Christmas Dinner

November 20, 2012 § 88 Comments

From yesterday’s Times:-

Every year a couple of friends give a Christmas party in their house, tables cobbled together in their kitchen, four delicious courses, same twenty-one people.  That is, ten couples plus Perma-Plankton.  I love it, despite being the only ever single saddo.  The hosts know not one – not one! – available man.  But I go because I enjoy it for its own sake.  Somehow, I’m not made to feel like a freak of nature.

It is this dinner more than New Year’s Eve or my birthday or the beginning of the academic year that acts as a sort of marker for me.  For several years now, I have gone alone and every time I say to myself, “This time next year I bloody well hope I might be with someone and can come, like everyone else, if not with a husband, then at least with a viable companion.”

I once went with an unviable companion; a stranger – a friend of a friend – who had showed up on my doorstep needing a bed and whom I took along because I was too embarrassed to ask him to babysit.  This unexpected cuckoo caused something of commotion amongst the regulars.  An outspoken BBC TV presenter amongst them asked if this man and I had yet had oral sex, as he thought we ought to have, given the fortuitous circumstances of our meeting.  I had only met the stranger two or three hours earlier and had spent much of that time politely talking whilst doling out fish fingers to my children.  The presenter’s remark made me feel very unadventurous, square and inadequate.  The more so when the stranger and I did not indulge in a little light oral sex after the dinner either, when we went home together arm in arm and were both festively merry.  It was so obvious we should have done but somehow we just didn’t.  Perhaps it would have been too obvious, too corny.

Anyway, every year since, the presenter has asked me how it is I am still showing up alone, or at least not with a handsome companion, even if a platonic one.  But handsome companions, with or without benefits, are hard to come by.  I do have a younger twinkle in my sights this year, but I certainly won’t be taking him along to a married, middle-aged dinner at which we all get pissed and play silly word games which make us laugh helplessly but would crucify anyone under the age of forty.

So it is, I have another year under my belt, another Christmas party to go to as a lone loner.  But still, somehow – and call me Deluded – with hopes intact for this time next year…



§ 88 Responses to Christmas Dinner

  • Jill says:

    Great positive note at the end of your post, P. And I am also quietly pleased that you didn’t take the advice of the more cautious among us (including me…) and turn your back upon the younger twinkle, about whom you are being super-discreet.

    But what the heck is this gratuitous and instrusive third degree inquisition to which your friends seem to feel entitled to submit you? The boot is firmly on the other foot – the BBC presenter should be deeply ashamed of himself – he is probably only making such tasteless and provocative comments because he totally and utterly fancies you rotten himself…..You should in no way feel “unadventurous, square and inadequate” when someone makes such inappropriate comments. I SO wish that the very unladylike retort which sprang to my mind, which might just have shut him up, was capable of repetition on this page.

    BTW, I’m off to dinner with friends tonight – there will be nine of us round the table…….. but these are such good mates that I have been asked to stay the night (sleepover time!) because my hosts are so empathetic and realise what a dampener it is when you leave a good evening and climb into your car by yourself to go home to an empty house.

  • fi says:

    Sorry, but what a very strange life you lead.

  • Jill says:

    P.S. Why not retain intact hopes for THIS year, P? Christmas parties = opportunities for meeting who knows whom? Get shopping, get glamming-up, and sally forth to these events with hopeful heart and massive smile on face…….> r-r-r-RESULT! 😆

    • The Plankton says:

      Er, no. All married. Pxx

      • Jill says:

        No, sorry, I meant other parties or gatherings (e.g. Carol Service/s – there must surely be one or two single dads at those?), not the smug marrieds occasion you mentioned. (Anyway, what s it about all these marrieds – when I have had single friends in the past, I have worked my socks off trying to pair them up -, yet have not had one single (no pun intended) introduction in two years. Useless lot!)

  • Redbookish says:

    Sounds like a wonderful Christmas dinner, Ms P. I hope you have a great time.

