal choice. Church going is a much lower key affair over here.

    • RS says:

      I wonder what your wife would say about all this “brillo pad” discussion.
      How sad that you’ve reduced women – and since she is a woman, your wife (who you profess to love) – to a body part.

      I see no one here cackling over your illness. I do see that we are all beyond appalled at your vitriol and we’ve dared to call you out on it.

      I can almost excuse SOME of what you spew as the over-enthusiasm of someone who fancies himself a writer and perhaps just doesn’t know when to stop when he gets in full flow. But then I remember it wouldn’t come out if it weren’t lurking there somewhere deep in your awful soul.

  • Jo says:

    tvmunson. As you well know. Your first paragraph above, is not what was taken issue with. Please don’t reduce it, simply to that.
    I have sent my best wishes. (That is all from me.).
    I am not of the persuasion in wishing anyone ill – will or a hasty death or any unpleasantness to their spouse.
    What you wrote was disgusting.
    What others here have written re: your health and your wife is disgusting.
    What you have written subsequently is disgusting.
    The realm this is all now heading towards is thoroughly disgusting and evil.
    Would you all please now STOP IT.
    tvmunson. Free speech is free speech. And I respect that.
    But your words about giving all of us here, the unremitting details of your ‘surgery, radiation, chemotherapy and much more besides’ simply to be nasty, is not what this blog is about.
    It is with that in mind that I ask of you P, a very rare thing indeed.
    Please block this. It is purely for the nastiest of reasons and not welcome here. Imo. (Anyone else’s?).
    tvmunson. A lot of us gave you our goodwill on hearing your news.
    Surely it would be better to be thought of like that.
    With dignity.

    • The Plankton says:

      If he bangs on too much, and is too off piste and offensive, as he can so often be, then I shall trash his comments. Px

      • Jo says:

        Thank you P.
        I think – rarely – it can be for the good.
        Including for him. Might force him to focus his very precious energy on what really matters.
        And as I said. Retain his dignity.
        None of that stuff would help anybody. Least of all him.

      • Mel says:

        P – please ‘block’ him.
        He shouldn’t be given any freedom on this blog – he doesn’t belong.
        Thankyou. Makes me feel awful. For him, his wife – and me.

  • Jo says:

    When I said ‘that is all from me’. I meant, I withdrew any other positive things I said about you, after subsequently reading your privateman words. As you know.
    I’m just clarifying. Not going over that part again.

  • Caz says:

    Totally agree Jo and Fi, well said. Totally lascivious comments unnecessary – Sublety and irony is the way forward with us Brits.

  • tvmunson says:

    I retract previous-I will not write anything about that.

  • Jo says:

    I think that’s the best decision tv. For everybody.
    Good luck.

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