I Live

January 26, 2014 § 33 Comments

And sometimes I do think, That’s all folks.  Then suddenly the mood might take me again.  As now, having just washed up the lasagne pot that was my children’s supper.

I was walking from oven to sink to dishwasher, all the offspring having fled from the room, and I thought, as one might well of a dark Sunday evening, existential loneliness; yesterday evening I dropped a son off at the tiny terraced house of a family with a fire going and a fug, just chilling they all were, fond laughter and teasing between husband and wife of course not always like that sometimes shit all over the shop, bitch fits and testosterone wank selfishness, but they were like that then, last night, and are sometimes.  And sometimes in my scant book is just fucking fine.  And then no reason the thought occurred that I did rather leave the blog in the lurch.  I’ve thought it a few times over the past weeks, and just couldn’t face it; felt, bleargh! that’s behind me now. Though of course it’s not, inasmuch as I am still a plankton and all; I just couldn’t face writing about it any more. Even opening the blog to read the comments.   Felt I had said everything already, over and over and over and was digging myself deeper into the plankton grave.  Then suddenly, just now.  WTF.

I have been with Badass the past two to three days and evenings (NB. I choose my words carefully) hearing about beautiful women (It is the lot of not beautiful women to hear the virtues of the beautiful ones extolled, ad infinitum and we must keep our peace).  Couple of movies and so many double shots of the hard stuff – marvellous – that Llewlyn Davis passed in something of a Greenwich Village brain-fog, the Grey Goose silvering the blood in the veins to perfection.

Only getting me nowhere.

§ 33 Responses to I Live

  • Jill says:

    Phew – so glad to hear you are there, P. You sound a bit pissed (off?!) but still…..some (most/all) of your followers will be delighted that you have surfaced.

    Come come, dear P, as my ex was prone to say…all is not lost. I have nothing further philosophical to say right now as I am tottering on the brink of exhaustion tonight. But WELCOME BACK! xx

  • june says:

    O dear P, was wondering about you the other day. and here you are. Strange as i am also still in the same situation to and on this god damm miserable day have been feeling very down myself and bit like you “woo is me” and how the hell can i stand this lonlieness anymore.

    I had a phone call from the wife of my mums cousin today, a lovely lady i always thought of ,more as an auntie, she moved away recently after being widowed a few years to live with her daughter, so she kn ows the perils and lonliness of being on own. I think of you June she said, you must get down being alone isnt great. No i said it isnt but what the hell do you do.

    i then had a text from the friend i dog sit for, asking me what id been up to, well id like to have said id been wisked off for a weekend in Paris and had mad passionate sex in the Ritz but sadly no.What did she think id been up to,, she only spoke to me fri! . . I pointed out single people dont get up to much in this coupled up world. She imagines if i did voluntary work and went to evening classes id feel differently! No i bloody wouldnt id still be alone, i cant think that those activities are going to enable you to m eet anyone, Dont people, particularly coupled up people talk a load of crap sometimes to single women of a certain age and dont you often feel like telling them so,

    I dont know what the answer is, im still on POF but have had very few contacts lately yet keep reading about people only slightly younger than me who have success on them. They obviously dont live in my neck of woods, cause its very sparse here. Have you ventured into the online world yet P. You are younger you might be succcessful or do you just feel you cant be arsedlol

  • Terry says:

    Who is badass?if you’ve spent the last few days and evenings with him is he a “friend with benefits”? I think Plankie may be getting some!

    • mel says:

      no such thing as FWB on this side of the pond, i’d jump at that situation if it ever happened but it never will ( not in my lifetime anyway ) so i’m sticking to singledom .
      i’d also say the 50 somthing male/ 20’s female is a myth ay least up here in the sticks ( not that i’d want a 20’s female.)

      • Doc says:

        That is your problem right there – you need to go to a target rich environment – a university, college town, etc. I have the advantage of living in an area with a lot of such places, and associate with them regularly – wanna know why? Young women, are an un-named benefit because while there can be all sorts of rules dealing with women under 18, once she turns 18 she is a free-agent and “open for business”, and wants to try things out.

        So you have to be in a situation where you meet a lot of women in the age range that you enjoy the most, and in a position of power in general. I am that 50 something male and just two days ago I had to ensure a young lady got to her classes on time when we woke up late. She’s quite attentive – lots of texts, and photos. But she’s young – and they fall in love so easily at that age. Of course, they are gone as soon as something else catches their fancy – so you enjoy, then move on.