    And I’m a bit bewildered by Fi saying you lead a strange life. Sounds fairly normal to me, but I’m of the arty intelligentisia myself …

    • SteveH says:

      I also the think the BBC presenter is out of order. Sounds a complete bore making a remark like that. My money is that his first name is Jeremy….

      Anyway, how are things going weith Young twinkle? Isn’t a rather central part of this blog about “being at the bottom of the sexual food cahin?” From the very coy hints, it seems that this may no longer be the case!your

      • Elle says:

        Clarkson or Paxman? :

        I think Clarkson can be funny and a great antidote when political correctness get’s a bit tedious.

      • The Plankton says:

        I have just this morning written my column for next Monday in which I mention the younger twinkle. Coy, me? Pxx

      • SteveH says:

        P, I remember, “back in the day” that we would get six columns worth deconstructing a two line email from surprise twinkle (or whatever he was called).

        Since you mentioned Young Twinkle a month or so ago, we have had your Aunt’s advice, a hint that said advice might not be followed and…..

        If , as I suspect, for the first time since the column started, you are actually having a relationship, surely it merits more than the tiny scraps that we’ve been fed so far?

        And no, I don’t mean a “blow by blow” (although if you want to , go right ahead 😉

        We can’t wait til Monday ;))

      • The Plankton says:

        Thanks for this SteveH, and very fair enough. I have gone rather quiet of late. I will surely be writing about him soon but I am just needing to process some stuff first, as will be revealed in the Times on Monday… Thank you for your interest. Pxx

    • fi says:

      Redbookish – I’m neither arty nor intelligent so maybe that explains why I’ve never had it suggested to me over dinner that I have oral sex with a stranger, nor would I consider it obvious that I should do, then reject it on the grounds of it being a bit “too corny”. Maybe Scotland is just a bit unsophisticated? Or maybe it’s just me. 😀

      • Sarah says:

        I’ve been trying to think of a reply to said boorish presenter and the only one I can come up with is
        “I’m not you, dear”.

        Anyone else with a better response?

      • EmGee says:

        “Anyone else with a better response?”

        Best I could come up with was a poke in the nose.

        Good Lord, what an insufferable boor. I can only surmise that he is wed to a friend of the hostess, and therefor must be tolerated. Fortunately, the other guests need only put up with him for an evening, the poor wife came with him and must go home with him. Then again she probably deserves what she got, the only reason for marrying such a fool would be for status and money.

        It is telling that you mention that Young Twinkle would not enjoy being a part of this company, hell I am 10 years past 40 and would find it a crashing bore (even if the wine and spirits, the-good-stuff-only-unleashed-for-special-occasions, flows freely), not to mention the uncomfortable feeling of being an outsider to this very ‘in crowd’. It comes up again and again in your posts that your broader circle of friends are rude and elitist snobs.

        Makes me glad I’ll spend a duller than dirt week back in the rural midwest with a dwindling number of family for Xmas. Alone, mind you, while my bf stays behind and house-sits for me.

      • The Plankton says:

        No, it is what teenagers call banter. Teenage behaviour by a middle-aged man, maybe, which looks crap written down, but he is in fact very funny so somehow he got away with it. Pxx

      • EmGee says:

        Perhaps I misunderstood. People don’t get to the upper echelons of large media networks without the ability to charm and amuse, all the while insulting their victim. Over here on the left coast we call it making you eat sh*t and like it. I am calling you on this Ms P, because you wrote:
        “The presenter’s remark made me feel very unadventurous, square and inadequate.” That hardly sounds like you found it amusing.

        If he hadn’t made the remark, you would have simply felt good about doing a good deed for a stranger, instead of uncomfortable about not ‘doing the deed’ with a stranger. Which knowing you, as little as I do, probably would have made you feel 10X worse afterwards.

        Oh, and I like the idea of putting a little chocolate dildo among the Beeb Boob’s place setting.

