A Banal Thought That’s Been Thought Many Times Before But Is Now Being Thought By Me

June 7, 2013 § 307 Comments

Sometimes I wish I could get into a man’s head, or be a man for a few days, just to try to get to the bottom of them, as it were.  Banal and unoriginal thought for the day: if women could understand men and men women, there’d be a whole let less heartache and shit going down.

I suppose it could be said that the SYT has graduated from a mere twinkle, but only with a 3rd class degree, alas.  Although he’s deigned to sleep with me more than once, he’s kind of a twinkle still because I never know when he’s next going to be deigning, which is demeaning, but entirely my own fault.  You get your Chinese torture Brazilian and you think is this worth the candle (ha! Wax! Geddit?)?  £40 fucking quid down the fucking drain (eyelash tint and half-leg wax into the mix), and for mine and mine (rather snooty) waxer’s eyes only.  Fucking waste or WHAT?  Would have been better spent on a year’s supply of blinking baked beans for the resident teenage vacuums!  But I live in doormat-y hope of a dint of deigning.  Am spending a night out with him, just us, in a day or two, and I got the bloody Brazilian this morning (is that dignified at my age or too fricking weird and unmentionable for words?  Does anyone under the age of 35 know of the existence of pubic hair?  The planktons’ dilemma.  Actually, let’s not go there).  But I haven’t got an effing clue how things are going to pan out: either, get your clothes off or thanks but no thanks.  Guess that’s what comes of cavorting with the Younger.

Still, though I am not a believer in “right vibes” (so elusive and nebulous and dispiriting for those of us who spend most our lives apparently putting out the wrong kind), there must be something going on in the immediate space around me for today, age-appropriate (Mid-fifties I’m guessing) Gary – whose last girlfriend, he recently told me to the toneless background noise of barcode beeping, had run off with another woman – asked me out.  Gary works at the checkout of my local supermarket.  He is a honey.  Always friendly and chatty over the conveyor belt and the journeying strawberry milk and sausages.  He grapples with his weight, which must be around the 24 stone mark, he billows over his chair but is always smiling and cheerful about his battle with buns.  His teeth are something of a challenge, those of them which remain in his twinkly head.  Some of them are gold, which isn’t such a good look on teeth, but they match his heart, something which a great many more people could do with (hearts at all, let alone gold ones).

I knew it took him some courage to ask me out and I hope I turned down his kind offer with a grace that did not challenge his dignity or hurt him.  I said I was so flattered and the offer was much appreciated but that the man in my life (oh yeah? Who he?) might think it was a little inappropriate for me to be having coffee with someone else.  I wish.  Anyway, Gary smiled and understood and said with no trace of bitterness that he had imagined as much.

The other day, a very rich man who lives in Belgravia whom I met at a party also asked me out (dinner and a night in his spare room, ho hum).  But I turned him down too.  Again, at no cost to his dignity I trust.  I said that he might have been given a false impression by a mutual friend of ours that I was single, but that I wasn’t exactly so (white lie: I manifestly am), and therefore it might be misleading and inappropriate if I were to accept his kind invitation but that I was so happy to have been asked, and thank you.  He said that should my circumstances change in the future…  Blushes spared all round.  You never hear about the askings out and turnings down that happen elegantly and kindly.  Hardly headline stuff, but one of the quiet,  modest, occasional nuggets about human nature.  On both occasions, even though Gary and Belgravia Bloke were not for me, it was nice (feeble word, but in this case spot on; no more, no less) to be asked.

If only I had the courage to ask what precisely is going on in the Younger’s (formerly known as SYT) head?  Of course I do know.  Doophur (doofer?) or what?  He’s Just That Not Into Me.

So, Mrs Daniels, what attracted you to millionaire Paul?  So, Mr Younger, why the occasional dick-driven deigning?

I like the guy.  But fuck him.

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§ 307 Responses to A Banal Thought That’s Been Thought Many Times Before But Is Now Being Thought By Me

  • Yeah, fuck him. You write so well, I love your honesty. Dating is a huge head-fuck I’m finding. Best of luck 🙂

  • Kelvin says:

    Yes, if women and men could understand each other better then it would take away part of the heartache. (But arguably, also part of the fun?)

    I cannot speak for all men but let me tell you how I see it. Most men (including SYT it appears) will take the opportunity to have sex with a woman they find attractive. Some men (not all) will hold back if either party is married, attached, etc but as I understand it no such complications arise in your case. As a generalisation, men find it easier than women to have sex with someone without it having that much emotional involvement.

    It looks like SYT is interested enough to want sex with you occasionally but apparently not any more interested than that. You have two choices. First is you accept those terms. Best to do this only if you can happily set him emotionally aside between “deigns” and if the sex and the ego-boost outweigh the frustrations, Brazilian and otherwise.

    The alternative is to wait until he next deigns and then to say “nah, don’t think so, not tonight”. One of two things will follow. The most likely is that he will not ask again or at least not for a longer period. But at least you will feel more in control and less at his beck and call.

    It is just possible that your “no” will shock him into realising you mean more to him than he thought – men (and women) often discount what is readily available and prize that which is not. Yes, now we are on to another US Relationships Classic – :The Rules.

    So, which choice you make depends on which of the probable outcomes you prefer: going along with an occasional “deign” as it seems worth it even if it is infrequent, or probably not having sex with SYT ever again or at least for a long time. If the current situation is likely to make you less ready to be there for a more suitable partner than supermarket man then that is another argument in favour of turning SYT down next time round.

    Is Belgravia man even remotely possible as a future partner? If yes, why not say “yes” to dinner and “no” to the spare room – at least on a first date?

    I have a strong feeling that I have said absolutely nothing which you did not already know. The only possibility that I have not been wasting your time and mine is if it adds value to have what you already know confirmed by ” a man”. (I am writing, by the way, from a location which is closer in all ways than Mars.)

    Good luck. I love your writing and honesty. Keep us in touch as and when you fel like it.

    • Fi says:

      The third option of course is to have sex knowing it’s nothing more than that, and pretend to yourself that he will spontaneously decided you are the woman for him. Which I think is what you’ve already tried. But that outcome only happens in the moves. In chick flicks in particular.

    • The Plankton says:

      Kelvin, really thank you. Hey, you may not have written anything I didn’t already know, but it was good to read, not least from the man’s POV, which I always welcome, obv. Pxx

  • justanotherman says:

    Sensible comments by Kelvin to which I would add a couple re the Brazilian. Don’t assume that all men prefer it. Many of us enjoy “au naturel” and the bushier the better. But why not just ask? Anyone who has had a few partners can vouch for a number of things which are pretty self evident. I hope I’m not teaching you to suck eggs but…..sex is always better when you each know what your partner likes and then its up to you if you want to play that way. The shortcut to finding this out is just to ask , and often the less mature ( or younger ) of the couple is blown away by the directness. Quite apart from the hair styling it also applies to whatever else turns you on ( or off ) spanking, talking dirty, backwards, forwards, upside down, threesomes, foursomes, onesomes or swinging from the chandelier. It is very liberating to cut the crap and just start talking sex and what you want from it. Give it a go. You’ve already got over the first time, which is rarely the best so go for it.
    So , in conclusion , yes, a second man confirms Kelvins comments and just remember, for some strange reason often the negative thoughts are often all ” just in your head”

  • teapot says:

    Your line about Gary’s gold teeth mathching his heart was so charming – bought a huge smile to my face. Exquisite writing x

  • nick says:

    Sorry I wansn’t about the other day, I twisted my neck…..yes I’m sure some of you would like me to twist my neck right round….or maybe its god smite-ing me for waving my sword of truth….anyways….

    Perhaps if women did get inside a man’s head, they might come up with the answer why so many men choose foreign wives. Why is it one thai office deals with between 100-200 fiancé visa applications each week.? Are they all undesirable losers, or those that just “don’t cut it”? 10yrs ago it was men in their 50’s and 60’s looking for love; but this figure has dropped today to men in their 40’s being their biggest client base….even men younger are approaching agencies for a wife. What are the reasons I wonder??

    • Fi says:

      i would say it’s because they can. There’s nothing new about introduction agencies and in fact they’ve been around since the 17th century. Nowadays though because of technological advances and more disposable income, men don’t have to pick from the women in this country. Why they decide to look elsewhere though is another matter, and I think it’s because they don’t like the ones here very much, or don’t have any luck with them. Well actually they look abroad after they’ve failed with women here, not before they’ve looked here so it’s actually not a first choice. While i don’t think there is anything wrong with looking elsewhere, i do wonder why the women of this country aren’t right for the men who do this. And I might be completely wrong but my gut feeling is that now women work, and socialise, and look good, and have their own money and an education, some men who would previously have been the only way out of a life of living with your parents and enduring the stigma of being called a spinster are no longer valued as much. So the men who go abroad do so because the women here don’t want them. 40 years ago they would have still been unmarried or have ended up with unattractive women (no other options) or ended up with women who were grateful to have them as they had limited alternative options.

      • Kelvin says:

        We are getting rathe a long way from The Plankton’s blog here…but a big reason UK men go for women from places like Thailand is that culturally they are much more likely to be compliant and submissive and to fit in with whatever “the man of the house” (!) wants. That is until they get their brother round to murder him so they can run off with his cash…

      • Fi says:

        i do actually know a man who married a Thai woman that he met while they both worked in the same place. everyone assumed he’d bought her, and regardless of how you dress it up I would imagine it’s difficult to feel proud if everyone thinks you have to resort to buying your wife.

      • nick says:

        many men still go though, time waits for no man – and when your on your death-bed, do you want to have lived a life becuase of the opinions of others? or one in the persuit of happiness?

      • The Plankton says:

        In the pursuit of happiness, however elusive. For sure. Pxx

      • fi says:

        Happiness without a doubt. 🙂

    • malcolm says:

      “….even men younger are approaching agencies for a wife. What are the reasons I wonder??”

      I assume that this was meant as a passive/aggressive rhetorical question, so I will answer with rhetoric.
      There are a variety of reasons why men would choose to look overseas for love. Some may well be losers, others may be looking for someone much younger, others may have some fixation on certain types of women, etc. etc. Some of the reasons may be offensive to local women, others may not be.

      I am curious as to why you choose to post this here – is this your way of admonishing western women?

      • Jo says:

        Malcolm.
        Yep.
        Everything Nick has posted has been about ‘admonishing western women’.
        Everything.
        There’s nothing like generalisation, based on one’s own ‘pattern’ of experiences..

  • Sarah says:

    I wouldn’t go through a Brazilian for any man. Smartened up down there maybe, but a Brazilian? No way! My DB doesn’t like the pre-pubescent look either.

    You’re behaving like a doormat, P. If you want him to come round for a shag, text him. If he says no, ask again a few days later if he doesn’t ask you first.

  • LADIES, PLEASE DON’T WAX just for us- If you like the the look or if it makes you feel better, then by all means do so…..

    some of us seriously enjoy slowly stroking our fingers back and forth through that thick and luscious carpeting… and back … and forth …. and back ….. and forth ….. and back and forth and back and forth and slowly back…. andforthandbackandforthandbackandforth and …. back …. and forth…. andbackandforthandbackandforwards and….

    I think perhaps it’d be for the best if I stop now…..

    • Fi says:

      Scott. You are getting creepier by the day.

      • Fi- Have you started to read “Drink, Play, F@#k: One Man’s Search For Anything Across Ireland, Vegas And Thailand” yet?

      • fi says:

        It arrived this morning (1.99 from amazon) as it’s not available on kindle. I shall be taking it on holiday with me on Monday though and will read it on the plane.

