The Unbruised and Unbruisable as opposed to the Bruised

March 9, 2012 § 86 Comments

Long talk to Janey just now and her wisdom on every subject knows no bounds (education, marriage, children, teenagers, friendships, family, politics, life).  She is more than a member of my family and a true and proper friend; she is a guru.

She told me she had sat next to one of my former twinkles last night – not one who had twinkled at all for me, I may say, but for whom I had apparently twinkled – and he had not asked her a single question all evening (except to find out her marital status so as to discover if she was a potential or not), but had instead boasted for much of it about his success with women, even though that success was not entirely in evidence in the form of a living, breathing gorgeous pouting Result on his arm, for he was very clearly on the prowl.

Her advice was that I must never go for the unbruised or unbruisable, which is what he is and, I fear, Long Shot is too (though LS is nothing like this man; much more modest and shy and less boastful).  It is always better to give a wide berth to the bachelor who has never had to take anything but the tiniest amount of responsibility for anybody or anything other than himself, ever, and for whom emotions, let alone emotional fall-out, are as far from his ken as other-worldly happenings in science-fiction.

No, said Janey so rightly, far better the bruised who are in the process of recovering or who have actually recovered (small window, as we know, before they are snapped up but, hey, Janey currently has a couple in mind, including the one who asked for my number a while ago but who never rang just because, we reckoned – and I hoped – the timing was wrong and he was still too raw from the horrid break-up of his marriage).  We came up with two examples of (married) men we both know and love who have become much, much nicer and better people for having had a few knocks.  The arrogance and spoilt petulance of youth has given way spectacularly in both cases to modesty, compassion, empathy and humility.  The kind of Brighton rock selfishness that is worn so garishly on the sleeves of one or two bachelors we can name, completely precludes even a whiff of such qualities.

In the interests of fairness and balance, I must say that this is also true of some women as well as men.  But because I am lumbered with being marrow-bone heterosexual, it’s the men that concern me, obviously.  And it’s the men who seem, somehow – though perhaps women are just as bad, it’s just I am not seeing it in them so much – to have this bachelor ego thing going just a little bit worse?

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§ 86 Responses to The Unbruised and Unbruisable as opposed to the Bruised

  • barry says:

    I think the “Bachelor Syndrome” is as much in evidence in Women as Men P. They are to be avoided if one is seeking a partner I think …”They” do not need partners,their object of desire is seen every day… in their mirrors .

  • Oxonian says:

    Speaking as a bachelor myself (albeit a relatively young one), I must say that there is an element here of tarring everyone with the same brush. I have remained single through a mixture of liking my own company and being turned down by the rather small number of women I have really fancied. Competition for women around my age is very fierce, and to this extent I can perhaps count myself as a victim of the sexual preferences of older men to which so many of you owe your planktonhood. It is a little hard, therefore, to find that this status exposes me to accusations of arrogance, egotism, petulance etc. How would those of you who have been single a long time like it if men dismissed you on this basis, assuming that you must be selfish and set in your ways?

    Maybe Janey’s categories could be refined somewhat to acknowledge the existence of the ‘not very bruised but eminently bruisable’?

    • fi says:

      Oxonian – I’ve no idea how old you are but I guarantee that by the time you are 40 you will have women throwing themselves at you if you’re still single. Whether you would want them or not is another matter as without a doubt some of them have their own issues and might be best avoided.

      • Steve says:

        Well said Oxonian.

        Plankton’s marvellous blog is written from a female perspective and as many of her contributors are also women, you could be forgiven for thinking that all we have to do is sift through the legions of ladies falling at our feet.

        But it is a myth and you are right – competition is fierce. Internet dating is often discussed here, but unless I am much mistaken there are just as many men out there as women.

        As for the age thing – trust me, from 40 onwards, it doesn’t get any easier!

      • EmGee says:

        I totally agree with you Steve, about The Myth. I know as many nice single men as women, who are brushed aside, elbowed over, etc., and feel hey will never find true happiness in a relationship.