    • The Plankton says:

      Fi must think it strange to have supper with lots of friends of an evening before Christmas. In which case I am very, very strange. Pxx

    • T Lover says:

      What is the “arty intelligentisia”? A company. Entry qualification: to become a member you must be so enamoured by your own superior intelligence you can lick your own backside. To be able to spell intelligentsia would make an application more plausible but not vital given that membership is subjective – an ego decision for the individual.

      Blogger’s lifestyle – if it is real. A mile away from mine. If I knew what a BBC presenter was I wouldn’t admit it or that one was an acquaintance. And if anyone asked a woman at my dinner table whether she had had oral sex with her male companion there would be trouble. Is that the sort of thing the arty intelligentsia find amusing? Topping.

  • py says:

    I have to say I am disappointed. Having presumed that an invite would have been forthcoming to the annual Plankton Christmas Party, I appear to have waited in vain .

    I’d imagined joining some wild get-together by the cold-cuts counter in the Food Hall . A celebration of singledom on a bacchanalian scale – nibbles and booze sponsored by the John Lewis Partnership, of course, after all of the gratuitous free publicity this year (albeit I’d be steering clear of the ‘pork lollipops’ they’re pushing in their ads – which warped marketing mind conjured up a name like that ?).

    • Jill says:

      I have yet to see this ad., but pork lollipops ???! 😆 (Did the sound of my ribald laughter reach WC1, by any chance?)

      Well, come on P – we are all (well, perhaps maybe not ALL) champing for a PCP (isn’t that a Class A drug?!) I think it’s time for you to step up to the plate (preferably one laden with delicious canapes…… )

  • malcolm says:

    What? A strange man shows up at your doorstep and you don’t engage in oral sex with him (hmmm, now I’m wondering whether the presenter was imaging you on the giving or recieving end) within a few hours of meeting. You prude.

  • Elle says:

    Oh dear, that BBC presenter mustn’t be getting any oral sex himself. That’s why he’s so obsessed with it. Ask the hosts to arrange a Kris Kindle for the party, make sure you get the BBC presenter and give him a chocolate willy. He should have fun opening it in front of everyone else. Eating it should keep him busy and prevent him from asking silly questions.

  • june says:

    Ah yes P, good old christmas again, always a kind of a deadline for us planktons isnt it. By next christmas we might have met “the one” and next christmas arrives and we havent. I have started getting the what are you doing for christmas enquiries well what the hell a single,childless orphan will be doing for Christmas should be pretty obvious i would think Do people actually think you can invent a family just for christmas and then pop them back until next year!, I smile and say well unless friends invite me, and although i have good ones, and did get invites last year , they have partners and they have families so who knows what will happen, i will be spending it alone.

    Yes we havent heard a lot about younger twinkle but he obviously still around. Have ben chatting to man in london on POF 10 years younger, which suits and pic looks ok. hes ,given me his mobile no, but he has told me very little about himself says hes a teacher , and also says doesent drink alcohol, That worries me a bit, i enjoy a glass of wine, somehow ive never seen myself with a teetotaller. Should i go there, the distance, the no alcohol, the not telling me about himself, i have doubts,


    • EmGee says:

      Just because he doesn’t drink, doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t enjoy a glass of wine. Sounds like you don’t know enough about him to make that judgment yet. Good luck, he sounds like a good prospect, even if he is in London.

    • Jo says:

      June. POF man. ’10 years younger, which suits and pic looks ok. He’s given me his mobile number, but he has told me very little about himself’. (Maybe ask for more info? Just a thought ……Not difficult.)
      ‘Says he’s a teacher and also says he doesn’t drink alcohol. That worries me a bit as I enjoy a glass of wine’. (So…?) ‘Somehow I’ve never seen myself with a teetotaller’. (Doesn’t mean YOU have to be teetotal!)
      ‘Should I go there? The distance. The no alcohol. The not telling me about himself. I have doubts’…….
      There’s always something wrong…You seem to always find something wrong….
      Words fail me. Why am I even saying this?
      You have stated you’d like this & this & this…….& this..
      But any combination of said checklist is subject to veto because this ‘doesn’t fit’ and ‘that doesn’t fit’ and.. and … and…
      Words fail me………..