      • fi says:

        Just started on it and I’ve got to the landing in Las Vegas. Its amusing and well written – I guess we need Elle to read it and tell us if it accurately represents Dublin.

      • Elle says:

        I haven’t read it yet, but when I do I will let you know. Has he been to Davy Byrnes, Keoghs, Bruxelles, Nearys or McDaids? All highly recommended Dublin pubs in the Grafton Street area.

      • L- not much of a substitute for the real thing, but as far as sex comedies go, I highly recommend “Drink, Play, F@#k: One Man’s Search For Anything Across Ireland, Vegas And Thailand” by Andrew Gottlieb (Grove Atlantic/ Black Cat Press, 2009)….

    • EmGee says:

      😀 Scott! You should have stopped after the first paragraph!

      But you are so right, if one has something like a brazilian done only to please someone else, then you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of it if you stay together.

      Imo, I think this may be a large part of the ‘(s)he has let him/herself go’ syndrome. People try so hard to go out of their way to do what pleases another, but if it isn’t inherent in them to do so naturally, keeping it up for a lifetime is onerous.

      • I’m so unhip to bloggers lingo- I had to look it up- “in my opinion”- (“International Maritime Organization” didn’t make sense there….)

        – — – – — – – – – – – –

        what’s wrong with my second paragraph? I really enjoy touching a woman like that…. (can’t get any more visually descriptive than that without Ms. P. having to moderate my comment, this is supposed to be a family- friendly blog site)

      • Jo says:

        Scott. ‘This is supposed to be a family friendly blog site’?
        A ‘family friendly’ blog site?
        Don’t talk utter crap…..( Though actually it figures as you mostly do anyway…)

      • The Plankton says:

        This is not supposed to be a family-friendly blog. My language alone makes it an 18, I hope. xx

      • EmGee says:

        🙂 Scott, look up ‘TMI’ too!
        (I always feel that putting the ‘h’ in imho is an oxymoron)

        Although I am glad to hear there are men out there who aren’t turned on by the prepubescent look, I only wish there were a way to tell one from the other *before* there is a chance of getting in the sack with them, so one can be prepared. As it is, it is a silly waste of money like Ms P said, and oh holy mother of god, when it starts to grow back in…. 😯

      • malcolm says:

        When it starts to grow back in give Scott a ring. He knows what to do with it.

      • EmGee says:

        🙂 As long as he brings a tube of stubble salve…, meanwhile, I’ll be studying up on crop circle patterns….

      • maria says:

        “When it starts to grow back in give Scott a ring. He knows what to do with it.” 😆

      • fi says:

        Funniest line I’ve read in a long time

      • MG- had to look that one up too, believe it or not I did not actually know that stubble salve exists….

      • EmGee says:

        🙂 Actually, after trying many products with far less success than their claims would suggest, I have found that facial moisturizer seems to work the best.

        But salve could be fun….

  • malcolm says:

    It’s pretty simple really, there’s not terribly much to understand. SYT will continue his unenthusiastic courtship until he meets someone that he feels completely satisfied with. When a man meets a woman he truly wants there will be no ambiguity in his actions, he will move mountains.
    Sometimes it’s difficult to end relations with a woman, and it’s easier to continue on continuing on than make a clean break. One can always hope that some grand external circumstance will happen or that the woman parachutes out on her own accord before things get too snippy and the man has to have “the conversation”. In today’s society where manners are less valued than they used to be, many men believe that just fading away is a viable option.

    • Jill says:

      I agree with you, Malcolm, about folk finding it easier to fade away than to “man (or woman!) up” and have “the conversation”. I discovered that in my very first post-separation relationship, when the man concerned did just fade on me, much to my distress and puzzlement. I had thought that things were going really well on balance, but had not realised that he was unable to cope with various external matters and it was a case of “last in, first out” i.e. little old me…..He later did tell me why he had backed away, but it didn’t prevent me feeling utterly miserable all over that Christmas and New Year. Better by far to say “This has gone as far as I want it to go/we are not right for each other/ or even the old chestnut “It’s me not you”…..just don’t leave someone wondering and waiting. It’s not kind.

    • The Plankton says:

      You said it exactly as it is Malcolm. More fool me. But I am going to Soho this afternoon to get pissed with him and then on with him to see a former lover of mine playing at an arena, though I’ve no plans to take the Younger backstage. That meeting would be too fucking weird. xx

    • Muriel says:

      Malcolm
      You’re dead right.
      I would add, to those who suggest playing hard to get, it is a big old waste of energy. It may temporarily piqué his interest but not for long. Plus it is demeaning to play games.

  • PY says:

    Hi P , been a while

    I don’t believe there are many who are happy being confronted with bared loins resembling a burst mattress but I am with Sarah on this one. A quick tidy up of the topiary is more than sufficient for me. Anything else smacks of exhibitionism or even subjogation but each to their own.

    A new word learned today through the unlikely hand of the Archbishop of Canterbury – ‘Onanist’ (see Times article). Clearly, I’ve led a sheltered life but a quick Google led me to an address on the subject by Mark Twain to the ‘Stomach Club’ . Worth a read if only for the quote he attributed to Caesar , “to the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a benefactor”.

    I digress.

    If a quick rumble betwixt the sheets with SYT is all that you are after and you are in control of the situation, indeed taking advantage of it, then fine. But, I am just not convinced that you are. Having been down the ‘Friends with Benefits’ route too often, it may well provide temporary relief (even comfort) for both parties but I remain uncovinced that it is good for the soul.

    However, the aggregate head of ‘Plankton’ in the UK , nay the World, must be one of the greatest natural resources known to humankind which still remains, relatively untapped. Just think of all that experience accumulated through countelss relationships. The emotional, intellectual, physical and sexual energy yearning to be deployed in fresh partnerships.

    As for ‘Belgravia Man’, I glanced out of the window and I’m pretty sure that I spotted ‘Lydia’ hot-footing it in that general direction. After one of your off-casts, Ms P.

    PS The butcher adjoining had a billboard outside announcing “Father’s Day! Get Dad some fresh meat for this weekend!” I don’t quite know what to make of that.

    • Jill says:

      Well, the butcher is being a tad previous in that case, PY, as Fathers’ Day isn’t this weekend but next – Sunday 16th June to be precise…..

  • I remember reading in The Times online a couple of months ago that some of these spas now offer the option of having various shapes of your choice shaved in, during “waxing”-

    Personally, I’d love nothing more than to undress a woman and see the shape of one of the Alton Priors crop circles there !!! : ) ☺

    • Jo says:

      Scott. What did I say about you often talking complete shite? Oh yes, I remember now……
      Not even amusing…
      Wtf is the point of your postings, I frequently wonder..?
      Guess it passes the time. For you.

      • nick says:

        no worries, i like scotts postings – confusing and comical……has scott rubbed any genies lamps lately??

  • EmGee says:

    Lots of really honest responses to your post, Ms P, hope you don’t find it distressing. I believe you are still after a longtime relationship that includes marriage, and by your description, SYT isn’t going in that direction. I agree with Kelvin’s suggestion that you decline the next offer for bedroom recreations, and see what happens.

    As for using your tenuous relationship with SYT as an excuse to turn down Gary and the Belgravian:

    What I read between the lines was not so much that you used that excuse because you were actually spoken for (which you seem doubtful about), but to say so gives others the impression that you are already desired by someone who doesn’t weigh 24 stone (heart of gold notwithstanding), or only wants to wine and dine you for between the sheets time later. In other words, only a boost for your ego, egos being famous for their insatiable appetites and false assurances.

    Damn egos, cause nothing but trouble.

    • The Plankton says:

      Quite, quite, EmGee. Not distressed, I promise, a certain amount of consolation having been sought and found elsewhere…More of which anon; maybe. I am being deliberately obscure. Pxx

  • Alison says:

    Hi P
    I do agree with the men here, if SYT was really that bothered you would know about it. Put crudely it seems you are a viable alternative for his hand when he can be bothered to come and see you.

    Do you really want that, again fine if you can cope with it and just go your merry way but your blog doth protests otherwise, say ‘no’ next time and see what happens. You might get a nice surprise and a bit more attentiveness.

    Good luck with it though if it makes you happy for now, 🙂 we all need a boost occasionally.

  • Jo says:

    P. You say, ‘If only I had the courage to ask what precisely is going on in the Younger’s head?’
    Well screw your courage to the sticking post and bloody ask him!
    P. You are a grown woman, not an adolescent. You have lived life. You have had experiences. You are not some ingenue.
    I have admired you before but frankly and honestly, you are letting yourself down here. Behaving like some simpering maiden with her first boyfriend.
    So sorry to be harsh but for god’s sake get a grip.
    If you are hanging in with this – intermittent and uncertain – behaviour for the sex, then own it, enjoy it, get on with it and recognise it for what it is.
    If you are still hoping for a ‘relationship’ or ‘a husband’, which is what you have long desired, then this clearly (as you can well recognise) is not going to be that.
    You’re not finding ‘the courage to ask’ because you don’t want to hear the answer that you already ‘know’. Fair enough. But please stop this diminishing of yourself for what seems like an anguished – and an occasional sexual meetup – return.
    Face it for what it is. Decide to go with it, or not. But please stop being so ludicrously immature. The responsibility for what you choose to accept is yours. No more…No less..

    • The Plankton says:

      I am going to get drunk this afternoon at a watering hole in Soho, and do just that. Ask him. Tom says I should and he’s right. Fuck all to lose. Pxx

      • MissM says:

        Rather pointless asking, really. How many men are honest or brave enough to admit you are nothing more than a viable alternative to their hand? (‘a spitoon’? Ouch. That is memorable.)

        The response is likely to be some evasive and meaningless words that will float into his head and he will grasp in a desperate attempt to be vaguely polite, and that you will subsequently spend too long dissecting and analysing in the hope that there will be some joy in them.

        I have heard it said by men that they are really very simple, the obvious answer is usually the correct one, and that women are able to understand them just fine. It is just that women are not happy with the obvious answer, and figure if they just look a bit deeper there might be a something they like better there. Only there isn’t. But they’ll keep looking none the less.

      • fi says:

        MissM – spot on. There’s never any need to ask as all you have to do is stand back and watch what someone does. Actions speak louder than words and are much more revealing.

    • Miss M- so that’s what we are now? A substitute for good ole’ DIY?

  • june says:

    Well P glad something still happening for you, wondered the other day where you were.

    Sadly i have nothing to report myself, recently, POF not come up with anything much im afraid and where the hell would a woman of 60 plus meet anyone remotely fanciable whod want her.My birthday this month and few meals out with female friends but all are partnered up so cant see many opportunities for meeting anyone there.

    Yes can see Barry wouldnt be quite what you want, or me either for that matter,spose at my age i should be grateful for anything male i know who shows any interest but surely it isnt too much that they should be in reasonable shape. I find myself looking at older men now thinking yes hes ok, but they are either with a female, often younger or look past me at a younger women. If any say anything, they are usually very elderly.or “i wouldnt go there”.

    Keep us posted,

  • Jo says:

    June. ‘Barry’? What…?

    • maria says:

      Jo, I find you a bit bitter (you almost sound like you know who). What happened to your sick friend?

      • Jo says:

        Maria. I’m a bit bitter? Like ‘you know who’?
        Baffled. Explain please..

      • Jo says:

        Maria. Truly no idea what you’re talking about. Clarify?

      • Jo says:

        Maria. Truly no idea what you are talking about…
        Clarify. Thanks.

