New Dawn; 3 Twinkles; Update

September 9, 2013 § 158 Comments

Fuck all all summer and suddenly three twinkles and each and every one of them age-appropriate.  Bleeding miracle!

In no particular order:-

Long-Shot no. 1. (strictly Long-Shot about no. 21, but new academic year, I am setting the clock back to nought, with all the (self)-deception of a second hand car salesman.  Very old friend just separating from his wife.  We are in touch and although he is raw, I have a low-key sort of optimism because of our history.  We go back 30 years and have always fancied each other and I keep hearing stories of women whose husbands have fucked off and they end up much happier with friend from – hey, what do you know? – 30 years ago.  We have texted and plans are afoot but I have to tread with exceeding care.  He may be fucking a hareem of 25 year olds and snorting shit-loads of coke for all I know, but once it is out of his system, I HAVE TO BE THE BETTER BET.  No?  Probably no.  But hey.

Long-Shot no. 2. Being match-made within the month with a seemingly excellent prospect who apparently likes the sound of me, whose (now ex-)wife was – allegedly – a bitch.  He has already had the rebound relationship, is single again and apparently very good news indeed.  Promising.

Long-Shot no. 3. I am being taken out to lunch and dinner a lot by a mid-divorce man who already has a mistress but both the soon-to-be ex-wife and the mistress are psychos by the sounds of things, and he and I have incredibly jolly times together.  But I think he is rather taken with the tedious mistress, who leads him a merry dance and sounds a complete pain in the arse.  As does his wife.  But, as I told him roundly, I am sure he is no saint either.  I think he is probably a better friend than lover.  I don’t intend to try to change matters but if he does, well…

§ 158 Responses to New Dawn; 3 Twinkles; Update

  • Eve says:

    At this point, I’m looking for low-drama and “normal.”

    LS No. 1 Does have promise. Maybe. Possibly. Iffy. May end up on the “wtf was I thinking list.”

    LS No. 2 Go for it!!

    LS No. 3. He has the usual ex wife, no big deal, but also a current mistress, both of whom are supposedly psycho? Three sides to every story and I’m thinking he might be the true psycho. He’s taking you out to lunch and dinner (never free), possibly with the idea of adding you to the mix. Run.

  • maria says:

    P, Long-Shot no.1 is the guy from the other post, right? What happened? Did you ask him out or not?

    • The Plankton says:

      The very one. No, I didn’t ask him out but we’ve exchanged the odd email and text, and he has asked me to help him with something, which I am doing. And my best male friend has also invited us both to supper in two or three weeks. I am taking the slow-burn, hopefully subtle approach. He knows I am here but I am not going to push it. Pxx

  • Erin says:

    Dear P,
    No 1 sounds like a keeper.

    No 2 – wife was a “bitch” and already had a rebound relationship and is now single again. I would be very very leary of this one. I have known too many men whose wives were a “bitch”, who turned out to be decent women who were just sick of putting up with their husbands’ narcissistic shit.

    No 3 – keep as a friend only. I repeat, FRIEND ONLY.

  • Eve says:

    I was thinking that No. 2 has gotten the rebound/transitional relationship out of the way so he may be safer. I’m not sure he labeled his wife a bitch, thought P’s acquaintance did.

    Please keep us posted P!!

  • EmGee says:

    I know there is no such thing as a sure bet, but a couple in this field look like anything but long shots. No 3 ought to scratch. Some men just like the drama of the psychotic bitch like a heroin addiction, no matter how miserable they are, they just can’t stop being abused by these women. They often make good causal dates though, because everyone needs a bit of relief once in awhile.

    Glad you’re back, after what seems like a long lay up. I’d post one of those huge horseshoe wreaths that say GOOD LUCK! If I could 🙂

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you, EmGee. Good to hear from you. Apologies to all about the silence. I guess, sometimes I don’t have the time/stomach/heart to write this blog. But I do seem to keep coming back… Pxx

  • Muriel says:

    #1- still married, and not doing anything about the mutual fancying.
    #2 – surely cannot qualify as a twinkle if you haven’t met him? Beware of so-called friends trying to foist a dud onto you. But how nice to have a date lined up & at the very least there will be a story to tell.
    #3 – aaaarghhh! Run like your hair is on fire! Why are you hanging around this walking nightmare?

  • Charlotte says:

    Hello Plankton — except for the ex-wife being a bitch, #2 sounds very much like the situation the Builder was in when your Lovely Sister set us up. I was skeptical — what does Our Little Town abound in if not brokenhearted divorced builders, but she was right, and he’d just come out of the rebound relationship (and had a serious twinkle himself for your Lovely Sister). Going on five years now … Although I have to say, I’m rooting for #1 myself. I love an old friend romance … and what a relief it would be not to have to get to know someone new … fingers crossed!

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you so much, Charlotte. Please do get in touch with my sister, btw, as she has just fallen in love with the love of her life, and he with her. Tra la la la la! I am so happy for her. Pxx

      • Steve H says:

        Good to see 3 twinkles on the horizon P.Who know what may happen but that’s why they’re classified as twinkles I guess!

        I’m intrigued that Charlotte seems to know your sister. Has the cloak of anonymity started to slip?

      • The Plankton says:

        No. I don’t think so. I can’t remember how Charlotte found out. Charlotte? Are you there? A few close family and friends know, but that’s all. I hope. Pxx

  • Redbookish says:

    Good to hear from you, Ms P. And good luck and have fun!

