October 4, 2013 § 298 Comments
Thank you all for all your wishes of good luck. I need it now more than ever.
And it was a lovely evening but I am, as I guessed, not much the wiser and I think of my current situation a bit like a game of pin-ball. He can shoot his ball-bearing-self in the direction of any number of targets and will land more or less randomly at the destination of one lucky woman. Chances of it being me? A shiny nil.
No better than this time yesterday. Though he did at one point tell me I was looking beautiful. I hesitate to write that as it could make me sound like a self-congratulatory arsehole. Only it doesn’t really because any nice fellow will say that willy-nilly to any woman who crosses his path at some point on Automatic Pilot Being Nice Mode. It’s what kind men do to women, sure fire as “I’m fine thanks,” follows “How are you?” even if you feel like shit.
I take no more away from it than that the man has manners.
Subject of Matt came up, an old friend we both hung out with in the old days. He said something about my sleeping with Matt, then.
“But I never slept with Matt!”
“What? Are you serious?”
“Yes, I kept thinking it was going to happen and it never did. I never did find out why.”
“But that’s why I never made a pass at you, because I thought you were fucking Matt. Blimey…”
A “blimey” I hope imbued with regret, but can’t be sure.
“Well,” I said, “I wish…” Then I stopped myself. Already said too much. It was obvious what I wished, and couldn’t afford to.
The subject ended abruptly , possibly with a bit of awkward laughter but it all happened so fast I don’t remember.
We are both free and available now and so the dot-to-dot seems entirely obvious to me. I would pay my bottom dollar to crawl inside his head (as well as bed! Ha!) and find out whether it was so darn obvious to him, and he was just fleeing that obviousness.
In which case what a double-whammy waste.