Dave and Mimi

February 26, 2013 § 79 Comments

From yesterday’s Times:-

When I was young, I remember complaining that if I went to a party of, say, 100 people, sixty would be couples, thirty-five single women (including me) and five “available” men.  Two of these would be gay or asexual; two commitment-phobes or emotionally incompetent or obsessed with their mothers or thick as pigshit or famously cruel, or some other complex variant which was a nigh-on terminal bar to romantic possibility.  The last one, always the most handsome and attractive, would invariably trap me in a corner and look piercingly into my eyes and tell me how madly he love he was… with a woman called Mimi who had the physical attributes of Bardot in her prime, the intellectual ones of Simone de Beauvoir and the heart and soul of a goddess.

 

I mention this because another younger fellow has hoved into view, handsome and brilliant and talented and I see him a lot and we stay up drinking and smoking (what on earth has come over me!?) and talking all night. Oh, it’s some pathetic chasing on my part of lost youth, and a desire to live a life that at least has some edginess to it, in the absence of any hope of what I really desire once more, or at least think I do, namely long-term married intimacy and companionship.

 

Anyway, during one of these all-nighters, at about 4am, Dave told me in his cups that – tra la! – he would ravish me in a moment. I thought, gosh, men are like buses: none for several years, then two (young ones) come along at once!  There might be something in this infuriating cliche about giving off the “right vibe” after all.

 

Well, up to a point.  SYT has not “materialised” again although we still see each other and despite Dave’s conviction and bet that he will.  And Dave, for all his flattering talk, is not about to ravish me, alas, because he is dedicated to his passion for Mimi, the most perfect and beautiful creature that ever graced the earth.  She shares the passion but doesn’t entirely know it, and so for the moment it is impossible, but were he not to remain true to her, always and for ever, his whole life would be meaningless and a lie.

 

When he told me he would ravish me all night – though he used a somewhat earthier term – were it not for Mimi, I took it as a compliment and thanked him politely as if he had given me a pot of home-made jam.  I meant it too.

 

Once a plankton, if you’re anything like me, you clutch at any straw going and are preposterously grateful for the merest crumb.

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§ 79 Responses to Dave and Mimi

  • Emgee says:

    Well, one thing in this young, nontwinkle’s favor, is that he is devoted to Mimi, and will not stray. If he’s good company in the platonic sense, just enjoy it. 🙂

  • Emgee says:

    Oops, forgot to tick the follow up box

  • littlebrownbird says:

    So there is still hope P! My YT went cool on me then agreed to meet me over Easter (just as friends and nothing more) unless he could persuade me to have a one-off weekend of fun. Needless to say I cooled at the suggestion and now he is warming to me again.

    All utterly unbearable. I’d like to say I care not but it just bugs me that the vibe I must give off is sex or friendship. *sigh*

  • june says:

    Well dear P just be grateful you have any male at all in your life. Only ones in mine, are my friends dog, the one i sit, he is always pleased to see me and very affectionate, and my elderly neighbour upstairs who worries if he doesent see me for a few days, At least you have contacts,toy boys too, so be grateful. I would def pass on the smoking, no way would i start that disgusting habit for anyone, however desperate the man situation becomes.

  • Kate says:

    I really dislike it when partnered or committed men tell that “If it weren’t for … [wife/partner/whatever] .. ‘

    They seem to think it’s a compliment but really it’s not. And it’s just not fair to say that to someone who has so very little in the way of partnered, committed affection.

    • The Plankton says:

      Well, quite. But crumbs and all that… Got to pick them up where they happen to be. Pxx

    • Elle says:

      I agree Kate. In fact I think it’s rather cruel of them but young men can be tactless even though they mean well. Do these young men see P as a sort of mother substitute, only cooler?

      P, enjoy their company, but don’t fall for any of them. Indeed, you should ask them if their dad or uncles are single and looking. I’m sure the boys would give you an excellent recommendation and the dad or uncles might offer you some real cake!

      • Scott Benowitz says:

        If a woman told me that she’d like to ravish me all night, then the subsequent “if it weren’t for…” part would become notably irrelevant notably quickly….