  • Jackie says:

    Personally, I should steer well clear of LS No.3! Just my opinion but sounds like a nightmare to me? Good luck. I love your blog so much. J X

  • Steve 2 says:

    There is something strangely compelling about your blog. Wonderful writing, yes but there is something more. I guess it’s the vicarious that appeals.
    Having recovered from the slight crush on ol’ Planky I return here regularly, rarely to comment but to observe. In part to wonder at the gaping chasm between expectations, on both sides of the dating experience, and the reality that many of the same single commentators are still here. But mostly I return in the hope that Ms Plankton has met the partner of her dreams and we can all move on.
    Good luck with all three of the Long Shots, I hope you’ll find one of them can carry their own baggage well enough and not care about yours whilst both finding enough mutual attraction for at least a bit of fun.

  • Still thinking about tautness from last week here…. Ow….

  • James B says:

    A female friend of mine (40’s) over here was complaining that there were no men. For years. Recently she has changed jobs and moved apartments. Met a few new friends. She now has 5 or 6 men chasing her. Decent ones too. Change your circumstances, change your life. Sorry to sound like a self-help book!

    Ms P – go for all three! Date ’em all. If nothing else you will meet new people and your social set will expand. My experience of other men tells me that that there are no completely blameless or evil men leaving relationships.

    Happy new academic year!

    • EmGee says:

      “Sorry to sound like a self-help book!” On the contrary James, you are the epitome of common sense. New friendships expand your social circle exponentially, it s true.

      It’s great advice and cannot be repeated too often.

    • PY says:

      “My experience of other men tells me that that there are no completely blameless or evil men leaving relationships.”

      Come on , JB !

      There are always two sides to a coin .

      • Jill says:

        Hang on, PY – I think that James B is in agreement with you…..”no completely blameless” = innocent……or “evil” = guilty …”men leaving relationships.” I.e. it’s never a clear-cut “either/or” situation. With which I totally concur – whether we are talking men OR women. (Suggest another cup of coffee!)

      • PY says:

        Nah, Jill, still don’t think it makes sense, whichever way you read it . JB clarify, please.

        As for ‘guilty’ or not entirely innocent women walking away from relationships and into the dating market, experience suggests that they are there in similar measure to men.

        N.B. I dont drink coffee unless after a meal. A decent cup of Rosie Lee at reguar intervals and I’m a happy man .

      • Jill says:

        Ah well, the lack of coffee explains the fuzzy brain! Mine, on the other hand, is as sharp as a pin, notwithstanding the fact that I am typing this with the assistance of a 7 month old baby who is gurgling loudly and wriggling on my lap.

        I am sure that James B will confirm my interpretation of his penultimate sentence once he is awake (he has a better excuse to be dozing right now since he lives in the US!)

        I look forward to being proved right – always SO satisfactory……. 😀

      • PY says:

        Thanks for setting the record straight, JB and so diplomatically at that.

        Honours even,hopefully, with Jill so peace and harmony should reign in the Shires .

    • The Plankton says:

      Where does this friend of yours live? Pxx

      • James B says:

        She moved from Toronto back to London and she seems re-born, Ms P. Moving so dramatically is not for everyone of course.

        PY – I apologise for my ambiguous comment. I meant exactly that there are two sides to every story. What I meant to say was that the men are never completely blameless at the end of a relationship nor are they ever totally to blame. Quite frankly I cannot understand what came over me – what a banal comment to make. I apologise. I might as well have just written that children are typically smaller than adults. Talk about the bleeding obvious. That’ll teach me to take my patients’ tablets before commenting.

        Just joking. Or perhaps not.

  • Simon says:

    Some advice from one who knows the ups and downs of dating at fifty! Give all 3 LS`s a shot cos sods law dictates 2 will fall off the proverbial cliff before you start! Happy hunting.
    Simon x

  • Muriel says:

    Call me old fashioned, but I fail to see how or why you would “date” a man who is a) married and b) has a girlfriend. It doesnt matter whether he is evil, or blameless, or anything in between. Ack. Although, would you really want to get involved with someone who sniffs around other women while supposedly with you? Well if you go ahead and get burned you will hardly be able to complain, he is showing you and telling you who he is!
    I don’t for the life of me see how it will expand your social scene either if you’re spending your time doing one on one “dates”.

    • Muriel says:

      And, further to that, do you want to be the but of his hilarious stories to the next woman he’s “dating” as “that psycho/tedious plankton” that he just hasn’t quite got round to dumping yet? Nonono. Barge pole.

      • I dated a woman who has a husband, and it was a VERY liberating experience for both of us…

      • Jill says:

        As did my ex-husband, Scott, and now he and I are divorced, as are she and her husband, and we are all considerably poorer in every respect…..Married is just that…married aka off-limits.

      • I wish I could describe for you Jill what an amazing and liberating feeling of relief both she and I felt as soon as we touched each other’s bodies- I did really have an affair with a married woman once, somehow whenever I begin to type her real name and describe our relationship, I keep getting an error message on my computer….

      • The circumstances have to be right- In the case of the woman whom I was with, the timing was right for both of us- It sounds like in the case of your former husband, the circumstances couldn’t have been worse…

      • The Plankton says:

        He is a barge pole but it has to be said he has not laid a finger on me and has been loyal to and about the psycho plankton in his life. So he isn’t all bad. Pxx

  • rosie says:

    P, I agree with Muriel. Tell no 3 to sling his hook. You’re better than being just another notch on some womaniser’s ego. Reminds me of the bloke I used to see whose ex girlfriends were all ‘clingy’. No prizes for guessing what he’s saying about me to his current squeeze.

    • Jill says:

      And – for what it’s worth – I agree with Muriel and Rosie about No.3. Sounds most doubtful to me. Still stand by what I said about No.1 – i.e. be very, very wary of “newly damaged goods” but that’s not to say don’t be a good and kind friend to him in his hour of need, and who knows what may develop. But No.2 sounds like an opportunity (at the very least) of meeting someone new and “suitable” (if only in your friends’ opinion….) If the whole thing is a disaster, at least you will find out if he has a good sense of humour – and he might turn into a good friend. And no one can have too many of those. Good luck – I will be rooting for you. And please let us know how the “encounter” goes!