        So if there are no young women where you live – move to where they are. You will reap the benefits, but YOU have to take action. Women will take advantage of opportunities that you supply to them, but they won’t seek you out. So you have to make it convenient, and make it seem to be her idea to go after you.

  • The Ooze says:

    Wait a minute…you think you’re on the bottom of the sexual marketplace (SMP) food chain? And you’ve been married? And you have children? If you’re the plankton, then there is the ooze even below you.

    The ooze: At the very bottom of the human hierarchy are the irrecoverable social failures, the “omega people” – people who have gone their entire lives without anybody even touching them unless it is in their job description. I’m a middle-aged virgin omega. It’s easy to be one, just be (a) extremely undesirable to others without the chance or work ethic to improve and (b) have high standards upon which you won’t compromise. (In other words, have caviar tastes and a pizza face. People used to tell me that I had to set my standards lower and accept the 1s-2s in my league. Sorry, I’m as attracted to them as I would be to members of my own gender. (I’m straight.)

    No one writes about us; we are largest group at which no one has ever taken a serious look. We are the least sexually desirable people and therefore are the ones who are unable to find anybody ever for a healthy normal relationship because our desirability is too low given our own standards.

    People no longer find you sexually attractive? That happens to everybody eventually. Try never being sexually attractive to anyone you found attractive. We don’t even get the memories. And maybe that’s a good thing.

    • maria says:

      Oh f*ck, The Ooze. Now I’m depressed. Don’t you think you’re being a bit too hard on yourself?

    • Minnow says:

      The Ooze, this is very sad. I think you are right about the fact that no-one examines why the overlooked are overlooked, and what the long term impact of being overlooked might be.

      You say you have a pizza face – lots of people love pizza – and either prefer it to caviar or have never, and never will, taste caviar. Surely the problem could not be your pizza face? And anyway, isn’t one person’s pizza is another person’s caviar?

      After being widowed very young and spending a long period on my own, I am in a relationship. I was overlooked for many years – entirely unnoticed by the opposite sex. I am now with someone who regards me as caviar – much to my delight and amusement, as I wouldn’t even regard myself as pizza – more like a bag of soggy chips! Maybe he likes bags of soggy chips!

      When you spot someone whom you think is caviar – do you take a chance? They may look like caviar to you but to some others they may seem entirely unappetizing! And how they seem to you is all that matters.

    • d08 says:

      “People no longer find you sexually attractive? That happens to everybody eventually. ”


      Unless you start pushing centenarian age…but even then… (been plenty of published reports about STD increases among seniors).

      Someone finds you sexually attractive. Someone.

      I probably would! lol!

      Maybe you should start a blog if you haven’t already…

      • The Ooze says:

        “People no longer find you sexually attractive? That happens to everybody eventually. ”


        Yep. ‘Fraid so. Have an attractive 25 yo walk down the street. Then have an attractive (for her age) 65 yo do the same. See who turns the most heads.

        Everybody gets somebody if they’re willing to take anybody. If you have caviar tastes and a pizza face, however, you may be out of luck.

  • Dear Ooze, my fellow omega,
    There’s something even worse: You spend your adolescence and early adulthood as an omega, then lose weight, get fit, and make yourself over so you’re a few letters above an omega, only to get a chronic illness that boots you right back down to the bottom of the pile, because you barely have the energy to walk, let alone go to the gym. That’s what happened to me.
    Also, I FORCED myself to be attracted to the ones and twos,my fellow omegas, only to have to listen to them whine about how they wanted to be with the tens instead of me. So it wouldn’t have done you any good to have taken those people’s advice, Ooze. Those people didn’t have a clue about being an omega.

    P here said it best: “It is the lot of not-beautiful women to hear the virtues of the beautiful ones extolled ad infinitum.” Sing it, sister. Sad but true.

    Plankton, please come back. We on the other side of the pond (bad pun intended) need you to provide us with some authenticity in this cheery culture of false positivity in which we’re trapped. It’s awful to be American, because you’re not allowed to admit anything is awful. If my friend Ooze lived here, she’d have 50 life coaches dogging her, telling her her dreams can come true if only she wants them enough. Your blog is very refreshing for readers in my Prozac-addled country (I took the stuff too, ugh).