        From a woman’s pov, I know a nice, handsome fellow, recently divorced from a needy psycho woman, whose last girlfriend also turned out to be a needy, (not-quite-so) psycho. Both are beautiful, and I think he is (like most of us, to be honest) attracted to attractive women, but also he also feels the need to be needed. Unfortunately we are all on our best behavior early on in relationships, so what first appears to be a ‘want’, eventually reveals itself as need, clinginess and jealousy. One day I am afraid, he is going to start seeing all women that way. I wish he would try dating a less dependent woman, and discover that many of us have needs that he could fulfill without being consumed.

        Talk about bruised. When I see a man (or a woman, for that matter) post a knee jerk reaction to a comment here*, all I see is a bruised, hurt person, and I hope they recover from it – as opposed to say, registering at privateman, where they can let their grievances can fester.

        *I was shocked at one person’s harsh reaction to Rosie’s guest blog, when she ended it by questioning herself about not finding the guy with a missing tooth attractive. I found her insight quite introspective, myself.

      • fi says:

        That wasn’t rosies guest blog. It was Catherine’s

    • fi says:

      I do think there’s some truth though in the idea that if you get to 40 and you’ve never had kids or had a settled relationship with someone, you might not have acquired the skills to do it. Any skills I had I’ve now lost 🙂

  • Brigitte says:

    Sorry if this is off topic, but here’s the update on my dating website venture. The first guy I contacted (my age, francophone) turned me down gently by telling me he was meeting another from the site (I thought the idea was to meet several candidates before choosing one – hell, isn’t that standard?). I have replied to a second guy who liked my pics. He was keen on meeting and asked for a time and place. When I suggested a site to meet last night, he didn’t reply though I know he was online. I just sent him a short message asking what happened and that it’s just for coffee. My tone was friendly but confused.

    There are no doubt younger women posting on this senior site (I will be creating a fake male account to see the competition). This irks me because they have a miriad of other dating sites to populate. I thought that men on a senior site would be willing to meet middle aged women (I can’t believe this site thinks 45 is senior – 60 maybe) and am disappointed that younger women are deterring older men from seriously considering women their age. It’s very discouraging. I don’t know how many more knocks I can take. In the last several months I have had nothing but disinterest or rejection from all angles. The abundance of women available to men in this age of the internet is truly a problem of gargantuan proportions.

    • june says:

      I dont think this unusual Brigitte, 45 is old for a women in the dating game, lord knows where that leaves us over 60s, over 50s is probably stretching it. I know women of 45 convinced they will never find anyone else and a friend of 45 in a relationship which should have finished years ago, but she keeps papering over cracks as she feels she wouldnt get anyone else and she is a very attractive women who looks young for her age. We were talking about it other week her and i, and said how can it be that we look after ourselves much more than men, and on the whole look much better in middle age and older, yet we are ones to get rejected because we are too old.

      Good luck with the site, you will need it, i did have a contact on POF my age, looked younger but was 100 miles at least away, agreed too far, thats the problem anyone who is a least bit acceptable, lives too far away, and i like where i live, thats not the problem,.

    • Elle says:

      Brigitte, surely you don’t need to post a fake male account. Can you set your parameters to “man seeking women” and search for a woman of any age under 50? This should yield the results you seek. You will probably find women of 35 and upwards on the site.

      If there are women younger than 35 on it I fear for the future of mankind as children of older fathers and younger women are apparently subject to more genetic problems.

      On a plus note those sites probably weed out all the younger gold diggers leaving genuine young women for genuine young men. Every cloud has a silver lining.

  • fi says:

    I’ve slept with remarkably few men in my life – 5 – and I married 2 of them. Its not that I’m prudish, its simply that I’m choosy. I think I have difficulty with the “I want a boyfriend, any boyfriend” impression I get of what most women on here seem to want. There’s plenty of talk about what he must look like, or do for a job, or how much money he should have but NOT ONCE have I heard anybody say what sort of character they are looking for in a man. Because I’m not sure that personality actually matters. Look at all the discussion round LS who P had built up into a relationship without knowing him at all, based only on knowledge of his place in the world. The thinking seems to be that all men are interchangeable, and it doesn’t matter what one you get as long as you get one. Compatibility? Attraction (beyond teeth)? Irrelevant. Which is why there is this bizarre idea that other women can swoop in and snatch one as soon as “he’s back on the market” or its unfair that younger women are on the site for older women because they’re reducing your chances of capturing one. Doesn’t anyone look for a man that you have a particular connection with or is it really simply a case that as long as he’s got certain physical attributes, no obvious mental health problems (I’m guessing this one but no-one has said they don’t want this), any live man will do???