    • The Plankton says:

      I’ve guessed it. Pxx

  • Omega_Dork says:

    I notice you use language that wouldn’t be allowed in a U.S. paper, a LOT. Not only that, use of that language in the U.S. would mark you as low-class. So, I’m wondering, are things different in the U.K.?

    • fi says:

      Yes, I would say so. In some circles it’s de rigueur to use it.

    • The Plankton says:

      I am through and through trailer trash, obviously. pxx

    • I do still love to marvel at the cultural differences whenever I travel to the U.K.- Over there, the British consider eating pigeons to be a rare delicacy- Here in the U.S., homeless people who live in cardboard boxes under park benches consider eating pigeons to be too disgusting even for them…. All in the eyes of the beholder, I suppose….

      • T Lover says:

        No Scott, it’s like this: The pigeons we eat are wood pigeons. The pigeons we turn our noses up at are town or ferral pigeons and the posh pigeons are in the Queen’s racing loft.

      • T Lover says:

        Wood pigeon = Yum.

        Town pigeon = Yuk.

        Queen’s pigeon = fast.

        Beef and pigeon pie = yum yum

        Women who swear for effect = yuk yuk

      • Yes, and carrier pigeons or “courier pigeons” have contributed to the outcomes of battles, dating as far back as the bronze age, up into WWI. Until very recently, post offices in some third world countries still used them occasionally after natural disasters when electricity, telephone lines and roads were out of service for several weeks. And to be honest T, I like women who use foul language, and I get excited when I hear them speak fowl language too- Get it? “foul/ fowl” … pigeons? Get it??? It’s a play- on- words, see…. “fowl / foul” ….

      • T Lover says:


        Sorry, it’s birds that use fowl language.

        If your Ma heard you saying those things – smack on the bottie for Scott.

        Scene one: Mrs T Lover hits her thumb with a hammer. Ok to swear? Bang on. Research suggests swearing numbs the pain.

        Jill (she’s been sniffy with me for a while) is at the Waitrose till. Says to the cashier. You’ve got a taut twat. Completely and absolutely scummy. Jill would never say that in a million years – which is exactly the point. A nice person wouldn’t, man or woman. And who wants to read/listen to that sort of thing from a woman?

        Fi and T Lover. In a moment of high passion she screams (I’ve been on uppers this afternoon) that’s blank blank BLANK fantastic. Fine (except she would be a liar and my imagination is soaring).


        It all depends on context doesn’t it?

  • MissBates says:

    Well, here in my “high class” law firm on Park Avenue, we fucking curse constantly. But that’s litigators for you.

    • fi says:

      🙂 that’ll be why you don’t have a boyfriend then

    • What the *%&@ woman, you work in a midtown law firm, you’re expected to know better that to say ƒš¥ø¿þ‹›ª like that !!!

      I mean žŒ€¤ß me if you’re gonna converse like that in a midtown law office !!!!

    • The Plankton says:

      Bring it on, Miss Bates! Pxx

    • Well Miss Bates, looks as if I’ll be spending another upcoming weekend with your former husband, “Mr.” one again…

      Before you all write back, TMI, TMI, TMI Scott, Way TMI, I just want to point out here how easy you ladies have it with this one- When stressed, you ladies can simply reach down, some gentle caressing and then a few tugs on those very taut piano wires, and then BINGO !!! You’ve alleviated months of pent-up tensions over the course of a mere few minutes… and then you can immediately wash your hands of the entire matter after wards- Quite literally- You ladies don’t have to shower and wash an entire load of laundry afterwards ….

      • Fi says:

        Scott, I find your comments pretty distasteful and sometimes offensive. I for one am fed up reading your sexual and masturbatory references. There must be websites that cater to your ‘needs’ that would allow you to relieve yourself. I am afraid whenever I read stuff like this that you have written I just imagine you typing quicker and quicker, licking your lips as you type trying to get to the end in a fevered hurry, before having to break off fumbling with your belt buckle and zip in your haste to get to your semi erect penis before shoving your hands down your (probably pastel coloured) y fronts below your overhanging beer gut. Having put that image into every body else’s heads now, I think you should realise that every time you put your sexual innuendoes on here, EVERYONE ELSE will also now imagine you fumbling too. Not a pretty picture. Have a nice day now 🙂

      • Fi- Yes, I do drink, I don’t really have a “beer gut” at all- If you’re curious to see what I look like, feel free to look me up in google, bing or yahoo- “Scott Benowitz” is not a pen name, that’s actually my real name- I have no wife, no-ex wives, no girlfriend and no children, so I have nothing at all to lose by writing into Ms. P’s blogsite here with my real name- There are presently 3 people named “Scott Benowitz” living in the U.S. that I know of- I’m not the one who is the professional chef somewhere in Long Island, and I’m not the one who owns a mining and excavating equipment supplies company out west in Montana- All other Scott Benowitz’s that you’ll find through a search engine will probably be me….

        — – — – — – – – – – — – – –

        I wear boxers, not briefs- Men’s boxers are usually sold in 3 packs, with 3 different designs per pack, usually a combination of stripes, dots or plaid patterns, and they’re usually made from a blend of 50% polyester/ 50% cotton fabric…

        Didn’t mean offend or to frighten anyone, just offering insights into the life if a male sexual plankton in the 2nd decade of the 21st century…..

  • What the *%&@ woman, you work in a midtown law firm, you’re expected to know better than to say ƒš¥ø¿þ‹›ª like that !!!

    I mean žŒ€¤ß me if you’re gonna converse like that in a midtown law office !!!!