      • Jo says:

        Blimey…

      • Jo says:

        Hey. D’you know what? Like so many other past contributors here, I haven’t commented for a while because there has been so much stuff that has been so off-putting that I ceased to offer any post. But here i am and, Maria, I encounter – after a well thought out comment – words that dismiss me as ‘ I find you a bit bitter’………! Straw..Camel..Back…?
        Sadly I think – for various reasons – that’s enough for me here.
        Good luck to you all.
        I’m afraid that’s it for me here. I’m off…..
        Goodbye. Good luck. x

      • maria says:

        Jo, please don’t leave because of me. I didn’t mean to offend you and I’m sorry if I did.
        I just found some of your comments in response to other people here, a bit harsh (or so they seemed to me). Maybe I’m wrong, and I’m not interpreting yours words right. You do remember I’m not a native speaker, don’t you?
        I’m sure you remember too I had a huge row with one of the people that usually comment here (that’s who I meant by “you know who”).
        I was also under the impression that you stopped commenting here because you were taking care of a very sick friend, or am I wrong?

        Again, I’m sorry if you found my comment so insulting. It wasn’t meant to be.

  • MissBates says:

    Dear Plankton: Enough with the Young Twinkle or whatever you’re calling him these days. He provided you with a rush of confidence, some long overdue physical affection, and an opportunity to prove to yourself that you are still in . . . erm . . . working order. But enough already. You clearly do not view him as just a roll in the hay and seem to be hanging hopes on him that are almost certainly not justified.

    Sweet story re Gary of the Wonky Teeth at the supermarket. Why did you turn down Belgravia guy? Hideously unattractive? 40 years older than you are? A serial lech? Crashing bore?

    But who am I to offer advice? No one has evinced the slightest flicker of interest in me in ages.

    • The Plankton says:

      Belgravia Bloke did not turn me on, and money has never been an aphrodisiac for me, so turning him down was a no-brainer. Pxx

      • MissBates says:

        Money has never been much of an attraction for me, either….I’m just impressed that you were invited on what sounds like an actual “date.” 🙂

      • The Plankton says:

        It was an “actual” date, which then didn’t happen. More fool me, possibly. I’ll never know. Pxx

  • maria says:

    Brilliant post P. And you had the courage to do a Brazilian? There’s something I’m sure I’ll never do.
    And if I might be so bold, why did you turn the rich man down?

  • Jo says:

    Maria. My not commenting here has indeed been because of taking care of my dear, very sick friend and also because of (from time to time) looking in and feeling rather dispirited by what I was reading here.
    I have very recently – after a long time – posted a comment or two, but overall the recent blog(s) and comments seem to have run their course for me. (No criticism intended..).
    Your comment ( which I was admittedly rather baffled by.. ) was not the sole reason..
    I just feel I want to leave the blog – for various reasons – and so I wish P and others the very best, but it is goodbye from me.
    Again. Goodbye. Good luck to all….x

  • “Sometimes I wish I could get into a man’s head, or be a man for a few days…. ….”

    NO YOU DON’T ….. trust me…..

  • Chris says:

    Poor old Barry, bumbling overweight gold hearted gold tooth Barry. You make him sound like poor old jaws from that Bond movie, the one who found happiness with the bespectabled girl Bond would never have entertained. Then we have SYT…….well, whatever. Last but not least, the one I really love, Belgravia man !! WTF is this all about ?? Are you having a larf ?? You are starting to sound like one of those Plankton who feature on the Femail pages of the Daily Whale You know, the ones who witter on about ‘ my last lover was a bankah not a wankah.’, as the fail to find love with the ‘calibah’ of man they desire. Why this desire for bankers by the way. I mean, I know they got pots of dosh but they are the most morally moribund people on the planet.

    Now, here’s a conundrum. Would you date ‘heart of gold’ Barry if he were 10 stone lighter? Or would he still not ‘make the grade’

    The original premise of this blog, which was that a woman of certain age could not find a man, seems to have gone outa the window. Looks like you can find men….and then find reasons to reject them. Well, there is nothing new in that. Men in Britain know that is the default position of many women. It basically comes down to the same old game. You can find a man but you cannot find the man you want. And was it not ever thus. If in doubt read some Jane Austin.

    • EmGee says:

      It’s Gary. You read the original post, right?

      • Chris says:

        Aw, c’mon EmGee, I’m a man, you know I’m dyslexic and dumb. Anyway, I kinda like Barry, makes him sound like Barry Evans off Eastenders, which was the image I got from Planky’s description of Gary !!

      • EmGee says:

        ” I’m dyslexic and dumb. ” Duly noted. 😉

        Someone else referred to Gary as Barry in a reply comment, so when you referred to ‘Barry’, it gave me the impression you perhaps dove straight into the comments w/out reading the blog post. If I had the Eastenders cultural reference (heard of the show, never watched it), the same may have occurred to me too.

    • The Plankton says:

      Gary. No, I would not have sex with Gary, whatever his weight, I’m afraid. And Belgravia Bloke was into cars which bore me senseless and nice though he was, he did not float my boat, or whatever that ghastly expression. Bottom line: couldn’t have slept with either of them. And yes, there are more men now in the offing. I never thought I’d say this, but that’s because I am – or, rather, have been – sleeping with one and that seems to make all the difference for reasons beyond my ken, but which I am reluctant to put down to “putting out the right vibe” – bleargh! – but I may start to have to…? Pxx

      • Chris says:

        Hee hee, probably yer pheromones perking up !!

      • mirandell says:

        Dear P – how very exciting – there’s a feeling now that you may be about to turn the page and start a new chapter – or even a new adventure- and I wish you well. Quite apart from anything else, you have this rare talent to turn down advances from those you don’t fancy- whether Gary or the Big Cheese- with kindness and civility, without hurting their feelings. ‘I turned down his kind offer with a grace that did not challenge his dignity or hurt him’, you said and I reckon there’s a great deal of courage and self control in that kind of ‘grace’. Certainly, we’re not all capable of it. Good luck!

  • justanotherman says:

    Came across these two quotes. You might want to learn from them Ms P:

    “A man is like a cat; chase him and he will run – sit still and ignore him and he’ll come purring at your feet.”

    “A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.”

  • Lydia says:

    I seem to know what men think. It may be because I was not brought up in a sexist way. I don’t know, but much of what is written above is right.
    if a man or woman really wants you they will on at you all the time, there will be texts, calls, lots of contact, loads and loads.

    If they just want sex and you want more you might as well be charging them never mind expending £40 on a wax. If he wants someone for casual sex and you want a husband by all means take what you can from it but make him pay for the wax for a start.

    We always get back to feminism and the money thing and power and balance. If women are the bankers or their equivalent then they do not need a man for money and they are not out to fleece and live off a man and things become fairer and saner.

    • Chris says:

      Yer know what Lydia, in a perverse way you are right. The contract between a man and a hooker is the most honest one between the sexes, providing the man holds up his end of the bargain. Act agreed, fixed price, wham bam thank you mam. None of that dancing around the dating games with mixed signals and vast expense. If the guy wants uncomplicated sex only, way to go. And before you lot start, no, I have never been with hookers !!

      • Elle says:

        “providing the man holds up his end of the bargain” 😀 😀 😀 You can get pills to help with that Chris!

  • therugbymom says:

    “Sometimes I wish I could get into a man’s head, or be a man for a few days, just to try to get to the bottom of them, as it were.” Your first sentence catapulted me into dreamland. If I could be a man for a few days, I would lock myself away and spend the entire time playing with my penis!

    OK, back to the real topic. I think you already know what you need to do with SYT, and your blog followers have given you their support. It won’t be easy (to risk giving up a bird in the bush.)

    Speaking of the bush, yes, the first time is pure torture! But if you keep it up, subsequent waxings aren’t painful. If you find that you like the way it feels, you’ll find the money to keep it up. But if you don’t get a lot of enjoyment out of it, don’t ever put yourself through that for a casual date that might end up between the sheets! You might be surprised how different it feels, and IMHO sex with SYT should be all about what gets YOU off. I think we can all agree there is no question that he is going to get there. (Please, before anyone starts hate mail – if we were talking about a loving relationship here, my advice would be the opposite – do everything to please your partner & expect the same from them.)

    I’m sure it probably grates on your nerves to think that you have to play games, but it’s worth a shot. Tell SYT you have to wash your hair next time he calls, and get yourself a nice battery operated substitute to keep you company while you wait for him to figure his shit out!

    Keep your head up! We are all pulling for you!

    • “If I could be a man for a few days, I would lock myself away and spend the entire time playing with my penis…. ”

      it’s actually not nearly as much fun as you seem to think it is…..

      • justanotherman says:

        yes it is 🙂

      • therugbymom says:

        I’m sure it may be old news to you, but I find them quite fascinating!

      • Muriel says:

        What would I do if I had a dick for a day?
        I’d sit very quietly and wait for it to go away.

      • Muriel- MOST of the time, possessing one is an enormous amount of fun- It can also become a source of endless stress, if you discover that you’re 41 and, just like when you were in high school way, way back in the 20th century, you’ve once again turned into …. ….. well …. ….. ….. a piece of sexual plankton !!!

      • Muriel says:

        Scott
        Why is it, do you think, that you are a plankton? We know what is supposedly “wrong” with us, what is getting in the way of you getting a GF? Do you actually want one?

      • Muriel- there’s something wrong with you?

        Anyhoo, Muriel- I live in the suburbs of New York City, and yes, I do meet women at various venues these days- We exchange telephone #’s (landline as well as cell phone #’s), we exchange email addresses (work email as well as our personal addresses)- And then I almost never see them again, they usually write back to me to tell me that they’re too busy for a relationship these days-
        In the American version of the “English” language, 9 times out of 10, “too busy for a relationship these days” is a euphemism, it translates as “I actually do have plenty of free time, I’m simply not at all interested in YOU,” and approximately 10% of the time, “I’m too busy for a relationship these days” honestly means that “I really don’t have any free time at all at the moment, and that’s not likely to change in the foreseeable future”….

  • James B says:

    Ms P – a lovely post, back to your flowing best and showing all the characteristics of biting yet vulnerable observational comedy which makes you SO readable.

    I have noticed over the past few years, when talking to my single female friends that when they have recently developed a love interest they begin to look better and act with more confidence. No surprise there. When they actually have sex though – they start to glow! Their skin, their eyes, even their hair takes on a different texture. Amazing.

    The same, it seems, is happening to you. That and the anti-depressants have led you on an upward curve and you are now less a plankton and more like the sensitive but confident alpha-lady that I suspect you were in the past.

    The thing is this: Your confidence is making you picky again. Nothing wrong with that. My feeling is that you move in elevated media circles and are surrounded by successful, well-dressed, confident & attractive men (many at that watering hole in Soho) and therefore your standards, truly are high, not least because it is clear that in the past, men chased you. Getting older reduces the frequency of this (men will always look at young women first) but in the end, if you “Glow, Know & Go” – you will be an attractive proposition!

    Just enjoy the fact that you have an FB to play with and KNOW that this is not a serious relationship but a bridge to better things. It has already helped. If you want to find another long term partner, you will find one, eventually, provided you realise that even you will probably have to alter (not reduce) your expectations as you experience life in the urban dating pool.

    So, my advice – go find a slightly older, witty and intelligent man that you want to talk to, share something in common with and enjoy spending time with. He may not be super-sexy at first but he will be okay. One will appear, you watch. Go take your place as the female Neil Simon of Dean Street!