      • Steve says:

        Never seen myself with a teetotaller. What does that even mean? It’s not a disease!

      • june says:

        i do keep asking him questions about himself but he just wont answer them, weve been chattiing on POF for weeks and to be honest apart from whats on his profile i know nothing else about him. Surely before wanting to talk to me on the phone we should get to know each other a bit more online first. It just seems strange you can message for weeks and say nothing at all,Well it does to me im sorry but it does.

    • zoe says:

      You know what they say, June. Enjoy yourself. It’s later than you think.

      • Jo says:

        Yes you’re right June. You should def get to know each other more online first.
        If you keep asking him questions and he just won’t answer them, then that is a no – no. I can understand why you’re wary. Not a good start. To say the least…Answering questions seems to me a very basic requirement. Why would someone not answer them? Hmmmm. Yes. Right to be wary then I’d say.

  • Jill says:

    P….. PCP = Plankton Christmas Party, as mentioned by teh self-styled “disappointed” PY 😆

  • Scott Benowitz says:

    An outspoken BBC TV presenter amongst them asked if this man and I had yet had oral sex, as he thought we ought to have, given the fortuitous circumstances of our meeting….

    This wasn’t by chance Jim Naughtie, was it?

  • fi0na says:

    Don’t you ever think its rather great being a plankton at Christmas when you look around at all those stuffed-shirt husbands that your friends have to go home and have xmas sex, pork lollipops or blow jobs with?

  • Well, it’s been fun blogging with all of you… We’ve officially now got only one month remaining until the entire world ends… tempting to say that I’ll miss you guys, but I suppose after the world ends, none of us are going to be missing much….

  • T Lover says:

    Hands up those who can sit 21 people in their kitchen for a four course formal meal.

    And this business of the pork lollipop, is it true John Lewis are advertising pork lollipops, or, PY are you pulling the legs of some naïve girlies?

    Surely no-one even in the Orwellian world of the John Lewis partnership – where some are more equal than others and they employ a lady in the Oxford Street shop to clear up the dog crap – could seriously offer a pork lollipop?

    • Jill says:

      I had to check this out for myself, being a bit of a compulsive researcher as well as a hardened sceptic, and it is most certainly true. For the princely sum of £4.99, Waitrose will sell you 12 red Thai pork lollipops. Product summary reads : Spiced pork balls seasoned with fresh coriander and finished with sesame seeds. Sadly there is no illustration on their website. Message reads: “Sorry, image coming soon”. Can’t wait!

    • T Lover says:

      Well, I don’t want to descend (or is it ascend?) to BBC celebrity level but here I go. Scott forced me to say it. Mr arty intelligentsia could be marginally more subtle this year were he to ask if anyone had licked a pork lollipop.

      I could go on, however, I won’t in the interests of decency. And taste. Even though Malcolm really pushed his luck recently and got away with it. All those chests. With minds of their own. Unlike their owners – not a very attractive bunch. I’m rambling.

      No-one gave Malcolm the flame thrower for being tactless. So leave me alone.

      PS If I find out who is impersonating Mrs T Lover I shall be uncontollably angry.

      • T Lover says:

        Aaaaah…uncontrollably. I shall be cwoss.

      • malcolm says:

        It’s not pushing one’s luck T Lover. I respect breasts and in my boundless admiration for them I am determined to showcase their true potential. Women admire my admiration.

      • T Lover says:

        Malcolm, is that you? Speaking from La La Land?

        “my boundless admiration” Malcolm, you mean you are constantly leching.