  • Annie P says:

    A twinkle or two (or three) is a great way of putting a spring in your step and there is nothing more alluring than a woman who feels wanted/desired or hopeful of being so. You may find that this is preparing you for twinkle No. 4 who is not yet on the scene, but may be about to step into your world.

    As Mae West said, ‘It’s better to looked over, than overlooked’ – what a gal!

  • Annie P says:

    ‘It’s better to be looked over, than overlooked’.

  • Claudia says:

    A sophisticated intellectual who swears? Très posh – irrespective of social class. Not so sure about the use of the word ‘low-class’ though. Isn’t it a tad retro?

  • Omega_Dork says:

    “Low-class” is used all the time in the U.S. It just means “of the lower classes”. Maybe it is retro in the U.K.

    As for using vulgar language in the workplace, don’t they have HR (human resources) offices in Britain? In the U.S. all companies and government offices of any size have them and you’d be hauled up before one and sent to a sensitivity-training class or threatened with termination for using such language because you “created a hostile work environment”.

    So, seriously, when the times prints your article they include the “fucks”? That would never, never, never happen in a U.S. paper.

    • I guess they have more important things to worry about over in England- Like eating pigeons, for example …..

      • T Lover says:

        No Scott, that’s not right either.

        I’m in the front kitchen, Fi on one knee, Rosie on the other. We are watching/listening to the Star Trek suite on the Proms.

        Muriel is on the rug checking the dog for pets and EmGee is straightening the pictures.

        Not a pigeon in sight.

      • Jill says:

        And I get sent to Waitrose to be obscenely rude to a poor defenceless till person… fair is that? If I get spotted behaving like that, I am never going to meet Mr Wonderful in Waitrose, am I, FGS?! 😆 (“Other supermarkets are available”….)

      • T Lover says:

        Actually, Jill, I think we might be on to something here. Waitrose/John Lewis seems to be staffed by a sort of superior type – the sort at make it obvious they are doing you a favour taking your money.

        So, Waitrose would be bearable if I could shop with the head blogger. At a secret signal she could mutter what I am thinking, for eg t**t, leaving innocent me to look on feigning disbelief.

    • fi says:

      God everyone swears where I work. Thank god we aren’t sent on ‘sensitivity training’ (shudder)

  • James B says:

    I had a patient today who swore non-stop for an hour. Every sentence. What is more she/he (I cannot divulge) – is a bigamist. I would love to tell more but I cannot, sadly. Incredible, the power of human denial.

    • EmGee says:

      As has been pointed out, context is everything, but I wish some people could have their day to day conversations recorded and played back to them in order to hear how other people hear them. A bit like people who start every sentence with “Um”, and/or end every sentence with “ya know?”, eventually it gets irksome to others, unless one is in a roomful of swearers, then it just becomes white noise.

      Excuse me, I have just now spotted some misaligned pictures that need my attention….

      • Fi says:

        Picture straightening? Bet you wish you were getting a good seeing to from T like I was

      • EmGee says:

        Go ahead gloat!!!!!!


      • T Lover says:

        Oh no, what have I been saying?

        Had a sleep breaking problem that came to a head yesterday morning.

        Teetotal Mondays to Thursdays. Legless yesterday afternoon onwards.

        Sorry Fiona. I promised I would never tell.

        Anyway, here in La La Land I am paying for it this AM. The best description is “jaded”.

      • T Lover says:

        Fi, forgot to mention. Yesterday morning the lift doors opened and out popped a woman who was – guessing – six two, six three and although shapely, big

        With a Rasta man at five feet or maybe less. Built like a jockey. I missed the lift. Watched them walk away. Stood rooted, catching flies

        So, Fiona. Is there any hope for “us”?

      • Fi says:

        Well T that is a delightful image. You are selling the idea to me well.

      • T Lover says:

        Dat’s me julie.

        Rosie. You can come here for Christmas. I have had seven or eight Christmases on my own. Didn’t enjoy it last year. Was lazy and disorganised. Most times I do. Anyway, you are welcome. Stop moaning.

        Several conjoined but disparate subjects. One: Muriel’s point about different types of intelligence. Very true. There is also animal intelligence.

        So: my dog can do incredible things. I’m not talking about licking her own backside. Her speed of reaction. Her sense of smell. And no-one needs to give her lessons on conception and whelping.

        Then there’s the difference between men and women. Which takes me to Jill discovering that humorous card when she was helping out in Age Concern. One of my favourites shows a woman and a mechanic peering under the car bonnet. Ah, says the mechanic, your battery is flat. Oh, says the woman, what shape should it be?

        And animals and intelligence reminds me that we are just animals after all. See that “Horizon” programme last (?) week about sex? The research which showed that lap dancers (yuk) earned substantially more money during the middle six days of their menstrual cycle?

        A partial explanation perhaps as to why men – so you women say – always go for younger women?

        There was something else but I have forgotten.

      • Jill says:

        Oh dear, T, it sounds as if I should alert one of my colleagues at Age Concern about organising a visit… are obviously having “senior moments”….. 😉

      • T Lover says:


        Just noticed that you have also had a Muriel invite.

        There you are…invitations coming thick and fast.

        Pack your bag and head north. Now.

      • I wonder how someone would go about conducting this study- In fact I wonder how someone proposed this study, and then somehow got approval as well as funding for it….

        “See, my staff and I are intending to visit The Spearmint Rhino as well as several other strip clubs, including both those which are operating legally as well as a number of which are operating illegally- We’re going to ask the “dancers” who work in these establishments to keep a written nightly tab of how much money they earn over the course of the next 5 months, then we’re going to assemble an Excel chart of their earnings, and then we’re going to compare their earnings against their monthly feminine cycling, to attempt to determine whether or not there’s a statistical correlation- For purposes of statistical accuracy, we think that we’ll need to collect data from a sample of at least 200 different women, and oh yes, we’ll also need a software technician to configure a program so that we can run a regression analysis of our data… And then we’d like to hire translators, so that we can get the results of our study published in foreign scientific journals as well….”

