Girls Have Just Gotta Have Fu-un

May 30, 2012 § 55 Comments

Oh, yeah?  As if.

Maybe I have said this before but I’ll say it again.

At first people told me to “Go out and have fun” which not even roughly translates as, “Fuck a lot”.  And at first I thought, no, not dignified; been there, done that; now I’ve got children to consider, and it never made me happy in my 20s, it’s unlikely to do so now… et al.  It’s a decent relationship I fancy, not zipless fucks.   Anyway, not sure how “fun” they ever were in the first place.  It’s a kind of “fun” which eluded me then as it never was much “fun”; and now it’s no “fun” at all, just displacement and grief.  Take Surprise Twinkle.  About as much fun and humour as a cardboard box, empty of all content, even the polystyrene shrimps.   So.

Am all set to join the Tracy Emin school of thought.

Give up the whole fucking thing.

My new dawn is simple.  Maybe go to an ashram but definitely read shitloads more novels (though – call me bitter and a snob, I don’t care! – not low-brow gobshite like A Million Shades of Tedium), drink lots of lovely lattes, hang out with my wonderful family and friends, and try vicariously to giggle at the humour and hedonism of teenagers.

Sound good?

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§ 55 Responses to Girls Have Just Gotta Have Fu-un

  • Barry says:

    Sounds VERY good P . xx

    Try it , you may like it xx

    • The Plankton says:

      You mean the “fun” or the Acceptance? Pxx

      • plumgrape says:

        No, it’s the mixed message. Try it!
        I think the Aids phenomenon stopped free sex of the sixties in it’s tracks. Today it’s catatonia behind computers, say, dare and do anything but don’t spend the money of a latte in this day and age! Acceptance is tolerance. Talk, communicate, email and if you find a friend, be friendly, Seek and ye shall find, ask and it shall be given. With love

  • skrundles says:

    Having gone through these hoops myself I can’t say it works. Now ‘meeting’ someone and have been given flowers, chocolates and lovely perfume I am very concerned as to his expectations next. The gifts are lovely I have enjoyed our meetings, but I am most definatley not for sale!!!
    What to do next?

  • Dawn says:

    It’s been working for me!

    I, too, have had many married people (including my GP at the time!) tell me to ‘have fun.’ “A sex life is good for your mental health. You don’t have to have relationships with these men,’ she said. Well, yes. Yes , I do. Affectionless sex leaves me cold. It’s like food with little flavour and no nutrition. I like sex too much for that. It’s like boiling a lovely T-bone steak to mush.

    But that’s no reason to ignore all the other enjoyable aspects of life! You go, girl!

  • Penny says:

    Hi Plankton, that all sounds good to me. Whoever got something out of meaningless F…..’s anyway? I did all that in my 20’s too, and felt empty the next day, as all I really wanted was a relationship. When people say “go and have fun” they dont just mean sex surely? you can have fun without sex!!! it means go out with your friends, do nice things, drink nice wine, laugh, explore the world. Today is a beautiful sunny day and it gives us all pleasure, add a latte (though I like Cappucinos!) or a glass of wine with a friend and I say that is pretty good!! i think we are all way past a meaningless F….k!!! All we are doing is cheapening ourselves anyway. It takes all sorts and good luck to the ladies out there that want to do that still, maybe they are trying to prove they can still pull (bit like a man really!) but I’m not one of them and I dont think you are either!

    • plumgrape says:

      I think you are lucky you could get the meaningless fuck, Penny, even if it was in your twenties. I suggest today is a different story for men and women both. The point is love, pure and simple. I love, you love, he/she/it loves, we love, you (pl.) love, they love… everything.

  • Alison says:

    Sounds good to me too P. You have tried lots of other things, including the hop-into-bed approach in your 20’s, which as you and others have found can be quite tedious and not fulfilling at all ….. so, try this New Dawn idea, at best you will enjoy it and learn something of yourself and at worst it will be something to cross off the list as having been done but found wanting.

    Personally, I think you will enjoy it – I do.