        “I am determined to showcase their true potential” Malcolm, you are going to open a lap dancing club?

        “Women admire my admiration.” Now Malcolm when I read that I knew you were hallucinating. You are telling me that when you are “admiring” – you mean staring – women admire the way you do it?

        I think they do like (if not admire) but pretend to be all huffy. They like to get one over on other women. Thus: I get lots of men looking at my common garden bird (four letters beginning with T and ending in S) and encourage it by using blow up, padded, wired, push up, push out overflowing from the top bra. But they conversely all deny what they are up to and accuse blokes of leching if they catch one having a look.

        I knew a woman who had had is it Botox? Something injected into her forehead for some obscure female reason. It went wrong and left her with a sort of frozen, dropped eyebrow. She also had a trout pout. There was no way you could look her in the face and stop yourself giggling. So you tended to look down.

        A woman who worked for her one day says to me: Miss dadada thinks you are always staring at her common garden bird, (four letters beginning with T and ending in S). You can’t win with women can you?

      • Minnow says:

        T Lover and Malcom, women have breasts – they are rounded, they curve, they bounce, they overflow – get over it! It is, in many cases, NOT an invitation to stare – just as a short skirt is not an invitation for sex. Walking around on a summer’s day in a light top that displays some bounce and cleavage and having men of all ages gawp is not, for many women, a pleasant experience – it can be very embarrassing. Learn the art of the discreet glance – you are not 16!

      • T Lover says:


        Can I, for the record, say staring at women’s breasts is not me and whilst I don’t want to cut a fellow male adrift, in Malcolm’s place I would not have put up the YouTube link – to do that in mixed company falls into the same category of behaviour as the oral sex/dinner table question albeit to a lesser degree.

        What puzzles me, however, is this: why do women use underwear to change the shape of their busts? Why do they expose them in public if they not inviting men and/or women to look at them?

      • Minnow says:

        The answer to your question, T Lover, is fashion. In the 20s garments were worn to flatten breasts, in the 50s breasts were lifted and pointed. It is fashionable now to create individual mounds from them, rather then squash them together. Bras are great works of construction! Not every fashion choice a woman makes is designed to gain male attention. Breasts are just there – jiggling about! We like to control them!

      • malcolm says:

        Ah yes, typical. I post a literally ‘uplifting” video of covered breasts, humourous but not obscene, (questionable taste, but fun) and now I must get a lecture from a perpetually indignant woman and a man who toadyingly craves the attention of such women about “staring at women”.

        I don’t need a lecture from you about breasts Minnow. In all probability I have had permission to observe and play with a larger number of breasts than you will ever have. I am aware they come in all sizes and shapes.

        From what I have posted, how would anyone come to the conclusion that I “gawp” at women. Some women (and their toadying male cohorts) can be unbelievably tiresome.

      • fi says:

        I thought it was a funny video and wasn’t offended in the least. And am working on developing my skills in that area.

      • T Lover says:

        What is or is not amusing is down to the individual is it not? I prefer something a bit more subtle than a couple of oversized silicone implants being jiggled around by hidden strings. But then I don’t have Malcolm’s sophisticated sense of humour.

        Perhaps, Malcolm you could post to YouTube a video demonstration showing how you can move your testicles with the aid of hidden strings? Given the number of women who have given you permission to “play with” them I imagine your YouTube video will be a sight to behold – a real stallion.

        Minnow, fashion? The point I was making/asking is: if you show them how can you complain if someone looks? Why show them if you don’t want someone to look?

        Fi: that is very generous of you in your circumstances. I thought you would be upset. There we go – what a toad.

      • fi says:

        T – I’m not sure why you thought I’d be upset. Re Malcolm – his sense of humour may not make everyone laugh but it is harmless and I don’t think it offensive. And I’ve never had the impression that Malcolm gawps at women, although he probably does look discretely if breasts are presented to him so to speak, as I’m sure all blokes do.