    • Jill says:

      James B, I always read your comments with interest and – dare I say it – admiration for your common sense and wisdom. However, I think your clarification above was just a tad TOO diplomatic – solidarity as between boys perhaps?! 😉 Where’s my tenner, PY…?!

      The phrase you used in your latest post about human capacity for denial struck a major chord with me as I am ever fascinated about people and their behaviour. Have you in the US in your profession recognised a condition called Narcissistic Personality Disorder yet? I have done some research into it, and was interested to see this week that the disgraced politician Chris Huhne had written an article for The Guardian claiming that his downfall was solely the result of a vendetta against him by the press, notably the Murdoch press. There was a scathing comment about his “mea non culpa” by the columnist Janice Turner in The Times last week.

  • Omega_Dork says:

    Let me make it clear I was NOT calling Plankton low-class. I was asking, out of curiosity, whether standards were different over there than here.

    • EmGee says:

      As far as not censoring language and showing nudity, the UK & most European countries are much more liberal. Showing violent acts, especially from real life events, not so much as the US. At least that is the way it was, maybe it has changed.

      So yes different standards, but I though I ought to quantify what I meant.

    • Joules says:

      I am a swearing american living and working in the UK. Swearing happens regularly in our work place. Especially from our director of research, whose office is down the hall from mine. I often start my day to the sound of the Prof. almost literally beating his keyboard against the wall and using the f word at volume. Adds to the fun. There is a certain “if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen” attitude towards it. Coming from a farm in Nebraska there was no HR department. I learned to swear at my father’s knee.

  • rosie says:

    I only noticed the date on this once I’d finished reading it, but looks like not much has changed in 20 years. Meanwhile, seeing as it’s September, can anyone tell me what to do about another fucking singleton (I stopped counting at 13) Christmas? I’ve thought of the obvious but that seems a bit drastic.

    • Muriel says:

      Don’t read that kind of stuff.
      Most of the “evidence” is merely anecdotal and anyone can probably match those anecdotes with ones that prove the opposite.
      The “statistics” refer to less births in the war years. My mum was a postwar baby, so I’m not going to date a 70 something, older than her.
      Also I am not looking for a baby father or mealticket, and I am guessing neither do you.
      As for Christmas, my advice is to ignore, ignore, ignore.
      I’ve had some horrible ones – driving all the way to London (with 2 small kids) from the north of Scotland, stuck all night in a traffic jam at Gretna, then all of us coming down with severe flu, mum being a bitch cos she thought I was pretending, etc etc.
      Enjoy the break from work, go for a country walk, cook yourself something nice, clean the house etc etc. It’s a total load of shit and if I didn’t have kids I’d be delighted to ignore it.

      • Muriel says:

        I share an office with another plankton. She does not, and never has, celebrated Christmas. She does not buy presents, put up decorations, etc. She doesn’t approve. On The Day, she orders a takeaway curry and stays in her pyjamas, as do her adult kids if they’re around, and they watch crime dramas on telly. No turkey, no trimmings. They like it.

      • Muriel says:

        The only reason you worry about Xmas is because you imagine everyone is having a fantastic time. No. Most of the population are
        1. Getting fat on food the don’t even like
        2. Having rows with relatives
        3. Getting given shit they don’t want
        4. Being forced to spend money they dont have, on presents for people they don’t like
        5. Drinking to much
        6. Wishing it was all over,
        Etc etc etc

      • EmGee says:

        I use Xmas as an excuse to go home and visit my ever dwindling family, but except for my very young niece, none of us exchange presents, but we do over-indulge in food, but it’s really, really good food.

    • Muriel says:

      Em Gee
      My point was really it can be whatever you want it to be. We have it shoved down our throats by the advertisers that it should be in one particular mode (which of course involves massive spending) but you can can do whatever you like.
      Rosie you can visit me if you like!

    • The Plankton says:

      Just read this and lost all hope. Pxx

  • James B says:

    Jill – “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” is very much an American label – check out the DSM-5 which you can read about online. It is not really a precise condition, just a sophisticated label for a bunch of ‘disorders’. BUT, you’ll know it when you see it. I specialise in these areas along with “Borderline Personality” disorders. Narcissists are usually insecure people who see the world through a very personal and distorted filter where everything is about them. Everything. Borderlines are emotionally fluctuating casualties. Sometimes people have both (are “Co-morbid).

    These two conditions, in extreme forms, always make relationships almost impossible to survive for the more ‘normal’ partner. In fact – although I hate labelling people, I would urge anyone to be aware of these conditions so that you can spot and avoid romantic entanglements with people who exhibit these symptoms. Although I make a living treating this class of patient, I would say the best form of defence is ‘not being there’. So read up on this stuff and when you see it coming your way – RUN!

    • EmGee says:

      Re: “Narcissistic Personality Disorder”, Here’s one now:

      Daily Fail, but nonetheless, I don’t thin it is one of their made up stories. Not only does this woman come across as insufferable, but she obviously lives in the upper echelons of society, yet is so narcissistic and attention seeking that she grants a tell all interview with the low-brow Mail.

      I don’t think anyone needs to ‘dumb down’, but learning a little compassion (okay, a lot) might go a long way to freeing her from planktonhood.

      • EmGee says:

        Oh, and it suddenly occurs to me that she dumb down to reach this audience, but not budge an inch when it comes to a relationship. Not as gratifying, maybe?