      • The Plankton says:

        Elle, thanks, I think you have it SPOT on: mother figure, only cooler. I think that’s exactly what they think. And I am OK with that because I am not falling for them. Well, SYT a bit, but I am dealing with that. It’s under control. Just about! It’s not making me miserable, and I don’t think it will. But maybe that’s the prozac talking…? Pxx

  • rosie says:

    “Once a plankton, if you’re anything like me, you clutch at any straw going and are preposterously grateful for the merest crumb.”

    I have an ex who once claimed (luckily for him, he was an ex at the time) that ‘women in their thirties are so grateful when you chat them up’. I told him he was talking rubbish but, of course, he wasn’t.

    LBB, The only way to deal with men like that is to tell them to take a hike. You’re right, it *is* utterly unbearable. A complete head fuck and if someone did it to him he’d fall to pieces.

    The unfairness of it all just makes me want to scream. Am sick of it!

    • The Plankton says:

      The unfairness of it all indeed. Hear hear! Pxx

    • d08 says:

      Quick question Rosie…

      Should a man engage in frequent conversation with a woman on a personal level, although he knows — and has made it clear — that he doesn’t want anything romantic & doesn’t do/say anything that’s romantically suggestive?

  • rosie says:

    ps, he didn’t elaborate and I didn’t ask but I’m presuming he meant ‘single women in their thirties’.

  • Muriel says:

    I don’t see that as crumbs, I see it as a put down, and very disrespectful. The underlying assumption is that you’d be available and grateful for his attentions. It’s like being shouted at in the street by men.
    Tell the wee gobshite to come back in 10 years when he’s grown himself some pubic hair.

    • The Plankton says:

      Point taken, but I like him so he got away with it. And it helped that I was able genuinely to tell him that I wasn’t in love with him. He anyway knows my attentions lie elsewhere-ish (ie. with SYT). Pxx

  • James B says:

    In my experience, when a man tells you that he would ravish you in a moment, that (applying my now admittedly rusty) memory, you will eventually be ravished. That’s how I used to behave. In the 1920’s (or so it feels to me).

    Probably he is in love with this mythical pedestal dwelling creature. Also probably, he likes and respects you too much (as a human being) to merely use you (as he sees it) as a transient sexual vessel. But, one day you will be ravished and then this wonderful friendship may worsen or at least will change. Hey P – at least you are now very much in the game. Confidence 2.0…

    • The Plankton says:

      Thanks, James, but I am not sure I entirely feel as though I am in the game. I am almost certain this man is not going to ravish me. Though I do rather wish SYT would again… Pxx

  • Scott Benowitz says:

    Uhmm …. Cindy Gallop has still not written back to me yet- I did send an email to her 2 weeks ago…. I’m thinking that she has no intention of ever writing back to me at all now…..

  • malcolm says:

    I have no idea whether a woman is partnered or not on the rare occasions I approach them. I always assume they just enjoy a chat, which is why I approach in the first place. I had no idea it was a potential source for such anguish.
    I have no intention of causing heartbreak, so going forward I would appreciate if a woman who feels like this would simply nip the conversation in the bud by telling me “unless you are prepared to commit to me right now, please leave”. This way I won’t waste their time and they can concentrate on finding a man who’s out for a piece of tail, preferably a younger one, apparently.

    • d08 says:

      Thank you, Malcom. There’s just some mind-boggling posts going on right now.

      • fi says:

        Do you think it’s circular? The longer a woman is on her own the more embittered and mad she gets which scares away men and leads her to be on her own etc etc

      • fi says:

        If so then I’m mad too 🙂

      • zoe says:

        do8, the only reason your mind is boggling is that you and Malcolm have misread Rosie’s post. The second half of her comment is addressing the situation of littlebrownbird’s mixed-message suitor and his proposal of a “one-off weekend of fun” – not that of men striking up conversations with women over 30.

      • malcolm says:

        I knew full well that Rosie was referring to LBB’s comment. The one in which she’s holding out hope for a younger fellow who wouldn’t mind spending time with her if she puts out, otherwise is willing to just spend time with her every once in a while. A situation which bothers her, yet one she tolerates and she is happy to see him warming up to her again.

        A man behaving like that around a younger woman (exchange the sex request for a request to spend money) would be considered an old fool, perhaps called a goat or some sort of snide put down. Would anyone feel sympathy for an old fool?