    • Elle says:

      Fi, that makes perfect sense but some people are better at being alone than others. I agree about the connection, but if a man is reasonable (missing teeth notwithstanding) I like to go on a few dates with him to see if there’s a connection. If there isn’t it won’t go anywhere.

      Men are very fussy about attraction and connection. Last week I met a male friend for coffee, early 40s and he had been on several internet dates and had slept with a few. He ended all dalliances because there wasn’t enough of a connection. I advised him to find out if there was a connection BEFORE sleeping with the women because women sometimes form a connection with men after they sleep with them. This was news to my friend and to be fair, he will try to tread more carefully in future.

      Regarding missing teeth – don’t be so harsh girls, sometimes this can point to a heroic career on the sports field!

    • MissM says:

      I don’t know why you say you have ‘not once’ heard anybody mention character, for in today’s post alone our dear P mentions modesty, compassion, empathy and humility as desirable traits missing from the ‘unbruised and unbruisable’, and the fact that those qualities are missing is why she wishes to avoid such types. Are not modesty, compassion, empathy and humility elements of character?

      • The Plankton says:

        Thank you, MissM! Px

      • fi says:

        Yep – P did mention today that a couple of men she knows have had a couple of knocks and become nicer people.

      • Elle says:

        Lucy, sorry to read about your experiences. I have dated many geeks and in my experience they often harbour resentment against women and can treat us far worse than the extrovert beer swilling jock types.

      • EmGee says:

        In my experience, a ‘geek’ -as diluted as the term has become- is SFAR, and I wouldn’t touch one with T Lover’s ten foot pole.

    • EmGee says:

      There’s a bit of duality at work, imho.

      It’s a bit like buying fruit at the market: we pick the piece that looks most attractive to us, but it isn’t until we get home and bite in to it, that we find out how good it is. Sometimes an ugly misshapen melon turns out to be the best we’ve ever eaten. Sometimes it’s ugly and misshapen because it’s rotten inside. A beautiful looking peach may be hard and flavorless when we cut into it.

      Similarly, we pick someone based on objective attributes: looks, interests, personality, and not until we get to know them, do we find out their compassion, modesty, conceit, etc.

      My bf is missing a couple teeth, just behind the incisors (although he’s working at getting it taken care of), so it isn’t like there is a huge gap right in front, but it’s noticeable. That wasn’t even an issue for me, but the superficiality that attracted me to him was a full head of long hair, and large brilliant blue eyes.

      He’s also a bit vain, feels ‘old and used up’ at 57, doesn’t want to feel hemmed in, totally ignores what’s going on around him when he’s deep in a project, cares about his friends and family, is generous, washes the dishes, cleans up after himself, makes me coffee in bed when I am feeling off, and is generally a good human being.

      • Lucy says:

        Well, in theory, EmGee, but in my mid 20s I decided to do what directors call “casting against type”. I’d had an unsuccessful run of relationships with rather overbearing, overconfident guys. So when my future husband made a move, I decided to give him a chance although he was what you might call a nice, geeky guy. He had lost a few teeth too!!

        Ill fitting specs, badly dressed, a combination of shy and brash BUT lots of fun, attentive and loving, and creditable as a lover. Very kind to his parents, too. Reader, I married him and he certainly did his share of cleaning, childcare etc as well as a prodigious amount of DIY. Yes, he was a terrible cook and a little introverted for me but duality and all that. A friend once said: “He’s the most politically correct man I know.”

        But one thing that seemed to clash with all this; he had an unusually persistent interest in hard core porn. I don’t mean the magazines of the 80s but stuff you got from Denmark that showed anal sex threesomes etc I dismissed this as a foible and figured that he was at least a four out of five, if not more. For many years, that is what he was; not perfect by any means, but we (I thought) were happy.