      • Muriel says:

        There are different kinds of intelligence. Academic intelligence is highly valued in our society, at the expense of emotional and social intelligence. They do still matter though, and it sounds as though this woman is a little lacking in those departments.

      • Fi says:

        The DM is always doing this though – putting up older women saying provocative things whether it is Samantha Brick, or Shona Whatever her name is or Kate Mulvey (who they’ve had before). I wonder how much editing the paper does too to what they say in the first place to make them sound even more provocative and generate a response from the readers.
        You can see it in the provocative nature of what Liz Jones says, and the way the paper prints pictures of older famous women looking rough and then says “don’t they look wonderful?” i think they do it just to encourage women to come back in the comments section saying “No they don’t, my dog looks better than that”. I think they dislike women really, either that or the editor is a bitch or thinks all women are bitches or they want to increase readership, but the paper does it nearly every day in the Femail section where this came from.

      • Muriel says:

        Yes, she even looked quite grim in the photos. They have photographed her to look mean and scary as hell.

      • EmGee says:

        The full length shot was pretty deliberately shot from below to make her look intimidating, but I didn’t find any of them grim or scary. I rather like that they hadn’t been retouched to ‘improve’ her looks. Even if the Mail’s intent was to have her look her worst, she looks pretty good. I think the she looks better at fifty than she did in 2000, too.

  • rosie says:

    That’s just it though Muriel, I don’t want to do those things on my own. Been there, done that and got the t-shirt – a whole sodding walk- in wardrobe’s worth of t-shirts. Maybe if I had children it wouldn’t feel so bad, but I don’t so there’s not much I can do about that. I know lots of people hate Christmas and just go through the motions year after year (why do we put up with it, like sheep? Selfridges puts its stonking great ‘Happy Christmas’ sign up in October, ffs) but I can’t feel their misery, only my own, sadly.

    I might take you up on your offer, either that or ask someone to chloroform me and bludgeon me round the head with a heavy set frying pan!

    • Muriel says:

      No to the frying pan.
      I’d recommend “a round heeled woman” by Jane Juska. It’s about a 66 yo long term plankton who decides she’s not dead yet. Make of it what you will but it’s much better reading material than all these gloomy pseudo scientific articles.

  • rosie says:

    Maybe a decent haircut would help KM as well. What the hell is going on with that barnet, but that’s the Daily Fail for you – make women look as stupid and ugly as possible. And the tragedy of it is that it sells.

  • Muriel says:

    There is an article in Grazia this week, by a man, entitled “I’m only happy when my wife fails”. So it may be that KM isn’t entirely wrong. Men are jealous! That’s why we are plantons!
    Alternatively, it merely signifies that newspapers and magazines will print any old bollocks, and if it makes women so anxious that they rush off
    and spend all their spare cash on the makeup, clothes, and plastic surgery peddled by their advertisers, so much the better.

    • PY says:

      OMG , Muriel ! Breaking the omertà of the fashionistas and publishing world during London Fashion Week – you’ll be burnt at the stake outside Vogue House if they catch you .

      Oh you heretic, you.

      Imagine, an entire industry and its various sub groups cynically built and maintained by exerting peer pressure on women and the exploitation of any propensity for insecurity.

      In the past 5 years I have seen the street I work on transformed into a top end , global , fashion destination . The majority of the former traders, from pharmacists, art dealers and butchers to Italian cafes have been driven out by the landed estate. It’s social engineering and it is only a matter of time before our office function is also forced out. The rents have tripled, entirely fuelled on the back of female fashion and the buying power it generates. The average shopper is probably international as it is they who predominantly have the buying firepower for the brands on offer.

      A girl of means can now buy frocks , shoes or handbags, have her hair crimped, buy lingerie or war paint across a huge interconnected swathe of the West End. From Marylebone High St in the north, cutting south across the mass market of Oxford St and Selfridges , zigzagging east via the now Holiest of Holy, Mount St, towards the traditional stomping ground of Bond St and south via Dover St to Piccadilly before perching with her bags for an expensive but, no doubt, well earned cuppa at the Ritz.

      When you next walk into a large high st Boots, try looking through a mans eyes. Scan the seried ranks of expensively displayed lotions and potions as you go through the front door. See if you can spot the single shelf of razors , deodorants and toothbrushes. It will probably be in the basement.

  • Omega_Dork says:

    Thanks to the internet, you can google and see that KM has written this same article, basically, over and over again, and had it published in different news papers. You can also see she sometimes lies about her age. She says now she is 49, but five years ago she wrote an article where she said she was 42.

  • Jill says:

    Greetings Ms P. Something to make you smile on a chilly Monday morning – or so I hope…..I saw a greetings card at the weekend which made me giggle and think of this blog: a very elderly couple are pictured dancing together in the old-fashioned way, and she is telling him “No, I said I have acute angina.”

  • rosie says:

    I could read all the books on planktonhood that had ever been printed but it wouldn’t make any difference. I’m sure even Jane Juska (who is a mother and grandmother so not really in the same boat) would rather find love than be writing books, money notwithstanding, about being on her own. Can’t say I’ve ever seen (m)any books written by men on the same subject and if there are they’re more likely to have actively chosen their solitary existence or they’re the kind of sad, misogynist no hopers that pop up on here.

    As for men and intelligent women, in my experience many men do have a problem with it if you’re smarter (or they perceive you to be smarter) than them.

    • Kenny says:

      “Or they’re the kind of sad,misogynist no hopers that pop up on here”

      Thanks Rosie for that. You’ve just dismissed all the male contributors with one airy generalisation.

      I’ve read this blog on and off for a year and I have to say you’re the only person that constantly sounds off in an ultra bitter tone.

      “Rosie’s charm school” No, I don’t see it either. I guess your application for the Diplomatic Service didn’t proceed to interview either?