  • rosie says:

    P, you sound as fed up as I feel but glad you’re still alive! Keep taking the shots. x

  • Elle says:

    “Couple of movies and so many double shots of the hard stuff – marvellous – that Llewlyn Davis passed in something of a Greenwich Village brain-fog, the Grey Goose silvering the blood in the veins to perfection.”

    Welcome back P, I hope you’ve been keeping well in your absence. I was worried about you, I thought you might have drowned in a vat of alcohol with prozac capsules floating on top but then I thought nah, she’s got herself a kind sexy rich and devoted lover and she’s not posting here because she doesn’t want to jinx it.

  • Omega_Dork says:

    Finish things up in a big way by “coming out”. Photos, name, history. (In the Times, of course. Then close up shop.

  • D Bloor says:

    Dear Plankton, I am always happy to receive an email with your blog update. It’s a constant reminder of where I am at, because your life is pretty much identical to mine. You write the blog so I don’t have to! I don’t really think there’s a ‘happy ever after’. This is it. This is our happy ever after and I am very happy with it.

    I know what you mean about the glimpse into the terraced house with the fire going, happens me sometimes too, randomly. But I never stop being grateful that I am not married to my angry ex-husband anymore. For every vaguely reasonably content moment that I witness between a couple (content *moment* as opposed to a content *couple* – because I don’t think I know any of them) I witness at least a dozen unhappily married couples, making themselves miserable because they’ve chosen the death-do-us-part option. I know it’s probably an age thing, late 40s/early 50s, but boy am I glad I am not one of them anymore. Gimme plankton-status any day.

    Mind your self, missy

  • Julia says:

    Hey Plankton,

    Great to see you back, even though you don’t sound very happy at all. We’re not here to tell you how to ‘snap out of it’ and that ‘it’ll all be good in the end’. You are what you are and you alone know how to present yourself to a potential partner in the best most confident and positive light – and that’s what one unfortunately must do in the early stages of dating someone – just something to think about… One thing I’ve got to say though:

    ‘It is the lot of not beautiful women to hear the virtues of the beautiful ones extolled, ad infinitum and we must keep our peace’

    No. Not at all. We must do nothing of the sort. If the bloke you’re dating/having any kind of ‘thing’ with keeps going on about his ‘oh so beautiful’ exes, you tell him to shut the f up, once, with a semi-laugh. One warning. If he doesn’t, you throw your large house white into his face and leave. Let him stand there dripping and feeling like an idiot. I can guarantee you that this is what’s going to make him respect you. Not making peace with tactless thoughtless crap he comes out with just for the sake of keeping his highness by your side.
    And to conclude… who the hell’s Badass??

  • ‘It is the lot of not beautiful women to hear the virtues of the beautiful ones extolled, ad infinitum and we must keep our peace…’

    eyes of the beholder, Ms. P., eyes of the beholder…

  • Annie says:

    Ms P, so nice to see you back, even if slightly pished. Badass seems like a bore, I would ditch him if I were you – remember, you have the power to do that.

    Checking the date of the last entry I realise I have just eaten pizza three days past its eat before date for my lunch…was lovely actually, but must keep track of the contents of my fridge!

    Anyway, I digress. Maybe you’re trying too hard, wanting too much, yearning for something that doesn’t really exist – a perfect relationship. We see a glimpse of perfection and convince ourselves it’s like that 24/7. Well it’s not. Everything is a compromise. When you meet Mr Right it will be fabulous perfection for, maybe a year, then gradually you will start to get on each other’s nerves a bit, the in-laws will become irritating, you will have a close encounter with undesirable underpants in the wash basket and maybe, just maybe, you will dream of having the remote control all to yourself, going a week without shaving your legs, sitting in your PJs all weekend if you want to, without explaining yourself and farting with freedom instead of keeping it all in………….you see, there are so many advantages of being unattached and the beauty of it is, that you can turn on the elegant, charming you anytime you feel like it and people will think that is the real you because they are just catching a glimpse of your perfection.

    Stop looking, live your life to the full, have the occasional bonk, when the opportunity arises (!). If someone worthy appears, great…..if not, then you still have a great life.

    Maybe get a rabbit…….