        Some of the commenters on here are as knowledgeable about men as twelve year old public schoolboys are about vaginas.

      • EmGee says:

        I agree with you Malcolm, but ass you have demonstrated again and again that the same can be said for most men.

        It is why most of us appreciate it when men post here. Sometimes I don’t like what they have to say, but it has given me insight on the way men think, that I wouldn’t otherwise be privy to.

      • d08 says:

        It is circular, fi. But at least you convey a tone of being “contentedly mad.” (hence the smiley).

      • d08 says:

        @Zoe… let’s just end this right here because this “mind-boggling” perspective from many 30+ single women regarding their personal interaction w/ single males is becoming pervasive (on and off-line)… and perhaps perverse, too…

        Personal accountability.

        &

        Boundaries.

        &

        There are no victims (with the exception of rape or abuse against one’s will)…only volunteers.

        I wish you well.

      • fi says:

        I think how mad you are has a lot to do with the amount of interaction with the opposite sex you have. The less interaction the more distorted idea you have of what they’re like and the more importance you attach to having one of your own.

      • fi says:

        It’s the same as the manosphere sites which are written by men without girlfriends, and commented on by men without girlfriends, and they have such a distorted idea of what women are like it’s as though they’ve never met a real one.

      • T Lover says:

        Fi,

        To the contrary the more I have to do with women the more I realise just how bonkers they are.

        You can, like Sir Roderick Glossop, walk a bus queue and in an instant deduce: She’s nuts, she’s mad and so on.

        One ingredient of a happy relationship is to be with someone who is tolerant of one’s idiosyncrasies.

        Just a thought. Must learn how it’s done.

        Pleased to see (comment below) you are doing well.

      • fi says:

        T. “Mad” and “delusional about men” aren’t the same thing although I used the former to describe the latter. 🙂 Loads of people are mad and they become madder as they get older. The people I know who are odd were always odd, just not AS odd when they were younger but if you look closely you can see the early displays of it. I think the (almost always negative) delusional view of men/women by women/men increases the less contact they have with real live women/men until they are talking about people that don’t even exist. I love mad people personally, which is why I spend so much time noticing them. Its why I have a stalker – I didn’t scarper out of the way like other people would.

      • T Lover says:

        Fi,

        In a spin. Odd/mad/delusional far too esoteric for a no brain – me.

        But “Stalker” now you’re talking. Looked in the Urban Dictionary which came up with (amongst a lot of others) these:

        “It seems to be that the term ‘stalker’ no longer means what it used to mean–the pathological ANONYMOUS follower and tab-keeper of another person or persons……….any women who think an undesirable man might be interested in her will almost always automatically label him a stalker.”

        “A hot guy who gives you flowers is a romantic. An ugly guy who gives you flowers is a stalker.”

        “Note: Far too many idiots think they’re more important than they really are. Real stalkers seek out beautiful, interesting, and often famous members of the attractive gender. 90 percent of the people who use the term couldn’t get a real stalker to save their lives.”

        I know you are beautiful, interesting and (now) famous so we can rule out delusional. So what about this stalker? Spill the beans.

        And before I have the skin boiled off my body by a blast from the Fi flamethrower can I say that if there was an emoticon for having your leg pulled I would add it now – if of course I was a woman because women have to add these little yellow circles to show emotion/intention.

      • zoe says:

        🙂 Good to see you back on form, TLover.

      • fi says:

        T. You are right in saying I am beautiful and interesting.
        However my stalker is a mad woman who spends part of the time locked away having psychiatric treatment and I only see her in between times.

      • T Lover says:

        Mrs T Lover?

      • T Lover says:

        Aunty Fi,

        What shall I do? I have been having an up and down relationship with a woman I like 80% of the time. The other 20% I spend wondering if I would be better on my own. I am in 20% time at the moment.

        Eighteen months ago I “met” but never met (internet dating for you) a rather eccentric girl who makes me laugh. I tried to meet her but she always made a last minute excuse. Now she has become mad keen. Every week she asks me if we could get together.

        Now I am making the excuses. She is too young (minus fifteen years) and a long way away from the Derbyshire Hills (180 miles south) and I want to migrate north when my new house is sorted and, and if the girl I am 80% with found out my nuts would be hanging from a tree.

        But I am not happy. What shall I do? I am going south on my own this weekend.