      Dismiss if you will, but if you tried to be a tiny little less bitter….who knows?

      *Sarcasm alert* I guess my real problem is that I can’t cope with your superior intelligence!

  • rosie says:

    Sorry about that Kenny, I’ve obviously hit a nerve. If you actually read what I said you’ll realise I wasn’t dismissing *all* the men who comment on here (hence ‘pop up on here’), just the sad misogynist losers. Or maybe you don’t think there are any. And sorry if you feel the need to comment on my ‘superior intelligence’. Like I said, some men seem to have a problem with intelligent women.

  • rosie says:

    And by the way, you’ve just done a good job of making yourself sound very bitter indeed.

  • James B says:

    Wouldn’t it be a wonderful thing if there was an iPhone app that we could use to change our moods and our outlook on life.

    “Click” – no bitterness. “Swipe” – feeling grateful for what we do have. “Tap” – for optimism and positivity.

    We could put a chip in our head to partner the app. I’d subscribe …

    Oh well …

    • fi says:

      But in your line of work you must know that there have been several studies about exactly this and there are many things that can be done, meditation being one of them, and surely the effect of diet, exercise and ensuring sufficient sleep has been proven to have an effect on moods. Along with that old favourite of counting your blessings. You seem to be implying that these mindsets are fixed as oposed to being a matter of choice.

    • EmGee says:

      Wouldn’t that make your profession obsolete James? 😉

      (I am under the impression you are a therapist of some sort)

    • T Lover says:

      And I would subscribe if I could have the “chip” fitted to the girlfriend.

      • Muriel says:

        You want “robogirlfriend” then, who is utterly obliging, never ever critical of anything you do or say, and will put up with any old shite?
        I think what James was getting at is that we and our moods and irrationality are the problem, not other people. But it seems you don’t accept that concept, and feel that other people are all to blame if there’s any disagreeableness.

      • T Lover says:

        Muriel, afternoon.

        This morning I was in the barth (for the benefit of these city types that comment, I put coal in the bath and wash in the barth) a place in which I am at my most vulnerable. Naked. Not able to escape easily. Hot water. Horizontal and on my back. You know the scenario. When she comes in asking about my plans for next week.

        With hindsight I should have seen trouble riding over the horizon because she sat on the windowsill and used the phrase “what are your fixed points next week?” – a most peculiarly phrased question.

        So. I says. I have to see dah dah (a pal) one evening. And I want a days fishing before the trout season ends. And you have to go to London. And…by this time I am scratching my head.

        This response is followed by an explosion. I have forgotten her birthday. Have I booked that lunch I promised? Er, no. But Muriel, I hadn’t forgotten her birthday. I had just forgotten it was next week.

        By this time she is off the windowsill. Her torso is at 45 degrees over the bath. Dragon’s breath inflicting all over burns. The water starts to boil. Then I make it worse. I couldn’t remember (wife) birthday either. I know the children were born in dah and dah. This makes it worse and some. 45 degrees and almost top note.

        At that moment if I had had James app…at the touch of a button I could have changed the mood, that bout of total unreasonableness. See what I mean?

      • Muriel says:

        Open and shut case of assholery. (slams gavel down). I sentence you to an expensive meal, big bouquet of roses and a piece of expensive jewellry.

      • Fi says:

        Ha ha ha ha. Am I the only woman that finds that story of T’s really funny?

      • Fi says:

        Especially the use of the phrase “with hindsight”

      • EmGee says:

        I found the telling of it hilarious. 😀 Glad you can find humor in it, T.

        Seriously though, I find ambushing and trapping someone in a vulnerable situation cowardly and mean. One of my bf’s exes would walk in on him sitting on the crapper and do the same thing, I can’t imagine living around the kind of person tramples on personal space like that.

        And it’s a set up from the get-go. Unless her birth was the Second Coming, she has no excuse for going ballistic over something that hasn’t even happened yet.

        Remembering past accounts of your gf’s emotional unbalance, I gave you a pass on the “chip” fitted to the girlfriend’ post. However, your fault lies in putting up with her execrable behavior, then complaining about it in a lengthy (although humorous) diatribe here. Take the dog and your tackle and dump her.

        She’s obviously one of those Narcissistic Personalities James has warned us of.

      • fi says:

        Yep I agree – I thought he’d decided to extricate himself ages ago.
        But I love the description of the dragon’s breath, water boiling and the image of her roaring at him as he lay there quaking naked in a few inches of water with no understanding of what he’d done wrong or where things were headed till long after he’d inadvertantly made the whole thing worse.

      • Muriel says:

        I disagree, birthdays are important. In my family we never ever forget them and celebrations are planned well in advance. At the moment we are coordinating operations for aunties birthday in October. I’ve never had a husband/boyfriend forget mine (they’d be toast if they did) and of course I never forgot theirs.
        Anyway, t lover is clearly a drama lover too. I used to be too, nothing better than a shouting match, but just can’t be bothered any more.

      • EmGee says:

        Who said birthdays aren’t important?

        While her birthday wasn’t on his mind at the very moment the question was posed, I gather from his post that sometime within the week, something probably would have jogged his memory, if he hadn’t simply remembered on his own anyway. If the day came and he really had forgotten, then she might have an ax to grind. Pre-emptively punishing someone for something that hasn’t happened yet is wrong.

        I wonder if, had he responded the way she wanted, if she would have lavished love and affection on him with the same energy she vented her anger, when he gave the ‘wrong’ answer?

      • T Lover says:

        Well I don’t know.

        My current relationship has been on and off more than a bride’s nightie.

        I cope by either taking the waz at a later date or turning deaf or both. Both defensive shields seem to make her even more annoyed.

        I ask myself: Why have I been married twice? Why am I so unlucky with “women”? Why can’t I make Rosie smile?