  • Kerry says:

    Your comment about “right vibes” really resonated with me. Though I am not unattractive, am of reasonable intelligence, am always employed, have hobbies and interests, take care of myself physically- I have always sent out the wrong vibes. I have only had two boyfriends in my entire life and I am 45. I have zero self confidence and I have always assumed this is my problem but have no idea how to fix it. It is like I have some kind of force field of “stay away from me”. I am past the age where I care very much but I would pay someone a great deal of money to diagnose my exact problem.

    • EmGee says:

      Kerry, it sounds like you know your exact problem, just haven’t figured out how to address it. People who have those ‘stay away from me’ force fields around them usually grew up in a dysfunctional household, usually with alcoholics, gamblers, or other obsessive types, and/or have suffered emotional, physical or sexual abuse at the hands of someone who should have been protecting them. As a result, you find it impossible to trust anyone but yourself, and being able to trust another is a cornerstone of any relationship.

      There is help out there, and you don’t even need to pay for it. Personally, I find a program that uses a 12 step program to help people address their issues works the best. A therapist will get you there too, you just have to be willing to not be afraid to look at yourself. That is the most important thing, and it isn’t always easy or pleasant, but you will learn to love others without losing yourself.

      Good luck!

      • Kerry says:

        Thank you EmGee. So I am not imagining “stay away from me force fields.” That in itself is a relief! Thank you for the suggestions. I know a therapist would be a good thing but I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do it.

      • EmGee says:

        Life is short Kerry. See if there is a Coda (CoDependents Anonymous) or Al-Anon (for friends and families of alcoholics – which is nearly everyone if you think about it) in your area. It doesn’t hurt to try a few meetings and see if it doesn’t offer some relief. It’s a safe environment, and your anonymity is secure. If nothing else, you will find that you are not alone with your dilemma. If you find it doesn’t do it for you, that’s okay too.

    • The Plankton says:

      Sorry to hear this, Kerry. Good luck though. Pxx

  • rosie says:

    Former lover? Arena? It’s not Mick Jagger, is it?!

  • Barry Twyman says:

    Hello from the ORIGINAL Barry ….my heart leapt a beat when I read my name attatched to 24 stones and gold teeth…and no “Brazilian” waiting for me ! (My Loving Wife decided on a trim this Month)

    I also read P has found “Conlsolation ” elsewhere….but at the present time declines to elaborate….So , may I be so bold as to suppose P has emerged chrysallys like from her cocoon, to boldly fly where no Plankton has flown before ?

    Offers galore , in public, secrets hinted at ,and preparations for encounters of the sexual kind litter her delightful writings .
    I really hope so, as my predictions last year, at the time of Long Range and other no hopers, was that P would discover her self respect and courage ….. Men ARE from Mars ……

  • Elle says:

    Plankton, I’m glad to hear that you are still seeing SYT, albeit sporadically but perhaps you should take Dorothy Parker’s advice and don’t put all your eggs in one b*stard.

    There’s nothing wrong with extreme waxing as long as you do it for yourself – there’s nothing like feeling ultra clean.

    I feel sorry for Gary at the supermarket. Life is unfair. He deserves to have love in his life just like everyone else. Even so it might have been awkward going on a date with him if you shop regularly in his supermarket.

    Belgravia Bloke might have been interesting for a date or two. I bet SYT is keeping his options wide open because you and he appear to have a FWB arrangement. One day he may disappear altogether, what will you then?

    • T Lover says:

      Elle,

      Putting two and two together and hopefully making three I take it that you have one – a Brazilian – and that you undertake your own topiary. You enjoy that clean feeling in the Australian department? Down under.

      Now then. I was thinking about all this I think foreign girls are better hoo hah that that Chris keeps banging on about. I thought: what’s he on about? He likes Asian girls, they are his thing. That’s all there is to it.

      Well, then I thought perhaps there is another factor at play here. The bidet.

      There’s no point is there in having an expensive frock, a swish hair-do and Bluto’s beard down below? I appreciate it is down to personal choice – a subjective thing – but just as Chris likes Asian girls I am not keen on hair. A lot of it in that area.

      Then there is cleanliness. Maybe the reason British women were not in the top 10 sex on legs list was perhaps summed up like this by the President of Napoli Football Club when talking of his best players leaving for England

      “If they want to go to England then in the end they’re going to go” he said. “But they need to understand this: the English live badly, eat badly and their women do not wash their genitalia. To them, a bidet is a mystery.”

      Agree?

      • EmGee says:

        I am not English, so I can’t make an opinion on their personal hygiene. However, I keep a container of moist towelettes on the tank of the commode, myself. A bidet seems rather quaint, old fashioned, and a 1%er problem, outside of, and perhaps even also inside, France. (Does each and every French WC sport a bidet?)

        On the other hand, hair removal is an individual decision, and there is more to consider than simply looks, and pleasing your partner. If I wanted to catch a man who prefers the prepubescent look, I’d be out of luck. My skin is simply far too sensitive to have and keep that hair completely removed. Keeping the bikini line clear without getting angry rashes, which defeats the purpose of being shaved, is difficult enough. Keeping the rest trimmed and tidy has to suffice.

        And according to a few male posts here, there are still a few men who don’t mind that we have what God gave us. Each and every one of us.

        One advantage of being attracted to older men, is that they haven’t been raised on internet porn, and thus don’t think that a lack of pubic hair is normal. I am also curious to find out how many men in the real world actually practice what they preach, or just expect it of their partners?

      • Chris says:

        Yer right, I love Asian girls……and have done since the age of 19 when I met and fell in love with a Thai girl at college. That was way back…..1971. That was never gonna work out…..she came from a wealthy Thai family and they had her future mapped out for her. Anyway, made the mistake of marrying an English girl…….when I already knew in my heart of hearts what I really liked. I should not have done it but well, we all make mistakes

      • nick says:

        most women in the UK are clean and hygenic, the ones i’ve met anyways. but they are like marble…..attractive on the outside…..cold and hard on the inside….we do eat badly, live badly (espcially those in london) – and our women have become like men – heavy drinkers and smokers……who love a fight at the weekend…….many are a disgrace….and what foreigners think, god only knows….

      • T Lover says:

        Nick,

        90% of the taxi drivers in this neck of the woods are Asian, Pakistani or Bengali.

        What do they, devout Muslims, think on a Friday, Saturday, Sunday night when their main trade is in popped up girls, skirts up their arse more or less naked on top. Foul language.

        Great aren’t we the British? No pride any more.

      • nick says:

        I bet they think we come from a different planet – and I wouldn’t blame those taxi drivers. The problem unique to England is we are a inhibited race, nobody looks anyone in the eye on a tube train, or would strike up a conversation with a stranger, for fear of being called a weirdo.

        So we use drink to lose our inhibitions – but we lose them completely! ..drink to get drunk….……trying to find a woman in this country that is part of our extreme & accepted culture is a nightmare, no wonder I’m looking abroad.

      • T Lover says:

        Nick,

        I go to Scotland a couple of weekends a month.

        There is a rough old pub up the road from my place.

        It can be full of idiots and the beer is crap.

        Anyway, every now and then appears this Latvian girl. In her twenties, maybe thirty. Drop dead gorgeous (a figure to die for) and such a nice intelligent girl. The only black mark is that she sounds like a Jock.

        This girl stands out like a beacon.

        I met a Slav at a wedding last back end. Not a great looker but what a personality. So very nice.

        So, in a way I don’t blame you for looking abroad but at the end of the day it’s each to his own.

      • nick says:

        i was talking to some polish girls a few weeks ago while shopping and i agree they are very chatty and so nice, pleasent conversation and not to mention pretty. no tatoo’s or heavy piercings which made a change.
        they didnt have that air of suspicion of “whats his angle”, although i like asian girls myself. –

        now i’m in my 40’s and look at my married friends married to uk girls, its not envy, but a feeling of “dodging a bullet” – which i agree is a sad reflection on what shouldnt be the case.

      • therugbymom says:

        Miss P mentioned two potential suitors and shared with us their good qualities before mentioning their attributes she didn’t care for. Even though she had no interest in them, she made an effort to turn them down gently.

        I don’t think any country has a monopoly on people with poor grooming habits or loose morals. It makes me sad to see you guys write these nasty comments about women in the UK. The women there could probably write something similar about some of you, but hopefully they won’t make such generalizations. I’m sure the women you find in bars on the weekend in the US could give your girls a run for their money. Many of our women don’t consider being perceived as a slut is a bad thing. (I don’t either.) But maybe part of the problem is that you are looking in the wrong place. You are less likely to find Miss Right in a bar (pub) than you are in a more respectable place. Just sayin’.

        Any guys my age in a bar are probably alcoholics, which would impair their performance at this age, so they are ruled out for one night, and for long term. In theory, I would love to have a SYT, but I’m probably going to become a grandmother in the next few years. As much as I might joke about it with my friends, I just can’t see myself doing the cougar thing. I wish I could tell you where to go. I wish I knew where to go to meet nice men! Obviously I don’t, and that is why I’m not meeting anyone, and living vicariously through Miss P!

      • The Plankton says:

        Don’t live vicariously through me, I beg you. My life’s a car crash! Pxx

    • T Lover says:

      Elle,

      Sorry, sorry for speculating about you know what. Very ungallant. Ungentlemanly.

      And then for putting two and two together and making three. That is a mystery. Why would I (hopefully) make three?

      • T- still think that The Plankton is a man pretending to be a woman?

      • T Lover says:

        Scott, you are a stirrer. A woman no doubt.

        I never read the posts any more – I just skim or don’t read them at all.

        The entertainment and insight is in the comments. I may not be the only one thinking that way. At the moment 155 comments followed the last post (which was a non event – an apology) because the “followers” sparked away amongst themselves.

        I am interested in (and have been helped by) the reaction amongst the commentators. A course in female (il) logic. I would give a limb to see those commentators, what they look like, where they live, what they do.

        I am not interested in the slightest bit in the fact some middle aged woman in some far away place – someone with a completely different lifestyle to mine – is on the edge of her seat as to whether she is going to be serviced by a younger bloke or whether she has been asked out by someone with a fat wallet.

        Learning that a Brazilian costs forty quid did not send me cartwheeling down the lane.

        I was just wondering. I am going for my lunch. I think I will make a placard: “My Brazilian has just cost me £40.00” and walk down the High Street. Who might be interested I wonder?

        Only a woman could scheme a Brazilian – not because she has ever had one before – to make “it” more exciting for the bloke she is trying to trap. And then announce it to the world. How long will the effort last as the relationship goes on?

        Yes a woman, no doubt.

      • YES, T !!! I’d love to see you walk down a busy shopping street somewhere in England proudly holding up a picket style sign which reads “My Brazilian just cost me £40 !!!”

        Get one of your friends to film this and then post the footage onto youtube !!!

      • T Lover says:

        Well no, Scott, I couldn’t really do that because it would be a lie. And were it true I would want to keep it to myself. And to the Missus. Private business as it were. And anyway I am a hypocrite because whilst I would I would never dream of having a Brazilian – Scott think middle aged porn actor with a very small set – I would look a complete prat, I do like a girl to be neatly trimmed and clean. I have a phobia about clean.

        Talking, as you were, about men pretending to be women, last evening I broke a golden rule as far as Mrs T Lover is concerned. I pulled her leg. Women cannot bear to be laughed at. They love to take the waz out of men when they are in a coven (the women are in a coven that is) but you try it with them and Hell will freeze.

        I suggested it might be a sexy idea were I to have my George W styled as a fly past by the Red Arrows. I was swotted away. Childish. No, I would have a vapour trail effect. Red, white and blue trails from the topiary aircraft. And I would hum the “Dambusters”. And I would jump off the wardrobe. And could she do hers as a landing strip?