    Take care

  • MissBates says:

    You have cracked the code, my dear Plankton, and have expressed more eloquently than I ever could the approach to life I’ve been taking the past couple of years.

    • SteveH says:

      I never did much of the “zipless f**k” when in my twenties as was in a relationship with someone I loved very much(sob!).

      Since becoming single just over two years ago , I have had a few “Zippers” and they have left me totally cold. What seems like a good idea (alcohol fuelled) towards the end of an evening,has ended with an empty feeling.

      No more!

    • The Plankton says:

      Have I? Thank you. Pxx

  • James B says:

    Hmm. Meaningless sex without the biological imperative is just that, completely meaningless.

    You know if you just want visceral fluid swapping. And you don’t, although some women of your age do. Fine.

    But that spark, that connection, that insufferably erotic moment when on top of companionship you both know you have to get closer to someone – can you give up hope of that? Really? It’s only part of a relationship but at your age, a relationship without good, passionate caring unhindered sex would be like eating a great meal off the floor rather than from a nice plate in a good restaurant.

    With regards to having fun, well, fun can mean just that; fun. Even to men, it does not have to mean sex. If you are out there, laughing, smiling, dancing, talking, joking and being yourself – of course you will have fun. Inevitably too, you’ll be far more likely to meet someone appropriate by being active and friendly and genuinely looking happy. Men love happy women. I know I do…

    PLEASE do not frame your expectations downwards. Just enjoy yourself. Read more, write more and go for it – life is all around you. Go out and enjoy what ever you can. Then someone will probably come along. And if they don’t – (which I do not believe for a second) then you’ll be having so much fun that you won’t give a damn. I believe in you, anyway!

    Thanks for your blog today – a joy to have you back so soon, Ms P. Look how much you mean to all of us!

    • EmGee says:

      Bravo, James! Most of the time for most people, ‘Just having fun’ means just that..

      Yesterday my bf and I ‘just had fun’ down in San Diego: we went to the Chuck Jones gallery (Beep-Beep!), had matzo ball soup and strudel at the City Deli for lunch, toured the Taylor guitar factory, caught a matinee of The Avengers in 3D, and then drove 3 hours home, happy and exhausted. Still no sex since we got back together in December (and I would be lying if I didn’t admit I have the disparaging thought now and then that it may never happen again), but we are closer than ever, and that means physically as well, if not in the intimate sense.

      However, in the grand scheme of having a life complete, sex, after all is said and done, is a very small part and I’d rather sacrifice that, than have it and also have abuse, neglect, emotional emptiness, or any myriad of bad things that can happen in a relationship, or no relationship at all.

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you, James B. I am very glad you are enjoying the blog, though I fear it may be a bit erratic these next few days as half-term is starting… but I’ll do my best. Pxx

  • “though – call me bitter and a snob, I don’t care! – not low-brow gobshite like A Million Shades of Tedium…”

    So you mean we’re not going to be reading any comments from you on this site: http://www.richardandjudy.co.uk/book-club-news/1

  • Everyone seems to deal with divorce differently- Some people host divorce parties, for them divorce is the happiest occasion of their lives, they find being single again to be a very liberating experience.

    If your ultimate goal here is to learn what behaviors tend to frighten away men, and how to avoid engaging in those behaviors, might I be so bold as to suggest that at all costs, you avoid ever doing this:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QM-PelDdXe8

  • kathy says:

    MS Plankton, I totally get how you feel. My advice on fun is to not engage in it unless you have a heart of stainless steel. Its the only way you can survive it.

    I am 43 and I have been having “fun” for nearly FIVE years with a man. I am in love with him, but he claims no feelings and does his best not to make me feel like there is anything there.

    Five years of sex with a woman and no feelings. Daily contact (text and whatnot). Should I believe him? I am thinking just to disappear and see how many feelings he has then.

    • fi0na says:

      Kathy. Sympathies. I just did that too (mercifully only for a year) but whilst I tried to second guess him we were treated like a couple and friends would even venture to suggest that he “just wasn’t good at expressing his feelings” truth be told he was more in love with his dog and with the benefit of hindsight displayed much evidence of being “just not that into me” Finally he did the gentlemanly thing and dissappeared on ME.