        About ten years ago we started having serious life troubles, including the long illness of a child, parental deaths, long unemployment for me, and then my increasing health problems. He seemed to take refuge in porn, but this was the internet and it was 24/7. He became addicted, and it just ramped up. Eventually he deserted me when my health took a dive, as I’ve mentioned on this blog before. It seems he had planned this a few years before, I’ve since pieced together. Now he lives in the sun on the Med (in our house that he evicted me from) while I struggle in the UK.

        This was financial and psychological abuse, as I had suspected it for some time but he kept denying it with great declarations of love. It’s called gaslighting, I now know. I’ve heard of good looking, smooth abusers. I’ve heard of cute, “bad boy” abusers. But nice, geeky abusers? No, although I know now that his long standing porn tastes probably meant he hated women from the off.

        I take the point that you shouldn’t have a shopping list for men and should look for character. But I did. Don’t ask me. That’s why I still can’t even imagine looking for anyone else.

      • MissM says:

        Wow, what an experience Lucy. I wouldn’t have seen that coming either, it is definitely not what we are taught to expect from nice geeky guys. What a blow it must be to have this happen when you had thought you were acting in a sensible and rational manner. The only way I will believe any sort of karmic justice exists is if he now suffers a horrid life for the rest of his days and that something absolutely wonderful happens to you to turn your life around for the better.

      • Twinkletoes says:

        Lucy, your story chilled me to the bone. Not least because it has similarities to me and my ex, a sociopathic control freak, who used that technique on me. I didn’t realise it was called gaslighting. I sincerely wish you all the very best xx

      • Lydia says:

        Lucy, how horrible for you. not necessarily the porn (in fact if a man isn’t into porn that’s a minus point from my point of view) but how he left when you were ill and didn’t fulfil his responsibilities.

        I don’t think that goes with being a geek. However men able to talk about their feelings are more likely to be able to resolve problems rather than just walking away from them so I put emotional intelligence pretty high on the list of required characteristics.

      • Bambi says:

        Lucy, I have read your post twice and would like to add my sympathies to the voices below. A lot of us think we have been hard done by till we read of others’ situations. I am beginning to think that I have been lucky by comparison (yes, cheating husband and all that comes with it) – your story is, indeed, a chilling one.

        I wish I could offer some words of comfort to you, but anything I would say would sound fatuous. I can only wish you the best – you deserve it.

  • rosie says:

    Brigitte, that’s why I could never do online dating again. The first time was bad enough, for many of the reasons you’ve stated, and another stint would, I think, finish me off. I’ve had the the odd perfunctory glance at various sites over the past few months and I can quite literally feel the life draining out of me and just have to go off and do something else. Some might think that an extreme reaction, but hey ho. Anyone who *enjoys* internet dating is, to my mind, stark staring mad.

    I’m speaking from personal experience again here, but I have a theory of why many women go for older men, which is this: when a woman is in her twenties, unless she looks like the back end of a bus (and don’t shout at me, I didn’t make these goddamn rules!) she can have more or less anyone she wants, young, old or otherwise.

    By her late twenties, (I was with someone in my mid twenties so a bit oblivious to it all) the rules have changed somewhat and men her own age, and those a few years older, will still be arsing around having fun, while she will be thinking, even if only vaguely, of finding someone to have children with.

    If she hasn’t found anyone by her early thirties and children are still a pressing issue (as they are for most women), she will be getting desperate, even if she pretends everything is fine.

    By her mid to late thirties and still single, she’ll be considering IVF, having a baby with a gay friend, surrogacy or adoption, all the while internet dating and becoming increasingly despondent.

    Meanwhile, Late Thirties Man has decided that he is ready to settle down and have children but, of course, he wants someone younger to do it with.

    A scientific study of one but I’d argue the toss that it’s at least partly true.

    • Steve says:

      A scientific study of one, maybe. But not all.

      I married a woman in her late thirties and made it abundantly clear to her that I was very much hoping to start a family with her.

      She waited until the ink was dry on the wedding certificate before telling me that she really wasn’t interested in having children. And then she left. Another study of one it may be, but no less scientific.

      • Brigitte says:

        Steve, sorry this happened to you. I think decent women are aware of the pain some women inflict on men. It’s a two way street. I’ve always said that whereas some men inflict physical abuse onto women, some women inflict emotional abuse onto men in the form of deceit, conivery, manipulation, trickery, etc.