      • fi says:

        T. Meet the younger one. She might be right for you but you’ll never know if you don’t give it a shot. Get rid of the 80 percent one. Life’s too short to spend any of it with someone who is a pain in the ass, especially if you’re quite happy being on your own. And anyway if you move there will be more plankton type women to meet, and some of them will be sane.

      • T Lover says:

        But fifteen years is too much – is it just my ego driving me to meet her?

        And Soerset – Derbyshire – Borders is 400 miles. Each way. No such thing as the perfect woman. 80% isn’t too bad.

        Don’t you think I would be better off without the hassle of either and. Not sure what and is.

      • T Lover says:

        Fi,

        Should I wear a jellyfish outfit made from an unbrella or do you think that might put her off?

      • fi says:

        Sorry T my earlier reply vanished. But no 15 years isn’t “too much”. My brother’s girlfriend is 15 years younger than him but despite being blonde, clever and model like she’s great.
        Meet her half way – don’t go all the way to meet her. Get her to invest effort too. If you’re sure its not going to go anywhere and can’t be bothered than just don’t bother and give her up too.
        80 percent may be enough for you – I look for 90-95 percent and don’t find it – but it doesn’t sound as though the pleasure outweighs the pain and there are plenty more fish in the sea. Esp plankton fish. I would forget the internet dating personally (too much effort for uncertain gains) and just get out and about joining things where women are. If you move somewhere else then there’ll be a whole new pile of women to meet. And in that pile there will be ok ones.

      • T Lover says:

        Fi,

        You read some nonsense comments in response to the posts on this blog.

        In my limited experience women can be just as calculating and predatory as men.

        I am just an ordinary bloke, a bloke you wouldn’t look at twice. So, please forgive me for being immodest if you see what I mean.

        I have never knowingly been chased by a (significantly) older woman.

        I have, however, been chased by significantly younger women. Biggest gap for me – a girl I used to work with years ago, now split up from her husband, now living abroad. Gap 23 years. Had an eMail this week saying (in effect): was it over between us? I don’t answer her email.

        Are these women desperate? Can’t get someone their own age? Or in the female brain is something hard wired to make them want to connect with an older bloke? The older wallet?

        It is not funny but I started catching flies when I read about that Nottingham “family” charged with manslaughter.

        He was 56. His wife 31 and his girlfriend 29. He slept outside in a caravan and the two women took turns to sleep with him. Did the wife have six children?

        To me 50:35 is pretty much acceptable. 35:20 looks seedy. But as you get older the gap becomes much more obvious (and dangerous if the woman is still keen on nooky and he can’t) until one day the wife becomes a nurse.

        Anyway, enough of this. I was going to tell you a vulgar story about radiotherapy but have had second thoughts. So, try this: do you recall that ring of Pakistani/Asian men from Rochdale who were grooming underage girls for sex? They’ve charged another. Jamail Fix-it.

      • fi says:

        “In my limited experience women can be just as calculating and predatory as men.” Yes some are.
        “Are these women desperate? Can’t get someone their own age? Or in the female brain is something hard wired to make them want to connect with an older bloke? The older wallet?” Don’t know – there’s a lot of desperate men and women as you must know already. In my brother’s case they just get along brilliantly and have the same sense of humour. They’re both eccentric.
        Anyway re your point about a nurse – I think you’re getting a bit ahead of yourself. Who knows what the future will bring, just enjoy what’s happening now. 🙂

      • T Lover says:

        Fi,

        Thank you for your advice.

        Had a long soak in the bath this morning and came to this conclusion: can’t be bothered to run after anyone 200 miles away. Too much to do. Can’t easily get to know a girl at that distance.

        Change of subject. The theme of this blog is: I am a middle aged, divorced woman with two bambinos. I am therefore at the bottom of the sexual heap.

        Not sure how that proposition lies with drinking, smoking and a triangular dalliance with two younger men.

        Another change. EmGee. How does your new bloke react if you have an emotional flashback to your late husband? Mistress 80% is a widow. Her eyes can suddenly fill as some memory hits her. Understandable but a bit disconcerting.