    • plumgrape says:

      Kathy, I don’t think a man really does know the full extent of his feelings in a situation like yours. I think I would up-value negotiation if I were you, play your cards more vicariously and close to your chest. I would take much more of a chance. Take a risk, but be willing to be flexible and go and step backwards if you can make a deal. Cut to the wire and be prepared to even go beyond. Men only need a bargaining partner. The rest can be achieved through negotiation. I bet you will surprise even yourself by what you can uncover that you can do even on your own. My bet and money would be that you can negotiate for anything, for entirely whatever you want if you are willing to take the chances. Good luck. You can’t loose

      • kathy says:

        yes, i think that is what i will do. At the very least i need to retract my affections, to at least find out how he really feels. On a practical level what would you suggest?

    • The Plankton says:

      Yikes! I don’t know, I am so sorry. I am crap with advice; not really in a position to be handing any out!!! Best of luck. Pxx

  • kathy says:

    MS Plankton this youtube song is really funny , its going viral here, its called 29/31 about meeting men http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-gfxjAaZg0

    if you dont want to click on teh link its called “29/31 by Garfunkel and Oates “

  • Lizzie says:

    Hmmm…….. it’s a difficult one. Weighing up a parched desert of years without a glimmer of a relationship, and by default, no sex. Against the alternative of a carefully chosen (and discreet) encounter with a casual sex partner (friend?) should the situation arise and suit you both.

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the latter (as long as this doesn’t transcend into a regular bonk-fest with different partners where the only result is a gradual diminishing self-esteem and a ‘name’ for yourself).

    I would opt for this alternative, every now and then, not often, but only as and when circumstances fall into place and the end result is reassuring and morale-boosting. Even if only once a year or so, it can cheer you up.

    It’s only when there is a conflicting agenda that it all falls to pieces. Not good for anyone.

  • Caz says:

    All sounds very complicated to me. I think James talks an awful lot of sense! It’s all about balance in a relationship – I can identify with a lot of the situations here….emotional coldness, unbelievable eroticism, discreet partner. I’m currently in a relationship which is a nice balance – not the emotional angst and roller coaster of emotions but a lovely, kind steady guy who is really keen on me. I have yet to ascertain the depth of my feelings – although, just for a change – it’s nice to feel in control and not anxious or – god forbid -“needy” in any way.
    It’s fascinating to see the different ways people on this blog co-exist!
    Never say never – life can change in an instant. It’s a fascinating journey.

  • rosie says:

    Dawn, what a patronising thing for a GP to say, especially one with a rock on her left hand. I’d have been tempted to punch her! Talking of which, I came close to doing the same to my sister (married since the age of 30, big house, two kids, pets) whose twisted sense of logic has led her to surmise that she would be ok on her own as a geriatric 49 year old as ‘she’d have got used to it by now’. I mean, really, wtf?

    And zipless fucks, you can keep ’em. I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman yet who’s not kidding herself when she says she enjoys them. If she fancies the man – who she will invariably want to see again – at any rate. And if she doesn’t fancy him, well, where’s the fun in that?

    • Dawn says:

      I don’t think she meant to be patronizing, Rosie. She’s a lovely person. It was more a case of ‘don’t let society’s double standard stop you from enjoying yourself.’ Although that’s not the problem. If I wanted zipless fucks, I’d go looking for them, double standard be damned. I came of age in between the sexual revolution and AIDs, so the idea of casual sex doesn’t faze me. It’s the actuality of it, which ain’t nuthin’ to write home about.

      I think the freedom to play the field looks more enticing from the confines of marriage than it really is.

  • Caz says:

    ps….Plankton I would be fascinated to know you 10 top novels you would recommend for summer reading – how about a blog on them? You have such good taste.