        Scott she didn’t even look up from the crossword.

    • L- Fi and I are both presently reading “Drink, Play, F@#K: One Man’s Search For Anything Across Ireland, Las Vegas And Thailand” by Andrew Gottlieb (Grove Atlantic/ Black Cat Books, 2009).

      We want to pick your brain, we want to know if the Dublin scenes in this book are realistic?

    • The Plankton says:

      Alas, SYT and I are toast. I will post about it later today or tomorrow. Pxx

  • mirandell says:

    SYT – A gorgeous, kind, intelligent, special person who gave you a glimpse of that secret, private, exclusive narrative you called intimacy and others call falling in love.

    So- how did SYT come to degenerate into the Younger extracting benefits of the spitoon kind, or ‘a viable alternative for his hand’?

    Dear P forgive me, but are you quite, quite sure you’ve got this right?

    • malcolm says:

      When a man doesn’t live up to the expectations that a woman has assigned to him, or should he unsuccessfully navigate the minefield of unspoken hopes and desires of a woman attempting to have a relationship with him (whether or not this was a mutual desire or goal), he suddenly isn’t such an enlightened being anymore.
      It’s a bit of a mystery really.

    • The Plankton says:

      Yep. One thing I’ve learned at my grand age is that no one is straight-forward. My ex-husband was remarkable, wonderful, amazing, talented, brilliant, funny, beautiful, but could also be a complete prick. Way of the world. Suppose it’s what makes life rich. ha ha! Pxx

  • mirandell says:

    But I dare say that much the same thing could be said of a man whose expectations have not been met.

  • James B says:

    Sometimes I ask myself, in darker moments, who on earth invented the concept of the permanent significant relationship and then made it a universal aspiration?

    I am married to a conscientious, outstandingly beautiful, very popular, honest and intelligent lady and have been for nearly 25 years.

    It’s enough to make me want to run around the hall naked and screaming. My perfect life!

    Loneliness is awful though – probably, almost definitely worse. Be careful what you wish for, I guess. Eek.

    Sorry about the mutterings. It’s just that there is no answer really apart from being responsible for one’s own happiness. I am going to put some music on and go for a run.

    Just thought I’d post from the ‘other side’ … oof

    • EmGee says:

      James, I enjoy you insightful posts.

      I ask myself why, when I know the odds are good he may someday leave, not for someone else, but because there is simply no way for him to carve out a life here, and when he does go, that knowing my heart will break, do I still hold on to hope that this relationship will last?

      The cause of these dark thoughts for me, is because my bf is still on the East Coast, due back at the end of the month, but he has the possibility of continued employment if he goes back there. On the other hand, his ability to find work in this depressed area has diminished greatly. He calls, sends daily emails, and little gifts through the mail, so I know he cares, but I also know that living here has become very frustrating for him.

      I think ‘making it work’ against real life odds is a fairy tale. Statistically, I’ve heard more relationships fail over financial difficulties and disagreements than anything else.

      • EmGee says:

        I think James and Jill are coming at the happiness thing from 2 different points of view.

        Try turning it around: Who makes you happy? Who has done things to make you happy? Did you appreciate these gifts, or did you sometimes feel interfered with or manipulated? How long did these feelings of happiness last? Do you need other people doling out happiness to you? Will you stop caring for someone if they aren’t constantly making you happy?

        I’m just saying we are the guardians of our own happiness. We can do things we think might make others happy, but as individuals, we shouldn’t rely on others for happiness and fulfillment.

      • Jill says:

        What EmGee and James B both say makes sense – I suppose i was reading their comments through the prism of my own lengthy personal experience, which has witnessed tremendous waste (and pain) resulting from various individuals’ preoccupation with their own “happiness” to the exclusion of everyone else’s. Of course, EmGee and James are correct in saying that we are all ultimately responsible for our own happiness, but I really believe that not putting oneself (and one’s own personal happiness) first goes a very long way towards what James B in his usual lyrical fashion has termed “true pleasure and meaning” in life. And I’m sorry if that makes me sound like a goody-goody – that is certainly not the case!

        In the wise words of Mr. J. Donne, “No man [or woman] is an island…..”

      • mirandell says:

        ‘Making it work’ against real life odds is a fairy tale’

        I agree – as some wise old Frenchman once said, life is the enemy of love.

    • Jill says:

      Goodness, James B, why is it we so often find it difficult to reconcile ourselves merely with being contented……? I’m not saying that you are not, but your post did surprise me, especially after such a paean in praise of your wife. It is still a source of some annoyance (!) to me that I was a conscientious, decent enough looking, honest and intelligent wife with many friends, married for quite a few more years than you, but here I am on my own while my ex is busy trying to convince himself and everyone else that he is better off with his “Camilla”. Indeed a striking case of be careful what you wish for…..

      And, for the first time I disagree with you…..I don’t believe the answer is being responsible for one’s own happiness – I think trying to make others happy is the answer, if of course there IS an answer….

      (I hope that the run and the music drove away your sombre thoughts – and that you are even now not running around the hall naked and screaming ….oof….eek!)

      Please convey my salutations to Mrs B….

      • justanotherman says:

        Jill – I got halfway through writing this before I realised you had a later post with a slightly different conclusion, so I’m sorry if its out of context.

        I think you came close in questioning IF there is an answer. Because we are all so diverse in our thoughts and experience ( and morality ) even if its by just a few percentage points it only takes a conjunction of certain things at the wrong times for us to make the wrong decision.

        I just dont think there’s any logic to much of our actions. I’m not saying all partings are illogical just that they can be. I think you can comfort yourself with the thought that if its just ” some annoyance ” you are feeling then you are pretty well balanced – but maybe that’s after much more extreme feelings have passed.

        As to being responsible for your own happiness I think a) ultimately its all in our head ….. ” I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet” …. and b) our quest for constant happiness is illusory , we all just have moments of happiness.

        As to our responsibility for others happiness, it probably revolves around the happiness we get from making others happy, tempered by our own morality.

        Oh dear reading that it all sounds pretty heavy and sometimes the answer is just a good screw. Wonder if James has any spare crackers.

      • Chris says:

        I think you got that right Jill. It is a nice thing to make others happy. It is nice to make a woman feel special and loved. Hey, and guess what guys, when a woman has got that ‘glow’ she becomes a whole lot more attractive ( perhaps that is what is happening to ‘P’ right now). Now some women when they get that glow think hey, dump the nice guy who did that, time to play the field again. Relax on the deal nice guys, won’t be long before she meets some bum out there who soon strips away that glow. That’s the point where she rings you again and you do not take her back. Been down that road more than once. Never take them back, if you do they will take the peese out of you forever.

        You know, one things puzzles me here. People on here seem to behave like they gonna live forever, they have no sense of mortality. We as humans have a limited time to find love and happiness. If I meet someone 60% right that’s good enough for me. I could spend all my life looking for the elusive ‘one’…..and never have a life. What’s the point of that. And another thing. You hardly ever see the word ‘love’ on this site. What is that all about?

      • Jill says:

        Well, thank you for that comment, Chris – and I agree with you that “love” is an underused word hereabouts. But surely doing one’s best to make people happy is a sure fire way of showing that you love them/care for them, even merely like them…….

  • James B says:

    Aha. Well less about me, this is a post about Ms P and the theme of relationship scarcity in middle age. I must not mutter on!

    Somehow, relationships need to balance the need for personal contentment as well as making the other person (other persons in the case of a full nuclear family) happy. Sometimes it all becomes a little overwhelming for all of us. I just wanted to say that it can SEEM just as hard to be in a long-term committed relationship, even with a good partner, as it can be when battling it out in the single universe. The issue is – are those people making each other happy? Somehow the balance to strike is, I think, somewhere between the viewpoints of both EmGee and Jill. We have to be happy with someone, we have to be with someone who makes us feel good – but true pleasure and meaning is achieved in those moments when we transcend ourselves and are engaged in making others happier, whether it is our partners, friends or children.

    I had a cup of soup and a cracker. It made me much more relaxed! I shall shut up now!

    • Jill says:

      Oh dear, some gremlin seems to have got into the site – my last post was meant to follow on from EmGee’s and James B’s last posts but it has now ended up in completely the wrong place, i.e. ahead of the one of mine which preceded it. Aaaagh!

  • JennainSoCal says:

    I am a plankton in the United States, echoing your sentiments across the miles. Just this past week I got a wax (not complete Brazilian, something called an in-betweeny) for my own SYT who has been coming and going for a couple years. Age appropriate men occasionally ask me out but i have no connection or attraction. Recently I met one where it clicked but he had just embarked on a relationship — at least it was with someone our own age. I’m sorry for your plight Ms P but so glad for the commiseration; I don’t feel so alone. Thanks again for putting your words out there.

    • malcolm says:

      @JennainSoCal
      I’m confused. You have a younger lover, you have men your own age asking you out and you turn them down, and yet you consider yourself a plankton – bottom of the sexual food chain.
      That’s quite a stretch.

      • zoe says:

        Malcolm, are you only just working that out? I don’t know why you’re confining your remarks to JSC. The plankton-in-chief herself has a younger lover and has always had interest from men her own age from Long Shot and Smidgen to billowing Gary and Mr Moneybags of Belgravia. The bottom-of-the-sexual-food-chain malarkey is – and I know it’s a bit of a blow for the disappointed middle-aged men who come here to engage in a bit of schadenfreude – a bit of a swizz.

      • malcolm says:

        Hardly a blow Zoe, just confirmation of a growing suspicion that many so called problems faced by women are a product of their own”solipsism and entitlement rather than a reflection of reality.

    • The Plankton says:

      Well, thank YOU. Pxx

  • leftatforty says:

    It’s time to call it a day. You had fun but you’re now posting about it. It must hurt.

  • mirandell says:

    Great posts, James B and Jill – but did you really have a cup of soup at 4.28 am, Mr B?

  • James B says:

    I did indeed have a cup of soup in the middle of the night. Then I went to bed and woke up feeling far more balanced.

    Extreme emotions are very real to those of us who feel them. They are as real as physical pain and as impossible to ignore as bad toothache. So our whole lives are lived in our head. I hope that neuroscience hurries up and sorts us out soon so that we can all have electric shock treatment and have camel genes injected into us, making us happier and younger looking all at once.

    It’s good to see Ms P seeming altogether more balanced in her writing. This is a mix of time healing, a decent bit of physical attention and a dose of Prozac. Keep it up P!

  • mirandell says:

    Actually I believe you are right – we are all ultimately responsible for our own happiness, whether single or coupled, and that includes the happiness of those close to us, particularly one’s children. And either way, it is not possible to have love on demand.

  • rosie says:

    Why don’t the weirdos posting offensive comments on here, for whom Western women are obviously so very very shit, and who by their own admission don’t even READ what P has written, stop trolling and go find a blog more suited to their bile and misplaced disappointment? There are plenty out there. Or are you so pathetic you can’t even manage that? Sickening.

    • T Lover says:

      Well speaking entirely for myself Petal, I don’t know.

      What is the answer my little sweetness and light?

    • Muriel says:

      Rosie,
      They want to tell us all off.
      What I find funny is all the endless praise of Asian/polish/Latvian women. Why is it that these guys aren’t blissfully happy with one of said women? If they were why would they care what British women are like?
      No, they are man planktons, whose disappointment has turned to bitterness and who are unable to accept any personal responsibility for their own condition.
      I’ve got “nightmare on relationship street” tales to tell of men who cheated, lied and were violent, but I don’t extrapolate from that that all men are arseholes. Arseholery is not gender or race specific.

