Shocker Date with a Married Man

May 14, 2012 § 33 Comments

Just because I have to go to everything and get out there et bloody cetera, I went to a gig last week (Police Dog Hogan, incidentally: BRILLIANT).  The place was heaving with mates and several (female) friends told me  how fantastic and young I was looking (none of the men said as much, natch, but that is what female friends do; we all do it to each other, looking after each other’s emotional welfare.  I don’t care if it’s all a load of bollocks, it feels nice).  I had a lovely time but there wasn’t a husband to be had, of course, just a lot of other people’s.  Never mind.  I loved the music and enjoyed seeing dozens of old muckers and keeping tabs on loads of people I knew in my youth.  I only ever see them at these sort of things, but it’s reassuring in a way, as if one’s past still exists somehow and is still pleased to see one, even if one only taps into it rarely.

On the drive home, my plankton companion and I bemoaned the fact neither of us had a man with whom to go to the theatre, let alone all the rest.  Even forgetting the idea of a fully-paid-up lover, it would at this disappointing juncture be consoling even to have what my mother’s generation called a “walker”.  Can’t even get one of those!  My friend had seen an old (still bachelor) boyfriend at the gig and they had had a lovely drunken chat and she had mentioned going to the theatre with him and he had responded positively but she knew it would never happen because he is such a commitment-phobe that he can’t even keep an email communication going for longer than a three or four way sally before he goes silent, let alone the thought of a companionable trip to the West End with an old mate.  As for me, I cannot think of one male friend to go to the movies or theatre with.  They are all married and it might be crossing a line to ask, close though we are.  The few single ones whom I have known for years but with whom nothing is ever going to happen because neither of us fancy each other, may think I fancy them if I suddenly rang them out of the blue and suggested a sort of date even if I didn’t mean it to be a date.

Then, in the funny way life is, I received a text the very next day from a man from my past who took me out to lunch a few months ago and told me about his marriage which isn’t perfect because his wife wishes to have an affair and he wishes she didn’t.  He loves her; has always been faithful to her.  The text was asking me to the theatre and thirty seconds later another text came rushing through saying he had two tickets but his wife was away and she was the one who suggested me as his date for the evening…  I rang him and told him he needn’t have bothered with the second text as I knew fine well he wasn’t suggesting anything untoward.

“I just thought,” he said, “I had better make it absolutely clear what I was about, just in case you thought…”   I admired his openness and we laughed.  I said, if only I was the sort of woman to go after married men, I’d probably be having a lot more “fun”!  But alas it is not in my make up; it’s not what I do; and, I am not being pious or anything, well, maybe a bit, but I just don’t believe in it.  Quite apart from it being immoral (that’s maybe the pious bit?), it’s a hiding to surround-sound misery.

So we are clear on that then, and I have a date with a married man with whom I am going to the theatre and dinner this week, but it’s not a date-date, obv.

I haven’t got a single one of those and from where I am standing, it feels as if I never will.

There again, life has a funny way of working out.

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§ 33 Responses to Shocker Date with a Married Man

  • Lydia says:

    Perhaps I should hire them out – suitable men to be walkers. An ex boyfriend does that for someone. She is worth £12m (she married well rather than earning it herself which always then means she goes down in my estimation – real women earn their own £12,m) and she neesd someone tall and good looking on her arm from time to time – he’s unpaid when he does and he only does it when he doesn’t have a girl friend b ut it’s fun as he meets some interesting people.

    Surely any woman on here, plankton or otherwise, has an ex or a man they rejected they could call up to take them out to the theatre. I coudl go through the last 20 I had dinner with and I bet 50% of those would be more than happy to go to the theatre with me.

    I would still tread carefully with the married one. Tell him how much fun it is to be in your 40s and single (it trul is for many of us, we have it all, the best of everything, nothing is better). Convert hm the blissful cause of singledom.

  • Amanda says:

    I do have a husband, bu we still never get to the theatre. If you send him round after you’ve finished with would be grand. Hope you have a great night.

  • Barry says:

    My New Life started exactly this way….Visit to Montpellier Opera…..the rest is history. It was spookily the same as your non-date, except my ex went with me as well . Does lightning strike twice? …I do hope so .xx

    • The Plankton says:

      Barry, thank you, but I really honestly and truly don’t think it is anything other than what it is ie. a friend taking me to the theatre because he had a spare ticket as his wife had to go away. Pxx

  • rosie says:

    Could obviously be wrong but I think it’s quite telling that he asked you to go with him and not one of his other friends. Plus, his wife is playing away (or wants to) and suggests you as his date for the evening…. hmm.

  • Barry says:

    P….you could write for “Forum” or “Cosmo” after this ? xxx

  • I have a husband who never goes anywhere with me. Go figure!

  • EmGee says:

    “Walker” is new term for me, not a new concept, but never knew there was a word for it.

    Funny how in one paragraph you mused about asking an available male to accompany you, but feared your offer would be misconstrued, then received the same offer from Mr Wedded, who also feared his offer would be misconstrued. The difference being, that Mr Wedded asked you anyway, and unabashedly made sure there was no miscommunication.