  • skrundles says:

    Caz – how about ‘The Female Brain’ very interesting so far, followed by the apparently smaller book ‘The Male Brain’. I haven’t read either fully yet.
    James – you sound lovely and speak the language a girl wants to hear.
    Plankton – ever thought of starting your own (dating) website? but you have to have read and taken part in The Plankton?
    I only say this because the men who comment sound quite grounded and thoughtful.

    • The Plankton says:

      Only, there aren’t enough of them… As in life indeed! But nice idea. THanks. Pxx

    • T Lover says:

      Skrundles,

      “ever thought of starting your own (dating) website? but you have to have read and taken part in The Plankton?
      I only say this because the men who comment sound quite grounded and thoughtful.”

      Never a truer word said. The problem is the women a proportion of whom are barking.

  • plumgrape says:

    I think we men are in equal proportion. Perhaps it’s the antics of women that ensures there are “not enough of them”! Try haughty, hoity toity, too cool for words, busy, won’t call, won’t pay, married, won’t meet, won’t spend time, are happy to talk from behind a computer, promise everything, deliver nothing, lie, deceive, make requisitions to continue dialogue like my current Accra queen who wants an HP DV7 laptop for the web cam to offer more of a Facebook virtual communion and relationship where we can exercise our virtual marriage and no doubt coexist to raise our virtual family! I am reminded of that Japanese run-time routine pet that had to be accorded love and virtual food to survive or it died on line. Do you remember?

    • EmGee says:

      Well, being married is an ‘antic’ I won’t be accused of any time soon. 🙂

      Her Highness needs a top of the line laptop for it’s web cam? I just bought a 7″ tablet for $99 with wifi & a built in cam that would work fine for that sort of thing. Also hooks up to a monitor with an HDMI cable, just in case she can’t get enough of her beloved’s countenance from a tiny screen.

  • rosie says:

    Not sure if these will cheer folks up or have them reaching for the bread knife but thought I’d post this anyway:

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/jun/01/looking-for-mr-mrs-right

    • EmGee says:

      The only one that would have me reaching for the bread knife is “Steven, 40” – imho, therapists are he most messed up people on the planet. They were messed up to begin with, thought they could fix them selves by becoming therapists, convinced themselves they fixed themselves, and now inflict themselves on unwitting patients.

  • rantywoman says:

    Plankton I posted some very funny links on my blog a while back about online dating by a hilarious blogger– I think you would enjoy:

    http://thebitterbabe.wordpress.com/2012/03/25/shrubs/

  • James B says:

    Has the column in this week Times disappeared? I may be stupid but I cannot find it for the life of me. It may be because of the Jubilee celebrations? Or have my powers of newspaper navigation left me for good?

    And one more thing – as a subscriber to the Times I get to see your column online and it occurs to me that some of the moronic and infantile comments underneath your articles must sometimes hurt your feelings, to put it mildly Ms P. Do not let this affect you. The simple fact is that newspaper web sites attract the worst kind of insensitive anti-social pond life who cannot understand that the Internet is a two-way medium.

    So have faith; thousands of us (maybe hundreds of thousands) love your work here.

    • Jill says:

      Well, James, if you are stupid that makes two of us, as I haven’t been able to find P’s column either, but I imagine that a combination of the Jubille coverage and the exigencies of half term have caused a temporary hiatus. Let’s hope that normal service is rapidly restored!

    • The Plankton says:

      Hi James, thank you for this. Alas, the column didn’t come out on Monday because of the jubilee and lack of space but I think it’ll be back next Monday. As for reading the comments: I never do, not least because I don’t subscribe to the Times online because, Luddite that I am, I still buy it as a paper. I would be hurt but I am not because I never see the comments. The only comments I read are on this blog and 99.9% are lovely, so I live in a rosie-coloured world. I’ve enough shit to contend with without more shit from Times-reading trolls! I am glad you are liking the blog and can only apologise that it is rather intermittent to say the least these days. pxx

      • Jill says:

        Well,James, there are regrettably all too few logophiles around these days – we are a vanishing species!

  • plumgrape says:

    Plankton,
    Is the blog supposed to be self-serving?

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