      • amouette says:

        Ho ho

        Who was it who said, not so long ago, that he liked indulging in a bit of provocation because he wanted to see the blog continue?

        Dear Sisters, how you DO rise to the bait…

      • Mrs T Lover says:

        Amouette,

        I’ve no idea why we gals do but we fall for it every time.

        Those sisters without a sense of humour are the worst – is there some therapy that might help?. Feel sorry for them.

      • @ Mrs. T- How come you weren’t into the red- white- and- blue thing that your husband proposed? Sounds concurrently fun AND patriotic…. !!!

  • rosie says:

    Amouette, if these men had said the same things, over and over again, about any other ‘minority’ group they’d have had their collars felt by now. But hey, it’s only women (albeit with a good old smattering of racism), the frigid bitches should just lighten up and get down with the ‘joke’, right? If you think such comments are ‘indulging in a bit of provocation’ I can only assume you’re a weirdo troll as well.

    • MissM says:

      If only there was the option of an ‘ignore’ button on this site that we could apply to certain posters that we know are just being trolls. I rarely need to use it elsewhere but it has been a wonderful option when I did need it.

      Here I just have to remember that when I see a particular name it means I should just skip that post. Not too difficult really, and definitely worth it. Life’s too short to waste time in responding to trolls.

    • amouette says:

      Oh dear Rosie, why are you so angry? And no- I’m not a weirdo troll- not that I know anyhow. And certainly not that you know. So relax. Keep cool.

  • rosie says:

    Muriel, exactly. My experience of men has been overwhelmingly that they lie and cheat but I still don’t think they are ALL like that. I know there are good men out there, just that it’s nigh on impossible to find one (who you fancy as well) and at this stage in life I’ve given up! Judging by the ones who populate P’s blog that’s probably just as well.

    • justanotherman says:

      Rosie – for all you know all men and women might lie and cheat – its only the unsuccessful ones you know about.

  • rosie says:

    @ T Lover. Reserve the pity for yourself. I can’t be the only woman on here whose stomach you turn. Well done.

    • T Lover says:

      Rosie,

      I am really, really sorry to read what you (and Muriel and Amouette) have to say.

      There are some who comment who seem balanced and there are some who inevitably turn to the nasty personal dig. There are certain people – a minority – on whom you can rely to be unpleasant.

      There are also some who live in a fantasy world in which they seem to know every detail of the personal lives and mindset of others.

      Has it ever crossed your mind that it might be you that has a problem with relationships?

  • James B says:

    Black and white thinking is never that helpful in any aspect of life. Good women can cheat under certain circumstances. Even the most honest of men will occasionally lie. Any successful relationship needs immense patience, endurance, respect and a smattering of denial. Turning a blind eye to the limitations of a partner is essential.

    Many single, middle-aged people are bitter, disappointed and hurt but have unrealistic expectations both of their current appeal to the dating pool and of the personal, financial and cultural qualities/sex appeal expected in partners. A more optimistic and positive approach is needed, combined with greater endurance, perseverance, tolerance of others, an open mind and shall we say – altered (not necessarily reduced) expectations of a potential partner.

    People like happy people – but more importantly, they like people that make them feel better. I ask myself sometimes when reading the more acidic comments that appear here, whether some of the contributors here are actually like this in real life? If this is the case – well, then that is part of the problem.

    • Muriel says:

      James
      No wonder you have such a large and admiring fanbase on this blog. You are like yoda, or the dalai llama, or something, with your soothing words of gender neutral wisdom. Have you thought of collecting your postings and pensees as a resource for the lost and broken hearted? You could call it “lentil soup for the love lorn”, or some such. Every time I read something you have written I feel a tiny ray of light steal into my hardened, bitter, twisted soul.

      • Jill says:

        I’ll second that Muriel. Welcome to the James B fan club!

      • Muriel says:

        Yes Jill, I can visualise him speaking, his kindly brown eyes twinkling, and his wife smiling lovingly in the background as she hands him another cup of soup. What a lucky woman she is.

      • amouette says:

        Don’t be condescending, Muriel – Mrs B is a cracker !

  • kelvinhard says:

    Hmmm. Not a very original thought I know but I am struck by how the comments and replies here (including my own no doubt) are primarily about our own selves and concerns and often have little to do with what Ms P has written. It is as though Ms P’s writing seems to touch some sort of nerve which gets people to reflect on their own experience of relationships, sex etc. I think it must be her searing honesty and wit. As for the “we prefer foreign women” brigade, I hope the women of the UK are truly grateful to all those Thai and Latvian and Polish women for ensuring that these gents’ attentions are directed elsewhere. What a shame for them that their attraction for these overseas ladies does not in general seem to be reciprocated. I wonder why that could possibly be…? But I do agree that it is best to ignore them; any attention just seems to encourage them. And yes, I know I have just gone against my own advice. But never again, however much provoked.

    • Muriel says:

      Kelvin
      Exactly, I only hope they relocate their unlovely selves to some remote corner of Poland/Latvia/Thailand, preferably where there is no Internet access (if any such place exists).
      Are you another Glaswegian? I was canoeing on the River Kelvin last weekend, no sign of Weil’s disease (or beaver fever, as they call it in Canada) as yet.

      • T Lover says:

        Oh Muriel,

        Sorry, haven’t got a passport. Didn’t you know? I thought you knew everything.

        How do you reconcile canooing with the irritation canooists cause amongst other river users? Does it not bother you? The fact that you might be interfering with the pleasure of others?

      • Muriel says:

        Mr T
        Well I do know how to spell. When I was out in my canoo (sic) the only other river users were a few dicks. Oops! Ducks, I mean!

      • T Lover says:

        Muriel,

        I might not know how to spell but, trust me, I know how to shoot myself in the foot.

        I hate canoes. When you banish me to eastern Europe or, horrors, the far corner of Thailand please don’t make me go by canooo.

      • justanotherman says:

        Ah the dreaded beaver fever ! Often brought on by the sight of a Brazilian I’m told …. or was that another post ?

      • Muriel says:

        Just another
        Huzzah, someone actually got my lil joke!

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you, kelvinhard, for your words about my writing. Pxx

  • zoe says:

    I had my first internet date since my thing with the doctor ended at Christmas. I just haven’t been ready to do it. (And maybe I’m still not).

    It was good. He looked like his photo. And, despite his reservations, he had been prepared to meet me without the benefit of seeing mine, which I really liked. “I thought it was a test”, he said. “It was”, I said. He was charming. Attractive. And, just as important, attracted. When I returned home he had sent an email saying that he’d had a great time and wanted to see me again.

    Within the space of 48 hours, however, things have become tricky.

    The internet gives us an unrivaled ability to make contact and meet those we would never meet in our everyday life. But, without the security conferred by an introduction through a friend, we conjure with the possibilities of intimacy with a complete and utter stranger who might not be who he says he is.

    Most men my own age have a significant internet footprint, but younger men often do not. Usually information online provides some kind of a mooring to connect someone to the real world, but in this case not.

    Do I really think he’s a fake? No. If I had to put a number on it my confidence in him would be around 98% or 99%. That’s pretty good. But if you’re going to internet date you’ve got to stick to some rules; being certain about the identity of who you’re dealing with is mine.

    But it’s hard to actively eliminate any residual doubt without introducing a bit of a dampener. Being seen as a potential serial killer is not going to enhance or build on the delight and warmth of a first meeting. And in our last email exchange I do seem to have introduced a cold wind. The very process of trying to establish trust seems to be damaging it.

    Ah, well. From the comments on this blog you would get the impression that the hardest thing is to meet someone you like and who likes you. And it’s true that is hard. But negotiating the first steps from an attraction into an ongoing relationship can be even tougher.

    • justanotherman says:

      Zoe – Most guys who are decent would think it through and understand if you are just honest with them and express your reservations and how to overcome them. They could put a daughter or any female loved one in your position and want the best for them – if they don’t then , they are not worth bothering with anyway. Just make sure whatever plan you have to reassure yourself makes sense. If you want a mans opinion you can get one here – there are a few decent ones around, and I dare say a few women will also chip in two penny worth.

    • T Lover says:

      Zoe,

      Were I a woman I would be very cautious. You never know you might have someone like me on your hands. Racist. Liar. Cheat. Vile. Stomach turning. Unable to spell canoooo.

      Isn’t the answer to be frank? Say, you to him, I am genuinely taken with you but before we go on (which I would very very much like to do) ….. don’t know what to say next but intend something like: show me your passport and decree absolute.

      Why not be straight in a nice and encouraging way?

      • zoe says:

        Sure this is right tlover. I tend to be such a straight hitter that I’m not so good on the encouraging bit. Which is where things tend to go a bit wrong.

      • T Lover says:

        Zoe,

        Watched “An Education” last night.

        Sixteen year old seduced by older turned out to be married with kids man.

      • zoe says:

        mmm…thanks for the report TLover….I think I’ve got it back on track via email this morning…but it’s been a rocky start…and I still don’t know if he is who he says he is…the rather dismaying thought is that there are a number of trust issues at the beginning of things – hurdles that need to be cleared. Sexual history/health is another one. It’s astonishing that anyone ever gets it together with anyone these days.

  • fi says:

    A Troll – it’s only someone who doesn’t agree with you. We’re allowed to think differently from each other.

    • Fi- have you read as far as the Guiness scene yet?

      • fi says:

        I finished it and have read one and a half other books since then. Well I am spending my days in Turkey at the moment and having a lovely time of it too

      • Fi- I liked it, although I’ve NOT read “Eat, Pray, Love,” and I’m only familiar with the plot because I’ve seen the trailer for the 2010 movie adaptation- There’s quite probably a deeper level of understanding of “Drink, Play, F@#k” for those who have read Elizabeth Gilbert’s text; people who have read both can probably see how the Bob Sullivan character’s story parallels Elizabeth Gilbert’s character, and thus how truly clever Andrew Gottlieb’s parody is- I simply thought that it was funny that someone would actually write a parody, because from what I understand, “Eat, Pray, Love” (both the book as well as the movie) actually never inform the reader or viewer what ends up happening to Elizabeth Gilbert’s husband after she leaves him to explore the world through pasta, Indian meditation and then her relationship with a factory worker in South America….

      • Fi- perhaps you’ll meet a young Turk during your travels !!! : )

      • fi says:

        Scott I don’t think so. There are no men where I am actually. Small hotel full of women sunbathing and eating ice cream. ‘Tis truly excellent – off for a swim now byeeeeee

    • MissM says:

      That is a common mistake actually. In essence a Troll deliberately makes comments with the sole aim of getting a reaction, good or bad. I am saving myself the trouble of further explanation by quoting the following which I stole form somewhere else:

      A Troll is someone who is making a post JUST to piss off others. A Troll will come in and say something inflammatory with the intention of getting the thread fired up. A Troll is NOT someone who says something you disagree with.

  • rosie says:

    No fi, in this case, it isn’t. It’s someone who makes vile, offensive, insulting and ignorant comments about a WHOLE section of society.

  • James B says:

    Zoe – how old is this guy, approximately?

  • nick says:

    In a months time, I will be flying out and “doing something” about my single-ness. So I’ll probably not be contributing much longer anyways…..Hurray!…i hear u cry. Yes I know I’ll be single the rest of my life if I attempt any dating where I am in this country. Dismissed and regarded as “beta” – that’s why I’m somewhat bitter. I have a lot going for me (good job, no debts, own house, don’t drink n’ smoke) – but this isn’t – good enough. Ok Fair enough.