    However, I will share with you that my husband, at one time, encouraged me to do innocuous activities with male friends, and told me later that he did it because felt he was no good for me, and hoped I would find someone who would treat me better. A concept I couldn’t quite wrap my head around when he told me. Later, after a trial separation began, he asked if I was ‘seeing’ anyone. The thought never occurred to me to do that (I was still hurting from being in a painful relationship with him), but he confessed he was, because he couldn’t stand being alone with himself. Sad.

    Anyway, perhaps if Mr Wedded’s wife is wanting to see others, his aim may be true, but she may be encouraging innocent fun in the hopes that he may decide that what is good for the goose is good for the gander.

    As far as having someone to go to the theater with – not quite the same scenario, but a friend had a CD release party in LA this weekend, and I was surprised that my bf wanted to go, he doesn’t usually like that sort of thing. It was a long day getting there, and by the time the music started, he was nearly falling asleep. At the break, he excused himself to nap in the car. I ended up sitting on a bench with the guest of honor, chatting and catching up, in between interruption from other fans, and bf never returned. At the end, I was the last to leave and told GofH that it was good to see/hear him again, and that we’d meet up again soon, sometime (he lives in another state and travels a lot). BF* was hanging out in the parking lot, hard to tell how long he had been out there, or if he had looked in at all, although when I went to check him after the interval, he was indeed asleep in the car.

    *I think this had a lot to do with his Asperger’s – a combination of being tired and in an overstimulating environment. Going back in probably would have caused severe anxiety.

    My point is that, yes, a date to the theater would be swell, but as Amanda and I can attest, having an SO doesn’t guarantee a ‘walker’. Although in my case it worked out better that way. 🙂

  • I know astoundingly little about “urban bluegrass,” I had to look them up on the web- Found ’em, here they are- http://www.policedoghogan.com

  • Well, it’s official- I’m a plankton now!!!

    • T Lover says:

      Happy birthday, big boy.

      The pictures of the jellyfish outfit?

      • Ah yes, thank you- The only professional cameraman that I know wanted to charge me $100.00 for what would amount to no more than 5 minutes of his studio time, which exceeds my budget these days by a bit.

        So here goes- To make a jellyfish costume, you’ll need one (1) clear umbrella, one (1) roll of 3M packing tape, one (1) box of multicolored glow sticks, and approximately 35 to 40 feet of Christmas tree decoration lights, battery operated. Tape the glow sticks in concentric circles, lengthwise around the top part of the umbrella, this will be the “bell” structure of the jellyfish. The handle of the umbrella will be the manubrium. Tape the Christmas tree decotation lights in strands of approximately 5 to 6 feet in length, draping downwards from the top of the umbrella, these will become your tentacles….

        This is useful for Halloween parties, costume parties with marine biologists, and of course, 40th birthday parties….

        I suppose now it’s time for me to get started frightening away women now, reveal my age to them and then never hear from them again….

    • EmGee says:

      Ha Ha! I wondered as soon as I saw that post! Bring it on Scott!

  • “I said, if only I was the sort of woman to go after married men, I’d probably be having a lot more “fun”! But alas it is not in my make up; it’s not what I do; and, I am not being pious or anything, well, maybe a bit, but I just don’t believe in it. Quite apart from it being immoral (that’s maybe the pious bit?), it’s a hiding to surround-sound misery….”

    Never know until you try, Ms. P….

    • Elle says:

      It’s sad but if a woman is a certain age and not interested in attached men she has less of a chance of meeting somebody. Men tend not to leave a relationship unless somebody is lined up, if they leave the relationship at all. So if a woman does get mixed up with somebody attached she’s more than likely going to end up as a bit on the side.

      I applaud P for sticking to her principles and not getting involved with married men. There’s nothing wrong with having married men as platonic friends, but their wives rarely allow that.

  • @ Ms. Plankton, yes, I have had an affair with a married woman once, and it was a truly amazing experience for both of us….

    To quote from Nike, “Just __ __ !!!!!”

  • kathypan says:

    I actually think there is more to this than meets the eye

  • Jane says:

    I just loved Lydia;s ‘real women earn 12 million pounds’ (sorry no pounds sign in this dollar-country).

    • Lydia says:

      Rather than earn them through provision of sex to a rich husband… I mean accumulate that much through their business rather than necessarily earn them per annum. Man last night was telling me about his last marriage, They married quite quickly. He had never seen her place as they were abroad. He should have realised when the 3 step children told him at least he had some money there might be problems. He assumed she owned her property (he didn’t check) and very soon after the wedding bailiffs arrived – she had paid no rent for 3 years. It was a council (state provided) flat. She was very well bred if I can put it like that in terms of antecedents but had served time inside. So I was suggesting well with me you get stable, secure, good job… I suspect he really wants the ex addict tall blonde dangerous type actually. More fool him. Basic checks on a potential spouse are sensible. People are not always what they seem.