      • T Lover says:


        Well, I did worry but there we are – just a silly toady. You know perfectly well why I thought you might just be upset.

        BTW, just agreed to buy a house in Scotland with a view to working half my time from the Borders. Really, really looking forward to it. Brilliant countryside, Kelso – races, rugby, the beaches at Bamburgh, Edinburgh just up the road.

        Why would anyone want to live in London?

      • fi says:

        T -just because I have breast cancer (or rather it appears I don’t now the tumour has been removed and my lymph glands are clear – woohoo!!). It doesn’t mean that nobody should ever mention breasts in a jokey way. That would be a bit mad. I don’t agree with Minnow though re revealing breasts is not for men. As far as I know there is no fashion style that compels women to wear low cut tops and push up bras, nor is it compulsory. And women aren’t unaware that men are interested in breasts. If a women really doesn’t want a bloke to look then she puts on a cardi or fastens another button like she does on those other occasions when she keeps them covered up eg at work. There is a difference between a woman’s shirt front accidently gaping and a man taking the opprtunity to peer down it which is uninvited (although – controversial again – a sophisticated woman can intentionally make it appear accidental) and when she chooses to put them on display.

      • zoe says:

        @Fi. Lymph Glands Clear. Great 🙂

      • Jill says:

        That is excellent news, Fi. I am sure everyone could not be more pleased to hear that you have had such a good outcome. I was hoping that you would let us know. Bravo!

      • fi says:

        @Zoe. Thanks. Still have radio to go but don’t know when yet, but caught early so no need for chemo. 😆

      • T Lover says:

        Fi, high fives.

        Malcolm, have a good weekend. Take no notice of me, I’m just a Crabbit.

      • malcolm says:

        @fi, that’s great news indeed. Maybe all the finger crossing on both sides of the Atlantic is paying off. I’m very glad to hear this. This must be a relief. I’ll probably be in Glasgow in the spring (the mighty Jags are in their first cup final in over 40 years – a can’t miss), maybe you’ll be a famous socialite by then, famous for her beguiling tricks.

        @minnow, next time I’m out in public with my testicles swinging below the bottom of my shorts, I’ll tell any lady who might comment that I’m doing it for myself, not for their benefit, so they can kindly mind their own business. I’m not an object to be gawked at.

        @T-Lover, no harm no foul. Have a great weekend yourself.

      • Fi says:

        No-o-o-o-o. No testicles please. Not in Glasgow anyway 🙂
        Everyone – thanks for your good wishes.

      • maria says:

        Fi, wonderful news. So glad everything is going well for you.

      • Minnow says:

        That’s hilarious, Malcom! If I ever see a man with his testicles swinging below his shorts, I’ll think of you!!

  • Redbookish says:

    Gosh, what a lot of rather snide envious comments here. My kitchen couldn’t accommodate 21 to sit down, but my dining room could, if I brought in the kitchen table as well, and no-one minded squashing up. It’s just old friends for dinner, FFS!

    • T Lover says:

      Envious of what? The size of the fictional kitchen occupied by the arty intelligentsia?

      Or the fact that because I am not and never will be a celebrity I cannot/would not make/ask pathetic questions/comments about oral sex across a dinner table and expect to be invited again.

      Snide: guilty in an English sense. Sorry.

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you, Rebookish. This blog is not meant to be about class war. If it makes anyone happier, 21 round cobbled together tables in my friend’s kitchen, is a heck of a squash. Not that I need for a moment to justify my friend’s kitchen. Pxx

      • T Lover says:

        Class war? A year ago you (Christmas) partied twice a day for four weeks. So you said.

        I don’t care if the your Blog is founded on fact or fiction, I have enjoyed the chance to take part.

        That said, twenty three people in a kitchen, a formal meal, same people invited year in year out (your marriage the only casualty) accompanied once by someone you have never met before who could have babysat but went with you (presumably leaving the children on their own – how old do you say your children are?) etc does not really ring true nor does it hang together with last year’s account of your extensive social life nor the fact you describe yourself as “the only ever single saddo”. Jeez, what do you have to complain about?