  • rosie says:

    .. meant to say ‘when she’s in her EARLY twenties, she can have anyone she wants…’

    • MissM says:

      Every word so very true as usual Rosie. Twenties is indeed the time for a woman to find a partner, thirties is getting tricky, by the time a woman is in her forties the opportunities have all but dried up. The time for which women are considered desirable is unfortunately just so very small and if chance didn’t place the right person in your vicinity during that time it is just too bad. I feel sorry for those women who wanted to have children, though I never wanted them myself I can see that it must be even worse for those who had dreams of motherhood but never got the chance. I miss not having a partner or ever being married, but at least I am not also yearning to hold my own newborn in my arms.

      The reaction to internet dating being life draining, my thoughts exactly. How anyone thinks that is in any way fun is beyond me also, it is more my definition of living hell. But then again, I regard bungee jumping as a bizarre form of torture that I never wish to partake in, while others will actually pay good money in order to do it. I file it under “it’s a funny old world”.

  • rosie says:

    Once again, Fi, your arrogance sweeps me off my feet. Do you not bother to read people’s posts or, as I think someone else has already queried, do you have a problem with reading and comprehension?

    How many times has it been pointed out that the reason many of us on here are single is that we’re not prepared to opt for any old munter? In other words, we’re CHOOSY.

    As for YOU being choosy, what exactly have you got to choose from up there in Nowheresville? ‘Alcoholic, midget, thickos with a weight problem’ (your words, if not in exactly the same order). Hardly a bleedin’ achievement, is it?

    • fi says:

      And………she’s off again………..

    • Elle says:

      I think one of the worst problems that we women encounter as we get older is that we get nastier to each other. I first noticed it when I turned 30 and women I thought were friends started getting bitchy and stabbing each other in the back. I don’t know if it’s just nastiness or something hardwired into women’s DNA – the older we get the fewer men are about and we can’t afford to be as nice to each other as we were at a younger age. I hope this isn’t true.

      We really let ourselves down when we fight among ourselves but most of all we let Plankton-in-Chief down. Remember that this blog can be read by anyone with a link to the internet.

    • Margaux says:

      Rosie – I’m going to defend Fi here. Raising the issue of character / personality over looks, job status, money, age, teeth ( or the lack of) is a valid point.
      I didn’t read her post as being arrogant but I guess these things are all in perception. We all read each other through the preconceptions we have formed. And if we were all to meet, I bet very few of us would match the impressions we have formed of each other.

      If Fi winds you up so – maybe you should just skip over her posts? Might be easier for you?

    • maria says:

      Rosie, what the hell is wrong with you?

  • Barry says:

    It’s a jungle out there ! I didn’t know this world existed until I tripped over this blog. It’s a weird world and no mistake …. I am glad I didn’t get into it , par contre, i do have concern and sympathy for those I see in it . I have a Friend , 50s divorced ,but with huge mental problems , who is desperate for Female company . He won a substantial sum on the lottery, Suddenly he found a Woman!
    She married him and made her fortune and left . He is scarred for life. The story enforces the horror stories we hear and makes life harder for people who are genuine, like the people here I find .
    How you must suffer from the behaviour of a few social criminals . But don’t give up hope on the human race , for all my cynicism I do feel for you all .

  • rosie says:

    Well if that’s the only retort you can think of, you’re obviously as thick as I think you are.

    • RS says:

      I am always dismayed when these personal petty attacks start.

      It’s the internet, which has a lot of uncivil behaviour on it, but which allows for differing points of view. Usually this blog maintains a level of civility, even while differing views are posted.

      It would be nice if that could be maintained. A few deep breaths before hitting “post” usually helps.

  • rosie says:

    Elle, I agree and I probably shouldn’t have posted that last comment. However, it’s got nothing to do with planktonhood, rather that I’m sick and tired of Fi’s condescending attitude, especially when she has absolutely no discernible reason to be so condescending.

    imo, if you’re going to join a blog with seemingly the sole purpose of slagging off everyone on it, you get what’s coming.