      I suspect whenever he married her his position was different – he was the one with the private plane and business and large house abroad. He probably did not have a massive paunch, no job and have to go to the loss 3 times, which when he apologised the first time and I said – yes the diabetes – seemed to pleased him, that I udnerstood. i didn’t say – you are an utter idiot to drink 3 pints, to drink at all, in effect to kill yourself through bad diet and drink. You need to lose 3 stone. Your shirt can hardly stretch over the buttons stretching over your tummy and I can almost see the flesh trying to push through. You may go blind, You may lose limbs. I didn’t say that because I’m actually quite nice in real life but it’s the truth. The rich babe magnet has lost all that used to attract them except his personality which is actually okay. I suspect he doesn’t analyse or think about how his appeal to women has diminished.

      • Elle says:

        It sounds like the rich babe magnet couldn’t give a toss about his health. Or else he could be a fantasist who in reality was never a rich babe magnet but just fabricates stories to make himself seem more interesting.

        Eitherways he sounds dysfunctional and self-destructive ad maybe that’s why he got involved with a woman like his ex. Is it really wise to date somebody who clearly doesn’t care about his health? Now his only option is a middle-aged woman who will probably end up as his carer while he sinks into sinkness, incontinence, curmudgeonry and generally makes he life hell. Unfortunately (and fortunately for him) some middle-aged women would put up with that so as not to be alone.

        I would rather date a health-conscious triathlete or marathon runner from a council estate than a millionaire killing himself with diabetes.

      • Lydia says:

        He’s rather nice. I don’t think you can expect every box to be ticked and if something works for a while that still might be a nice time and good relationship even if long term he will be dead or blind when the diabetes catches up on him. I was the person using babe magnet. He certainly hasn’t made things up. One can check his business past on line. That is the good thing about dating people with some kind of success in the life there is something to check, whereas someone who works behind the counter at Tesco cannot so easily be checked out.

        But I certainly agree I would prefer someone fitter. Despite that of the men I’ve met recently I did like him more more even that the “suitable” widower who I saw for a bit actually even though on paper the latter is more suitable. Anyway I spoke to two men today, two other ones and phew… gets a bit much. One is clever but mostly abroad and culturally too different but intersting and he just worked out who I was although I don’t see that as a threat and the second is the wrong class and not near me but might be compatible although I won’t proceed. He was asking advice about the woman he’s seeing tonight which was rather sweet and funny. I must get back to earning a crust now.

  • kathypan says:

    i really have just given up on men. I am turning 43 in a couple of weeks and i just find that men in their 40s are not interested in women in their 40s. No one is. I am just tired. Tired of chasing guys that are unavailable, and fighting off ones that are undesirable (creepy, drug addicted, you name it)

    I mean ask the Plankton Board this questions- At what point (or age) should you just give up? At what point is your emotion and your time far better spent on something else? And tears?

    • EmGee says:

      My answer:
      Never give Up!, Or at least never say never. On the other hand, you need to spend some time just being a fully fledged member of the human race. Tears are optional.

      My bf turned 58 Saturday (I will turn 50 in October), but he is one of the ‘young’ ones, in both looks and attitude, as is another male friend who is 62, but who is content to follow his bliss. He’s a sweetheart, and has an Italian girlfriend, but he’s sfar*

      *single for a reason

    • The Plankton says:

      I suppose I think – and hope – never. But I cannot believe that I, the Original Plankton, am saying that!! Pxx

    • Elle says:

      I don’t think you should give up, but stop looking and focus on other things. If you meet a man (or win the lottery) be open to it, but don’t hold your breath for it to happen.

      It’s true that men in their 40s aren’t interested in women in their 40s unless those women look no more than 35 and before they realise the woman is actually in her 40s.

  • rosie says:

    I’ve given up too but the thought of ‘living’ another 30 years like this, even another five or ten, well, I just don’t think I can do it. If I am still sitting here, stinking in my own juices when I’m 80 or 90 odd, it will mean I’ll have been on my own practically my whole fucking life. Can anyone really cope with that?

    As for married men, I had a short-lived affair with one about ten years ago. Never again. It would be disingenuous of me to say I was thinking about his wife because I wasn’t, I was thinking about myself and, like P says, it’s a hiding to misery and despair, not to mention a battering to the self esteem.

    He’s still in clover though, having affairs left, right and centre. Pushing 40 and, the last I heard, seeing a 26-year-old ‘Beyonce lookalike’ while his wife had barely had a chance to get out of the labour ward.

    • Would like to remind you again of a story which I posted onto Ms. Plankon’s blogpage here a few months ago- I worked in a pharmacy (or a “chemist” in your version of the language) in 1997- 1998, and it was my job to fill orders for a some local area assisted living facilities, which were too small to have their own in- house pharmacies. I can remember three men whose dates of birth placed them well into their 90’s, who were routinely ordering a 12 pack of condoms, almost weekly.

      I never saw anyone whose age had reached 3 digits ordering condoms though…. That does not necessarily mean that they were not ordering them, it just means that if they were, then one of the other technicians must have been receiving their orders….

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