    “Therugbymom – Many of our women don’t consider being perceived as a slut is a bad thing. (I don’t either.)” ……..well I certainly don’t have to add anything further, if you think that’s really ok, I realise I am completely out of step with the so called modern women. – and glad about it.

    Thanks james, I’m actually more easy going in real life, but the dating scene is so unworkable its untrue. Why is it, my grandparents and parents were married for 30-40yrs, and now all I seem to find are people divorced, 3-4 times and looking out for hubbie 5. It’s an attitude of I’ll do what the hell I like, accept my chaotic life or hit the road. True Chris, who has mentioned love in all this – I can’t recall anyone.

    • Did you sign up for one of those mail- order husband websites, where women in eastern Europe get to bid on you and whomever bids the most gets to purchase you?

    • Muriel says:

      Oh nick .. So tragic ..
      You make my gums bleed and bring a tear to my glass eye. Where are you off to anyway? What nationality will the lucky lady be? Will we be invited to the wedding?

    • T Lover says:

      Muriel,

      Bleeding gums – an oral hygiene problem, perhaps, glass eye, weekends spent in a canooo looking out for Weil’s disease.

      No wonder Nick is frightened daft.

      Nick, don’t come back with a Thai bride. Please. Mistake.

      • Muriel says:

        Nick
        No no no. Weil’s disease is a microbe and invisible to the naked eye. No I keep my eyes peeled for BEAVERS. Which are being reintroduced to scotland, yay!
        On which subject, and coming back to the P ‘s original blog topic, I am happy to say Scottish men prefer the “full sporran”.

      • @ Muriel- You didn’t answer my question from my earlier post here- what’s actually wrong with you?

      • Muriel says:

        Scott
        Oh I thought nick and Chris had explained about what wrong with all british women. Just in case you missed those bits, I am (like all British women) a fat, tattooed, materialistic hag. And I am a slut, yet at the same time, strangely, frigid. I smoke and I’m an alcoholic, and I’ve been married 4 times. I wear tarty clothes, and I am offensive to taxi drivers. For some reason, I think I’m the cats miaow.
        Oh yeah and I never, ever wash my –
        uh – genitals.
        I expect the guys will fill you in on anything I missed.

      • Muriel- PERFECT !!!

        Do you want me to send you my cell phone #?

        “Scott Benowitz” is not a pen name- I’m probably to only blogger here who is using both my real first name as well as my real last name, so you can actually find me pretty quickly through a google search….

      • justanotherman says:

        Muriel – “the full sporran” – brilliant 🙂 its almost worth only seeking out Scottish lasses so I can ask them beforehand if they have one. How about going the full hog and getting it died in a tartan – maybe The Black Watch ? 🙂

      • Muriel says:

        Scott,
        What happened to LBB? I am afraid you may be a Don Juan, pretending tobe a plankton.
        Justanother,
        It may well have died, due to lack of use, but I see no point at all in having it dyed tartan; maybe a saltire during the referendum.

      • Jill says:

        Oooh, Muriel, you are a one….! That comment has literally made my day.

      • justanotherman says:

        Oh dear ….sorry dyed. What is it about you Muriel that attracts illiterates. You could of course put your dead one in a canooo. 🙂 Or maybe the X in saltire could mark the spot to aim for all the pricks who cant spell 🙂

      • Muriel- I suspect that LBB has, at least for the moment relinquished her official p’ton status, although I do believe that Ms. P’s rules do permit us to continue to post comments here even while we’re getting some, as long as we still have something potentially interesting to write here.

        And no, I’m not pretending to be a piece of sexual plankton, although it is flattering that you think that I might be, sadly this is in fact very, very real- More specifically, I suppose it depends on your definition- In terms of getting women to give me their (real) telephone numbers and their email addresses, I’m apparently quite the casanova; in terms of getting them to ever return my telephone calls or to write back to me for any reason other than to say that they can’t meet with me and that they’re “too busy for a relationship or even to socialize with anyone at all these days,” or in terms of ever seeing them for a second time, my record since the spring of 2010 has been as disappointing as Ms. P’s- In fact my record is worse than Ms. P’s, she at least seems to have gotten some within the past 2 years on one occasion….

    • EmGee says:

      Nick, I for one, would love to know how your quest for a foreign bride turns out. I hear a lot of talk (not just from you), about how satisfying these relationships are, but never any proof. It’s too bad you have come here to voice your convictions, but when it appears you are going act on them, poof! you are gone!

      Or maybe you are just making this trip up, and you have no intention of leaving your mom’s basement, so to speak, but need a reason to back out of here with your dignity intact . Especially since you have found out that the men who frequent this blog don’t necessarily agree with your assessment of western women, and therefore ‘attack’ your stance. In fact, they are behaving in a fashion you seem to only attribute to women, back bitin’ barracudas that we are!

    • EmGee says:

      Yesss! Thanks Nick. I really wish you well on this adventure, and while I don’t agree with your assessment of western women, I hope you are successful finding someone, wherever she’s from.

    • amouette says:

      Good Luck Nick and all the best – hope it works out for you.

      • nick says:

        thanks for the kind words everyone, i should point out that i have been thinking of doing this for a while, and done a fair bit of research, (before i came across this blog) – plus i’ve spoken to real couples over here about the points of contention and possible snags. thanks muriel – dont cry for me argentina.

    • Elle says:

      Nick, for somebody who is hell bent on finding a foreign wife you spend an inordinate amount of time on this website. Most of that time is spent moaning about local women and beating yourself up for being a “beta”.

      Before you go away, why don’t you go to the gym or for a run instead of hanging out here. The time you spend being negative here would be far better spent improving your health, fitness and overall attitude. This would first and foremost be for YOU, and not for any lady you meet overseas.

      Spouting misery here and moaning about being a “beta” isn’t going to help you here or overseas, no matter what you think. With a more positive attitude you are more likely to attract the right woman wherever you find her.

      Good luck.

      • nick says:

        your certainly right …i will do that……turn a new chapter. i have a lot of prep to do anyways.
        it’ll be a while before i have an update, and will let you know how it goes.

  • P- They’re starting to argue again… we need another post from you- this only happens when you don’t update us for more than a week….

  • @ all you Planktonettes- I just read in The Times that Rupert Murdoch is getting divorced from Wendi Deng, the official announcement was today….

    Ladies, you know this means that he’s available now….

    • Jill says:

      And so, apparently, is Anthea Turner’s unlovely husband, Grant Wotsit. (available). Frankly, I don’t imagine that there will be an ugly rush in either direction, Scott.

  • Jill says:

    Ms P – please come and rescue us. I, for one, would be enormously cheered to hear news of you – ANY news – especially after your oblique reference earlier in the week to another object of interest. And, believe me, I NEED cheering up tonight!

  • James B says:

    I have an acquaintance, a nice but very boring man whose wife ran off and left him (and his children) a few years ago. He is a solid type who has taken the responsibility of bringing his children up in the UK, which he has done very well. He is so boring though that it is remarkable. His best friend, his brother and his business partner all committed suicide – no joke. He is an excruciatingly dull and plodding but earnest conversationalist. Anyway, he found a lovely looking and far younger Romanian girlfriend who immediately became pregnant and they now have 2 boys together. Finally, he began to spend his remaining capital on the kids education and now he has decided to move the kids back to Romania because life is cheaper there. They will be 7 of them in a small apartment there. The glamorous wife is already having affairs and making serious noises about kicking the man out.

    The point is – that the type of man that attracts this type of woman needs to have deep pockets to some extent – otherwise these compliant and previously affectionate ladies lose their admiration and respect for their male partner. This particular lady is not very materialistic and is a great deal more interesting to talk to than her husband but the need to be a good provider is an explicit prerequisite for many “economic-romantic” migrants. Not a new story by any means, but be careful guys….the contract of love is different in each culture.

    • Robyn says:

      I’m intrigued by Rosie.

      In a reverse of the famous Mrs Merton joke , I’ll ask” What is it about your bitterness and sarcasm that causes the men to run towards you?”

  • amouette says:

    Dear Mr B – I really don’t know about the Dalai Lama school of so-called gender neutral wisdom, but I find myself rather attracted to the Ann Widdecombe notion of contentment. As she said in a recent interview, she never specifically decided to stay single, but came to like her single life, and she even found herself preferring it by the time she was in her fifties. Now, she says, if Mr Right tried to come in, she’d repel all borders. And having heard from you how, even in a perfect life/marriage, one is sometimes tempted to go screaming naked round the hall, I find the idea shooeing Mr Right away not altogether incomprehensible. As someone or other said, the moment you form a bond, the seed of corruption has entered your soul. And maybe if you can learn to live with your solo life, and are lucky enough to be self-sufficient, there is perhaps more of a chance of being faithful to yourself. I appreciate that this is not the conventional wisdom, but I do believe that being single is sometimes the better option.

    • Muriel says:

      Amouette
      You’ve got a point.
      And love isn’t available on demand so if it doesn’t turn up you might as well enjoy your life anyway. I’m going out for a curry tomorrow with two of my favourite people (a female friend and a gay man) and am massively looking forward to how much fun we’ll have.

      • amouette says:

        I hope you’re no being ironic Muriel, but do have a great time…

      • Muriel says:

        Thank you; I wasn’t being ironic at all.

      • T Lover says:

        Muriel,

        I am a dope. I read “Beaver”, River Kelvin and thought you must be a Canadian. Silly me. I had forgotten all that fuss around four years ago when a bunch of tree huggers re-introduced the European Beaver to Scotland. Jolly sensible project aided by a fat European grant to go with the fat man bred European Beavers. Is that irony or sarcasm or both?

        I did get the Beaver joke though but thought: Rosie. More brickbats, say nothing.

        A mystery. Where in Scotland can you buy a decent curry? I had a carry out a month ago. Bengali. Half a pint of brown liquid. Six dice sized bits of tasteless chicken. Seven and a half quid.

        I read your curry and gay friend post first thing and have been worrying ever since. It must a be a nerve jangler to be up the Kelvin in a canoe, gay man-friend behind, Curry the night before. Better advice. Put the loo paper in the fridge and have a precautionary lie in.

        Spelling OK? BTW, British begins with a capital B.

    • amouette says:

      Forgive me, Jame B – I think I may have trivialised what I believe (I may be mistaken) may be your fundamental point – that there could be a lot less heartache and broken marriages if people in long relationships could give each other more space to have different relationships – to be true to themselves as individuals as well as a couple. It is maybe the way that Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir lived – their relationship to each other being ‘essential’ while other relationships were ‘contingent’. I don’t think that it worked – certainly not as seen by the ‘contingent’ like Nelson Aldren, Simone’s lover. And I find it difficult to see how it would work for most people, men or women, in practice – because we are imperfect, complicated and vulnerable creatures who feel threatened by rivals in love. And then there is the fundamental issue of children and family cohesion. But maybe I’m not sufficiently evolved. Or- as people now say – maybe it’s generational.

  • Myrna says:

    It is true that men are visually stimulated, and this is why they go for younger women. However, cosmetic surgery is pretty advanced and can keep a woman looking pretty young well past age 50. I am thinking in particular of Cindy Jackson:

    http://www.cindyjackson.com/

    She only dates much younger men. Occasionally she starts looking odd but she soon corrects it and is looking great again.

    • fi says:

      Oh my god. Are we really saying that men choose to stay with or leave a woman based on how pretty she is? And that women should undergo medical treatments to erase any signs of ageing? Ageing in itself is not unnattractive. The unnattractive bit is not looking after yourself. Surely as we get older we become confident in who we are and what we need, and getting surgery to look younger is the antithesis of that and is something needy women do to attract superficial men?