    • fi says:

      I think you misunderstand me. My point is not that people are or are not ‘choosy’ , but if they are being its on physical characteristics as opposed to character and personality. And in fact there’s no discussion about what’s desirable in relation to that at all.

  • rosie says:

    So what do you mean by this? “I think I have difficulty with the “I want a boyfriend, any boyfriend” impression I get of what most women on here seem to want.”

    • fi says:

      The very next sentence qualifies this by saying “There’s plenty of talk about what he must look like, or do for a job, or how much money he should have but NOT ONCE have I heard anybody say what sort of character they are looking for in a man.” If you take one sentence out of context, it can be used to misrepresent anything you want it to. Reading the whole of the post gives a clearer impression of what someone is trying to say.

  • rosie says:

    No, it doesn’t ‘qualify’ it, it contradicts it.

    • fi says:

      Well to be honest if I read something that appeared to be contradictory I’d read the whole post to try to understand what the writer was trying to say.

  • rosie says:

    It’s usually a great help to the reader if the writer understands what they’re trying to say.

    • T Lover says:

      Rosie,

      Where is Nowheresville? Must be in Scotland because, well, I think Fi’s a Jock? Central Scotland? She mentioned it a week or two back?

      And where are you based? Somewhere nice I hope. I’d like to live in Scotland and don’t understand people who can’t see why. Apart from the scenery (the Borders is my ambition) and the proximity of a very civilised city (Edinburgh) there is a real sense of community.

      Yesterday Catherine was whipped by “J24601” who said:

      “I once had a two year relationship with a woman who had a severe birth defect, such that one side of her face did not form properly and, amongst other abnormalities, not all visible, she lacked an ear on that side of her face. I loved her, and we are still friends.”

      Now if charged I would have to plead guilty to gross superficiality. I like a “distinctive” look in a woman, women have to be slim and bright. Until this last few months that is. I met someone who is no beauty. What a woman. Ain’t going to go anywhere but my eyes have been well and truly opened. Four languages, musical to a professional standard and to cap it a very nice person. Very attractive by dint of a huge personality, not looks.

      Being choosy in the sense I think you mean it may be a big mistake.

      And before you tell me bald, fat, midget, thickos like me can’t afford to be choosy can I (vainly) tell you that I am none of those things (well maybe a bit dim) and have no problem with women except finding the right one.

      For years I made the mistake of judging books by their covers. It is a big big error.

      • Mezzanine says:

        T Lover – interesting post but can I ask why it is not going to go anywhere?

      • fi says:

        T Lover – you’re right about Scotland. 😀
        Re scottish men though – Eric Joyce is my MP. You’ll have seen the news. I think though because of his army background he does eat healthily. 😀

      • T Lover says:

        Not going to go anywhere is perhaps overstating it but I have a problem. She smokes. And some other question marks about her and my own situation. I just wonder if I want to go through it again. MInd in complete turmoil.

        Anyway, in half an hour I’ll be getting plenty of unwanted advice from a pal over a beer so I may be able to give you a more befuddled answer later.

      • T Lover says:

        Fi,

        Yes I read about Mr Joyce only an hour ago.

        The Borders, the place of my dreams – this year that’s it, I’m off – has the strangest social mix. Some of the richest (by inheritance) in the country with an underclass that struggles.

        The “carry oots” are dire and you do get the impression in some of the pubs that drinking and shagging are the two main leisure occupations.

        Now I’m late for that drink. Must fly.

      • EmGee says:

        Okay, now I’m confused, what about Mrs T Lover? She must be real because she posts here once in awhile. In your defense, I might add. ;-D

      • EmGee says:

        😀
        There, a proper lol.

      • fi says:

        EmGee – 😀
        Mrs t lover is t lover he just changes his name!! If you look at the coloured square on the left of both of their names it is the same. And each is unique to each poster

      • fi says:

        T lover. Drinking, shagging and FIGHTING.

      • @ T Lover- I’d be carefull these days if I were you- Your wife wrote in to this column yesterday afternoon, she’s offering to sell you….

      • EmGee says:

        @ Scott

        Obo? I haven’t checked under the couch cushions lately, maybe…

        Never mind, all I collected was some fuzzballs and a cat toy. I could throw in an actual cat, since she may be looking at planktonhood, and I have a spare.