      • The Plankton says:

        Even “dalliance” is putting it a bit strong, alas. Pxx

      • EmGee says:

        T Lover: “Another change. EmGee. How does your new bloke react if you have an emotional flashback to your late husband? ”
        Like divorce or any other parting after a long term relationship, I think a lot depends on how the survivor gets along after the event. There are memories of my marriage everywhere, in fact we built our house together. Even though we weren’t on good terms when I lost him, I had always had the hope that he would turn things around, and even after his passing 3 years ago this month probably not a day goes by that I am not reminded of him. Feb – April are the hardest: Wedding anniversary in Feb, death in March, his birthday in April. Every year it gets easier, but the first 2 were the hardest. One tries to get on with life, and may even give the outward appearance of that, but there are emotions coming from our heart can never explain to our brains. So to answer your question:

        He himself was a widower at a very young age, so he has some idea of my feelings already – and some issues are more sensitive than others. Some things are just life going by: One of original faucets in the lav began to leak, so we bought a replacement and installed it. Pretty routine, but for me that leaky faucet represented a part of the house from my previous married life that had to be thrown away. Perhaps that is a metaphor for being with a widow/er. One will never forget the previous spouse, but little by little, things that were important from the ‘old past’ will be replaced by things and events in the ‘new life’ I am sharing with my bf.

        Sorry I can’t get inside his head and extract a more direct answer to your question. It appears that after 2 years, he accepts my late husband’s faults and accomplishments, without feeling like he has to fix past harms that weren’t his doing to begin with, or feel like he is competing with my late husband’s accomplishments.

        I hope this insight is helpful to you, T.

      • T Lover says:

        Mistress Blogger, Head Girl,

        A girlfriend (a friend who is a girl) has intermittent bouts of depression. She is at her wild best when she is on uppers and has had a drink.

        EmGee,

        Thank you.

        I shouldn’t make fun of a sensitive subject but an illustration with an apology.

        She was working. I was spending the day cleaning her flat. “What’s in this box (heavy, a foot square and nine inches deep) at the side of the bed?”

        Answer: “my husband”.

        What on earth do I say?

        She can go weeks without any mention of the past, then, without rhyme nor reason, floods of tears.

        Hey ho.

      • EmGee says:

        T Lover:
        “Answer: “my husband”.”
        If it were me, I would simply tell her that with this information, I will handle the container with extra care.
        It is amazing how many people who keep ashes ‘in the box’ indefinitely, simply because they don’t know exactly how to deal with them. But it’s up to her what to do with them, if you feel uncomfortable knowing you are sharing/may one day share the bedroom with his ashes, you may want to discuss that.

        “She can go weeks without any mention of the past, then, without rhyme nor reason, floods of tears.”
        Something unexpectedly prompts a memory, which in turn prompts an emotional response. Give her a hug, and let her know that it’s okay to have these feelings. Some people are more emotional than others, some are more likely to display these emotions. I don’t know how long it has been since she lost him, but sometimes it is hard to let go.

      • T Lover says:

        EmGee,

        Two years.

        I understand everything that you say. The problem is, to a degree me. I have no feminine side which, in all probability would be a factor in the mix when both the women to whom I have been married decided to leave.

        My Brother, twenty three years later, still has a holiday on the anniversary of our Mother’s death. I struggle to remember the date. I can’t remember my children’s birthdays – hopeless.

        So the fact that two years on the husband’s dressing gown is still behind the bathroom door, his jacket over the chair in the study is difficult to understand. It is as though she doesn’t want to move on – perhaps not ready for a new relationship.

        Anyway, how is the EmGee art coming on? Sold anything?

      • EmGee says:

        @ T Lover – Thanks for asking about the art, I’m not making a living at it, but I keep going, selling here and there.

        On the one hand, it sounds like you lack a certain degree of empathy (I don’t believe emotions are gender specific and that one needs to have a ‘feminine side’ to be sympathetic, or a ‘masculine side’ to be brave – we all have different personality traits in different measure). On the other hand, I understand the ashes, but if after 2 years, your gf still has inconsequential things like clothing still just as he left them, either she isn’t ready to let go of him, or maybe she has just stalled out. Maybe doesn’t even realize that these things make another person uncomfortable. Have you discussed this with her? Offered to help gather his things and either store them, give them to charity, pass them on to children, etc?