  • Muriel says:

    So she shouted at you when you were in the bath. You poor, poor ickle bunny.
    Get over it, or find yourself a doormat, oops, I mean someone with a more placid temperament. I have shouted at people in the bath, and been shouted at in the bath. I shout at my son when he’s having a crap, because he spends hours in there while we all need to use the bathroom too.

    • Muriel says:

      Your narcissistic online harem have told you she is a monster, but I would beg to differ.

    • EmGee says:

      Sounds like you have anger management issues.

    • T Lover says:

      That’s another thing.

      She has this thing about a contraption – hard to describe – around six or seven inches tall, two/two and a half inches in diameter which she puts in the bathroom window.

      It has a flashing light at the front. Works using batteries. When it spots you it makes a phut type of noise and squirts out this nauseating air freshener.

      I turn it to face the wall so it can’t see me but she turns it back again. I try to loosen the batteries. I crawl in under its radar.

      It drives me bananas. I put my toothpaste on the sill and get a bleary eyed facefull of cheap perfume every morning.

      Sorry to hear you have been shouted at in the bath. I can’t imagine why or what was said. To cure your boy’s problem have you thought about more fibre in his diet?

      • EmGee says:

        Maybe her boy’s problem isn’t fiber, maybe he needs a girlfriend. 😉

        No news, just lurking, there just wasn’t much to comment on during Ms P’s spell of nonposts, that hadn’t been hashed over before.

      • Fi says:

        Eh? are we the narcissistic online harem? if so, EXCELLENT 🙂

      • Muriel says:

        T lover
        Well, I agree I would hate to have such a thing in my bathroom (whose bathroom is it anyway?). Cant you secretly disarm it? Passive aggressive, perhaps, but may save your lugs.
        Putting on my cod psychologist hat here, and puffing thoughtfully on my pipe, I can state categorically that she is a sociopath and possibly a psychopath too.

      • T Lover says:


        Somehow I don’t see a pipe.

        I see this small hirsute woman woman lying in the bath whilst an angry lover screams: Use the frigging Immac.

      • T Lover says:

        Well, that leg pull was like striking a match on a sausage.

      • T Lover says:


        Well, you said you preferred the full sporran and, later, that less body hair equalled a bigger heating bill.

        So don’t sulk.

        And there must be something which will provoke some more light hearted banter.

        Rosie: did she say yes to your invitation? Silence as to mine but I suppose that’s to be expected given that I am a male pig.

  • Anybody ever notice the T Lover, Mrs. T Lover and Dr. T Lover are oddly enough, never visible in the same place at the same time?

    Hhmmmmm ….. I’ll be thinking about why this might be for the rest of the weekend now…

  • Muriel says:

    T lover
    I never sulk, its passive-aggressive. (my favourite description), and in any case I couldn’t care less about unflattering comments. Whatevs.
    I do however work for a living and at the moment am working 10 to 12 hours a day.

    • T Lover says:

      Some people are funny, aren’t they?

      Dish it out but don’t like to take it even if it is just a leg pull based on something he/she said.

      Anyway, I shall do my lines with good grace.

      On a twist to the Thai bride theme. Wedding last weekend. Bride’s Father’s best university friend went from married, children and butch to pink, limp and very camp and did it overnight.

      Started to give pink this, pink that as presents.

      Gradually reverted since to moderately macho.

      And now has a Chinese boyfriend half his age. A Thai groom?

  • Triumphrider says:

    Came across this blog. Interesting and pretty accurate as far as dating after forty is concerned. Of course, I am a man who dates exclusively women in my age bracket so things often work out in my favor. However, women now know what men go through in adolescence and early adulthood.

    FWIW, I have found a number of self-defeating behaviors of forty-something divorced women when it comes to dating. The first is the elusive “chemistry” thing. It takes a man three dates to answer the “chemistry” question. The woman decides sometime between the drinks and the appetizer. This often leads to two major mistakes. First, if the woman decides she isn’t feeling it she is often dismissing a potentially good boyfriend because of something superficial like a conversation that veered off on a tangent before hitting a dead end (happens to happily married couples everyday) or the color of a shirt. Second, if the woman decides she is feeling chemistry she assumes the man is also. This often results in a woman going home with a man only to learn after a week of unanswered phone calls or texts that the man has decided he isn’t feeling any chemistry.

    Most of the dates that have developed into relationships since my divorce have been with women ten or more years older than me. I guess being a forty-something who dates women nearing retirement makes me an anomaly but these relationships work out because we are often on the same page.

    • EmGee says:

      You are an anomaly for sure, but you also seem to have a level head when it comes to dating. I think you may be right about the 3 dates thing, although I may be the exception, since I like to get to know someone before I pay much attention to ‘chemistry’, which is basically our hormones trying to overrule our sense, imho.

    • Why do you intentionally stick with women in your own age group? Gets VERY interesting with women who are older or younger, at least that’s what I’ve found….

      • Triumphrider says:

        Actually, right now I am involved with a woman fifteen years older than me. She just turned 64. You are right, it can be interesting. However, once the novelty of the age gap wears off it is just like any other relationship. Truth is, she doesn’t look 64 so we don’t get much in the way of disbelieving looks. People figure she is my slightly older girlfriend, not my overly affectionate mother.

        I find that women 5 years younger to 5 years older — recently divorced 40 to 50 somethings — for the most part have not adapted to being single at our age. They get divorced thinking it is going to be like it was when they were 25 and are in for a total shock when they realize that a 45 year old man no longer has to tolerate the games women play. (Hint: say what you want and mean what you say.) A 55 to 65 year old woman understands that “good enough” and “settling for” are two entirely different things. Sorry to say that most 45 year old women are still trying to figure that one out.

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