        There are a number of people here who hang on and believe your every word. My question mark had nothing to do with class. I have no need to look up to anyone, financially, it was to do with credulity.

        If you find me over blunt I aplogise.

      • The Plankton says:

        No need to apologise. Every word I write is true. I would have thought that that was patently obvious from the way I write, but clearly I have got that wrong. Pxx

  • malcolm says:

    As a sort of defence for this particularly boorish BBC presenter, some remarkably innapropriate politically incorrect things have slipped out of my mouth from time to time when my thoughts have bypassed my mental filter and popped straight out.

    In the grand scheme of things it’s a relatively small crime, and I’m sure this particular BBC presenter poses less of a threat of ruining a wholesome Christmas gathering than Jimmy Savile did in his prime. Some incredibly strange people work (and have worked) for the BBC.

  • @ Ms. Plankton- I just learned from reading an artilce in the “Books” section of yesterday’s Times (Wed. 11/21/2012), that every year since 1993, Literary Review has been issuing an annual award for “Bad Sex In Fiction.” Believe it or not, I never knew this until yesterday afternoon- I’m neither a literary critic nor a bibliophile, and I’m don’t know about all of the annual literary awards that various book groups and publications award each year in Europe-

    I’m going to do a little bit of research about the nominating process… Ms. Plankton, is it okay with you if I nominate you for this award for Nov. 2013? I can think of NOBODY in the entire planet who is more qualified and more deserving !!! Don’t worry, I still have absolutely no idea whatsoever who you are, I’ll simply nominate you under your pen-name “Ms. Plankton” ….

    From Ms. Plankton’s writings… “…My husband and I divorced several years ago. Most of the time these days, I can’t even meet any men at all, and the few times that I do, they almost never return my phone calls or my emails- And in the very rare circumstances when we do meet for a second time, something inevitably goes disasterously wrong….”

    Ms Plankton, this award was basically created for you !!!

    • Jo says:

      Scott. This qualifies for ‘bad sex in fiction’ by P?
      Not for the first time……..

      • Jill says:

        Mmm, glad you also spotted that, Jo. I was thinking that “zero sex” would more more apt than “bad sex”, but I can never quite tell how much of Scott’s tongue is in his cheek…..!

      • The Plankton says:

        And thank you too, Jill. Please see my replies to Scott and Jo. Pxx

      • Thank you Jill, I was indeed kidding, Ms. Plankton is writing about her real life here, not a fictional character, and we do usually end up feeling sorry- However, the effect of her writing style is that it can sometimes leave the readers notably less interested in engaging in intercourse than we were before we read it, sort of the reverse effect of a romance novel, thus leading me to believe that Ms. Plankton would now be highly qualified now to write about (fictional) characters which would lead her directly to this award….

      • The Plankton says:

        Thank you, Jo. I have just replied to him and I hope cleared things up for him. He has much to learn. Pxx

    • The Plankton says:

      Scott, it is a cultural thing, but you have entirely missed the point of the Bad Sex Awards, I am afraid. Completely and totally and wholly and entirely. Let me put you in the picture. They are awarded to writers who write about sex, very badly. I never write about sex. If I did, I am sure I would write about it so badly that I would be the outright winner year in year out, but I am afraid to disappoint you because not writing about sex means I do not qualify in any shape or form, the same way as Andy Murray doesn’t bake cakes, probably, so will never qualify for the Great British Bake-Off. pxx

  • Jo says:

    No I don’t think P’s writing style ‘sometimes leaves the readers notably less interested in engaging in intercourse than we were before we read it’. Utter tosh.
    However…The effect of your (strange, unfunny) writing style leaves many readers uninterested in engaging in social intercourse with you.
    Pointless in fact.

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