        For me, getting rid of things like clothing was easy, it was things like when I had to clean out the cabinet under the sink to replace that faucet a few weeks ago, did I finally toss out his accumulation of foot powder, aftershave, shampoo, etc. Not long after he passed, I sold some of his larger tools and things because I needed the money, but most of it gathered dust and just cluttered up the garage for nearly 2 years. I finally hired someone to have an estate sale. My bf was very supportive and helpful, helping sort things out and deciding whether to keep something or not, reminding me how freeing it would be once all of this material stuff was no longer underfoot.

        Even though we weren’t on good terms when he died, we did have some good times in the 15 years we were together, and I do still have some mementos from vacations and the like. Things that remind me of the person he was before his downward spiral. And of course, it is hard to ignore the house I live in. I am not advocating removing all trace of her husband’s existence, just make an attempt to not make it seem like you are sharing the space with a 3rd person. Off topic, but I think most of us are so materialistic, we forget that our possessions are just ‘stuff’ and we shouldn’t be emotionally attached to it all.

        Everyone has a part in relationships, and the thing is to communicate, even if it is a difficult subject. If something bothers you, don’t think she will eventually suss it out, because in the meantime you will get resentful waiting for her to figure it out, if she ever does. Or – if that is too uncomfortable, accept the situation the way it is, because she is the one who has to change it, if she wants too.

        Good luck T, it sounds like you like this woman enough to look for answers to your predicament. The very trait that annoys you, her devotion to her husband, is probably also a trait you admire in her; the sense that she is loyal to those she loves no matter what, including you.

      • T Lover says:

        EmGee,

        Thank you – again.

        Just landed at the office and read your reply. In a huge hurry so forgive me for the brevity of this response – or perhaps you will be relieved.

        The art. I trawl the sales every day for 19th century angling art. An addict.

        It amazes me how low the prices of pictures in general can be. Skilled draughtsmanship, a lot of work time wise – a half decent new frame can be £100.00 – visually pleasing but despite all sold for peanuts. Masses of hangable pictures to every taste for not much more than the cost of a heavy night out.

        Then you see a diamond encrusted platinum skull by Damien Hurst and wonder if the world has gone mad. It is not even Hirst. How much effort did he put into it? It really is a case of the King’s new clothes. The morality stinks.

        What appeals, what sells is a mystery to me.

        Your response was in several respects uncomfortably astute. Were I honest question one is not whether I can rub along with her rather whether she is prepared to rub along with an insensitive old crabbit like me and question two is am I better on my own?

        Must fly. Thanks again

    • d08 says:

      @fi…if that’s directed at me…that’s hardly the case. All I talk with is women. I love women, and we have meaningful interpersonal relationships. But they’re rooted in reality or at least I make it clear what their reality is with me. I rarely hang out with guys…I’d be a feminist if I could! Many of the comments on this page from women would actually set back the feminist movement. Definitely not mad…I just want women to stop devaluing their existence and/or allowing so much of their self worth to be determined by children/marriage/boyfriend/husband.

      Much success to you…and please limit the assumptions.

      • fi says:

        Er…it’s about men who write the manosphere sites or comment on them. So unless you’re one of them then no, it’s not directed at you 😀

      • maria says:

        “Many of the comments on this page from women would actually set back the feminist movement.
        I just want women to stop devaluing their existence and/or allowing so much of their self worth to be determined by children/marriage/boyfriend/husband.”

        @d08, hear, hear!

      • fi says:

        Agree with you Maria. But it’s not going to happen. 🙂

      • maria says:

        Hi, Fi. How have you been doing?

      • fi says:

        Great thanks for asking. Radio finished and I’m signed off work at the moment so I spend the morning doing chores that have needed doing for years – like cleaning out the attic – and the afternoon napping. Have also been having a weekly facial and going to additional yoga classes. So am just having a delightful recuperation period. Back to work in a couple of weeks though 😦

      • maria says:

        Fi, glad to hear you’re doing fine.

  • therugbymom says:

    Hmmm. I was going to suggest you get busy working on a devious plan to help Mimi suffer an unfortunate accident that takes her out of the picture. You could be right there in hot standby ready for ravishing! But I think – even if he is the most handsome, intelligent, personable guy on the planet – you really don’t want to be anyone’s second choice.

