July 24, 2012 § 74 Comments
From yesterday’s Times:-
Some weeks ago I had a eureka moment, walking along the well-trodden pavement between the cafe and my house, that never again was I going to be in the business of trying to convince someone.
One of my least favourite words in the English language is empowering, but I admit that this is what this new stance has been for me. Or, I could simply say that I am feeling more confident. There has been a certain amount of interest from various quarters; none especially promising but nonetheless a definite boost. So, instead of looking upon the Philanderer as automatically superior to me because he is an attractive man with a reputation – with women and in life – I see him simply as an equal who, like me, has good sides and bad; strengths and frailties. At first, there was a certain amount of posturing on his part and I took from that that he was probably screwing lots of women in lots of ports and ploughing through them like a road drill through mile upon mile of tarmac and with similar indifference. But as I get to know him little by little, I am not so sure. With my new, slightly sceptical wisdom, I wonder. My suspicion is that his philandering days, if not over, are certainly quietening down. Of late there has been less of the talking the talk and I have even detected about him an air of vulnerability and loneliness. I feel he might be grappling with the slightly tricky process of sloughing off a wilder youth. A certain humility and hesitance may be taking its place and the edges of the former ruthlessness might be being blunted.
This is very much in his favour, but I have not yet been entirely won over. I remain firmly and happily on the fence. My new-found confidence – empowerment! – is neither infallible or arrogant so I haven’t transformed myself into a total hardball quite yet, but I am keeping an open mind. The joy is that the confidence means I can be straight-forward in my dealings with him. I no longer spend hours labouring over the syntax of a text or composing pitch-perfect emails. I just toss them off as I do to a girlfriend or colleague, with little regard for some perceived effect. And, interestingly, his keep coming back. I can’t honestly say if he is taking “things” at all but if he is, then he is taking them slowly, and that is fine by me as I am still trying to figure out if I wish to take them at all.
It is a good position to be in. I rather wish I had taken it years ago.