    Cheers, Annie

    • Peggy says:

      Hear hear. Annie so so grounded and realistic. We keep peering over the fence and comparing the shade and apparent brightness of their lawn to own scrubby patch but what we don’t realise is they paid a fortune to astro their lawn and in reality their soil is toxic. If you follow my random analogy ….
      As to the pizza, you’re still alive aren’t you? Those dates are just a ruse.

  • MissBates says:

    Having been dragged to see Llewyn Davis myself, I can only say that I WISH I had been in a Grey Goose-fog. Thought it would never end.

    Anyway, hello Plankton. There’s only so much one can talk (or in your case, write) about our mutual situation. One sinks into aching resignation, and that’s that. Hard to get up the energy to blather on
    about it. I may have lost the plot, as I have no idea who “Badass” is, and am not sure it much matters, as he sounds a bit tedious.

    Write only when the inspiration strikes or if you have news to impart — even if it’s only a few times a year. Would hate to lose your insights entirely.

  • Lizzy of Oz says:

    Ditto to Annie and Miss Bates – all of the above. There is nothing wrong with the occasional bonk or a FWB situation – if you can sort yourself out to the degree that you will not get hurt – go for it. Somebody once said “There is nothing more desirable than a woman who is desired”.
    And it’s true. There is a certain glow and confidence about a woman when she is / has been desired.

  • Can people please stop pretending the world isn’t cruel to women over 45? I’ve been 46 a week, and already it’s gotten worse.

  • Jackie says:

    Have missed your posts! Glad you are back. Keep writing please? J X

    • The Plankton says:

      Thank you. I will, but probably only occasionally as sometimes I can’t face it. Pxx

    • The Plankton says:

      I am not doing it for the money but not to be paid anything ever means I am putting this stuff out for free when I live by my pen, so there’s a limit, I guess. Not that that is my motivation for not doing it. It never was but however many years later, and a certain poverty, means the incentive begins to pall. Oh, and the fact that mine is the same old story… Pxx

  • malcolm says:

    Phew, I was worried Planky, glad to see you back.
    I had made up a theory that you lived a double life as part time professional mopey woman and a part time hotshot international journalist, and you were being held captive in a cave by the Taliban and couldn’t attend to your blog. It’s hard to rid the nostrils of that smell of goat and unhygienic men.

  • paul says:

    Greetings to all of you from a man from the colony of New South Wales.

    Although having not digested each and every syllable of the comments made: this is how I see it.

    I am 60 years old very single and both adhere to the view and subscribe to the proposition all women, without exceptions are beautiful. Some are more beautiful than others. To me better relationships exist when you do not live together.

    Yes a man shortage exists. To me the ladies seem to want a man but, generally they must score 10 out of 10 when making the selection. Be happy if he only rates say a 7. Does it matter if he is; too tall, too short, fat, thin, has blue (or any other unwanted colour) eyes, the list goes on. It is what is inside that is important.

    I may be different but to me the mature ladies have it all. The children have departed. They have lots of experience at life, have lots of wisdom and, again to me are very understanding. The younger ones, are complete opposites in my experieNce. Frankly far too much trouble.

    The biggest aphrodisiac is what lies between the ears.

    It is very important that we enjoy life. We will probably all be dead in the next 30 years. Remember the great joy of growing old is it does not last much longer. Promote the joy.

    I think intelligent women are at a disadvantage. To me I relish the banter of bright lass; many of them have been much brighter than me. If you are an intelligent woman and think this is a disadvantage in a relationship play dumb/

    If I see any initial connection with women I always think of the words of e e cummings:

    “i do not know what it is about you that closes
    and opens;only something in me understands
    the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses ”

    Always remember how the boys think with a twist with the new rules. The boys still love to chase and the girls love to be chased.Now , I think the girls should give the boys the hint. Note the male blood deficiency problems noted below.

    Also consider the following :

    # As per the film the big fat Greek wedding: the man is the head of the house and woman is the neck. The neck can put the head anywhere the neck wants it to be.

    # Men are born with a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate either organ separately and definitely not both simultaneously. I think this is empiric: backed up by medical science.

    Thank you for the opportunity to respond .
    Take care,
    May you all find the man of your dreams and may you all be intoxicated with happiness.

  • Fi says:

    Hmm. There must be an easier way than lugging your pc into work. Hasn’t anyone bought your house yet then?

  • Fi says:

    I have a phone number for him that might well be way out of date if anyone wants To call it. I don’t feel comfortable doing it but I can email it to either of you

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