    I want a guy who will put me first – ahead of other women, liquor, cards, horse races, career – whatever. He doesn’t have to give up those other things. He just needs to love me more. And in return, I will totally worship him. Fair is fair.

    • Elle says:

      “I want a guy who will put me first – ahead of other women, liquor, cards, horse races, career – whatever.”

      Don’t you think that’s asking too much of a man? I agree that he should put you ahead of liquor (alcohol), gambling or anything else that’s addictive, but men need space to do their own thing.

      I hope you wouldn’t expect a man to put you ahead of his children – that would be really selfish.

      • therugbymom says:

        Of course it goes without saying that children come first, but at my age, it’s time for offspring to be independent. I would expect him to leave all his money to his kids & grandchildren. He can have other interests, vices, & “space”, but when he is with me, I need him to be with me.

        I see my friends stuck in marriages that are dead, or others who have switched to the other team because there just aren’t any men available. I had a husband who had a steady job. I tossed him out – someone else snatched him up – and she is thrilled to death to have him. I shouldn’t judge them for doing what works for them. I hope I’m wrong. I hope they are happy.

        I realize my expectations are completely unrealistic, and I’m OK with that. I refuse to settle. I may have regrets, but I’m not going to regret wasting any more time trying to fit someone else’s idea of what I should be. And I’m really glad that my kids are cool with me doing my own thing. They will support me & my fantasy.

        Miss P is in a league way ahead of me. She is out there in the real world doing it – socializing with real people. She just might bump into someone worthy of her affection soon. And she will be ready.

      • The Plankton says:

        Thank you so much, though I can promise you I don’t feel as though I am in any league! Pxx

      • Elle says:

        Rugbymom, why did you “toss out” a good husband? If he wasn’t violent or abusive I’m not surprised that the other woman is delighted to have him.

        In my darkest moments I think that women who get rid of perfectly good husbands deserve to be alone. However that’s unfair, if these women aren’t happy with their husbands it’s only right that they liberate them to find someone who does appreciate them.

        I wonder if married women who get rid of good husbands realise that once he is gone they are unlikely to find anyone as good, indeed unlikely to find anyone a fraction as good?

      • The Plankton says:

        Or, indeed, any one at all…? Pxx

      • PY says:

        I cant answer that question, Elle, you’ll have to ask Mrs XY .

    • fi says:

      I wouldn’t be able to worship anyone and nobody deserves it. And I wouldn’t want to be either. I’d prefer to be wanted despite my failings than for someone to pretend/be so deluded as to think I didn’t have any.

      • therugbymom says:

        Elle, I had a husband who was a good provider, wanted to have sex once a year, and didn’t hit me. I didn’t think that was quite enough to qualify as a “good husband”. He was miserable. I was miserable. Our kids didn’t even want to come over because it was just too uncomfortable to be around us.

        I set him free. He said he didn’t want to be free, but he sure didn’t waste any time moving on. That’s OK. Really. I still care enough that I’m happy for him & his new woman. They are perfect for each other. I’m just very shocked that he started seeing someone so quickly!

        After reading this blog, I realize that maybe he was scooped up by this woman who had known him for a while. Good for her!

      • The Plankton says:

        My belief is that one has about ten minutes tops between a man being booted out by his wife and before he hooks up with another women. NB tops! Pxx

    • The Plankton says:

      Indeed! Just rather hard to pull off, being someone’s first choice at my ripe old age (and even not at my ripe old age!), I’ve found. Pxx

  • rosie says:

    Elle, if the situation in Ireland is as bad as you say it is (and I believe you) for women wanting a monogamous relationship, but you’re happy to share a bloke, surely you must be able to find any number of willing accomplices? Or maybe I’m reading it wrong.

  • rosie says:

    Aw, I’m sure that’s not the case!

    I sometimes wish I was able to share as it really does seem to be either that or nothing, but I just can’t so there’s no point in trying. I do fleetingly consider contacting my most recent ex (from, the shame of it, nearly seven years ago) as I reckon he’d be up for a roll in the hay if his attempts to get back in touch all this time are anything to go by. But then I remember how I felt when it ended and hold that thought. Then of course, there’s an extra six and a bit years of wrinkles, bags and pouches… Nice.

  • rosie says:

    Then again, I don’t even know anyone I could share. Tragic.

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