      • T Lover says:

        Fi, EmGee,

        Here we have an A1 example of women in action – why women are just brilliant. And so different to men.

        A bit of perceived skulduggery emerges – a bloke is (falsely I might add) accused of changing his persona.

        Women who are strangers to one another form a circle (can two form a circle?) and point an accusing finger referring always to the male victim as “he” or “him”. Not by his real name (T Lover) but “he” or “him”.

        The natural affinity between women is brill and shines like a beacon from this blog.

        EmGee, yes there is a Mrs T Lover, do NOT believe a word of what that Fi says. Look at her nose. It’s a yard long. If you look carefully at that green square thing you will see a sort of watermark image. One eye on a stalk protruding from the top of the wife’s head.

      • fi says:

        T Lover – that was a very quick drink. Are you too old and lacking in stamina? Or is that how its done elsewhere in the country?

      • T Lover says:

        I can’t lie, been caught out.

        I forgot to copy some computer files and went back to the office. I had a gas to a new neighbour about the business they were setting up. I had a yak at the petrol station to a bloke who was restoring a car like mine and who had a problem with the brakes.

        I then looked at the phone. There were three missed calls from my pal and a text to say it was too late he was going for a meal with his boy.

        This Blogger’s patience will be stretched to breaking by all this – no relevance whatsoever to her theme – so nite nite and have a good weekend. And to you Rosie – eMail is guaranteed to lead to misunderstandings..

    • EmGee says:

      T Lover: “If you look carefully at that green square thing you will see a sort of watermark image…”
      By Golly! I see it! I see it!

      😀

  • AMJ says:

    Mingers can be assholes too, so you may as well pick a looker.

    • fi says:

      “Mingers can be assholes too”. Another great line for a t shirt

    • Lucy says:

      Yes, AMJ, see my (overlong) previous post. Because I’m now a somewhat disabled plankton, I will probably never get a looker now, but I agree, if you can, you might as well …

  • AMJ says:

    Oh dear Lucy, I hadn’t read your earlier comment til now. What a terrible experience.

  • june says:

    Well Fi yes i guess we do care about how people look but correct me if i am wrong but so do you from what youve said, Ive never said i wanted an adonis but someone who is not repulsive ,the two men from long distances, on POF well 80/ 100 miles is long distance to me were quite presentable and pleasant and if nearer i would have gone out with them, whereas one who contacted me today from 15 miles away was quite frankly fat and ugly so i wouldnt go out with him, he might be a nice person but i am afraid he looks so awful just couldnt overlook that, to get any further. None of us are saying we want George Clooney look alikes but there is a difference between being reasonable looking and looking fat and repulsive.. Also i think we do care about what men are like in their personalities, i know id want someone kind, caring and easy going, qualities i see in most of the men in the happiest relationships i know and which my father had in abundance.

  • MissM says:

    I really like the issues raised by P’s blog entry today and have been giving them some thought over the last day or so. Indeed people who have never suffered in life, the ‘unbruised and unbruisable’, can be the most insufferable “let them eat cake” style of human beings. Is there anything much worse than a person who upon hearing of someone else’s pain responds with what basically amounts to “I’m okay, now you quit your whinging”?

    But is it so necessary to experience something first hand ourselves before we can offer compassion to another? I think that for some as long as they have endured some hardships in life they have the imagination to extrapolate that into new situations that are not experienced directly. For example most people would be able to go some way into understanding that losing a child would be an incredibly painful experience, without ever having actually lost one themselves.

    But for those who have never had any setback in life, perhaps they really have no data to extrapolate from. Perhaps if you have never known hunger or pain or loneliness or loss it is not possible to have sympathy for others who suffer any of those things.

    Also, I figure it is especially hard to continue to believe that all that is good in your life is a direct result of your own actions if you have to factor luck into the equation. Therefore there is no such thing as luck, instead luck is only opportunities that were missed or taken. That way some people can maintain all the credit for their own success, truly believe it was all their doing, and go through life patting themselves on the back for their general cleverness. However this means that all those who suffer did not have any bad luck, but brought it all upon themselves. When these people see news footage of people starving they say such things as “they shouldn’t have tried to grow food in the desert in the first place”. These people are absolutely without modesty, compassion, empathy and humility.