    • Muriel says:

      I can’t understand it, many of the women in the place I work talk longingly of plastic surgery and some have had Botox and fillers. Poor creatures, they must hate themselves.

      • Myrna says:

        I don’t see how it is really any different from getting a new haircut/buying a new wardrobe. It is precisely because it is so trivial that I don’t have a problem with cosmetic surgery. And, although looks are not the sole criterion for most men, they are very important to them. We can all admit this.

      • EmGee says:

        Comparing surgery to a haircut and wardrobe change is a bit of a stretch, isn’t it? Except all three are temporary solutions.

      • Myrna says:

        Men are visually appealing until about 60, and women until about 40. If surgery can keep women looking attractive until 60, then the gap is closed and all is well–once people are 60, they start being interested more in companionship type marriages/relationships and no one is demanding “hotness” in the other. So yes it is temporary but it works until looking older is no longer a big problem for dating people your age.

      • EmGee says:

        “…once people are 60, they start being interested more in companionship type marriages/relationships and no one is demanding “hotness” in the other.”

        I think I am going to need a little more evidence, before I completely embrace that theory. 😀

      • Muriel says:

        Myrna
        There was an article in the Guardian a while back “Things a doctor wouldn’t do” & one anaesthetist said he would never have cosmetic surgery due to the risk of infection. I’ll go for a haircut & a new frock and put the rest of the money in the
        bank. Or go on holiday.
        The woman in my office who had fillers looks simply odd, and doesn’t really seem to be able to speak clearly. Your face is such a complicated thing that messing with it mostly makes you look slightly peculiar.

      • zoe says:

        @emgee “I think I’m going to need a little more evidence before I completely embrace that theory” 🙂
        @myrna “Men are visually appealing until about 60, and women until about 40”. You don’t actually buy that ‘men grow distinguished as women grow old’ nonsense do you? I mean, do you actually use your eyes?

      • fi says:

        @Zoe 😆 agree totally. In fact I think its generally the other way round

      • EmGee says:

        @ Zoe:
        I hope my reply didn’t come across as agreeing with Myrna’s theory, since you lumped them together.

        However, I still don’t agree with the theory put forward awhile back that women don’t care about looks, either (beyond good hygiene and general health).

      • zoe says:

        No, Emgee. It certainly didn’t. I am wholeheartedly in agreement with you.

      • EmGee says:

        🙂

    • malcolm says:

      If dating younger men is an acceptable goal for women, why are middle aged women disappointed in men who’s goal it is to date younger women?

      • fi says:

        Malcolm – come on now. You know not all men and women are like that and I’m sure you wouldn’t be one of those that are.

  • rosie says:

    @ Robyn Never trust a person who doesn’t understand sarcasm. They’re either stupid, dangerous, lacking in empathy, or all three. Margaret Thatcher was famously devoid of any trace of a sense of humour. You may have heard the tale of her announcement that ‘every prime minister needs a Willie’, referring to her trusted side-kick Willie Whitelaw. Apparently she had no idea why people found it amusing. How scary is that.

    And I’m intrigued to know why you would ask of someone who has made no personal attack on you: ‘What is it about your bitterness and sarcasm that causes the men to run towards you?’

    @ fi I really should ignore your little digs but you just couldn’t help yourself, could you, even on your holidays. Sounds like a blast!

    • EmGee says:

      Rosie, I don’t think that word means what you think it means:
      sarcasm |ˈsärˌkazəm|
      noun
      the use of irony to mock or convey contempt : his voice, hardened by sarcasm, could not hide his resentment.

      Unless you do, then I don’t understand why you think people should respond positively to it, or are devoid of humor (or are “either stupid, dangerous, lacking in empathy, or all three”), if they don’t.

    • fi says:

      @Rosie I was being charitable saying ‘disapointed in love’. I meant ‘so unpleasant nobody seems to want to be around you’

  • rosie says:

    Emgee, it wasn’t meant to be taken LITERALLY. I was being sarcastic! I meant sarcasm as in ‘irony’, which is how most people tend to understand the word nowadays, rather than the dictionary definition of biting contempt, mockery and resentment*. Added to which, I didn’t say people should respond ‘positively’ to it. You either get it or you don’t.

    * and as if on cue up pops our fi to prove the point.

    • EmGee says:

      I must apologize, and I mean that in the modern sense; eg “We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused”, which means “‘we’ mean no such thing at all”

      Am I doing it right?

      I had no idea sarcasm was the new irony, then again, we Americans are famous for not understanding irony as well as the Brits.

  • Myrna says:

    Ms. P,

    When I was in my 20s, I had a friend who was in her 40s and in a similar situation to you; she had an SYT in his 30s. The man would come around for sex occasionally and she of course was in love with him. These relationships just do not seem to go well for women because the younger man will very rarely commit. I think it is a good policy to return to “no sex before marriage” if marriage is what you want.

    • Muriel says:

      Myrna
      Really?
      There should be a “dislike” button on this blog.

      • MissM says:

        It would be an interesting experiment. Maybe waiting until marriage is a bit extreme, but at least demand some sort of commitment. Currently men are getting what they want, being commitment free sex, and the women are not getting what they want at all. It’s a win/lose situation when what we need is a win/win situation.

    • The Plankton says:

      I do want marriage. But no sex before it? Not so much. Pxx

  • amouette says:

    ‘If women could understand men and men women , there would be a lot less heartache and shit going down’

    Dear P, you pose these profound questions in your elegantly light-hearted way and we, your posters, often fail to rise to the challenge, trivialising the issues. I hope this doesn’t dishearten you. But if there’s anything that the war of the sexes in these posts amply demonstrates, it is your underlying contention that men and women do not understand one another and that the thing called love hurts.

    • fi says:

      ‘If women could understand men and men women , there would be a lot less heartache and shit going down’
      Really, we understand each other perfectly well, especially when it is explicitly translated for us by other people. What P means is “if women and men could think alike then…”
      I think that would be pretty boring myself though, its the differences that keep the interest.

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you, amouette. Not sure this quote you quote is saying anything very new, but I’m glad you found it elegant and profound. Pxx

  • rosie says:

    @nick, it’s ‘you’re’ (ie shortened from ‘you are’), not ‘your’. If the women you’re aiming at are educated, a potential mate not knowing basic grammar rules is probably going to be a a bit of a turn off for them.

  • rosie says:

    True, not everyone is a spelling and grammar ‘Nazi’, but some people are so it’s obviously better to know the rules.

    • EmGee says:

      That’s rich. Throw out the dictionary, but stick strictly to grammar and spelling rules. Or maybe you are being sarcastic, which nowadays means ironic, or sarcastic as in the archaic (according to you, if not the dictionary) meaning of showing contempt?

      Or just can’t stand to be seen making a mistake or tolerate seeing others make them?

      Anyway, this is the sort of nit picking thing Nick is trying to escape from, I believe.

    • malcolm says:

      Actually no, it’s better to weed potential mates out who might end up sapping your joy for life because of their irrational attachment to irrelevant details and their pathological need to point out your errors. Life’s far too short to put up with bullshit like that.

  • rosie says:

    No, don’t worry, Muriel, I was just trying to do someone a favour but obviously others didn’t see it like that.

  • Muriel says:

    @t lover
    You can get a good curry, but unfortunately I didn’t, it was horrible.

    • T Lover says:

      Try the Kashmir, past the Ahambra next door to the mortuary.. Yum. And a decent price.

      • T Lover says:

        Muriel,

        Please don’t humiliate me again.

        Alhambra

      • Muriel says:

        T Lover
        Secretly, you like being humiliated.

      • T Lover says:

        Muriel,

        Humiliation? I secretly like being humiliated?

        Humiliation type I: George Cole wearing nothing but a nappy, oversized dummy in mouth is tied to the bed by Mrs (“Nanny”) Forthby. Mrs Forthby forgets leaving him all evening.

        Humiliation type II: Lady Maud finds Sir Giles tied to the bed and bullies him into a divorce settlement entirely in her favour.

        Sorry, being tied to a bed whether wearing a nappy or not has never been me.

        Humiliation version II is not me either but, regrettably, the type I seem to attract seem to be “Lady Maud”s with one mission in life. To impose themselves. I think they call this type “women”.

      • T- man, whatever you’ve been smoking, I’d love to try some of that …..

  • rosie says:

    Whatever, emgee.

    • T Lover says:

      Rosie,

      Chin up. Life/people/men are not as bad as you sometimes seem to believe.

      And just think what a disaster life would be if you were a Jock and had no chance of a decent curry.

  • rosie says:

    Don’t let my old English teacher hear you talking like that, Malcolm, you’ll give him a heart attack! But interesting you have a pathological need to point out that I pointed out someone keeps making the same mistake.

  • amouette says:

    ‘I think they call this type “women”‘

    I think i call this kind of commentator a “glutton for punishment”. Save her grace, not unlike Rosie as a matter of fact.

    • Muriel says:

      Amouette
      I think you have misunderstood. This was a facetious exchange. I don’t imagine for one minute that T Lover feels at all humiliated, so there’s no need to spring to his defence. I’m sure he will be posting offensive comments about female genitalia for a long time to come, so please don’t upset yourself.

  • amouette says:

    Muriel,

    Since when calling anyone a glutton for punishment amounts to springing to his defense? I’m sorry but you’ve got the wrong end of the stick.

    • Muriel says:

      Then what on earth are you talking about?

      • amouette says:

        Well Muriel, since you ask – I find it a bit odd that you should presume to know that anyone else – man or woman- wants to be humiliated, or indeed that you should want to criticise their spelling when you yourself turned the Dalai Lama into a ‘llama’ – no doubt facetiously ( your post of June 14 at 6.01). To me, that is no less odd than a bloke labelling all women in a negative way. And it isn’t clear whether you intend such exchanges to be taken facetiously – or as a response to ‘offensive’ comments – eg. about female genitalia. All this looks a bit as if there is one rule for yourself- your critical comments are facetious or sardonic or ironic- but a different rule for everyone else – whose critical comments are offensive or insulting.

      • Muriel says:

        Ah well, the “humiliated” thing really was a joke, and if you trace that exchange back through the thread you’ll see what I mean. It WAS funny! And perhaps a teeny tiny bit flirtatious. As for the Dalai lama thing, well that was tongue in cheek, though actually I do like James posts, his is a voice of reason compared to many.
        And I mis-spelled Lama. 🙂

      • amouette says:

        I’m glad we’re still on good terms (fingers crossed).

  • amouette says:

    And knowing the concern for correct spelling on these posts, let me hasten to add that ‘amounts’ should read ‘amount’.

  • amouette says:

    And just to be clear – it is no compliment to Rosie either to call her a glutton for punishment…

    • Muriel says:

      Yes, I realised that you are not being complimentary; that much is obvious; but the exact cause of your ire is a mystery to me.
      By the way, I am curious about your name; a “mouette” is a seagull, and an “amourette” is a passing fancy, but what is an amouette? Is it a passing fancy seagull? Did you make it up, or is it your real name?

      • amouette says:

        Nothing madly exciting – my username is inspired by some white wine I happened to be drinking at the time I registered which was called ‘Amourette’. I combined it with ‘mouette’ meaning seagull. It wasn’t my first choice but the other names I tried were already taken up.

      • T Lover says:

        McMuriel,

        Enough.

        Make me giggle – please.

  • rosie says:

    Keep digging, amouette.

  • rosie says:

    “No – does is not essential as so happens.”

    An ‘it’ is essential, too.

  • Fi- any encounters with any young Turks yet?

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