    A person without modesty, compassion, empathy and humility is a rather unpleasant being, and if given the option, I too would rather avoid them.

    • fi says:

      But can there really be anyone who hasn’t gone through pain, hurt, disappointment etc? I can’t imagine that there is anyone our age who hasn’t been cheated on, say, or had to cope with the death of someone they loved, or seen the end of a marriage or relationship, or seen their dreams fail to materialise, or had to accept that life isn’t going to work out as they’d imagined it would for example. Who goes through life without experiencing all these things? Absolutely nobody. All these experiences bring wisdom and strength. And make you value what you do have.

      • fi says:

        In some ways it’s easier to go through them yourself than watch someone you care about go through them. I like to think its like riding the waves in a thunderstorm – you just have to cling on and wait for the storm to pass, trust it will and keep an eye out for the sunshine which does come. But shit happens. To everybody. But it passes. I think you just have to hang in there till it does. Thankfully neither of my children have died, but I’ve known people whose have. I think its really important to grab every bit of pleasure and reward life offers because you never know if tomorrow will be the day you go to the doctor about your cough and find out its not just a cough, or your child crosses the road and a car driver hits them. Sorry if I sound depressing, it just makes me feel its important to live for now, grab pleasure, experience happiness and appreciate what you have instead of thinking about what’s missing.

      • fi says:

        Especially if what’s missing is …..a boyfriend!!! No sorry I’m just grateful I have 2 healthy and happy children. I have parents that are still alive but who knows for how long. Friends that have shared my life – they’ve been there through the shite and I’ve had some of the best times of my life with them. And there are things I’m really proud of achieving that at times I didn’t think I would. I’m healthy. I’m grateful for my life. Am I unhappy that I don’t have a boyfriend? I think I can cope.

      • fi says:

        And…..sorry I’m on a rant now……I would suggest that by referring to offering empathy, compassion etc, most people don’t even know what that means. That’ll be what Jo’s doing – putting her life on hold, sitting with her friend unable to comfort her when she’s down, feeling the fear for her friend and herself, thinking about what death actually means to her, knowing she may well have unpleasant times ahead. THAT is what it’s all about, not writing “big hugs” on an internet page.

      • fi says:

        And…..has everyone forgotten some of the things that were said to tvmunson after he revealed he had a terminal illness??? Compassionate? I think not!!!!!

    • EmGee says:

      Interesting food for thought. Although I must say, that while for some adversity gives them empathy, wisdom and strength, for others, it only brings out bitterness, blame, and resentment.

      • fi says:

        Or maybe it’s the case that people choose to respond differently to things. And maybe also that the people who make a fuss about the little things have been incredibly lucky so far and not had the real biggies to deal with yet.

  • Jo says:

    Just a rare glimpse out of the ether….
    Fi. You – as ever – speak sense.
    From where I am with my dear friend at the moment. Hear hear..x

    • fi says:

      Hi Jo. I do think about you and hope you’re doing well. And your friend. Just cling on there x

      • Jo says:

        Thanks Fi.
        For what it’s worth, don’t let any buggers get you down. You’re ace. xx
        Hope to be back anon…
        Bye for now.

  • Jo says:

    Referring to your 11.16pm post..
    Bye for now folks.

  • Jo says:

    My dear – seriously ill – friend I should add. Just to be clear.
    xx to all.

  • Jo says:

    ‘From where I am with, my dear seriously ill friend at the moment’.
    Just to be even clearer about my meaning.
    I shall now take my befuddled brain away, until further notice!

  • Jo says:

    Last thing. Fi. Your other posts too. Not just 11.16!
    Sense. Unfairly maligned…
    Hang in… DON’T QUIT. x

  • rosie says:

    @MissM, I think some people are just dim and it’s pointless trying to reason with them.

    • T Lover says:

      I’ve always liked the name Rosie, it’s one of my favourites.

    • MissM says:

      Very, very true Rosie. Hopefully there are some people out there that can see what is actually being written and read it for what it is. There are some people who just have their own agenda and spin to put on everything however.

  • T Lover says:

    I’m a bloke. And we are engaged.

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